Category Archives: Relationships

Side effects by being impregnated by a Methcathinone user? – Morning Question #20

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Should you worry if you get pregnant by a Methcathinone user?

Anything that damages an egg or the sperm could result in birth defects, age, the physical health of either party, and so on. There is always a risk of spontaneous mutations and genetic damage. I have not seen much good research that indicates that one drug is better or worse than another when used by the father.

ANY drug use by the mother during pregnancy is risky. Sorry ladies. Doctors even take pregnant women off some prescribed medications. Alcohol is the biggest risk factor for preventable birth defects we know of. The only fully safe amount of alcohol a woman should consume during pregnancy is NONE!

If you are worried about the drug use of the father of your child you have more to worry about than possible birth defects. YOUR BABY’S DADDY MIGHT BE A DRUG ADDICT.

Pick your baby’s daddies and mamma’s wisely, you can break up with your partner but your child’s other parent is forever.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Criticizing, complaining and asking for change.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Talking to yourself

Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Criticizing, complaining, and asking for change.

Communication skills part 3.

When something bugs us what should we do? When we are unhappy we are likely to react in one of a very few ways. Will you say nothing, become angry, or take a middle road and try to talk about the issue?

Some people say nothing and suffer in silence. For those people, we recommend assertiveness training. If you do nothing about a problem then you become part of the mechanism perpetuation the problem not part of the solution.

Some people react to annoyances by becoming angry and acting out. Even if the violent approach works in the short run it is likely to result in long-term undesirable consequences. An excessive response to a problem may wind up in you having to do an Anger Management class, going to jail, or permanently damaging the relationship.

In between is the “let’s talk about it” approach. Some ways of talking with the other person are more effective than others.

Criticizing is not communication.

Criticizing is the method most often used and least likely to be helpful. This method attacks the other person. You call them names for not doing what you think they should. Statements get made like “you don’t respect me, you are a slob or other personal attacks.

Criticizing does not make any friends. When we are criticized we are likely to become defensive and reply with our list of all the things the other has done. Criticize someone too often and they may stop listening altogether.

Criticizing cuts off communication rather than improving it or getting things to change.

Complaining does not help communication.

Complaining involves talking about how the issue is affecting you.  While a slight improvement over criticizing it rarely gets anything to change.

This is a recurring behavior in work settings where people complain about how they have to too much to do and saying others do not help and so on. It can become the standard operating procedure in some settings.

People who work as professionals in a complaint department know, or should know, the importance of listening to the customer’s complaint. Until the person feels their complaint has been heard nothing much is likely to happen to resolve that complaint. But eventually, the process needs to move beyond complaining.

Some relationship skill building programs suggest combining the complaining behavior with the next step, problem-solving, or asking for change. While complaining may be a way to tell the other person what is upsetting you, moving to the next step and stating the specifics you want to change are most likely to improve the situation.

Asking for change improves communication.

Of all the ways of dealing with problems, this is the most likely to improve the situation despite seeming to be the hardest thing to do.

Use good problem-solving skills. Ask for change and stay on the problem and how to solve it. The greatest chance for improvement is to find a solution in which both parties win rather than a win-lose situation. There needs to be genuine two-way communication, hearing, and being heard.

Making things better.

Make sure that when you have a problem with another person that you avoid the name-calling and the personal attacks.

Clearly, state the problem as you see it. Ask for specific changes such as not interrupting you when you speak rather than global things like being nicer.

Listen while the other person describes how they see the problem. Work towards understanding their point of view. Look for a solution that meets both of your needs.

More on communication skills can be found at:

Communication is not what you think

Just Being Honest        

Criticism, complaining, asking for change.

How are your communication skills? Are you criticizing, complaining or asking for change?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Just being honest – 5 times telling the truth is a bad thing

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Telling the truth.

Truth.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Not all “truth” is created equal – Communication Skills part 2.

As children most of us were taught we should always tell the truth, even when we knew the adults around us were not being truthful. In relationship counseling, we spend a lot of time on communications but improving communication does not always improve the relationship.

People who say they are “just telling the truth” find that their relationships suffer. Truth and honesty can build trust in a relationship but there are times when telling the truth can be both harmful and misleading.

Some people can say the most hurtful things, only to excuse what they have said by reporting “I am just being truthful.” People who use the truth defense are usually not so very receptive to having their partner reply with similar truths.

While telling the truth is a very desirable characteristic here are sometimes when the truth may damage relationships and may not be the “whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

When your version of the truth is an exaggeration.

Common statements, especially during arguments are “You always – You never, you are totally.”

Categorical statements are rarely, if ever, true. This way of saying things is meant to put the other person down and is criticism for criticism’s sake.

Criticism is a way of being hurtful and may cause permanent damage to the relationship. You don’t get to do this and then play the “I was only being truthful” card.

When you say it out of anger the truth is you are angry.

Things said out of anger are meant to hurt. Even if you avoid the exaggeration trap you are likely to say things laced with sarcasm and personal attacks. “Truths,” said in anger, are going to damage not improve the relationship.

Having hurt the other person they have no incentive to work on changing anything. When you are saying things in anger you are lashing out not looking for constructive resolution. Even if the statements were true, when you are full of anger, this is not the time to have that frank talk.

The truth-telling was all about you.

Sometimes “being honest” is about pointing out all the possible flaws in the other person in order to make yourself feel better about you.

Being honest is one thing, but there is no reason to blurt out every single defect you see in the other person. No one needs or wants that much honesty all at once. Think about the purpose behind telling someone the things you see wrong with them.

Is your honesty really about helping them improve or is it coming from a place of selfishness on your part? Honesty like meals needs to be spaced out over time as the need arises.

If you really want to be helpful talk only about as much of the person’s faults as they are ready to hear. Be sure you are not just doing these things to make yourself feel superior.

If the Honesty talk is all about the other person’s faults and you are not ready to own any of the faults this is not real honesty.

You can’t sleep at night or have an emotional hangover after truth-telling.

If after a binge of “ruthless honesty” you find you are unable to sleep at night. If you are emotionally drained for a while after the conversation then you might be experiencing an emotional hangover.

Telling someone off, like drinking too much, may feel good at the time but it is likely to come with the cost of an emotional hangover.

If you find you regret what you have said after an episode of “being honest” You know that the reason is the damage that what you said has caused to the relationship.

Excess of negative emotions, especially anger and fear will lead you to do things while emotional that you may regret afterward.

“It was true” may be a defense in a court of law but it will not make for happy relationships.

The other person is not ready to hear it – you need to use compassion.

Yelling at the deaf and showing pictures to the blind don’t aid communication. Telling someone more truth than they are ready to hear is only going to harm your relationship.

If you really want to end the relationship you don’t need to catalog the other person’s faults to justify your decision.

Remember to practice your compassion skill first and the honesty will have a place to grow when needed.

More on communication skills can be found at:

Communication is not what you think

Just Being Honest        

Criticism, complaining, asking for change

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Communication is not what you think

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Talking to yourself

Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why communication is not getting you anywhere.

Ever feel like “We just can communicate?” Ever say that? The old standby in counseling, especially relationship counseling, is to teach people to be better communicators. Usually, the clients are disappointed with the results.

Everyone communicates all the time. If someone gives you the cold shoulder you know what that means, right? The stone wall and the icy silence speak more than words could ever say.

It really is impossible to not communicate. Most of us are pretty good at communicating angry, hurtful messages. It is the happy, helpful messages that get lost between people.

The problem lies in what people mean when they say they can’t communicate.

Most of the time people who say they can’t communicate mean one or more of the following things, sometimes all of them.

The other person does not do what you want them to.

Good communication does not mean the other person will give in and do what you want. Improving your communication skills will not suddenly have you winning all the arguments. What it might do is increase the chances you could have a discussion with the other person and you could find a solution to a problem that works for both of you.

If there are fundamental differences in what you want or believe, better communication is not likely to change one of you. What it will do is to help you understand why the other person thinks and feels the way they do. But after all that understanding you two may still not find a way to agree.

Religious differences are a common example of this. You may think communication about your beliefs will change the other person. Occasionally it does. Most of the time this conversation highlights how we put off these conversations as long as possible and then get disappointed when the other person does not come around to our way of thinking.

They don’t like the message they are receiving.

Lots of communication is sabotaged by having so many negative messages included in the communication no one in their right mind would want to listen to this conversation.

Verbally beating your partner up and then excusing that behavior in the name of “communicating” is guaranteed to result in more problems down the line. Just being Honest is no excuse for deliberately hurting someone else and it is not a communication style that is likely to improve a relationship.

Communication is all about the way in which we send and the other person understands the message. If there is an underlying message of “you are no good” or some other negative evaluation, improving communication will likely lead to a realization that the real problem is not the communication but the feelings behind it.

There are immense differences between Criticism, complaining, asking for change. If what you are hearing about yourself from the other person is hurtful, it is hard to hear much else.

They never hear anything good.

We tell parents that they need to “catch their children doing something right.” The principle applies to adults also.

If the only messages we hear are negative, we tune out. The surest way to reduce communication is to only communicate when there is a negative message. A constant stream of negative messages makes the other person stop trying. There is such a thing as “learned helplessness.” When you begin to think that no matter what you do it will never be good enough you stop trying.

Good communication includes small talk.

Human relationships are built by time together, positive time. It is not in the huge weighty matters that relationships are built but in the small day-to-day conversations where you come to know the other person.

Small talk is not a waste of time. It is one way to make relationships closer and more intimate. We grow fond of others not because they are of the correct political party or have the correct view of the world but because we share common interests.

Take time to talk about the colors and textures of life. The best communication comes when you are able to open yourself up and talk about who you really are as a person, way down inside.

Communicate to the other person that they are important enough for you to want to spend time with them. Try to do this without the distraction of other activities that need to be done. Make sure that your time together is not one where you divide your attention between the other person and the T. V. or a computer.

What do you think? As always comments are welcome. Look for more posts on communication and relationship skills in the near future.

More on communication skills can be found at:

Communication is not what you think

Just Being Honest 

Criticism, complaining, asking for change

How are your relationships, how are your communication skills, and for you are the two related?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

7 places to avoid when looking for dates – Dave’s Dating Tips

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

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Bad neighborhood.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Places you should never go to find a date

People with a mental health challenge or who are in recovery, want, and need a close loving relationship just as much as anyone else. Sometimes in our search for a close partner, we look in all the wrong places. Here are a few of the places clients told me they found dates that I need to warn you about.

When people are sick they tend to attract sick people. Now two people with disabilities can be a great match and a great support system for each other. Just makes sure you and your potential partner are headed in the direction of recovery, not continued sickness.

Here are 7 places to avoid when looking for dates. There are good places to look; only these are NOT those good places.

1. Do not hang out around the V. D. clinic waiting for the easy ones.

When you pick a partner you pick a set of problems, different partner different set of problems. Try to avoid partners with incurable diseases. Remember when you sleep with a partner you are sleeping with all their ex’s. People with a history of sexual problems are likely to continue to have those problems. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but is this one you want to take a chance on?

2. Avoid crack houses or bars

Lots of people with an alcoholic ex get a divorce, and then their friends take them out to celebrate at — you guessed it – a bar. They meet someone; fall in love, only to discover that the new partner is — an alcoholic. People active in their addiction don’t have a place in their life for a new healthy partner. They are looking for someone who will enable them to keep drinking and using. People with an addiction are likely to be found in their natural habitat.

3. Don’t wait outside prisons for people with gate money.

Now if this is your old man or old woman getting out, that might be an exception. People do change, but give them time to find a job and a place to live before you sign on to put money on their books the next time they are away.

4. Homeless shelters are not prime dating spots

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. People are ending up homeless that never thought they would, but if you are cruising this kind of place for a date what does that say about you? Does the word predator come to mind?

5. Don’t try to pick people up while at the psychiatric hospital

This is not the time or place to start a relationship. You both need to work on you. Actually, come to think of it I know some people who met in a psychiatric facility and made a go of the relationship, but they didn’t hook up on the first hospitalization. Work on getting better first.

6. Avoid people who left domestic violence court and can’t go home because of the restraining order.

Just like some people keep hooking up with alcoholics or drug addicts there are people who keep being attracted to the strong forceful type. Then they are surprised when the relationship turns violent. If you were abused as a child or are just out of an abusive relationship be especially alert for this type of repeating pattern.

7. Avoid people with a lot of babies daddies or babies mothers.

Be especially cautious if the person you meet seems to have more children’s parents than they have children. Can’t tell you exactly where to find this sort of person but you will know then when you see them because there are just so many places they can’t go for fear of running into an ex.

So there are Dave’s 7 places to avoid when looking for people to date. Any of you have any other places you would care to add to this list? Any of you that found a great place to meet people to date that actually worked out and you would care to share?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why Blaming, Scolding and Criticizing don’t work

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Why blaming, scolding, and criticizing don’t work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Ways to tame the blaming, scolding, and criticizing.

We all know someone who relies on these techniques and we know that these methods of communicating don’t make us want to do what they are asking. In many families, this becomes the primary way in which people communicate even when the person doing the blaming knows they don’t like the feeling of being on the receiving end of this sort of communication.

You can recognize someone doing these behaviors easily, but recognizing when you are doing them and changing to more effective behaviors takes some effort and practice. Responding to a scolder with scolding does not solve the problem. It only further escalates the conflict.

Blaming as communication.

Blaming is one of the three “communication stances” described by Virginia Satir, one of the founders of family therapy, and others of her colleagues. She describes people as communicating in three basic ways – Blaming, Placating, and congruent communications.

Blaming is the looking down on other’s stance, it includes all sorts of putting the person you are talking to down and making them “less than.”

Placating communication scrambles the message.

Placating might be described as the “victim stance.” We see puppies take this stance when they roll over and expose their bellies. Children will cower when yelled at. Placating says I give in. It says nothing about agreeing.

Congruent communication.

Congruent communication is the preferred mode in which people talk to each other as equals. Congruent communication does not look for whose fault it is that things are out of whack. the goal here is understanding.

Criticizing sabotages communication.

Criticizing has been described as attacking the person, not the action you want to change. Scolding includes a range of behaviors, verbal and physical that is designed to make the person being scolded “smaller” and the scolder feels more powerful and in control.

Some authors have suggested there is a difference between “complaining” in which you ask for a change and “criticizing” in which you just run the other person down in an effort to get revenge. One way to become more aware of these behaviors is to actually practice them until you recognize when you are doing them. Ben Furman has described some of these behaviors related to scolding. Done as a group activity the behaviors can be exaggerated until they become downright funny.

Here are the things a good blamer, scolder, and criticizer should be able to do automatically.

1. Tower over the person to be upbraided.

Parents have a natural advantage here. They are taller to start with. But if the person you are trying to demean is near your size, wait till they are seated and then pulling yourself up as much as possible and crowd in close so they can’t get up. In a pinch, a ladder or standing on a chair might help.

2. Stick your finger in their face.

This gesture, the universal sign of I am right and you are no good works, best if the finger motion includes several wags. Practice the up-down pound them into the ground move and the left-right “bad dog” move.

3. Leave no doubt that they are totally worthless.

Use plenty of words that leave no room for them to ever make it up to you or redeem themselves. You never, you always and other categorical statements should prove their worthlessness.

4. Demean their intelligence.

Statements like “anyone with half a brain would know” are especially good. Remind them they are dumb, stupid and that they have none of that rare commodity “common sense.” It helps to remind them how much common sense you have.

5. Ask questions for which there are no answers.

Don’t you understand that—?

Why did you do that?

6. Call them names.

Calling the person you are talking to “stupid” or “idiot” is sure to get a dramatic response out of the person you are talking at. Not a positive response necessarily, but a huge response none the less.

7. Be as vague as possible.

Never ask specifically for what you want and if by some chance they should request a clarification fall back on the old standbys “you know what I mean” or “If I have to explain it, you wouldn’t understand anyway.”

8. When all else fails try threatening.

Remind your children that if they don’t start doing as you tell them you will ground them for life. Threatening to take away the cell phone till they turn thirty can be especially ineffective. Make threats as large, outlandish, and impossible as you can. No sense in threatening with something you might actually be able to do.

Now should you want to really communicate in a positive way, which may be harder and require more work, then reverse the process and do the opposite of the things described above.

There you have it, 8 suggestions for becoming really good at Blaming, Scolding and Criticizing, and one antidote for poor communication.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do you develop a support system?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Supporters

Support system.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

5 tips for developing a support system.

In the early stage of recovery developing a support system can be a challenge. We all know we need someone to support us, but who and how do we enlist their support? Let’s start with a description of a person in recovery from alcoholism and then expanded the description to other forms of recovery.

Newcomers in A.A. are encouraged to find a sponsor. It can be embarrassing to ask someone you hardly know to sponsor you. This relationship needs to be a good fit. The sponsor should be someone who has something in the way of recovery to offer and someone you feel comfortable in discussing your life with. They should also be someone you can trust to tell you the truth.

Have you ever done anything to help someone else? Let’s say you did something to help a child or an elderly person, how did that feel? Did it feel good to be able to help that person?

Sponsors do things for the person because it feels good to do so. They also work with others as part of the A.A. program because helping others keeps them sober. You are not imposing on a sponsor when you ask them to be your sponsor; you are offering them a chance to feel good about helping and to further their recovery. Don’t cheat a potential sponsor out of the opportunity to be of service.

Here is the process for selecting a sponsor that will likely be helpful.

1. Attend a variety of meetings

There are lots of A.A. and N.A. meetings. Most areas have central offices that can give you the address of a meeting nearby. With the changes in technology, there are lots of online resources, meeting lists, and even online meetings. If at all possible attend in-person meetings; it is important to make personal contacts.

Look for fellowships or places that have frequent meetings at the same location. Your car can find the bar without you steering it. Make it easy for your car to find the A.A. meeting on its own. Make a habit of going even when you don’t think you need to go. Someone there may need to see you. Support systems work in two directions.

There is likely to be one meeting that feels more comfortable than others. This may become your homegroup. Don’t stop there, however. Try out other groups for that time when you can’t go to your regular group but need a meeting. As you make friends at your home group consider going to other meetings together.

2. Get phone numbers.

At each meeting listen for people who say something that strikes you as helpful. After the meeting ask for their number. Many meetings will send around a phone card for members to give the newcomer their numbers.

Should you ask someone and they say no, please do not take this as something about you. Some people are very busy and don’t think they have the time for phone calls. Others, because of their jobs or situations, are not supposed to give out their phone number. If the potential sponsor says no keep asking till you find someone who is able to give out their number.

3. Every day call one other person in recovery.

When an alcoholic is thinking of drinking they will find that the phone receiver weighs two thousand pounds. They can’t lift the phone to their face to talk. By practicing phone calling every day you strengthen your arm and your habit of calling a recovering person. Sometimes you will find the other person needed the call even more than you did.

Don’t stop after one try. If the first person you call is not home or can’t talk keep calling until you reach someone. Having more than one person in your support circle is a huge plus.

It is also recommended that you not wait until after you are drunk to call. Call before you drink. Call as a way to manage the urges. Call as a way to build that connection with your support system.

4. Select someone to be your sponsor

One of those people you are calling, the one that is there for you, that is the person you are likely to ask to be your sponsor. Ask them. If they decline ask them for a recommendation. If you trusted them enough to ask them, trust them to refer you.

5. Develop social relationships with other recovering people

The best meetings are often the meeting-before-the-meeting and the meeting-after-the-meeting. Sit and talk. Go for coffee or dessert after the meeting. People hang out and talk not only about recovery but about the challenges of living life after drugs or alcohol.

Attend your fellowship’s social events, potlucks, picnics, sporting events, and so on. The more you develop social friendships the more people you have as potential support systems. Don’t wait until the crisis strikes to form strong friendships.

The process for finding sponsors at N.A. or other twelve-step programs is much the same.

What if your problem is a mental illness, not addiction, or both?

There are an increasing number of peer-run centers and peer-run groups. Ask at your local mental health providers about peer groups. Many areas have local NAMI chapters they can be especially helpful in referring you to peer support groups, so should local mental health agencies.

There are also online groups for mental health issues.

If you have both a substance abuse issue and a mental health issue look for co-occurring groups. It can also be helpful if you have multiple issues to attend more than one fellowship.

Think about how you would like your support system to support you.  Write out the things you would like them to do and not do. Make sure you discuss your wishes should a crisis strike. Make sure your support system knows about your professional providers or who to call if you have a crisis.

So there are some suggestions for creating and strengthening a support system. What have you done to create a support system?

Other posts about support systems can be found at:

How supportive is your support system?

Can one person be a support system?

How do you develop a support system?

Support meetings for family members?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How supportive is your support system?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Supporters

Support system.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Support system – Resource or stressor?

Recovering people, those with mental illnesses, addictions, or alcoholism, are reminded of the need for a support system. The evidence seems clear. Those who have a good functioning support system do better. Alcoholics and addicts with a good support system are less likely to pick up, to use, or drink again. The mentally ill with an encouraging support system are more likely to stay in treatment and less likely to end up in a psychiatric hospital.

Not all support systems are equal. The quality and the quantity of supports are both important. Who is in your support system? Who should be a member of that group? Making up a written list of the people in your support system before the crisis can help you find resources when the time of need comes.

We speak of support system as if it was a single group, one recovering person – one support system. That is not the best way to build support.  People in recovery need multiple people and need more than one support group. Any single person may not be available when support is needed. Too much reliance on a few support people can burn them out. Not every person in your support system can provide all the support you need.

Here are some categories of the people who might be included in your support system.

Family members can support you.

Family members have been with you for a long time. Even when friends leave you the family remembers you and feels an urge to help you. They will likely feel a desire to help you when no one else will. Support from a parent or sibling can be very helpful for a recovering person, as long as the family is not also part of the problem.

If your family members have a mental illness or an addiction themselves, and often problems run in families, they can’t always provide the support you need. If the course of your illness has been long or serious your family may be burned out on you. They may be unable to provide the help you need at the time you need it most. Many recovering people have a circle of family members in their support system but that is often not enough.

Family members can also be a huge source of extra stress. One study of veterans with PTSD found that family members were rated as the most supportive but also the most stressful relationships those vets had. The stress caused by family members exceeded the support provided.

While it may be helpful to have family in your support system you will need more.

Spouses, partners, and longtime friends can be supportive.

Spouses and partners can be very supportive. People with Schizophrenia who live with a supportive partner were half as likely to end up back in the hospital. If you have a partner they should be a part of your support system, but no partner can carry that full burden. Over time if your partner’s main job is to support you the relationship will suffer. Good relationships need to be maintained with positive interactions. People in recovery do lots of damage to their relationships.

It is hard for a partner to listen to you talk about your symptoms and your urges. They may want to be helpful but being your support system is not a one-person job.

Longtime friends can also be great sources of support. Sometimes these old friends feel like family. Just be sure of how much support any one friend is able to provide and keep people who are unhealthy off the list. An alcoholic can’t get much support on their recovery from someone who is still drinking.

People like you can be a part of the support system you need.

Finding a group of people with problems and interests like yours can be extremely helpful. Addicts relate well to other addicts. Veterans find support groups of other veterans hugely helpful and people with a mental illness should look for a support group of other people with the same sort of problems they have.

Twelve-step groups are highly effective because they are made up of people a lot like you. Alcoholics find A.A. useful because not only does it include a process of change in its “working the steps” it also is helpful in creating a support system of people who, like you, are struggling with their issues. Your 12 step support system will include not only your sponsor but other members of your group whom you can call when you need to talk. Many recovering people also socialize with members of their recovery group.

Veterans often report that they feel able to talk about things in veterans groups that they can discuss nowhere else. Rape victims say the same thing.

In the mental health field, “consumer” groups are becoming more common. So are “dual-diagnosis groups.”  If this is your situation, look for groups like this and participle when you can. If no group exists in your area consider an online group or starting a local affiliate of one of the national groups.

Sponsors and mentors belong in your support system.

Sponsors and mentors can be an especially important part of your support symptom. Most often these will be people from the group like you category above but they develop a special relationship with you as they help by sharing their experiences and hope. They will most likely be focused on one issue, your alcoholism or addiction but every support system needs at least one “old-timer” who can help you along in your recovery.

People who are less like you can still provide support.

People in recovery need to develop outside interests and activities. The longer you are in recovery the more likely you are to become involved in groups that are centered on things other than recovery.

Religious and spiritual groups can be extremely supportive. Include these activities when possible. If you have a hobby or vocation, consider belonging to a group for that interest.

As you move into groups outside the focus of your recovery, think about how much it is appropriate to share with the members of this group. Some people will be anxious when they learn about your mental illness. You may need to keep the discussion of your recovery for a recovery group while talking with members of your spiritual group about your spiritual issues.

Include professionals in your support system.

In developing your support system make sure to include professional people. They may not be available as often as friends, family, or members of support groups but they can be just what you need when you have a crisis.

Keep an up-to-date list of Doctors you see and the meds you take with you. Have phone numbers for the counselors and therapists you see or have seen in case you need to get more help.

Make sure you invest the time in creating and strengthening your support system.

Other posts about support systems can be found at:

Can one person be a support system?

How do you develop a support system?

Support meetings for family members?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The face of bullying is changing

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Crying child

Youth mental health.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

As bullying changes so should our response.

Most kids will be bullied sooner or later.  We used to think that there was something that the victim was doing. It would make us feel safer to think they had done something wrong and if we teach kids to avoid that mistake then our kids will be safe. Like blaming the rape victim, blaming the victim of bullying has not helped reduce the number of incidents. The amount seems to be growing. So is the type.

Our fear of violence in the school has led to crackdowns on violence. We have zero-tolerance policies. Bring a weapon to school and you get kicked out. Hit someone and you will be suspended maybe even expelled. There is no such thing as a “normal” fight between kids anymore. This has reduced the rate of physical bullying – somewhat. It has not reduced the rate of emotional bullying.

Bullying is not always from outside the family. The most devastating form occurs when family members, those who should have protected you, become the bullies. Relentlessly harassing a family member, the name-calling and the feeling of rejection all take their toll.

Kids have come into the psychiatric facilities as a result of a suicide attempt and they tell me their family has called them fat and dumb for years. They finally just gave up. This form of emotional bullying is also emotional abuse. It can and probably usually should be reported to the Child protective services as child emotional abuse. Besides intervening in the family we need to help the victim to get past the trauma of the abuse. But bullying is everywhere.

The new face of bullying is the anonymous face of the internet, cyber-bullying. It is also the acts of kids rejecting and excluding other kids. There is a lot more name-calling and cruel posts online.

Recently Psychotherapy Networker presented a webinar on bullying featuring Stan Davis as part of their parenting skills series. I try to catch as many of their presentations as possible. Most of the programs are designed for professionals and include continuing education units (CEU’s.) They also make some presentations available free of charge, but only for a short time. For more information on Psychotherapy Networker and their webinars see: http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/

Davis tells us that the old approach to bullying is not working. Education for bullying, as in education for drug abuse does not solve the problem. Kids know they shouldn’t bully, with or without an education component.

The kids who tell me at age 8 that drugs are bad and they learned in school that you should never do drugs; I see them again in their teens after they have had an overdose. Same thing with bullying.

If we really want to create a climate without bullying, or less of it anyway, we can’t excuse or alibi bullying when it happens. We need a consistent message that there is zero-tolerance for emotional bullying just like zero tolerance for physical violence. So far society is not consistent with this message at home or at school.

Drugs are cool in movies and on T. V. so are in your face put-downs of others. Kids are learning to bully from what they see others do and lacking any amount of self-control they imitate the reality shows and the movie and video game bullying.  Like the way, drunk driving stopped being OK as a result of a concerted campaign by MADD we need a campaign to make bullying a not acceptable activity.

Davis also mentioned that the best antidote for bullying is friends. The more a child belongs and feels like a part of something the less likely they will be affected by bullying. The most victimized are the most alone and once they become the victim they are more likely to be shunned by others, who are afraid to become victims also.

Connection reduces the impact of trauma whether it is from bullying or from a natural disaster. We know from other sources that people with a serious mental illness, like schizophrenia, which have partners at home that support them are half as likely to end up in the psychiatric hospital. Kids who have friends are less likely to be permanently harmed by bullying.

Resiliency is also a source of protection when someone is bullied. Resilient people seem to be able to screen out the verbal insults and the put-downs  Screens, says Davis, keep out the injury, but we need help from our friends to keep the screens of protection clean and repaired.

So the summary here is that more bullying today is non-physical like insults and rejection and to protect against this, more friends and resiliency are what is needed.

See also: Bullying, Families, and Resilience 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Have you lost your child forever? Parenting after being away.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Children working

Parentified child.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

How do you reconnect with your children if you have been away a long time?

Recovering people have often been away from their children for extended periods of time, in jail and prison, in rehab programs, or just gone doing their drug of choice. When you have been away from your children for a while, parenting can be especially difficult. Over time they change, you change and the situation changes also. Here are some thoughts on making the transition back home.

The reunification challenges are greatly increased if your child has been in foster care or their other parent has started a new relationship. You may be the biological parent but someone else has been there raising this child while you were gone.

You need their permission to reconnect.

Just being the biological parent does not give you the right to force your way back into their life. Time changes people. Painful as it may be for you, the process needs to move at the child’s pace, not the pace you would want.

The longer you have been away the more your children will have changed. You can’t expect to pick up where you left off. We tend to remember things the way they were and forget how much they will have changed.

Short separations don’t pose the problems that longer separations do. Several clients, I have worked with were away from a decade or more. That cute five-year-old who was starting kindergarten when you went away, would be a teenager now. Your “little girl” may have a boyfriend, piercings, and a whole lot of habits you wish she hadn’t picked up. She won’t take kindly to you coming back after all this time wanting to change her life.

You need to figure out how you fit into the child’s life, not the other way around.

What they went through left wounds.

You may have changed but the only memory they have of you is the way things were. Drug addicts with three days clean wonder why the family can’t forgive them, after all, they quit right? One way people protect themselves is to hold on to that anger or resentment. For some kid,s that has turned to indifference. You left them, whether you chose to or not. Seeing you again can be like being grabbed where the broken bone still hasn’t healed.

They have had to adjust.

Adjusting for the child means developing new relationships. Someone has cared for them, seen that they were fed, taken care of them when they were sick. They got close to that person. They have come to love that person and trust them. They owe that person some loyalty. Reconnecting with you can make them feel like they are betraying the one who cared for them while you were away.

Now suddenly you want them to forget the person who raised them and follow you blindly?  Why should they trust you? You weren’t there?

This is a huge problem if their other parent has started a new relationship. Papernow has written about step-families and tells us that with blended families the new spouse is always an outsider. The parent and the children had a relationship first and the new spouse came second.

If you have been away for a long time you may be in the position of the new stepparent with your own biological children. The child has developed a relationship with their other parent’s new partner. The one who was there all those years has been the one that went to their school activities and played with them.

Biological parent or not you are the new person in the child’s life, and to make it more difficult you are not even living in the house now.

To rebuild this relationship will take time, lots of time and that time will have to fit into your child’s life and their family’s life, not yours.

Reconnecting needs to be a priority.  Lots of people in early recovery fantasize about having those great relationships with their children, the reality is that it takes lots of work and it will probably not live up to your expectations. Lots of people give up. I commend those who are so determined that they stick with the process even when it is less fulfilling than they had hoped.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel