Tag Archives: Children

6 Rules for surviving your teen

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Teens

Teenagers.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When the teen years arrive, armed combat begins.

How do you survive your teen unharmed?

Sometime between eleven and thirteen that cute cuddly kid turns into an unrecognizable scratching clawing creature. Once in a while, the parent gets away unharmed but not often.  Parents say they don’t know what happened to their child. They don’t recognize this kid. So what happened?

How do you survive the teen years and is there a life after teens? Here are some ideas; maybe we could call then rules for those years.

1. Don’t try to hold the lid on the boiling pot.

You have spent a decade on more raising a generally civilized child, as the teen years approach and the emotions boil parents often make the mistake of clamping down. Suddenly the cute little daughter who everyone likes – well – the everyones who likes her, are no one you would want around. The result is trying to keep her in. “No dating till you’re thirty,” the parent says. Then the battle ensues. Parents try bolting the windows in her room shut, but like a magician, she somehow gets out. Parents put kids on monitoring. Call me every hour. The kids retaliate with more excuses than a congressman.

Controlling a teen, especially an older one by force is likely to wear you out and have no effect. Sometimes parent’s efforts to make the kid behave turn into violence. Sometimes the parent resorts to hitting the child, always a bad idea. You may discover you no longer have it in you to go ten rounds with a younger and stronger opponent. I have seen parents seriously hurt by their kids. The other, more serious problem with using force on a child is it teaches them to use force and there is no end to how far this will go. So rather than trying to keep the steam in the kettle by holding the lid down, try directing the steam where you want it to go.

As the teen approves adulthood parents may need to learn to discuss and even negotiate things with their offspring. I am not saying let the kids take over the house, but you do need to teach them how to handle more adult responsibilities. By sixteen or seventeen you should have taught your child the difference between right and wrong. If you haven’t it is probably too late and someone with more control than you will need to take on the job, someone like the police or parole. You need to keep up hope that the child will survive, unharmed, the episode of moral amnesia that so many of them experience.

2. Do not try to overprotect them!

You spent ten or more year protecting your child, every “good enough parent” does. Suddenly the experts tell you to stop trying to protect them. I know they will be sixty and you will still feel protective towards them but the teen years are the time for loosening the restrictions, not tightening them. You had to let them ride their bike without your hand on the seat, now you need to let them try some more adult things.

Every night in crisis centers around America we see kids whose parents have always been supportive or permissive, who suddenly engage in a life or death struggle for control with their teen. Kids who had no curfew now chaff as the parents set limits.  Parents worry about drugs, alcohol, driving, and mostly sex. They try to keep their kids safe by keeping them away from the risks – that won’t work.

One day they will turn eighteen and then they will be allowed to make all their own decisions. Some kids start before that. There is no magic cloak of maturity you can give them on that occasion.  You need to begin now teaching them how to be responsible adults and one way they learn that is to try things and see what works and what doesn’t. Increasing rules and restrictions may feel like it is protecting your child but it may also be delaying the growth of maturity.

3. Notice when your child does something right.

Many kids report the only time their parents notice them is when they are correcting them. Constantly finding fault with teens is not likely to make them perfect. It often results in kids who are highly anxious, afraid to do anything because they are sure they will never be able to do it right, or you get kids who give up trying. If the only way to get your attention is to mess up, they will mess up on a daily basis. They are after all giving you what you are requesting. You will get more of whatever you attend to.

Now I am not suggesting hollow praise here. Kids can see right through praise that was given to increase self-esteem but which they see as just something everyone is able to do. What I am suggesting is that you need to pay close enough attention to your child to know when they do something noteworthy and then let them know that you noticed and approved of that.

4. Be their parents, not their friends.

Kids should be kids and parents should be parents. Sharing your drugs with your child does not make for a good relationship. It makes for a child who does not know how to observe boundaries. And even worse are the parents who flop back and forth. One day you want to be the kid’s best friend, maybe even keep a secret from the rest of the family, the next they come down on the kid with all their force because the kid is not doing what they want.

5. Know the difference between rewards and punishments and bribes and abuse.

Lots of people in our society don’t seem to know this one. From the way we see celebrities and politicians acting you would think they are the same thing. They are not.

Rewards and punishment should be directly related to the person’s actions. For adults, this is easy to explain. If I show up for work on time and do my job I get a check. If I am late, I get docked some pay. If I keep coming in late I may lose my job. Parents get this confused and send the child to their room for getting bad grades. Bad grades should get more study time. Going to your room should be a punishment for not behaving around others. See there is some connection between the two.

Do I need to say that some of the punishments I see require me to report the parent to child protective services? Don’t ever let the punishment get out of proportion to the action. When it does it can turn into abuse. This is especially true of physical punishment and name-calling. Calling your child stupid will not improve their grades; it will make many of them stop trying.

6 Pick your battles

Parents, especially of late teens begin to get desperate. Time is running out to teach your child how to behave, especially if you have a strong feeling they should behave exactly the way you want them to. So every day becomes a battleground. The chances that your child will turn out perfectly are not especially good. They all have their flaws. So do their parents.  Unless you really like to fight, day and night, I suggest you reserve your line in the sand efforts for the really big things. Which is more troublesome, your teen’s messy room, or their drug habit?

Like all advice, these rules are easier to say than to do. My hope is that this is helpful to someone out there. If you have comments or suggestions please comment on this blog.

So there you have them, 6 rules for surviving your teen.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you a rat?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Truth or lie

Separating truth from lies is hard work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Should you ever rat? When is it OK to tell on someone?

We tell kids to talk to the teacher if someone bullies them. We tell them no one likes a tattletale. Teenagers are vehement that it is never OK to tell on your friends. Parents of teens wish someone would tell them when their child is in danger. What things might your child be doing you would want to know about? What things do you hope your friends are keeping secret?

In a previous post, I wrote about the way in which kids will tell their friends and their friend’s parents about things they would never tell their own parents. When you hear those things, what should you keep to yourself, and what is so important you need to tell? Should we accept the rule that we should never rat? Should it be OK if our kids keep those things secret?

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were all or nothing rules for behavior in life? Some people try to make absolute rules, for themselves and for others. They are mighty sure what the right thing to do is until you call one of their actions into question.

Most of the time in life, things are on a continuum, from good to less good to a little bad to a lot bad. Telling a friend’s secret to someone else is on that continuum.

As a parent, I would want to know if my child was thinking of killing themselves. Wouldn’t you? Could your child feel good about themselves if their friend confided to them that they were suicidal and they did nothing? People who talk about suicide may want to be talked out of it, to be reassured that there is someone who cares enough to intervene and stop them. Would you want to be the kind of person who saved a life or the kind who let someone die?

How would you explain to the parents of a murdered child that you knew someone was going to kill their child but you didn’t want to tell? Could you live with yourself after that? How would you feel if your friend bullied someone and they killed themselves?

It is a good idea to talk with your child about morality and ethics before they have to make those tough decisions.

If a teen is endangering their life with drugs and drinking and driving do you owe it to them to talk to them about it? If they don’t want to stop and continue to endanger their life it is permissible to tell someone else who is in a position to stop them.

Every year we hear about a local teen that is killed by driving drunk, being a passenger of a drunk, or being hit by a drunk driver. Does not trying to stop that when you know about it make you a bad friend? Would you rather be a good friend who kept a dead friend’s secrets or a bad friend who saved their life?

Professional counselors and therapists have legal constraints on secrets. We can’t tell things we might like to such as having a client tell us about past crimes. The counseling relationship has a high level of trust and if we violate that trust we keep clients from coming for the help they need.

But there are other things that counselors are legally and ethically required to talk about, like intervening if a client plans to kill themselves or someone else. We also can intervene when someone does not know how to care for themselves even if they want to be left alone.

Knowing when to keep a secret and when you need to tell to protect that friend, others and society is one of the tasks people need to learn to be adults. A parent’s major job is to help their child grow up. That sometimes it is OK to tell is a lesson we all may need to learn.

P. S. I know that tame rats can, in fact, make good pets. I have no idea why we call people who tell on each other rats. Rats don’t tell on each other. At least I don’t think they do.

I know there are some of you who won’t agree with me on this, you are entitled to be wrong.

Still feel free to comment on this or any other blog and feel free to like, forward and recommend to your heart’s content. Till next time, David Miller LMFT, LPCC.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

7 “New Drugs” parents should be aware of

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs.

Drugs.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

7 “New Drugs” parents should be aware of.

New drugs and new patterns of drug use continue to emerge. When I first started talking about this in my class for drug and alcohol counselors the thought entered my mind that giving out information on new drugs might encourage their use. I didn’t need to worry about that, the people who want to use them knew about them far before I did. But now that there have been a few overdoses I believe it is important for parents and professions to be aware of these new trends in drug use. So here are six new drugs and one new drug use trend that are beginning to rival the old drug use problems. For up to the minute information on these drug use trends you only have to search the internet.

1. Khat

Khat is a stimulant plant from the Middle East, another of the results of our involvement in wars there. The leaves are chewed while still fresh and moist and are a mild stimulant similar to Coca leaves. The plant and the fresh leaves are rare in the U. S. The synthetic version is becoming more common.

2. Methcathinone

Methcathinone is a synthetic and potent laboratory-produced version of the Khat plant’s active ingredient. It is not illegal or regulated everywhere yet and is growing in popularity. Results are reported as being similar to Methamphetamine.

3. Bath salts.

These are not the kind of bath salts your grandmother might have used. These drugs are being sold in “head” or “smoke” shops not bath boutiques and the label is certainly a misnomer. Common names include such benign-sounding names as “Ivory Wave,” “Purple Wave,” “Vanilla Sky” and “Bliss.”

They are used by smoking and can contain a variety of chemicals. Join Together reports that DEA has placed a temporary ban on three ingredients used in the manufacture of bath salts, Mephedrone, MDPV, and Methylone.

As fast as one ingredient is made illegal the manufacturers switch ingredients. Overdoses can be particularly nasty and use may result in psychoses or death. To re-quote “What a price to get your kicks.”

4. Synthetic Cannabinoids.

These are best known locally under the brand names of “Spice” and “K-2.”  This can be most any dried vegetable material, commonly parsley which has been coated with a synthetic Cannabinoid. There are 300 different chemicals involved so far and more are sure to be discovered. A few have been made controlled substances, mostly this means they are illegal in the U.S. As fast as one is banned another variety comes into use. These are not benign chemicals. Overdoses and toxic results have been reported including hallucinations that have not gone away after withdrawal from the drug.

5. Salvia Divinorum.

An unusual member of the sage family originally from Central America it appears to be the only member of the sage family with psychoactive properties. It was used by Native Americans in religious ceremonies and does not appear to be especially dangerous when used that way. When combined with other drugs, especially synthetics and alcohol the results are reported as being unpredictable. Since stimulants and depressants are the most popular drugs, consciousness-altering drugs like sage have not caught on in popularity the way Methcathinone and bath salts have. As with most dried herbal products the potency and ingredients can vary considerably.

6. Kratom.

Bet you thought I made that up? This has nothing to do with Superman. It is a tree, originally native to South East Asia. The leaf is reported to have both stimulant and depressive properties. In some places it is illegal and in other places, it is totally unregulated. At high doses, it has been reported to have effects similar to morphine. Some of the trees are now in the U. S. but most of the use is by buying leaves and preparations from the internet. The tree does not grow well in cold climates so most of the cases reported are from Florida. Like all other drugs, it is likely to spread over time.

7. Smoking of Heroin by teens.

This is a new twist to an old drug. This trend is occurring in the wealthier and more affluent parts of town. Abuse of pills is now epidemic. Teens have ready access to powerful painkillers. Sometimes these have been prescribed to them for injuries but often these pills are being taken from parents and grandparents medicine cabinets. After a short time, opiate addiction develops. Unable to get more pain pills an exceptionally large number of teens have taken to purchasing heroin to replace the pills. At first, they may be induced to smoke the heroin, thinking that this differentiates them from the drug addicts who use needles. The high price of the drug and the larger quantities needed when smoking result in most switching to needle use. Heroin is consuming a whole new generation.

By the time I get this posted it is likely there will be additions to the list. I hope this helps in the way of information. The only antidote I know of for an increase in drug addiction among our children is parental and societal involvement with kids. Happy, healthy kids are less likely to become addicted and they are more likely to turn to adults for help. Kids with mental health problems, who are estranged from their parents, are at increased risk. Trying to keep drugs out of our communities does not seem to be working as you can see here new drugs of abuse will keep entering our society. The only hope for taming the dragon of addiction is early intervention and treatment.

