Interesting study. This may explain why so many studies in the past came up with different conclusions.
Link to an article on the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation website: another piece of the puzzle:
Study
2
Did your goldfish die? About relationships
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Goldfish.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
What do goldfish and potted plants say about your relationship?
For people in recovery, relationships are a source of huge problems. Early in recovery, we discover that those relationships can be either an important source of support or a cause of pain and suffering.
One area that pops up on inventories, goals, and to-do lists is to create better relationships. People come to think that if they only had that one person that loved them they would be healed.
The result is a lot of people jumping into new relationships way before they are ready.
We can also start trying to fix relationships that have been strained or broken only to find that those first clumsy efforts to repair breaches have resulted in new arguments and slights that leave further wreckage in our lives.
Women in recovery are often urged to take the simple plant, pet test. Men would benefit from taking this test also.
Begin your recovery by getting a simple plant. A flowering houseplant is nice. Pick anything that you like and which fits your lifestyle. Spend some time looking around and selecting your plant. Most of us have selected life partners with less thought and consideration than we take on our plants.
For the next 6 months carefully tend your plant. Is it growing well? Does it need more light and water? Or does it need less water? Too much or too little of a lot of things can cause damage to plants and to relationships.
At the end of the six months grade yourself on plant care. Have you developed a caregiving relationship with your plant? Has the plant thrived? Have you?
If you have been successful at growing your plant then you are ready to move to stage two.
It is amazing how many people who can’t keep a plant alive jump into a sexual relationship and produce a child at a time when they don’t have the strength to care for a plant. This exercise is not just about gardening skills, it is about your ability to consistently day by day show concern and care for something outside yourself.
The next step in the process is to get a pet. This gets riskier. A goldfish is a good place to start. This involves more research. Most of us think we know all about taking care of goldfish but most of our fish die. Learn a little about what makes for a healthy goldfish and what their needs are.
You want to learn how to select a healthy one. Moving fish around can result in some not making it. Too much food or too little can make your fish sick. You may have to try this several times before you get one that likes the place you are keeping them and is healthy enough to be a part of your life.
By now I hope you are getting that this is not all about goldfish. What we are practicing is the skills needed to create healthy relationships. You will need to learn about any potential relationship partner. You will need to learn how to pick a healthy one. You will also learn that lots of things look better in the store window than they do after you get them home.
If your goldfish dies you may be sad or even cry but only you and the goldfish will be affected. If you “hook up” with someone there will be you and them but there will also be their family and yours mixing with you and your family and friends. If this relationship fails you can’t just flush it in the bathroom.
If you have been successful in raising your goldfish or other small pet for at least 6 months you are ready for the next big step. No, don’t rush out and start a family. If your living situation permits get a larger more demanding pet. A kitten or small shelter puppy make good next steps in this process. If where you live does not permit these types of animals, consider a small bird or other, more complicated small animal.
Now you have to balance your needs, do you feel like caring for your “family” today? Can you continue to meet the needs of your menagerie? Your dog or cat needs care every day whether you feel like it or not. You also have to consider the interaction between your previous household members and your new addition.
Does the cat try to get the goldfish? Do you need to move the fishbowl up high? How safe is the plant? Juggling all three creatures’ needs prepares you for juggling conflicts between other family members as your recovery progresses.
This creating a blended family is an important skill for those in recovery from a mental illness or a substance abuse issue. Once you enter a more adult romantic relationship there will always be conflicts between past relationships and the new one. Navigating blended families with step, half, and ex-relationships can put a lot of stress on you and on your new relationship.
This whole process will take about two years.
This step method of practicing relationship skills is not original with me. It has been used and recommended in recovery groups as far back as I know. It has largely been recommended to women who are at an especially high risk of rapidly entering a new relationship. This risk is especially high if you have children and need a partner to help with the financial and caregiving tasks.
In this new modern era, more men than ever are becoming the primary caregiver for their children and they especially need to be good caregivers not expect the replacement partner to take the primary responsibility for children from past relationships.
Some people become frustrated along the way and toss that plant against the wall. Some people forget to feed the fish for a while and the goldfish dies, or they overfeed the fish, pollute the water. and the fish dies from that. This gives you an opportunity to practice your recovery skills. I would rather you toss a plant at the wall then a child.
This discussion assumes that you are not currently in a romantic relationship and many recovering people are either not in one or not in a healthy relationship. If you are in a relationship or are coming home from the hospital or rehab to some children you already have you can modify this as needed.
The emphasis here is on your learning skills to have healthy relationships rather than thinking that if you just fell in love with someone else then your life and your problems will be fixed.
Any comments?
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Flavors of motivation – Personality traits and factors
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Is there one best motivation technique?
So far we have been talking about what it will take to get from where you are, wherever that might be, to the place you want to go. I have defined that place as having a happy life – whatever that might mean to you.
Last year I also posted a series of pieces about stages of change, how it is that we think people go about changing. While each of you may be in a different stage of change and we may all be in different stages of change for different problems, the focus of the posts this month is on gathering information so you can decide for yourself what, if anything, you want to change.
One aspect of making these changes we will need to talk about is motivation. This post is meant to be an introductory post on the topic of motivation. In “Motivation Month” there will be a longer series of posts on other aspects of motivation.
There is lots of material on the web about motivation, plenty of motivational speakers, and books on motivation. Some motivational methods work well for some people, some of the time, but no motivational program seems to be a clear success all of the time.
One consideration in designing a motivation program is who you are trying to motivate. One set of techniques may be more effective for self-motivation and another set works better for motivating others.
Psychologists have been studying the way in which personality factors – sometimes reported as the “big five” factors influence motivation. They influence other parts of your behavior and feelings also. There is some disagreement as to how much of personality is genetic and how much is learned. I think both factors play a role and therefore you start where you start but you can learn to be otherwise. Here are the big five factors.
Extroverts want the money or fame.
People who are extroverts are more likely to be motivated by more tangible status-related rewards than introverts. Extroverts want to raise their status. Fame, attention, high salaries are all likely to motivate the extrovert. Bosses will find tangible rewards, money, a corner office, or a prime parking space are likely to increase the extrovert’s motivation.
If you are looking to raise your status and need to self-motivate look for activities that will bring you into contact with lots of people. Networking, speaking before groups, making an increased number of calls, all these things are likely to motivate you and to increase your productivity.
Agreeable people need friends.
People who are high in agreeableness are motivated by getting along. They value communication. Not the kind of communication that is aimed at getting someone to do what you want them to, but the sort of communication that involves really understanding and being understood.
Agreeable people will work for less money if they feel that their coworkers are friends. They are excellent candidates for morale or social committees. They may be more motivated by working in an altruistic setting like a nonprofit even if the money is less.
Conscientious people need to get things done.
A person who is high on conscientiousness is task-oriented. They like to be able to work on a project where they can see the results of their efforts. They are big on self-discipline.
They show up for work on time, not because someone is watching them but because it is the “right” thing to do.
They are likely to be internally motivated. If you need to motivate a conscientious person, make sure they know the rules and expectations of the job and why these things are important.
Anxious people need security.
People who are anxious are sometimes referred to as being low in emotional stability. They will be motivated by results that improve their security. Anxious people will be more motivated by a long-term promise of secure employment or a pension fund than by current high salaries.
If you are high in anxiety you can increase your motivation by planning ways to increase your security. Most people are one paycheck away from being homeless; saving up 6 months or more in living expenses can be very motivating to an anxious person.
Personality type is not the whole answer to motivating yourself and others but it is one point to begin your thinking about the role of motivation in your journey towards having a happy life.
Throughout this year there will be more on the topic of motivation. Stay tuned as we help each other design and move towards happier, more rewarding lives.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
4 Ways Prayer is Answered
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Sunset.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Why visualization and the law of attraction may bring you garbage.
Whatever you may call it, the process of expressing things to our Higher Power and then waiting for an answer gets extremely misunderstood.
People tell me “God does not answer my prayers.” I also hear the law of attraction does not work or that visualization stuff is bunk. Let’s consider those possibilities.
Whatever terminology makes you comfortable with this discussion is OK by me. For ease of my writing this out, from here on in I am going to call it prayer. You can translate that into some other vocabulary if that works better for you. I will also use God and He or Him to refer to this Higher Power. If you understand your higher power as She or Them, please talk with your higher power, not me, about that.
We get a whole lot more answers to prayer than we realize. They just weren’t the answers we wanted and expected. Let me give you an example.
See a problem with this prayer?
A man new to recovery prays earnestly one night. “God, please give me a better paying job, lots of money, a new car, a nicer house, and a more attractive wife, and I will need this by Friday night when the class reunion occurs.
The AA Big Book refers to this as something like being a greedy child on Santa’s lap at Christmas. That is not the way we should pray.
We are told to pray for “Knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.”
You can reframe that as finding your life’s purpose and then living your life that way if you chose. (I need to stop doing those reframes.)
1. The first possible answer to any prayer is NO!
There will be lots of “things” in your life you might ask for and you will not get them. You may pray for God to let someone live and they die. This does not mean that you are a bad person or God hates you. (My higher power loves me and everyone else unconditionally; he may not belong to that kill them all and let me sort it out club.) Getting a NO does not mean that your higher power is cruel.
There were reasons why you got a NO, I don’t know what they are, you may not know why, but then you might want to go on living your life the best you can and see if you can figure that one out.
2. The answer may be yes.
Sometimes my higher power heals sick people. I do not know why he heals some and not others. Praying in this case and the resulting healing could just be coincidences but some of the stories I have heard tell me there might be another, more spiritual reason for this healing.
My higher power does, however, help a whole lot of Alcoholics, addicts, and mentally ill people if they are willing to do a little work on themselves. Why this Higher Power has such a decided interest in the addicted and the mentally ill, I cannot say, but I am firmly convinced that a Higher Power of some kind is a part of the recovery process.
3. The answer to your prayer may well be “Not now, you need to wait.”
Very often we need to keep praying over a long time, all the while doing the required work in order to bring a result into tangible form. Those of you who believe in the “Power of Positive Thinking” can ascribe this to repeatedly placing the thought in your subconscious.
Personally, I do not hold much faith in the subconscious. I know about the conscious and about being unconscious. Like subliminal advertising, I think anything worth doing is worth doing in a conscious manner. The subconscious is part of another discussion; now back to our prayer in progress.
That third answer, you need to wait, some of us get that confused with the NO one. It would be easy to give up on the conversation at this point and say God never answers my prayers. This is why it is important to not only talk with your higher power but to also listen carefully to what he is saying.
One way of listening to a higher power is to meditate. There are other words that can be used to this process of listening to your Higher Powers voice like “still small voice.” I will let you translate this one as needed.
These first three ways God might answer prayer seem pretty obvious but number four – well hold on to your hats.
4. You want what?
I do not know about any of your Higher Powers out there but mine clearly has a sense of humor. Sometimes God gives us what we ask for, all the while knowing we won’t like it when we get it.
We get this answer to our prayers when there is a spiritual lesson that we need to learn.
For example, say you prayed “God help me get this job” just before you go for the interview. Then you get the job. A few weeks into this new job you start discovering things about what you will be doing that are most distressing. You may have been moved across the country or overseas. You may be trapped and unable to afford the move back home.
This “You want what?” can also apply to love objects and friends. Sometimes we want an important person to like us and then find out that they are no one we want in our lives. Being popular with the in crowd, may not lead to spiritual enlightenment. It may lead us to a whole lot of places we wished we hadn’t gone.
This possible answer to prayer is why that “Praying only for knowledge of his will for us” part is included. We don’t always know what is best for us.
So have you used prayer or something like it? Has it helped in your life journey?
What is next on this road to a happy life? Stay tuned and we shall see.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
LPCC’s PCCI’s and Medi-Cal – News update from CALPCC
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
LPCC’s PCCI’s and Medi-Cal – News update from CALPCC
CALPCC the state-wide association for LPCC’s and PCC interns today released a news update confirming that LPCC’s and PCCI’s will be able to bill Medi-Cal here in California. This greatly increases the job opportunities for this new mental health profession.
Professional Clinician Counselors in California will be able to see adults and children. If they wish to see couples or families they will need to have had specific training in family therapy.
This SPA (state plan amendment) was signed in December 2012 with an effective date of July 1, 2012. The result of this SPA is that Professional Clinician Counselors will be able to bill Medi-Cal during the current fiscal year.
For more information please check the CALPCC website. Those of you who plan to practice as Professional Clinician Counselors in California should plan to join CALPCC if you have not already done so.
Related articles
- Can an LPCC practice privately? Reader Question # 2 (counselorssoapbox.com)
MLK Day – Obama Inauguration – What a trip!
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Today we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day
We didn’t think we would see this.
We have come so far to get to today. We have so far left to go. I have some very conflicted feelings on this historic day. I did not expect to see this.
Let me begin by saying that this year I officially become an old person, at least by some government standards. Like all old people, I have seen a lot of change in my life. Some of it good and some bad. I did not think I would live to see some of this!
Today I feel more proud of my country than ever before. Not that we have solved our problems, but because we have the courage to face them. Some will suggest that my optimism is the beginning of senile dementia. Let’s hope not.
There are plenty of reasons for me to be sad and pessimistic about this country’s future. But there are also good reasons for me to feel hope.
My generation watched us put a man on the moon. When I was born antibiotics were not widely available and there was no polio vaccine. I saw my grandparents get an indoor bathroom and running water instead of an outhouse and a pump.
We also witnessed the assassinations of John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Robert Kennedy. It seemed like anyone who spoke out for the good was overwhelmed by the bad.
We witnessed the shootings at Kent State, American soldiers shooting college students who were protesting the war. There was the trial of the Chicago Seven, a diverse group that had taken the protests to the Democratic National Convention.
Brave young men went off to war to defend our country. We were told that was why they were going. They have continued to be sent off to war and they still come home to less than their sacrifices deserve. We wanted to end the practice of sending so many of America’s best off to fight wars, some of which made little sense. They continue to fight. We could not curb our countries appetite for foreign incursions.
There were protest marches and civil rights marches, mostly in the south, and more African-Americans could vote. There were some people, black and white, who were killed for trying to register people to vote. There were church bombings.
But the voters did get registered and they did vote. And then those who only a short time before had no voice in the process, the poor and the minorities, they began to run for office. We hoped that change could come.
Very distantly, as if through a dark pair of sunglasses I remember a time when I saw a place with two bathrooms, one for whites and a separate building for “coloreds.” And there was school desegregation. There were sit-ins at lunch counters and places that refused service because of your skin color or what you wore.
The law no longer sanctions these practices. I wish I could say that it no longer occurs. The making folks unwelcome is subtler now.
When I went to high school we got into fights sometimes. You used your fists and the first time you got suspended for three days. Today kids bring guns to school and they shoot each other. We also expel kids for bringing a plastic knife in their lunch. Zero tolerance may make us feel safer but more kids are dying at school, at home, and in their neighborhoods.
I did not believe that a major political party would nominate a person of color, but they did. Nor did I expect that my country would elect a person of color to the presidency, not yet, not so soon, not in my lifetime. But we did. Not once but twice.
At first some of the older white folk, we tried to explain this away. He wasn’t black, they would say. He is biracial some said. We can claim him too. I like to think that he is a lot like me, an American first, with some Irish blood thrown in, just like me. But there is something different, very, very different about President Obama’s election.
There was a time when any black blood made you black. And to be white you needed all white blood. It is clearer now than before that most people of color have some white blood in them. We have also learned that those of us that used to think of ourselves as “white,” we all have a whole lot of nationalities and races on our family trees.
This country has learned to accept our president as Black because that is what he says he is. More and more people have come to see him as a loyal American who wants only the best for our country and who represents us all regardless of our race or religion.
There are people who resist this new era. It would be comforting to think that all people like me are good and all others are bad. This leads to hating other races, religions, styles of dress, and even music preferences. Some continue to dismiss others because to accept them would be threatening. But we have moved forward, some for better and some for worse.
My generation has also left an evil legacy. We thought that drugs were good. The pharmaceutical companies told us they had a drug for everything. We tried drugs for expanding consciousness and drugs to make you happy. In the end, what we found was that the over-dependence on drugs made you addicted.
The list of problems ahead is endless.
We have not curbed war. We have an epidemic of addiction. We have not yet faced the prevalence of mental illness, nor have we mustered up the will to work on this problem.
Violence permeates our country. Daily our people are shot and killed at work, on the streets, and at home. We have not altered the face or the existence of poverty.
More kids drop out of school and advanced education is becoming more unaffordable at a time that our future demands a highly educated workforce. Our economic leaders look more like robbers than protectors of money, stealing the savings of the elderly to pay themselves bonuses while their company loses money.
It would be easy to see the future as bleak. But on this one day, we can tell ourselves that some of those dreams we dreamt way back when, some of those dreams, they have come true.
Afraid to say pray? Spirituality, religion and a happy life
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Praying.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
The role of Prayer, spirituality, and religion in creating a happy life.
I have held off on discussing this topic as long as I can. It is with great trepidation that I even put the keywords, prayer, religion, and spirituality into my blog.
But there is a connection between what you believe and your ability to have a happy life. We find that people who have a spiritual belief are more able to create the changes needed to improve their life. Having friends is helpful and having somebody with a whole lot of pull in the universe would be even better.
Nothing has been so effective in human history at dividing us up into in and out groups and becoming an excuse for war or general mayhem, then what we call our particular spiritual belief. If you have a particular aversion to Religion in general, please read on, I believe that for you, recovery is possible also and you don’t need to sign on for my particular religious belief system in order to have a happy life.
I, like so many others, have from time to time referred to myself as a recovering —— (fill in name of several religions here.) I came from a region where at one time the “Regular” Baptists and the “Separate” Baptists used to get guns and shoot at each other. It was the 60’s, the 1860’s. But the idea is still in play.
Further north and a little east of there some of my ancestors tried to kill each other and then had to flee because somewhere Catholic and others were Protestants. Descendants of these faiths and a whole lot of others end up marrying each other and I am one of those results. I find it increasingly difficult, no impossible, to take sides in all these sectarian disputes.
So what does that have to do with recovery?
The hard part for many people in recovery, recovery from any and all of life’s problems, has been to separate those old religious rituals and dogmas from reconnecting with some sort of deeply felt beliefs.
Prayer is one of those useful beliefs.
Now it would appear that there are a whole lot of different understandings of who we pray to and what prayer is, but the results tell me that those that pray have better and happier lives.
Twelve-step groups in their early days had to come up with a solution to this God and belief problem. They use the term “God as you understand him” So that includes all the various denominations as well as the various other names by which people may call their “higher power.”
I will try to avoid those old sectarian disputes, though at this point I suspect I have already wandered into the minefield and shortly my comments and inbox will fill with comments from people saying “If you don’t pray the way we do at the First Church of —- then God hates you and you are going to —.”
Prayer is too important to our recovery from unhappiness and a whole lot of other issues to be left out of the equation.
Wholly sectarian philosophies often incorporate practices that look and sound suspiciously like prayer. Creative visualization, meditation, the law of attraction, all these things try to put us in touch with something greater than ourselves. So does “wish-craft” and psyching yourself up to create better performance.
As we take this journey towards our happy life, whatever you may define that as being, we will need to talk about the role of faith, belief, prayer, and meditation. I don’t expect to write anything that intentionally offends anyone and I do believe that what I say will not contradict anyone’s current religious practice.
I have not studied religion in any professional capacity and don’t presume to tell anyone what they “should” believe. What I do know based on my training in counseling and psychotherapy is that believing in something is helpful in creating a positive, mentally healthy life.
This raises a bunch of questions we need to consider.
Does God, your higher power, the forces of the universe, or whomever, hear and answer your prayers? Even if it is your own subconscious that hears and responds, what might be the advantages of giving some prayer a try?
Why do some people say they get answers to their prayers and others say they don’t? What improves the chances that you will get an answer? How many different ways could your prayer be answered?
What is all this meditation stuff and why do people talk about “prayer and meditation?” Don’t you do one or the other?
This material on prayer, meditation, and spirituality will get sprinkled throughout the year so as to avoid giving anyone spiritual indigestion.
From personal experience, I have concluded that my Higher Power (as I understand them) has not one or two ways to answer my prayers. I am quite convinced that I have received at least four different answers to my requests. Your answers to prayer may vary from that number depending on your actual situation. I have also learned that I was not very skilled at praying. I have needed to change the technique I use.
Let me tell you in a future post about those four different answers you may receive and why we may all be amateur prayers.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Forgetting things may not be a memory problem
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Memory.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
How well you remember may depend on how you learned.
Memory is important. There is nothing as frustrating as standing there trying to remember someone’s name and come up with a complete blank.
We all blame this on a bad memory. That may not be the problem at all.
How well you remember someone or something may all depend on the very first impression. How well did you grasp the facts the first time you saw or heard them?
We talked in a past post (Why you can’t forget the painful past) about how pain is burned into us and happy memories take time to sink in. But there is more than just your emotional state at work in how well you remember.
That forgetting things, it may not be about old age or the beginning of Alzheimer’s. An example may help explain this.
You attend a social function over the weekend and meet some new people. On your way in past a hoard of noisy people trying to find their dinner table you are introduced to a couple and you shake hands just before you are whisked away to your table. You think that their names are Jane and Tom. Later when you say something to your partner over dinner about meeting Jane and Tom, they say who? You mean Janet and Tim?
Not what were their names? You are not really sure. Two weeks later you start work at a new company. The boss, you suddenly recognize him, you met him at the dinner meeting, but what was his name?
The problem here is not that you forgot his name. It is not even that you did not try to remember all those people who you met that night for the first time.
The problem is not in the retrieval part of memory. You never really learned this person’s name in the first place and clearly, you can’t remember something you never knew. You have just learned an important lesson.
How well you remember depends on the first impression something makes on you and on your brain. Hear a name clearly, get a chance to repeat it a few times, maybe even write it down and you will probably remember it. But hear it once, over a lot of noise in a hurried situation and it may well never get stored away in your memory.
Much of what we call forgetting is really a failure to learn things in the first place.
Remember that chemicals in your bloodstream can affect the recording, processing, or retrieval of information. To remember something you need to be able to do all three functions. We have talked in the past about how chemicals in the bloodstream can alter the storage and retrieval of information.
If you need the same chemical in your bloodstream to remember as was there when you learned something this is called State-Dependent Learning. We also talked about Marijuana and how it may interfere both with the storage and the retrieval of information. And of course, alcohol can cause blackouts, the total failure to record information even while you are talking and moving about. See “Do people really forget what happens when drinking.”
You now know that another major source of memory failure is not slowing down and learning things thoroughly enough in the first place.
A good memory is important in life and we could all use some help in improving our memory and our ability to make use of that thing we call our brain. Over the posts to come, I will talk more about how to get the best use and mileage out of that thing we call our brain. Better and clear thinking is a skill that can be learned. It does not benefit from the use of self-prescribed street drugs to boost its functioning.
Oh yes, some memory problems can be organic health problems. If there is a chance of that or you are concerned that this forgetting may be excessive, if you worry about having or getting Alzheimer’s, please see a doctor.
But also in the future work on improving your memory by, slowing it down, letting it sink in, and you will find the things you fully learned you will remember better.
Related articles
- What is Situational Memory? (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Body remembers what the mind forgets (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Your autobiography as therapy (counselorssoapbox.com)
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Finding your Quest – what life challenge will define you?
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Meaning.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Have you found your life’s purpose?
It is my view that each and every person has a reason for being – beyond that night their parents spent together. Some of us find our purpose easily and the rest of our life leads in that direction. For others of us, we can’t see that purpose till late in life after we have accumulated a vast collection of experiences.
We are all the heroes of our own lives.
Every great epic story involves a hero and a quest. In the heroic drama, there is a customary sequence of events that sets up the required quest. Good fiction writers know this and give you plenty of quest elements to make their stories interesting. When I write fiction I try to incorporate those elements. In my counseling practice I find that clients have been on personal quests, searches for life’s meaning, that rival any I think up for a work of fiction.
The epic begins with the hero being asked to undertake some great and meaningful task. They are thinking of doing something to save mankind or prevent a great global disaster. Interview a group of first-graders and ask them what they plan to be when they grow up and you will get a list of those professions that try to make a difference. Somewhere along the line, we decide not to embark on that quest.
In the hero story, the protagonist usually says no. I don’t want to devote my life to helping the homeless or some other noble undertaking. Here the hero goes off on his own and tries to have a lot of fun. Sound familiar. We may suspect we have some special purpose but no, we decide to live our lives for ourselves and let others worry about the homeless and world peace.
Now in the hero story, the main guy finds he can’t escape his destiny no matter how hard he tries. The war comes to his town, the shelling destroys his home and now he is one of those homeless refugees of war. He has to do something to end homelessness and war if only to save himself. Maybe in the process, he puts on a white helmet and tries to save a few children.
Notice that most people in the helping professions have had to overcome some issues, in themselves or their families, the quest to improve their world was thrust on them whether they wanted it or not.
Counselors in substance abuse facilities have historically been people in recovery from alcoholism or addiction. They have to save others to save themselves. I have also seen people who grew up without parents who were moved from caregiver to caregiver, who made it their life work to be super parents or to work with other parentless children.
So in this epic we call our lives we may get distracted, sometimes for years, but eventually, we need to face the task of finding a purpose for our lives. We embark on this quest or we waste away never knowing that our life could have had a purpose and a meaning.
We may stumble along in life, endure pain, and suffer a little. Hopefully, learn that the pain may be a requirement but the suffering is optional. Eventually, we find our life purpose. Right?
Wish it were that easy.
The way this heroic quest plot plays out in the movie theater or the novel is a lot easier to see than in our own lives.
In the novel version, once the hero sets off there are all kinds of obstacles put in his way. He may encounter dragons and demons and all sorts of stuff. He will be arrested and thrown in a dungeon and then have to find the magic key that sets him free.
A writer’s expression that fits with this scene is “when the hero reaches for the key, cut off his hand.” This sounds cruel I know, but in the giant epic, there is never a point where the hero knows things are getting better. Not till he gets to the end and looks back.
So what does this have to do with our personal recovery? Sometimes recovery is not pretty. This is a real-life and bad things can keep happening even when you are trying to do the right thing. The thing that will give your life real meaning, will make your quest worth undertaking, is to find that thing that says to you it needs doing no matter what it takes.
If you can find that quest, your life will have meaning no matter how hard the struggles.
Are you willing to undertake a great heroic quest to become the best person you can be?
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
The problem easy button.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Pushing the button.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Where did I put that easy button that solves everyone’s problems?
Have you seen that commercial where there is an easy button and you push it and the problem is solved?
Do you ever wish there was one of those buttons?
Clients come for counseling and they talk about how bad their life is, how they wish that family member would change, and so on.
What they don’t usually talk about is what they are willing to do to get this situation to change.
So if we had an easy button for your life problems – would you hit it?
Surprisingly many people would not be willing to hit the button.
Say you have a lot of anxiety and you could hit this button and all your anxiety would be gone, a very large number of you will pass on that opportunity. Why won’t people hit the easy button when it is sitting there on the table in front of them?
One reason is that our problems become like old friends. We are used to our particular brand of suffering and we are afraid that if this problem were to be solved then there would be other changes in our lives, changes that scare us. The terror we know is less scary than the one that might be around the bend in the path we have never trod.
For people who suffer from anger, depression, or substance abuse, their problem can become a part of who they think they are. Depression, like Anxiety, keeps you from doing things. That fear protects you from trying and therefore you don’t have to worry about making mistakes. You can’t do it because of Mr. Anxiety, Mary Jane, or Miss Crystal, so it is not your fault. If we take your anxiety from you and you were able to do things – guess what. Some of those things would not turn out well. You might even make some mistakes.
The cost of having an illness that prevents you from doing things needs to be balanced with the risks that if you did those things they will not all turn out perfectly.
With the freedom to make choices to decide how you want to live your life also come responsibilities. You need to own your choices, the good and the bad. Freedom has its risks.
Sometimes it is nice to have someone listen; understand what we are going through. Life can be hard and having a supportive person can be a great comfort. That person should not be someone who convinces you to hold on to your misery because a life free of suffering is just too scary.
I accept that many of us have had to live with pain. Pain may be a part of the human condition, but the suffering, that is optional.
One thing the counselor should not do is become a co-conspirator with the client and begin to tell them that they should give up. That with your problems there is no way you could be successful and so, of course, you should not try.
Despite the reality that giving up is bad advice no matter who tells you to do it, we all from time to time tell ourselves that we need to stop trying. The risks of solving our life problems are just too great.
So if the problem-solving button were in front of you – right now – hit it and your problem will be solved – will you do it? Are you ready to take that chance?
What will it take for you to be ready to leave those problems behind?
That button, that key to solving your problems, it has been there all this time, deep down inside you. You should know by now that your life can be happier if only you chose to let go of the suffering and make the most of your life with or without the pain.
The anger, the anxiety, the addiction, they may have been your long-term companions but they are not your friends. Kick them to the curb and get on with your life.
Every great epic story involves a hero and a quest.
Related articles
- How heavy is your baggage – Unpacking your baggage (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Inventorying you baggage (counselorssoapbox.com)
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
counselorssoapbox 