Time for a life change?
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Creating the life you want.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.
Are you satisfied with the life you have?
Among the people I talk with daily, an almost universal characteristic is that they are unhappy with their lives. I realize some of that may be skewed because I work as a counselor and mental health therapist. When I’m not doing those things, I also work with a very limited number of clients, trying to coach them on creating a plan for life and achieving the goals they would like to achieve. You don’t have to be mentally ill to want more out of life than what you have now.
If you’re one of those many people who aren’t happy with the life you’re living, now might be a good time to look at where you are and figure out how you’ll get where you want to be. For most people, life is a road trip to unexpected places, relationships, and events. But it’s a lot easier to get to the destination you’re headed for if you have a roadmap. The map doesn’t have to control your journey, but it can sure keep you from making wrong turns.
Start by figuring out who you are and where you are.
On any journey, and life is absolutely a journey, it is helpful to start by knowing where you are and where you want to be. Even if, so far, you have been living your life as one long road trip, taking what comes along, it’s never too late to take stock of where you are and figure out where you want to be.
It’s helpful to take an inventory of your life. Make sure you balance the inventory by looking at the good and the bad. It may be hard to notice the good parts when life is challenging. In twelve-step recovery, taking an inventory is a formal part of the process. But as any successful business person knows, taking inventory needs to be done again periodically.
Your life consists of many segments or parts. I read a lot about work-life balance, but there are many other aspects of your life that need to be in balance also. In a future post, we will examine those various segments of your life and how achieving a better balance between the various aspects of your life and the roles you perform can lead to a more satisfactory life and better mental health.
Who you are has been changing as you’ve lived your life.
In the process of living, you have probably accumulated a lot of life experiences, both good and bad. When life is good, we tend to ignore the problems. But if your life has not you down, at this point, the only thing you may be able to see is the ground you’re lying on.
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that a flourishing, contented, satisfying life is outside your reach because life has brought you to where you are. Some people would call this a happy life, but the definition of what that happy life should look like varies so much that I will save the discussion of what a happy life is and what it can be for a future post.
As much as you can hold onto the idea that maybe, just possibly, life can get better. My experience tells me that for everyone I’ve worked with and known, it has been possible to make their life better. What that better might be for you is something you’ll need to think about, plan for, and begin taking action towards. We’ll talk about all these steps in future blog posts.
Start your journey to a better life by getting to know yourself.
Begin by looking at who you are now. Looking back over your shoulder at the past to see how past experiences and choices have made you who you are is something you may have to do a little at a time. Planning for the future that comes later. The best starting point is wherever you are right now.
For some people, their experiences in the past are so painful they can only deal with one layer at a time. I think of this as “peeling the onion.” You take off a tiny little layer of past experiences, and if it becomes too painful, you cry for a while. When you’ve healed from that experience, you may be able to take further steps.
Sometimes, this process of cleaning up the wreckage of your past, the things people have done to you, and the things you have done to others requires working with a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, it happens in twelve-step groups by talking with your sponsor and working the steps. Some people can make significant self-change by reading blog posts like this one and self-help books.
Because the project seems overwhelming, don’t let that keep you from starting this journey. One rule I hold onto personally and professionally is “better is better.” Another saying that fits this situation is “progress, not perfection.”
Self-knowledge is the key to any self-improvement or change process. Think about what is important to you. Is it money? Are you looking for success? Or are relationships more important to you?
Do you have particular beliefs and principles? Any plan for accomplishing things must be consistent with your religious and spiritual beliefs and your value system. Spend some time thinking about what your core priorities are.
I’m suggesting that you spend some time on yourself. Study yourself and find out who you are. Like any good student, you will learn better if you take notes. If possible, write down your notes by hand in a journal or other safe place.
Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?
Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.
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