Great sources of up to date information on drug use trends and laws are THE PARTNERSHIP AT DRUG FREE.ORG and Join Together. They send out frequent updates via email. Check them out at http://www.drugfree.org/join-together

As always comments and questions are welcome.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why can’t we communicate?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Talking to yourself

Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Eight ways to improve communication with your teens.

Therapists get lots of questions about communication. Couples want to know how to communicate better; parents want to know how to communicate with their kids.

What many people mean by wanting to improve communication is “How can I convince them to do what I want them to do?” That is not communication. It may be assertiveness training, or manipulation, or just normal parenting skills but it is not communication. Maybe improving compliance would be a good topic for a future blog. That is not what this one is about.

Communication is about the ability to hear and be heard even when we may not agree or like the message we are receiving.

Dictionaries, like Encarta, have multiple definitions for the word communication. The word means variously, exchange of information, a message, a sense of mutual understanding, sympathy, and many other related things.

Here are some suggestions for improving communication with teens, some of these suggestions are appropriate for younger children; most would help adults improve their communications.

1. Communicate early and often.

The time to open communication with kids is as young as possible. Parents often spend the early years telling kids, not listening to them. If the only time you talk to your child is to correct them, preach at them, or give them your guidance it is unlikely that suddenly they will by some miracle begin to communicate with you. Communication should be a two-way street. The good news is that it is probably never too late to open up communication but as the child gets older it becomes more difficult. So parents who start communicating, really listening to their child, have a big head start on parents who wait till the kid is a teenager and then decide to open the lines of communication. Communication is a skill. The more you practice it the better you should get at it. By having good communication with your child you teach them how to have good communication with the others in their life. If your primary way of communicating is by yelling and making the kids wrong, they will probably yell at their kids and their spouse. The better they become at yelling the more likely it becomes that you will get to yell at them some more when they divorce and move back into your house with the grand-kids. I am hoping this is not sounding like a good idea.

2. Listen don’t tell.

Have you ever met someone who tried to do all the talking? How did that feel? Did it make you want to spend more time around them? It is no different for your kids. There is a built-in bias with parent-child communication. Your kids want you to like them. They will censor what they say. If you do the talking they will skip the hard to say things about the mistakes they make and the feelings they have. So the more you talk the less likely your kids are to tell you anything. If your kids no longer care what you think, it is not because you have good communication. You are already losing the battle. Seek help NOW!

3. Be available to talk.

Good communication with kids can’t be scheduled in advance. Yes, absolutely, you need some regular consistent time to spend with kids. You also need to schedule some time for yourself and your partner. Having good communication with yourself should be a priority. Communicating with your partner is only important if you plan to keep them. (Did you get the sarcasm there?) If you want to improve the relationship with your child, make talking with them a priority. Work toward a life where you can always interrupt what you’re doing to communicate with your child. If you can’t talk right now, let them know you want to talk and will get back to them as soon as possible. Then make sure you do get back to them. This method helps hugely with spouses, partners, co-workers, do I need to keep going here?

4. Listen for the feelings, not the facts.

If you are taking notes while they are talking you will shut down the communication. It is important to make sure you have heard them correctly. Profession counselors are taught to summarize and reflect back what the client has said. We want to be sure that what we heard is what the client really meant. The teen who gets turned down for a date is feeling bad. Telling them they are young, they will have lots of chances, you know you aren’t supposed to be getting serious at your age – none of these things is helpful when they are full of tears. Right now hear them. There will be lots of time for teaching moments later. Sometimes we need to interject some reality testing here. Because the kid’s friend didn’t want to do something with them does not mean no one wants to be around them and they will never have a friend. Because we have a feeling does not make that a fact. It is not just kids who mistake feelings for reality. Speaking in front of a group may feel scary, it is probably not life-threatening. Something’s that sounds all good and fun, like some of the new drugs or sexual activity turn out to be a lot more dangerous than they seem. Teach your kids not to mistake how they feel about something for the facts.

5. Try to think about what they are saying not what you are going to say next.

If we are busy planning our response we will miss a lot of the key parts of what the kid is saying. This is true for most other situations. Most of the time what you will say in response is really not that important, right now. Wait till later for your turn. Didn’t someone important say it is better to hear than to be heard? If you don’t recognize the quote look in that big black book that is gathering dust on your nightstand. No, not the phone number book, the other big black one.

6. Remember the first rule of parenting – parents need to be parents and kids should be kids.

You are not your child’s best friend. This is really painful for some adults. They want their kids to like them so the kid can say anything, do anything and it is O. K. That is not a good idea. We should be able to hear what our child says, no matter how much we dislike the information but that does not mean we should do nothing. Kids need to learn that there are something’s that are not appropriate to say. They learn that by adults letting them know that what they have said is not acceptable.

7. It should be O. K. for your teen to talk with someone else.

Ever notice your child’s friends will tell you things that they haven’t told their parents. You are not so ego-involved with the neighbor’s kids. If they failed a test you can comfort them. Harder to do when your child fails, you are picturing the not-graduating from high school scenario, the no college live at home forever plot. If your own kid says I flunked the Algebra test you might recoil in horror. With the neighbor’s kid, you can take it in stride. By the way – if your kid’s friends never talk to you, check the mirror and wonder why. Talking to your friend’s parents is a natural teen behavior. Don’t be insulted if you kid talks to someone else, be happy they have someone they can confide in. Just make sure their friends and friend’s parents are someone you feel good about them talking with.

Sometimes kids need to talk with a professional, maybe this will be someone in your church or at their school. Other times you may need to seek out a Licensed Therapist or Counselor. Don’t take this as an indictment of your parenting. Knowing when your kid needs to talk with a professional is a sign of your maturity. Knowing when you need to look for help for yourself is also a good sign.

8. Watch for changes in the mood or behavior of your teen.

Kids who withdraw or isolate are at high risk. New friends, especially the kind they never wanted to be around before is also a warning sign. Kids who are turning to drugs, especially alcohol abuse are at high risk. These are tough times to be a kid. Lots of peer pressure, it is a scary world. Kids who suddenly don’t want to do things that they used to like are at high risk. Changes in sleep and appetite for no apparent reason should worry you. The kid who used to talk to you but suddenly won’t talk to anyone should concern you. No one likes to think about their kid having problems but suicides, drug and alcohol abuse, and self-mutilating are all on the rise. The kid who least wants to talk to his parents may have the greatest need. When you can’t get your child to communicate it is time to look for help.

My special thanks to my office colleague Wendy Brox, LMFT who suggested this topic and whose ideas help me in writing this.

Let me know what you think about these tips and as always questions, comments, and ideas for future blogs are welcome.

David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

How much is Two Times Algebra Two?

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Counselorssoapbox.com

How much is Two Times Algebra Two?

Kids complain that their parents don’t help them with homework enough. Some parents confide in me that they don’t know how to help their kids. Now I know I took Algebra Two back in high school. Though I now think the half-life of that knowledge is shorter than the half-life of Hassiam, which I am told is somewhere around 8 seconds. So what am I to do when a child asks for help on Algebra Two or worse yet Chemistry with all the elements that have been invented since I completed school just after the last Ice age?

What do parents do who didn’t take these classes or who did not have the opportunity to complete their schooling? We probably don’t want to tell kids “I haven’t used that since I was in school” or anything that might imply that learning new material is unimportant. Even if kids don’t ever use a particular piece of knowledge the process of learning how to learn is important for success in this modern age. So what can a parent do to help their child?

Someone sent me a solution to this problem. And it is FREE! Yes, you read that right. Yes, this is a free homework helper and in the child’s own language. Kids are digital natives. I start to feel like a visitor from a distant galaxy when exposed to new technology, but kids get this stuff right away. So here is the solution.

Check out the Khan Academy – free online videos on everything from Basic Addition starts with the one plus one stuff all the way up to Trig and Calculus and stuff like that. Not just math here either. They’ve got videos on Science and History and even some cool stuff that parents might want to learn.

So check them out. Here is the web address: http://www.khanacademy.org/

Let me know what you think. Just don’t stop coming back here. Pleeeeease –

Look at all the suggestions for things to write about that I am receiving from Blogees (Is that near a word? What do you call recurrent Blog readers and subscribers?)  You may see a couple of extra posts this month besides my usual Sunday one.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Giving in to peer pressure

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do we tell kids to resist peer pressure?

People who are really good at resisting peer pressure end up in places like jail, prison, and mental hospitals. They become rapists, murderers, and people no one wants to be around. So why do we keep talking about teaching kids to resist peer pressure?

Humans are social animals. We look around and see what other people are doing and we copy them. That’s what we are supposed to do. That’s how society and cultures hold together. We hope kids will get a job and work and raise a family just like everyone else. That is what peers are doing. So why do we keep telling them to resist peer pressure?

We should be telling kids to give in to peers, that’s what we all know they will do sooner or later.

There is an oft-repeated saying – “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.” It is truer than we realize. Rather than spending our time, or should I say wasting it, on teaching kids to resist peer pressure, we should be encouraging them to pick good peers. Hang out with the winners and you become a winner – spend all your time with the losers and you – well you get the idea.

If you hang out in a barbershop you will get a haircut. If you hang out in a crack house you will smoke crack and if you spend time in a bar you will drink. So why are we surprised when kids hand out with “stoners” and get stoned? And why at that point do we go on a crash course in trying to teach them to resist peer pressure?

Waiting till your teen is a stoner to talk about peers is like heading out across Death Valley, on foot, without water, and then complaining about your thrust. You just now thought of that?

So what should a parent do? Start young. Know your children’s friends. Spend time with them and with their parents when possible. Encourage your child to do positive things. Think you’re too busy for that? Well, you probably won’t be too busy for their court date or worse.

Anything a parent can do to encourage their kid to be involved in something positive is like an immunization against problems later on.

This isn’t just true for our children. It is something we should be practicing ourselves.

What are your thoughts on peers, peer pressure, and the impact it has had on you and yours?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anxiety is like a cat!

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stray cat

Feral cat.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety is like a cat!

What exactly is anxiety? And what is an anxiety disorder?

Well to some people it looks like a kitten.

And to others, it looks like a lion.

A little anxiety can feel like a small cat rubbing on your leg, a bit of an annoyance but nothing you can’t handle. It can push you to try harder. It is the stage fright that keys up the performer to go all out and give the performance of their life.

For others, Anxiety is the lion that keeps you off the stage of life. It is a terrifying disorder that tries to eat you alive.

Anxiety disorders are the most common emotional problem in America. In any one year, approximately one in five Americans will have an episode of anxiety that is severe enough to interfere with their everyday functioning, an episode so severe they should go for treatment.

Dictionaries define anxiety as a feeling, worry, nervousness, agitation, fear, or apprehension. The symptoms can interfere with every system in the body. Anxiety symptoms are often mistaken for physical illnesses and send millions of people repeatedly to the doctor looking for a physical cause of an emotional problem.

Now if you have a physical problem, by all means, see your doctor. But if the problem keeps changing, if the doctor can’t find anything wrong with you, then the problem may be emotional. That does not mean the problem is “all in your head” it is there, but it is everywhere in your body also, and there are treatments for anxiety.

Robert Sapolsky wrote a really cool book, called “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” which explains how your fears can essentially hijack your body and show up by making you sick. I highly recommend this book to counselors and therapists who want to understand anxiety and want to help people with this problem. But what if you or your child is suffering from anxiety. And I do mean SUFFERING? What if you just want to get your life back?

There are ways to turn the volume down on anxiety, shrink that cat down to a manageable size. I am not saying to get rid of anxiety altogether. If there is a real live lion chasing you, or a gang banger with a gun, some fear and anxiety is a good thing. Under those circumstances, anxiety might save your life. If your fears are keeping you from having a life, what then?

A good counselor or therapist can help you shrink those fears. There are self-help books that help also. A good counselor can help you learn and practice skills to stop anxiety in its tracks. The difficulty here is they will probably see you an hour a week, now you got 167 hours to go before your next appointment. What now? This is where a good self-help book can help, especially if you talk it over with a professional and practice the skills. A book is also helpful if you need to help a child get over their anxiety.

One book that I find helpful for managing anxiety is Tamar Chansky’s book “Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias.  She has lots of good techniques for reducing and controlling anxiety. She does some creative things like using a “Fear Extinguisher” and a “Fear Thermometer” as well as some of the standbys like creating incompatible emotion states by using humor or relaxation to reduce anxiety.

So is anger a problem for you? How do you reduce or control your anger? And if you are a counselor and work with clients with anxiety – What do you find the most effective approach?

There will be more on this topic to come, and please feel free to comment on this or any other topic in my blog. Till next week. David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stress

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stressed

Feeling stressed out?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stress!

“Can you feel the stress in this room?”

The person next to me bent over and whispered in my ear. “Yes,” I replied. “I have never felt it this strongly,” they said.

Are you feeling it too?

These days people are collapsing under stress as never before. Fear is stalking us.

We are daily reminded of two wars – should we make that three – and counting? Housing prices continue to crumble; most homeowners are underwater if they haven’t lost their home to foreclosure already. Unemployment is up – stubbornly up. In my area, unemployment flirts with the 20% mark. Is it any wonder we are stressed?

The gridlock in Washington hasn’t reduced the stress level of anyone I know. Did I hear that right – politicians almost let us default on the NATIONAL DEBT! And the stock market makes my stomach hurt worse than any roller coaster I ever rode on. Consumer confidence is near the bottom. Did I read that right – one credit card company emailed me a warning – I did not owe them anything but they were warning me THEY didn’t have the money to lend me?

Are company presidents really bragging about the number of American jobs they have eliminated?  It is not just the low-skilled unemployed that are out of work. People with college degrees are unable to find jobs; some are running out of unemployment benefits. And the once safe place – government employment – has become a scary place as huge numbers of government employees at all levels are being laid off.

There was a time when the way to escape economic uncertainty was to go back to school, usually to college, and get a degree. A degree is still a wonderful thing, but occupations are changing so rapidly a degree is no guarantee of finding a job.

California has traditionally been the land of second chances. And third and fourth … But as the budgets shrink colleges everywhere are raising tuition, cutting classes, and capping enrollment  So even if someone chooses to go back to school there are no guarantees of admission, classes, or a career afterward. That is causing students a lot of stress.

Being a parent is even more stressful. Lots of kids are not finishing school. The numbers going to juvenile halls show no sign of declining. Teen pregnancies and drug use are everywhere you look. If parents had known the risks beforehand we might not have become parents.

It’s only adults that stress right? Kids don’t understand stress, right? They don’t know we are stressed, we are hiding it well. Wrong! The hospital emergency rooms are seeing those kids. I read on the internet, a study which said over the last ten years the number of children admitted to psychiatric hospitals has continued to rise. These are kids who say they want to commit suicide, kids who wish they were never born, or they wish that they were dead.

No, not every kid says that, but the numbers who do are rising. Kids who never before knew what homelessness meant are learning the hard way. Kids tell me they have moved 3 – 4 – 7 times or more because the family couldn’t pay the rent. Several families move in together in a house too small for one family.

Some kids get kicked out of school. I am seeing a wave of home-schooled; self-taught students who couldn’t be kept in the classroom anymore because of their behavior – or their parent’s behavior.

Lots of those kids who end up in contact with the official system, welfare, Child protective services, juvenile hall, where are their parents? They are in prison and jail. In our society, for a long time, one in three black men went to prison. But the numbers are changing now. More Hispanics, more women, and more white men are going to prison. Nowadays everyone gets a chance to do time.

Our prisons are overcrowded and soon we will have to start letting people out to make room for the new prisoners.

Some kids are looking forward to seeing their parents freshly released from prison; some are scared for the same reason.

It’s the drugs, right? We have been fighting the war on drugs so long, our battle flag is torn and covered in blood. More children and younger ones are trying drugs. Some are doing drugs with their parents; others are stealing their parent’s drugs.

And it’s not just the same old drugs, six new drugs, maybe more, have arrived on the streets of America in the last couple of years. Some of these drugs aren’t illegal yet. Most don’t show on the hospital screening tests. And the kids who tell me they are using drugs – they keep getting younger and younger.

And the drugs that hurt the most are not the rare illegal ones. They are not the ones that sneak in through the windows but the ones that we openly carry in the front door. Alcohol and Tobacco-related deaths account for over 95 percent of all drug-related deaths. Abused prescription drugs are in second place with all illegal drugs a distant third.

So what causes these children to succumb to all this stress?  Why do some parents cave in under the stress and others make it through? In the future, I will write more about my thoughts on withstanding stress, but now I would like to know –

What do you think?

How do you cope with stress?

How can those of us that are in the helping professions, counselors, therapists, doctors, nurses, and others – how can we help people to withstand these horrific levels of stress?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel