Category Archives: Self Help

Stop trying to push the wall – self-defeating behaviors.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Trying to push the wall.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you keep trying to push that wall out of your way?

You can waste a lot of time trying to push things out of your way that are not about to move. Insisting that things be the way you want them to be and expecting others to fix you can be ways of staying stuck in the unhappy life you have been living. Continuing to insist on the way things need to be is like trying to push over the wall. You expend a lot of energy but in the end, you are the one who gets knocked down.

How many of these self-defeating behaviors have you been engaging in?

Complaining about the way things are.

Complaining can feel good when you are doing it. The trouble with that behavior is that it keeps you stuck where you are. The more energy you put into complaining about what is, the less strength you have to take action and change the situation.

Insisting others need to change for you to be happy.

Your happiness can not depend on others. Work on you. Change who you are and how you see things and others will have to change to keep up with you. If you create a happy life you provide the push others may need to begin to change. Be the change you want to see in others.

Playing the blame game.

Whose fault it is, only matters in court. Sometimes not even then. Focus on who can solve this problem, generally, that is you. If you can’t change it then you need to accept it. I wanted rain today. We didn’t get it. Is that God’s fault or should I be out planting drought-resistant plants? See how that works?

Blaming your life on where you are.

This is often called a “geographic” solution. You can’t be a great artist where you live. You need to move to Paris. Trouble is you do not speak French. Solution? Become the best artist you can be where you are. Learn French for that someday you move there after you become a famous artist.

This formula works for lots of things. People tell me that they can’t quit drinking or drugging because of the neighborhood they live in like there is somewhere that you can move where there is no drugs and alcohol. Work on what you can change and do not blame where you are for your defects. It also helps if you are working on changing the place you find yourself in.

Expecting things to go your way.

Life does not always go the way we want it to. People who create a happy, successful life do not always get everything they want. Actually, the happiest people may have had the most to overcome. Develop the ability to bounce back no matter what happens and eventually things will start looking up.

Thinking someone is your missing part.

Two sick people can’t make a healthy relationship. I am not talking about physical or even mental illness here. People who struggle with challenges in life can learn ways to be the best people they can be. Do not expect to find a perfect person to complete you. Become the best person possible and you will attract the kind of people you want into your life.

Unhappy people tend to jump into relationships thinking it is the other person’s job to make them happy. Before long they are feeling angry and hurt, that other person let them down.

Right fighting.

You can waste a lot of your life insisting that you are right even when you are wrong. Let other people have their opinions. When others are wrong, let them be wrong. Believe me, in life you will have lots of chances when you stop at rest points to look back and see the places you went wrong. Let others have that same opportunity. You do not always need to be right. You do need to understand why others do not agree with you.

Focusing on what others think about you.

Some people will like you and some won’t. What others think about you is really none of your concern. The more you do in life the more you will be criticized. If you do nothing you will still be criticized.

Do the best you can. But do not do it for the acclaim of others. There will always be some people around you that you can’t please no matter what. Accept they are the way they are and work on you. Consider the feedback of others but do not let them determine your goals, values, or your self-esteem.

Believing you have to be perfect.

There are no perfect humans. We all make errors. It is required to make errors in life. Learn from your errors but be gentle with yourself. Trying to be perfect is like trying to push the mountain out of your way using brute force. It will never happen. Set a more realistic goal. Be the best you can. Learn and practice your skills but also accept the inevitability of your errors. Making errors does not make you bad, it makes you human.

Trying to drive while looking in the rearview mirror.

An occasional glance back in the mirror can be helpful. It is good to see how far you have come. But if you are stuck in the past always looking back for the good old days you let life’s today’s slip by you headed for the past with no living done.

Past pain may have left scars but it does not mean that you need to continue to live in that pain.

Being afraid to watch the movie because you do not know how it will end.

Life is full of surprises. You have to try things. Some will turn out well and some will be – you know – another learning experience. Sure you should take into account the risks in life but do not let the uncertainties of life keep you from living.

The best endings in life, as in the movies, are often surprises. You can’t take all the risk out of life without taking out a lot of moments that will take your breath away.

Worrying about the future instead of preparing.

Worry by itself does not change anything. Trying to anticipate all the things that could go wrong leaves you helpless and anxious. Plan for the future knowing that things you did not foresee can always happen. Worry keeps you stuck in the problem. Prepare for the possibilities and then live life.

Being afraid to get off the beaten path.

The great rewards in life often fall to those who took a new path. Invent something, go somewhere new, and try something you have never done to get the most out of life. The conventional path is often the boring one. Be the real you.

Letting fear keep you from doing things keeps you from growth. We learn best when exposed to things we never knew existed. What could you do if you could do anything? What would you be if all possible states of being were open to you?

Putting off your dreams until someday.

There is no someday. It is always today. You are living your life preparing for what will be. Enjoy the journey of life or you will regret the end. Dream big or dream small but continue to dream and then make those dreams a reality. The hugest of dreams can begin with small, day by day actions. Someday may never come but you will always have today. Make today the day that good things happen in your life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Excuses that keep you stuck.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Life stuck

Getting your life unstuck.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

These excuses will keep things from ever getting better.

Things in your life are not right. You know your life could be better but you talk yourself out of doing anything. Are you making excuses that allow things to stay the same? Are you cheating yourself out of the fulfilling life you could have? Here are some of the common ways people alibi their inaction and keep themselves stuck. How many of these thinking errors do you practice?

Things are not that bad.

Do you tell yourself that things are not THAT bad? That they could be worse. Clearly, the opposite of the best thing for you is not-that-bad things that could be better but you allow to stay unchanged.

I don’t know where to start.

That is a sneaky excuse. It tries to make you think there is something else you need to know before you can start on anything.  You always start where you are. You start at the beginning and keep going. Taking a trip to a strange place? Get a map, talk to a travel guide, or someone who has been there. Ask questions.

Same thing for life. Don’t know how to begin? Seek out someone who can help you. A counselor or therapist a friend or mentor. The trip to recovery land begins when you decide to leave where you are.

You need to be born with talent.

Talents are like seeds. When you were born you were given a whole lot of seeds stored away in your brain. The ones you plant and nurture will grow. You will never know how much talent you have unless you practice a skill to develop it to its fullest. Some people discover, in their retirement years, they had talents they never knew they had. What could they have done with those talents is they had nurtured them sooner?

I will never be as good as so and so.

Probably not. But then you will probably never be as bad as some other people. Comparing yourself to others is an exercise in mental avoidance. (You thought I was going to use another word didn’t you?)

There is no point in comparing yourself to others. You will never be them. But then Benjamin Franklin was no Michelangelo either. Shakespeare was no Chaucer. No one is ever anyone else. You need to be you and do the best you can. You will never know just how good you could be if you don’t try.

Things are just fine the way they are.

If you really believe that try just sitting where you are for the rest of your life. Will that work? No. You need to get up and move around. You need to work and laugh and play. Life is about the journey. If you do nothing things are not likely to stay fine. They are likely to get worse. Keep making you and your life better and see where you end up.

I will do it someday.

There are seven days in the week and none of them are Someday. Someday never comes. It is always today. Do not wait till you can spend full-time working on your dream. That day may never come. Life is all those things you experience while waiting for Someday to arrive.

It is no big deal.

It should be. This is your life. You should matter. Start by making your life matter to you. Everything is a big deal when you can’t do it anymore.

Things might get worse.

They might. But then do nothing and I can pretty much guarantee they will get worse. Things keep going in the direction they are going unless something like gravity or time bends them. Your actions can be the force that changes the trajectory of your life.

I will probably fail.

Telling yourself you will fail does not protect you from failure. Want to fail big? Do nothing. Not studying is the best way to fail a test. Do not turn in your assignment and you get a zero. Do it and you will get at least some points. In life doing something is almost always better than doing nothing.

Not sure what the risks are? Don’t let your mind try to protect you by inventing humongous possible consequences. Talk with experts, coaches, and mentors and see what the real situation is.

I might have to give something up.

You will eventually have to give everything up. You will never know what you could have had if you had gone for it. Most people have a whole lot of things, physical and habit wise that are cluttering up your life. To make room for anything new we always end up having to get something out of our lives. Pick the things you want to jettison before you run out of room, and nothing better can ever enter your life.

Change is hard.

Staying the same can be hard also. Yes, change is hard sometimes, especially that first step. But once you step out you will find that the movement gets easier the farther you go. Anything worth doing talks effort and the most valuable things sometimes takes the most effort.

Do things over and over till they become automatic habits and they become easy. The alphabet and writing were hard in the early grades, for most of us, it is easy now. Skills are all hard in the beginning but you would be surprised how quickly you can learn a new skill.

I don’t have the time for that.

You don’t have time to not do new, valuable things to improve your life. You only have so much time and then time runs out. Spend that time budget of yours wisely before all your time is gone and you regret never having done those things that might have made your life worth living.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Becoming your own best friend.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Friends

Best friend.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Would you treat a friend that way?

You teach others how to treat you. How you treat yourself is the model for the kind of treatment you get from others. Part of recovery, from whatever challenge you are recovering from, is to develop a good support system. That support system should begin with you. If you don’t treat yourself right no one else will.

Some people think they need to whip themselves in order to become a better person. Being cruel to yourself does not make you a more loving person. Learn to be a good friend to yourself and you will be practicing being a better friend to others. You need to be a good friend to have friends. Treat yourself better and you will find treating others becomes your normal way of being.

Here are some things you can do to treat yourself better.

Recognize what you do right.

People who only hear about the things they did wrong, start to feel like they can’t do anything right. Makes sure you are taking the time to notice the things you did well. Give yourself a mental round of applause for your accomplishments. Do not minimize what you accomplish by saying it should be more. Friends accept friends as they are and see the good in them. Do this for yourself.

Talk nicely to you. No name-calling.

Calling someone names and putting them down damages relationships and it hurts others. Do not call yourself names. It is a form of bullying, maybe even abuse. How can you expect others to treat you well when you abuse yourself?

Practice good self-care.

If you value things you take care of them. If you care about others you want to take care of them. Do the same for yourself.

Accept that however you are is OK.

Learn to accept yourself as you are. Sure you can try to grow and improve, but how you are now is OK also. This is the great dilemma of life. You have to accept yourself as you are to be able to grow. You will become a better person because you care about yourself not because you try to whip yourself into shape. Love yourself warts and all.

Want better for you.

A real friend wants the best for their friends. Want the best for you. Plan for a better life. Do not let where you are, determine where you are going. Be happy in the place you find you but always be striving to make you and your corner of the world better.

Make sure your needs are met.

You can’t get very many miles out of a car with an empty gas tank. Dead batteries do not make things go. Give yourself the best nutrition you can. Get plenty of sleep. Cars that are driven too far, too fast, break down. So do people, Do your daily maintenance. Keeping yourself together includes paying attention to your emotions as well as your body’s physical needs. Noticing you are depressed and using your tools to feel better will keep your emotions in better condition.

Challenge unhelpful thoughts.

Most people have a swarm of unhelpful thoughts every day. The should’s and can’t’s, the musts and have-to’s. If those thoughts you have, are holding you back challenge them. Do you really have to or is this something you are doing for someone else?

Work to please you not others.

If you get pleasure out of doing something well that pleasure will motivate you to keep going. Try to please others and they may let you down. We rarely get as much recognition from others for a job well done as we want. If you make sure to give yourself that recognition, you will never be lacking in that essential ingredient – approval.

Show yourself, love.

If you love someone you need to show it. Kids who never hear from their family that they are loved can grow up to think they are unlovable. If you do not think you are lovable no amount of love from others can fill up that empty hole. Learn to do little things for yourself that tell you that you love yourself. Then share that love with others who also love themselves.

Loving yourself does not make you selfish or self-centered. Feeling good about you is a strength that allows you to care about others.

Forgive yourself.

All humans make mistakes. There are no perfect people and the more you do in life the more mistakes you will make. Learn to forgive yourself which makes forgiving others so much easier. Fail to forgive yourself and you can become a judgmental person who is unable to find anyone who measures up to their standards.

Get honest with yourself.

Sometimes a real friend needs to tell their friend the truth. Learn to tell yourself the truth. You do not need to pretend to be better than you are. The way you are is just fine. You will become a different person over time. Life experiences change us.

The people who grow and improve are the ones who are able to face the truth about themselves and still like who they are. Knowing the truth can free you to make the changes you need to make to move forward. Lying to yourself is a prescription for staying stuck in your problem-filled life.

If you want more or better friends, begin by practicing being your own best friend and then expand that to befriending others. Let me know how this friend thing is working for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Boost your willpower.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Willpower.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Simple ways to increase your willpower.

Willpower, both the making yourself do unpleasant things and the “won’t power” type where you have to pass up things that might not be good for you, are often in short supply. Some people just seem to have plenty of willpower and other people are constantly running out.

Whatever supply of willpower you have, it seems to be at its peak in the early part of the day and then declines as the day moves on. Start your day with a good supply and you will get a lot more go out of your willpower. Here are some ways to recharge that willpower supply of yours.

Get more sleep for more willpower.

Lack of sleep, an adequate amount, can cause all sorts of problems. When you are tired you do not feel like doing things, particularly things that will require a lot of willpower. People who get enough sleep appear to have an extra dose of willpower as a result of that dose of sleep.

Sleep is the “low hanging” fruit of self-care. Add in a healthy diet, some exercise, and some emotionally healthy things, and your willpower is bound to expand.

Improve your support system and improve your willpower.

Having people on your side helps stretch your willpower. People who support you can encourage you to do the hard things that require more willpower. They can also support you in avoiding those things that are not healthy. People who have lots of friends are less troubled about willpower than those who have few friends.

Make sure these friends are positive. Remember that resisting peer pressure thing? Well, resisting peer pressure uses up tons of willpower. Having good friends that support you in doing the right thing will get you extra miles out of your existing willpower.

Manage your blood sugar to manage willpower.

Low blood sugar makes you feel tired and irritable. Eating a healthy diet and maintaining proper blood sugar can both help you have the energy to do the hard stuff. Not feeling out of sorts can also help you avoid the arguments and conflicts that come more frequently when you are low on brain fuel.

Careful though, over the long-term, high blood sugars, the kind that can lead to or be the result of diabetes, can cause you to just not want to do anything. Not sure? Talk to your doctor about your blood sugar. Do not wait until your body is totally out of go to get that diabetes diagnosis. Knowledge is power, especially in the health area.

Create a schedule – making choices uses up willpower.

People report that they have less difficulty with willpower early in the day. The first few things go well. But as you do more and more your willpower gets used up. Each time you have to make another decision you use some more of that precious willpower.

Start your day with a lot of those willpower-sapping decisions already done. End your day by making a list of the things you are going to need to do tomorrow. Each successive act you take needs less willpower as you just keep working your way down the list.

Establish routines to maximize willpower.

Routines become automatic default settings in your brain. If you do things in a certain order, that takes the pressure off you to decide what to do first, second, and so on. Use your daily outline as a tool to propel you through the rest of the day’s activities without having to think each choice through all over again.

Write out your goals and look at this list often.

Out of sight out of mind especially applies to things that are harder to do. Make a written list of goals. Reward yourself as you accomplish each goal on your list. Reminding yourself why you are doing things today that are hard to do because you are working towards a set goal, can make staying on task much easier.

Rearrange your environment to reduce temptations – people, places, and things.

Does it take willpower to stay focused? Reduce the distractions in your environment. Do not go to places where you will be tempted and then blame your fall on your lack of willpower. Bakeries are not places to stay on your diet and bars will not be good places to help you avoid drinking.

Do you get distracted by social media or videos? Close the windows, turn off the set, and see how much less willpower it takes when you are in the place to do what needs doing.

If you slip do not stay down – the F&@*it’s.

A single slip in your willpower is not an excuse to say that you just “can’t” do something. Learn from that slip and make the changes you need to make in order to stay on track. Giving up after one set back is a way to shrink your willpower.

Break tasks up into manageable chunks.

Facing one huge task can overwhelm anyone’s store of willpower. Break that task up into small pieces. Need to write a report – make up a list of the steps and check one or two off each day. Over time you will make amazing progress.

Trying to improve your life? You can’t do everything in one day. Make a few small changes and then practice these over and over. Of course, if your life is way far out of control, like addiction or homelessness you may need to do some of the large work first.  Getting off drugs or finding a safe place to stay is the first job. Making more friends and eating healthy can wait till you’re off the drugs.

Those are some of the suggestions I have found that can help expand that most precious resource willpower. Have you found any other things that help you to have an adequate supply of willpower?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ready for a life makeover?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Spring flowers

Spring is here.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Spring cleaning for your new life.

The winter season is coming to a close. Spring is approaching. Time for spring cleaning and getting the house and you spruced up for a new year. People often get makeovers for their looks and their clothing, sometimes for their places, but have you considered getting a makeover for your life?

Here are some things you may want to consider changing to create a new, clean, and effective new you.

1. Clean out the toxic habits.

Take an inventory of your life. Are there habits that became a part of your life that are toxic? Do you smoke, drink to excess, or do drugs? Would now be a good time to get rid of that habit before it becomes an addiction?

It is not just chemicals, drugs, and alcohol, which may need ejecting from your life. Behaviors can be just as addicting, mentally, and physically, as drugs. What behaviors have taken over your life uninvited?

Do you waste time complaining or gossiping, dwelling on personalities as some like to call it? Would now be a good time to resolve to work on issues rather than talk about people? Are there other habits that are harmful to your happy, productive life?

Have you settled for passive behaviors, watching sports instead of playing them? Are their activities that have become huge time wasters and which add nothing of values to your life? Get rid of the things that waste your time and spend that time on becoming a better happier you.

2. Update your friend’s list.

Do you have people in your life who are on the friend’s list, the electronic friends or associates you hang out with, that are bad for your emotional health? Consider if there are people you have been calling friends that are anything but a friend.

Is it time to work on making some new friends? Get yourself out there, say hi, put your hand out and start making new friends. You will begin to copy the people you hang out with. Show me your friends and this will tell us who you are.  Maybe your friends need an upgrade?

3. Shop for some new options – set new goals.

Has your life drifted into a rut? Are you aimlessly drifting along in life? It may be time to set new goals, rearrange your priorities, and head off in a new direction.

Were there things that you said you will do someday? Have you done them? Do not wait to create your “bucket list” until you are too old and weak to carry a bucket. If you knew time was running out, what would you want to do? Why not start doing those someday thinks today?

4. Refurbish your career.

Do you have a job or do you have a career? Work on creating a job that you enjoy going to. Make it into a career. Find something to do that you feel good about and you will find work is less of a chore and more of a life mission. Why do unpleasant work when you can do something you love all day and get paid for it?

Has your career gotten shabby and worn? Does it fit who you have become? Is it time to start shopping for ways to rework that career? Get more training, look for more opportunities in the place you work, or possibly launch out in a whole new direction.

In your lifetime you probably will need to move a bunch of times and if you are like most people you will end up changing jobs many times in your life. Start planning where you want to land when you leave where you are.

5. Get a new look.

Does your wardrobe need updating? Maybe just some outfits that are less shabby and worn? If you remember when you got that article of clothing, the decade, rather than where it may be time for a change.

6. Fix up your nest.

You spend a lot of time where you live. Make it as comfy and cozy as possible. Most people have accumulated more stuff than they can use. Do you live in the land of clutter? Now is the time to part with the out of date, the things that you keep because you have them not because you want them.

Hang some new pictures, rearrange a few things. What in your living area says “I live here?”

7. Try on some new hobbies.

Is there something you always wanted to try? Is now the time to try out that activity? Take up a new skill. Learn to cook. Find a hobby or craft that suits your lifestyle.

8. Visit some new places.

Get out of the old rut. See some new places, travel a little. Even something as simple as taking a different route to work can spark some new ideas and new experiences.

If a tourist came to your hometown where would you take them? Have you taken yourself there? What wonders await you just around the bend? Seeing things in person is a far different experience than looking at the pictures on the internet. Ask yourself what you would like to see or experience in person.

Attend some festivals. Enjoy the pageantry.  There are annual events all around you. Historical reenactments abound.

9. Make some repairs to your relationship.

Does your relationship need some work? Has it become shabby and run down? Do some things to repair the cracks that have developed between you and your partner. Good relationships require maintenance. The best relationships are between people who, once they notice the relationship has some damage, drop their pride, and work on making the repairs.

What areas of your life need remodeling or repair? Are you ready to start on some personal improvement?

For more on these topics see: Relationships,  Family Problems, Self-improvement   

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why today may be better than you thought.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Today is going to be a good day.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is today a good day?

Would you recognize a great day if you had one? We humans frequently have a mental bias that results in us seeing the bad and missing the good. If all you look for are the things that went wrong today, over time you will come to think that all days are bad ones and that your life is destined to become unhappy.

If you start looking for the positive experiences in life you will find that every day there are random positive events going on in your life largely unnoticed. Try doing some investigative work and finding these positive events for a more positive life. Here is my list of things you may have missed that could point to your having more good days than you are recognizing.

1. Someone was glad to see you today.

Did your child, partner, or pet greet you this morning? Did they say something to you when you got home? When we are rushing from place to place and person to person we can miss those in our day who were glad to see us.

Did you get a smile or a good morning from a coworker? Did you return that greeting? Work can be stressful at times but watch for those who are positive and glad to see you. Recognizing this greeting can set the tone for the rest of your day.

What about pets? Was there a dog that wagged his tail for you today? Did you stop to pet that creature? Did you get a cat purr? Purring for cats is the equivalent of an audible smile. Make sure you acknowledge that pet of yours. They are wishing you a great day if only you could stop to notice.

2. You like the work you do.

Earning a living can be stressful and make you anxious sometimes. If you have a job you like make sure you notice this and be thankful for it. If you love what you do it can bring joy and happiness to your life. Don’t like what you do? Think about how you can change jobs, start a new career, or look for ways to change your attitude towards the job you do have.

3. You look forward to getting home.

Are there things at home you like to do? People, you enjoy being with? Why or why not?  You work for a living, coming home should not be a chore. If it is, take another look at what you are doing and why. There is no point in putting off being happy to earn a living so you can go home and be unhappy.

Work on your relationships. Get professional help if need be. Look at some blog posts. There have been several on counselorssoapbox on improving your relationships. Do you put the same effort into making your relationships work that you put into building a career? Unhappiness at home carries over into the world of work.

4. You learned something new today.

If you enjoy learning then every day is a chance to learn something new. Those new ideas can go unnoticed in the pile of things we call our “to do” lists. Make it a rule to learn something new each day. Ask your partner or children what they learned today. Share what you learned. See how you can grow and become a better person each and every day.

5. If you solved a problem it was a good day.

Problems crop up all the time. You spend most of your day moving from issue to issue. The end result of all this problem solving is to develop a “problem-saturated” story of your life. Before long you can think that your whole life is one problem after another.

Did you forget all the problems you have solved? Most of us overcome a host of problems each and every day. What we may fail to do is to think back over the day and recognize those successes. Give yourself credit for things that you accomplished. Give yourself a mental round of applause. See you may be a fantastic problem solver, but if all you are remembering is that you faced problems today rather than remembering the ones you solved, life can look like one giant problem.

6. You were of service to someone else.

It is easy to drift into the habit of measuring the day based on what we have and what we receive rather than on the time we were able to be of service. Research has found that doing for others can result in significantly more happiness than being selfish and doing only for yourself.

Have you ever done anything in your life for a child or someone who really needed help? How did that make you feel? Did that child “get over on you” or did it feel good to help someone who needed your help?

If feeling good is so happy-making, why do we all resist being of service to others? Try looking for ways you can do for others and that doing will result in a happier you. Why not be really selfish and do all you can to be of service to others today?

Now that you look at it, was today a better day than you originally thought? What other ways might daily happiness be going unnoticed and unrecorded?

For more on this topic see the other counselorssoapbox.com post under Happiness.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

.

Ways to avoid work burnout.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Match on fire

Burnout.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you unhappy at work?

More people are unhappy than happy on the job site these days. Not that the job is necessarily supposed to make you happy. There was a time when people’s main reason for working was just money. When most people worked in farming or at a trade you worked to save up some money, bought some land, and then had your life. Now if you have land you have to work to pay the taxes and other bills.

You will be working for a long time.

If you look at your work or career as something you will do for 40 or so years, from becoming an adult, till you retire, it makes sense to look for a career doing something which you can be happy doing all those years.

The pay scale is not the only thing that makes for happiness. Pay is mostly symbolic. If I make enough to live the way I want, more is less important than if I am not making enough to get by on. A dollar an hour wage increase is huge for someone making minimum wage but means not much to someone who makes millions each year. Any good manager should know that giving out a raise can up production and happiness for a while but after some time people tend to revert back to their old ways. So the good workers work hard after the raise and those who thought that more money would make them happy find the effects of that raise are wearing off before long.

People who are truly happy at work find that it is more what they do and think than what the boss does that determines their happiness at work. While a bad boss can make things more difficult, there are things you can do wherever you are to make your work life more rewarding. Rather than expecting someone else to make you happy at work look for ways to get and keep a job that will make you happy.

Here are a few tips for creating a happy environment at your work site.

Search out a job that is right for you and that you would like to do.

College students often end up in majors because they heard that people who do that kind of work make a lot of money. Once out of school and on the job they are miserable and they often blame the place they work. If you are a shy person avoid training for or looking for a job that puts you out front talking to lots of people unless your goal is to overcome that shyness.

Look first for a job that would fit your personality and likes. Over time you should stretch and try to grow. Taking a job that you do not want to do is a sure recipe for job burnout. You may need to take a less than ideal job for now, but if you do, try to avoid settling into this for the long haul and being miserable in the meantime. Be thankful for the paycheck, do your very best, all the while looking for your ideal situation.

Do some research on what to expect on that job.

Some jobs look like fun when you see them on T. V. but the seamstress murder mystery solver is a fiction. Do some homework, talk with some people who actually do the kind of work you are thinking of doing. Does what is expected of employees at this company sound like something you could deal with for a long time or are you asking yourself how long you can put up with this right from day one.

Take care of yourself.

You cannot push all day at work and then go home and push all night without risking burnout. You work for a paycheck, OK. But partying all weekend is going to turn that job into something you will find it hard to show up for on Monday.

Learn to say no.

When asked to do something that you don’t think you can do, at least not safely or in the time allowed, say so. Avoid saying yes and then not doing what you said you would do. Being overcommitted at work and in your out-of-work-life can make even the most enjoyable job an overwhelming burnout.

Please the people who matter. Do not try to please everyone.

Usually, you need to please your immediate boss or supervisor. You also need to keep the “customers” whoever that may be, happy. Beyond that, you should try to keep good relationships with coworkers but you can’t please everyone all the time. Pick who you will need to please and work on that.

You probably can’t please your boss and your parents and spouse all at the same time. Make sure you keep your family out of your work life and your boss out of your home life.

Work smarter not longer.

To the extent you have any control over the work you do and how you do it look for ways to get more done in less time. Elaborate filling systems are nice – sort of – but watch out for things that suck up a lot of time and produce no results. If the project changes weekly those files may all need to be pitched out next Monday.

Concentrate on the things that are most productive.

A few of the things you do produce the bulk of the results. This is true at the job, school, and in your relationships. Do the things that are the most productive first. Often those productive things will be the willpower sucking things that you keep putting off.

Do the hard things first while your willpower is strongest, then move on through your day to the less and less difficult things. Remember there will always be more to do tomorrow.

Prioritize to-do lists.

Lists keep growing to fill the paper available. Many things on that list are wishes rather than need-to-do items. Do what matters first and cross off all the things that really do not need to be done. The goal is to be productive and enjoy your work life not to be a super-employee whose cape is worn out before retirement day.

Enjoy your face time.

Emails and tweets are fine but nothing beats a face to face get together. Humans are social animals we need to see and be around others. Most happy employees get some time each day to stop and chat with other employees.

You can’t understand the tone of voice very well in an email, you get that better in person. You also need to be concerned about the person you are with as well as the work.

Think about when it will be time for a change and how you will know that.

Staying in the same place on the same job can burn people out. You need fresh challenges or opportunities if you stay on the same job. Some people find that periodically they need to change departments, tasks, companies, or even careers. Others will find that they need to look for those challenges in their hobbies or out-of-work activates.

What ways have you found to avoid burnout in your life?

For more on the topic of Work and Careers see:

Careers and Jobs

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

7 Thoughts create success.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Think these 7 thoughts to have a successful life.

What you think tends to come true. You can’t accomplish things if you do not believe they are possible. Successful people do more positive thinking. Highly successful people make these 7 thoughts a part of their thought habits. To be really successful practice these thoughts every day until they become your default way of thinking.

1. Where I came from does not determine where I am going.

Your past may have put you where you are but you have choices on where you go from here. Having things in your past may limit some options but there are always more possibilities out there than most of us see.

Look for those options. Had a lousy childhood? Become your own parent and learn those lessons you should have gotten early on.

No education? Get back into school. There are a great many older students in college these days. Everyone needs to keep learning to keep up. Things change. Many of the students in the college evening classes I have thought were surprised to find they had far more ability than they thought.

Watch for an upcoming post on making learning fun and being successful at learning as an adult.

2. You only need to get up once more than you get knocked down.

Successful people keep getting back up. Life knocked you down? Get back up. Do learn from the things that happen to you. Change your game plan, your study routines, or get more help. The truth is that most “naturals” became naturals by practicing over and over. You make the most progress at things by working on your weak spots not by limiting what you do to the things that come easy.

3. What you think about things is more important than what they were.

If you focus on what happened, why did that have to happen and why you, you can get stuck in the past. Learn from these experiences. I get that some experiences can be extremely painful, but if you want to have the rest of your life you need to see how you could do things that can make your life better.

Look at the future as another chance and good things just might happen for you. Find it hard to believe? Short on hope? Work on developing a group of supporters that can see the possibilities ahead even when you find them hard to see.

4. This is not fear – I am on the jazz.

Change, new experiences, can provoke anxiety. Some people, they look for all the things that could go wrong and the result is they stay stuck. Really successful people reframe those butterflies in their stomachs as excitement. New experiences become their friends.

What possibilities could you get excited about? What novel situations could give you the chance to shine?

5. The best one to create my life is me.

Successful people think that they are the one to make things happen in their life. Getting the breaks and having a successful person recommend you or offer you opportunities is great, but sitting back thinking I can never do it unless someone else does things for me is a sure recipe for failure. Want to create your dream? Go out and do the work. Practice and learn. Once you become good at things others will notice. Most of those big breaks come after years of practice and study.

6. You need to make mistakes to learn.

Mistakes need not be catastrophic. Highly successful people make lots of mistakes. They learn from those errors. Do lots of things, some work some do not. Stop doing the things that do not work out for you. Put in more effort on the things you see that need improvement and see just how far you will go.

7. Aim high if you want to achieve worthwhile things.

Aim low and that is what you will hit. Aim high and even if you do not go all the way you will still end up a lot further along. Have high aims and aspirations while accepting that if you are hitting every target the first time you are still not aiming high enough. Not missing the mark a lot? You are underestimating yourself and playing it too safe to ever go as far as you are capable.

There are seven principles of success that have shown up repeatedly in the literature on success and have been born out in the lives of those who achieve great things. Have you discovered other principles that you would like to share?

For more on this topic see these other posts on counselorssoapbox.com

Success

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Top 10 life mistakes.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mistakes and errors

Mistakes.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How many of these top 10 life mistakes are you making?

What is a mistake for one person may not be for another. Over the long haul, most mistakes can be turned into assets if you recognize you are making them and change what you are doing. Here is a list of some of the things people report have been their top mistakes in life. Take a look at this list and see if you are making any of these. If so would today be the time to change what you are doing?

1. Trying to live up or down to others expectations.

Having someone who believes in you can be a powerful incentive. But if you find you are doing things you do not want to do because others expect this of you, take another look at these efforts and decide if this what you really want out of life.

Are you trying to enter a career or profession because that is what your family expects? If you get there will this be something that makes you happy? Often people try to do things to get the love and acceptance of their families only to find that what they do can never be enough. If you try to make the big leagues because your parent wanted to get there and now is living through you, be careful.

Potentially worse is the situation in which someone fails because this is what their family expects of them. Do not listen to others who need you to fail so they will not feel so bad about themselves. If you have always been told that you can’t do something, that you will never be able to do what you want, take another look at this and see if this is really true or is it others trying to hold you back. Some parents even think the way to protect their children from failure is to tell them they can’t do things so they will not try and be disappointed.

Give things a try and see how far you can go. Do not be held back by doubts, yours or others. You may discover you have more ability than you think. You do not need to make it to the White House to be successful, but if you do not try you will never know if you could have accomplished something.

2. Insisting life be fair.

Do not waste time insisting life be fair. You can spend a lot of time, fighting over what is and is not fair but sometimes life is just not fair. Work to change things if you can, but do not let unfair situations or people keep you from the pursuit of your goals. It may not be fair that someone else gets into a good school and you do not. Dust yourself off and keep going. People who get advantages early in life often fade as time goes on. People who learn to overcome adversity keep moving forward.

3. Blaming others for what you lack.

It really does not matter whose fault it is that your life is not the way you want it. You can stay stuck in blame or you can take the initiative and start off again.

4. Expecting someone to fix you.

Making your life happy or you successful is an inside job. Others can help but they can’t make you a different person. A good doctor can help you heal but the docs will tell you that a patient who takes an active part in their recovery and maintains a positive attitude will recover more rapidly.

5. Thinking you should be somewhere else.

Do not blame your life on where you are. Be as successful as you can. If you really need to be somewhere else, say you want to act, you need to go where there are theaters. Do not say that someday when you move to New York you will become a great actor. Learn all you can where you are.

6. Saying you are too old or do not have the time.

Always wanted to do something? Now is the time. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you are too old or do not have the time.

Always wanted to go back and get your college degree? Think you are too old? How old are you now? How old will you be in four years? Will you be any different in age whether you go to school or not? Lots of people are going back to school or starting a new career at ages that used to be thought of as too old. The truth is you can do whatever you set your mind to if you stop putting it off.

7. Letting fear keep you from trying.

Lots of people never tried things that they might have been good at because they let fear stand in their way. Take a realistic look at what it is that you always wanted to do. Get some advice from someone else. Always wanted to write the great American novel? Age is no barrier. Give it a try.

Doing things is more possible now than ever before. You may not have the advantage of going to a prestigious school or years to practice your skill. You do not need to be as good as Shakespeare or Hemingway to write a book. Whatever book you write will be your book. Why let fear keep you from giving it a try.

8. Expecting someone else to make you happy or successful.

Learn that others can’t eat for you, can’t sleep for you, and can’t exercise for you. They also can’t make you happy. Having happy loving people can add to your happiness but you can be miserable any place you choose. You can also learn to be happy in whatever situation you find yourself in. Work on making your life better but accept that happiness is up to you not others.

9. Calling yourself names.

Do not call yourself names or put you down. Some people experienced this as children and have kept up the destructive practice. They may pass down this negativity to their offspring. There is no proof that calling yourself stupid can make you smarter. What it will do is make you give up trying and not trying is the perfection of stupid.

Believe in yourself, accept yourself as you are, and you will go a whole lot farther in life. Calling yourself names will not motivate you to do better. It will hold you back. Tell yourself positive affirmations and you will do better. Say you can’t and you will make that come true.

10. Trying to please others.

Spend your life trying to please others and you are likely to please no one. Others are hard to please. Work to please yourself. Do things you can be proud of and you will end up pleasing those who matter.

Yes, sure you want to please the boss or your partner. Do this not because of the desire to please them but because doing your best will please you and see how many more people will be pleased by your efforts.

Those are the top ten life mistakes on my list. Are there any other mistakes that you have made and now regret? What are you doing to overcome those mistakes and move forward?

For more on becoming the best you possible, check out these other counselorssoapbox.com posts.

Self-improvement

Success

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Inner Child a Twin?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Is your inner child a twin?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are there times your inner-child can’t get along with its siblings?

There has been lots of discussion, and more than a few books over the years, about having an inner child. That part of us that is leftover from childhood, who may have those emotional hurts and pains which have failed to heal properly. There are even some therapists who advertise that they specialize in “inner child work” by which they mean they work with adults on the emotional healing and growth that should have happened in childhood but as an adult, we realize still needs to receive attention. What about the times this approach does not work? Why won’t my inner-child go along with this program?

If you feel like you need to cry or scream like a little child why don’t you do it?

Now the very rational among us tell us that there is no inner-child hiding inside us. We can perform x-rays, ultrasounds, cat-scans, and all manner of other tests, and still no one seems to be able to find that inner child lurking in there. You can’t locate that inner child so why do so many so persistently feel that one must be present?

One way I have tried to work through this inner-child stuff is my continued belief that there are certain lessons, emotional ones, and intellectual ones, which I need to learn in life. If I did not learn those lessons at 8 then I will still be working on them at 80. Eventually, we all need to learn lessons and master emotions.

That might work if I could decide what that lesson was, what is the right answer that I need to arrive at for a happy life. Then I could study until I get it right. Wouldn’t that be reassuring? It may be that there is no one answer for so many of life challenges because you may have more than one inner child, inner twins, or an inner family and those needs may be in conflict.

Our language has expressions that describe not one inner child but a whole inner family.

Do you ever find yourself thinking – part of me wants to do x and part of me wants to do Y? Do you say “on the one hand I think yes and on the other hand, I think No?”

Could one of the conflicts inherent in being a human be that feelings and thinkings are just not all that clear-cut? Some experiences are bitter-sweet. Sometimes you feel like laughing and crying at the same time. Could it be that the flaw in so many of these personality tests is that you have not one inner you but two or more inner you’s? Let’s look at some examples of inner dilemmas.

Are you an Introvert or Extrovert?

Me? Part of me is an introvert and part of me, my inner-self’s twin is an extrovert. I like being around people. I enjoy teaching and public speaking, this is the extroverted me.

But the other inner me likes to write, a rather solitary introverted behavior. There are times that I need to be around others and there are times that I need to spend some time alone watching the wind blow through the trees and the birds sing.

Which is the real me? Well, both are me and the longer I live I have come to believe that it is not in discovering the one and only one inner-me. Mentally healthy living is about embracing the various aspect of my own inner worlds.

Are you a Thinking or Feeling person?

The rational thinking part of you worries about why you are not happier. The feeling part of you wonders what you need to do to be less anxious. Occasionally I start to wonder just what I think about the way I am feeling. How do I feel about what I am thinking? Do you ever do that? Do your inner children sometimes all start acting up at once?

Life, for me anyway, turns out to be a whole lot more complicated than just figuring out what my inner-child thinks, feels, or wants. Sometimes I have a family full of inner children all competing for my attention and wanting their needs met. Is it just me? Or do others of you out there sometimes think your inner child must be a twin or, heaven forbid, a set of quintuplets?

Can you see how you might have competing conflicted inner you needs and those needs are all real and all part of you? Sometimes the way to work with your inner child is to become an inner adult, love all the parts of you. Sometimes you will need to mediate between all your parts and sometimes you will need to decide which part gets its needs met just now and which part will have to wait a while.

How about yours? Is your inner-child an only child or are there other members of your inner family?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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