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Relationships, Past, Present, And Future

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Couple

Relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Relationships, Past, Present, And Future.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

How can you tell when you’re in a relationship?

When most people describe their relationships, they’re talking about romantic, sexual relationships. I had a client come back for a follow-up session and tell me they did not need relationship counseling because they were not in a relationship and did not plan to get into another one either.

Then they spent the rest of the hour describing their conflicts with their parents, who were separated, several exes, their boss, their coworkers, and we ended with a quick summary of all the problems they were having in parenting their children, some of whom were still minors and some who were adults.

It’s important to realize we have lots of relationships with lots of people, even when we’re not in the primary sexual love relationship. No matter what you do, you’d never completely get that ex out of your mind, even when you get them out of your bedroom. Those fights you had with them, the things they liked and didn’t like, continue to rattle around in your head pretty much forever.

How you go about getting into relationships and getting out of them continues to affect you long after they’re gone. The problems you had with your parents may have affected your relationship with your romantic partner, and cumulatively, all these problems may be affecting your relationships at work and in your social life.

What makes it a relationship?

As I started to work on this series of posts, I decided to do something a little different. I consulted with two esteemed sources of knowledge, Professor Google and Advanced Researcher ChatGPT. The question I asked was relatively straightforward, but it got very different answers.

The question I posed TO AI was

“Please define a relationship and explain how someone gets into and out of relationships.”

Professor Google clearly answered, presuming that a relationship had to do with romantic and or sexual activity. He emphasized the connection or bond between two or more people, their interactions, their shared experiences, and especially underlined the need for an emotional attachment and then investment in each other over time.

Having started in that direction a lot of the rest of Professor Google’s answer involved how a couple becomes attracted to each other, initiates a romance or courtship, and how they, over time, develop a couple’s identity. Professor Google emphasized their need to merge their social circles and to develop interdependence.

Research assistant ChatGPT, however, approached the question from a more sociological perspective. He emphasized the need for an ongoing connection of two or more people and described relationships as being divided into at least five separate types.

Clearly, Mr. ChatGPT included as type 1 romantic relationships, but he went on to include familial, professional, and casual relationships.

Mr. ChatGPT emphasized as key elements of a relationship, there needed to be interactions that involve communication and shared experiences. He also emphasized the need for mutual recognition, that they both acknowledge that they were in a relationship and have some connections.

Using this broader multi-type blueprint for relationships results in including a lot of non-romantic and non-sexual relationships.

Mr. ChatGPT emphasized that they must have shared expectations about roles, boundaries, and behaviors which are continuing over time and are not brief.

Using this definition of a relationship minimizes the role of attraction in creating a relationship, it emphasizes shared goals and objectives.

I believe that while Mr. Google’s model allows for love at first sight and arranged marriages to be considered relationships, Mr. ChatGPT’s definition requires a more thoughtful and sequenced approach. In fact, Mr. ChatGPT states, “entering is a process, not a single step.” To meet these criteria, couples need to fully develop their connection before it meets the definition of a relationship.

Using Mr. ChatGPT’s definition requires that the parties involved, not necessarily a couple, possibly an entire group of people, need to have a continuing reason to keep the relationship going. This definition allows for a very simple soft ending when one person decides to leave the relationship. It even allows a large number of people to end their mutual relationship.

Tying this back to our discussion of transitions in life, we can see that getting into and out of a great many relationships outside the primary romantic or sexual relationship can be stressful events.

In future blog posts, I’ll talk about how starting and ending all sorts of relationships can involve difficult transitions.

If something I’ve said here rings a bell with you or interests you in any way, please leave a comment and feel free to ask me any questions. My best wishes to everyone, regardless of the direction your life is going right now. We can’t always pick the direction of life’s journey, but we can’t pick our approach to those changes.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Mental Health Monsters – Depression and Anxiety

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional monsters.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Has your life been a struggle with monsters?

As children, many of us had monsters in our closet. Some of you needed night lights or parents to turn on the light and check the closet for us. That light chased away the monsters.

But as we grew older some of us discovered we were locked in a struggle with real-life monsters, anxiety, depression, or another emotional problem.

Rather than fearing the monster under the bed or the one in our closet, we began to try to lock those monsters away in the closet. Slam the door on the depression or anxiety and pretend that if we don’t see that monster then he does not exist. Our family, friends, and society were more than willing to play along in this game.

So now older, we discover that the mental health monster has been living in the closets of our mind and all the while that depression monster, the anxiety monster, and maybe you addiction monster, they have all been growing, locked away in the closet.

So how, after all this time of pretending that you are not troubled by an emotional problem monster, do you open that closet and do battle with the creature that you wanted to deny?

Society has been a willing participant in this process of hiding the monsters of mental illness and emotional problems from us. If we pretend that depression does not walk among us, if we can laugh at the ravages of the anxiety monster then we can all feel safe from this gang of emotional problem monsters.

If you are going to fight the great fight against the gang of mental health monsters you will need a host of emotional tools, the weapons you will need to defeat the monsters of the mind.

Have you put together a toolkit that will help you in your struggle with those emotional monsters?

What tools work for you?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

I got lost again – inside my house

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

looking for directions.

Lost in Life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Wandering again.

Several times this last week I have gotten lost without even leaving my own house.  My roommate describes this as “wandering.” She tells me I wander around the house as if I am lost.

Truth is, I frequently am lost. I do not yet believe this is an organic problem. My doctor does not think I have any dementia – yet. Still, I am getting concerned.

Most of the time I can blame these failings on the doorway effect. I wrote a previous post about how we all experience this memory fault, or most of us do. We go to the kitchen and then can’t remember what we went in there for.

I would like to blame my wandering on doorways, but I know that this problem should resolve if I would just go back to my desk in the office at which point I would remember what I needed in the kitchen.

The problem has become more acute. I find that I have to go to the bathroom, the bedroom, and then the kitchen, and not only can I not remember what I was looking for I am not sure where I am supposed to be going.

What I find has been going on is that I am mentally working on what the next post will be and the result is that there is little or no unused memory capacity for remembering where I am going and why.

We used to call this absent-mindedness. Remember the absent-minded professor? College is out for the summer here and I will not be able to use that excuse again until fall.

I believe that I am suffering from another more insidious ailment.

I have un-mindfulness.

Some of you have heard of mindfulness trainings. The goal is to get you to be fully present in the moment. Experience what you are experiencing and thus remember what is happening to you.

My problem is precisely the opposite. I am consciously unmindful. Wherever I find myself I am thinking about something that is somewhere else. My brain is occupied thinking through the next post even while my bladder is urging a hasty trip to the bathroom.

The result of these mental conflicts is that I end up in the kitchen, not sure why I am here and having an overwhelming urge to urinate.

I trust there is a minimal connection between the kitchen and the urge to urinate.

I remember a teacher who used to urge me to “pay attention to what you are doing.” I do not remember which teacher that was as I was not particularly paying attention.

What I believe I need to do is take a few days off from writing posts and read one of these mindfulness books I bought a while back, if only I could remember where I had placed the mindfulness book.

Hope you enjoyed this post. For the record, it is not my intention to make fun of those with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Just having a little fun realizing that sometimes my mind is so occupied with things somewhere else that I forget to be mindful of where I am now and what I am supposed to be doing.

Learning to be more mindful is not the only self-improvement project on my schedule this year. Remind me to tell you about my experiences with stress reduction, meditation, exercise, and yoga class. I am also trying to simplify my life and cut down on all these activities that are taking up my free time.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel