Tag Archives: anger management

How angry is too angry?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

Does your anger get out of control?

People with an anger management problem seem to have only one setting on their anger control.

The anger is either off or it is on. This leaves them with only two settings,

I think I am not angry and I am boiling over with anger. Those boil-overs are what gets them in trouble.

Learning to recognize you are getting angry helps avoid boil overs.

A first step in learning to regulate your anger is to install an anger thermometer in your brain. Having this anger thermometer in place helps you monitor how angry you are and what is causing that anger temperature to rise.

Ever notice that in the summer a room that is 68 degrees Fahrenheit ( 20 degrees Celsius)  seems refreshingly cool, maybe even downright chilly if you just came in from outside where it was 100 F ( 37.8 C) In the winter that same room may seem hot if you just came in from outside where it was below freezing?

The same sort of thing happens with anger. When you are tired, have not slept well, are hungry or thirsty, you are more likely to become angry. Small irritations can set someone off when they do not feel well. Failing to recognize what you are feeling and to respond appropriately can also result in anger flare-ups. Mad, as in anger, can often just be sad in disguise.

These things will reduce your ability to control anger.

Alcohol use and abuse or drug misuse can also reduce your inhibitions and make small anger problems into serious events. Unresolved problems in one area of your life, financial or relationship issues can pop up as anger over things that might not otherwise set you off.

Rumination, that repetitive thinking about the same thing over and over, can also heat up your emotions to the vapor point. By rumination I am not referring to evaluating past actions or events to learn from them, what we mean by rumination is that habit we humans have to keep chewing on things that bother us until they make us sick. Rumination is an exercise in creating and maintaining unhelpful thoughts. More on rumination and its role in creating emotional problems is coming up in other counselorssoapbox posts.

How will you measure anger?

Begin your exploration of your anger feelings by creating a scale that works for you. Some people use a temperature scale. Other people find it more helpful to use a scale of zero to ten or zero to one hundred. Having created this Anger scale, begin to take periodic readings of how angry you are at any given moment.

It may be helpful to take your anger reading at the same time each day. Pay special attention to times you notice anger beginning. What was happening just before you felt your anger rise? Try taking your anger reading every day when you rise and when you go to bed. Do you wake up in a grouchy mood or does your mood get worse as the day progresses?

A further refinement to this scale would be to list some words for feelings related to anger and then try to arrange them on a scale from least angry to most angry. Is irritated the same as angry? Is strong anger enraged but moderate anger annoyed? Adding these other feeling words allows you to develop a range of feelings you could be having between not angry and violently boiling-over angry.

The goal of this effort is to learn to measure your anger so that later in the anger management process you can install an anger thermostat in your brain that allows you to turn the anger up or down at will. Most people have little difficulty angering themselves up but learning to keep the anger on low or even turn it off at will, that is a valuable skill.

Clues that anger is growing.

All this anger regulation stuff works if you are able to recognize your anger as it ebbs and flows. But if you find that you did not know you were getting angry and then suddenly you are boiling mad how can we help that?

Think about your past experiences with anger. Have you ever noticed someone becoming angry? They may have given off clues by their behavior or their body language before that anger outburst occurred. There may have been changes in their behavior or language.  In an upcoming post, I want to make some suggestions about how you might recognize that anger in others and in yourself before you hit the boiling point.

What kind of relationship do you have with your anger? Does it keep danger away or does it harm your relationships? Maybe a little of both? Stay tuned for more posts on Anger and how to tame that be

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to tame and train emotions and feelings.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

3 step process for making feelings a part of your recovery.

There was a time, back in the Victorian days when feelings were suspect and the goal was to stop feeling and to think logically. This approach has resulted in feelings and intuition getting a bad name.

If you have struggled with an emotional or mental illness, say depression or anxiety, it is hard to keep in mind that in smaller doses that anxiety or sadness could have been your friend. A little bit of anxiety can keep you safe in dangerous situations. But if that anxiety beast has gotten unruly, you need to get them back to being well-behaved.

People who have abused substances, taken drugs or drank to help them be less anxious will find their emotions have gotten out of control like a house full of unruly children when the parents are away. Using alcohol to sleep or to not feel leaves you exhausted the next day and beyond.

Feelings can tell you things, provide you with the information you need if only you are willing to listen to them. If you grew up around others that did not pay attention to feelings, yours or theirs, or pretended they did not have feelings, you may be at a disadvantage when it comes to managing your emotions.

Learning to manage your emotions, feel what you need to feel but not let your emotions take over complete control of you requires you to develop a better relationship with your feelings.

Here are the three basic steps to learning to make peace with your emotions

Step One – Recognize that you are feeling.

Many people are accustomed to ignoring their emotions. Whether you are recovering from depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or any other life problem the first step to integrating feelings into your new recovered life is to become aware that you are feeling something.

Our bodies hold on to emotional feelings even when the mind is trying to ignore them. If you say that someone is a pain in the neck, check your neck. If your stomach is upset, look inside to see if there is someone or something “making you sick to your stomach.”

These body sensations are your nervous system’s way of telling you that something is wrong. Remember that you have lots of nerve cells outside your brain. One estimate places the number of nerve cells outside that brain at over fifty percent. You have nerve cells throughout your body for many reasons. One of those reasons is to convey information, especially emotional information, to the brain.

Learn to recognize that you are feeling something. Look for where in the body that feeling is staying. What physical sensations do you feel? Does this rev you up or shut you down.

Step Two – Name that feeling.

When you do not have a word for something it is more difficult to think about that item. To learn to make emotions your friends you need to learn their names. There is a lot of difference between being sad and being angry. Learn to recognize what you feel when you feel it and then name that feeling.

When you first enter a new field you do not have the vocabulary to talk about that field. New on a job you may find the old-timers see and react to things you had not noticed. As you get more familiar with things you learn their names and you respond more readily.

For an example of this take a look at my difficulties in understanding what a friend was talking about when I knew nothing about her area of interest. In this example, I could not remember or talk about something because I did not know enough about it to recognize it when I saw it.

What purple glass? Memory and the expert effect

Step Three – Apply your feeling change tools.

Once you recognize that you are feeling something, are able to describe where in your body you are feeling it, and then are able to name that feeling, you are well on your way to learning how to manage that feeling.

There are all sorts of feeling management tools. Many people are required to attend an anger management class because they never learned to follow these steps. If you just suddenly find yourself furiously angry then you are at a loss to know what to do about that anger once you have it. But if you learn to recognize that anger is coming on and how it is affecting you, there are all kinds of tools you can use to avoid excess anger and to manage that anger once it arrives.

Tools that are used for anger management work, most of the time, when they are applied to other feelings. One of the early stage feeling management tools is the process I have described above. Learn to recognize that you have feelings, identify what that feeling is, and then decide how you will respond.

Other emotional regulation tools include cognitive tools, changing your thinking and behavioral tools, physical things you can do to manage emotions. For more on tools to manage feelings look at other blog posts here on counselorssoapbox.com and keep an eye out for my book, in progress, which is nearing completion.

Move your feelings from out of control to friends.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do you have hidden anger?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Hidden anger.
Picture courtesy of pixabay.

Hidden anger can poison you and your relationships.

You may not feel comfortable expressing your anger. There may be others around you who try to pretend that they are not angry about things when deep down inside they are seething. Allow that anger to live inside you and no matter how much you try to hide it eventually it will seep out.

Hiding anger and keeping it inside is sometimes called “Stuffing your anger.” Stuffed anger will make you physically ill. Those people who try to pretend they are not angry, find their unacknowledged anger leaking out all over the place. One major way anger leaks out is through passive-aggressive behavior.

Hiding anger does not make it go away. Hidden anger will make you sick or poison your relationships. Expressing it in aggressive ways can destroy you and others. There are ways to avoid letting this anger build up and most of those ways are about seeing things differently before the anger takes hold and resolving conflict in positive ways.

You can’t defuse hidden anger if you do not recognize it. Here is a list of some ways anger stays camouflaged and how hidden anger will leak out. These problems may have started with hidden anger but unrecognized and not dealt with these symptoms can develop into depression, anxiety, or another mental illness.

1. Foot-dragging, lateness, and procrastination may be hidden anger.

Once someone develops a resentment towards you, they may begin expressing that anger in passive ways. They say they will do something or stop doing something but the thing they promised just keeps slipping their mind.

People can develop hidden anger and obstructive behavior even while believing they do mean to do the thing you ask. Passive-aggressive behavior can be an unconscious behavior.

If you find that you are habitually late for an appointment with someone, look carefully and see if you have anger over having to do something for them. Are you procrastinating about doing something? Is it possible that you have some anger over having to do this task?

Take a close look at the things that you never get around to doing and you may be able to diagnose a case of hidden anger.

2. Difficulty falling asleep or frequent awakenings may be the result of hidden anger.

Changes in sleep are often symptoms of an underlying emotional or mental issue. If you find yourself tossing and turning and thinking about someone or something examine this sleep issue and see if it is a hiding place for hidden anger.

3. Bad dreams and nightmares about the person who made you angry.

Bad dreams, nightmares, and their hurtful cousin, night terrors may have their source in anger that you can’t express. Hide that anger and the brain will continue to work on the feeling while you sleep.

Not every dream needs an interpretation, but recurrent disturbing dreams invite a closer look. Dreams that contain the effects of hidden anger are a good place for hidden anger to hide. You will find the hidden anger is readily recognizable when you begin to recall that bad dream.

4. Feeling tired, run down, and like you can’t take any more may be unresolved anger.

Anger that is not recognized continues to try to make itself heard. One theory about the causes of depression is that it may stem from anger that is turned inward rather than outwards towards the real cause of your discomfort.

When someone does something that could be a cause of anger and you are unwilling or unable to express those feeling the result can be a loss of drive. Nothing is fun, you can’t feel happy and all you want to do is lay around and try to rest.

All of those symptoms of hidden anger look like symptoms of depression and underneath a lot of depression, we find some anger.

Consider also that it does not need to be someone else that you are angry at. Anger at yourself is a prime candidate to become hidden anger.

You wish you had not done something, you resent the consequences, but how can you punish yourself for this error? Stuffing a mouth full of anger and making yourself sick in the process is one possibility.

5. Sarcasm, innuendos, and backhanded compliments maybe anger based.

Watch out for those backhanded compliments. When the things that get said to you are full of sarcasm and innuendo suspect that the humor is an attempt to hide some anger that the other person does not want to be direct about.

6. Icky sweet people may be disingenuous and hiding some anger.

You know the people I mean. They smile with even the back teeth showing. There can be something menacing in their smiles and greetings. Despite all their repetition of “dear” and “friend” you feel threatened not welcomed.

If this other person slips your name into sentences more often than a call center person from a third world country, suspect hidden anger.

Are you full of hidden anger? Are you the recipient of hidden or thinly disguised anger? Consider some work on getting the air cleared and the real problems dealt with. Or failing to be able to talk honestly about what is eating you or bugging them, consider if this relationship is really a healthy one.

Are there other varieties of hidden anger you have experienced? What other types can you add to the list?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should you vent? The dangers of venting

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Should you vent?
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do you need to vent?

Have you ever felt you just needed to vent?  Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think.

It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Keep in mind, there are a whole lot of problems that result from venting.

When people talk about “Venting” they are almost universally talking about expressing negative emotions. Even when people act out on supposed positive emotions there can be violence. Venting as a way to celebrate your team’s victory can end you up in jail if you act out.

When people talk about venting they are not talking about the slow letting off of pressure like when the teapot starts to whistle. Most people, when they vent look more like a stick of dynamite going off than a little steam from the teapot’s spout.

Here are some reasons that venting may make things worse rather than better.

Rehearsal for violence.

There was a time when we had couples in therapy hit each other with those sponge rubber bats and yell at each other to “get it out.” Some therapists discovered that after venting in therapy those same couples went home and then the next time they argued they started hitting each other for real, with solid bats.

Venting can increase your sensitivity to anger and violence. You are in effect practicing getting worked up and acting out.

Yelling, screaming, and jumping around does not serve to get a football team calmed down before a match, it gets them worked up and they go out there and become more aggressive. We will leave the issue of whether watching violence increases your propensity for violence alone for now. What is clear to me is that practicing aggression makes you more aggressive not less.

Venting increases your anger or other negative emotions.

Once you are extremely angry it is hard to control that anger. The most effective solution is to learn to not get upset in the first place. As hard as that sounds to do, once you get the idea that you can choose whether to get angry or not, avoiding anger is much more effective than venting once you get there.

The idea behind venting is that you are not in control of yourself, once you get angry you need to let it out and it is OK to subject others to your release of anger.

Anger management classes teach us that it is not what someone has done to us that creates our anger, it is our beliefs about that other person’s actions. Quite often the reason they did that thing which upset you was not the reason you think.

This does not imply you just need to take things. You have choices in your responses. The problem with venting is that we almost always go overboard and become excessively expressive of our anger.

The result is that after venting you end up regretting how far you went. You may even vent and then apologize. Once you have to apologize or get bailed out of jail, you have lost all the advantages of releasing that anger. You are now in a weaker and more helpless condition after venting than before.

Venting does not make you a stronger person. It leaves you making amends for the things you have done while venting.

Venting Damages relationships.

Even if you can vent and discharge those unpleasant emotions, that does not help the person you vented at. Often venting involves saying and doing things that may be hurtful to others. You vent, you feel better but the person you cussed out or hit may harbor a grudge forever.

Venting with a partner can damage a relationship beyond repair.

One reason venting is so attractive to so many people is the human tendency to store up complaints, sometimes called Gunny Sacking, and then let the other person have the whole load of our wrath all at once. This is an unhealthy way to deal with ongoing problems.

So before you let yourself vent consider other ways to handle those negative emotions or to prevent upsetting yourself in the first place.

Additional posts on this topic are under feelings and emotions, related topics are listed in the categories list to the right.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ca. Professional Counselors – CALPCC and LPCC’s

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

October CALPCC board meeting.

This year California became the 50th state to license Professional Counselors. The official designation in California is “Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor” LPCC for short. Other states had some form of professional counselor’s licensure before California, so we are still finding our way as this profession matures and adapts to California.

CALPCC, a non-profit organization, is the statewide organization for this new profession. Last weekend was the annual “retreat” for CALPCC’s board of directors which I was able to attend.

CALPCC has seen fit to appoint me to that board to fill out an open board member term. I am excited about this opportunity.

Some short recaps of what we talked about are below. Remember that as a new board member these are my impressions and that I can’t speak officially for the board. So any sentiments expressed are purely my own. Here are some of the questions that came up.

1. Why are Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT’s or LMFT’s) becoming LPCC’s also?

At least 4 of the CALPCC board members, myself included, are also licensed as LMFT’s so there was some discussion of why LMFT’s might want to also become LPCC’s.

My belief is that there are things that each profession does that the other does not do and to best serve my clients I needed to be trained in both areas.

Most LMFT’s work with couples, families, and sometimes children. Since I see some children, couples, and families I need to stay licensed, active and up to date in the LMFT field.

Much of my private practice is in individual counseling, particularly something I loosely call “men’s issues.”  LPCC’s are specially trained in things like career counseling and mediation. Sometimes this shades over into the area of life coaching. I approach these issues by trying to help clients solve problems that are causing social or occupational problems or interfering with having a happy life.

2. Why should someone join CALPCC?

Lots of counselors are already members of one or more professional therapist or counselor organizations. They asked why they should join another group.

My view is that if I was solely an LMFT I would need to belong to the one or two organizations in that field. Since I am also an LPCC I felt the need to join the organization that is specific to LPCC’s, which would be CALPCC. I chose to be a member of organizations in both fields and would recommend that to other people who are dually licensed.

3. What are the benefits of being a member of CALPCC?

CALPCC maintains a website. There is information on the website for anyone who is interested in the new Professional Clinical Counselor profession. There is also a member’s only area with additional information that is useful to LPCC’s that may not be of interest to non-counselors. Other professional associations also use this member’s only format for some of their website content to encourage those who use the resources to help pay the cost.

I recommend that if you are licensed or seeking licensure as an LPCC, you want to be a member of CALPCC and get access to the members-only content on the website.

4. Can LPCC’s bill Medi-Cal?

Not yet, but we believe this is coming and coming soon. At this point, there are only a few LPCC’s licensed in California. The last license number I heard was about LPC200. Those who are getting licensed now are people with previous other licenses who are getting a second license.

We were told that there is a huge pile of applications for the LPCC license that were mailed on the last day of 2011. BBS will be working on that pile for a while. By the time those licenses are completed and the BBS moves to issuing new licenses to people who did not have a previous license we hope that the Medi-Cal approval will be completed.

There are other federally funded programs in which LPCC’s are already being hired.

5. Can LPCC’s open a private practice and take private insurance?

Yes, they can. Who the insurance company place on their panel is up to each individual insurance company. I am on several panels and each one that I have looked at will take LPCC’s.

That does not mean that if you are newly licensed as an LPCC the insurance company will automatically add you.  Most insurance companies want to know they are sending their customers to someone who is reliable. They require providers to have a certain length of time in the profession before they add you to their panel. They also look to see if they have too many or too few counselors on their list for your area.

This is not insurance companies picking on the new LPCC profession. These rules have also been applied to existing LMFT’s and LCSW’s.

Most insurance companies I have looked at require you to have been licensed for 2 to 5 or even 6 years before they will consider you for their panel unless you have a particular skill they need on their list. So if you speak Russian and Swahili you may get on insurance panels sooner.

6. Should students join CALPCC now or wait till graduation?

I recommend that you join while still in school and read the members-only updates while you are preparing for your exams. This keeps you up to date on the latest events and trainings in your field.

Also – the CALPCC student member price is VERY reasonable.

Consider that the really good counselors and therapists do not stop learning when they graduate. If you want to be the best possible therapist or counselor you can be, stay active and up to date in your field.

If you are a client or an out of California professional forgive the very California LPCC specific post. The last two weeks have been extra busy for me. Shortly I will return to my posts on recovery, resiliency, and having a happy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Articles about anger, behavior and children.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy family

Parenting.

More resources for parents – single or coupled.

Some additional resources I wanted to make you aware of. Some of you may remember that I was interviewed for an article about managing anger during a custody dispute. That article and several others on children’s anger and behavior issues are available at the same website.

They also have a new Checklist for parents on child behavioral problems and while it is not a diagnostic tool it can suggest times when you should seek professional help for a child’s behavioral issues.

Just returned from the California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (CALPCC) board meeting. More on that meeting and the new (in California) profession of Professional Clinical Counseling as soon as I can get the posts written.

Creating the changes you need.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Changing self or others?

So very many people who come into counseling report their major problem is – the behavior of someone else. They ask “How can I get —– to change and stop doing —–.

Recovery literature frequently takes the view that you really can’t change someone else. If they change it will be because they recognize a problem and decide to change. So if 99% of the problem is their fault and only 1% is yours you need to start by working on your one percent.

There are times you can get others to change, but the trick here is that often that change begins with a change in you.

There are four primary change options. Which you chose and how effective it will be will depend on the nature of the change you need. Your partner driving you nuts by being a slob is quite different from a child who breaks out all the windows in a house.

1. Change by stop letting it bother you.

Change your thinking and stop letting it upset you. This is easy to say and sometimes difficult to do. If you began by liking a partner who was spontaneous, a free spirit, but now you are upset because they are irresponsible and a slob, recognize that the problem is in you. The very thing that attracted you to them is the thing that is causing the problem.

Anger management techniques, especially that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique involving the A-B-C-D-E model can be especially helpful.

Mindfulness training, meditation, and relaxation training can also help you to reduce your negative feelings so you can go along with what is happening but not get upset.

2. Help them move through the process of change.

If the other person has the problem and you are doing all you can to accept them but you decide it is they, not you who need to change, you can still help them change by assisting them in moving through the stages of change.

Counselors and professionals are specifically trained in the stages of change model and can help someone move through the process. Take a look at the blog posts on Stages of Change.

3. Create change by changing the dance.

Couples, families, and even workplaces get into a predictable way of doing things. Sometimes this works and sometimes it is dysfunctional. Think of the way this dance happens over and over.

Relationships are a lot like a square dance. Everyone moves around the square doing the same things over and over. If one person changes the way they move, starts walking in a different direction the whole square falls apart.

In relationships, we get into predictable patterns. A friend calls with a problem; we spend hours on the phone. We drive over to their house and help them out. Then we realize that we are always helping them, they never have the time or resources to help us.

Next time they call and describe their problem, rather than telling them you will help, tell them wow that is some problem, I am really looking forward to seeing how you solve that one. Then excuse yourself and hang up.

They may escalate the demands for your help by calling again and asking you to do something. Here is where you may need some assertiveness training. But at some point, you may need to tell them that if you keep solving their problems for them they will never learn to solve them on their own. Besides, right now you have problems of your own that need attention.

Once you have changed the dance, the other person will keep pushing you to get back in the old pattern. You will need to keep to the new direction. But eventually, they will stop asking for help. They may even stop inviting you to their problem dance.

But if you lose this “friend” because you put your needs and those of your family first, well they weren’t that good a friend, to begin with. You deserve better than that.

4. Change others using Influence.

Sometimes you need to make others change even when it would be easier and safer to let it go.

If your young child falls on the floor and has a tantrum, you teach him to stop. If your teenager is doing that you need serious intervention. You should not have let it get to this point.

Parents and teachers change kid’s behaviors all the time. We use rewards and appropriate non-physical punishment to produce change all the time.

There is a series of posts about how behavioral modification specialists get people to change their behavior. This is not some form of brainwashing or mind control.

You get to drive if you take the required steps including taking some tests. If you drive without a license you may get arrested or your car impounded. Society uses rewards and punishments every day. For rules to work we need to keep enforcing these rules.

If you want to alter behavior in your child or others in your life consider the more subtle uses of behavior modification described in my Changing Others series. Praise your child or your partner when they do well. Make sure that they don’t have to do something wrong to get your attention.

What you attend to you will get more of. Make sure you let those in your life know when they are pleasing you.

See also the posts on

Stages of Change

Changing others by Influencing  

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Criticizing, complaining and asking for change.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Talking to yourself

Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Criticizing, complaining, and asking for change.

Communication skills part 3.

When something bugs us what should we do? When we are unhappy we are likely to react in one of a very few ways. Will you say nothing, become angry, or take a middle road and try to talk about the issue?

Some people say nothing and suffer in silence. For those people, we recommend assertiveness training. If you do nothing about a problem then you become part of the mechanism perpetuation the problem not part of the solution.

Some people react to annoyances by becoming angry and acting out. Even if the violent approach works in the short run it is likely to result in long-term undesirable consequences. An excessive response to a problem may wind up in you having to do an Anger Management class, going to jail, or permanently damaging the relationship.

In between is the “let’s talk about it” approach. Some ways of talking with the other person are more effective than others.

Criticizing is not communication.

Criticizing is the method most often used and least likely to be helpful. This method attacks the other person. You call them names for not doing what you think they should. Statements get made like “you don’t respect me, you are a slob or other personal attacks.

Criticizing does not make any friends. When we are criticized we are likely to become defensive and reply with our list of all the things the other has done. Criticize someone too often and they may stop listening altogether.

Criticizing cuts off communication rather than improving it or getting things to change.

Complaining does not help communication.

Complaining involves talking about how the issue is affecting you.  While a slight improvement over criticizing it rarely gets anything to change.

This is a recurring behavior in work settings where people complain about how they have to too much to do and saying others do not help and so on. It can become the standard operating procedure in some settings.

People who work as professionals in a complaint department know, or should know, the importance of listening to the customer’s complaint. Until the person feels their complaint has been heard nothing much is likely to happen to resolve that complaint. But eventually, the process needs to move beyond complaining.

Some relationship skill building programs suggest combining the complaining behavior with the next step, problem-solving, or asking for change. While complaining may be a way to tell the other person what is upsetting you, moving to the next step and stating the specifics you want to change are most likely to improve the situation.

Asking for change improves communication.

Of all the ways of dealing with problems, this is the most likely to improve the situation despite seeming to be the hardest thing to do.

Use good problem-solving skills. Ask for change and stay on the problem and how to solve it. The greatest chance for improvement is to find a solution in which both parties win rather than a win-lose situation. There needs to be genuine two-way communication, hearing, and being heard.

Making things better.

Make sure that when you have a problem with another person that you avoid the name-calling and the personal attacks.

Clearly, state the problem as you see it. Ask for specific changes such as not interrupting you when you speak rather than global things like being nicer.

Listen while the other person describes how they see the problem. Work towards understanding their point of view. Look for a solution that meets both of your needs.

More on communication skills can be found at:

Communication is not what you think

Just Being Honest        

Criticism, complaining, asking for change.

How are your communication skills? Are you criticizing, complaining or asking for change?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Top 10 Men’s Issues

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Men drinking

Drugs and alcohol are top men’s issues.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What are Men’s issues and how are they different from the other issues that bring clients to counseling?

Men have issues. We are not talking about back copies of the swimsuit issues either. Men traditionally have avoided coming to counseling for those issues even when they really could have used some help. Men try to tough it out and cope without asking for help. That reluctance to come to see a counselor is changing. The result of this trend has been an increase in counselors who specialize in “Men’s issues.”

Men will spend thousands on a career counselor or a life coach to help them with jobs or business success but when it comes to relationships, children, and their own happiness and well-being, they have been slow to accept the need for assistance.

When I started in this profession, I was surprised to see relatively few men in the classes with me. There were few men counselors and very few men in treatment. The few men who did come to see a counselor were referred to treatment by a judge, parole, or probation.

When I worked as a substance abuse counselor there were lots of men. They predominate in treatment and in the profession when it comes to substance abuse, domestic violence, drunk driving, and similar issues. When it comes to social work or the therapy room the men disappear on both sides of the desk. Among clients, this is beginning to change as men realize the need for more resources in managing life’s problems.

Men report to me that they have felt like their role in the family was that of a prepaid debit card. They go out and make money which is placed at the disposal of their family. If they fail to earn enough they are likely to be discarded like a maxed-out credit card. Beyond the simple maintenance of their most basic needs, food, sex, and a few expensive toys, men were conditioned to think that they should not have feelings or weaknesses.

For a man to ask for help implies accepting failure. Men kept going even when injured emotionally until they could not keep going. The homeless veterans of past wars, tortured by the symptoms of PTSD, are a testimony to the way in which men that showed a weakness can be discarded. To ask for help with an emotion was tantamount to accepting failure.

This situation is changing and for good reason. Men are learning that to acknowledge feelings is not a sign of failure. To seek consultation for struggles with life’s problems is not weakness but wisdom.

More men than ever before are assuming the role of primary custodians of their children. They are moving into the areas of childrearing that once were the exclusive territory of women. Methamphetamine and other drug addiction have accelerated this trend as more women leave their children and run the streets. Some men step up and become Mr. Mom and Dad.

Men come to counseling for information on being a good parent. They want to know how to raise happy children and they want to know how to experience this happiness after the loss of their illusion that all they needed to do to make things come out right was to earn more money.

The major “men’s issues” continue to be the traditional issues of men forced to treatment by someone else with some new issues brought on by the changes in the American family and society.

The top “men’s issues” in my practice are:

1. Career

2. Achieving success

3. Fatherhood

4. Single parenthood

5. Maintain relationships with children after divorce or separation

6.  Getting close and trusting others

7. Substance abuse

8. Anger management

9. Male sexual issues

10. Trauma

These Top Ten Men’s Issues have a lot in common with issues that bring women to therapy. The largest differences I see in the experiences are that women are a lot more attuned to the idea of working with and paying attention to their feelings. Women are schooled in expressing their feelings as a way to get relief from unpleasant experiences. Men tend to ignore feelings until overwhelm by them.

Men come to counseling looking to find solutions to their problems. What they may discover is that feelings are a valuable source of information that they will need to use to find the solution that is right for them and their relationships.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Getting your tools dirty.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Assorted tools

Tools.

Your recovery tools.

What shape are your tools in? We all have our tools. Many men and some women like new shiny ones. Other people have craft tools or cooking tools. I was thinking a lot today about tools and how we use them.

Counselors talk with their clients about learning new tools, relationship tools, anger management tools, tools for sober living.

In school, they taught us the “tools” we would need to do our jobs once we graduated. When I teach classes for beginning counselors they learn not only the tools they will need to teach their clients but also the tools they will need to be good counselors.

So with all the tools out there why is this job of recovery so difficult? Why do people try things in life over and over and still they don’t seem to come out right? What is wrong with our tools?

Recently I moved. We had looked forward to the new place. It was larger and it was in a better neighborhood, besides it had a nice yard. In preparation for the move, I bought some new tools. They were so nice and shiny. I had a few old ones from the last place but a new home requires a few new tools. I put them on the workbench in the garage when we moved in. A brand new circular saw, a good shovel for planting in the yard, I had all the tools I thought I would need.

I was talking to a client today about tools. This is his – well let’s not say how many times he has been in a treatment program. I was talking to him about the tools he needed to stay clean and sober and the tools he would need to keep his mental illness at bay. Then it struck me. What tools could I offer him that he had not gotten at other programs before? That got me thinking about all those tools I had bought for the new house and what had happened to them.

A week after we moved in, maybe two, we bought a couple of bushes to go by the back fence. They were small bushes and the ground was damp. They didn’t need a very big hole. So rather than go to the garage for the new spade, I grabbed the old one that was leaning against the shed in the backyard. It worked OK so I saved a trip to the house to get the new one. To this day the new shovel has not been used.

I needed shelves but never got around to buying lumber. Some used metal ones were available at a place on my way home from work. I bought the used shelves. The new saw is still in the box.

I got busy and so instead of doing the yard work the way I had planned, I paid someone to mow the lawn. The net result? All those pretty, shiny, new tools are still sitting there in their original packaging, still unused.

As I talked with my client he explained what went wrong with his previous treatment programs. What had happened that he learned all those new tools but kept getting the same old result? He didn’t need more tools, he had plenty.

He looked at me and then he said – “I didn’t get my tools dirty.”

Then it struck me. We all have tools. We go to seminars, read self-help books, participate in counseling and therapy but we stay stuck in the same old pain and dysfunction. The reason so much learning does not change us?

Sometimes recovery is a messy business. It takes work and effort. We have to practice new skills. But between the learning and the practice – we forget to use those tools.

We forget to get our tools dirty.

For more on this see the posts on Stages of Change especially the Maintenance Step.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel