Tag Archives: happy life

Why the therapist doesn’t care about your problems- unit of treatment

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does it feel like the therapist only cares about the other person?

Sometimes you go for therapy, with a person you think of as “your therapist” only to find they don’t really want to talk about you or your problems. They are only interested in your family member’s problems. What is going on here?

One problem for therapists is defining the “unit of treatment.” A good therapist will try to explain this to you at the beginning, but sometimes they don’t, and sometimes in the crisis of the moment you don’t get the details. Let me explain a couple of situations where this may be occurring.

When one member of the family has been seeing a counselor and now they want the counselor to help them with their relationship with another family member. Let’s say the client is a twenty-something woman and she has conflicts with her mother.

Mom gets invited to the next session. Mom wants to talk about how difficult it is getting along with her daughter and how she had to raise the daughter all by herself and now mom’s depression has been interfering with her life. Mom would like more respect and caring from her daughter.

The therapist does not want to hear about mom’s history of problems with depression, her hard life, and all the times the daughter disrespected her mother. The therapist wants to talk about their last fight and how mom could better support her daughter by being more understanding of the daughter’s mental health problems. What has gone wrong here?

The therapist is the DAUGHTERS therapist.

The unit of treatment is the DAUGHTER. They are not going to spend time on mom’s problems. If mom needs therapy then she needs to get her own therapist.

In this situation, Mom is a guest in the daughter’s therapy session. This can sometimes be referred to as a collateral session. A collateral session is all about how the guest can help the identified patient. If you ever get this kind of invite you should ask some questions. Is this for both of you to work out problems or are you only there so that the other party can tell you why you hurt them and they are expected you to do something to help them?

As a guest, you do not get confidentiality. You are not the therapist’s client and if you disclose that time you did something wrong you may get reported even if this is not a mandated reportable situation. Also if the daughter has told the therapist about things she has done in the past to the mother, like steal her money and forge her signature, the therapist can’t break confidentiality and tell mom.

Another situation that causes a lot of confusion is when a person is being seen for individual therapy and then asks their partner to join this. Say the woman above now wants to do some sessions with her husband.

Is this a request to stop individual therapy and begin couples therapy? Or is this an effort to bring the partner in to learn how to be more supportive and helpful to the wife?

This is an awful situation for a lot of men. They have talked with me in individual sessions repeatedly about how they went to a session with the wife and felt bushwhacked. The therapist, sometimes with a very feminist point of view, spent the session telling the husband how it was his fault, that all women are oppressed by their husbands and he is to blame for their marital problems.

Now any good marriage therapist knows or should know, that taking sides is likely to make the conflict between the partner’s worse and is not going to help the relationship. We should always be neutral. But if you have spent months listening to a client tell you all the awful things their spouse does to them, it is very tempting to turn this into a “heart to heart talk” by creating a safe place for your client to tell their spouse off.

This kind of session usually ends up in a blowout argument and possible violence or an end to the relationship. Counselors who do this sort of work should warn their clients to come in separate cars because after beating up on one of the partners there is no way that person is likely to give in say it was all my fault and go home to do as told.

If you go to a session with your partner’s therapist and this is not to begin couples therapy, expect it to be ALL about them and not you. A few therapists can handle this well and help the couple or family work some things out, but just who is here for treatment should be clarified at the start of the session.

The last example I will give is the parent, usually mom, who takes the child for therapy. They expect the therapist to help them cope with raising this defiant, belligerent child. What happens is that the session becomes all about how mom can be a better more nurturing parent and what the developmental needs of the child are at this age. She is instructed to spend more time reading to her child, help him with his homework, and make sure to walk him to and from school to increase his sense of security. The sessions are all about the child.

Never mind that mom does not sleep nights because of the nightmares from the abusive violent relationship or that dad is away in prison for what he did to mom and child. Mom also wants help with how she as a single parent is supposed to work two jobs to support her kids and still do all this with the identified patient child. As much as she loves this child and knows he needs her attention she has three others who also need attention. What has gone wrong here?

The unit of treatment is the child, not the family.

Mom gets only the help that relates to her ability to help her son. Now sometimes the therapist will shift the focus and start helping mom. The risk then is that the therapist will side with mom and spend the sessions beating up on the child, telling him he is a bad person and that everything is his fault. A good therapist will balance all these needs and help the whole family but this is a difficult task.

There are a whole lot more issues around children in therapy we need to look at. Can they consent, do they get confidentiality, and if so how much? Can an 8-year-old really consent to treatment? Is telling him he is the bad child an institutionalized form of child abuse?  And do we sometimes abuse the parent to make the child feel better? This post is running long and I need to leave those issues for other posts.

My conclusion is that there are good therapists who do a great job and not so good therapists who don’t do a good job of juggling these issues. Any time more than one person walks into a consulting room there are conflicts about whom we are helping and how we should be with the others.

Have you ever been to a therapist who just didn’t seem to care about your problems?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Inventorying you baggage.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Baggage.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are anger and pain all you got in there?

When people start on the project of inventorying their baggage they customarily find a whole lot of anger, pain and resentment, and a liberal serving of fears. If they find any happiness, joy, or contentment it doesn’t seem to take up much space and is easy to carry so it tends to go unnoticed.

The expression baggage mostly comes from relationship issues, leftover emotions from the last relationship that gets unpacked and used in this relationship even when they are totally inappropriate. The term inventory comes mostly from twelve-step recovery literature. I have combined the two here because they have a whole lot of common elements.

People who unpack their baggage find a whole lot of negative emotions, anger, fear, and resentments, that they need to inventory before they can move on. Any good twelve-stepper can tell you that the big book says that inventories are not only done in red ink. You need to give yourself credit for the good parts of yourself.

That asset taking, the black ink part of the inventory, will come up in a later post.

The big book then goes on to provide specific directions on how to do a fourth step inventory of your anger, fears, and resentments.  I will not try to repeat that explanation here. If you are interested in the full discussion the A.A. big book titled simply enough “Alcoholics Anonymous,” is available inexpensively and most everywhere.

While we have since developed over 300 different therapy schools, each with its own set of initials and applications to various disorders, the A.A. program appears to work no matter what problem it is applied to.

The closest cousin to this A.A. program among the therapy schools is the CBT process and its cousins REBT and DBT.

The short version here is that by one method or another, the way to get recovery is to get a head change. Your thinking needs to change for your feelings to change.

The reason we get hurt in life is that our expectations for others are faulty. We need to reexamine our beliefs about why people do things. What we find is that other people’s behavior is rarely about us. It is usually about them. Sick people do sick things. If we try to hang onto that sickness, stay angry and resentful, we stay just as sick as they are. Maybe sicker, because as we know better we should do better.

So we don’t need to hang on to all that anger and resentment. That does not mean we forget. Those experiences made us who we are, but we do stop ruminating on these old injuries “gnawing on the things that are eating us” as Casey Truffo called it.

So do you have any negative emotions on your inventory list, some anger and fear and resentments, you are ready to let go of? Toss that stuff, lighten your load and let’s get moving on this journey towards a happy life.

If you don’t have the strength to do the tossing, recruit some help, a counselor, sponsor or a friend can help you sort through that pain and become willing to let go of the past.

You need to jettison the past; it is heavy to carry and takes up a lot of room in the baggage. If you intend to get to that new happy life you had better plan to travel light. The joy and the happiness, hold onto that, it never seems to take up any room in the luggage, and the more of it, you spread around, the more you seem to have.

This lightening the load, getting rid of the garbage that is holding us back, some people do it quickly, but most of us need to do it over and over again. Keep coming back to it whenever you need to.

If you get going on this journey towards happiness you will quickly find that you just don’t have room for all that baggage. The closer you get towards your happy life goal the less value you will find in that junk and the easier it will be to get rid of it.

So let’s get moving. One last thing to consider. Who will you be taking along with you on this quest to find your happy life?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can an LPCC practice privately? Reader Question # 2

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

So now LPCC’s are licensed – where can they work?

In California, an LPCC can practice privately if – and only if, they are licensed here in California. So far the only people who meet this requirement are those who already had another license (LMFT or LCSW) here in California and who took the Gap exam to qualify for the LPCC license also. People who were licensed as a Professional Counselor in other states and moved here are beginning to qualify to take exams and become California licensed LPCC’s.

LPCC’s have a special role in working in career counseling, mediation, and a few other areas that are somewhat different from other mental health professions. LPCC’s should not treat children, families, or couples unless they have had additional training in those areas similar to the training LMFT’s receive.

Interns of any license (MFT interns, ASW, and PCC interns) are not allowed to have their own practice and must work under another licensed person. In a for-profit practice, the intern can only work for a limited period (6 years) while gathering supervised hours and testing. Interns and associates who work in governmental settings or other “exempt” settings may be able to work longer than the 6 year period their first intern number is good for.

Because of quality concerns, I expect most employers to limit the time interns who work for them have to get licensed and still work seeing clients.

Some people are attempting to get around this licensing requirement by calling themselves Life Coaches, a profession that to the best of my knowledge is currently not licensed or regulated. If the client’s issue relates to anything that may be caused by a mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder then the client should be seen by a licensed mental health professional. Coaches should restrict their practice to clients who do not have a mental illness but want help in accomplishing more in life.

The more promotional material I read and view online from coaches the more nervous I am that they may be stepping outside their scope of competency as well as their scope of practice.

The laws may vary in other jurisdictions but the legal and ethical principles to stay within your scope of practice and scope of competency should be the same everywhere.

Thanks for that question.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Medication to treat alcoholism – Disulfiram, Antabuse and Naltrexone

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs

Medications.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are there medications to treat alcoholism?

Two ways to chemically treat alcoholism.

We have been looking for a medication to treat alcoholism for a long time. There are two principle ways in which this is supposed to work.  One goal has been to find ways to turn the alcoholic back into a normal drinker. If only we could find a medication that relieves the cravings then the problem alcoholic could be taught to drink normally again. The other option is a medication that will keep the alcoholic from drinking.

The search for an alcoholism cure.

As far back as the A.A. Big Book in the 1930’s Bill was saying that maybe someday there would be a pill or medication that could turn an alcoholic into a normal drinker. It hadn’t happened back then and despite all our medical advances we still don’t have that sort of medication.

While a few medications have been tested to try to reduce the cravings, to date I know of no medication that will restore an alcoholic to a normal drinker. The only option for someone once they have progressed from a drinker to a problem drinker seems to be to stop drinking altogether.

While there are treatment programs to help the alcoholic or the problem drinker give up drinking and stay sober, a cure for alcoholism remains elusive.

Drugs that might reduce the pleasure of drinking, Naltrexone, and others, have been suggested for reducing cravings. One characteristic of addiction, to all substances, is an increase in tolerance after using your drug of choice. Over time the alcoholic needs to drink more to get the same result. Drugs that reduce cravings seem to accelerate the process of drinking more to offset the reduced pleasure from fewer drinks.

Keeping the alcoholic from drinking.

One drug, Disulfiram which is marketed under the trade names Antabuse or Antabuse produces so severe a reaction for people who take the drug and then drink it has been widely tested as a preventative.  There are other drugs that produce this same effect.

Disulfiram has uses other than keeping an alcoholic from drinking. Originally tested to treat parasite infections, those who took the drug and then drank became violently ill.

Alcohol, when consumed, is broken down through several steps until it is transformed into water and can be eliminated from the body. One of these breakdown products is acetaldehyde, which is even more toxic than the original alcohol. Having acetaldehyde in your system is a major reason for the severity of hangovers.

Disulfiram prevents the elimination of Acetaldehyde and results in prolonging and intensifying many of the symptoms of a hangover.

With Disulfiram in the bloodstream the drinker experiences severe flushing of the skin, nausea, vomiting, headache, shortness of breath, and many other serious even life-threatening symptoms. Further the longer the Disulfiram is taken the stronger the effects become. People who take Disulfiram develop little or no tolerance to the medication.

You would think that taking a medication that made you violently sick every time you drank would be enough to cure a drinker. It doesn’t work that way.

Medication Compliance is a major problem with most medications. While a psychiatric medication may work exceptionally well, people frequently do not take their medication every day as prescribed.

Antabuse is one medication that is not likely to be taken as prescribed. The symptoms it produces are severe and if the alcoholic continues to drink with Antabuse in their system they are likely to end up in the hospital. The alcoholic will often stop taking the medication so they can drink again.

Antabuse clears from the system very slowly. There is a high potential for alcoholics to stop taking their meds and drink. Physicians are warned to discuss the possible medical risks of drinking while taking Antabuse.

The relapse rate with Alcoholics is very high. Many studies have found no improvement in abstinence between those given the medication and those who use other methods to quit drinking. As a result, Antabuse is not widely prescribed to treat alcoholism.

Other drugs that make you sick when taken with Alcohol.

Disulfiram is not the only medication that can produce this effect. Drinking Alcohol while you have several other items in your bloodstream can result in extreme sickness. Several antibiotics carry label warnings to not drink alcohol while taking these meds because of a possible “Disulfiram-like reaction.” Some anti-fungal drugs and at least one type of common mushroom can also interact with alcohol to produce extremely violent hangover-like symptoms after as little as one drink.

The conclusions on meds to reduce or cure drinking?

To date, no medication has gained widespread acceptance in the treatment of alcoholism. A few people, a few times, have reported that meds helped.  If you think meds will help, talk with your doctor. Be forewarned, the meds will not cure you. You will still need to do a lot of work on yourself.

There are some medications that are helpful for treating withdrawals and as alcohol withdrawals can be fatal I recommend that chronic alcoholics need to see a medical doctor for withdrawal. See my post on why Pink Elephants can kill.

The diseases of alcoholism and addiction are mostly in the mind or thinking not in the body. Treatment that changes the person’s thinking is far more effective than medications.

There is no medication that will allow you to drink and not be an alcoholic. Like other life problems, you need to do the work of changing yourself. Others can help you but you do the work.

Hope that information about Medication to treat alcoholism – Disulfiram, Antabuse, and Naltrexone was helpful for some of you on your path to self-improvement.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Your autobiography as therapy.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Your autobiography as therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Where did all this emotional stuff come from?

Most businesses take inventory every year. It is good to see what you have and also what is missing. For many businesses there is a step that needs to be taken before we can even begin to take that inventory, it involves cleaning up the warehouse.

Businesses accumulate a lot of junk. There are boxes and bags tucked here and there and no one remembers what is in them and where they came from. Our emotional lives get like that also.

We have an “insecurity” here and a “resentment” there. Something that is said at work triggers a memory of another time we were told that same thing and it made us feel really awful. Only we can’t remember when that other time was and how that happened. We have boxes and baggage but we don’t know what it goes to.

Before you get to the point of taking an emotional life experiences inventory, which is coming up soon, it pays to try to figure out what this stuff you are feeling is and where it came from.

In a previous post, I talked about how our minds have at least two memory systems. We have a verbal, story type memory which is stored as words, this happened and then that. We also have an emotional, feelings memory which is stored as pictures and sensations. Very likely there are other memory processes but let’s just work with these two for now.

So you see something, a single fresh flower lying on the floor next to an empty beer bottle. What does this mean? Some people will think nothing of it, pick the bottle and the flower up and maybe put some water in the bottle for the flower. Others of you will get upset, start to cry, and run away without touching a thing.

Past experiences have conditioned a response to this scene. You have learned from experience what this will mean to you emotionally and you have launched into an automatic response.

One way to begin to find these past events, to make some sense of them, and see why those past experiences are continuing to influence you today is to write out your autobiography. In the beginning, it is not necessary to figure out everything.  Just write the memory down.

Some people start trying to interpret things from the start. Do not fall into that trap. You remember being in a room with a particular decor and you were scared. Don’t run for the “was I molested” trap. Just know that you were there and you were scared. That experience increased the risk that when you see that decor again you will feel scared again whether this is a dangerous situation or not.

So write down the first thing you remember in life, then the next. I recommend for this using a loose-leaf book. You may find every time you write about something you will remember something else. There may be gaps in your memory. At this point all that matters are you are exploring you. Finding out what feelings you have had and where they may have originated.

In a later post, I will talk about how to do an inventory of these experiences and emotions. For now just work on getting back in touch with you, who you are what you have felt and how did you come to be you.

Some of these remembered experiences will provide insight. You always knew this; you just never invested the time in yourself to think this through. Some experiences in your life are just that, experiences. No emotional content. Some have left lifelong scars even if you have not been consciously aware of them.

Please don’t only look for the sad, the painful experiences. Along the way find the things that were happy times. Maybe the memory will be of a pet or a special person who was in your life if only for a while. If you had that pet, for a while, and then you lost them, think of the time when you had them. How did you feel? What did you do?

If you can find that reflected crystal of joy from that time then you can tuck it away and recreate it at will. That time you were so happy, that special place, you can get back there again when you need to.

This project, taking a look at you and how you became the person you are, will take some time. We will want to return to it again and again. Tuck those pages away and keep adding to them as you think of more you remember.

In a future post, we will look at the process of inventorying those feelings that these memories and stories produced.

So far this year, we have done a lot of work on finding out who we are, what we value, and how we became the people we are. You have also thought about who you want to be, the place you are going to find that happy life. This might be a place to take a break.

Some posts on other topics are coming up along with some answers to reader questions. But keep working on your autobiography and your other projects in the meantime. We will get back to the self-improvement program soon.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How heavy is your baggage – Unpacking your baggage.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Baggage

Baggage.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Just what do you have packed away in your baggage?

The idea that we all have some baggage, things that connect us to our past, and that we keep carrying around with us, is common currency. We find that if we fill our lives up with that left-over stuff from the past then there is no room for making new experiences and memories in the present.

The result is that people continue to live in the past weighed down by their pain and suffering when they could just pitch some of that stuff and move on. Easy to say, this is really hard to do.

Unpacking that trunk is a task the may require some help. Professional helpers spend a lot of time working with people on healing from the past. Please consider getting some of that help. I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford help. That is an excuse, not a reason. Last year there was a post on “How to get help when you do not have money.”

The short version is that if you are really that impacted by the pain of the past there are those who will help you with this unpacking task. Therapists, peer counselors, religious leaders, and sometimes friends can all be of service here.

Beware of friends who want to take things out oh and ah over how awful that was and then help you put the thing back in the trunk for safekeeping.

If you want to move forward in having a happy life you need to start tossing that garbage.

Unpacking this trunk is a messy business. There may be some things you want to keep. Let’s see what you might find in your trunk.

There is that large bottle of jealousy and anger that you filled up during a series of particularly nasty fights you had with the ex. Your anger has spilled over everything.

Down towards the bottom is a photo album that has the pictures of the birth of your child and their first step. When you look inside there is your ex in those pictures. That is how those kids came about. How do you toss the anger towards your ex without tossing the pictures that remind you of the birth of your children?

So there will be some large things that got all messy and painful that we need to get rid of.  And mixed in there may be some small pieces of treasures we don’t want to toss.

Some trunks wiggle around on their own. Looks like a lion in there. When we open that one up for a peak the lion tries to stick its head out and eat us. We don’t want to face that one. The temptation is to slam the lid shut and never look in there again. The downside to that is that this is a really heavy trunk we have to carry around forever to avoid dealing with that creature in there.

This unpacking time is when you most need help. A good professional lion tamer with a chair and a whip can keep that lion at bay. Sometimes though, once that initial roar is over what we find is that lion, it is a very small scared little house cat. Having a friend look in the trunk with us can help with perspective. We think we have a lion, they laugh and tell us their cat is bigger than that. Now together you can deal with this unruly animal.

There are times that in unpacking the trunk of the past you will find some really awful things. Learn that if a real lion jumps out you can’t solve this problem by trying to put it back in the trunk and pretend it isn’t there.

Sometimes the only way to deal with a really awful creature in the trunk is to open the door; get out-of-the-way and just let it go. Don’t hang onto it anymore, just be glad it is gone.

There may be a few things from the past that you will keep anyway. That photo album of the kids and the good times, you may want to keep that even if it is stained by the anger and hurt of the arguments that came after. Some of those painful things made you who you are and you don’t want to forget how you got to be the person you are today.

Most of the stuff in this baggage is just junk. Stuff you were carrying around that is of no further use to you but you were not sure you were ready to pitch it. Have your friend or helper work with you and toss out everything you no longer need. You are about to take a journey on the road to a new happy life and you will need to get rid of all the baggage you can dispose of.

Repack what’s left along with your list of values and goals in a small overnight bag and let’s get going!

Some of us find this is harder than just cleaning out that one trunk full of baggage. What if you are an emotional hoarder? What if you have not one, but a whole bunch of containers full of baggage? You have accumulated so much emotional wreckage that you just don’t know where to begin.

You may need to do a couple of things before you are ready to move on. Next, we will talk about figuring where all this baggage came from, a look at the past. We will also need to take some inventory of the emotional baggage contents to help with the “what to keep and what to pitch” part. You may decide to keep some parts of you even if they are not fully perfect.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Danger at the crossroad – changes you can’t take back.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Road

Road to a happy life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Linger at the fork in the road – you won’t come this way again.

So you have reached that fork in the road. You have been in pain or unhappiness too long and have determined to set off on a quest for the happy life you want. You know you do not want to go back and if you wait too long that is exactly what will happen, you will get sucked back into the quagmire of pain and misery. So you are anxious to set off.

Which way should you go?

This is a common problem for people in recovery. People in recovery from depression, anxiety, a bad relationship, or an addiction all reach this place of the crossroad. You will need a warning about the potential danger before you make a choice.

Forks in the road don’t lead off in just two directions. There are three. You could go back the way you came. Given the choice between two potential new lives, many of us will avoid the uncertainty and turn around and return to our misery. Going back is the most common choice and also often the worst one. But that is not the only danger here.

I will not argue with you which path you should take. That is your choice and yours alone. Some people prefer the well-trod path and go that way. Clearly many others have gone that way. Some of you may pick the road less traveled, for better or worse you decide to strike out and explore that route.

Some few of you in the rush to reach a new destination will head out across the wilderness looking for a shortcut. There are no shortcuts to happiness. Occasionally someone tries to make a new path and they are successful. You might be that one, but we find a lot of skeletons in the desert, people who wandered off the trail and got lost far away from civilization.

If you are fortunate there will be an information booth at this fork in the road.  This is one time it pays to ask for directions. The people at the booth can’t tell you which path is right for you, but they can tell you the reports from up ahead on the roads.

Recovery groups will suggest that you linger a while at the fork in the road. They don’t call it that but that is the way I see it.

What you are likely to be told is that during the first year in recovery; do not make any changes that you can’t take back. If you have a job, don’t quit it. If you are in a relationship don’t end it precipitously. And for sure do not jump into a new relationship. Give yourself time to figure this out.

The reason for this advice is that having left where you were before, a place of pain and unhappiness, you will begin to feel all sorts of feelings. One way our emotional memory protects us from pain is to shut down feelings, sometimes called dissociation. I think there are levels or variations in the experience of dissociation.

Having been through a period of time where you tried to avoid feeling because of the pain, or where your mind helped you out and did this for you, you will suddenly begin to feel all kinds of feelings and you may not know what to do with them.

People in substance abuse recovery frequently find that they have suppressed their appetite for all sorts of things and they go seeking to fill those cravings. Sudden sexual feelings are common. So are cravings for excitement and novelty.

So if you are coming from a place of a bad past, linger before committing to an uncertain future. Don’t quit the job that has been stressful right away, but begin to explore ways to make this job less stressful or what else would you want to do.

If you were married young and never got to date be especially careful of the one who comes along and you say they are what I have been missing out on. In this highly emotional state of early recovery what we see in the opportunities are what we want them to be not the reality of what they are.

That new job on the other coast sounds perfect until you give up everything to move there. That new partner, there is a reason their last ex left, and you need to take your time to check this out. Make sure you see things and people as they are not as you want them to be. Explore your options and keep options open as long as you can.

So here you sit, at that fork in the road ready for a whole new life. You are lingering to think things over and getting back reports on the road ahead. You are anxious to be off on the trip to a happy life. Just one thing.

That trunk you are sitting on is full of a lot of very heavy baggage.

What to do with that baggage is the focus of our next post.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Would a Genie help? Happiness by magic

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happiness by magic wand.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Magic is about to happen.

In this quest for a happy life, it is easy to get confused, lost, and turned around. Sometimes we stumble over an obstacle or two or even end up in a deep hole. We lose sight of where we are going and get stuck in just getting by each day. The solution to our problems may be just around the other side of that big rock over there or behind any tree but if you are tired and discouraged, then it is hard to keep going.

Time for the Genie

Genies are magical creatures that can clap their hands, wave a wand, and change things instantly. Wands used to be exclusively for use by fairies but that was back when fairies were predominantly heterosexual. These days Genies have taken up using magic wands. Wands appear to work regardless of your sexual preference.

So imagine with me that you have just encountered a Genie carrying his magic wand. Because you and you alone have seen him he grants you 3 magic wishes. You must use them now or lose them. There are no “do-overs” and wishing for more wishes is not allowed.

What would you want?

This magic wish question is helpful in discovering our real desires. Not the things we say we want or the things we know we are supposed to want, but what do you really want?

I have asked this question of people young and old, on crisis psychiatric units and in residential treatment. The answers I get are amazing.

Some children list things – lots of things, that new video game and a better smartphone and – and –and. Other kids say things like “I wish my parents didn’t fight.” They want a safe place to live or food to eat. They are wishing for the things that are the necessities of life in my book.

So what three wishes do you have for this Genie?

Write those wishes down. Pull out the list of values you made earlier. If you are just joining us we made a list of values, things that really matter to us earlier. You can look back at that post if you chose.

Make sure these wishes are consistent with your values. Now keep that list of wishes. Take it out on a regular basis and see if you are any closer to these goals. Be forewarned that just accomplishing a goal will not make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. But you will never move forward if you don’t have a clear vision of where you want to go.

An example of progress towards happiness may help.

Let’s say that your values were that you wanted to have a better relationship with your kids. Your religious and spiritual values are really important to you. Right now you are stressed out from work and overcome with bills. That financial and job stress is making you so upset that you can’t really be present when you are with your kids. You find that when you are around them you are short-tempered and grouchy. So two of your wishes to the Genie were; that you had a less stressful job and that your bills were paid off.

Now you need to have a conversation with the Genie.

He could eliminate the job stress by getting you fired. No job, no stress – is that what you want?  Or he could give you some magic herbs that reduce stress. Careful here, lots of people opt for the herbs. You say herbs; the Genie has done his work and is gone. Now, what happens when the herbs run out? Lots of people reach for drugs or medications to relieve stress and discover they have become dependent on them. We call that addiction.

He could solve the bill stress. Get you evicted, no home, no more water, and power, or rent bills. Is that what you had in mind?

What else could the Genie do for you? Maybe he teaches yoga and meditation part-time. He could teach you relaxation techniques. Or he might also moonlight as a CBT therapist and teach you how to avoid “stressing yourself out” over work. Learning ways to reduce your stress at work might be just what the Genie ordered.

The Genie could also get you transferred to another department. But you don’t need him for that. You can put in for that transfer all on your own.

So what you have done here is develop a list of things that you would like the Genie to change. You have also thought about the how, the way in which you want him to make the changes.

For each change you want the Genie to make in your life, record the way in which he would do this and the steps that would take.

You might decide you want a new career. You need more education and training to get that new job. That means going back to school, which means applying to get in and taking a placement test. Don’t overload yourself. You did not give the Genie a time deadline to get this done. You just want him to start making the changes and so you need to know what the steps are that will make up those changes.

Wait – before you run out the door and start making all these changes. The Genie is trying to tell you something.

You are at the crossroads in your life and there is always danger at the crossroads. You need to hear what the Genie says about those dangers.

Next post I will tell you what the Genies warning was.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do you most want in your life?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you most want in your life?

What really matters in your life – getting clear about values.

What we do in life is driven by our values. If it matters to you then you will put the effort into making it happen.

The major reason so many people fail to reach their objectives in life is a failure to be clear on their values.

If you are chasing a dream because it matters to others but this is not what you really care about deep down inside your efforts at those critical moments will not be made with all your might.

A first step in having a happier life is to get very clear about your values.

What is really important to you?

Clients in crisis tell us they are confused. They don’t know what to do. Sometimes even a simple choice is overwhelming. This stems from unclear values. Last year I wrote a post about how we might help clarify values in a group setting titled “Clear Values.”

It can be helpful to work on defining values in a group. Friends or fellow group members can help with feedback. But if you don’t have those friends here is a suggestion for working on setting some values.

Take out a piece of paper. Do this, please. Thinking about it without writing it down will result in you forgetting things that should be on the list. After we are done you can destroy the list if you chose, but most people end up keeping this list for a very long time.

Make a list of as many things as you possibly can that are important to you. What would you like if you could have it all! Go wild and be creative. Try to avoid censoring these wants as they come. The point in brainstorming is to get as many ideas as possible.

Go ahead I can wait.

When I do this with clients they end up with lots of things. They want to be rich, have a good-paying job, a great partner that loves them, lots of sex, a new car, a big house, all their bills paid, their health, happiness, a good relationship with their children, their faith or religion, self-respect, their sobriety, getting even with that Ex, and a vacation to Europe. See how this list can go?

Now with that list in hand look the list over again and if you can only have one thing on this list which one will it be?

Be careful with your choices. Having a lot of money is not the same thing as being able to buy the things you want. To buy that new big screen you may have to forgo money in the bank and to have the money in the bank then the vacation, or your child’s school activity may have to go.

Would you want to be rich if it cost you your children and your health? Would you take the car if it cost you your sobriety or your self-respect? Will you pick the great sex if it cost you ever having a partner that loves you?

I can’t tell you what you should pick; it is your life after all. What we do find when we limit people to one thing, most often that item they pick is an intangible like family, self-respect, freedom, or their spiritual faith. If you grew up in poverty then having enough money may have another significance to you. Money is not the same thing as freedom from financial worry.

If you picked money, then your courses are simple. There are things you can do to make lots of money and you will do them even if it costs you family, friends, and self-respect. But if family is at the top, or spiritual faith, then this will influence your actions.

Finding happiness is like chasing a dog in the park. No matter how hard it is to catch that dog, if when you get him, he isn’t your dog, you will be disappointed.

At this point, some of you will be complaining. I made you choose between your family and your self-respect. How can you choose between happiness and sobriety? Do you really have to choose between someone who loves you and great sex? Don’t happiness and spiritual faith go together?

Yes, plenty of the time you can have two or three of these things. But sometimes you have to make a choice. You may have to choose between your partner, your family or your sobriety. You may need to choose between your self-respect and family. So if you had to choose, how you make that decision would really matter.

But let’s make it easier for you. Pick a second choice of things that really matter to you. What would go on your list in the second spot? Did that new car slip in right after your family?

Lastly, pick a third thing. Now you have a list of three things that are really important to you. Happiness for you will involve efforts to improve these three areas of your life. This third choice might well be a more selfish or materialist choice than the first two. That is OK. As long as you set your priorities you will know how to make decisions when it comes to that.

Now that you have a list of the three things that most matter to you, this should guide your search for happiness. Make sure all the things you do this year to increase your happiness are consistent with these values. Keep looking at these values, happiness will be found near them.

Values are not the goals of your life. You want good relationships with your kids. You may not get that. But values should guide your actions because if you reach a goal and it has taken you farther away from your values that will not be consistent with finding happiness.

Goals are about the paths you will travel, values are the way in which you will walk on those paths. In another post, we will talk about setting goals.

Just because we have identified values does not mean you will be able to instantly move to having a happy life. There are obstacles in your way. This journey takes a lifetime. So far we are working on packing a small travel bag to take with us on the journey. The list of values goes in our travel bag.

But be careful. There is still that huge trunk full of baggage from our unhappy past that is sitting by the door. All that stuff from the past will surely be a lot to carry on this happy life journey.

First, we will need some other tools for our travel kit and then we need to lighten that baggage.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Who are you? Who do you want to be?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self-Exploration

Self-Exploration
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Planning the destination for your life’s journey.

We are now into the new year.

Some of you made resolutions for New Year and some of you didn’t.

Either way, these first breaths of the new year are a good time to take a look at yourself, your life, and what you want it to be.

A first place to start is to take a hard look at ourselves. Most of us are used to muddling along, trying to remember those directions in our head but never really putting them down on paper and being sure of the direction we need to take. Now is a time to change that.

We have talked about happiness and over this year defining happiness and finding ways to get there are high on our agenda. But you can’t start any journey until you know where you are. In twelve-step terms, this is called an inventory and there are specific directions in the books on how to do this. In the language of therapy, we might call this an assessment.

I am not suggesting that you need to become an expert on diagnosis to move to happiness. Guess what? There are counselors who are not happy. The precise definition of your issue is not as important as your own appraisal of where you have been and how can you move forward from that place. We will break this process up into some steps.

One way to begin work on this life improvement project would be to begin creating a manual for your life. While we are all willing to contribute to this work, you as the expert on your life need to do the work of assembling this manual. Personally, I use a loose-leaf binder and paper to keep this record. This allows me to make lists, revise them, and move them around. This is sometimes called a sectional journal.

Some of the things you will have thought about so far are:

1. What will make you really truly happy?

This is all about finding real lasting happiness. As you will probably soon find, this is not about taking shortcuts and momentary pleasures. Your life journey should include some of those “right now” fun times, but it needs a longer range goal to give it meaning and purpose.

2. What does success mean to you?

Lots of us find we are taking someone else’s journey and therefore never get where we wanted to go. You need to decide for yourself what would make you happy and what success means to you. That is the destination part of the process.

You may begin by deciding to do something that you have never done before. For some people, they will find they have never finished a project they started, never completed school. They will decide that is where they need to go – for now. You may decide to finish your high school diploma or get a GED.

Later, once you get to this destination, it does not mean the journey is over. In life, we keep reevaluating and then setting new goals.

3. How will you know if your life changes?

Therapists call this the “miracle question.” If one morning a miracle was to occur and your life’s problems were all solved, how would we know this? What would be different?

All last year we talked about diseases and disorders, the problems of living. Maybe for a good part of your life, you have had nothing but struggles. So my asking you to imagine a happy successful life, that may be a bit of a stretch.

Give it a try anyway.

Make up a list of things that would be different. Write this list down if it is safe to do so. If you don’t feel safe in making lists and writing them down, then tackling that lack of safety is the first thing you need to do.

Is this fear about you or about them? If it is only about you then take a chance, write down anything. It does not need to be complete or even right. It just needs to reflect how you feel right now. Tomorrow is a new day and you can revise these lists at any point.

If you find that the fear is about them, the others in your life, then you either need to reword the things you write so you will not care if they read them or you may really need to consider if this is such a bad relationship that you need to run not walk away. In that case, reach out for professional help.

So you write down that first provisional list. Things that I would like to be different in my life. Try to keep that list between 3 and 10 things. If it gets longer than that take the list and save it but makeup draft number two by combining things down.

Say your list came up with 8 bills you want to pay off and 3 things you would like to replace you might simplify this by saying 1. Reduce my bills 2. Save up enough money to replace some things. Now you have two doable goals.

There may be some other things that some of you need to do.

One thing that would be wise to do is think about these goals. Will accomplishing them really take you to a place of happiness? We should talk soon about values. These goals of your happy life should be consistent with your values, religious and spiritual as well as material. It won’t do to achieve your happy life goals only to find that to reach them you needed to turn into a person even you don’t like.

By now most of you who are reading this have lived a while. You may have a lot of pain from your life so far. In popular language, you may have some baggage that will hold you back on this happy life journey. We will need to talk about how to leave some baggage behind and how to unpack some to lighten the load.

So let’s go there next.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel