Category Archives: Self Help

Looking for a job doing anything leaves you doing nothing

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dream job sign

Dream job.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Looking for a job doing anything?

Getting a job is one way to rapidly improve your mood, reduce depression and anxiety. More and more mentally ill are working, not at jobs manufactured for them, but at important and rewarding jobs right alongside other people who may never have experienced a mental health challenge.

If the person next to you at work chooses to not tell you about their mental health issues many times no one would know.

Few things in life can pull you down into depression or anxiety as dramatically as losing your job or going through long periods of unemployment. Counselors and clients often spend a lot of time working on depression and neglect the impact that having a job or other purpose in life might have on the client’s mental health.

One major missing piece in the treatment of mental illness has been our failure to provide career counseling and guidance to those with mental health challenges.

Some of life’s most needed skills; things like managing anger, having a healthy relationship, and find a job are missing from many people’s education.

Now if you were one of those people who just naturally knew how to find that high paying career, never were laid off or downsized, and had a period of unemployment, you may not have needed any career guidance. But if you are like most of us, you have had to make it through periods of unemployment and underemployment and you may have felt a good deal of anxiety and depression during those times.

Employment development departments and other agencies may work to help people find work, but how to manage those emotions while doing a job search is often missing from the equation.

One mistake I see discouraged and depressed job seekers making is to start looking for a job “doing anything.”

The willingness to take what jobs are available and at the wages that are available is a laudable quality. But looking for a job doing “anything” rarely works.

If you do not know what you are looking for how will you know it when you see it?

Try looking in the paper or online under the heading “Anything.” Did you find any listings? Looking for “a job doing anything” is not the same thing as being willing to do anything.

The more focused you are on what you are looking for, the more opportunities you might find. Having two, three, or more specific things you would like to do for a living will net more leads than constantly looking at everything and anything.

That unfocused job search will net you a lot of jobs you are not qualified for or which require work at times and locations you can’t do, but not many opportunities that are possibilities.

Spending time learning about the world of work, what jobs exists and what jobs might be a good fit with your abilities, interests, and education will go a long way in narrowing your search from looking everywhere at everything and finding nothing to looking in a few key areas in which you have a good chance to find something.

There are a few important things that you need to know to narrow your job search and improve your chances.

  1. Know yourself, your likes, your abilities, and your interests.
  2. Know about the world of work, what jobs are out there
  3. How do you land that job once you have found it?

In future posts, I want to explore a few of the basics of career counseling that Professional Counselors practice with their clients.

While you may not be out of work now there is always a chance to improve your situation. Sometimes this improvement comes from finding a job and sometimes it comes from advancing within the place you find yourself.

Either way best wishes on making a job a part of your recovery and your happy life plan.

Keep an eye out and we will take a look at more career information in the posts to come.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Systematic desensitization – conquering fear.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Fear and Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety can be a stubborn foe.

It is tempting to avoid the things you fear and to find ways to numb those unpleasant feelings. Some people use alcohol or sleeping pills other people use avoidance. But eventually, you have to face that fear or be taken prisoner by your fear.

You can’t get over something you don’t face. Sometimes the only way out of a burning building is through the door that is on fire. To begin with, we won’t ask you to walk through the flames, just to look at the door and see how your fear that it might be on fire on the other side is keeping you a prisoner in that room.

Systematic desensitization reduces the impact of fears.

One way of domesticating the anxiety monster is a technique called systematic desensitization. This is an especially effective technique for taming fears or anxiety when those anxieties are a fear of one very specific thing.

Some of these item fears are so specific we name them Specific Phobias. Meaning you are deathly afraid of one particular thing even if you are never around that thing.

Some of these specific phobias are so terrifying to the people with that particular specific phobia that I can’t even write the word out or they would stop reading. So let’s start with an exaggerated and somewhat humors example of how this specific desensitization could work.

Say there is this person that is deathly afraid of crackers. (The little packaged edible kind.)

If you know who I am talking about here please do not let on. That person’s family laughed at him.  But try as he would he just could not bear to eat at a table where there were crackers. Eventually, this got so bad that I – I mean he – could not eat with his family when they were having soup for fear there would be crackers present.

This fear became progressively worse. Soon eating out was impossible because there might be crackers all around. Eventually, even commercials for crackers or the mention of the word might provoke a panic attack. Something needed to be done.

The cure for cracker or saltine phobia? Systematic desensitization.

So off to the therapist this sufferer from cracker phobia went. Here are the steps in recovery from cracker phobia.

First, you need to be willing to talk about this fear and develop a scale of fear. Something like if we just talk about that fear I – I mean he – had by referring to this as the fear of “You know what.” That would be a 1 on the fear scale.

Actually using the name “Cracker” that scored a two. To see a picture of some crackers in a magazine that would rate a fear factor of 4. Entering at a restaurant where there might or might not be crackers present, that was a 5. Seeing actual crackers, that would be a 6, and witnessing someone eat one that would rank an 8. To have to physically touch a cracker that would rank a 9. To personally eat a cracker that would rate a 10.

Now having developed our scale we would begin to work our way up the scale all the while with the therapist reassuring the client.

Along the way, the therapist might teach the client some relaxation techniques, deep breathing, and so on. The theory here is that you can’t really feel two contradictory feelings at the same time. The more you concentrate on your relaxation the more likely you are for the fear, or anxiety if you prefer, to subside.

So over time, the exposure to the dreaded crackers becomes more and more frequent and closer, all the while practicing the relaxation skills.

At the end of treatment, the goal would be for the client to actually open a package of crackers and to eat one while the counselor watched.

Now neither I nor anyone I know has really suffered from a cracker phobia. This cracker fear has been a long time joke in the family. But I hope this has demonstrated how a counselor could help a client overcome a specific phobia that may sound funny to the client’s family and friends but has been causing the client some very real distress.

What are some of the specific phobias that this method is known to work on? Well the number one fear in America, more severe than the fear of death, is the fear of public speaking. Also up there on the list are phobias to snakes and spiders.

Fear of snakes is no big thing for most city dwellers, but if you needed to live and work outdoors this could be a trial. If you worked at the zoo in the reptile house, a fear of snakes could cost you your job.

So whatever your fear or specific phobia there are treatments to help you turn that anxiety or fear control back down to a manageable setting.

Similar to systematic desensitization, at least in my book, is the use of exposure and response prevention. People with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) develop rituals or routines that they feel the need to perform to reduce the anxiety. If we can expose the person to the thing that they fear and prevent the ritual, then over time the fear diminishes. Combine some relaxation techniques with the exposure and response prevention and you move close to the systematic desensitization approach.

Best wishes on taming those pesky excessive anxiety and fear monsters.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can’t accept compliments?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

gift

Compliments are like gifts.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There may be reasons why you find it hard to accept compliments.

If you find it hard to accept compliments there may well be two principle reasons why you just do not believe people when they give you one. There may be something suspicious about the person giving the compliment or it may be about you.

Do you wish you could believe a “good job” well done or ever just congratulations? Were you taught you were supposed to be perfect?

Were you taught you didn’t deserve a compliment?

If you grew up in a non-affirming home, if you were constantly criticized, you may have developed “low self-esteem.” Low self-esteem stems mostly from excessive judging of one’s self. People who are criticized but never given praise can begin to think that their worth depends on them getting everything right. They need to be perfect.

Since we know that we are not perfect we can easily dismiss praise believing that this can’t be true. People with low self-esteem have difficulty giving themselves credit for things done well. The result is they never believe praise when they get it.

Compliments make you feel attacked.

The only time some people remember hearing a compliment was those back-handed sarcastic kinds. From an early age, you may have learned that what might at first glance sound like a compliment was, in fact, a disguised attack. This will leave a legacy of making you distrust all the compliments you receive.

Too many compliments don’t feel genuine.

People who hand out compliments freely, complimenting others even when there is no reason to hand one out make us all suspicious. Flatters know that if they can spread around the compliments, butter you up, if you will, then they will have less difficulty slipping something by you.

Researchers find that most of us find it easier to take a compliment from someone who also occasionally points out a fault. If the other person sees your mistakes but gives you a compliment anyway it is much easier to believe that they are being honest in both rather than strewing compliments in your way in an effort to manipulate you.

Give yourself credit when you deserve it.

The first step in being able to accept compliments from others is beginning to give yourself credit and not dismiss your own accomplishments. Once you can accept your own opinion that you have accomplished something it becomes easier to accept other’s compliments.

If you are dependent on others for that feeling of “well done”, you may never get enough sincere praise to meet that need and may always distrust other’s positive statements about you.

So if you find it hard to take a compliment, consider what a real true friend might say about you and begin to acknowledge to yourself when you do something correctly. Give yourself compliments and they will feel natural when offered by others.

When someone does offer you a compliment accept it with a simple “thanks.” No need to belittle the compliment with a statement like “it was no big deal.”

Watch others behaving and try to give out sincere compliments when others do something worth praising.

Keep practicing and soon you will be giving and receiving compliments because you know you and others are worth it.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are the things you do chores or choices?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

worker resting

Work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you work all day and then come home to a load of chores?

How many of the things you tell yourself you need to do are really things you chose to do? Clients who complain about stress in their lives customarily tell me they have so much to do and so little time to get it done.

They also often complain that they get no help from family or co-workers and that they end up having to do everything themselves.

One justification for this “I need to do everything and no one helps me” syndrome is that old saw if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

How many of these things you tell yourself each day you absolutely have to do are things you are really choosing to do?

The same task can be a burden or a joy depending on the way you view it.

The continuing water shortage here in the West has pointed out this conflict. There have been T. V. ads encouraging people to put in gardens of natural plants, plants that need less water. The goal is to reduce the use of water but in the process, the plants grow more slowly, need less pruning and a yard of native plants never needs mowing.

Any casual drive through the neighborhoods on weekend mornings or after work reveals lots of people out watering and mowing laws. Many of those folks complain about how much yard work they have to do all the while making maintenance of their yards a priority.

Personally, I have never been a big fan of green lawns, but when you live in the city you have to go along to get along. Those of you from the country, you just plow that stuff under a few times a year and let it go at that.

Priorities change in retirement.

These same folks in the counseling room sometimes tell me they are planning their retirement. What do you want to do when you retire? I ask. They tell me they think they will take up gardening or a cooking class.

Those same tasks that were a chore in the past now become a choice.

When the yard work gets really overwhelming, some people turn to paying others to do their lawn. There is some merit in creating employment for others in our community. But having turned their household chores over to others those folks find they need to get more exercise so they take up walking and join a gym.

You see this same phenomenon at the gym. People drive all around the parking lot looking for a close parking spot. Sometimes they get really upset and irritated if someone cut them off from that spot right by the door.

Then once in the gym, they scrabble for a treadmill so they can do some vigorous walking.

Do you feel stressed out over cooking the evening meal despite your thoughts that you would like to spend more time becoming a great cook? Preparing a meal can be an unpleasant task or an adventure.

The difference is not in the activity but in the attitude.

So when you say you are stressed, consider how many of the things you feel stressed about which are in fact choices you make to continue to do things. Your stress may well be coming from your attitude that you have to do these things rather than that you choose to do them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Recommended self-help & Counseling books

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Recommended Books.

AA big book

Alcoholics Anonymous big book.

We have had some trouble with the links to counselorfresno.com so here is a re-post of the books on self-help, counseling, and therapy. This is a work in progress so if you think of something else that warrants a listing here let me know.

Links to suggested self-help books.

Here are some books that I have found useful or that have been recommended by clients and colleagues. No book is a substitute for professional therapy but many of the things we talk about in therapy are explained in more detail in self-help books. The links will take you to the Amazon.com listing for the books.

More titles will be added as time permits. If you have suggestions for this list send them along. Leave a comment or there is a contact form available.

Self Help books

Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow – Elizabeth Lesser

The story of how painful events can be the impetus for personal growth

Relationships

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Some interesting observations about how men and women understand relationships differently. Not everything applies to everyone but you may well see large parts of your relationship behaviors depicted in this book.

Children

Windows to Our Children: A Gestalt Therapy Approach to Children and Adolescents by Violet Oaklander

Raising Good Children: From Birth Through The Teenage Years By Thomas Lickona

The Healing Power of Play: Working with Abused Children by Eliana Gill

How do people learn the difference between right and wrong and why do some people stay stuck at low levels of moral reasoning.

Alcoholism, addiction, and recovery   

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The classic text on Alcoholism, recovery this is the book that started off the whole 12 step phenomenon.

Alcoholics Anonymous from The Anonymous Press

At 99 cents this is such a bargain. This edition needed a separate listing. No Kindle reader? No Problem, if you have a computer you can download a free Kindle reader.

Theory and counseling techniques

These books are recommended for professionals, interns, and students. They may also be of interest to some clients or consumers.

Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward

Schizophrenia: Cognitive Theory, Research, and Therapy – Aaron Beck

Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.– Jay Halley

The story of Milton Erickson’s very unusual and very effective way of conducting therapy.

Need a Kindle? Here is one for $69

Kindle, 6″ E Ink Display, Wi-Fi – Includes Special Offers (Black)

“Counselorssoapbox and counselorfresno.com are participants in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.” We recommend only books we think are good and maybe occasionally make a buck.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Serenity

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“There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” 
― G.K. Chesterton

Serenity

It doesn’t have to be true for you to believe it

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Truth or lie

Separating truth from lies is hard work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Just because someone believes it does not make it true.

We continue to see a lot of conflict and violence over differences in beliefs. It is hard to understand how different people could look at the same set of circumstances and come to such very different conclusions, but they do.

People can become pretty heated about the big stuff, politics, and religion, but progressively smaller things, like sports teams and physical appearance, can result in huge disagreements also.

Don’t think there is a correct way to look.

Would you kill someone or kill yourself because one of you is too tall or too short? How about being too fat or too thin? Just those sorts of beliefs are resulting in bullying, violence, and self-harm. Some of these bullying incidents have resulted in suicide even when the statement the bully made was clearly incorrect. The problem was that the victim believed something that was not true.

Being bigger or smaller, smarter, or less smart are not reasons for harm to others or self in my opinion but that is the topic of another post.

What we are seeing daily in the news is the way in which people who are told lies about themselves come to believe those lies and then take action based on those incorrect beliefs.

In counseling, we see a whole lot of people who are convinced they are too fat or thin, stupid, or ugly when the evidence in front of the counselor’s eyes contradicts that belief.

Do not believe everything you think.

Most of us fall into the trap of thinking that because we believe something, that is evidence that our beliefs are true and that others should quickly see the error of their ways when they do not agree with us.

What if some of your most firmly held beliefs turn out to be untrue?

One way in which incorrect beliefs come to be regarded as true despite no evidence or evidence to the contrary is called emotional reasoning.

If you become scared when you think of something, you could take that as evidence that the thing that scares you is dangerous.

Many of us fall into the emotional reasoning trap when we chose to believe something because it makes us feel better or more secure if that were true.

This is a way the bullies of the world torment their victims. They express a negative derogatory statement about their victim and then because others say something about you the victim is driven to believe the things the bully has said.

Many a person will make statements in your lifetime, some of them derogatory. Those comments from others do not make them true. And even if there is some grain of truth in them, remember the best lies contain just enough truth in them to be believable.

The opinions of others ought not to matter. Clearly, many of the things others say are not true. You don’t have to believe everything others tell you and you do not need to believe every negative thing you think about yourself.

Be very careful that you are not lying to yourself. The most hurtful lies are the ones we tell ourselves so often that we begin to believe them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The only two must-have things

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What two things are “must-haves?”

From my time as a counselor I find that there are two things, clients must have to create a happy, fulfilled life. Those two must-have things are not the things we have been led to believe are must-haves for happiness.

Whatever their challenge in life, my clients all seem to be missing two important ingredients to create a happy successful life. People who hear voices and see things and people who thought they were perfectly normal until life took a wrong turn both need those same things.

Humans as biological organisms need some minimal intakes to sustain their biology. We need some food, some water, air to breathe, and a small amount of clothing or shelter. Mostly though, as warm-blooded vertebrates, we adapt. Not having those things risks your health and life but having them does not automatically make you happy.

Happiness is not things.

America is blessed and cursed with an abundance of things. So many things we have to haul tons of them to the landfill each week just to keep our things from choking off our access to the remaining things and still – will all those things, we are not happy.

We live in a land of plenty and more people here suffer from excesses than from shortages. There is too much food and the result is obesity and diabetes. We have plenty of vehicles and we consume humongous quantities of energy in our pursuit of happiness and still, amid all those excesses we can’t find happiness. Americans consume the lion’s share of drugs and alcohol and still, we can’t arrive at happiness.

What then are those two things that appear vital in the creation of happiness whether you are rich or poor? Despite our unending search for therapies to help people with their depression two things consistently improve the depressed person’s mood, a healthy relationship, and a purpose in life. Both of these things while simple, are harder to do than they sound.

Humans need healthy relationships.

By this, I do not necessarily mean romantic or sexual relationships, though having a close romantic partner seems to make most warm-blooded vertebrates happy.

We need a relationship with other humans and we need relationships with those higher powers most of us call God or a Deity.

It is a difficult task to have a healthy relationship when you are emotionally sick. Many people find they need to develop a healthy relationship with themselves before they can have a healthy relationship with another. Falling in love is intoxication but the stupor soon wears off and you begin to see with clear eyes that not all love relationships are healthy.

You do need a meaningful purpose in life.

For most of us, this is some form of work. We have come to recognize that many people who we used to think were not capable of work, can despite those challenges we call disabilities, engage in meaningful work.

All work does not need to be paid employment. Having a task that brings meaning to your life gives you a reason to get up in the morning. So paid or volunteer, of someone else’s choosing or of our own, having something to do each day that aligns with a purpose or goal gives us hope and happiness.

You may not be rich but if your daily tasks have a higher purpose, doing God’s will or giving to others, you are most likely to find happiness in living those life purposes.

Finding a job is difficult sometimes. Finding a career that gives you more than just money is more complicated. The more you like your work, the more you are doing what you feel called to do the greater your happiness. No amount of money can compensate you for doing something that is not worth the effort.

We all may need to do something from time to time to pay the bills and keep the body and soul together but in the long haul we call life, those who can find a purpose and then find a way to earn a living at that purpose are well along the road of happiness.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

You can become a “natural”

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Skills.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can you learn to be a natural?

When it comes to ability there are two schools of thought.

One group says that people are either born with a talent or they are out of luck. This used to be the prevailing theory. There are still a lot of folks who cling to this notion. They would have us believe that some folks are born to be poor, stupid, and uneducated and other people are born to be rich, privileged, and perfect.

The other school of thought decrees that people are all born with some genetic abilities but how those talents grow and develop are heavily influenced by the training they receive and the skills they develop.

School one says that if you are clumsy, that is the way you are and you will be clumsy the rest of your life. Coaches from this school search far and wide and try to recruit talent for their teams.

Coaches from the second school, the incremental skills school, look for ways to help the players they have developed more and better skills.

Personally, I think there is strong evidence for the second school. People who initially did not look like they could do something can often outplay, out study, and outperform those people who initially looked like “naturals.”

Naturals are developed over time not born that way. Some people who should have made the natural list never got the training they needed and as a result did not become the “natural” they could have become.

Some examples.

We expect that the tallest people should be the best at basketball. Yes, good players often enjoy the benefits of being above average in height, but have you ever known a really tall person who just could not play basketball? Are their short people who turn out to be extraordinary players? Appearances do not make for naturals and neither do inborn qualities.

The college degrees often do not go to the smartest people. We all know plenty of really smart people who did not apply themselves and as a result, failed to finish their education. Education does not always equal ability or opportunity but in many areas of life, without education, you don’t get to play the game in the first place.

“Naturals” practice – a lot.

If high levels of ability were all about being a natural, those top players would never need to practice. The truth is that the best players practice repeatedly until the things they want to do become automatic actions. They train themselves until they become that “natural” they wanted to be.

You have to practice the things that need improvement.

Highly successful people do not focus only on the things they do well. The difference between the top athletes and the next level down is that the top people continue to practice the things they do not do well until those things become part of their A routine. Those people who aspire to greatness but never make it often look for the things that they are good at, the things that they think reflect some natural ability, and then they practice what they are good at. Maintaining skills by practice is a good thing, but failing to improve yourself will prevent you from reaching the goals you would like to achieve.

The best way to be cone a natural is to find something that is an underdeveloped talent and practice this until you become proficient at it.

What thing would you like to look so good at that people would think you were a natural at it? Are you willing to work and practice until you become one of those high achieving people?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

You’re creating your bad days

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

People fighting

Bad behavior.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Bad days don’t just happen sometimes we create them.

There are days when bad things happen. There is an earthquake or a hurricane but that doesn’t always add up to a bad day. Sometimes in the midst of all the chaos that Mother Nature sends our way we can find the good in that day. Everyone lived, No one is seriously hurt, life goes on.

Sometimes the universe doesn’t send any calamity our way but we have a bad day anyway.

Ever had a day like that? Things should be going well. Nothing out of ordinary but somehow you hit every traffic light. At work nothing goes right, everything takes longer than it should and you hate every moment.

What if you were creating these “Bad Days?”

If you were to discover that you are creating these bad days would you be willing to do something new? You don’t necessarily mean to create bad days but if you are doing something that gives you this result, would you be willing to try something different?

If you have somehow learned to behave in a certain way and the result of that behavior, the actions you are taking, are creating those awful days then you have some choices. Anything you have learned to do can be unlearned.

You may have slipped into a habit that is causing all these difficulties. Habits are entrenched. We aren’t always aware that we are doing something in a habitual manner but if you start paying attention you can change those habits.

Your brain believes what you tell it.

What you tell yourself becomes the basis for your actions. You don’t have to say the words out loud but if you repeat that thought enough it becomes an automatic thought. Thoughts become beliefs and your brain does its maximum to make your beliefs a reality.

Your brain will make things go wrong if that is what you are expecting, it wants to please you. Say over and over to yourself that “I can’t do this” and all the energy will drain out of you.

Tell yourself that “I am going to have a bad day” and you create it.

On some level, we all know this stuff. You have heard about the power of positive thinking but you can’t bring yourself to disregard those feelings that you are having that today is going to be a bad day. The more you think that today will be a bad day the more likely you are to create one.

You can’t change this by lying to yourself.

You wake up and you are on edge. Things are going to happen at work today and you are expecting this to be a problem-filled day. Your appraisal of the situation is that today will, despite your best efforts, “Be a bad day.”

Being a Pollyanna and telling yourself that life is perfect when you, in fact, know that there are troubles ahead will not fix this one.

This is one reason people will say that positive affirmations do not work. They pick things that they wish were true, that they would like to have happen or qualities they wish they had, but they have picked something that is so beyond where they are that they do not believe this affirmation. The result of these unrealistic affirmations is that you feel more hopeless than before.

The words you use to describe your challenges matter.

Mostly our thoughts are words. Our memories are largely stories saved by using words. Our nervous system can store pictures or emotions but when you think, say to yourself “This is going to be a bad day.” You are telling yourself a story using words.

Change the words and you change the story.

If you were to tell yourself that today will be difficult, could you believe that? What if you say today I face challenges? These ways of expressing what is ahead are not rose-colored glasses but they are a lot more optimistic than saying you will have a bad day.

Telling yourself that today will be hard is not the same message as telling yourself that today will be a bad day. Especially if you also tell yourself that you will find ways to cope.

Move from telling yourself that “this will be a bad day” and try saying to yourself “this will be a challenging day” and watch failure turn to opportunity.

Difficult times you can handle, you will get through this and you may grow or prosper.

Try this way of changing your life story and see what happens. If you find a set of words that helps you please share that with the rest of us. I am always on the lookout for anything that will help move me along the road to happiness.

Your self-talk does predict the future. 

Remember Self-talk and affirmations change your life. 

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel