Secrets of the Parents Club.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There are parent secrets you can only learn on the job.

Parenting is one of the most common tasks on earth. You would think there would be better preparation. Unlike most vocations and avocations parenting has no training required and little provided before you start the job.

There are a few parenting classes, I highly recommend them. I know however that most people do not get into a parenting class until after they are actively participating as parents and discover it is harder than it looks.

Seems like parenting is something like swimming, hard to learn in the classroom and most people are learning this skill by the old fashion method of sink or swim. Below are some secrets that the survivors of the real world parenting boot camps have shared with me.

There are no minor leagues for parents.

Taking a class in being a parent is nice. Being raised in a family with lots of children and helping care for your siblings or relatives is helpful. So is having had some experiences as a babysitter. None of that prepares you for the challenges of being a parent, especially if you have to do this while working out relationships and having to work a job to support yourself.

Becoming a parent is the equivalent of going from tossing the ball around in first grade to being drafted into a major league. Some time in school athletics and the minors would have helped. Being “drafted” as a parent gives you nine months tops to prepare. Most of your learning will be on the job and you will get hurt a lot. Still, if you try really hard there may be a few times you do something right.

You will make mistakes.

There are no perfect parents except in the movies. There you do not see what happens when the camera stops rolling. In real life, the role does not end until you are dead and gone. Along the way you just do the best you can.

Studies have suggested if you get more than half of things right your kid will think you did a good job. At least till they become a teenager and decide to try and improve on your efforts.

Do not try to be your kid’s friend.

Having a good relationship with your kids is nice. Remember though that parents need to be parents and kids need to be kids. This precludes you from having the kind of relationship your child has with their friends. If you try too hard to their best friend you stop being their parent.

You have to wait for them to learn things.

Pushing too hard can make a child fall down. The old school way was to constantly push kids to do more and be more. Some of that worked. What you need to be careful of is trying to push your child to do things that developmentally they are not ready for. A three-year-old should not be carrying heavy objects and they are not ready for some mental tasks. Expecting a child to act older than they really are is a bad formula. Spend some time learning what a “typical” child should be able to do at what age. Then cut your child some slack. If they are on average doing things they should, they can take longer to learn some things than others. We all have different skills. If they seem to be falling behind get them professionally evaluated.

Let them be kids.

Drive a car too fast for too long and it will fall apart. I see a lot of clients who were pushed beyond their limits to be perfect as children and then once out of the house they fell apart.

That “playing around” is not a bad thing. Play is a sort of rehearsal for life. Well-adjusted children learn to play so they can enjoy what they do later in life. In your haste to prepare your child for adult life do not take away the joy of living.

Encouraging is not nagging.

Encouragement is pointing out the successes not yelling at them to do more and do better. Saying you believe in them need not convey the message that you will only love them if they win big.

Be slow to point out their mistakes.

If all you ever get is criticism you may think you are incapable and give up. There is such a thing as “learned helplessness” where after a while when nothing you do is adequate, you stop trying. Do not teach your child that no matter how hard they try it will never be possible for them to measure up.

Be fast to recognize your mistakes.

As a parent, you will make mistakes. Accept that. Learn from that. Doing the thing that is not working over and over will not change the child. It will wear you and them out. Learn from your child and from others. Practice your parenting skills and you will get better. The truth is that the youngest children will have very different parents than their older siblings.

They will change.

Children change whether you want them to or not. Just about the time you figure them out, they will have changed. But then often the child thinks this same thing about the parent. The person you were ten years ago is not who you are now or who you will be ten years from now. Neither is your child.

Your answers will not work for them.

You had to find your way in life, hopefully, you are there now. If not keep working on you. Your child will need to do the same. You may be good at music and they have no interest what so ever. Or they may have your interest but like a form of music, you can’t stand. That is the way it works.

Occasionally we see a person that is in the family business or who is a third or fourth generation professional in the same field. That is rare. What is more common is parents who push their child into their footsteps and the path does not fit that child. Let them explore and find their own way.

Once they start to think they will come up with new stuff.

A common parent mistake is to try to tell your children to think for themselves and then be horrified at the things they think. Your children are living in a different world than you did. They will grow up with technology you will struggle to keep up with.

This attraction to and willingness to accept new ideas is not limited to technology. Accept that the next generation will experiment with new ideas. Some will work and some will not. The Old is good but so is new. There needs to be a balance. Rejecting your hobby or your ideas does not have to equal a rejection of you. Do not think that because your child thinks about new things that invalidates you.

The stuff will not make them love you.

A whole lot of adults fell into the trap of thinking that working hard to give their kids the things they never had as children will make their child happier and healthier. That does not work.

Ten, twenty, thirty years from now most kids will not remember the exact thing you bought them. They will remember the time you spent or did not spend with them. Remember to give love and time as much or more than you give things.

Popular does not last, hard work does.

There is a time in school when being popular and with the in-crowd matters. The life lesson we mostly learn is that who is in and why can change in an instant.

That popular person in the senior class in high school may be not so popular three months later when you start college. The in musical group or politician may be out tomorrow. Popularity is a lot about others. Those who stay at the top over the long haul work really hard at what they do. They have talent but talent is hugely about how many hours you practice what you do. Talents grow with use.

Feelings will change.

Feelings can and should change. This is a real life. Some days are better than others. Do not think that the way you feel now will be the way you will feel some other time. We used to think of childhood as a happy time, free of responsibilities, and then as an adult, you had to struggle. Nowadays that is upside down. Many kids struggle with anxiety, depression, or loneliness. Then when we get to be older life is happier. Not because you have everything, may elderly have much less than before, but you just start to appreciate what you have and don’t care so much what others think.

There will be life after children.

From the first day you have a child in your life, or even the day you know you will have one, your life changes. You think a lot about your child all that time. Then one day that child leaves you and you have to think about what will happen next. Some couples go through a crisis then. They spent more than half their life doing things for their children and now they can’t figure out what to do together or with the rest of their life. As important as your children are you need to still have a life that you will want when the kids are gone.

Some of you will try to substitute being grandparents for being parents. Being active in your grandchildren’s life is good, but remember you can’t take over the role of being your grandchild’s parent. You need to let your children parent their children and then the whole cycle starts over.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stop trying to push the wall – self-defeating behaviors.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Trying to push the wall.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you keep trying to push that wall out of your way?

You can waste a lot of time trying to push things out of your way that are not about to move. Insisting that things be the way you want them to be and expecting others to fix you can be ways of staying stuck in the unhappy life you have been living. Continuing to insist on the way things need to be is like trying to push over the wall. You expend a lot of energy but in the end, you are the one who gets knocked down.

How many of these self-defeating behaviors have you been engaging in?

Complaining about the way things are.

Complaining can feel good when you are doing it. The trouble with that behavior is that it keeps you stuck where you are. The more energy you put into complaining about what is, the less strength you have to take action and change the situation.

Insisting others need to change for you to be happy.

Your happiness can not depend on others. Work on you. Change who you are and how you see things and others will have to change to keep up with you. If you create a happy life you provide the push others may need to begin to change. Be the change you want to see in others.

Playing the blame game.

Whose fault it is, only matters in court. Sometimes not even then. Focus on who can solve this problem, generally, that is you. If you can’t change it then you need to accept it. I wanted rain today. We didn’t get it. Is that God’s fault or should I be out planting drought-resistant plants? See how that works?

Blaming your life on where you are.

This is often called a “geographic” solution. You can’t be a great artist where you live. You need to move to Paris. Trouble is you do not speak French. Solution? Become the best artist you can be where you are. Learn French for that someday you move there after you become a famous artist.

This formula works for lots of things. People tell me that they can’t quit drinking or drugging because of the neighborhood they live in like there is somewhere that you can move where there is no drugs and alcohol. Work on what you can change and do not blame where you are for your defects. It also helps if you are working on changing the place you find yourself in.

Expecting things to go your way.

Life does not always go the way we want it to. People who create a happy, successful life do not always get everything they want. Actually, the happiest people may have had the most to overcome. Develop the ability to bounce back no matter what happens and eventually things will start looking up.

Thinking someone is your missing part.

Two sick people can’t make a healthy relationship. I am not talking about physical or even mental illness here. People who struggle with challenges in life can learn ways to be the best people they can be. Do not expect to find a perfect person to complete you. Become the best person possible and you will attract the kind of people you want into your life.

Unhappy people tend to jump into relationships thinking it is the other person’s job to make them happy. Before long they are feeling angry and hurt, that other person let them down.

Right fighting.

You can waste a lot of your life insisting that you are right even when you are wrong. Let other people have their opinions. When others are wrong, let them be wrong. Believe me, in life you will have lots of chances when you stop at rest points to look back and see the places you went wrong. Let others have that same opportunity. You do not always need to be right. You do need to understand why others do not agree with you.

Focusing on what others think about you.

Some people will like you and some won’t. What others think about you is really none of your concern. The more you do in life the more you will be criticized. If you do nothing you will still be criticized.

Do the best you can. But do not do it for the acclaim of others. There will always be some people around you that you can’t please no matter what. Accept they are the way they are and work on you. Consider the feedback of others but do not let them determine your goals, values, or your self-esteem.

Believing you have to be perfect.

There are no perfect humans. We all make errors. It is required to make errors in life. Learn from your errors but be gentle with yourself. Trying to be perfect is like trying to push the mountain out of your way using brute force. It will never happen. Set a more realistic goal. Be the best you can. Learn and practice your skills but also accept the inevitability of your errors. Making errors does not make you bad, it makes you human.

Trying to drive while looking in the rearview mirror.

An occasional glance back in the mirror can be helpful. It is good to see how far you have come. But if you are stuck in the past always looking back for the good old days you let life’s today’s slip by you headed for the past with no living done.

Past pain may have left scars but it does not mean that you need to continue to live in that pain.

Being afraid to watch the movie because you do not know how it will end.

Life is full of surprises. You have to try things. Some will turn out well and some will be – you know – another learning experience. Sure you should take into account the risks in life but do not let the uncertainties of life keep you from living.

The best endings in life, as in the movies, are often surprises. You can’t take all the risk out of life without taking out a lot of moments that will take your breath away.

Worrying about the future instead of preparing.

Worry by itself does not change anything. Trying to anticipate all the things that could go wrong leaves you helpless and anxious. Plan for the future knowing that things you did not foresee can always happen. Worry keeps you stuck in the problem. Prepare for the possibilities and then live life.

Being afraid to get off the beaten path.

The great rewards in life often fall to those who took a new path. Invent something, go somewhere new, and try something you have never done to get the most out of life. The conventional path is often the boring one. Be the real you.

Letting fear keep you from doing things keeps you from growth. We learn best when exposed to things we never knew existed. What could you do if you could do anything? What would you be if all possible states of being were open to you?

Putting off your dreams until someday.

There is no someday. It is always today. You are living your life preparing for what will be. Enjoy the journey of life or you will regret the end. Dream big or dream small but continue to dream and then make those dreams a reality. The hugest of dreams can begin with small, day by day actions. Someday may never come but you will always have today. Make today the day that good things happen in your life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Excuses that keep you stuck.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Life stuck

Getting your life unstuck.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

These excuses will keep things from ever getting better.

Things in your life are not right. You know your life could be better but you talk yourself out of doing anything. Are you making excuses that allow things to stay the same? Are you cheating yourself out of the fulfilling life you could have? Here are some of the common ways people alibi their inaction and keep themselves stuck. How many of these thinking errors do you practice?

Things are not that bad.

Do you tell yourself that things are not THAT bad? That they could be worse. Clearly, the opposite of the best thing for you is not-that-bad things that could be better but you allow to stay unchanged.

I don’t know where to start.

That is a sneaky excuse. It tries to make you think there is something else you need to know before you can start on anything.  You always start where you are. You start at the beginning and keep going. Taking a trip to a strange place? Get a map, talk to a travel guide, or someone who has been there. Ask questions.

Same thing for life. Don’t know how to begin? Seek out someone who can help you. A counselor or therapist a friend or mentor. The trip to recovery land begins when you decide to leave where you are.

You need to be born with talent.

Talents are like seeds. When you were born you were given a whole lot of seeds stored away in your brain. The ones you plant and nurture will grow. You will never know how much talent you have unless you practice a skill to develop it to its fullest. Some people discover, in their retirement years, they had talents they never knew they had. What could they have done with those talents is they had nurtured them sooner?

I will never be as good as so and so.

Probably not. But then you will probably never be as bad as some other people. Comparing yourself to others is an exercise in mental avoidance. (You thought I was going to use another word didn’t you?)

There is no point in comparing yourself to others. You will never be them. But then Benjamin Franklin was no Michelangelo either. Shakespeare was no Chaucer. No one is ever anyone else. You need to be you and do the best you can. You will never know just how good you could be if you don’t try.

Things are just fine the way they are.

If you really believe that try just sitting where you are for the rest of your life. Will that work? No. You need to get up and move around. You need to work and laugh and play. Life is about the journey. If you do nothing things are not likely to stay fine. They are likely to get worse. Keep making you and your life better and see where you end up.

I will do it someday.

There are seven days in the week and none of them are Someday. Someday never comes. It is always today. Do not wait till you can spend full-time working on your dream. That day may never come. Life is all those things you experience while waiting for Someday to arrive.

It is no big deal.

It should be. This is your life. You should matter. Start by making your life matter to you. Everything is a big deal when you can’t do it anymore.

Things might get worse.

They might. But then do nothing and I can pretty much guarantee they will get worse. Things keep going in the direction they are going unless something like gravity or time bends them. Your actions can be the force that changes the trajectory of your life.

I will probably fail.

Telling yourself you will fail does not protect you from failure. Want to fail big? Do nothing. Not studying is the best way to fail a test. Do not turn in your assignment and you get a zero. Do it and you will get at least some points. In life doing something is almost always better than doing nothing.

Not sure what the risks are? Don’t let your mind try to protect you by inventing humongous possible consequences. Talk with experts, coaches, and mentors and see what the real situation is.

I might have to give something up.

You will eventually have to give everything up. You will never know what you could have had if you had gone for it. Most people have a whole lot of things, physical and habit wise that are cluttering up your life. To make room for anything new we always end up having to get something out of our lives. Pick the things you want to jettison before you run out of room, and nothing better can ever enter your life.

Change is hard.

Staying the same can be hard also. Yes, change is hard sometimes, especially that first step. But once you step out you will find that the movement gets easier the farther you go. Anything worth doing talks effort and the most valuable things sometimes takes the most effort.

Do things over and over till they become automatic habits and they become easy. The alphabet and writing were hard in the early grades, for most of us, it is easy now. Skills are all hard in the beginning but you would be surprised how quickly you can learn a new skill.

I don’t have the time for that.

You don’t have time to not do new, valuable things to improve your life. You only have so much time and then time runs out. Spend that time budget of yours wisely before all your time is gone and you regret never having done those things that might have made your life worth living.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Becoming your own best friend.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Friends

Best friend.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Would you treat a friend that way?

You teach others how to treat you. How you treat yourself is the model for the kind of treatment you get from others. Part of recovery, from whatever challenge you are recovering from, is to develop a good support system. That support system should begin with you. If you don’t treat yourself right no one else will.

Some people think they need to whip themselves in order to become a better person. Being cruel to yourself does not make you a more loving person. Learn to be a good friend to yourself and you will be practicing being a better friend to others. You need to be a good friend to have friends. Treat yourself better and you will find treating others becomes your normal way of being.

Here are some things you can do to treat yourself better.

Recognize what you do right.

People who only hear about the things they did wrong, start to feel like they can’t do anything right. Makes sure you are taking the time to notice the things you did well. Give yourself a mental round of applause for your accomplishments. Do not minimize what you accomplish by saying it should be more. Friends accept friends as they are and see the good in them. Do this for yourself.

Talk nicely to you. No name-calling.

Calling someone names and putting them down damages relationships and it hurts others. Do not call yourself names. It is a form of bullying, maybe even abuse. How can you expect others to treat you well when you abuse yourself?

Practice good self-care.

If you value things you take care of them. If you care about others you want to take care of them. Do the same for yourself.

Accept that however you are is OK.

Learn to accept yourself as you are. Sure you can try to grow and improve, but how you are now is OK also. This is the great dilemma of life. You have to accept yourself as you are to be able to grow. You will become a better person because you care about yourself not because you try to whip yourself into shape. Love yourself warts and all.

Want better for you.

A real friend wants the best for their friends. Want the best for you. Plan for a better life. Do not let where you are, determine where you are going. Be happy in the place you find you but always be striving to make you and your corner of the world better.

Make sure your needs are met.

You can’t get very many miles out of a car with an empty gas tank. Dead batteries do not make things go. Give yourself the best nutrition you can. Get plenty of sleep. Cars that are driven too far, too fast, break down. So do people, Do your daily maintenance. Keeping yourself together includes paying attention to your emotions as well as your body’s physical needs. Noticing you are depressed and using your tools to feel better will keep your emotions in better condition.

Challenge unhelpful thoughts.

Most people have a swarm of unhelpful thoughts every day. The should’s and can’t’s, the musts and have-to’s. If those thoughts you have, are holding you back challenge them. Do you really have to or is this something you are doing for someone else?

Work to please you not others.

If you get pleasure out of doing something well that pleasure will motivate you to keep going. Try to please others and they may let you down. We rarely get as much recognition from others for a job well done as we want. If you make sure to give yourself that recognition, you will never be lacking in that essential ingredient – approval.

Show yourself, love.

If you love someone you need to show it. Kids who never hear from their family that they are loved can grow up to think they are unlovable. If you do not think you are lovable no amount of love from others can fill up that empty hole. Learn to do little things for yourself that tell you that you love yourself. Then share that love with others who also love themselves.

Loving yourself does not make you selfish or self-centered. Feeling good about you is a strength that allows you to care about others.

Forgive yourself.

All humans make mistakes. There are no perfect people and the more you do in life the more mistakes you will make. Learn to forgive yourself which makes forgiving others so much easier. Fail to forgive yourself and you can become a judgmental person who is unable to find anyone who measures up to their standards.

Get honest with yourself.

Sometimes a real friend needs to tell their friend the truth. Learn to tell yourself the truth. You do not need to pretend to be better than you are. The way you are is just fine. You will become a different person over time. Life experiences change us.

The people who grow and improve are the ones who are able to face the truth about themselves and still like who they are. Knowing the truth can free you to make the changes you need to make to move forward. Lying to yourself is a prescription for staying stuck in your problem-filled life.

If you want more or better friends, begin by practicing being your own best friend and then expand that to befriending others. Let me know how this friend thing is working for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

One preventable disease killing seniors up 1100%

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Elderly couple.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

One disease has resulted in an 11 fold increase in accidental deaths among seniors.

When we think of the illnesses plaguing seniors we tend to think of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, diseases that have long been associated with the process of growing old. As the population of the elderly, and almost-elderly, has risen, one disease has taken off in unprecedented numbers.

Drug use and abuse among seniors are out of control.

Past generations left drug use and abuse to the young people. As people age across the lifespan, they tended to give up bad habits and settle down to more responsible lives. The current generation of aged has pioneered a new trend in this as in so many other areas. Seniors are abusing more drugs and dying as a result of that abuse at alarming rates. This is a trend that is not likely to abate any time soon.

Senior’s deaths from accidental drug overdoses are rising rapidly.

Government statistics report large and rising rates of drug use among seniors. The “baby boomer” – “old hippy” age group has held onto their drugs of choice while adding to the drugs they use. Large studies take time to complete but the more seniors enter the statistics the more startling the trend becomes. Some of these drug-related deaths are obvious, some are more hidden.

Being an almost-senior puts you at risk also.

CDC reported recently that 12,000 baby boomers in the age range 45 to 64 died in one year (2013) from accidental drug overdoses. That is more than the total number of deaths from car accidents, influenza, and pneumonia combined.

Seniors have held onto their drug of choice longer than past generations.

Many baby boomers have held onto their drug of choice as they have aged. Up to 50% of all hospital emergency room admissions of senior citizens is the result of an overdose of drugs and or alcohol. In the year 2015 seniors age 60 to 65 are three times more likely to be using illicit drugs that those who were in that age group in the year 2000. Old hippies are still getting high, sometimes with life-threatening consequences.

Prescription drug deaths predominate.

Just because the drug comes from the doctor or pharmacy does not make it safe. More and more drug abusers, particularly seniors, are moving from questionable street drugs to prescription medications as their drug of choice.

Two groups of drugs account for the bulk of these drug overdoses, painkillers, and anti-anxiety drugs. Overdoses can be the result of people taking the medication and then before that med has time to act taking more. Certainly, confusion and forgetting what was taken can play a role. Still, the overwhelming conclusion is that many of these drug overdoses deaths in seniors are the result of intentional abuse rather than accidental overdose. Recreational use of these drugs by seniors is the dominant problem.

Some of these overdose deaths come from the cumulative effects of multiple drugs take together. One study found that among seniors, those taking eight or more prescribed medications had a 100% chance that two of them were interacting and causing an unintended result.  It is recommended that anyone taking medications carry a list of those medications with them and let their treating professions see what they are taking. It also helps to get all your prescriptions filled at one pharmacy. That list should include over the counter and street drugs also. Your doctor and pharmacist need to know about all the drugs you take.

Sometimes suicide is the reason for senior drug overdose deaths.

It seems possible that some of these reported “accidental” drug overdoses are in fact deliberate. We know that older people have increased rates of suicide attempts. The older a person gets the more the chances that they will attempt suicide. Before we alibi this as somehow related to incurable diseases or right to die issues, we need to also consider the way in which seniors are routinely hidden away and marginalized. Society’s discard of the elderly has resulted in a great national resource that is being wasted as the elderly have progressively less of a role in society.

Accepting high rates of addiction, alcoholism, and suicide among the elderly as inevitable diminishes us all. Loss of hope fuels drug use, as well as suicidal thinking at all ages and particularly so as the years, add up.

For the record drugs as a way to end one’s life is neither a reliable or painless alternative in many cases.

Alcohol is the lubricant that facilities senior drug abuse.

A large proportion of drug overdoses at all ages are the direct result of having alcohol in the bloodstream. One study reported that binge drinkers are fifty-five times more likely to attempt suicide. Many drug overdose deaths are facilitated by having alcohol in the bloodstream.

V. A. reported that half of their hospital beds are attributable to alcohol-related health problems. Among the seniors, one drink per day may be way too much given the other medications and health-related problems.

As we age the percentage of water in our bodies tends to decline. Less water results in a higher blood alcohol content. With age, the blood flow through the liver declines. If you drink the same amount each day, at age 90 your blood alcohol will be 50% higher than it was at 20. The amount of alcohol that used to be tolerable now results in intoxication.

Alcohol abuse by seniors often goes unrecognized, the symptoms attributed to dementia. Alcohol abuse makes the symptoms of cognitive decline worse.

As little as one drink per day results in an 800% increase in the rate of serious falls.

Growing need for senior-specific drug treatment.

There is a rapidly growing need for drug treatment for seniors. Treatment programs are having to modify themselves to meet this need. Seniors often abuse different drugs than younger people. They have been abusing drugs longer and have more health problems as a result. They have mobility issues, can’t get into bunk beds, or may need the program to be wheelchair or handicap accessible.

Abuse of drugs and alcohol by seniors is not something we should accept. If you or someone you know has a problem with substances, please talk with your doctor or seek out professional help. Abusing substances reduces the quality of life at any age and the older we get the more that drug will steal away what is left of your life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Boost your willpower.

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7

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Willpower.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Simple ways to increase your willpower.

Willpower, both the making yourself do unpleasant things and the “won’t power” type where you have to pass up things that might not be good for you, are often in short supply. Some people just seem to have plenty of willpower and other people are constantly running out.

Whatever supply of willpower you have, it seems to be at its peak in the early part of the day and then declines as the day moves on. Start your day with a good supply and you will get a lot more go out of your willpower. Here are some ways to recharge that willpower supply of yours.

Get more sleep for more willpower.

Lack of sleep, an adequate amount, can cause all sorts of problems. When you are tired you do not feel like doing things, particularly things that will require a lot of willpower. People who get enough sleep appear to have an extra dose of willpower as a result of that dose of sleep.

Sleep is the “low hanging” fruit of self-care. Add in a healthy diet, some exercise, and some emotionally healthy things, and your willpower is bound to expand.

Improve your support system and improve your willpower.

Having people on your side helps stretch your willpower. People who support you can encourage you to do the hard things that require more willpower. They can also support you in avoiding those things that are not healthy. People who have lots of friends are less troubled about willpower than those who have few friends.

Make sure these friends are positive. Remember that resisting peer pressure thing? Well, resisting peer pressure uses up tons of willpower. Having good friends that support you in doing the right thing will get you extra miles out of your existing willpower.

Manage your blood sugar to manage willpower.

Low blood sugar makes you feel tired and irritable. Eating a healthy diet and maintaining proper blood sugar can both help you have the energy to do the hard stuff. Not feeling out of sorts can also help you avoid the arguments and conflicts that come more frequently when you are low on brain fuel.

Careful though, over the long-term, high blood sugars, the kind that can lead to or be the result of diabetes, can cause you to just not want to do anything. Not sure? Talk to your doctor about your blood sugar. Do not wait until your body is totally out of go to get that diabetes diagnosis. Knowledge is power, especially in the health area.

Create a schedule – making choices uses up willpower.

People report that they have less difficulty with willpower early in the day. The first few things go well. But as you do more and more your willpower gets used up. Each time you have to make another decision you use some more of that precious willpower.

Start your day with a lot of those willpower-sapping decisions already done. End your day by making a list of the things you are going to need to do tomorrow. Each successive act you take needs less willpower as you just keep working your way down the list.

Establish routines to maximize willpower.

Routines become automatic default settings in your brain. If you do things in a certain order, that takes the pressure off you to decide what to do first, second, and so on. Use your daily outline as a tool to propel you through the rest of the day’s activities without having to think each choice through all over again.

Write out your goals and look at this list often.

Out of sight out of mind especially applies to things that are harder to do. Make a written list of goals. Reward yourself as you accomplish each goal on your list. Reminding yourself why you are doing things today that are hard to do because you are working towards a set goal, can make staying on task much easier.

Rearrange your environment to reduce temptations – people, places, and things.

Does it take willpower to stay focused? Reduce the distractions in your environment. Do not go to places where you will be tempted and then blame your fall on your lack of willpower. Bakeries are not places to stay on your diet and bars will not be good places to help you avoid drinking.

Do you get distracted by social media or videos? Close the windows, turn off the set, and see how much less willpower it takes when you are in the place to do what needs doing.

If you slip do not stay down – the F&@*it’s.

A single slip in your willpower is not an excuse to say that you just “can’t” do something. Learn from that slip and make the changes you need to make in order to stay on track. Giving up after one set back is a way to shrink your willpower.

Break tasks up into manageable chunks.

Facing one huge task can overwhelm anyone’s store of willpower. Break that task up into small pieces. Need to write a report – make up a list of the steps and check one or two off each day. Over time you will make amazing progress.

Trying to improve your life? You can’t do everything in one day. Make a few small changes and then practice these over and over. Of course, if your life is way far out of control, like addiction or homelessness you may need to do some of the large work first.  Getting off drugs or finding a safe place to stay is the first job. Making more friends and eating healthy can wait till you’re off the drugs.

Those are some of the suggestions I have found that can help expand that most precious resource willpower. Have you found any other things that help you to have an adequate supply of willpower?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ready for a life makeover?

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1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Spring flowers

Spring is here.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Spring cleaning for your new life.

The winter season is coming to a close. Spring is approaching. Time for spring cleaning and getting the house and you spruced up for a new year. People often get makeovers for their looks and their clothing, sometimes for their places, but have you considered getting a makeover for your life?

Here are some things you may want to consider changing to create a new, clean, and effective new you.

1. Clean out the toxic habits.

Take an inventory of your life. Are there habits that became a part of your life that are toxic? Do you smoke, drink to excess, or do drugs? Would now be a good time to get rid of that habit before it becomes an addiction?

It is not just chemicals, drugs, and alcohol, which may need ejecting from your life. Behaviors can be just as addicting, mentally, and physically, as drugs. What behaviors have taken over your life uninvited?

Do you waste time complaining or gossiping, dwelling on personalities as some like to call it? Would now be a good time to resolve to work on issues rather than talk about people? Are there other habits that are harmful to your happy, productive life?

Have you settled for passive behaviors, watching sports instead of playing them? Are their activities that have become huge time wasters and which add nothing of values to your life? Get rid of the things that waste your time and spend that time on becoming a better happier you.

2. Update your friend’s list.

Do you have people in your life who are on the friend’s list, the electronic friends or associates you hang out with, that are bad for your emotional health? Consider if there are people you have been calling friends that are anything but a friend.

Is it time to work on making some new friends? Get yourself out there, say hi, put your hand out and start making new friends. You will begin to copy the people you hang out with. Show me your friends and this will tell us who you are.  Maybe your friends need an upgrade?

3. Shop for some new options – set new goals.

Has your life drifted into a rut? Are you aimlessly drifting along in life? It may be time to set new goals, rearrange your priorities, and head off in a new direction.

Were there things that you said you will do someday? Have you done them? Do not wait to create your “bucket list” until you are too old and weak to carry a bucket. If you knew time was running out, what would you want to do? Why not start doing those someday thinks today?

4. Refurbish your career.

Do you have a job or do you have a career? Work on creating a job that you enjoy going to. Make it into a career. Find something to do that you feel good about and you will find work is less of a chore and more of a life mission. Why do unpleasant work when you can do something you love all day and get paid for it?

Has your career gotten shabby and worn? Does it fit who you have become? Is it time to start shopping for ways to rework that career? Get more training, look for more opportunities in the place you work, or possibly launch out in a whole new direction.

In your lifetime you probably will need to move a bunch of times and if you are like most people you will end up changing jobs many times in your life. Start planning where you want to land when you leave where you are.

5. Get a new look.

Does your wardrobe need updating? Maybe just some outfits that are less shabby and worn? If you remember when you got that article of clothing, the decade, rather than where it may be time for a change.

6. Fix up your nest.

You spend a lot of time where you live. Make it as comfy and cozy as possible. Most people have accumulated more stuff than they can use. Do you live in the land of clutter? Now is the time to part with the out of date, the things that you keep because you have them not because you want them.

Hang some new pictures, rearrange a few things. What in your living area says “I live here?”

7. Try on some new hobbies.

Is there something you always wanted to try? Is now the time to try out that activity? Take up a new skill. Learn to cook. Find a hobby or craft that suits your lifestyle.

8. Visit some new places.

Get out of the old rut. See some new places, travel a little. Even something as simple as taking a different route to work can spark some new ideas and new experiences.

If a tourist came to your hometown where would you take them? Have you taken yourself there? What wonders await you just around the bend? Seeing things in person is a far different experience than looking at the pictures on the internet. Ask yourself what you would like to see or experience in person.

Attend some festivals. Enjoy the pageantry.  There are annual events all around you. Historical reenactments abound.

9. Make some repairs to your relationship.

Does your relationship need some work? Has it become shabby and run down? Do some things to repair the cracks that have developed between you and your partner. Good relationships require maintenance. The best relationships are between people who, once they notice the relationship has some damage, drop their pride, and work on making the repairs.

What areas of your life need remodeling or repair? Are you ready to start on some personal improvement?

For more on these topics see: Relationships,  Family Problems, Self-improvement   

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why today may be better than you thought.

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6

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Today is going to be a good day.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is today a good day?

Would you recognize a great day if you had one? We humans frequently have a mental bias that results in us seeing the bad and missing the good. If all you look for are the things that went wrong today, over time you will come to think that all days are bad ones and that your life is destined to become unhappy.

If you start looking for the positive experiences in life you will find that every day there are random positive events going on in your life largely unnoticed. Try doing some investigative work and finding these positive events for a more positive life. Here is my list of things you may have missed that could point to your having more good days than you are recognizing.

1. Someone was glad to see you today.

Did your child, partner, or pet greet you this morning? Did they say something to you when you got home? When we are rushing from place to place and person to person we can miss those in our day who were glad to see us.

Did you get a smile or a good morning from a coworker? Did you return that greeting? Work can be stressful at times but watch for those who are positive and glad to see you. Recognizing this greeting can set the tone for the rest of your day.

What about pets? Was there a dog that wagged his tail for you today? Did you stop to pet that creature? Did you get a cat purr? Purring for cats is the equivalent of an audible smile. Make sure you acknowledge that pet of yours. They are wishing you a great day if only you could stop to notice.

2. You like the work you do.

Earning a living can be stressful and make you anxious sometimes. If you have a job you like make sure you notice this and be thankful for it. If you love what you do it can bring joy and happiness to your life. Don’t like what you do? Think about how you can change jobs, start a new career, or look for ways to change your attitude towards the job you do have.

3. You look forward to getting home.

Are there things at home you like to do? People, you enjoy being with? Why or why not?  You work for a living, coming home should not be a chore. If it is, take another look at what you are doing and why. There is no point in putting off being happy to earn a living so you can go home and be unhappy.

Work on your relationships. Get professional help if need be. Look at some blog posts. There have been several on counselorssoapbox on improving your relationships. Do you put the same effort into making your relationships work that you put into building a career? Unhappiness at home carries over into the world of work.

4. You learned something new today.

If you enjoy learning then every day is a chance to learn something new. Those new ideas can go unnoticed in the pile of things we call our “to do” lists. Make it a rule to learn something new each day. Ask your partner or children what they learned today. Share what you learned. See how you can grow and become a better person each and every day.

5. If you solved a problem it was a good day.

Problems crop up all the time. You spend most of your day moving from issue to issue. The end result of all this problem solving is to develop a “problem-saturated” story of your life. Before long you can think that your whole life is one problem after another.

Did you forget all the problems you have solved? Most of us overcome a host of problems each and every day. What we may fail to do is to think back over the day and recognize those successes. Give yourself credit for things that you accomplished. Give yourself a mental round of applause. See you may be a fantastic problem solver, but if all you are remembering is that you faced problems today rather than remembering the ones you solved, life can look like one giant problem.

6. You were of service to someone else.

It is easy to drift into the habit of measuring the day based on what we have and what we receive rather than on the time we were able to be of service. Research has found that doing for others can result in significantly more happiness than being selfish and doing only for yourself.

Have you ever done anything in your life for a child or someone who really needed help? How did that make you feel? Did that child “get over on you” or did it feel good to help someone who needed your help?

If feeling good is so happy-making, why do we all resist being of service to others? Try looking for ways you can do for others and that doing will result in a happier you. Why not be really selfish and do all you can to be of service to others today?

Now that you look at it, was today a better day than you originally thought? What other ways might daily happiness be going unnoticed and unrecorded?

For more on this topic see the other counselorssoapbox.com post under Happiness.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

.

Is your problem drugs or people?

Posted on by
2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs.

Drugs.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Are people in your life making too much out of your recreational drug use?

A number of people recently have been describing how they do not feel they have a problem with drugs. They are not addicted. They have or have had a job. There have been no awful withdrawal symptoms. These people report that they are not addicted and that they just use drugs for fun. These conversations have been both in person and via mail or chat.

The common complaint is that others in this person’s life are being unreasonable and are upset because this person wants to have fun. The common thread in these conversations is that these others are off base because they object to the person I am talking with have fun, enjoying themselves, and doing drugs recreationally.

This blog post is of course written in generalities. I do not know each reader’s situation. Your situation may be very different from the ones I will describe. Let’s take a look at some of these interpersonal conflicts that occur around drug use and how both the user and others in their life are perceiving this recreational drug use. Below are some of the people who have objected to someone’s drug use.

The topic is drugs but as far as I am concerned alcohol should get lumped in as a drug. Alcohol alters consciousness and it impairs functioning at times. Our societal attitude to alcohol may be less rigid than the attitude towards other drugs but those attitudes are changing and penalties for doing things while intoxicated continue to increase.

Your Spouse or romantic partner objects to your drug use.

Often the first person to notice a problem with your drug use will be a close romantic partner.  So you need to ask yourself did this person have a problem with your behavior before you two moved in together or has their opinion changed and why?

If they said nothing before you became a couple but are now asking you to cut out or stop your drug use what has changed? If situations have changed, you have kids, need to make a house payment and so on that may be the reason they are talking differently now. They may just have thought that once you were in a committed relationship you would act more grown-up.

Some people are ready to settle down for the kids and the future before others. Consider which is more important, your ability to do all the drugs you want because you do not see them as being a problem or making your partner happy and being a good parent?

It is also possible that the people in your house can see the signs of trouble in you before you can see them. If more than one person has complained about your partying, you need to look at this carefully.

Do your parents criticize your drug use?

One big reason that parents tell their kids that drugs or alcohol is a problem? Because they have done those things and gotten themselves in trouble. That or they grew up in an environment where people were acting irresponsibly as a result of substances.  It is rarely because your parents are trying to hog all the fun.

As people grow up there is a tendency to push parents away, separate yourself, and become who you are as an individual. Some people pick a new career, change their religious preference, or join another political party.

Other people dabble with drugs and alcohol. If your parents are noticing your drug use, then it is likely that you are already having problems. If when you use bad things have happened, you need to take another look at that use.

Are coworkers commenting on your drug use?

If your coworkers are expressing concern about your substance use then it is likely that your use has interfered with your job performance.

Frequently I hear that the person’s drug use is not causing any problems. They might say something like “The only one I am hurting is me.”

If you are missing work, coming in late on Mondays, or calling in sick a lot, the truth is your drug use is making your coworker’s life harder when they have to cover for you.

Your boss knows you are partying.

Bosses often notice an employee has a problem early on. Many people in drug treatment have to deal with the added issue of having been fired from several jobs. Bosses may ask you if there is something going on, problems at home? If your performance has gone downhill, is substandard, or you are late and absent a lot your partying is getting in the way of having a job.

Police contact suggests something is wrong.

If you are having issues with the police then ask yourself, would you have those same issues if you were not doing drugs or drinking? Yes, you can do what you want with your life, but if it is impairing your ability to drive, getting you into fights, or attracting the notice of the police then there is something wrong.

Did the Judge say you needed treatment?

If the judge says you need a drug treatment program then you need one. Why? Not necessarily because your drug use is that bad. You may not be an addict. Yet. But the fact that you are in front of the judge and that this person knows about your drinking and drugging tells us that your use has become a problem. Maybe it is only a legal problem, but it is still a problem.

Are you on parole or probation?

If you are on Parole or Probation take another look at you. When you are trying to get your life straight any drug use, alcohol included, can impair your judgment and send you back.

You say “I should be able to do what I want?” Maybe, someday. But really is your right to drink or drug more important than staying out of jail?

Consider that one study concluded the vast majority of people in prison were drunk or high in the 24 hours before they committed the crime that put them away. Alcohol and drugs are not your friends. Not the kind of friends that want you to stay out anyway.

The person who was injured in the accident you had knows it’s a problem.

If you hurt someone either intentionally or accidentally while under the influence, that was like not cool. Everyone can have an accident, but if you were high when it happened we think this is not so much an accident as a case of your ability to function was impaired and your hurt someone else as a result.

Clearly, you were not just hurting yourself.

Did you know there are countries in Europe where the legal limit for a DUI is point-zero-two (.02)? That’s right- one drink and you can’t drive over there.

Will all these reasons keep people from drinking and using?

Not likely. Many people will still say that they should be able to do what they want because they are only hurting themselves. Every year a whole new crop of humans will experiment with drugs and alcohol. But if you find that any of the people on this list are complaining about your drinking and drugging then maybe you need to take a hard look at how much of your life you are giving up to do those things.

For more on this topic see:

Drug Use, Abuse, and Addiction

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can’t make up your mind? Indecision, rumination and depression.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Hard to choose?

Indecision, rumination, and depression.

If you can’t make up your mind it may be because you are depressed. Indecision is a common result of depression and certain types of rumination ramp this symptom up.

When you are depressed it becomes incredibly difficult to decide. Even a little depression can make decisions difficult and a significant level of depression can make decision-making impossible. How you are thinking about things, especially rumination, makes this indecision worse.

Depression impairs decision-making.

Depressed people tend to rely on others to make their decisions for them. If you find you don’t trust yourself to make a decision and you expect someone else to decide for you, it is time to take a look at this.

Depressed people tend to brood about things, turn them over and over in their heads. The thinking part bogs down. The tendency is to look for global abstract reasons. What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me? What you need to be asking yourself is, how you are going to get this done.

Depressed people stop trusting themselves. They do not use their intuition; that gut-level information based on experience. When depressed do you stop trusting your judgment and start over-thinking everything?

Many of the symptoms of depression involve reduced ability to make decisions. When depressed there is less rational reasoning coupled with low activity levels. Can’t do and can’t decide defines depression. There is also less information gathering going on. The result of all this avoiding making decisions and self-doubt is an increase in negative emotions. Increasing negative emotions creates more severe depression and so the cycle goes.

Indecision and low self-esteem.

Indecisiveness has been linked to low self-esteem. Can’t decide you feel bad about yourself. Feel bad about yourself you will find it hard to decide. The result if indecision is more procrastination. One culprit in this indecision, low self-esteem connection is that ancient enemy perfectionism.

Perfectionists have trouble deciding.

If you are one of those people who are trying to be perfect, a largely neurotic trait, you will never make it. The search for the perfect prevents what can be.

This human fallacy, the search for abstract universal answers, leads to the wrong conclusions. It is not “why do bad things happen to me” or anyone else. The questions you should be asking is what are you going to do now and how will you do it.

We should note here that researchers have concluded that not having a good vocabulary to describe what and how you are feeling can result in an increased risk of depression. You need to have words for the feelings to begin to work on the consequences.

Rumination does more than result in an increased risk of depression and more difficulty making decisions. Depressed people who do decide are less committed and more likely to have difficulty following through on the course of action they have decided on.

The solution to all this indecision, rumination, depression, resulting in more indecision trap?

Gather all the information you can. Make the best decision you can and then stick with it until contrary information comes in. Stop looking for global reasons and look for the facts in this specific instance.

If indecision is plaguing you or you feel like simple decisions are beyond your ability consider getting some professional help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel