Creating the changes you need.

Posted on October 7, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Changing self or others?

So very many people who come into counseling report their major problem is – the behavior of someone else. They ask “How can I get —– to change and stop doing —–.

Recovery literature frequently takes the view that you really can’t change someone else. If they change it will be because they recognize a problem and decide to change. So if 99% of the problem is their fault and only 1% is yours you need to start by working on your one percent.

There are times you can get others to change, but the trick here is that often that change begins with a change in you.

There are four primary change options. Which you chose and how effective it will be will depend on the nature of the change you need. Your partner driving you nuts by being a slob is quite different from a child who breaks out all the windows in a house.

1. Change by stop letting it bother you.

Change your thinking and stop letting it upset you. This is easy to say and sometimes difficult to do. If you began by liking a partner who was spontaneous, a free spirit, but now you are upset because they are irresponsible and a slob, recognize that the problem is in you. The very thing that attracted you to them is the thing that is causing the problem.

Anger management techniques, especially that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique involving the A-B-C-D-E model can be especially helpful.

Mindfulness training, meditation, and relaxation training can also help you to reduce your negative feelings so you can go along with what is happening but not get upset.

2. Help them move through the process of change.

If the other person has the problem and you are doing all you can to accept them but you decide it is they, not you who need to change, you can still help them change by assisting them in moving through the stages of change.

Counselors and professionals are specifically trained in the stages of change model and can help someone move through the process. Take a look at the blog posts on Stages of Change.

3. Create change by changing the dance.

Couples, families, and even workplaces get into a predictable way of doing things. Sometimes this works and sometimes it is dysfunctional. Think of the way this dance happens over and over.

Relationships are a lot like a square dance. Everyone moves around the square doing the same things over and over. If one person changes the way they move, starts walking in a different direction the whole square falls apart.

In relationships, we get into predictable patterns. A friend calls with a problem; we spend hours on the phone. We drive over to their house and help them out. Then we realize that we are always helping them, they never have the time or resources to help us.

Next time they call and describe their problem, rather than telling them you will help, tell them wow that is some problem, I am really looking forward to seeing how you solve that one. Then excuse yourself and hang up.

They may escalate the demands for your help by calling again and asking you to do something. Here is where you may need some assertiveness training. But at some point, you may need to tell them that if you keep solving their problems for them they will never learn to solve them on their own. Besides, right now you have problems of your own that need attention.

Once you have changed the dance, the other person will keep pushing you to get back in the old pattern. You will need to keep to the new direction. But eventually, they will stop asking for help. They may even stop inviting you to their problem dance.

But if you lose this “friend” because you put your needs and those of your family first, well they weren’t that good a friend, to begin with. You deserve better than that.

4. Change others using Influence.

Sometimes you need to make others change even when it would be easier and safer to let it go.

If your young child falls on the floor and has a tantrum, you teach him to stop. If your teenager is doing that you need serious intervention. You should not have let it get to this point.

Parents and teachers change kid’s behaviors all the time. We use rewards and appropriate non-physical punishment to produce change all the time.

There is a series of posts about how behavioral modification specialists get people to change their behavior. This is not some form of brainwashing or mind control.

You get to drive if you take the required steps including taking some tests. If you drive without a license you may get arrested or your car impounded. Society uses rewards and punishments every day. For rules to work we need to keep enforcing these rules.

If you want to alter behavior in your child or others in your life consider the more subtle uses of behavior modification described in my Changing Others series. Praise your child or your partner when they do well. Make sure that they don’t have to do something wrong to get your attention.

What you attend to you will get more of. Make sure you let those in your life know when they are pleasing you.

Changing Others by Influencing.

Posted on October 7, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Creating change in others by influencing.

One way we get others to do more of what we want them to do and less of what we wish to avoid is a process called Behavioral Modification.

Here are the links to an ever-growing number of posts on change and how to create it.

Changing others series:

Changing Others – Part One

Changing others part two

Rewards gone wild – Changing Others Part 3

Why ignoring them doesn’t work – Or does it Part 4

Why Your Child won’t Behave

NO, NO, NO – Learning NO!

For more on the process of change see the blog post series “What are the Stages of Change”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to Find Success and Avoid Failure.

Posted on October 6, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you become successful?

You will reach a destination faster and more surely if you have a map. Far too many people head off looking for success with no idea where they are going or how they will get there. They are surprised when after years of traveling life’s roads they still have not found the success they were looking for.

If you want a life that fails, you can avoid doing most anything, but to have real success will require some planning. Be careful about following other people’s directions, they may not be headed where you are going.

If you would be successful in life, invest some time in creating a roadmap to success that is specific to your life journey.

1. What does success mean to you?

To reach success you need a clear vision of what it will look like when you get there.

Not paying attention to this one has disastrous results. Lots of people go along following others rules; doing what they are supposed to do, only to find when they reach the destination they are not where they wanted to be.

Did you say you wanted to make a lot of money? Are you really willing to do anything to get it? Spend some time at the beginning of your success journey thinking about what is most important to you. What are your values and goals? Will it be a success, if you earn the money you want by doing things that you consider morally wrong?

How much more will you need to get paid to compensate for a life of doing work you hate?

We find in career counseling that people, who are doing work they like and that they have the abilities for, are more likely to be successful.

Get to know yourself well. You should be your own best friend. The more self-knowledge you have the more likely you are to set a course for yourself that will be enjoyable and successful.

Lots of money won’t mean much if you are miserable and need to spend it all on therapy to solve your misery.

2. Investigate the possibilities.

Be sure you have a clear, accurate understanding of what it will be like to reach this goal.

Say you decide that for you, success is living at the beach – one time I was driving along and saw a sign that said something about an ancient beach. I took the turnoff and drove for hours. Eventually, I discovered I had ended up in the middle of the desert. There was a beach there all right. An ancient beach complete with fossils. But there had not been any water near there for a gazillion years.

So often clients tell me they perused a dream, an idea of success only to find out that the reality of the destination was very different from what they expected. Make sure you know if you become a novelist – just how much money does the average one make? Do you know how many hours per week the top business managers work?

Would it really be worth it to you to go to college for 8 years to become a professor and then maybe work for what that school you are looking at pays? Today student debt is at an all-time high. People are finding that they can’t make enough in their chosen career field to pay back that college loan.

People can pursue career goals, go to school for a new occupation only to find out that they will need to move cross-country to be where the jobs are. Is success for you getting your dream job and moving to a new city to start a new life or is it getting the best job possible while living your life in your hometown?

Before you take a training class on becoming a jet aircraft mechanic find out if there are any airports in your area that have jets. And when was the last time they hired a mechanic at that airport?

There are plenty of posts in the blog-o-sphere about the importance of enjoying the journey. I tend to agree with that. The destination will be a lot less enjoyable if you do not enjoy the journey.

But life is not all about the journey. Failing to plan and going with the flow may mean you end up somewhere you never wanted to go.

Lots of people struggle to reach a goal thinking that will mean they are successful, only to discover the goal does not meet the need they have. In some disciplines, half of the people completing a college degree never work in the field. Either there are no jobs, none in the town they live in, or they decide they really do not want to do that kind of work.

3. Find out where you are now.

Thousands of kids tell me they want to play professional sports. One look at many of them tells me they are not likely to make it.

If you hate math and science should you really pursue an engineering career?

I am not telling you that you should chuck your dream. Some skinny kids do become Olympic weightlifters. But it is a long road. Do you enjoy doing the things you need to do to get there and when you reach the goal will it really have been worth it?

There are two approaches to getting from where you are now to where you want to be. Find the things you are strong at and build on those skills or find the things you are weak in and develop new skills.

What does not work is build a definition of success that requires you to become good at things for which you have no skills and doing things you do not like to do.

4. What roads will you need to follow to get to success?

If you can see the path from where you are to where you want to go clearly and that is a path you chose to travel then go for it. But a little planning, in the beginning, can help you avoid a ton of failure.

Does the job require education? Do you like going to school? If the job you want requires meeting the public and promoting the company are you a social person and will you enjoy making public appearances?

Lots of small business owners get into a bind when they create a business that involves them doing a lot of things they like to do and then as the business grows they find they are having to do everything and that there is very little they can turn over to others.

If you are a creative artist do you want to do your art or do you want to create an advertising company and spend time selling to clients while having to turn the creative work over to others?

Failure to consider the roads you will need to travel results in lots of people being unhappy along the way as they find themselves having to do things they never wanted to do to reach a success goal that is no longer appealing when they get there.

Starting today begin developing a plan that will take you to the place you call success.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Success or failure?

Posted on October 5, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you a success or a failure?

Men and women seem to understand success and failure differently. The kinds of things that most men see as successes and failures are different from those experienced by women.

I know those old gender stereotypes are not always true and things are changing, but when it comes to issues of success and failure the problems that bring men and women to the counseling room are usually different. Men in counseling may say they are not very successful. They want to be more successful. Women rarely say that.

When men say success they mean money or accomplishment.

Men talk about not being successful in terms of money, income, being a good provider for their family. They also think in terms of accomplishment. Men feel good about themselves when they win a contest, are famous for some sport or activity, or because of education and promotions, they assume a position of authority.

It doesn’t always have to be about the money, it can also be about the position or the activity. A pastor, priest, or director of a nonprofit may not make a lot of money but they can think of themselves as successful if they are able to see their organization accomplish its mission. If they feel that the role they fill is important.

Women worry about relationship failure.

Women, on the other hand, are more likely to see their therapist because they perceive that they have “failed.” They report they have “failed” at marriage or “failed” at motherhood. Traditionally men and women have evaluated themselves differently.

Men think they need to have things.

Men are most likely to evaluate themselves based on what they have or “are.” They have a nice house, they drive a new prestigious car, they have a good-looking “trophy” wife. Lacking a lot of expensive toys a man can still feel good about himself if he believes he “is” something worthwhile. He can be poor and still have “status” if he is a priest or pastor, a doctor, or a professor.

Women tend to evaluate themselves based on their relationships. They can feel like a success if they have good children who love them. The love of their husband is likely to be more important than his income. Women have told me they don’t care if they have to live in a car as long as they know their man and their kids love them. Now clearly there are materialistic women just like there are men who are more motivated by love. But overall women may look for a man who can be a good provider for them and the children, but having made their choice they are most likely to feel they are successful if the relationship is going well rather than if he sends the money home from a place where he lives with someone else.

In therapy, people get a chance to take another look at their understanding of success and failure. They decide just what they need to do to feel successful and they learn new skills to move to the position of feeling good about themselves. Sometimes they discard the yardstick they have been using to measure success and get a new understanding of what success and failure mean to them.

Whether you feel like a success or failure then is not all about the money or the relationship. It is mostly about the yardstick you are using to measure success or failure. How do you measure your success or failure? What would you need to have or accomplish to feel successful and what are you doing to get there?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?

Posted on October 1, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Bipolar or borderline personality disorder?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Bipolar Disorder or Borderline?

There are several differences between these two disorders. But it is important to remember that it is possible for someone to have both problems which greatly confuses the issue.

The largest differences between the two are sleep and time. Ego strength and character structure also play roles in this choice of diagnoses. I have exaggerated the differences to make the distinction clearer.

Sleep matters.

To be Bipolar you must have had a Manic or Hypomanic episode. The key characteristic of those episodes is long periods (time) of above-average energy and decreased need for sleep.

In hypomania, the person may be able to get by on a few hours of sleep, 3 or 4, and they feel fine. In full-out mania, they may even go all night without sleeping and still be just fine. At least they think they are fine. Others around them may notice they are irritable from lack of sleep but they think they are just fine.

Also in Bipolar when they are up they feel great, expansive. The same person may have episodes of depression and during those times they may sleep too much or too little but the telling point is that in the up times they will tell you they are on top of the world, full of energy, and can just do so much without needing to sleep like lesser people.

With those Bipolar manic episodes comes tons of energy. They like to go up in the attic and swing from the rafters. They might work all day then go to the casino and gamble all night only to go back to work the next day like nothing has happened.

Time.

People with Borderline have many moods within a day. The can be “touchy” easily set off and others may hurt their feeling without meaning too or even knowing why. People with Borderline Personality disorder are full of pain and rarely have a good day. They can be so bruised that a look or word can hurt them.

People with Bipolar have longer periods of up or manic feelings. When times are good for them they are really good. They may go weeks, months, or even years when they are on top of the world. But eventually, the crash comes and there will be long periods of time when they are depressed, possibly unable to get out of bed. Recurring episodes of depression is a common feature of Bipolar Disorder.

Ego strength.

Borderline Personality Disorder is pain based. Many borderlines were abused, neglected or deserted. They are needy in relationships but always distrustful that the person they are with will leave them. Borderline may threaten to kill themselves if you leave them.

Bipolar people mostly don’t care what you think of them, at least not when they are manic. They know they are smarter than Einstein and better looking. They believe they can work miracles. This overvaluation of themselves and their abilities gets them in trouble a lot. The take excessive risks not because they want to hurt themselves like the borderline but because they really believe they will win.

Borderlines are anxious, Bipolar people could care less. Let this one leave and they will find another.

Sex.

People with Bipolar Disorder are often hypersexual. They can’t seem to get enough. This will lead to sexual indiscretions that ruin their established relationships. When manic they just can’t seem to stop themselves. When you’re manic the whole world looks good.

Borderlines are rarely secure in a relationship, fearful that if this partner leaves them, that confirms their fear, they don’t deserve a partner. They will stick with a partner, often an unworthy one, because they fear that if they were to break up they just could not take it.

Who loves their disease?

Someone with Bipolar disorder resembles a Vegas Gambler when they are on a winning streak they want to ride it forever. When the crash they hate themselves and can’t face the wreckage they have created. Bipolar people like being manic. They frequently quit taking their meds just so they can feel manic again. Mania is seductive like a new lover, but one who keeps treating you wrong. Still, you want to recapture that allure.

Borderlines are more like characters from a soap opera, bad stuff keeps happening to them and they wish the pain would end. They live in a world of pain and hurt. They wish they could find a way to get things to change. They are often angry and feel others don’t treat them right. Frequently they are correct. They have been mistreated by someone somewhere and they keep trying to find a way to make it right, to make the pain go away.

Do they ever not have symptoms? – Character structure.

Someone who has Bipolar disorder has a “Mood disorder.” They have specific times (Periods) when they have mania or Depression but at other times they have no mood symptoms. These times of apparent “normal” behavior may last for months or years and then something kicks off another episode of mania or depression.

Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has a “Personality Disorder.” The presumption here is that they learned to be this way and are like this most of the time. They learned to protect themselves, store their anger, and release it in bursts and other survival techniques. The trouble is that the way they handle emotion makes them and those around them miserable.

The younger you were when you learned basic ways of being with others the harder it is to change. Most people with Borderline Personality Disorder continue to have some symptoms even after treatment, though with good care they can and do get much better.

Please check out my other posts on Bipolar disorder and Borderline personality disorder the list of categories is to the right.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Blog repairs using a hand crank on a computer.

Posted on October 1, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Blog post.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Blog repairs using a hand crank on a computer.

Still Cranking.

There was a time before automatic starters when you needed a good hand crank to get your car started. By the time I received my driver’s license they had stopped using hand cranks, but I still remember their existence.

Recently I have found myself having all sorts of problems posting, turns out my web browser should have been retired along with the hand crank. The browser has been replaced but some repairs still need to be made.

Some of you did not get the comments or reply’s I thought I sent. I will try to make that up in the weeks to come. Also, there have been a lot of edits to past posts to get links and other problems repaired. My hope is that I have not flooded anyone’s inbox with the repairs.

Hope you will all stay tuned for the new improved blog version.

Until the repairs are finished:

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Career setbacks and unemployment are top men’s issues

Posted on September 30, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Job application.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Being out of work can bring a man to his knees.

Lots of men have had to face the harsh reality that they are no longer the “great provider” they thought they would be.

Among all the issues that bring men to counseling being out of work and unable to provide for their family in the way they are used to providing tops the list.

For more on other men’s issues see the post Top 10 Men’s Issues here on counselorssoapbox.com

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What are the stages of change?

Posted on September 30, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do people really change?

The stages of change model comes originally from a book titled “Changing For Good” by Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente.

This model has been widely applied to substance abuse treatment but is also applicable to mental health, weight loss, or even improving test scores in underperforming schools.

We teach this model to beginning students in Substance abuse counseling programs and it is gradually becoming a part of Professional Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy training.

It is helpful for professionals to understand how it is that people change so we don’t get ahead of or behind our clients in the process of change. This model also helps predict the possibility of relapse and is applied to relapse prevention.

The Stages of Change model is not just for professionals. It is included in the Mental Health First Aid program and is now being taught to clients and consumers.

Below are the links to a series of posts I wrote on the stages of change. This is my explanation of the model and some additional insights from Ken Minkhoff at Zia Partners and my fellow Change Agents.

My apologies to Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente if I have in any way distorted their model. For their version read the book. See also materials on Stages of Change at the SAMHSA website.

Stages of Change or How Do We Change Pre-Contemplation

Stages of Change part two – Contemplation

How do People Change? Preparation

Stages of Change – Early Action

Stages of Change – Late Action

Maintenance is a Part of Change

What is a dry Drunk – putting down without really getting clean.

Posted on September 30, 2012 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Alcoholic beverages.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

They quit drinking and using but nothing else changed.

They quit drinking, they put down the drugs. The family hopes. They have heard this before. “I am done,” this is the last time. The now-former drinker starts talking a good game. They swear they are not doing drugs. Things will change now. The family wants to believe them. For a little while, there is hope.

Only nothing does change.

Despite the not drinking and the lack of drugs, the person behaves the same way they used to. They are miserable. Their relationships at home and work do not improve, not the way they think they should. The family and friends don’t like being around them anymore now than they did when the person was drinking and using. They are dry but they are not sober.

Suddenly without drugs and alcohol in their system, they feel feelings they have kept at bay for a long time. Life does not miraculously become perfect. There are bills to pay, legal consequences to take care of and relationships to mend. Life becomes real with its ups and downs.

Dry drunks are easy to spot if you know what you are looking for. They turn up at meetings all across America. Some have been off the sauce for years, 5 years maybe. But they are miserable. And they make others miserable. They are full of anger, bitterness, and hurt.

They may turn to a religion. They go to church and become more righteous than the preacher. They can see the flaws and failings of everyone they meet – just not in themselves.

Eventually, the stop going to meetings, that program doesn’t work they tell others. They went but they never really participated. They wanted a shortcut to recovery. One that did not require them to do the painful work of changing.

They may leap from church to church; decrying people as hypocrites and saying people there were not true believers. They learn rules on how to worship but not the values of hope, caring, and compassion.

Families tire of being around them. The dry drunk thinks they deserve credit for not drinking and using. The family doesn’t see what has changed. The alcoholic or drug addict is still self-centered and unhappy.

Sometimes the family will tell the dry person “liked you better when you were drinking, you were more fun then.” Or “at least when you were drinking we knew what to expect.”

Dry drunks can go on walking around miserable for years. Eventually most either relapse or turn up in counseling. They attribute their problems to something else, a bad relationship, or a difficult work situation. Yes, of course, they have problems. Just putting down the drug or giving up the alcohol does not make all your problems magically disappear.

Some become so discouraged that they stop trying. Why give up the drink if life will never get any better? We see them in multiple drug and alcohol treatment programs.

Eventually what most recovering people find is that they never really had a drinking or drug problem – they have a living sober problem. The problem was not the drugs. Drugs and drinks were their solutions. A solution that temporarily hid their problems but did not solve them.

What they learn eventually, if they learn it at all, is that what they really have is a life problem.

How do you live a happy, fulfilled life without the drugs and alcohol?

Finding that better life requires more than just not drinking or putting down the drugs. It requires an active process of change. Going to meetings is not enough, you need to actually “work” the steps, do the work of change.

Counseling also involves a process of change. The recovery, from whatever your problem is, does not happen in the sixty minutes of each session. In that time we can chart a course, teach skills, and help you discover pain you didn’t know you had. The real work of recovery happens in your daily life, in that other 167 hours per week when you need to practice new skills and new ways of being.

If you or someone you know is a dry drunk, has put down but not gotten clean and sober, don’t give up. Find someone you can work with that can help you really become clean and sober.

For more on recovery topics see:

Getting your tools dirty

Getting some recovery

Is relapse a part of recovery?

Running hard after recovery

Why giving up the drugs and alcohol did not make you happy

What is hitting bottom?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Changing self or others?

1. Change by stop letting it bother you.

2. Help them move through the process of change.

3. Create change by changing the dance.

4. Change others using Influence.

Share this:

Creating change in others by influencing.

Share this:

How do you become successful?

1. What does success mean to you?

2. Investigate the possibilities.

3. Find out where you are now.

4. What roads will you need to follow to get to success?

Share this:

Are you a success or a failure?

When men say success they mean money or accomplishment.

Women worry about relationship failure.

Men think they need to have things.

Share this:

Bipolar Disorder or Borderline?

Sleep matters.

Time.

Ego strength.

Sex.

Who loves their disease?

Do they ever not have symptoms? – Character structure.

Share this:

Blog repairs using a hand crank on a computer.

Share this:

Being out of work can bring a man to his knees.

Share this:

How do people really change?

Share this:

Share this:

They quit drinking and using but nothing else changed.

How do you live a happy, fulfilled life without the drugs and alcohol?

Share this: