Author Archives: David Joel Miller

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About David Joel Miller

David Miller is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Counselor, faculty member at a local college, certified trainer and writer.

Addiction, substance use disorder or chemical dependency

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs of addiction

Addiction.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is the difference between addiction and chemical dependency?

A lot of different terms are applied to the usage of substances and problems that arise when people begin to experience difficulties with their use.

Various professions use different terminology to describe the same or similar problems and we don’t all use the same severity points to identify problems.

One way of understanding these differences is to think of substance use as being on a continuum. Let’s start with something most people are familiar with, alcohol use, and then add various drugs to the picture.

Alcohol use might range from no use to chronic daily drinking to the point of passing out. Fully 50% of the people in the U. S, who are old enough to drink, did not have a drink in the last 30 days. Clearly not everyone drinks and among those who do, not everyone has a problem.

Heavy Drinkers.

At the other end of the scale, the 10% heaviest drinkers consume 60% of all the alcohol drunk. The top 20% heaviest drinkers consume 80% of the alcohol sold in America. People at the high end of the drinking scale develop more and more serious alcohol use problems than those who consume less.

Among those who do drink, some people have one or two drinks on a special occasion such as a wedding or New Years’. People who drink at this level rarely have any problems. It is possible however to drink only once a year on New Year’s and end up drunk every time resulting in DUI’s or arrests.

The labels that will be attached to the person as their consumption of alcohol increases and problems begin to arise will vary with the profession and the reason the person is being given the label.

The person who has one drink and no ill effects would be considered by most of us an alcohol user but nothing more. The person who only drinks occasionally but when they drink has problems might be thought of as abusing alcohol.

The chemically dependent.

The medical profession often has special units which are called “Chemical Dependency units.” The people who reach these units have the most severe form of substance use disorder. They have reached the point of physical dependence on their drug of choice. Those who are chemically dependent on alcohol are at risk to die during withdrawal.

If someone has ever had a stroke, seizure, or experienced the D.T,s if there are any hallucinations occurring when the level of alcohol in this person’s bloodstream begins to drop, this person is at high medical risk and should be detoxed in a hospital or other medically managed facility. People can and do die from alcohol withdrawal.

People who are chemical dependent on other drugs may have severe physical withdrawal symptoms. The heroin or opioid user, for example, will have diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, shakes, and goosebumps. The withdrawals from opiates may feel like the person will die but deaths from opiate withdrawals are rarer than from alcohol. Overdose deaths are another issue.

Short of physical withdrawal is a form of substance use disorder that is called Substance Dependence. Clearly, not all cravings for a drug of choice are the result of physical withdrawal.

Someone goes through a 30-day treatment program, they have not used for over a month but the day they are discharged they use again. The craving is not a result of physical or chemical dependency but is a psychological need. Therapists would diagnose this as Substance Dependency. For the Therapist, this would include both physical and psychological dependency.

Alcoholism and addiction.

Twelve-step programs draw a different distinction. They would call this problem use of substances, addiction, or alcoholism. This addiction level of problem use may be reached even before psychological dependency has occurred. Addiction may begin at the point of wanting, craving, and thinking about the drug of choice even before the person has lost the ability to control usage. If you are struggling to control your usage then you have already reached a point of problem usage and probably would fit the description of an alcoholic or addict.

Substance abuse.

The lowest level of problem use would be referred to as substance abuse. This might be binge drinking, drinking more than planned or doing something dangerous after having consumed alcohol or another drug. The person who has a few too many drinks and then drives may be abusing alcohol but may not yet have developed alcoholism.

If this alcohol abuser can realize they have a problem and stop drinking to excess, they may be able to stop their progression to alcohol dependence, alcoholism, or chemical dependency.

Substance use disorder makes its debut.

The newer trend, now reflected in the DSM-5, is to avoid making fine distinctions between substance abuse, dependency, addiction, and chemical dependency and call all problem relationships with drugs including alcohol simply a substance use disorder.

Substance use disorder can come in mild, moderate, or severe forms.

Wherever the substance use disorder starts, it needs treatment long before it becomes an addiction or chemical dependency.

Whatever happens (It has happened with the DSM-5 and the new OCD-10 as of 10/1/15) with the DSM-5, expect the various professions and the recovery community to cling to their own special perspectives and their preferred terminology.

Did that explanation help with understanding the differences between Substance use, abuse, dependency, addiction, alcoholism, and chemical dependency?

Best wishes on your journey towards a happy life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What will the therapist tell me about trust? Trust issues

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Trust.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

What if I tell my therapist that I have trust issues?

Here is what I tell clients with trust issues. I am not too sure just what others may say and would encourage both professionals and clients to leave comments about trust issues.

1. Trust is not an all or nothing thing.

The mistake we often make is we either trust too much, trust completely, or do not trust at all. There are plenty of friends that I trust, mostly, with some things, but I do not trust every friend from work with the pin number to my ATM.

Many people who say that they have trust issues have a habit of jumping into a relationship without getting to know the other person, and then when they are let down, they feel this person is not to be trusted.

This pattern of moving into over-close and trusting relationships too quickly sets you up when the other person is unwilling or unable to meet your expectations.

Be sure in getting into a relationship, any relationship, and that includes friendships, that you take the time to get to know the other person, and find how much you can trust them and about what subjects.

This does not mean that you need to eliminate everyone from your life that you are not able to trust completely 100%. If you cut all the people, who are less than total trustworthy you may find yourself very alone. There are days I don’t even trust myself completely, but I like being with me anyway.

2. People who tell you things may believe them.

People say things, they think they are true but what they say may still be wrong. People often say that others have lied to them and as a result, they can’t trust anyone. This often happens when someone in a new relationship repeats things that others have told them. They believe what they say, and they may just be trying to be helpful but if the “facts” they have repeated turn out to not be true the other person who acted on the basis of those facts is likely to feel cheated or deceived.

Consider that the person telling you this may be wrong or mistaken and check the facts before you take action based on what someone else has told you.

3. Counseling is a corrective emotional experience.

For this relationship, to be helpful, you need to be able to trust the counselor. If you don’t, you need to look at why you are having difficulty trusting. Remember that no matter how much you trust that professional there are limits to what secrets they can keep. If you tell them you plan to kill someone they will not keep your secret. If you talk about child abuse, they will probably be required to tell that also.

Trust in this, and any other relationship should build over time based on how the other person handles the things you tell them.

4. Remember that people, even professionals can make mistakes.

Generally, professionals are “trustworthy, ” but occasionally we find one that is not. They may take unfair advantage of you. Take your time to get to know them and then make your judgment about how much you can trust them and with what.

This extends to friends and relatives also. We often have competing loyalties. Withholding facts from one friend can seem like dishonesty. Telling that person can violate the trust of another person. In romantic relationships, we tend to trust a lot when we want things to work. Later when the relationship goes sour, and that partner tells someone else our secrets we will feel betrayed and that our trust has been violated.

5. Most people have trust issues for good reasons.

The reason you have trust issues may well be that you trusted someone too much in the past and they let you down. If you have an experience in life of having your trust betrayed it is reasonable and normal to have trust issues with that and related issues in the future.

Remember that some people make a habit out of lying. They get what they want by not telling the truth. People in an active addiction get their needs met by misleading others. Sometimes the person you believed has lied so much it has become automatic behavior.

Consider who you are trusting and do they deserve your trust. Especially be cautious if this person has violated the trust of others in the past. What makes you expect to be the one person that they tell the truth to?

6. People who are not trustworthy often find it hard to trust others.

The person who tells me they are suspicious that their partner is cheating and who wants me to find out what others in their family are up to is often the person who has cheated or has done other things they do not want the family to know about.

If you are dishonest, it makes it harder for you to trust others.

Build your ability to trust by following these simple rules.

1. Pick people who are generally trustworthy.

2. Get to know them and build trust with them gradually watching what they do with little secrets before disclosing larger ones.

3. Make sure you are trustworthy. The old saying goes it is hard to con an honest person. Liars set themselves up to be deceived.

4. Make sure you are able to trust yourself most of the time. When you let yourself down be quick to forgive.

Here is hoping that you are able to overcome your “trust issues” and begin to trust yourself and others in appropriate ways.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Steps to become a Substance Abuse Counselor.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you become a drug counselor?

What are the typical steps someone takes to become a substance abuse or Alcohol and Other Drug (AOD) Counselor?

The profession of substance abuse counselor is in flux.  There is a large chance that this path will change in the future and it can be different in one jurisdiction than in another part of the country.

Substance Abuse Counselors follow a different path than Social Workers, Professional Clinical Counselors or Marriage, and Family Therapist largely because their profession stems from different roots. Substance Abuse Counselors have been recognized as a professional discipline relatively recently.

The professions involved in psychotherapy have a hundred-year head start on the newer profession of substance abuse counseling.

Psychotherapy stems from the medical profession. The founders are MD’s like Freud and Jung. Psychiatrists are trained as MD’s first and then trained in mental health second. Psychologists have Doctorate degrees (Ph.D. or PsyD) involving at least 8 years of college. Licensed Counselors and Marriage and Family Therapists all have master’s degrees requiring, in most cases, 6 years of college education.

Social workers come from a slightly different origin. They began with “friendly visitors.” Their background is in welfare, social work, and providing aid and assistance. Most licensed social workers have master’s degrees (6 years of college) though some entry-level positions can be gotten with a 4-year degree. I expect that the term “social worker” in the future may be restricted to those with a degree in social work or possible to those with a master’s degree. Just working in a social work agency should not make you a “Social Worker.”

Substance Abuse Counselors come from a different world. Most substance abuse professionals have what we call “lived experiences” meaning they or someone close to them is in recovery. They have lived through the process of addiction and recovery and from first-hand experience, they know the difference between the disease of addiction and the life of recovery.

Most recovering people are suspicious of those counselors who learned about addiction or recovery from a textbook rather than from firsthand experience. We know of course that a doctor does not have to have personally had all the diseases he treats in order to be a superior physician. We wonder though why someone would choose to be a substance abuse counselor whose life has not been touched in some way by addiction, especially when we realize that substance abuse professionals often make less than their counterparts in other related fields.

Recently we have moved from, everyone who works in a recovery facility having lived experience only, to require that they also have some training in counseling, the disease of addiction, and the laws and regulations that involve counseling.

As more funding has been provided by the government for substance abuse treatment, society has asked, and rightfully so, what are the qualifications of those who do the counseling and what results are we getting for our money? The result of these questions has been to increase the qualifications needed to become a substance abuse professional.

Different jurisdictions have moved in different directions and things continue to change.

Some states or areas have instituted a form of licensing for substance abuse counselors. This has been resisted by longer established professions. The argument runs that it is confusing to the public when to be a psychotherapist or clinical counselor it requires 6 to 8 years of college, but the AOD counselor has a much lesser requirement. How comparable is a substance abuse counselor who has no education or only a few hours of training and should they get to use the term “licensed counselor?” Does the public understand that someone with a substance abuse counseling license has much less education than a licensed mental health counselor?

California so far has not seen fit to license substance abuse counselors. Here we have a system of registration and certification. The state does not so far register or certify AOD professionals. AOD counselors register with an organization and then complete supervised hours and an exam to become certified. How many hours of education and experience can vary dramatically from one registry to another.

Registered and certified counselors are not, at this point, allowed to set up private practices but must work for a licensed facility. Facilities are licensed by the state but this does not ensure any particular level of staff training other than a percentage of counselors must be registered or certified by some of the many registries that have gotten themselves listed with the state.

Under this system it is possible for a non-licensed person to open a facility and get that facility licensed, thereafter then can work as a registered person in their own facility. In fairness, it should be mentioned that most drug treatment facilities are operated by nonprofit companies.

Over time, of course, these regulations continue to increase the required skills and experience needed to become an AOD counselor.

So the path to becoming an AOD counselor requires, some level of knowledge and interest to begin with, usually by lived experience, some course of education which can vary anywhere from a weekend training to a 36 unit college certificate. And some number of hours of experience followed by a certification exam. In practice not all AOD counselors are equally trained.

If this is a profession you wish to pursue, I recommend that you check the most recent regulations in the jurisdiction in which you live. Consider also what the job prospects and pay scale is for this occupation in your area. And also look at how portable will your credential be if you chose to move. Some registrations or certifications are transferable and some are not.

Increasingly professionals in the substance abuse counseling field are continuing their education to the master’s level so that they are qualified to work not only with substance abuse disorders but in the area of mental health and co-occurring disorders.

Thanks to the readers who sent in this question. Best wishes on creating your happy life.

David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why does the Earth need a day?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Earth.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Which Celestial Bodies get a day and which don’t?

Today my calendar reports that this is earth day. I have some very mixed feelings about this day.

First is just the idea that the earth, home to all us humans, as far as I know, gets this one day a year. Why an earth day and then why only once a year.

The sun gets one day a week called Sunday. But poor old Mother Earth, just one day a year. Granted without the sun we would not be able to hang in here on planet earth very long, still, why do we not give the earth equal billing and add an eighth day each week just devoted to Mother Earth?

The moon also has its day called Monday. Like the Sun our moon gets one day a week. Not Mother Earth, she gets only one day and that is poorly observed. We do special things every week on Sunday and for most of us we return to our regular employment on Monday but what if anything special do we do on Earth Day?

Which also raises the question of why is Earth Day written that way and not as Earthday as in Sunday and Monday?

Why do only the celestial bodies in our immediate neighborhood get a day? Do Mars and Saturn get their own special days? What about Pluto, I always liked him, he should get a day even if there is some question about his membership in the planet club.

Further consideration – is Earth Day a happy occurrence? Given the state of our planet, this day does not seem to be anything to celebrate. The ice is melting, the air is polluted and there is more and more debris and destruction.

You would think that after all the time we humans have been on this earth we would have reached some sort of peace treaty with Mother Earth. What we have done to her, all in the name of progress has been nothing short of appalling.

In any contest between mother earth, I as a hopeless human, tend to come down on the side of the humans. But all in all most of our efforts to improve the earth, tame her, and put her to the use of humans, have not worked out anywhere near the way we planned this.

Most of our improvements have left us coming up short on things we used to have. The forest we cut down has created less oxygen for us to breathe and more dust bowls. Those mines that brought us minerals to improve our lives, some of them left toxic wastes that render that old mountain uninhabitable. We also have discovered that our activities can give us all sorts of toxins and new diseases.

On the whole, our efforts to improve Mother Earth seem to be backfiring.

Our relationship with Mother Earth seems to have taken a turn for the worse. We are acting like a pack of descendants gone to stay with grandma for the holidays; we eat her food, trash her house, and treat her with great disrespect. At this point in the visit, grandma is hoping we will all pack up and go home.

I am thinking that when we have eaten Mother Earth out of house and home when we have so polluted the earth and depleted her resources, she may not be sorry to see us go.

You would think that after all this time of living off Mother Earth’s bounty we would behave better and treat her hospitality like we appreciated it.

One thing is clear, Mother Earth will be here still spinning on her axis and making trips around the sun long after we humans have vanished from the scene.

So if you find a forest you particularly love, cut it down to make paper so we can write books in praise of the vanishing forest. Let’s build as many buildings as possible even if they fall down and decay in the next few years. We need to give Mother Earth some things to work on fixing after we are all long gone.

Someone told me that Mother Earth only invented humans because she wanted a way to make Styrofoam. That may be true because our synthetics will surely outlast all of us.

Hope you are having a happy Earth Day and that you are finding that happiness does not come from what you have or own but from who you are on the inside.

Thanks for listening to me.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are we in the middle of a spiritual famine?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Religion

Religious cemetery.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is there a Higher Power shortage?

Recently I have been struck by the number of people who sit down with me to talk about their mental and emotional problems who say they are spiritual but can’t describe themselves as a member of any particular religion.

These clients know that they need some spiritual help, they often have some sort of general idea of a God or higher power that they feel could be particularly helpful to them, but they find no way to connect that belief in a higher power with any particular religious practice.

We know that for recovering people having a strong support system a key ingredient in their recovery. I suspect that having that resource is helpful in keeping other people mentally healthy also. But repeatedly I hear that despite multiple tries these folk are not getting their spiritual needs met at any particular religious organization.

As a professional, I try to not take sides in any religious controversies. It is not my place to tell you what you should believe. I find that having that spiritual belief, so long as it is helpful to you and does not encourage you to harm yourself or others, can be of great benefit to most everyone.

One question on the assessment form we use asks about the client having a particular religious or spiritual connection. Most clients can’t answer this one.

One common saying in recovery is that if you hang out in a barbershop you will get a haircut. We know this also applies to bars and crack houses, not getting a haircut there, but drinking and using drugs. So it makes sense that attending some sort of religious institution should help connect you with other supportive people who are working on their relationship with their higher power.

In trying to help clients find that support system, I often ask what religious or spiritual group they might choose to affiliate with. The suggestion here is that attending a particular church, temple, mosque, coven or what have you, might connect them with other people with similar spiritual beliefs. I make these suggestions despite my sometimes having personal misgivings about the particular religious group they have been affiliated with in the past.

A very large percentage of these folks report that they have tried and are unable to find a religious group that meets their spiritual needs.

It is not just my clients that have this problem. This situation is not unique to those who are in recovery from mental or emotional problems. It is not a special issue for just those who use or abuse drugs and alcohol. Nationwide surveys indicate that the number of people who report being spiritual rather than religious has been rising and in some surveys, those who describe themselves as spiritual rather than religious exceed those who have a particular religious affiliation.

It has been suggested that this move away from God and organized religion is the result of secular materialism and our modern culture. I find that hard to believe. Most of my clients have tried that culture of things and drugs, found it wanting, and are searching for some spiritual values.

There is a spiritual hunger that is not getting fed. This hunger is approaching famine stage.

One reason for this spiritual hunger is that the food being offered in so many religious institutions has spoiled.

We do not need to pick on any particular religion to see the effects of this spiritual spoilage.

Christian groups splitter and hate each other. Wars occur because of doctrinal differences. The Protestants fight the Catholics and then they fight each other. The Muslims divide up into Sunni and Shiite and they then bomb and kill each other.

Clearly these religions Gods are grumpy cantankerous, constipated old men who hate anyone who does not wear the right clothing and join the correct political party.

Too many of my clients have been harmed by someone under the guise of being the servant of some particular God. When I suggest taking the family to church the client may confide in me about being sexually or physically abused by a religious leader. They are afraid to leave their child alone with a religious leader.

They may have been told repeatedly that they are worthless and will never be of any value if they do not do the work prescribed by their religious leader. Once convinced you will never be satisfactory in your god’s eyes, you eventually give up trying. We call this learned helplessness.

When someone says they are an alcoholic I give thanks, I know where to send them. They will find a spiritual tradition and people who will accept them at an A.A. meeting. Drug addicts have N. A. I feel sorry for those who are merely depressed or anxious. I am not sure where to send them.

I find it hard to make religious referrals. Most places of worship do not want my clients. They dress funny, they have used drugs and some of them are mentally ill. Not many religions want those people around.

Where am I to send Mary Ann or Mary Sue? Churches do not want prostitutes or psychotic people coming to services. I am not sure I could make a referral for Mary Magdalena or even Jesus these days.

I am even worried about Mohammed if he were to return. If I send him to the wrong mosque will he die again, this time in a bombing?

Despite a church, mosque, or other religious institution on almost every corner, the spiritual famine continues. My only hope is that God is not restricted to doing business in a particular building and that spirituality can work anywhere.

So if your higher power has let you down consider a new search for a spiritual power and a spiritual home that can help you find that happy life you deserve.

For more on this topic take a look at a previous post here on counselorssoapbox.com about how to hire a God that is up to the task you need him for.

Wishing you the best on your road to a happy life

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What if your Therapist loses their cool?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What should you do if the therapist loses their cool with you in the session?

It was interesting to me that more than one search term included this idea of a counselor or therapist losing their composure with a client. Here are some basic thoughts.

Counselors like clients are people and sometimes they do things they later wish they hadn’t done. The way this gets handled depends on how far off the track the counselor has gotten.

Sometimes it’s the counselor that is inappropriate, sometimes it is the client.

If the counselor feels their buttons getting pushed, they are getting upset; this is most likely about the counselor. We, professionals, are all taught that in those situations we should get counseling for our issues, talk with our supervisor, or do other things to work on ourselves. What we should not do is take our problems out on the client. If we are unable to deal with our stuff and work with this client we owe it to the client to transfer them to someone who can.

Sometimes this thing that is upsetting us can be useful material for the counseling session. One way your therapist might handle this is to tell you that what you are doing or saying is getting them upset and then ask you “Do other people in your life also get upset when you do this?” This approach can be useful to the client to let them see how their behavior and statements are affecting others around them.

Talking about this issue is only useful before the counselor loses their cool.

If the counselor gets physical with the client and the client has not been physical first, that is not OK.  Counselors can be disciplined or even lose their licenses for acting inappropriately with clients. Yelling, cursing and other hurtful statements and behaviors are also not acceptable. These things are rare, or so I would like to believe, but yes they can happen.

Both parties in the relationship should always feel safe. If the counselor feels physically threatened then there needs to be some intervention to make them feel safe. Sometimes there is just a bad fit between the two people and the relationship needs to be changed.

The results of counseling are almost exclusively dependent on the relationship between the counselor and the client. Anything that damages this relationship harms the client’s progress. Counselors sometimes need to balance the need to maintain a helpful relationship with the need to tell the client the truth about how the things they say and do are affecting others.

Occasionally the counselor has done nothing wrong but the client does not like hearing what the counselor says and they become threatening or even physically violent.

Having an emotional or mental illness is no excuse for acting out and becoming physical with someone. If the client does that then the counselor may need to call the police and have that client arrested. We don’t like to do that, we use all our skills to de-escalate the situation and prevent the need for law enforcement, but sometimes it has to be done.

So if you have been in a situation with a professional who lost their cool with you, think carefully about was this about you or about them. If it was about you, while the behavior was not OK you can learn from it. If it was about them then it is probably time to change counselors.

If the prospect of changing providers is overwhelming take a look at a previous post here on counselorssoapbox.com where I talked about how to fire a counselor.

If this provider is not meeting your needs, is making you worse instead of better, you need to advocate for yourself and find someone who can help you.

Here is hoping that this helps those of you who feel that your clinician has lost their cool with you. If this has happened to you and you can share the event without harm to you consider telling the rest of us about your experience and how you have resolved this or are trying to resolve it.

Here is wishing you a speedy recovery and a happy life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do you fire a psychologist or counselor?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is it hard to say goodbye to your therapist?

There are several reasons you should say goodbye to a counselor and a few reasons you shouldn’t  Let’s look at these reasons first and then the how second.

Times you should stop seeing the therapist

1. If you have made the progress you need to make.

In managed care, we draw up a treatment plan. The goal is not a complete elimination of the symptoms. That would keep even normal humans in treatment forever. The goal of treatment should be to reduce the symptoms to a manageable level and to teach the client to be able to manage those symptoms in the future.

If your symptoms are under control and you feel you have the tools to live life without staying in therapy, you may be ready to move on. Ending this episode of therapy does not mean that you will never return to therapy with this or another counselor. It means that right now you don’t have a need to keep going to therapy.

2. If you are making NO progress.

Ethically a counselor should stop seeing you and refer you to someone else if they can’t help you. Sometimes we counselors want so much to be helpful it is hard to see when we are not the one that can help this client.

You’re bringing up the idea of ending therapy may come as a relief for your counselor who has been trying to think of a good way to tell you that you need to see someone else. Therapists do not want to abandon clients in need and it is hard for them to stop trying.

Sometimes a self-help group, peer counseling, or a friend support system is what you need just now.

Reasons you shouldn’t stop seeing this counselor

1. It is getting painful or difficult to talk about your problems.

Quitting therapy when the work gets hard or painful is a sure way to stay in your problem. When the work gets hard it is tempting to blame the therapist and change. It takes time for the new counselor to get to know you and you can put off really facing the issue for a while. This makes moving from one therapist to another tempting. Eventually, that issue will come up again and the pain is back.

Running from problems has kept a lot of people sick. Sometimes we use drugs and alcohol or romantic encounters. Other times people just change counselors. Either way, evading your issues will not get you better.

2. There will be negative consequences if you stop.

If you were court-ordered or need to complete the sessions to get your license back then stopping is a really bad idea.

If you are facing consequences as a result of stopping, think carefully before you do so. This probably means there are things about yourself you do not want to face.

How do you stop therapy?

There are oh so many ways but a few are more recommended than others. Counseling is all about the relationship and if you have been together with this counselor for any length of time you should have a good enough relationship to talk with them about this.

Most counseling relationships do not go one forever. Eventually, there will be a “termination stage,” to your counseling that involves the counselor preparing you to stop coming. If you bring this up the counselor should be willing to talk about where you are in the process, what else they think you need to accomplish and how you two will go about ending the counseling relationship.

If you have given this a try and the relationship is not working you owe it to yourself to tell the counselor that. Sometimes that discussion will result in taking a new approach and you will begin to make the progress you need to make.

With an independent private practice counselor, this can be as simple as saying no to another appointment and calling around to make an appointment elsewhere. If you have insurance that is paying for the treatment you should talk with your insurance provider about who else can see you and be prepared to give some reason why you need this change.

If you go to a large agency they may have rules and procedures for therapist changes. You need to ask how you go about doing this. While you may need to talk with a supervisor or administration about your desire to change you should always think of this as advocating for yourself and for the care you need.

If you find this especially difficult look for a case manager or patients advocate that can help you with the process.

Making progress in counseling is about finding a provider that you can develop a good working relationship with and then about doing work. Here is wishing you the best on your process of recovery.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Length of time together in failed relationships or marriages

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

How long do relationships last?

End of Marriage

How long before the relationship fails?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How long does it take for a relationship to fail?

We counselors and especially those of us that are Marriage and Family Therapists, see lots of relationships that are troubled and at risk of ending. Some marriage counselors take the approach that they are “divorce busters” and seek to keep a couple staying together at any cost.  There are counselors that will align with one or the other person in a relationship and encourage them to put themselves first and the relationship second.

Personally, I try to stay neutral and help the two individuals find the solution that is best for both of them.

What are some of the factors that keep people together in their primary relationship and what forces them apart? Much of this material comes from a researcher and presenter on couples issues named John Gottman.

1. What was their intention when they got together?

Couples get together for all the wrong reasons and stay together for bad reasons also. Many couples find that they like dating, sometimes all they were looking for was fun, a good time, or some casual sex. Once sex becomes part of the relationship it alters things, people who would have moved on and let that one go, they know they are not compatible, may stay together after they start having sex.

Being in a primary sexual relationship precludes finding someone else, at least someone for more than casual sex. No one likes falling in love with someone who is sleeping with another partner.

2. Everything changes with the pregnancy.

Pregnancy happens whether we plan on it or not. Sometimes birth control fails, sometimes we forget to use it, or over time it becomes less critical.

It is one relationship when it is all fun, dating, and having sex, but it is a whole other thing once the prospect of a child comes into things.  Someone who was good with a causal relationship before suddenly wants a commitment. After all, you are having a child together.

Whether the pregnancy is terminated or the decision is made to have the child everything is different after the pregnancy. Some couples decide to get married because of the pregnancy some do not. Either way, you and the relationship is changed forever.

It does not appear from my experience that the marriage license is the key factor here. The important thing is, does the couple decide that they want to be together as life partners, or are they only doing this because they are trapped by a pregnancy?

3. The first year after the birth of the first child can be traumatic.

Couples that are not married have a high risk of breaking up during that first year after the birth of the first child.

Couples that do get married still find the relationship changes, often in ways, they did not expect and want. It takes a lot of work to create and maintain a relationship after a child enters the picture, especially if a long-term relationship was not what you wanted in the first place.

4. How long did the couple know each other before they made the commitment?

Couples that have known each other, dated, and had common experiences, for two to five years before getting into a long-term relationship are more likely to have a successful relationship.

Couples who date only briefly sometimes workout, but they are at extra risk. In the early stages of a relationship, we all want to be liked and put our best foot forward. You can’t keep that appearance up forever and after a few years the real you and the real them leak out. Couples who move through the dating stage and establish a long-term relationship to rapidly often find they are in a relationship they wish they had not entered.

If you have been dating for over five years and are still not feeling ready to make a commitment to a long-term relationship, then there is something in your gut telling you this is not the right thing.

Sometimes our reluctance is about the other person and sometimes it is about us. We find that two emotionally unhealthy people do not make for a good relationship. If you have issues, you need to work on yourself before you get into a relationship.

That does not mean that if you suffer from a mental or emotional illness that you should not be in a relationship. What it does suggest is that you need to work on yourself and your recovery before entering that relationship. No one else can fix you. Recovery is an inside job.

5. Has there been a history of angry fights, abuse, or domestic violence?

Couples whose relationship is characterized by lots of fighting, little if any repair efforts and abuse and violence often end during the first five years. This bulge in failed relationships at five years is also influenced by substance abuse and other addictions.

6. Many marriages or long-term relationships fail at the 20 to the 25-year point.

These relationships stay together because of the children, the influence of family, or economic reasons. Then one day, often around the time that the oldest child is about to graduate from high school, the couple looks at each other and can’t remember why they liked each other in the first place.

These relationships do not fail because of anger or hatred, they just fizzle out. Suddenly one or both parties wake up and realize the feeling of love was lost a long time ago.

They have failed to maintain the relationship and now they have nothing in common.

7. Relationships that triangulate in a third-party or substance.

Added to these relationship issues is the ever-present possibility of affairs, emotional or sexual. Those relationships end because someone or something else pries one of the parties away from their primary relationship. One of the worst affairs is the drug-threesome caused by someone falling in love with a drug of choice and leaving their partner to follow that addiction.

There you have some of the more common reasons that relationships fail and people separate, break up, or divorce.

Breaking up is almost always painful, even when you know you want out. The trick is to learn to be happy as an individual and then that happiness has a chance of spilling over into the relationship.

Here is wishing you a happy life, with or without that romantic relationship.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Warning – 6 reasons what you learned may not be true!

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Truth or lie

Separating truth from lies is hard work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

6 Reasons why some of the things we learned turn out to not be true.

Turns out that a whole lot of what most of us think we know is not accurate. Some of this does not matter. But if you base your life on things that turn out to be wrong, you can be in a lot of hurts. If we got it wrong we may be teaching our children things that could hurt them. It pays to reexamine some of the things we think we know and see if we got it right.

Here are 6 reasons you may have gotten it wrong.

1. Parents are fallible.

Think back to the first lessons you learned in life. Did you learn a lot about life from your parent or caregiver?

Most of us have things tucked away in our brain, emotional learning, moral learning, and attitudes about life that we internalized at a very early point in our lives. Your parent may have told you wrong.

Not that they meant to lie. Back then they looked so big and strong and knowledgeable. For most kids, the adult that raised them looks like an all-powerful god. Then we get older and realize that this person does not know everything. We forget that much of our way of seeing the world was learned from that caregiver before we were able to judge if they had it right.

It continues to amaze me that humans have survived and prospered, more or less, on the earth. Consider that child production and rearing is mostly left to the youngest and least mature of our members. Think about those teen parents trying to raise children even before they have learned how to have a healthy relationship, get a job, and cope with life.

Is it any wonder that lots of what we learned, we learned from other children, even if they were our parents?

2. The person we learned from may have been wrong.

We all learned lots of lessons from our peers. Did you learn a lesson about how people are, how you should be on the playground, from another child in an early grade?

That first romantic partner, did you learn about life from someone who had little knowledge also? That 14-year-old girl with a 15-year-old boyfriend, did you learn about love and sex from them? How did they know? In those early relationships, that other partner can appear so adult and knowledgeable. Later we find, as we have more life experiences, that they knew no more than we did, they and we may have been making it up as we went along. Who wants to look ignorant with their lover?

3. Brain chemicals may have interfered with storing and retrieving memories.

Drugs and alcohol are significant culprits in this area. People under the influence have distortions in the way their memories are stored and retrieved. Drug and alcohol use has continued to creep down to younger and younger people. Children in elementary school are experimenting and using drugs on a regular basis.

Stress hormones also interfere with learning and memory. Prescription meds may or may not be needed but there is always that risk that prescribed medication will alter the experience. If you do not feel pain you are at increased risk to be injured. This applies to emotional as well as physical pain.

4. We may have been watching the wrong people for danger.

Many a child has been taught to avoid strangers and not talk to strangers. There is some truth to begin cautious around strangers. What we leave out is that the majority of abuse of children is perpetrated by close family members and friends.

Not every teacher or religious leader is a safe person. Every day we hear about children who were abused or molested, frequently by someone in a position of authority and trust.

If you learn an unrealistic view of the safety or danger of the world your future life experiences will be distorted. A child who is injured by someone they should have been able to trust will be affected for the rest of their life.

5. Even the best student does not get everything right.

For example, the top score in one class on a recent test was 80%, this is a passing score, maybe even a B in most classes. Now if that student teaches this material to a younger brother and that brother gets 80% of what he is taught he now has 64% correct

See how a small error gets rapidly compounded as the facts, almost correct, are repeated.

Consider the effect it may have had on you if someone you learned from had it mostly right but not completely. Then you learn most of what they taught you and now you are trying to pass this on.

This is a reason that we need to continue to check and recheck those things we think we know to see if they are really true.

6. The prevailing wisdom may be wrong.

Just because everyone says something is right, you see it on T. V. or in a movie, does not make that right.

Our media has made it look like the good guys go out and fight every day. Often they use guns and kill the bad guys. The result is a general tolerance for the use of violence to solve problems.

Would it surprise you to know that on some police forces the majority of officers go their whole careers, all the way to retirement, without ever having to discharge their gun in the line of duty?

People who get killed in their own home, they are often the victim of a family member or friend. It is not strangers breaking into your home that you should fear. It is your family member who knows where you keep the loaded gun.

Many of the things I learned as a child, that was thought to be absolutely the way things were, have since turned out to be wrong.

Even the flat earth society has suffered a decline in membership.

Consider these six reasons why things you learned may not be so and then continue to learn new lessons. Accurate knowledge helps make the journey along life’s road happier and more enjoyable.

If you have found other reasons that you have learned things that later turned out to not be true please leave a comment and share these with the rest of us.

Are you on the path to the happy life you deserve?

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Does your family know right from wrong? Moral Reasoning

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ethics

Ethical loopholes strangle.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How did those in your life learn right and wrong?

If you look around these days you start to wonder if anyone knows the difference between right and wrong. All-day and every night the media is full of stories about wrongdoing. Each successive incident seems to top the last for cruelty and wrongness. It would be easy to become pessimistic.

The optimist will point to any number of past incidents of wrongdoing and say we are making progress. There are laws designed to prevent wrongdoing on an individual level and more worldwide awareness that when something wrong occurs anywhere in the world it affects all of us.

Occasionally we see a young child who has done some great deed of kindness and at a tender age has an apparent grasp of right and wrong, but that is the exception and not the rule. There are always more stories about some youth who has done some unspeakable deed.

Think for a moment about how you learned right and wrong. Did you have to figure it out for yourself or did someone teach you? If someone taught you, who? Have you continued to accept everything they told you or did you ever question? If you have children how are they learning right and wrong, from you or from someone else?

How do people learn right from wrong and how might we increase the number of people who know the difference?

There appears to be a process that people need to go through to learn the difference between right and wrong. What they learn depends on the student, the teachers, and the way the lessons are presented.

Just because you act well around your children or your spouse does not mean that those family members will learn your understanding of right and wrong. There are lots of things that can interfere with the process of learning right from wrong.

First the process of learning right and wrong and then how it can go awry. In my life, plenty of people have tried to tell me the difference between right and wrong. Most times they did not agree and they have various formulas for determining the difference between these two options. A few people assert that there really is no difference, that truth and falsehood like right and wrong are all relative.

This relative position may have appeal as a philosophy, but it is not much help if you are being beaten, robbed, or raped or if your teen is standing before a judge charged with a felony.

The idea that people learn the skill of “moral reasoning” comes from the work of Lawrence Kohlberg. I was first exposed to this concept when I read Dr. Lakona’s book Raising Good Children. These steps or stages of moral reasoning are sometimes subdivided as they develop and change over time. I will summarize their ideas from memory so if errors creep in they are my errors.

A. Primitive right and wrong.

It is fair if I get what I want and not fair if I do not get what I want. The young child might say “It’s not fair I did not get a red one and I wanted a red one.” Fairness and right and wrong are all about getting what you want. Other people’s wishes do not enter the equations.

This approach is understandable in very young children and dictators of countries but we expect most other people to outgrow this way of seeing right and wrong. Our prisons and banks are full of people who do not appear to have outgrown this way of determining right and wrong.

B. You do for me and I will do for you.

In this version, we trade right and wrong. This comes from learning to share with siblings and playmates. So if you do something nice for me I owe you a good deed. If I do for you and you do not reciprocate then I can do whatever I want.

This stage of moral reason comes up sometimes in relationship or marriage counseling. One party believes they have been wronged by the other and therefore they are justified in doing something to hurt the other party.

People who stay stuck in this tit-for-tat stage of moral reasoning are destined to be disappointed and have a life full of conflict or they become a permanent victim as others let them down.

C. Mommy says.

Eventually, most people begin to resolve their moral dilemmas by resorting to authority’s opinions. At first, it may be mommy and then later it will become the teacher.

Plenty of people abrogate their need to determine right or wrong by following a leader and asserting that if the leader says it is right then they should know.

This faith in authority explains why people can be convinced to follow a leader and do horrific things because that leader told them it was the right thing to do. If that leader can convince you that God or correct politics is on his side then you might be convinced that killing others was a moral thing to do. Even if in the back of your mind you question this leader, the weight of others who follow the same leader will pressure you to adopt that leader’s version of right and wrong.

Peers are also authorities.

Somewhere in the adolescent years, our peers start having more influence on us than adults. If you join a gang, then their norms become your criteria for right and wrong. If you hang with drug addicts then you develop a “hustle” and stealing or other criminal activities stops being wrong and becomes acceptable.

In a previous post, I wrote about why trying to resist peer pressure is a choice doomed to failure and why sooner or later all humans give in to peer pressure or change their peers.

D. The rule or the law.

Many people come to believe in the rule of law. They memorize the law, regulation, or bylaws of an organization. Their appeal for right and wrong always goes to what the law says. People quote the constitution or other law as evidence for their belief in what is right and wrong. We have a supreme court to make just those fine distinctions as both sides in the argument can see how the law agrees with what they want the right and the wrong to be.

Others resort to a particular religious book, the Bible the Koran, or what have you. They are often adept at finding a verse to quote that establishes that they are correct in their view of right and wrong. As with other laws, these religious documents may also have other portions that lead to a different interpretation and there are religious wars a plenty over which religious book is the right one or the wrong one.

It is reassuring if you can find guidance in a book or law that eliminates the need to judge right and wrong but it does not always lead to a correct way of behaving.

E. Higher Values.

Beyond all these ways of separating right from wrong, there is in most of us a gut sense that regardless of what the authorities say, what our friends may tell us, or the holy book appears to be revealing, there is this fundamental thing that just does not feel right.

We have established by war crime trials, though some will disagree with this, that just because your party, leader, law, or religious book seems to sanction a practice there are some things that are inherently wrong and should not be done regardless of who says to do them.

Not everyone reaches or wants to reach this higher level of moral reasoning but it should be something that is encouraged if we want to avoid the excess of relying on leaders who might use their position, the law, or the religion, to justify doing fundamentally wrong things.

These are some thoughts about ways moral reasoning may develop. In a future post let’s look at the errors that may creep in along the way to better moral reasoning.

Here is wishing you the happy life you deserve. David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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