Tag Archives: Self Help

Morning Question # 4 – Is there a mental illness you can’t recover from?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Confused brain

Mental illness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

That depends on what you mean by recover.

People, in my opinion, can and do recover from a wide range of mental illnesses and substance use disorder problems. Recovery means that you get your hope back and you get your life back. It does not mean that you are cured or can cease your vigilance when it comes to self-care.

Somebody with type-two diabetes can lose some weight; get their blood sugar under control. They may even be able to live without medication. But does that mean they can or should begin to overeat or neglect their health again?

Someone with a serious mental illness may get their condition under control. They may be able to have happy relationships and friends. They get their hope and happiness back. Many people with mental illness are able to work, volunteer, or do productive activities again.

Millions of people have “recovered” from alcoholism, by which they mean they are no longer in a hopeless state of mind or body.”

To me, recovery is a process, not a destination. We can all move from unwell to less well to more well. But recovery only lasts when you continue to do the work to maintain it.

So – NO – I have not seen a mental or emotional illness from which you can’t recover if you are willing to do the work of recovery. Some recovery roads are just longer and more difficult than others.

When a question or comment comes in or someone uses a search term that needs a short answer but not a post. Time permitting; I post answers, like this one to those questions in the early morning.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Support meetings for family members?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family torn apart

Family.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What kind of support is available for the families of people in recovery?

Why are there so few support group meetings for the families of recovering people?

There are lots of meetings for people in substance abuse recovery. In my local area in any given week, there are over 350 A.A. meetings and 50 N.A. meetings. Most towns have a local office. Call information and they can connect you with a local number who can direct you to a close-by meeting. There are all kinds of online meeting directories.

In an area the same size there might be a few Al-Anon meetings, say ten per week or so.  Sometimes one or two Nar-Anon meetings, but that is about it. Outside the major cities, just try to find a meeting for a family member.

When it comes to meetings that support family members of the mentally ill the situation is even worse.

To begin with, there are relatively few support meetings for someone with a mental illness. Many end up in A.A. and N.A. meetings because the co-occurrence of substance use disorders and mental illness is so common. The few self-help meetings that do exist specifically for people with a mental illness are usually affiliated with a particular psychiatric hospital or mental health system.

The best resources for family members are usually the websites of the large national associations in the mental health field. In many areas, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has local chapters and meetings.

I have had a few emails, my child, parent, spouse or relative has a mental illness, abuses substances, or is in recovery and their issues have taken a toll on the family, where can we get help? Often I have to admit I don’t have a ready resource referral.

One reason for the lack of support groups for family members is the reluctance of family members to concede that the whole experience has harmed them. Counselors often hear something to the effect of – Fix them – they are the ones with the problem. The idea expressed or implied is that if the recovering person gets better the whole family will be fixed. It does not work that way. The addict’s problems have affected the family. Living with a mentally ill person can strain any relationship. Those stresses on the family build up over time.

It is not unusual to have a person enter recovery only to have the spouse file for divorce or have the family decide they no longer want to see them. If someone you have been close to, has a mental health or addiction problem or has entered recovery, consider that you need help to heal also.

Here are a few websites for some national groups that offer online resources and they may also be able to direct you to additional resources for the members of the family.

If you know of other resources that should be listed here please share. Comments are welcome.

Nar-Anon               Al-Anon        National Alliance on Mental Illness

Hope you all find the resources you need to recover, individually and as a family. Have the happiest life you can.

Other posts about support systems can be found at:

How supportive is your support system?

Can one person be a support system?

How do you develop a support system?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should you tell that to a friend or a therapist? – Part 2

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Talking to a Friend or therapist – part 2.

I think I misread this question the first time. My first thought after reading the question was:

“Why should a client go to a therapist they have to pay rather than just talking to a friend?” That is from the client’s point of view and describes why a client would be better off getting a professional therapist rather than relying on a friend.

I wrote a blog post about “Therapist of Friend” which is up at counselorssoapbox.com. That post got some really good comments from readers and they suggested some additional reasons they found going to a professional therapist helpful.

After rereading the question I think they were asking:

“What if your friend is also a therapist? Or as a therapist what do I say, to my friend. Do I set boundaries and keep my roles as friend and therapist separate?”

Remember some of the readers of this blog are consumers but some of the readers are professionals or aspiring professionals.

Here is my opinion of what an ethical therapist should do.

The law’s that created LMFT’s and some other therapist and counselor professions defined what professionals do as “applied psychotherapy.” We are able to bill for services provided to a client’s medical insurance. We have to keep the practice of our medical specialty separate from what we do on a non-professional friend basis.

Consider a doctor and his wife, a therapist; who go to dinner at the house of a couple who are casual friends. The friends proceed to describe some chest pains the husband has been having.

The doctor could ask a couple of follow-up questions, make a diagnosis, and whip out his prescription pad and write out a prescription. But should he? Most likely he will tell his friend you should see a doctor. That needs to be checked out and you need some tests and lab work.

Now the wife changes the subject and tells this couple all about the problems they have been having with their teenage son. What should the therapist do? Listen empathically? Ask more questions to define a diagnosis? Suggest some interventions that the parents could try? Or should this therapist, for the same reasons as the doctor, suggest politely that lots of kids these days have problems and the family might want to consider getting him some counseling? Counseling doesn’t mean he is crazy, just he may need help with some of the growing up tasks that he needs to do. And often it is hard to listen to suggestions from family members whom you want to please and you have a history with.

But wait a minute, aren’t those also reasons why the couple may not be totally honest with their therapist friend? And could you make things worse if you suggested interventions or treatment and you had an incomplete diagnosis because your “friend” left out some embarrassing details in front of their spouse and guests?

Once you learn a skill it is hard to unlearn it or know when to put it aside. If the friend had a heart attack the doctor would most likely intervene and do some emergency procedure or he might call an ambulance. The therapist would do the same if the person was suicidal. But beyond emergency situations, therapists need to put their therapist hats by the door and just be friends.

Remember no one likes a car salesman who comes to your house for dinner and spends the whole meal trying to sell them a car. No one likes a psychotherapist who is trying to psychoanalyze everyone they meet.

The difference in the relationship between a friend and a professional therapist lies in the professional’s ability to diagnose or define the problem and then institute interventions to make a change. Even professional coaches are allowed to make criticisms of the client that a friend would not be permitted.

In a past blog post, I wrote about reasons a client might want to see a professional for therapy rather than just talk to a friend. Now, look at those same reasons from the therapist’s point of view. Your liability insurance won’t cover you. They get no confidentiality or privilege. You may need to make a child protective service report on your friend. And most importantly because of dual relationships, you lose a friend.

Here is what I suggest you tell your friends who bring up problems that are in a therapist’s scope of practice.

1. This sounds like something that a counselor could help you with.

2 I make it a rule not to do therapy with friends.

3. We are not supposed to have a second relationship like a friend, with our clients and I would hate to lose you as a friend.

4. I can give you the names of some therapists who could see you if you like.

If you do other things such as coaching or teaching there is no problem in having a friend attend your class or coaching them on more effective communication but be sure that this is a separate activity from your therapy or counseling practice. And remember, in coaching or teaching you never ever give a diagnosis or conduct an intervention designed to treat a mental, emotional, or behavioral problem.

Hope that clarified the issue from the therapist’s perspective.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Goodbye to Drugs ritual – Breaking up with an addiction

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Writing a goodbye letter to your drug.
Picture courtesy of pixabay

Is it hard to let go of your addiction?

When the courtship began it was all good. That drug, the alcohol, the gambling they were fun. Your drug of choice stays with you no matter what.

People come and go in our lives but that addiction we develop it stays with us. Women come and go, Sherry is always waiting, along with Bud and Jose and their friends. Crystal will take you in when no one else wants to see you. It can be hard to say goodbye.

We have ceremonies for starting things, marriages, births of children, graduations. There are ceremonies for ending things also, divorce decrees and funerals, and the retirement dinner. How do you say goodbye to that drug?

Do you remember the first time you tried the drug, that first drink, and the feelings that your drug of choice gave you? In the beginning, was it good? Did it make you feel excited, happy, and successful?

Then did bad things start happening? Did the drug take you places you didn’t want to go? Did it send you to jails, institutions, homeless shelters, or to lonely places?

It is easy sometimes when all looks bleak to remember the good times if only you could reach that same high again. But you know that it takes ever more and more drug to reach the same high and then one day even the drug can’t get you high. Then it takes more of your drug just to get well, just to feel normal.

It is hard breaking up with someone you have been with for a long time, even when the relationship has gone bad. You remember those good times, long ago when the relationship was new and you wonder how you could live without that drug.

Ending a romantic relationship is often done with a goodbye letter, the “Dear John” or “Dear Jane’ letter. If you want to be free of your drug you may need to write it that same letter.

Dear Methie, Dear Alcehol, we had some good times way back when, but you done me wrong. You said you could make me rich and famous, but you took my money and put my picture on the wanted list. You said you would be my friend, but then you left me alone in jails, prisons, and hospitals. Now you have taken my life and left me looking for ways to end it. It’s time for me to say good-bye ole drug of mine.

Once that letter is written read it over. Have you said it all? Is it clear that you and the drug are through? Or did you leave the door open, breaking up and still wanting it to call again? Rewrite the letter if you need to. Make this one final. The relationship is over. Then send the letter the way your drug of choice will understand.

Some people find it helps to tear the letter up and flush it down the toilet, the way the drug tried to put your life in the toilet. Are your dreams up in smoke? You may need to take that letter to a safe place and burn it. Some people feel that everything about their life has gone downstream; they may wish to tear the goodbye letter up and toss it in the river.

Creating a ceremony marking the end of your relationship with that drug that used and abused you is a good way to start the next chapter of your life.

Some people prefer to do this sort of ritual alone. For others, it is helpful to have a trusted friend, counselor, or sponsor to help with the goodbye process.

However, you chose to do this goodbye ceremony, do it, and toss that drug of choice out of your life. Stop choosing drugs and start choosing yourself.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

7 places to avoid when looking for dates – Dave’s Dating Tips

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Comment

Bad neighborhood.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Places you should never go to find a date

People with a mental health challenge or who are in recovery, want, and need a close loving relationship just as much as anyone else. Sometimes in our search for a close partner, we look in all the wrong places. Here are a few of the places clients told me they found dates that I need to warn you about.

When people are sick they tend to attract sick people. Now two people with disabilities can be a great match and a great support system for each other. Just makes sure you and your potential partner are headed in the direction of recovery, not continued sickness.

Here are 7 places to avoid when looking for dates. There are good places to look; only these are NOT those good places.

1. Do not hang out around the V. D. clinic waiting for the easy ones.

When you pick a partner you pick a set of problems, different partner different set of problems. Try to avoid partners with incurable diseases. Remember when you sleep with a partner you are sleeping with all their ex’s. People with a history of sexual problems are likely to continue to have those problems. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but is this one you want to take a chance on?

2. Avoid crack houses or bars

Lots of people with an alcoholic ex get a divorce, and then their friends take them out to celebrate at — you guessed it – a bar. They meet someone; fall in love, only to discover that the new partner is — an alcoholic. People active in their addiction don’t have a place in their life for a new healthy partner. They are looking for someone who will enable them to keep drinking and using. People with an addiction are likely to be found in their natural habitat.

3. Don’t wait outside prisons for people with gate money.

Now if this is your old man or old woman getting out, that might be an exception. People do change, but give them time to find a job and a place to live before you sign on to put money on their books the next time they are away.

4. Homeless shelters are not prime dating spots

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. People are ending up homeless that never thought they would, but if you are cruising this kind of place for a date what does that say about you? Does the word predator come to mind?

5. Don’t try to pick people up while at the psychiatric hospital

This is not the time or place to start a relationship. You both need to work on you. Actually, come to think of it I know some people who met in a psychiatric facility and made a go of the relationship, but they didn’t hook up on the first hospitalization. Work on getting better first.

6. Avoid people who left domestic violence court and can’t go home because of the restraining order.

Just like some people keep hooking up with alcoholics or drug addicts there are people who keep being attracted to the strong forceful type. Then they are surprised when the relationship turns violent. If you were abused as a child or are just out of an abusive relationship be especially alert for this type of repeating pattern.

7. Avoid people with a lot of babies daddies or babies mothers.

Be especially cautious if the person you meet seems to have more children’s parents than they have children. Can’t tell you exactly where to find this sort of person but you will know then when you see them because there are just so many places they can’t go for fear of running into an ex.

So there are Dave’s 7 places to avoid when looking for people to date. Any of you have any other places you would care to add to this list? Any of you that found a great place to meet people to date that actually worked out and you would care to share?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are people who go for counseling crazy?

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Sorry, this post is no longer available.

New post over at counselorfresno.com “If I go for counseling does that mean I am crazy.” If you check it out feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think.

By David Joel Miller.

How supportive is your support system?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Supporters

Support system.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Support system – Resource or stressor?

Recovering people, those with mental illnesses, addictions, or alcoholism, are reminded of the need for a support system. The evidence seems clear. Those who have a good functioning support system do better. Alcoholics and addicts with a good support system are less likely to pick up, to use, or drink again. The mentally ill with an encouraging support system are more likely to stay in treatment and less likely to end up in a psychiatric hospital.

Not all support systems are equal. The quality and the quantity of supports are both important. Who is in your support system? Who should be a member of that group? Making up a written list of the people in your support system before the crisis can help you find resources when the time of need comes.

We speak of support system as if it was a single group, one recovering person – one support system. That is not the best way to build support.  People in recovery need multiple people and need more than one support group. Any single person may not be available when support is needed. Too much reliance on a few support people can burn them out. Not every person in your support system can provide all the support you need.

Here are some categories of the people who might be included in your support system.

Family members can support you.

Family members have been with you for a long time. Even when friends leave you the family remembers you and feels an urge to help you. They will likely feel a desire to help you when no one else will. Support from a parent or sibling can be very helpful for a recovering person, as long as the family is not also part of the problem.

If your family members have a mental illness or an addiction themselves, and often problems run in families, they can’t always provide the support you need. If the course of your illness has been long or serious your family may be burned out on you. They may be unable to provide the help you need at the time you need it most. Many recovering people have a circle of family members in their support system but that is often not enough.

Family members can also be a huge source of extra stress. One study of veterans with PTSD found that family members were rated as the most supportive but also the most stressful relationships those vets had. The stress caused by family members exceeded the support provided.

While it may be helpful to have family in your support system you will need more.

Spouses, partners, and longtime friends can be supportive.

Spouses and partners can be very supportive. People with Schizophrenia who live with a supportive partner were half as likely to end up back in the hospital. If you have a partner they should be a part of your support system, but no partner can carry that full burden. Over time if your partner’s main job is to support you the relationship will suffer. Good relationships need to be maintained with positive interactions. People in recovery do lots of damage to their relationships.

It is hard for a partner to listen to you talk about your symptoms and your urges. They may want to be helpful but being your support system is not a one-person job.

Longtime friends can also be great sources of support. Sometimes these old friends feel like family. Just be sure of how much support any one friend is able to provide and keep people who are unhealthy off the list. An alcoholic can’t get much support on their recovery from someone who is still drinking.

People like you can be a part of the support system you need.

Finding a group of people with problems and interests like yours can be extremely helpful. Addicts relate well to other addicts. Veterans find support groups of other veterans hugely helpful and people with a mental illness should look for a support group of other people with the same sort of problems they have.

Twelve-step groups are highly effective because they are made up of people a lot like you. Alcoholics find A.A. useful because not only does it include a process of change in its “working the steps” it also is helpful in creating a support system of people who, like you, are struggling with their issues. Your 12 step support system will include not only your sponsor but other members of your group whom you can call when you need to talk. Many recovering people also socialize with members of their recovery group.

Veterans often report that they feel able to talk about things in veterans groups that they can discuss nowhere else. Rape victims say the same thing.

In the mental health field, “consumer” groups are becoming more common. So are “dual-diagnosis groups.”  If this is your situation, look for groups like this and participle when you can. If no group exists in your area consider an online group or starting a local affiliate of one of the national groups.

Sponsors and mentors belong in your support system.

Sponsors and mentors can be an especially important part of your support symptom. Most often these will be people from the group like you category above but they develop a special relationship with you as they help by sharing their experiences and hope. They will most likely be focused on one issue, your alcoholism or addiction but every support system needs at least one “old-timer” who can help you along in your recovery.

People who are less like you can still provide support.

People in recovery need to develop outside interests and activities. The longer you are in recovery the more likely you are to become involved in groups that are centered on things other than recovery.

Religious and spiritual groups can be extremely supportive. Include these activities when possible. If you have a hobby or vocation, consider belonging to a group for that interest.

As you move into groups outside the focus of your recovery, think about how much it is appropriate to share with the members of this group. Some people will be anxious when they learn about your mental illness. You may need to keep the discussion of your recovery for a recovery group while talking with members of your spiritual group about your spiritual issues.

Include professionals in your support system.

In developing your support system make sure to include professional people. They may not be available as often as friends, family, or members of support groups but they can be just what you need when you have a crisis.

Keep an up-to-date list of Doctors you see and the meds you take with you. Have phone numbers for the counselors and therapists you see or have seen in case you need to get more help.

Make sure you invest the time in creating and strengthening your support system.

Other posts about support systems can be found at:

Can one person be a support system?

How do you develop a support system?

Support meetings for family members?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Best of Blog – May 2012

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Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Here it is – The Best of Blog Recap for May 2012 –

Thanks so much to all of you for making this another great month. I appreciate all those of you that have read the blog and especially appreciate those who have left “likes” and comments. Please feel free to leave a comment or ask a question.

I have included 5 posts since the last two in both categories were tied or very close.

Best of blog for May

How much should you tell a therapist?

Are you Hyperthymic?

Why can’t we forget the painful past?

Posttraumatic Growth (PTG) vs. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Is it Complex Grief, Depression, or Bereavement?

The best of blog all-time posts are

How much should you tell a therapist?

How does therapy help people?

Are you Hyperthymic?

Why can’t we forget the painful past?

Grandma is the drug connect

To date, there have been readers in over fifty countries. Thanks to all of you. Stay tuned for more to come.

Till next time, David Miller, LMFT, LPCC saying “Hope you are having the happy life you deserve.”

Love Hate relationship with food – Bulimia Nervosa.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhealthy relationship with food.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Bulimia Nervosa a relapsing eating disease.

Bulimia Nervosa is included in the eating disorder category along with Anorexia Nervosa but it is very different from the other eating disorders. Anorexia progresses like a vice, starving the sufferer until their weight reaches a critical potentially fatal low. Bulimia runs its course in episodes of extreme eating and efforts to undo the overeating and lose the weight until it finally does its damage.

If you didn’t hear the person with Bulimia talking about food, should you only hear the emotional component, it would be hard to distinguish Bulimia from the binge drinking form of alcoholism.

Episodes of binging and the resulting guilt can be triggered by many of the same things that trigger addictive binges. Poor relationships and conflicts with others, the feeling of deprivation from excessively strict diets, or feeling out of control all can trigger the binges.

Binge eaters describe these overwhelming obsessive-compulsive urges as emotional eating. Emotional eaters who do not purge develop Binge Eating Disorder. Those who start compensating develop Bulimia.

Most people who develop Bulimia start off at normal or even a little overweight. They are likely to be a little older than the beginning person with Anorexia, perhaps late teens or even early twenties. There may be a period of moderate to strict dieting before the Bulimia strikes.

When they diet they have increasingly intense urges to eat. The tension continues to grow until the individual can’t stand it any longer, then like the alcoholic, the binge is on. At this point, the “just don’t think about it” approach does not work and may make things worse. In a previous post “Don’t think about Elephants.”   I described why the “just not thinking about things” approach does not work and what else can be done in this circumstance.

Binge drinking is defined as 4-5 drinks on a single drinking occasion, enough to get intoxicated. Binge eating is described as eating far more than a normal person during a single food intake episode lasting two hours or less. Bulimics crave food and then when they give in and eat it is not a little, but a lot of food consumed in a short amount of time. This overconsumption results in guilt and regret.

These episodes increase in frequency. Typically the person with Bulimia will have two or more episodes of loss of control, binge eating, and then efforts to purge the food every week for at least three months. The guilt over the episode increases the risk they will binge again.

Often the food of choice is ice cream or cake though no one food type is the choice of all people with Bulimia. They will eat until they reach the over-full point, become uncomfortable, or even painfully full.

The Bulimic then tries to undo the excess calories by deliberate vomiting or other compensatory behaviors. This is not a disease of gradual overeating and excess weight gain. Bulimia may result in sudden swings in weight, both increases, and decreases. The damage comes not from the weight gain or loss but from the radical behaviors used to undo the binge episode.

The emphasis is on the person’s use of “inappropriate” methods to undo the overeating. Someone with Bulimia may vomit so often that the enamel in the teeth is destroyed. They may develop calluses on the knuckles from repeated efforts to force the vomiting.

There can be damage to the throat and esophagus. A great many medical problems develop over time but may go unnoticed as the person’s weight swings up and down rather than moving to an extreme.

Bulimia is more common than Anorexia with up to three percent of women developing Bulimia during their lifetime.

These episodes of binge eating and the resulting efforts to undo the overeating are generally done in secret. The sufferer tries to be inconspicuous and may withdraw from family and friends damaging their relationships.

Self-esteem for the person with Bulimia is dependent on body shape and weight. They often develop intense depression after a period of bingeing and purging. Some have undiagnosed depression before the Bulimia, but Bulimia can also cause depression and anxiety.

Bulimia Nervosa like Anorexia Nervosa is treatable but both require specialized treatment by someone knowledgeable and experienced in treating eating disorders.

Bulimia is not associated with a high risk of suicide or death from medical complications, though some who have suffered from Bulimia can become severely depressed and have thoughts of self-harm.

Bulimia Nervosa is an illness not a case of vain or selfish behavior. If you want to be helpful to someone with this disorder listen to what they have to say in an open and non-judgmental way.

If you have Bulimia, get help now. If you know someone who has this problem encourage them to seek professional help.

Other posts about eating disorders and the new DSM-V proposals will be found at:

Binge Eating Disorder – the other side of Anorexia and Bulimia 

Middle class and starving to death in America – An Eating Disorder called Anorexia

Love Hate relationship with food – Bulimia Nervosa

Eating Disorders and Substance abuse  

Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Have you lost your child forever? Parenting after being away.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Children working

Parentified child.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

How do you reconnect with your children if you have been away a long time?

Recovering people have often been away from their children for extended periods of time, in jail and prison, in rehab programs, or just gone doing their drug of choice. When you have been away from your children for a while, parenting can be especially difficult. Over time they change, you change and the situation changes also. Here are some thoughts on making the transition back home.

The reunification challenges are greatly increased if your child has been in foster care or their other parent has started a new relationship. You may be the biological parent but someone else has been there raising this child while you were gone.

You need their permission to reconnect.

Just being the biological parent does not give you the right to force your way back into their life. Time changes people. Painful as it may be for you, the process needs to move at the child’s pace, not the pace you would want.

The longer you have been away the more your children will have changed. You can’t expect to pick up where you left off. We tend to remember things the way they were and forget how much they will have changed.

Short separations don’t pose the problems that longer separations do. Several clients, I have worked with were away from a decade or more. That cute five-year-old who was starting kindergarten when you went away, would be a teenager now. Your “little girl” may have a boyfriend, piercings, and a whole lot of habits you wish she hadn’t picked up. She won’t take kindly to you coming back after all this time wanting to change her life.

You need to figure out how you fit into the child’s life, not the other way around.

What they went through left wounds.

You may have changed but the only memory they have of you is the way things were. Drug addicts with three days clean wonder why the family can’t forgive them, after all, they quit right? One way people protect themselves is to hold on to that anger or resentment. For some kid,s that has turned to indifference. You left them, whether you chose to or not. Seeing you again can be like being grabbed where the broken bone still hasn’t healed.

They have had to adjust.

Adjusting for the child means developing new relationships. Someone has cared for them, seen that they were fed, taken care of them when they were sick. They got close to that person. They have come to love that person and trust them. They owe that person some loyalty. Reconnecting with you can make them feel like they are betraying the one who cared for them while you were away.

Now suddenly you want them to forget the person who raised them and follow you blindly?  Why should they trust you? You weren’t there?

This is a huge problem if their other parent has started a new relationship. Papernow has written about step-families and tells us that with blended families the new spouse is always an outsider. The parent and the children had a relationship first and the new spouse came second.

If you have been away for a long time you may be in the position of the new stepparent with your own biological children. The child has developed a relationship with their other parent’s new partner. The one who was there all those years has been the one that went to their school activities and played with them.

Biological parent or not you are the new person in the child’s life, and to make it more difficult you are not even living in the house now.

To rebuild this relationship will take time, lots of time and that time will have to fit into your child’s life and their family’s life, not yours.

Reconnecting needs to be a priority.  Lots of people in early recovery fantasize about having those great relationships with their children, the reality is that it takes lots of work and it will probably not live up to your expectations. Lots of people give up. I commend those who are so determined that they stick with the process even when it is less fulfilling than they had hoped.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel