How heavy is your baggage – Unpacking your baggage.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Baggage

Baggage.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Just what do you have packed away in your baggage?

The idea that we all have some baggage, things that connect us to our past, and that we keep carrying around with us, is common currency. We find that if we fill our lives up with that left-over stuff from the past then there is no room for making new experiences and memories in the present.

The result is that people continue to live in the past weighed down by their pain and suffering when they could just pitch some of that stuff and move on. Easy to say, this is really hard to do.

Unpacking that trunk is a task the may require some help. Professional helpers spend a lot of time working with people on healing from the past. Please consider getting some of that help. I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford help. That is an excuse, not a reason. Last year there was a post on “How to get help when you do not have money.”

The short version is that if you are really that impacted by the pain of the past there are those who will help you with this unpacking task. Therapists, peer counselors, religious leaders, and sometimes friends can all be of service here.

Beware of friends who want to take things out oh and ah over how awful that was and then help you put the thing back in the trunk for safekeeping.

If you want to move forward in having a happy life you need to start tossing that garbage.

Unpacking this trunk is a messy business. There may be some things you want to keep. Let’s see what you might find in your trunk.

There is that large bottle of jealousy and anger that you filled up during a series of particularly nasty fights you had with the ex. Your anger has spilled over everything.

Down towards the bottom is a photo album that has the pictures of the birth of your child and their first step. When you look inside there is your ex in those pictures. That is how those kids came about. How do you toss the anger towards your ex without tossing the pictures that remind you of the birth of your children?

So there will be some large things that got all messy and painful that we need to get rid of.  And mixed in there may be some small pieces of treasures we don’t want to toss.

Some trunks wiggle around on their own. Looks like a lion in there. When we open that one up for a peak the lion tries to stick its head out and eat us. We don’t want to face that one. The temptation is to slam the lid shut and never look in there again. The downside to that is that this is a really heavy trunk we have to carry around forever to avoid dealing with that creature in there.

This unpacking time is when you most need help. A good professional lion tamer with a chair and a whip can keep that lion at bay. Sometimes though, once that initial roar is over what we find is that lion, it is a very small scared little house cat. Having a friend look in the trunk with us can help with perspective. We think we have a lion, they laugh and tell us their cat is bigger than that. Now together you can deal with this unruly animal.

There are times that in unpacking the trunk of the past you will find some really awful things. Learn that if a real lion jumps out you can’t solve this problem by trying to put it back in the trunk and pretend it isn’t there.

Sometimes the only way to deal with a really awful creature in the trunk is to open the door; get out-of-the-way and just let it go. Don’t hang onto it anymore, just be glad it is gone.

There may be a few things from the past that you will keep anyway. That photo album of the kids and the good times, you may want to keep that even if it is stained by the anger and hurt of the arguments that came after. Some of those painful things made you who you are and you don’t want to forget how you got to be the person you are today.

Most of the stuff in this baggage is just junk. Stuff you were carrying around that is of no further use to you but you were not sure you were ready to pitch it. Have your friend or helper work with you and toss out everything you no longer need. You are about to take a journey on the road to a new happy life and you will need to get rid of all the baggage you can dispose of.

Repack what’s left along with your list of values and goals in a small overnight bag and let’s get going!

Some of us find this is harder than just cleaning out that one trunk full of baggage. What if you are an emotional hoarder? What if you have not one, but a whole bunch of containers full of baggage? You have accumulated so much emotional wreckage that you just don’t know where to begin.

You may need to do a couple of things before you are ready to move on. Next, we will talk about figuring where all this baggage came from, a look at the past. We will also need to take some inventory of the emotional baggage contents to help with the “what to keep and what to pitch” part. You may decide to keep some parts of you even if they are not fully perfect.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Danger at the crossroad – changes you can’t take back.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Road

Road to a happy life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Linger at the fork in the road – you won’t come this way again.

So you have reached that fork in the road. You have been in pain or unhappiness too long and have determined to set off on a quest for the happy life you want. You know you do not want to go back and if you wait too long that is exactly what will happen, you will get sucked back into the quagmire of pain and misery. So you are anxious to set off.

Which way should you go?

This is a common problem for people in recovery. People in recovery from depression, anxiety, a bad relationship, or an addiction all reach this place of the crossroad. You will need a warning about the potential danger before you make a choice.

Forks in the road don’t lead off in just two directions. There are three. You could go back the way you came. Given the choice between two potential new lives, many of us will avoid the uncertainty and turn around and return to our misery. Going back is the most common choice and also often the worst one. But that is not the only danger here.

I will not argue with you which path you should take. That is your choice and yours alone. Some people prefer the well-trod path and go that way. Clearly many others have gone that way. Some of you may pick the road less traveled, for better or worse you decide to strike out and explore that route.

Some few of you in the rush to reach a new destination will head out across the wilderness looking for a shortcut. There are no shortcuts to happiness. Occasionally someone tries to make a new path and they are successful. You might be that one, but we find a lot of skeletons in the desert, people who wandered off the trail and got lost far away from civilization.

If you are fortunate there will be an information booth at this fork in the road.  This is one time it pays to ask for directions. The people at the booth can’t tell you which path is right for you, but they can tell you the reports from up ahead on the roads.

Recovery groups will suggest that you linger a while at the fork in the road. They don’t call it that but that is the way I see it.

What you are likely to be told is that during the first year in recovery; do not make any changes that you can’t take back. If you have a job, don’t quit it. If you are in a relationship don’t end it precipitously. And for sure do not jump into a new relationship. Give yourself time to figure this out.

The reason for this advice is that having left where you were before, a place of pain and unhappiness, you will begin to feel all sorts of feelings. One way our emotional memory protects us from pain is to shut down feelings, sometimes called dissociation. I think there are levels or variations in the experience of dissociation.

Having been through a period of time where you tried to avoid feeling because of the pain, or where your mind helped you out and did this for you, you will suddenly begin to feel all kinds of feelings and you may not know what to do with them.

People in substance abuse recovery frequently find that they have suppressed their appetite for all sorts of things and they go seeking to fill those cravings. Sudden sexual feelings are common. So are cravings for excitement and novelty.

So if you are coming from a place of a bad past, linger before committing to an uncertain future. Don’t quit the job that has been stressful right away, but begin to explore ways to make this job less stressful or what else would you want to do.

If you were married young and never got to date be especially careful of the one who comes along and you say they are what I have been missing out on. In this highly emotional state of early recovery what we see in the opportunities are what we want them to be not the reality of what they are.

That new job on the other coast sounds perfect until you give up everything to move there. That new partner, there is a reason their last ex left, and you need to take your time to check this out. Make sure you see things and people as they are not as you want them to be. Explore your options and keep options open as long as you can.

So here you sit, at that fork in the road ready for a whole new life. You are lingering to think things over and getting back reports on the road ahead. You are anxious to be off on the trip to a happy life. Just one thing.

That trunk you are sitting on is full of a lot of very heavy baggage.

What to do with that baggage is the focus of our next post.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Would a Genie help? Happiness by magic

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happiness by magic wand.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Magic is about to happen.

In this quest for a happy life, it is easy to get confused, lost, and turned around. Sometimes we stumble over an obstacle or two or even end up in a deep hole. We lose sight of where we are going and get stuck in just getting by each day. The solution to our problems may be just around the other side of that big rock over there or behind any tree but if you are tired and discouraged, then it is hard to keep going.

Time for the Genie

Genies are magical creatures that can clap their hands, wave a wand, and change things instantly. Wands used to be exclusively for use by fairies but that was back when fairies were predominantly heterosexual. These days Genies have taken up using magic wands. Wands appear to work regardless of your sexual preference.

So imagine with me that you have just encountered a Genie carrying his magic wand. Because you and you alone have seen him he grants you 3 magic wishes. You must use them now or lose them. There are no “do-overs” and wishing for more wishes is not allowed.

What would you want?

This magic wish question is helpful in discovering our real desires. Not the things we say we want or the things we know we are supposed to want, but what do you really want?

I have asked this question of people young and old, on crisis psychiatric units and in residential treatment. The answers I get are amazing.

Some children list things – lots of things, that new video game and a better smartphone and – and –and. Other kids say things like “I wish my parents didn’t fight.” They want a safe place to live or food to eat. They are wishing for the things that are the necessities of life in my book.

So what three wishes do you have for this Genie?

Write those wishes down. Pull out the list of values you made earlier. If you are just joining us we made a list of values, things that really matter to us earlier. You can look back at that post if you chose.

Make sure these wishes are consistent with your values. Now keep that list of wishes. Take it out on a regular basis and see if you are any closer to these goals. Be forewarned that just accomplishing a goal will not make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. But you will never move forward if you don’t have a clear vision of where you want to go.

An example of progress towards happiness may help.

Let’s say that your values were that you wanted to have a better relationship with your kids. Your religious and spiritual values are really important to you. Right now you are stressed out from work and overcome with bills. That financial and job stress is making you so upset that you can’t really be present when you are with your kids. You find that when you are around them you are short-tempered and grouchy. So two of your wishes to the Genie were; that you had a less stressful job and that your bills were paid off.

Now you need to have a conversation with the Genie.

He could eliminate the job stress by getting you fired. No job, no stress – is that what you want?  Or he could give you some magic herbs that reduce stress. Careful here, lots of people opt for the herbs. You say herbs; the Genie has done his work and is gone. Now, what happens when the herbs run out? Lots of people reach for drugs or medications to relieve stress and discover they have become dependent on them. We call that addiction.

He could solve the bill stress. Get you evicted, no home, no more water, and power, or rent bills. Is that what you had in mind?

What else could the Genie do for you? Maybe he teaches yoga and meditation part-time. He could teach you relaxation techniques. Or he might also moonlight as a CBT therapist and teach you how to avoid “stressing yourself out” over work. Learning ways to reduce your stress at work might be just what the Genie ordered.

The Genie could also get you transferred to another department. But you don’t need him for that. You can put in for that transfer all on your own.

So what you have done here is develop a list of things that you would like the Genie to change. You have also thought about the how, the way in which you want him to make the changes.

For each change you want the Genie to make in your life, record the way in which he would do this and the steps that would take.

You might decide you want a new career. You need more education and training to get that new job. That means going back to school, which means applying to get in and taking a placement test. Don’t overload yourself. You did not give the Genie a time deadline to get this done. You just want him to start making the changes and so you need to know what the steps are that will make up those changes.

Wait – before you run out the door and start making all these changes. The Genie is trying to tell you something.

You are at the crossroads in your life and there is always danger at the crossroads. You need to hear what the Genie says about those dangers.

Next post I will tell you what the Genies warning was.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do you most want in your life?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you most want in your life?

What really matters in your life – getting clear about values.

What we do in life is driven by our values. If it matters to you then you will put the effort into making it happen.

The major reason so many people fail to reach their objectives in life is a failure to be clear on their values.

If you are chasing a dream because it matters to others but this is not what you really care about deep down inside your efforts at those critical moments will not be made with all your might.

A first step in having a happier life is to get very clear about your values.

What is really important to you?

Clients in crisis tell us they are confused. They don’t know what to do. Sometimes even a simple choice is overwhelming. This stems from unclear values. Last year I wrote a post about how we might help clarify values in a group setting titled “Clear Values.”

It can be helpful to work on defining values in a group. Friends or fellow group members can help with feedback. But if you don’t have those friends here is a suggestion for working on setting some values.

Take out a piece of paper. Do this, please. Thinking about it without writing it down will result in you forgetting things that should be on the list. After we are done you can destroy the list if you chose, but most people end up keeping this list for a very long time.

Make a list of as many things as you possibly can that are important to you. What would you like if you could have it all! Go wild and be creative. Try to avoid censoring these wants as they come. The point in brainstorming is to get as many ideas as possible.

Go ahead I can wait.

When I do this with clients they end up with lots of things. They want to be rich, have a good-paying job, a great partner that loves them, lots of sex, a new car, a big house, all their bills paid, their health, happiness, a good relationship with their children, their faith or religion, self-respect, their sobriety, getting even with that Ex, and a vacation to Europe. See how this list can go?

Now with that list in hand look the list over again and if you can only have one thing on this list which one will it be?

Be careful with your choices. Having a lot of money is not the same thing as being able to buy the things you want. To buy that new big screen you may have to forgo money in the bank and to have the money in the bank then the vacation, or your child’s school activity may have to go.

Would you want to be rich if it cost you your children and your health? Would you take the car if it cost you your sobriety or your self-respect? Will you pick the great sex if it cost you ever having a partner that loves you?

I can’t tell you what you should pick; it is your life after all. What we do find when we limit people to one thing, most often that item they pick is an intangible like family, self-respect, freedom, or their spiritual faith. If you grew up in poverty then having enough money may have another significance to you. Money is not the same thing as freedom from financial worry.

If you picked money, then your courses are simple. There are things you can do to make lots of money and you will do them even if it costs you family, friends, and self-respect. But if family is at the top, or spiritual faith, then this will influence your actions.

Finding happiness is like chasing a dog in the park. No matter how hard it is to catch that dog, if when you get him, he isn’t your dog, you will be disappointed.

At this point, some of you will be complaining. I made you choose between your family and your self-respect. How can you choose between happiness and sobriety? Do you really have to choose between someone who loves you and great sex? Don’t happiness and spiritual faith go together?

Yes, plenty of the time you can have two or three of these things. But sometimes you have to make a choice. You may have to choose between your partner, your family or your sobriety. You may need to choose between your self-respect and family. So if you had to choose, how you make that decision would really matter.

But let’s make it easier for you. Pick a second choice of things that really matter to you. What would go on your list in the second spot? Did that new car slip in right after your family?

Lastly, pick a third thing. Now you have a list of three things that are really important to you. Happiness for you will involve efforts to improve these three areas of your life. This third choice might well be a more selfish or materialist choice than the first two. That is OK. As long as you set your priorities you will know how to make decisions when it comes to that.

Now that you have a list of the three things that most matter to you, this should guide your search for happiness. Make sure all the things you do this year to increase your happiness are consistent with these values. Keep looking at these values, happiness will be found near them.

Values are not the goals of your life. You want good relationships with your kids. You may not get that. But values should guide your actions because if you reach a goal and it has taken you farther away from your values that will not be consistent with finding happiness.

Goals are about the paths you will travel, values are the way in which you will walk on those paths. In another post, we will talk about setting goals.

Just because we have identified values does not mean you will be able to instantly move to having a happy life. There are obstacles in your way. This journey takes a lifetime. So far we are working on packing a small travel bag to take with us on the journey. The list of values goes in our travel bag.

But be careful. There is still that huge trunk full of baggage from our unhappy past that is sitting by the door. All that stuff from the past will surely be a lot to carry on this happy life journey.

First, we will need some other tools for our travel kit and then we need to lighten that baggage.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

If you go to the psychiatric hospital are you crazy? Involuntary holds

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2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Former psychiatric hospital

Psychiatric hospital.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Why do people get hospitalized? Can I send my child or partner there?

There are a lot of misconceptions about going to a psychiatric hospital, who goes and why. In this post, I want to talk with you about some general information about what it means to be in or be sent to a psychiatric hospital.

This may vary from hospital to hospital and from jurisdiction to jurisdiction so for legal information check with the laws or a lawyer in your area.

It is not the people with the most serious mental illnesses that end up in the hospital. Our policies around this have changed a lot over the last century.

There was a time when people were sent to psychiatric hospitals for long periods of time. Stays of a year or more used to be common in the days before medication. Today most hospital stays are as short as possible. The use of medications has shortened stays considerable and so have patient rights laws.

There was a time when a man could put his wife away in a hospital and then get to spend more time with his girlfriend. Families would try to put away people who had a lot of money or were eccentric, to get control of their assets. There were a lot of abuses as a result of having others in the family say you were crazy and then hospitalizing you. Once people got into the hospital it used to be hard to get out. Not anymore.

There are two ways that you might get hospitalized, voluntary, and involuntary.

Voluntary psychiatric hospitalization.

If you go in voluntarily you need a lot of money. A single day could cost thousands of dollars. But just saying you want in will not get you a bed in most hospitals. A doctor needs to say that you have a psychiatric issue that would benefit from hospitalization.  Beds in psychiatric hospitals are at such a premium that you don’t get to stay just because you want to be in the hospital.

If you enter on a voluntary status you are entitled to leave anytime you want regardless of what the doctor says. There may be legal ways for the doctor to keep you by moving you to an involuntary hold but those laws get complicated.

Involuntary psychiatric hospitalization.

People are placed in the hospital involuntarily because they are in a crisis that cannot be resolved on an outpatient basis.

Involuntary holds vary from place to place. In most jurisdictions, there are three reasons you might be placed on an involuntary hold.

1. If you are suicidal.

If you are a danger to yourself, suicidal, you can be put on a hold and kept in the hospital in most places. You stay there until the thoughts of suicide are reduced enough that the treating psychiatrist no longer feels you are a serious threat to take your own life.

2. Are you Homicidal?

The second reason to involuntarily hospitalize you would be if you have a plan to kill a specific person and you will not back down on this. You will stay in the hospital as long as the staff thinks you still plan to kill someone.

This is sometimes referred to as a “danger to others.” This is easily misunderstood.

3. Are you gravely disabled?

If you have food, clothing, and shelter but can’t figure out how to use these things, we might need to hospitalize you to protect you. This person would be referred to as gravely disabled.

Someone may have a serious and persistent mental illness, they are very impaired, but if they can be maintained on an outpatient basis with meds or therapy. They may never end up in the hospital.

Someone who was just laid off or served with divorce papers may end up in the hospital because while upset or angry they think of hurting themselves or others. After a few days in the hospital they change their mind and are sent home. They may never experience a recurrence of these feelings. We still recommend therapy for a while just to make sure they are OK.

The conclusions about involuntary commitments.

1. It is not always the most severely mentally ill that goes to the hospital. It is the people who need to be protected from themselves and others that spend time on an involuntary hold.

2. Just because someone has a severe mental illness does not allow professionals to lock them away. They need to also be currently a danger to themselves or others or gravely disabled.

3. There are currently not many other options for monitoring someone who is mentally ill. They either meet criteria to be hospitalized or they don’t. If they do meet the criteria they stay till they stop being a risk to themselves and others. If they don’t they can’t usually go to the hospital even if they want to.

4. Other options to make help more available to the mentally ill short of a return to full hospitalization are urgently needed.

There is so much more that needs to be said on this topic but I will close for now, but there will be more to follow.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Who are you? Who do you want to be?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self-Exploration

Self-Exploration
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Planning the destination for your life’s journey.

We are now into the new year.

Some of you made resolutions for New Year and some of you didn’t.

Either way, these first breaths of the new year are a good time to take a look at yourself, your life, and what you want it to be.

A first place to start is to take a hard look at ourselves. Most of us are used to muddling along, trying to remember those directions in our head but never really putting them down on paper and being sure of the direction we need to take. Now is a time to change that.

We have talked about happiness and over this year defining happiness and finding ways to get there are high on our agenda. But you can’t start any journey until you know where you are. In twelve-step terms, this is called an inventory and there are specific directions in the books on how to do this. In the language of therapy, we might call this an assessment.

I am not suggesting that you need to become an expert on diagnosis to move to happiness. Guess what? There are counselors who are not happy. The precise definition of your issue is not as important as your own appraisal of where you have been and how can you move forward from that place. We will break this process up into some steps.

One way to begin work on this life improvement project would be to begin creating a manual for your life. While we are all willing to contribute to this work, you as the expert on your life need to do the work of assembling this manual. Personally, I use a loose-leaf binder and paper to keep this record. This allows me to make lists, revise them, and move them around. This is sometimes called a sectional journal.

Some of the things you will have thought about so far are:

1. What will make you really truly happy?

This is all about finding real lasting happiness. As you will probably soon find, this is not about taking shortcuts and momentary pleasures. Your life journey should include some of those “right now” fun times, but it needs a longer range goal to give it meaning and purpose.

2. What does success mean to you?

Lots of us find we are taking someone else’s journey and therefore never get where we wanted to go. You need to decide for yourself what would make you happy and what success means to you. That is the destination part of the process.

You may begin by deciding to do something that you have never done before. For some people, they will find they have never finished a project they started, never completed school. They will decide that is where they need to go – for now. You may decide to finish your high school diploma or get a GED.

Later, once you get to this destination, it does not mean the journey is over. In life, we keep reevaluating and then setting new goals.

3. How will you know if your life changes?

Therapists call this the “miracle question.” If one morning a miracle was to occur and your life’s problems were all solved, how would we know this? What would be different?

All last year we talked about diseases and disorders, the problems of living. Maybe for a good part of your life, you have had nothing but struggles. So my asking you to imagine a happy successful life, that may be a bit of a stretch.

Give it a try anyway.

Make up a list of things that would be different. Write this list down if it is safe to do so. If you don’t feel safe in making lists and writing them down, then tackling that lack of safety is the first thing you need to do.

Is this fear about you or about them? If it is only about you then take a chance, write down anything. It does not need to be complete or even right. It just needs to reflect how you feel right now. Tomorrow is a new day and you can revise these lists at any point.

If you find that the fear is about them, the others in your life, then you either need to reword the things you write so you will not care if they read them or you may really need to consider if this is such a bad relationship that you need to run not walk away. In that case, reach out for professional help.

So you write down that first provisional list. Things that I would like to be different in my life. Try to keep that list between 3 and 10 things. If it gets longer than that take the list and save it but makeup draft number two by combining things down.

Say your list came up with 8 bills you want to pay off and 3 things you would like to replace you might simplify this by saying 1. Reduce my bills 2. Save up enough money to replace some things. Now you have two doable goals.

There may be some other things that some of you need to do.

One thing that would be wise to do is think about these goals. Will accomplishing them really take you to a place of happiness? We should talk soon about values. These goals of your happy life should be consistent with your values, religious and spiritual as well as material. It won’t do to achieve your happy life goals only to find that to reach them you needed to turn into a person even you don’t like.

By now most of you who are reading this have lived a while. You may have a lot of pain from your life so far. In popular language, you may have some baggage that will hold you back on this happy life journey. We will need to talk about how to leave some baggage behind and how to unpack some to lighten the load.

So let’s go there next.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you successful?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is success – How will you know when you get there?

Lots of people would say success is having some amount of money or material things. We might each have a different idea of just how much that would be.

Some people would say they want to be a millionaire. Other people will tell us that they just want to have enough to get by, though their definition of getting by may vary widely. So how will you know when you get there?

A million dollars you say? Is that “have a million in the bank to spend” or earn a million this year? People who earn more find they have to spend more. This is a cycle that never ends. At $25,000 per year over the 45 years most Americans work, you will earn 1 and ¼ million dollars.  Yet most people will tell you that in America it is hard to live on $25,000 per year.

Still, there are people in other places on earth that live on $500 per year or less. While they are poor and they have to struggle for food and medical care, are we really sure they are any less happy in their lives than we are? Some of you are aware that an expensive cage does not make for freedom; it only makes for a fancier cage.

So besides just an absolute amount of money in life, something else may determine if we consider ourselves successful.

Who is more successful, the man with a lot of money whom everyone hates and disrespects or the man of moderate means who has lots of friends and everyone likes? Do the opinions of others influence your idea of success?

How many home runs do you need to hit to be a success? Does it matter if you had to take steroids to hit that many?

What makes us feel successful may be a gender thing. Men are traditionally considered successful and they rate themselves based on the things they have and the things they have accomplished in their lives. Women traditionally rated themselves on their relationships. Had they done a good job of raising their children? Does their partner love them?

Women have told me that they would be OK living in a car as long as they knew their partner loved them. Men say if their family had to live in a car they would feel like a failure.

What is your definition of success? What things, tangible, and intangible do you need to have to be successful?

Now, as we are starting this new year, might be a good time to sit down and make up a list of the things that you feel you need to make you feel successful. Do you already have those things? What is missing?

The point of writing this list down on paper is to make those thoughts in your head real and tangible. As we go through the year and talk about happiness and success you can pull that list out and review it. Are you making progress on changing yourself and your life? Are you moving towards being a success and away from any other way of being?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Annual Happiness Drive – Please contribute some happiness

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Could you spare a cup of happiness?

Just when you thought the holidays were over and you had seen an end to charity requests, here comes another one.

Wait – don’t go. This one will not cost you a dime.

That’s right, don’t want your money, not now anyway. Later when or if my book comes out you can buy one if you are so inclined. But for now, I am asking –

“Do you have any happiness that you can spare?”

Here is the thing we learn about happiness, when you share it you do not have less. Every time you share your happiness with others there is more until there is more than enough to go around.

So if you can spare a little happiness and send it to me, then I promise to pass it on.

Now you can’t wrap it up and ship it. True happiness is not a thing you can put in a box, it is a feeling. So while you can’t ship happiness to me, you might be able to tell me about it in an email, and then I will be able to share that happiness with you. Then I can pass it on to others.

Now some people mistake things for happiness. They will tell us that they are happy that they got a new car. Sometimes they mistake happiness for having something that is better than what others have.

Please don’t share that “I am happy because I have more than you” with me. Eventually, someone else will come along and have more than you, and then all of us will be unhappy.

What I especially am hoping for during this “Happiness Drive,” are the people who can share with me that one thing that someone said or did for them this year that made them truly happy.

So this might be a kind word or a sunset you shared with a friend. It may be a goal accomplished in your life or a problem solved. For many of you, it will be a new person in your life, a child, grandchild, or friend.

You may have a picture, which is fine if you want to share it. Please keep them small if you can. Not sure how much space we have in this old soapbox. But mostly I would like to hear from you, what made you happy in this last year and how might others be able to share that happiness with you.

As we walk through this year we want to look a lot more at happiness, what it is, how you get some, and how you keep it. It will help us in this task if we know what happiness looks like. That is where those of you who chose to share a little of your happiness comes in. By letting us see how happiness has affected you in your life maybe we can increase it in our lives.

Any contributions of happiness will be appreciated.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

2012 Yearend Wrap up – End of the world, unhappiness and what comes next

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Counselorssoapbox.com

12-31-12

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

This has been some year. For good or bad it is now almost over. Some awful things occurred this year and some wonderful things. Hidden in the gloom of the year past there just may have been some seeds of things to come, which were planted this year. We will need to nurture some of those seeds in the years to come.

Some of the seeds from the past, like violence, need to be weeded out of our future.

Thanks to those of you who have been reading counselorssoapbox through this year. This was the first full year of this blog. Over that year I have learned to do a lot of things that we not even on my “to do” list a year ago. Hopefully, this old dog can continue to learn a few new tricks.

Readership on counselorssoapbox has risen from one or two people a day to hundreds. Some of you have “liked” my posts and some of you have disagreed, which is as it should be.

About that end of the world stuff.

Personally, I am hoping that there was some truth to it. Clearly, most of us are still here and the planet is still spinning, but there are a whole lot of things that we need to put an end to. My thinking is that periodically an “age” comes to an end and the course of the future shifts. If we could change that future what would we need to change?

I am old enough now to know that I am not too good at changing others so If I want any change I need to start by changing me.

This last year the blog has focused on a whole lot of problems. There sure are a lot of them. I have written about mental illness, substance abuse, and the struggles involved in overcoming those issues. It seems to me that it is time for a shift.

It is easy to point to the problems, but what do we do now, where do we go from here? Some of you may have taken note that I have been working on a couple of books that I hope to release before the end of 2013. The focus of those books is on how we recover; bounce back from the events in life that knock us down. I also plan to write more about how you go about planning for more resilience and recovery in your life.

So over the next year, I want to focus more on the road to happiness and less on the pain of the past. Regardless of what issue you are dealing with, I believe in recovery. So let’s spend some time in the year to come talking about how to be well, have a happy life and avoid relapsing into the issues that we have all struggled with.

Don’t think I have all the answers. I have learned a few things so far on this journey of life but every day seems to bring new questions. Chime in here from time to time and help me out with both the answers you have found and the questions that matter to you.

So the discussion needs to swing from diseases and disorders to solutions and recovery. From time to time we may need to go back and talk about a particular problem, but I will try to stay focused on how it is that people with this or that issue still manage to have happy lives.

Some of you are making New Year’s resolutions right about now. We will talk about that in the year to come. Me, I am not big on making resolutions. I do try to make changes, always making changes; I am a work in progress, not a done deal. So for me, change happens day by day. It is not always pretty but it keeps happening.

Please stay tuned and let’s see what we find on this journey towards a happier life.

Photo courtesy of Les Lucas.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Must psychologist report patient planning a crime

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

More about when the therapist breaks confidentiality Reader Question #1

Please with crime scene tape

Do therapists have to report a crime?
Picture courtesy of pixabay

Most of the time therapists, counselors, and psychologists do not report past crimes. If the crime may occur in the future, then we have a problem. How does the treating professional balance the duty to protect the public with the need to maintain a trusting relationship with the client?

In past posts, I talked about some of the standard exceptions to confidentiality. Things like child abuse or an intent to harm themselves or others. If the client tells me about a plan, to harm or otherwise abuse a child, or kill their partner and them themselves, I feel both ethically and legally bound to intervene and try to stop this. How I go about intervening may be a matter of my best “clinical judgment.”

But this planning a crime issue, that is tricky.

One thing every professional should do is have a place they can go to for legal and ethical advice. This is one of the reasons I am a member of both CALPCC (California Associations for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors) and CAMFT (California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.) Professional associations often offer services to answer or refer you to answers for ethical and legal questions. CAMFT has lawyers on staff who can answer these kinds of questions if you are a member.

So a counselor who is presented with this situation may well consult with a legal or ethical adviser. While doing this consultation they would use the minimum amount of information needed to get an answer. They should not give the client’s name or identifying info but only the nature of the crime the client says they might commit and then ask if they legally or ethically need to make any kind of report.

I mentioned also that it matters who is paying this counselor. If you go to a government psychologist and are planning on cheating disability by lying about your symptoms, that professional is working for the government and will report your effort as fraud. The point of the interview is to see if you are disabled. Even if your treating clinician does not disclose something you said they will not lie by leaving out things that would affect the decision someone else is making.

So what kinds of crimes can I think of that might need to be reported?

If my client was thinking of burning down a building or planting a bomb, I might need to report that and warn people near that building because of the high risk that someone would be hurt. If they were planning to set a fire and they shoot first responders, I feel that this is absolutely reportable.

We do encourage clients to talk with us about anything and everything so we can help them and I would want to try to help my client find other ways to accomplish their goals without committing a crime.

Generally, financial type crimes, writing bad checks, or cheating on your taxes, we don’t have to report clients for that. But we do want to work with them on why that lifestyle may lead to worse things. What a counselor should not do is help the client plan ways to get away with a crime.

One last exception to confidentiality no one ever seems to talk about is if the client is a terrorist. If they are plotting a terrorist attack, even if no person is likely to be harmed, the treating professional may be required to divulge that information. Homeland security can require treating professionals to disclose certain things.

But honestly, this is not a big problem for counselors; suicide bombers probably do not see therapists. Around here we aren’t likely to hear about any Homeland security related issues. There are not many terrorist attacks on cattle feedlots or vegetable growers.

Yes, I live in California, but remember that a large part of this state is a long way from the ocean.

Not sure that really answered the question, but I know that the worry about how much to tell and how much you need to hold back from your counselor is on a lot of client’s minds. If you can’t trust your therapist it is hard for them to be able to help you.

When in doubt ask the person you are seeing and judge by their answer if they will try to help you while staying inside the law and ethical guidelines.

This has been a general discussion of legal and ethical issues involved in a client and counselor discussing the client’s plan to commit a crime. Remember I am a counselor, not a lawyer and legal issues vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. For your specific situation, you may need to talk to a lawyer.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel