Tag Archives: Depression

Without Boundaries your children get lost

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Boundary gate.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Your failure to set reasonable boundaries can be harming your children.

Many parents have weak, almost invisible boundaries. It is easy to confuse having boundaries with being rigid and inflexible. Being lenient with your children and having no boundaries is not the same thing by a long shot.

Consider that we often teach others how to treat us. Not having boundaries or not having appropriate boundaries with other adults in our lives teaches our children that boundaries are not important.

A family without boundaries.

Some families have little or no boundaries. The people in these families do whatever they want. Kids come and go as they please.  Adults behave in inappropriate ways.

If you grew up in a family like that you may have gotten the message that your parents were not able to control you. If they couldn’t control you then maybe you can’t be controlled.

Weak boundaries impair self-control.

The result of growing up with weak boundaries was that you found it progressively more difficult to control yourself. Good boundaries for adults and children help kids to learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It helps them learn self-control.

Weak boundaries can make you part of someone else.

Some families develop a more enmeshed pattern of interaction. Children are expected to think, feel, and act just as their parents do. This results in becoming disconnected from your feelings. When asked how you feel you may respond by telling others how you should feel rather than being able to find a genuine emotion inside you.

If you never had boundaries growing up you can be in for some real problems when you get into an adult relationship.

Not learning appropriate boundaries as a child puts you at risk to get into relationships with people who will not respect your boundaries. The cycle repeats itself.

The other issue that we often see is parents who just can’t let go. Their children, now adults, find it hard to set boundaries with their family of origin.

There is a lot of truth to those old in-law jokes. New couples find it hard to tell their parents no and set boundaries to keep those in-laws out of their new relationship. This can result in unhappy romantic relationships or blow up’s with the families you came from.

Learning boundaries as an adult.

It is hard learning to set appropriate boundaries when you are an adult. Children should learn what is OK and what is not and then as they grow they begin to establish for themselves what things are boundaries for them and what things they find OK.

Remember that as relationships and your life changes you need to strengthen and reinforce your boundaries.

Boundaries with exes.

Another boundary that is problematic is the one you draw with exes. Not keeping good boundaries with your ex’s can ruin your new relationship. Yes, some of you have baby’s fathers and baby’s mothers. You will always have a relationship with them through your children. But don’t let them cross your boundaries and try to continue an unhealthy relationship with you.

Never being who you are and the person who is in charge creates confusion for children and can make your life miserable.

Keep working on setting realistic appropriate boundaries with people in your life and your children will learn from you. Good fences make for good neighbors and good boundaries make for a happy life and a good recovery.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Your other relationships are affecting your love life.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple drinking

Couple’s relationship with alcohol.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

That other relationship of yours.

Every one of us has other relationships that can at times interfere with our primary partner relationship. Now some of you already jumped to the conclusion that this has to do with affairs or cheating on your spouse. It is much worse than that.

We all have far more relationships during our lifetime than we recognize. Each of those relationships takes up time and space in our existence. Let these other relationships get out of whack and your primary, romantic relationship will suffer.

Family of origin relationships.

We all have families we grew up in. For some people, this is messier than for others. Even if you never knew your biological parents, you had foster parents, group homes or other relatives you stayed with.

We all take the lessons learned and the unresolved conflicts from those old relationships with us into the new ones. If you came from an unloving non-affirming family you may find it impossible to accept compliments. You may also settle for anyone out there who will love you. That puts you at risk to be victimized by someone who gives you a little love and then takes more than they gave.

If you were abused or neglected you can take that distrust along for the rest of your life. Scars from childhood influence our choice of relationship partners.

Relationships with Exes.

We have all kinds of Exes. Ex-bosses, ex-teachers, and ex-partners. Even if you are with your first love there are likely to be the ones you had a crush on who got away.

All those past relationships throw long shadows onto the current relationships. You are at risk to relate to the one you are with the way you learned to relate to others in your past. Make sure you are over those exes.

Balancing relations with children and partners.

Children are lifelong relationships. This is a special problem in blended families. How healthy your relationship is with your children and their other parent can seriously affect your new relationship. If you have not worked out your issues with your children and their other parent do so before it ruins the chances of a successful new relationship.

Work relationships impact home relationships.

Employers know that many of the problems their employees have on the job they brought to work with them. A fight with a spouse or children carries over into the workday. So do substance abuse problems and exes.

This connection between home and work problems works the other way also. If you are unhappy on the job it will make you stressed and tired when you go home.

Work on finding a job you love or on making the job you have more enjoyable. Sometimes just giving up the disappointment struggle and practicing radical acceptance is the best solution.

Substances or Interests.

Anyone who has lived with a substance abuser is likely to have felt like their partner was having an affair. I wrote a post a while back about how partners of substance abusers can get caught up in a Threesome.

We all create relationships with things as well as people. Some things we like, some things we hate. Some of those relationships are healthy and supportive others can become sick or dysfunctional.

If you have a relationship with a thing or a substance that has gone beyond a preference and is becoming a must-have, consider that your needy relationship with that substance or activity has probably already impacted your primary love relationship.

Partners of internet or porn addicts will tell you that they have lost their partner to an affair with imaginary pixels.

Spiritual and religious practices.

This issue runs the gamut. Some people have a rigid position on the “correct faith.” While they were fine with dating and falling in love with someone who did not believe as they did they feel the continued need to change and convert their partner.

At the other end of the spectrum are those people who have no particular religious or spiritual tradition and who wish their partner did not either. They try to make the partner chose between their faith and the relationship.

The solutions for all these other relationships? Begin by recognizing that you and your partner have other relationships in your lives. Work on learning to keep those other connections in their proper balance.

Some of you will have others, family, and friends who so intrude on your primary relationship you will need to distance yourself from that former relationship.

Good partner communication and a belief that whatever the challenges, your significant other is committed to this partner relationship will go a long way in keeping those other relationships from damaging your couple’s relationship.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Safe use of your Spiritual – Prayer tool

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Praying.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The Prayer Tool.

People in recovery need to use all their tools. Spiritual tools are important just as professional and social ones are. Tools work best when they are used in a safe manner and in my opinion that includes spiritual tools also.

Power tools come with instruction books and with safety guides. There is always some person (fool?) out there who takes off the safety guard and misuses the tool. Sometimes they cut off a finger. Sometimes they hurt others.

They have neglected to read the instructions or follow the safety warnings. The results are not what they wanted. I am told, and I tend to agree with this, that there are safe and there are unsafe ways to use this prayer tool of yours.

This is the brief abstracted version of the prayer tool instructions. It is based on the use of the 12 step prayer model but will work when used with most similar prayer models. For more complete instructions consult the 12 step book of your choice or your religious instruction manual.

Here are the tips.

Use Prayer to communicate not as a request list.

Most of us pray like the greedy little children we really are, waiting for a big haul at Christmas time.

“Please God send me a new better paying job, a new car, a better-looking spouse and I need that by Friday before the big class reunion.”

Twelve-steppers are taught to pray to their higher power, “Only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

What we learn is that our Higher Power can help with our needs, which that Power already knows. But our wants may not be the best thing for us.

You Higher Power is not limited to only one response.

Lots of people say prayer does not work because they say that God does not answer their prayers. The reason they think that is either they haven’t tried it very often or they don’t recognize the answers when they get them.

Your higher power may say “yes”, or “no” or “not just yet you need to wait a while.” My particular Higher Power seems to have a sense of humor. Sometimes I have gotten the answer “you want what?” Then I get what I asked for and find it is not what I had in mind.

I am learning more and more to just ask for that knowledge of his will for me and stop making dumb requests. I said learning not that I had perfected this.

Do not try to use this tool to force God to do what you already wanted to do.

You pray for rain. You get it. You want to take on the responsibility for the flooding?

I was told – in no uncertain terms “There is a God – And you’re not him.” It works better when I stop trying to do his job and just stick to mine.

Prayer should not be a one-sided conversation.

Ever talked to someone and they did all the talking? Was that a satisfying conversation? Really?

Your conversations with the Higher Power need to be two-way conversations. So you pray, which means you talk. So how does this higher power communicate back?

Careful here. You need to learn to tell the difference between the Higher Powers comments and the lies that some of those unruly nerve cells in your brain may be telling you.

The meditation tool.

That brings us to another Spiritual tool for your recovery toolkit. Meditation – listening for your Higher Powers voice.

Wait – don’t leave just yet. Meditation, it turns out is nothing like that cartoon version you see in the media.

P.S. – By saying Higher Power, God or Him – I am not meaning to exclude any of you for whom that spiritual being is a Her, Them, force, or so on. Just English is such a problematic language in that regard. So if you understand your Higher Power as some other entity, make the necessary translations.

Next time – Higher Power Listening skills.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do therapists tell the police?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What will your counselor tell the police?

Short answer – Almost nothing!

For counseling to work, you need to talk about what is troubling you. For you to be able to talk like that, we professionals need to make it safe for you to do so. Enter the concept of confidentiality. What you tell your therapist is mostly confidential and may also be privileged patient psychotherapist’s communication.

There will always be someone who thinks we therapists need to protect society and tell something or other. Say you tell the therapist you are scared because you are driving without a license. Do we call the police about that?

No way. That does not happen in any place that remotely resembles a democracy or a republic, probably not in a lot of other forms of government either.

So how come the police sometimes show up at your door anyway? What did get told to them and how?

Sometimes a situation is so very dangerous that the police get notified.

Your house is on fire, the neighbor calls the fire department, and here come the police to control the crowds and traffic. I suppose some people get caught doing something illegal, like running a meth lab, because the police arrive at the fire and they find it. But the neighbor did not report you to the police, your secret slipped out because of the fire.

A similar thing happens when you tell a therapist about a very dangerous situation and we need to figuratively call the fire department.

There are certain things we just have to report, mostly to try to save lives.

I have talked about exceptions to confidentiality in a few other posts. Still, this topic continues to show up in questions and search terms. So, here is some reiteration specifically about exceptions to confidentiality and the police.

A danger to yourself is an exception to confidentiality.

If you plan to kill yourself we have to report that so you get help. This is not just a wish or thought, we should check if you are just thinking of dying, or are you planning to kill yourself and when?

We call someone to get an ambulance and take you to a psychiatric hospital. Usually, the police get called to manage the situation.

Do you get a police record for this? Generally no. Not unless you are breaking some other law, like shooting at the police when they try to take you to the hospital.

Danger to others gets reported.

If you are planning to kill someone we need to prevent that. This is not just doing something reckless. This is planning, intending to hurt others. This can get complicated. If you plan to burn the mall down while it is packed, could people die? So yes that sort of thing, in most places gets reported.

Abuse of a person that can’t protect themselves gets reported.

Child abuse, Elder abuse, disabled person abuse has to get reported. The goal here is to get the abuse to stop. But as in the care of the fire exposing your meth lab, stopping the abuse may leak out the fact that you have been committing a crime.

Sometimes these reports go to child protective services or adult protective services. In some areas, these reports go to the police department to check out.

Therapists only keep your secrets if they are your therapist.

If you see your doctor in the grocery store, don’t rely on his opinion of the produce. He is not being a doctor when you talk to him.

If the judge makes you talk to a therapist or CPS sends you to one, check if this is going to be confidential or if their report, warts, meth lab and all are going to the judge.

Even here consider the therapist is not calling the police on you. But if the judge gets the report on your mental state and you casually mentioned a couple of murders you did, the judge may be required to pass that on to the police.

So most things, even past crimes, we therapists do not report to the police. Honest, that is the last thing most of us want to do. Because once we make that call you stop trusting, stop telling us things, and then we can’t help you.

But occasionally because of something that we are required to report, some of your secrets could slip out. We do not necessarily call the police, but once we tell others to protect you or society that information is no longer strictly confidential.

When in doubt ask the therapist to tell you more about confidentiality. And if you have secrets that need to come out, let the therapist help you with the telling in the right way to the right person.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How can you tell if someone is normal?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Normal.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is normal anyway?

How can you tell if you are normal? How could you know if someone else is normal or just faking?

What if “normal” is having a whole lot of problems just like the rest of us?

Some days I start thinking either everyone is “normal” or none of us is. If by normal we mean no problems, emotional, mental, or behavioral. So far I haven’t found any such people.

Remember that I spend all day, most days, seeing people who need counseling and in that process, I need to assess them and give them a diagnosis. You might think that because I only see people who have issues, I don’t see the really “Normal” people.”

I am starting to doubt that.

Everywhere I go people seem to have one problem or another. Celebrities get drunk and do bizarre things, athletes do drugs and countless Facebook pages report mostly complaints about how rotten life is and how everyone they know is crazy.

The harder I look the fewer almost-normal people I can find.

This has started me thinking that we have set the bar for normal so high that no one can make it to almost normal let alone the full measure of normalcy.

If we expect normal people to be close to perfect then we are likely to be severely disappointed. Frankly, we all have our issues. Life happens, things happen and then we have to cope, for better or worse.

Some people cope better than others, but so far no one seems to be able to go on being “normal” every day for extended periods of time.

Frankly, I have given up on being normal. I will take “not certifiably crazy” any day.

From time to time when asked about how normal people do things, I have threatened to capture one of them and put that “normal person” on display at a zoo. That way the rest of us could observe what it would be like to have finally achieved normalcy.

After thinking about that a while I have to conclude that normal, is a long way from what most of us expect normal to be. Normal is, after all, living life in spite of having a whole lot of problems, issues, and untamed emotions. It may even be perfectly normal to have wild and crazy thoughts every now and then.

Given that, go ahead and enjoy being normal, even if you need therapy and meds to cope with a normal life.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Relaxed or tired?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tired or relaxed?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Can you tell the difference between relaxed and tired – most can’t.

Ever taken a vacation and come back more tired than before you left? Most of us have. Some of us are so used to pushing to accomplish things that a day off is a scary event. Stop running for even a moment and suddenly you realize how tired you are.

We live our life at such a frantic pace it can be a shock to our system to finally slow down.

Lots of people say they would like to be able to relax but when that opportunity finally occurs all they can report is that they are really tired.

This happened to me recently, or more precisely I finally recognized it was happening.

I mentioned a while back that I had taken up Yoga. Not in some fanatical religious conversion way, but just trying to do something structured that might help my flexibility and let me exercise without having to stay out in the heat or the rain. Being able to pick up things I drop on the floor and touch my toes again would be a plus.

Now our particular yoga class ends each session with a guided meditation. How common it is to do this I can’t say. Every yoga group I have ever attended has done it this way. But I can’t be all that confident with any conclusion drawn from a sample size of one.

What I have noticed is that by the end of the class, having attempted some postures, I am either so tired or so relaxed that I can’t remember much of what was said during the guided meditation.

This has caused me to wonder if I really can tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain tired.

Seems that I run from thing to thing so rapidly that I never have a chance to rest. When I finally do relax what I discover is the extent of my exhaustion.

This has led me to wonder if I or many of you are really ever able to relax. Or do we just run ourselves to the point of exhaustion and then when we stop to collapse call that relaxation.

Clearly, relaxation needs to mean more than just running out of energy.

So help me out here. Do any of you have ways in which you relax and if so how can you tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain exhausted?

From the number of coworkers who come back from vacations exhausted and needing a week or more to rest up from that vacation, I am suspecting that most of us, when we say relaxed what we really mean is drop-down exhaustion.

What do you think? Relaxed or exhausted?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

No one notices the passengers on the bus – they watch the drivers.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Bus

Driving the recovery Bus.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you the passenger or the driver?

Passengers on the bus are at the mercy of the driver. They stop when he stops and they go when he goes. If you have ever had to ride the bus, in most cities, you will find that there are some serious problems with relying on this form of transportation.

You will also discover that there is a lot of discrimination towards bus riders. That loss of control and dependence on others carries over into other parts of your life. People who have an addiction also lose control and they suffer the same discrimination as bus riders. Really serious drug users and alcoholics get both experiences. They get looked down on because of their addiction and because they have lost the ability to drive a car or manage their transportation. Eventually, they may lose the ability to manage the rest of their life.

There are certainly good reasons to encourage bus ridership. It is better for the environment. You may save money on registration, taxes, and maintenance. Those benefits come at the cost of not having the bus always go where you want it to and not always being on your schedule. A life run on drugs and alcohol has those same negative features.

You will not find many people impressed if you tell them you gave up your car so you could rely on the bus for your transportation. Somehow the notion that you might be better off having others take control of your transportation options does not sound attractive to most people.

Most people are not impressed by a life controlled by drugs or alcohol either.

What does impress others is the person who can drive their own car. The newer and shinier the car the more the impression factor. The driver feels better about themselves also.

Now just having a fancy car is not enough. A car is only impressive if it runs well in addition to looking good. The same thing is true in our lives. Think about celebrities whose lives looked good from the outside until it finally jumped the track and now is in the ditch.

The person who has control of their life, whose life is going where they want it to go gets a whole lot more respect than the person whose life is controlled by addictions or compulsions.

Sometimes in life, you need to ride the bus. Your car may be in the shop, you may not have the money to get it fixed just now. But the goal of most people is to regain control of their transportation lives.

The same thing is true if you are sick. You may currently be relying on your doctor, psychiatrist, counselor or sponsor to help you steer your life. But the sooner you can reach the point where you, with some help from a higher power, can take back control of your life, the sooner you can regain the respect of others and most importantly regain your own self-respect.

A life that is steered by alcohol, drugs, or emotional illness takes you to place you don’t want to go. You can regain control of the direction your life is going. Don’t let your past control your future. Get headed in a new direction.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Under-housed and almost homeless in America

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Homeless person

Homeless.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes homelessness wears disguises.

We here in America have slipped into a shared fantasy. There are the homeless and then there are the rest of us. It would be reassuring if there were only those two kinds of people and if we could somehow pretend that the majority of us would never be homeless.

The truth is that many of us are at risk of becoming homeless. Homeless for many does not spring up overnight. It can begin as a slow slide off the cliff and into the deep waters of hopelessness.

Most of us are only 30 days away from being homeless. Lose your job or other sources of income and the eviction proceedings begin. You can try to starve it off as long as possible, borrow from friends, max out the credit cards. You try one thing, then another. But unless the money flows in again the slide to the street begins.

There is this shadow thing here in America – the under-housed.

Many stop off here on their way to the homeless encampments. One reason it is so hard to get a handle on homelessness is because people slip back and forth between being without a home, the out on the street night after night, and the short-term stay places.

The slide towards homelessness can begin when suddenly you have to leave the place where you stay. Couples fight and break up. There may be domestic violence or addiction. One partner, often the woman has to leave suddenly. So they go to stay with friends and relatives. The intention is to be there for a while until they can find permanent stable housing.

These stays may be temporary. The people who took in their friends or relatives only have so much space, so much money. Eventually the under-housed have to leave and move on.

Couch surfing on the way to being homeless.

Repeated moves can become “couch surfing,” a night here and a night there. You may be able to afford a motel for a night or two. Eventually, this gets expensive. Expensive beyond many people’s means.

Sometimes they are able to stay longer. We find two or more families living together in a house or apartment not designed for much more than a single person.  Not because they want to live in crowded conditions, not because they are cheap, but because they have no income or only limited funds and the cost of permanent housing is beyond their reach.

Families with small children may come apart.

One child stays with grandma, another with an aunt. But there is no place for mothers and children together.

Some of you are saying there are programs for the homeless, why don’t they go to the shelters? Plenty of nights the shelters are full. There are waiting lists and programs may need your contact information. Some programs require a background check. Where do you stay while you wait to qualify for those programs?

If they do find logging in a woman’s shelter, dad or child’s father can’t come.

Women are at high risk to hook up with a man, most any man, in order to have a roof over their head and food for them and their children. Most of these relationships do not last. The cycle repeats.

Before we congratulate ourselves on the efforts to place the homeless into permanent housing, we need to be ever aware of the host of almost homeless who on any given night might end up down at the local encampment.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is your brain on delay?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

PNG of brain.

Brain
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Five possible reasons for Brain Delays.

There are lots of ways to put your brain on delay. Once you do, it can be hard to get it working correctly again.

Your brain may be tired, worn out, beat up, or just plain over-full. No matter the reasons, once your brain is in the delay mode you will not get the sort of use out of that organ that it is capable of.

Here are some things that may be slowing your brain down and putting it on delay and some thoughts on getting your brain back on-line.

Fear can hijack your brain.

When our minds are occupied with fear and anxiety we use up a lot of working memory. You can spend so much time brooding on your troubles that there is not much capacity left to think things through, plan for the future, or even to enjoy the good things along the way.

Find ways to reduce the fear or anxiety. There are all sorts of methods, counseling, medication, or facing this event with a supportive person. You will see a lot about that in other posts on this blog.

Some fears are really cowards in disguise if you face them down and walk towards them the thing that you are afraid of will run.

Depression or Dissociation uses up brain capacity.

One symptom of retardation is “psychomotor retardation.”  When you are very depressed any effort, even thought, becomes more than you can manage.

If you feel “out of it” or “spacey” look for an emotional cause.

There is also a condition called dissociation. A small dose of this may be a normal way your brain protects you from physical or emotional pain. If this keeps happening or interferes with your life consider getting some professional help. You can get better and no this is not, “just the way I am.”

Alcohol or other depressants make thinking fuzzy.

What depression can do to us, we can do to ourselves by drinking alcohol, taking depressant drugs or even by excessive use of sedating prescription drugs.

Despite all the myths out there, alcohol does not give you energy, it depresses the nervous system. Drink enough alcohol and just remembering who you are and where you are, become major tasks.

Don’t let alcohol slow your brain down.

Abuse of stimulant drugs can cloud things up.

Using stimulant drugs to accomplish more is a horrific delusion. In the early stages, stimulant drugs like cocaine and meth seem to offer the hope of lots of energy, a more productive life.

But with repeated use, we become the dog who chases his tail. You run faster and faster but get nowhere. People on stimulant drugs get “Stuck.” They repeat behaviors over and over until they finally crash.

Once they crash they stay down for at least as long as they were up. All that downtime, their brain is set on fuzzy.

Stimulant use and abuse can get you both ways, when you are up you are stuck on things and when you are down you are off-line.

Physical health issues make thinking harder.

If you have not had health care or it has been a while since you saw a doctor, make sure you get yourself checked out by a doctor. If it has a medical cause then your problem is not an emotional one. Having a physical issue can make your emotions more difficult to cope with. Sometimes you may have both a physical and a mental health issue.

So if you find your brain on delay, think about what caused this condition. Rather than doing more of what isn’t working, try something new. Get help and get that brain back up and working the way it was designed to work.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

7 recovery tools you need

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tools.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You need all your recovery tools.

Each activity calls for its own special set of tools.  Most men have a bunch of tools in the garage, carpenters and mechanics have humongous collections of tools. Cooks, good ones, and otherwise, all seem to have a variety of tools at their disposal.

Why then do recovering people think they can get by with one or very few tools?

Some counseling or medication may get your depression, anxiety, or addictive behavior under control but what will you use to prevent a return of your symptoms?

Some people can get away from substances, alcohol, or drugs, by just quitting. Unfortunately, they often find they are dry but not really recovered. We call that being a dry drunk.

Some people function in spite of their anxiety or depression. They will themselves forward until that stops working.

Others think that given a sudden religious experience they are now cured and will not need to work on their recovery anymore. I am not discounting religious or spiritual experiences as a source of recovery, but anyone with a successful recovery is apt to tell you that embedded in their religious or spiritual practice are some other recovery tools.

Here are some of the recovery tools you might consider including in your recovery toolbox.

Support system – Family and friends.

Peers in a recovery program, fellow church members, and friend’s relatives, all can be important parts of a recovering person’s support system. You need more than one kind of support to make this work.

The key is to find people who are positive support system members.

Members of a recovering person’s support system need to be encouraging, see the best in the recovering person. They also need to understand that it is the recovering person’s journey, not theirs.

Honest, support system people, there is nothing you can do to make someone use drugs or drink. Stop walking on eggshells. There is also nothing you can do to keep them clean, sober, or happy. You can encourage but the journey is theirs.

What you can do is be there for them. Expect there to be struggles and take good care of you. Letting the recovering person get away with things is not the same as being supportive.

Peer support groups and sponsors help.

Peer groups, especially 12 step groups have a long history of being helpful in maintaining recovery.

Consumer groups, while harder to find, can be very effective as a form of support.

Having a sponsor can also be extremely helpful. Sponsorship the way it is practiced in many 12 step groups is a whole lot less mysterious than many outside the groups make it sound.

You find someone who has recovered by completing a process of recovery and you get them to spend some time with you telling you how they did it. In twelve-step groups the process they use is the 12 Steps, so you want a sponsor who has actually “worked” the steps.

Other supports – Pets and Professionals.

Why did I put pets and professionals together? Should you see a counselor or get a dog? Or a cat? I am hoping you try both.

Both these groups give you something called “unconditional positive regard.” Meaning they should be in your corner no matter what, liking you as a person even when they want you to change.

With pets, we call this unconditional love. The dog comes over and licks you no matter how you are doing. They will, however, want you to get up and play even when you are depressed.

Guess what, playing with that dog, taking them for a walk will help your depression. And it may also take your mind off those cravings.

Counseling is a recovery tool.

Both group and individual counseling can be very effective. Group because you can hear how others are going through the same things. The verdict on online groups is still out, I suspect that as a part of your recovery tools they could be helpful. Just make sure you don’t try to do any heavy cutting with a hammer or a spoon.

Medication can be very helpful.

Mostly medication is useful for mental health issues. So far we have not found a drug that makes you clean and sober. Some are used to help reduce or manage the cravings. Lots of people stop using street drugs and then discover that they have severe anxiety or depression. They just never noticed this while getting high. For these folks, some psych meds, correctly used can be helpful.

Some people tell me medication has saved their life. Once the doctor found the right meds they began to have a good life.

Others tell me or write on the blogs, that the meds were worse than the disorder. Be careful about stopping meds suddenly. There can be side effects and withdrawal symptoms. But if your meds are not working or are causing other problems that are intolerable, please talk with your doctor. There are lots of things that can be done most of the time.

Meds by themselves, in my not so humble opinion, are not the whole answer. No pill will solve all your life problems. The med may allow you to face life again, but you still need to do the recovery work.

You need all the recovery tools you can get.

Self-help –self-expression – journaling, etc. pictures, collages, music.

Self-help books, Journaling, and other ways of expressing yourself are helpful. If you find you can’t write in a journal, try drawing pictures or composing songs.

Jobs – Paid or volunteer.

Something about having something to do and somewhere to go that is a huge boost to your well-being. Has someone told you that for you, work is not an option? Do not be so sure about that. In the first stages of recovery, you may not be ready for a 40 hour a week job. Still, that should not keep you from doing something.

If you go to meetings, make and pour coffee. Take out the garbage. Volunteer to help someone else. Something as simple as calling another recovering person each day (or emailing, blog posting, etc.) can get you back in the life game.

Supportive relationships are a big help in recovery.

By relationships, I do not mean only the romantic or sexual kind. Invest time in working on all your relationships.

In another post, I talked about being sure that your relationships are healthy. If they are not, consider how you could work on them to make them healthier or do you need to end some unhealthy ones.

People who have healthy relationships, others that care about them and encourage them, are more likely to stay sober and much less likely to end up in a psychiatric hospital.

I need to wrap this up. Relationships could easily be the topic of many posts or even a whole blog.

So how many of these recovery tools are you using? Are there any other things that I missed that work for you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel