Tag Archives: Resilience

How much should you tell a therapist?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Whispering secret

Keeping your secrets?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you wonder how much you should tell your therapist? What is it ok to talk about and what should you keep to yourself? Here are some guidelines.

1. The more you are able to talk about with your therapist the more likely the process is to help you.

If you feel the need to hold back on something you need to ask yourself why. Consider if this is something that might really affect your life or is it just embarrassing. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk with your counselor. They have probably heard it all before so they are not likely to be surprised. Their goal is or should be, to be helpful. They can’t really help you if you won’t tell them things that are bothering you.

2. Ask them about confidentiality

When you first came to meet the counselor they should have covered the rules and the limits of confidentiality. Some things are confidential, meaning the therapist won’t tell anyone else, some things are not. When you meet your counselor for the first time there is so much on your mind that you may not have understood it all. If you signed a copy of a confidentiality policy you should have received a copy. This is a part of the “informed consent” they are supposed to do. If you have any doubts about this ask them.

There are certain things that counselors can’t keep secret. By law, most counselors are required to report child abuse and the abuse of elderly or disabled people. If you have done something like that or know about someone who was abused, the counselor can help you by working on the reasons you acted that way. They should try to help you change. They can help you with the process of admitting what happened and helping the victim get treatment. If you were the victim of abuse when you were a child most counselors will not have to report that unless the abuser is still around and might be abusing someone else.

My suggestion to you is to ask the counselor about their procedures before you tell them something you might regret. This will give them a chance to explain the rules of their profession and the laws in their jurisdiction. Consider that even if there are consequences to you for telling it still may be worth doing. They say we are only as sick as our secrets.

If you are suicidal counselors are supposed to report this. Not to hurt you or take away your will but to try to save your life. Most times the client will report afterward that they were glad someone cared enough to prevent their suicide.

In most places, the relationship between a patient and their therapist is protected by law. So outside of specific things they must report, like child abuse, therapists are not supposed to disclose other things you talk about. They are not police investigators and they don’t have to report most crimes.

3. How much do you trust them?

The whole process of therapy depends on the trust between you and your counselor. Despite all the laws requiring therapists to keep things confidential, some people are not trustworthy. If you don’t feel you can trust your therapist– don’t tell them your secrets until you have resolved that issue. Now some of you have “trust issues.” You have trouble trusting anyone. Working with a counselor to learn to be more trusting should help that. So start by telling the counselor a small thing and see how that feels. You can work on the bigger things later on.

When I first started in this field I went to see a therapist. We are all supposed to have that experience if we want to understand how it feels for the client. The therapist should also work out their own issues in their own therapy, not in sessions with clients. I asked the therapist I was seeing if what we talked about was confidential. Their response was to ask me what I meant by confidential. They never did answer my question. So I avoided talking to that therapist about anything which might reflect on my future career. The lesson I learned was that if my therapist would not give me a straight answer to my questions I did not feel like trusting them. I make an effort to never do that to one of my clients.

P. S. I did eventually find someone I did trust to talk to about those issues and everything worked out just fine.

4. What is the consequence of this getting out?

If you might be embarrassed by a revelation say that you had a crush on some movie star when you were eight, even if the therapist did slip and tell your family you might be embarrassed, you might never trust that counselor again, but your life should not be ruined. If you cheated on your taxes or your wife and now feel guilty, having that revealed might be life-changing. Think long about telling your therapist where you buried the body unless you need them to help you confess that to the police and clear your soul. While therapists are not supposed to violate confidentiality and tell about client’s past crimes sometimes it happens. When this happens the therapist loses their license and the client gets to feel really happy about that the whole time they are in prison. Neither of those outcomes is what therapy is supposed to be about.

The point of requiring therapists to keep client’s secrets and to tell them upfront what will and won’t be kept secret is to make it possible for them to discuss their problems without fear of reading about their issues in the local paper. Without that level of trust, most therapy would not be helpful. This is similar to doctor-patient or lawyer-client privilege.

5. Who do they work for?

If you want your counselor to keep the secrets you tell them within legal limits, then you need to hire and pay them.
If you visit a court-appointed therapist or one at the school or CPS they are working for the agency that referred you. They may have a duty to tell the court, CPS, or the school what they think and what you said. They should be clear about this when you go to see them but if they are not – be careful and ask about confidentiality before you “spill the beans.”

6. Do they have a no secrets policy?

Some therapists, Marriage and Family Therapists, and those working with children may have a no secrets policy. When I work with a couple I don’t want to be working on saving the marriage if I know that one of the parties is having an affair. I might tell both parties that I can’t keep secrets from the other partner if we are to work on improving the relationship.

This is a big issue when we work with children. Some parents want us to find out all the kid’s secrets. This does not work. After we tell the parent the first secret the child decides to never be honest again. This may require some balancing.

If an eight-year-old tells me they snuck a sip of dad’s beer or took some cigarette from a store and tried one, I don’t feel the need to tell the parent. I want to find out why the kid is doing this and work on that issue. What if the kid is injecting heroin into his arm? I think I should tell the parent that. So if it is life-threatening I will tell the parent. I have covered this policy when I first start seeing the kid so he knows if it is life-threatening or really scary stuff I plan to help him tell his parent but I can’t keep that secret. I do say that little stuff, the kind of stuff most kids do. That can stay just between us.

So there you have some guidelines for what to share with your counselor and when. Hope that was helpful.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to spot a bad therapist

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What a therapist should not do.

Spotting a bad one of anything is the hard part. It may be harder with therapists than with other professions because of the confidentiality requirement. We aren’t supposed to tell you who comes to see us as that would violate their privacy. That makes it hard for you to check references. But there are some ways you can spot people who have broken the rules, violated codes of ethics and laws, and generally not behaved in a way that would make me want anyone I know to go see them. There are tell-tale signs that this person is not the counselor for you. It is not about the size or place of their office. There are some really great people who have their offices in poor parts of town. It is also not about the price they charge. We would all like to think that the person who charges more do so because they deserve it. That is not always true. And full-time people are no more reliable than part-timers when it comes to therapists. Many really good people work only part-time because they teach, have government jobs, or are semi-retired.

There are some things that should always make you suspicious if you see them. Here in California you can go to the Board of Behavioral Sciences website and check the status of anyone’s license. Many other states have license bureaus where you can check to see if the provider has ever had an action taken against their license. You need to be careful how you read the notations if the person’s intern number shows as “canceled’ which is probably a good thing. The intern number is canceled when they get a full unrestricted license. But if their license has ever been suspended or revoked you should check why.

Every month I get a magazine for therapists and in the middle, it has a list of all the professionals whose licenses have been suspended, revoked, etc. Here are the top things that therapists and counselors should not do but sometimes some of them do.

A therapist should never have sex with a client.

Does this sound odd? This is one of the top two reasons counselors lose their licenses. In California, we have a book that is titled “Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex.” We are supposed to keep that book with us and if a client ever says a past provider had a sexual relationship with them we give them that book. There is a fine if we don’t have the book. One reason that we are not supposed to get into romantic relationships with clients is that it is unfair to have them pour out their hearts to us and then use that information to get them into bed. When you go to a counselor you are looking for an independent person. If you have ever been or think you might be involved with them romantically that is not the professional for you. It is wise to keep friendships and therapy relationships separate also. Friends can’t always tell you the truth about things. Your therapist should.

You can’t help people if you need help.

Impaired therapists especially those who abuse alcohol and drugs are in no position to help anyone else. Now I believe in recovery. People with mental, emotional or substance abuse problems can recover, and recovered people can make excellent counselors. But no one can be fully helpful when they are impaired themselves. Some professions let people who are arrested for bad behavior go back to work right away. A professional counselor or therapist will be required to get help for themselves before they can return to work. Usually, there will be a waiting period before the start back to seeing clients and they may have to have a supervisor checking their work.

If you have bipolar disorder a professional who has the disorder also may be uniquely qualified to understand what you are going through and to help you. You just need to be sure they have found the solution to the problem and are functioning well themselves. You won’t always know this. Substance abuse counselors are much more likely to self-disclose that they are in recovery than mental health counselors. I am suggesting here that you interview the therapist as much as they should interview you. How comfortable do you feel that this person is the person to help you? Do, for sure give it and yourself a chance. It is not helpful to bounce from therapist to therapist. But if you get one of those gut feelings that this is not the person for you, I think you should listen to that feeling.

How much can you be honest with the person you owe money to?

No counselor should ever borrow money from a client. It is considered unethical and probably illegal most of the time. Run from anyone who suggests that and if the therapist talks about their money problems, this is a bad sign. In fact, any time you feel like part of your therapy session was spent on the counselor’s problem this is a bad sign.

They shouldn’t be in the business of lending money either. This is really bad. It makes you indebted to them and distorts the relationship. Counseling is all about the relationship. So anything that takes the focus off working with you on your problem and puts that focus on the counselor should make you wary. This is not what is supposed to be going on here.

This also means that you need to pay as you go. Running up a big bill with your counselor makes them start thinking about the money you owe and not about helping you. If you find it hard to pay, discuss this with them, and work out a solution. Don’t just let it go.

Bosses and therapists don’t mix.

Don’t go to work for your therapist. Trading stuff for therapy is also risky as it sets up a situation for one of you to be unhappy. Most codes of ethics tell us that we should not have any other relationship with our clients that the professional one. There may be some distant relationships like living in the same town or shopping in the same grocery store, but close relationships with your counselor are always problematic.

This boss and therapist relationship is especially problematic if you work in a place that employs therapists. It is a bad idea to talk to the therapist who works in the office next to you over lunch. Do you really want everyone at work to know your marital problems? So if you need help pick someone outside your normal sphere of activity and plan to pay them and thereby keep the relationship strictly professional.

So there you have it, four rules to help you spot a counselor or therapist that is not right for you. In other posts, I have and will talk about the positive things to look for in picking a professional.

Some people think that any licensed person has been “checked out” somehow. Not exactly. They have met some minimum requirements, but other professionals do not go to see them anonymously and check them out. So should you run into a professional that is not behaving legally or ethically it is up to you to avoid that person?

Hope some of these thoughts are helpful. Till next time here is wishing you a happy life.

For more on this subject see:

5 Rules for Picking the Right Therapist

What to do if Therapy is not helping

Reasons Counselors and Therapists lose licenses

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The ambulance at the corner

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Hospital emergency.

Ambulance.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

The ambulance at the corner.

There was an ambulance at the corner this morning. I almost missed it, but I had to stop for the light. I glanced over to see what they were doing. The light might change at any moment.

There was a homeless man I had seen at that corner before. The brick wall by the gas station shielded him from view. I saw his shopping cart on the sidewalk. The ambulance was parked just beyond. That nameless homeless person was motionless on his blanket, there on the sidewalk with the EMT’s all around.

There was a woman standing nearby holding the leash to her dog. She was staring at the homeless man, lying there so still. We don’t see a lot of homeless people in this part of town. Down on the south side, we see them, but not out north. Lately the homeless are coming farther north, or did he use to live here. Are people up north starting to be homeless also?

While I watched the paramedics rolled the man over. He didn’t seem to move. I wondered was he dead, was he unconscious? Maybe he was mentally ill. Most of the street people are mentally ill. Maybe he was a drug addict, lots of them are homeless. Maybe he was both mentally ill and homeless – or not.

A house near me is vacant. They lost it to foreclosure. This used to be a good neighborhood, middle class, and full of promise, now there are more for sale signs than residents. There are also lots of houses that sit empty, we all know they have been empty for a very long time, just the banks haven’t put the for sale signs, the “someone’s dreams died here” sign, on them yet.

Maybe that homeless man with the shopping cart was the man who used to live on the corner. His house went into foreclosure. Then his wife and kids left, gone to live with her parents. They said he drank a lot and then he was gone.

So I wondered who this unmoving man was by the corner. Why did he go to sleep on the sidewalk last night? Did he die of an overdose or of exposure? Was he just unconscious? They should try to revive him so he could – So he could what, come back to sleep behind the brick wall by the corner?

I have to hold on to hope. Somehow we will find a way to help those who are homeless, those who are addicted, those whose mental illness has taken them from family and friends.  But the hope seems fainter now, looking at that man lying on the sidewalk as I wonder what in his life went wrong.

It would be reassuring to think that being homeless and sleeping on the sidewalk only happens to bad people, people who deserve it. But I know from my own experiences that bad things sometimes happen to people who work hard and try their best. If only I could say he deserved his fate I might not feel so afraid and venerable.

Why do the homeless seem so old, so old and young? Living on the street ages you. I know that. And there are more seniors who can’t pay their bills now. Why didn’t someone help him?  But I know that there is less money now for any sort of help for people, less than we used to have. We needed the tax cuts for businesses to create jobs and now there is less money for people who don’t work.

Is all that stuff on my shopping list really that important? Do we really need more stuff? What does it say about me that I live in a society that appears to values things more than people? Did some abstract thing called a recession cause this or was it a bursting housing bubble that was the cause? Or did this happen because I and people like me stopped caring about other people? I wondered what I should do.

And then the light changed.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

It’s not all in my head

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

It’s not all in my head.

You have a headache, stomach ache, or pains here and there in your body. You go to your doctor and they poke and prod and run tests. They can’t find anything. So they refer you to a specialist or another doctor for a second opinion. Maybe you repeat this process a few times. Eventually one of these medical professionals suggests you see, maybe even makes a referral to, a psychiatrist, physiologist, or therapist. You are angry, maybe even furious. You know it is not all in your head. You are right; it is not all in your head, but seeing a mental health professional may help.

The connection between mental and physical pain is not all that neatly compartmentalized. Your thinking and your body are not two separate things. Your “brain” and the nerve cells in it are not all stored in your head. Did you know you have nerve cells everywhere in your body and they are all connected to your brain? Yes, there are nerve cells that surround your stomach and digestive tract. So the brain in your head influences the “brain” in your gut and vice versa. When your digestion is out of whack it affects your mood. Your mood also affects your digestion. This is not just some “mental” problem, your thoughts and feelings can create a very real pain in your body.

Your body also hugely impacts your mental states. Every therapist in training is taught that before we can diagnose a “mental illness” we need to be sure that the client has seen a doctor and that any medical issues have been ruled out or are being treated. Many doctors have observed that patients who have positive mental attitudes are more likely to benefit from medical treatment. Talk therapy started with doctors who also worked with their patients on emotional problems. Today, as doctors have more and more to do that practice of working on emotions, has largely been assumed by therapists and counselors. One new trend is returning counseling and therapy to the primary care, medical setting. This is not just some way to increase medical billing. The two disciplines are being recombined because it improves care and may make you well faster.

Many treatments for depression involve taking care of yourself physically. One symptom of depression is a loss of energy. Other symptoms are changes in sleep and appetite.  One treatment for depression is taking better care of yourself physically. Walking and other physical exercises can improve your mood. Getting more sleep and eating better can also improve mood.

Improving your mood and thinking can improve your physical performance. Many athletes see therapists to help them work on the mental part of their game. Improvements in sleep and eating improve all kinds of things in a person’s mental state.

So is that positive thinking stuff all a “mind trick?” Not at all. Studies have shown that the placebo effect is a real thing, not an illusion. If we give you a medication, your brain chemistry might change. This became the basis for the idea that mental illness was a “chemical imbalance.” Then some researchers tried another approach. When you give some people the real drug and some people a placebo, a sugar pill for example, and then you draw brain fluid something interesting happens, the brain chemistry of both changes. So the fact that people think that they are getting an effective medication by itself changes their brain chemistry.

Researchers know about this and they compare the results of the placebo with the real drug. To be effective the drug should produce a much larger change than the placebo. But what is interesting to me as a therapist is how much of a change can be created in someone physically by a change in the way they are thinking.

There are other connections between the physical body and the mental state. Kids who are sick, colds, and flu, for example, are much more likely to be grouchy and irritable. Kids who are coming down with an illness are more likely to get in trouble. But the reverse, in my experience, appears to be true also. People who are stressed, anxious, or depressed are much more likely to come down with a physical illness.

So if your medical professional has suggested you see someone in the mental health field, please don’t take this as a brush-off or a lack of interest in your problem. Professional athletes still have coaches. So if your medical professional has suggested you see a counselor or therapist, please consider it. The help of a good counselor or life coach may be just what you need to combine with your medical treatment to finally get those physical problems under control.

A big thank you to all of you who have commented on this blog or emailed me off the blog. I appreciate all your comments. I can’t offer comments or advice on your specific problem. This blog is not meant as treatment. I started this blog to offer my opinion on current issues in mental health treatment. Sometimes a comment will get me thinking and when possible I will answer it with a general information post on the topic you suggest. I am also interested in hearing what you are experiencing and what information might be helpful.

Till next time here is hoping you have a happy life. David Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to spot a bad therapist

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What a therapist should not do

Spotting a bad one of anything is the hard part. It may be harder with therapists than with other professions because of the confidentiality requirement. We aren’t supposed to tell you who comes to see us as that would violate their privacy. That makes it hard for you to check references. But there are some ways you can spot people who have broken the rules, violated codes of ethics and laws, and generally not behaved in a way that would make me want anyone I know to go see them.

There are tell-tale signs that this person is not the counselor for you. It is not about the size or place of their office. There are some really great people who have their offices in poor parts of town. It is also not about the price they charge. We would all like to think that the person who charges more does so because they deserve it. That is not always true. And full-time people are no more reliable than part-timers when it comes to therapists. Many really good people work only part-time because they teach, have government jobs, or are semi-retired.

There are some things that should always make you suspicious if you see them. Here in California you can go to the Board of Behavioral Sciences website and check the status of anyone’s license. Many other states have license bureaus where you can check to see if the provider has ever had an action taken against their license. You need to be careful how you read the notations if the person’s intern number shows as “canceled’ which is probably a good thing. The intern number is canceled when they get a full unrestricted license. But if their license has ever been suspended or revoked you should check why.

Every month I get a magazine for therapists and in the middle, it has a list of all the professionals whose licenses have been suspended, revoked, etc. Here are the top things that therapists and counselors should not do but sometimes some of them do.

A therapist should never have sex with a client.

Does this sound odd? This is one of the top two reasons counselors lose their licenses. In California, we have a book that is titled “Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex.” We are supposed to keep that book with us and if a client ever says a past provider had a sexual relationship with them we give them that book. There is a fine if we don’t have the book. One reason that we are not supposed to get into romantic relationships with clients is that it is unfair to have them pour out their hearts to us and then use that information to get them into bed. When you go to a counselor you are looking for an independent person. If you have ever been or think you might be involved with them romantically that is not the professional for you. It is wise to keep friendships and therapy relationships separate also. Friends can’t always tell you the truth about things. Your therapist should.

You can’t help people if you need help.

Impaired therapists especially those who abuse alcohol and drugs are in no position to help anyone else. Now I believe in recovery. People with mental, emotional or substance abuse problems can recover, and recovered people can make excellent counselors. But no one can be fully helpful when they are impaired themselves. Some professions let people who are arrested for bad behavior go back to work right away. A professional counselor or therapist will be required to get help for themselves before they can return to work. Usually, there will be a waiting period before the start back to seeing clients and they may have to have a supervisor checking their work.

If you have bipolar disorder a professional who has the disorder also may be uniquely qualified to understand what you are going through and to help you. You just need to be sure they have found the solution to the problem and are functioning well themselves. You won’t always know this. Substance abuse counselors are much more likely to self-disclose that they are in recovery than mental health counselors. I am suggesting here that you interview the therapist as much as they should interview you. How comfortable do you feel that this person is the person to help you? Do, for sure give it and yourself a chance. It is not helpful to bounce from therapist to therapist. But if you get one of those gut feelings that this is not the person for you, I think you should listen to that feeling.

How much can you be honest with the person you owe money to?

No counselor should ever borrow money from a client. It is considered unethical and probably illegal most of the time. Run from anyone who suggests that and if the therapist talks about their money problems, this is a bad sign. In fact, any time you feel like part of your therapy session was spent on the counselor’s problem this is a bad sign.

They shouldn’t be in the business of lending money either. This is really bad. It makes you indebted to them and distorts the relationship. Counseling is all about the relationship. So anything that takes the focus off working with you on your problem and puts that focus on the counselor, be wary. This is not what is supposed to be going on here.

This also means that you need to pay as you go. Running up a big bill with your counselor makes them start thinking about the money you owe and not about helping you. If you find it hard to pay, discuss this with them, and work out a solution. Don’t just let it go.

Bosses and therapists don’t mix.

Don’t go to work for your therapist. Trading stuff for therapy is also risky as it sets up a situation for one of you to be unhappy. Most codes of ethics tell us that we should not have any other relationship with our clients that the professional one. There may be some distant relationships like living in the same town or shopping in the same grocery store, but close relationships with your counselor are always problematic.

This boss and therapist relationship is especially problematic if you work in a place that employs therapists. It is a bad idea to talk to the therapist who works in the office next to you over lunch. Do you really want everyone at work to know your marital problems? So if you need help pick someone outside your normal sphere of activity and plan to pay them and thereby keep the relationship strictly professional.

So there you have it, four rules to help you spot a counselor or therapist that is not right for you. In other posts, I have and will talk about the positive things to look for in picking a professional.

Some people think that any licensed person has been “checked out” somehow. Not exactly. They have met some minimum requirements but other professionals do not go to see them anonymously and check them out. So, should you run into a professional that is not behaving legally or ethically it is up to you to avoid that person.

Hope some of these thoughts are helpful. Till next time here is wishing you a happy life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Finding happiness or misery

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Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

You get what you look for. Sounds simple, but this basic principle has a huge impact on how happy we are. Take two couples one happy and the other miserable – what is the difference?

Couple one, let’s call then Bob and Sue, for no particular reason. Bob complains that Sue nags him. She never likes the tie he wears. Nothing he ever does is good enough. Sue is sure that Bob doesn’t love her. He never wants to spend time with her. He is always too busy with his job and his studies for his night class to spend time with her. Sue says the only time Bob does things around the house is when she nags him, he always puts off taking the garbage out until the last possible moment. She has to keep at him because he will put off taking out the trash until bedtime if she doesn’t keep on him.

The couple next door, let’s call them Juan and Ann, again for no special reason. Juan says he is so happy in his relationship. Ann is always trying to be helpful. She wants him to be successful and look his best. She is so helpful; she even makes suggestions for which tie will make him look his best. Ann tells me she is so happy to be with Juan. He works so hard to provide for the family. He is even taking a night class to help improve their income. Juan is so helpful around the house, Ann says, sometimes she has to remind him because he is so busy, but he always gets the trash out before he goes to bed.

Now Bob and Sue are sure that their neighbors are very nosy, always minding other people’s business. When the family came to visit that old busybody across the street came over and demanded to know who was there. Sometimes that woman brings over food in an effort to get into the house and spy on them. They have had to tell the neighbors several times to mind their own business. This town is so hostile. The other day one of the people up the street followed Sue all over the grocery store.

Juan and Ann report they feel so safe in their neighborhood. They have a neighborhood watch. One time when Ann’s parents came for a visit, Mrs. Smith across the street came over to check who was going into their house. She almost called the police on Ann’s family. Mrs. Smith brought over a cake she had baked for the family to enjoy. Ann and Juan feel so safe knowing that the people on their street will keep an eye on their house when they are not home. It is such a friendly town. Last week they went shopping and ran into Mrs. Smith in the market. She was going one way and Ann was going the other, they must have run into her ten times that day. They had a good laugh that they just couldn’t stay away from each other.

Why is the experience of these two couples, who live just a few houses apart so different? One couple loves their town and their marriage and the other is miserable. Two important happy life principles are at work here. First, the happy couple has a happy positive belief about the way they are, the way the world is, and how the future will turn out. This illustrates the principle that beliefs about things, not the things themselves create our feelings. But no matter what you believe, life experiences will impact your beliefs and feelings. Both couples have a bias in their thinking.

We call this bias confirmatory bias. If you think your spouse is uncaring or lazy you will watch the things they do and pick out the things that confirm your belief as proof you were right. It is a natural human tendency to look for things that will make us right and to ignore or discard the things that might force us to change our minds.

Happy couples see things their partner does and interpret them as positive. Unhappy couples can find plenty of proof that their partner is unloving and uncaring. Now we know there are bad relationships and uncaring or dishonest people out there. But if you enter a relationship expecting your partner to make you happy they are likely to. If you go into a relationship with the expectation your partner will mistreat you then you will find lots of “proof” for that also.

Much of our news fits this pattern also. Two people hear the same economic report, one sees things in the report to say that the economy is improving; the other person sees things to prove that the economy is getting worse.  Political speeches and debates especially demonstrate this principle. If you are strongly in favor of a candidate you will think they made a great speech. If you dislike that same candidate you will find something in the speech to seize upon and “prove” that person is unfit for public office. If you are wrong about a candidate for office you can complain about them until the next election. If you live with someone it is a bigger problem.

Sometimes it pays to challenge those beliefs. Is your spouse really being uncaring or unloving or do you look for the faults and miss the positive things they really did do for you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Two kinds of fear

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fear.

Fear.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Underneath many of life’s problems is an ancient enemy – fear.

It is at the bottom of most negative emotions, the ones that infect our lives and undermine our happiness. Fear is at the bottom of anxiety, depression, and the problems of daily living that keep knocking us off the road to happiness. Whatever disguise fears are wearing, we each have our own special boogeyman, there seem to be two primary species of fear. This is not a new idea, I heard it a long time ago in a self-help meeting, but the more I have thought about it, the truer it seems to me.

We are usually either afraid of not getting something we want or afraid of losing something we have.

Most often we are afraid of not getting something we want. The fear that you will not get your needs or desires met is a powerful one. Unfortunately the more we have the more we need.

Think about stalkers here. They become obsessed with wanting someone, usually someone that is out of reach. I know there are stories about someone who pursued a romantic interest over a long time and much difficulty and in the end, the relationship happened. But once your intended romantic partner has gotten married, had children, and gotten a restraining order against you, it is time to give it up.

Some people try so hard for a particular job only to fall into a deep depression when it doesn’t come through. Wanting a career is wonderful. Pursuing your dream is great. But what will happen if that doesn’t pan out? You might be surprised at how many kids tell me they plan to go into major league sports. Most don’t make it. Some can’t make it and it ruins their whole life. What is really sad is when they become so fearful about failure that they self-sabotage and destroy their chances.

Ever hear the story of – well the name doesn’t matter – He was so sure his girlfriend was going to break up with him that he broke up with her first. Do you ever do that? Let your fear get control of you and destroy your chances before they began?

Therapists see some very sad cases of this fear. We see people who are not happy when alone, jump into a relationship because they are afraid that they will never be happy without a partner. Often they settle for a partner, any partner, and a relationship that is far short of what they wanted or deserved. Not surprisingly, to their counselor, they find that their partner is not happy either. Two unhappy people rarely make a happy relationship.

The second big cause of fear: We can be so in fear of losing something we have we forget to notice what we do have.

We old people have trouble keeping up. Two kids are sitting on a bench, each busily texting, neither one is speaking. I look over their shoulders. What could be so engrossing they don’t have time to talk? They are texting each other. I remember a time when my grandparents got a phone. Not everyone in the town had one. They felt lucky to be one of the first families to have one. I see a teen come into the psychiatric hospital, she cut her wrists, her parents had taken away her cell phone and she felt she had nothing to live for.

An old saying, only the rocks, and the hills are forever. Today with strip mining that may not be true. But we can get so into fear of losing something we miss out on the joy of having it. Remember in a hundred years not very many people, maybe no one will remember. For everything we have, we probably gave up something else that could have been.

Yes eventually that old car of yours, the one you saved to buy, it will break down. Keep it in the garage and never drive it and it will not get wrecked until your descendants take it out and drive it if it still runs then.

So have your fears controlled you? Do you fear you won’t get something you want and does that lead to anger, depression, or anxiety? Is that fear keeping you from trying?

Do you fear losing something so much that you can’t enjoy what you have? Is it time to challenge your fears? Don’t let fear keep you from having a happy life.

More on this is at 2 large reasons for your fear and Anxiety

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should you be happy?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you comfortable feeling happy?

There are lots of articles on the net and lots of blog posts about depression and anxiety, but not much being written these days about being happy. We can’t blame those people who are focused on their depression or anxiety for this state of affairs.

If you ask people what makes them happy, many people can’t answer that question. Most people have never even thought about what might make them happy. In therapy sessions, I often ask people to describe some basic emotions, things like happy, sad, afraid, or mad. Most people in crisis can’t tell what makes them feel the way they do. They just know they are in pain and turmoil.

When I ask them what would make them happy, they often sit and look at me for a long time without an answer. The question stumps them. They have never considered just what it would take to make them happy. Usually, the pain is so acute that just ending the pain is all they can think about.

Loss of pleasure is one of the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, that I know. Yes, sure, in my practice I work with many people who are so depressed or anxious that they can’t even think about happiness just now. What surprises me the most is that most of them have never stopped to think about what it would take to make them happy.  Many times they are not even sure they should be happy. What would you say if I asked you that question?

Do you deserve to be happy?

There are those people who hold the religious view that the time on earth is a trial and they expect to suffer. They tell me they expect to suffer. Unfortunately, they frequently mean that they want everyone else to suffer. I see their kids in therapy after the kid has given up on life and wants to die. Please, if suffering makes you happy, try to do it in a joyous manner and let those around you have the happy life they deserve.

Now I know there are lots of challenges in this world. There are families that live in poverty.  There are single parents struggling to provide for their families on one low paying income. Families have sick children. Sometimes one or both parents are ill. Sometimes awful things happen to these people. Some people suffer horrifically.

The surprise here is that sometimes in two houses, side by side, both undergoing hardships, one family is happy and the other is miserable. Why?

How is it that some people can go through life’s trials and still values their existence while another person will suffer terribly?

One major difference between those who walk through a trial and continue to be happy and those who are overwhelmed is the mental attitude they have. I know that this is so easy to say and so very hard to do. Fortunately, there are people who are willing to help you change your view of the world if you are willing to change. I am not just talking about professional counselors and therapists here, though that is their job in my opinion. There are also self-help groups, books, and support systems of friends. The key is to be willing to give up our attachment to suffering and to embrace the idea that it is possible to have a happy life.

There are at least three things that can move you towards a happy life.

1. Give up the notion that you need to suffer and embrace the idea that it is possible for you to be happy and that you deserve this happiness not because of what you do or have but simply because you are the one unique you. Embrace the quest for a happy life. A happy life is not all about pleasure. Drugs and things are not likely to make you happy.

2. Change your thinking. Most of us have a whole pack of must’s, should’s, and have-to’s that we hold onto. Being able to let go of things and move on is critical.

3. Nurture your resilience, that ability to bounce back. This is a real life. It has its ups and downs. I can guarantee that things will happen to you that you will not like. But then if you keep on track those good things will happen also. So if you keep looking at the failures you will grow them. Learn from life’s trials but grow from them also.

You and I both know that if you are down right now all this is hard to do. When you lose your job, end a relationship, become homeless, or are struggling with sickness it is easy to get down and depressed. It is easy to get into fear and worry. Look for help. Find someone that you can talk to that will understand and support you.

In future blog posts, I want to talk to you about all these issues and many more. As our country struggles with a great economic illness we seem to have neglected the mental and emotional health of our people. Do all you can to fight mental and emotional illness by carving out all the happy life you can. And share that happiness. Happiness shared is not diminished it is multiplied.

See also:

Finding happiness

How to be happy

Buying happiness

13 ways to make yourself miserable

Till next time. Wishing you the happy life you deserve.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Side Effects

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs.

Drugs.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

What about those drug side effects.

The other night as I was walking by the Television in the family room I heard a frightening commercial in which they described a long list of possible side effects for a medication they were advertising. This experience combined two things that I try to avoid, television and commercials that interrupt my train of thought. Fortunately, I recovered enough from the trauma to start thinking about what they were portraying in their commercial. Here they had paired a positive commercial with a quick legal disclaimer of all kinds of possible side effects.  They also had a “call to action” saying “ask your doctor” if you should be taking our med.

With that graphic warning would anyone buy this medication? Then it occurred to me that yes indeed people were buying the med despite some pretty extreme side effects. I won’t give the name of the med but here is what I remember of the list of side effects. Remember I was walking by the family room when I heard this so I may have gotten some of these side effects wrong.

This med may cause sexual impotence, sudden death, and the loss of body parts, presumably because after taking this drug sometimes arms and legs or other members fall off. It also has caused blindness, deafness, and loss of memory. These side effects alone caught my attention, though the list was considerably longer. Could any possible benefit outweigh a side effect like death and impotence?

This drug was not a warning for some illegal drug. I know that people might take a drug that causes their teeth to fall out and their skin to develop scabs along with the loss of home and family. Illegal drugs like Methamphetamine result in these kinds of effects all the time. But why do legally prescribed drugs have so many terrible side effects and get prescribed anyway? Here are some thoughts about how side effects are discovered and what the risks are.

Let’s say for example sake that a company approached the college where I teach and offered the students a chance to test some new drugs that had been shown in lab tests to increase concentration and intelligence. Set aside for a second the ethical issues about should we do this test and let’s say that someone thinks that testing this drug is worth the ethical risks. Maybe it also prevents cancer. So we do the test.

There are two things we want to know. Does it work? Is it safe? For the does it work issue we want to know if it improves test scores and makes students more alert in class. For the “is it safe issue” we want to know if there are side effects, like death, that outweigh the benefits.  So we do two things, we give some students one drug and the rest another drug. Preferably we make them look-alike so no one knows who is taking which drug. An even better procedure might be to make up a third test group that gets a pill with no drug in it. During the test we also want students to record any health problems they develop.

So if we test these drugs on thousands of students what might happen? During the course of the test could any students have nights where they could not sleep? Sure. Would other students have a night where they were so tired they fell asleep early? Some of the students would gain weight during the semester and some might lose weight. There might be people who got constipated or who got diarrhea. Some students would also catch colds and flu during the test.

At this point we might have a list of side effects that reads like this:

May cause insomnia or drowsiness

May cause constipation or diarrhea

May cause weight gain or loss

May cause repertory symptoms

Now we need to check a few things. Did one drug produce more of any one side effect than the other? Even more importantly how did the side effects of the two active drugs compare to the side effects reported by people who were taking the inactive pill?

So in considering whether to take a drug and run the risk of the side effects, you also need to know how much the drug increases the risk over the risk from not taking the drug.  So rather than relying on what you hear about a drug’s side effects on a brief commercial or even by reading about side effects on blogs of people who have taken that drug you also need to discuss the risks and benefits with your doctor.

Sometimes people tune out the warnings about side effects thinking that the benefit is so great that they are willing to run some risks. We all like to think that bad things won’t happen to us. If you want to be an informed consumer it pays to consider the risks also.

In my thinking, you need to balance the risks and the benefits and your doctor can help you do this. Getting two minutes extra sleep a night may not be worth the risk of a sudden heart attack. Some people avoid psychiatric medication because of weight gain, but the risk of the weight gain, even if you end up with diabetes may be worth it if the med keeps you out of the psychiatric hospital and lets you have a life. Don’t be scared off from a potentially helpful medication by the list of side effects, but please, do discuss the med with your doctor and decide if the risks are worth the benefits for you.

And do I need to say this? Don’t ever take a med that was not prescribed for you!

Till next time, wishing you a happy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Rewards gone wild

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Need to change

Time for you to make a change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Changing others part 3.

By David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Sometimes positive reinforcement goes wild. Instead of increasing desirable positive behaviors, positive reinforcement incorrectly applied can create more negative behaviors. Let’s look at some examples.

It is Super Bowl Sunday. Dad wants to watch the game. The kids who are bored to death start getting loud and thrashing around. Dad decides to get this to stop and gives the kids some money and sends them to the store. They don’t interrupt the big game. But then over time, something begins to happen. Dad notices that now every time he wants to watch a game on T. V., the kids get loud and rambunctious. He brings them to the therapist because they are “disrespectful.” What has gone wrong?

It is way too easy to positively reinforce bad behavior. Once you reward bad behavior it begins to expand. Often we do this without noticing that this is what we have done.

Another example. The child, in the store, begins to wine. Mom is getting tired and so she decides she has had enough. She leaves the store and goes home. The problem of whiny kid solved, for now. But over the years mom notices she has a very whiny kid. She can no longer go anywhere the child does not want to go or the whining begins. Another example of how a quick response to a misbehaving child can result in positively reinforcing bad behavior.

A more adult example. Dad can’t find his keys. He is late for work. He begins to swear and yell. Mom goes running and helps dad find the keys. Problem solved for today. But over time if mom runs every time dad is frustrated and yells, dad will yell and swear more. Mom is unknowingly training dad to yell and swear. Sometimes these cases end up in counseling. More of them should. After a while, we start to believe that it is others that are making us mad and of course when mad we should vent our frustration. Anger management classes which include cognitive-behavioral methods may be needed to break the cycle of anger, yelling, and swear words.

But it can get worse. Even if you do not reinforce bad behavior in your child other people may. I worked with one client who had older sisters. They lived in a poor part of town where there were lots of gangs. They used to dress their little brother up as a gang banger. At three it looked “cute” when he reached thirteen and became a real gang banger they were surprised. They shouldn’t have been. They had positively reinforced his looking like and acting like a gang member so much it was natural for him to become one.

This is one reason it worries me when people dress little girls in sexy or “trampy” outfits. Then when she gets to be a teen they try to clamp down on her clothes and behavior. She has been so thoroughly positively reinforced for acting in a sexualized manner why would she change? Besides she is not home now for you to change her behavior. She is out on an overnight date with that “cute” gang banger.

But other people, sometimes with good intentions, also undo our efforts to help children. A child who is shy and feels lonely often begins to avoid others and hide in the corner. So all the staff starts going over to talk to the child. Soon the child is getting lots of attention, which is what the child wanted. So does the child come out of their shell and start being less shy? Not on your life. All that attention for the “shy behaviors” was so completely positively reinforced that the shyness increases.  The right approach would have been for all staff to have watched the child and when they looked over to smile. Positively reinforce any outgoing behavior no matter how small and it might increase. But one staff member can unintentionally undo the work of all the others. So in the home how often do family members, knowingly or unintentionally undo the change efforts of the rest of the family?

It is very important that all the adults in a child’s life be on the same page when it comes to behavior modification. It is also important to be consistent.

Here is hoping that this series is helping you in your efforts to change both yourself and those around you. More to come.

For more on the process of change see the blog post series “Stages of Change”

There is also a series of posts on helping others change, under the heading of “Changing Others.” and “Creating the Change you need.”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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