Why love and counseling don’t mix – ethical Loophole 4

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Falling in love in recovery.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

This time love is not the answer.

We thoroughly enjoy our romance. Everyone can connect with the story of Cinderella and the price, wouldn’t it be nice if every commoner girl could find and marry her prince charming?

There is a whole category of books devoted to romance. There are plenty of films that script out the story of someone who finally meets this wonderful person who makes their life complete, and they live happily ever after. It is when we try to bring that fantasy into the real world that things go wrong.

Men, particularly older men have this fantasy, that should some woman, usually, a beautiful younger woman, enter their life, they will have wild passionate sex and live happily ever after. As long as this stays in the world of fiction this may cause few problems.

When these fantasies make their way into the counseling room this looks less like a flowery romance and more like a fatal car crash viewed in slow motion.

It is not unusual for a client to find they are falling in love with their therapist. They may be weak, vulnerable, and needing love and affection. Clinicians are taught to be aware of this and to work on helping the client learn to love again without taking unfair advantage of the client and becoming that new romantic partner.

Some codes of ethics say that a therapist or counselor should never date or become romantically involved. Some set limits, 2 years, five years, or more. The thought here is that after many years of not being in a professional relationship, then should you meet a former client on a cruise or at a school function you might establish a relationship. Even here the counselor is supposed to make a note in the chart indicating they thought about this, that enough time has passed and they believe this will not harm the client.

This is critical; will falling in love with former client harm them? By the way, ending therapy and giving the client a love letter saying call me in two years on date X and then we can date. That is just as bad as starting up the relationship while the counselor is still seeing them.

Given all these warnings why do counselors still engage in romantic and sexual relationships with clients?

Every time the new professional magazine arrives we see a list of professionals whose licenses have been suspended or revoked. Counselors who started using drugs or abused alcohol is always a big one. But right up there, sometimes in first place, are the reports of therapists that engaged in sex with a client.

Why does this happen? What is the ethical loophole that people stick their heads through that ends up strangling them?

Frequently this ethics issue begins with the counselor entertaining the notion that yes sometimes it is possible to fall in love with a client and live happier ever after. No, they would not do it, but they can see how it might be all right sometimes for some counselors and clients.

This can also start with the idea that it is possible for a counselor to develop an outside social relationship or friendship, without it becoming sexual. Sometimes it starts with attending a social event, going to a movie or having dinner together. There are all the usual excuses, the client needs to feel safe going out, we are helping them learn to make friends or socialize.

But having once said that it may be OK to have some dual relationship with a client that sometimes it might be OK for some counselors and clients to fall in love and have a romantic sexual relationship, it becomes possible that this time, they and this client, that is one of those exceptions to the rule.

Once we start making exceptions, looking for loopholes, sooner or later we are at risk to put our heads through that hole. Why should we care if an occasional therapist has sex with a client, maybe the code of ethics is too strict?

We should care because those relationships are inherently unequal and have a serious potential to harm the weaker party, commonly this weaker person is the client.

Falling in love with a client, that one is always a bad idea. Beware the tendency to look for loopholes. Many an unwary counselor has tried to put their head through this one and ended up hung.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Money and Friendships can cost you – ethical loophole #3

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ethics

Ethical loopholes strangle.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Dual relationships get a lot of counselors and clients into trouble.

Having multiple relationships can mess up therapy.

The big obvious one is sex, we will talk about that one later, but there are a bunch of other dual or “multiple” relationships that can cause problems. Here are some examples.

The client doesn’t have money to feed her kids; can I pay her to clean my house?

This sounds harmless enough. Counselors want to help people, that is why they became a counselor in the first place. So they might try to help out. Maybe give the client a little money. What about bus fare home? What about hiring the client to do a part-time job around the house? All this sounds good until it goes wrong.

You give that client bus fare once. They tell some friends who all ask you for bus fare. You have to start saying no. Now you have to tell that first client no. Then they all complain to your boss. Why does client X get bus fare and I don’t? Why did you give it to me and then take it away when I did not do what you wanted? See how that good deed can come back to get you?

What about paying them to help you? They could mow the lawn or clean your house. What if the lawnmower goes missing right after they cut that lawn? What do you do if your jewelry is missing? Can you make a police report on a client? Doesn’t that violate confidentiality? How can you explain that away?

The client is new to the city and does not have any friends. The counselor invites them, to attend church with them. The counselor goes and picks the client up and takes them to church. What could be wrong with that?

You are their therapist; you have power over their life. They are in a weak vulnerable position and you tell them they need to attend church and you are taking them to yours. Can they really say no? Will you withdraw care, stop seeing them if they say no?

What if their religious or spiritual tradition is one you do not approve of? Will you pressure them to convert? What if they consider your religion a “cult” will they be able to say no?

Think this doesn’t happen? Clients tell me, they have been told that their child protective services worker wants to be sure that their children are being raised in a “good Christian home.”  Does that constitute bias? Can the client say anything if they risk having their children taken away or if they have a mental health issue or substance abuse problems? Could those problems be used against them?

Revealing your religious preference to a provider can result in discrimination, loss of jobs, denial of promotion, or even make you the victim of physical violence. That’s why in this day and age members of some religious traditions still need to use the “decline to state” response to the question about religious preference.

I am not saying that all discussions of religious or spiritual values should be off the table in therapy. People with a spiritual connection do better in recovery. What is a problem is when the therapist crosses the line from listening to the client about what the client believes to doing a sales pitch or enabling the client to follow the counselor’s religion.

Encouraging them to practice a religious or spiritual tradition is a yes. Telling them they need to come to Zoroaster is a no.

Counselors do not have to stop going to church or another religious gathering place because their client attends, but they need to be very careful about transporting or arranging to meet clients there. It is probably an ethical boundary violation to be seeing someone in therapy that you also sit in a religious service and socialize with.

Wow! That new client just told me about this great money-making deal.

Money and client relationships, what a dangerous mix. Yes, we have to think about money. We need to get paid. But when we start thinking about money or other things first this can be a trap.

Investing money in a client’s business or investment opportunity or asking them to invest in one of yours, these are all bad ideas.

Lending money to your therapist is an absolute NO! If your counselor asks to borrow money run as fast as you can. Consider lodging a complaint on your way out to the appropriate person.

Think also about insider trading issues. Do you want to end up in court because you made an investment based on a tip from a client? Clients, do you want your therapist testifying in court about your therapy session and how this investment idea came up in the first place?

All of these ethics issues can start with just that little finger through the ethical loophole. Giving someone bus fare out of your own pocket, paying them a few bucks to mow their lawn, becoming involved in their religious or social activities, all of these can lead to trouble.

Client, I know that you may like your therapist, want to do something nice but remember that their ethics code like a priest vow of poverty may preclude them from accepting gifts, stock tips or other offers by you to do things for them.

For me, as a therapist, the best gift a client can give me is to tell me that something we did in session has helped them have the happy life they want. Hearing that I have been able to help, that makes my day.

Sorry if we can’t hang out or attend some social events together. I like you as a person but I respect our professional relationship and you as a client too much to mess this up by getting into another dual relationship with a client.

Next Friday ethics part 4 – the bad news for all you romantics at heart. Why falling in love with clients or your therapist so often ends so very badly.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel