Tag Archives: Habits

Changing Others – Part One

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes we really do need to change others.

Now I know I talked to you before about how hard changing others was and how we first need to look at ourselves. We have also looked at the way in which really lasting change happens. But sometimes we do need to try to change other’s behavior especially when it is not us they are harming but themselves and their acceptance in society. If your child is hitting other students you could wait to see if he outgrows it, but by then he may be expelled from school and you may be stuck with an unruly brat in your home all day. So sometimes teaching others to change is for their own good. There is a process for this way of changing others and it is called behavior modification.

Now I know I talked to you before about how hard changing others was and how we first need to look at ourselves. We have also looked at the way in which really lasting change happens. But sometimes we do need to try to change other’s behavior especially when it is not us they are harming but themselves and their acceptance in society. If your child is hitting other students you could wait to see if he outgrows it, but by then he may be expelled from school and you may be stuck with an unruly brat in your home all day. So sometimes teaching others to change is for their own good. There is a process for this way of changing others and it is called behavior modification.

Now I know I talked to you before about how hard changing others was and how we first need to look at ourselves. We have also looked at the way in which really lasting change happens. But sometimes we do need to try to change other’s behavior especially when it is not us they are harming but themselves and their acceptance in society. If your child is hitting other students you could wait to see if he outgrows it, but by then he may be expelled from school and you may be stuck with an unruly brat in your home all day. So sometimes teaching others to change is for their own good. There is a process for this way of changing others and it is called behavior modification.

Behavior modification began as largely experimental methods. It was used to change animals and later was applied to developmentally delayed clients. It has been gradually expanded to include all kinds of groups from kindergarten kids to college graduate students. And the great thing about behavior modification is that it works. But it does not involve what most people think it might include. Behavioral modification is not a shorthand name for brainwashing or manipulation. It is about helping people to change who don’t know then need to change.

Lots of behavior change methods have been criticized as manipulation. I cringe when I hear that expression. Don’t all kids manipulate? It is one way of getting your needs met when a direct method does not work. We need to teach others how we would like them to behave and then encouraging that behavior. For the “spare the rod” crowd I reiterate that physical punishment is the least effective method of teaching most of the time. It produces angry people who hit back or beaten people who stop trying. Real discipline is about training, not punishment.

Some people think the opposite of punishment is bribery. That won’t work either. If you bribe someone, particularly a kid, to do what they should do, next time the amount of the bribe will need to be increased. Eventually, the whole bribery method collapses when you can’t or won’t pay the exorbitant amounts demanded. Not sure about this, check with Washington.

The first step in changing someone else’s behavior is to get crystal clear about what behavior you want to change and why. Let’s take an example.

Mom brings in a child which we will call Clarence for want of another name. Mom is tired of getting calls from the school that Clarence won’t behave. She wants me to fix him. Sorry mom, I am fresh out of parts for that year and model. You want him changed, you as his parent need to do that. I will be glad to teach you how but you will have to do the work.  So mom what is Clarence doing? When you say he does not behave – what exactly does he do or not do?

At this point, mom pulls out her list. He won’t do his homework, does not stay in his seat, makes “mouth noises” did not clean his room, and got in a fight. The fight might be anger management, but the mouth noises, that is a whole nother thing. So I ask the mother what is the one thing, the one most important thing she wants to change about her son. With behavior modification, we need to start on one thing to change and then progress to each item on her list one at a time.

Mom picks “won’t do his homework” I feel myself starting to relax. This is a case of increasing a behavior. We have more and better tools to increase desirable behaviors than we have tools to reduce undesirable behaviors. Also, this is something specific so we should be able to tell when we are making progress.

Sometimes I get things like I want him to be friendlier. What exactly do you mean by being friendlier? Bringing home a girl?  Giving away your stuff? Or would you settle for smiling more? A specific behavior like smiling more is easier to work on than the vague friendly thing.

The fastest way to increase a behavior is to reward someone for doing the thing we want them to do. Someone in the back of the class just yelled foul. You said no bribes. No, I am not saying bribe the kid. I said reward. What is the difference? A bribe comes before someone does the act. A reward comes after and the two things are connected. So my boss pays me if I show up for work for a whole two weeks. He does not give me a bribe first and then hope I will show up. And the amount was clearly understood. It does not go up each time he wants me to show up.

Let me give you a hint here. For many kids, praise for something done well is even more reinforcing than things. Kids who have a close relationship with their families want to please their parents. Just make sure you let them know you are pleased. If my boss were to stop paying me I might get the idea he does not want me working there and I would probably stop showing up. I might also get really mad.

So next time we will need to talk about what things might be rewards and how to use these to increase positive behavior without falling down the bribe trap. Rewards are also powerful motivators in adult relationships. If you do not make each other happy more often than you make each other mad your relationship is headed for trouble. So very soon I plan to write a post about rewarding your partner to keep the relationship alive. Till next time

More on the topic of changing others can be found at:

Changing others part two 

Rewards gone wild

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Inside and Outside of Relapse triggers.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Relapse

Relapse.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Relapse triggers, either internal or external, are those things that set off cravings in a recovering person. The failure to do maintenance steps in the process of change increase the risk of giving into triggers.

External triggers are the things outside ourselves that place us at risk to resume old behaviors and give up on the progress of recovery. Shorthand ways of understanding these triggers are people, places, and things.

People are one of the biggest reasons people relapse. There is a huge temptation to look up old friends. Often the only thing that you have in common with an old friend is a history of using drugs or drinking. Sometimes there was a history of other dysfunctional activities, codependency, or abusive relationships. If the people you had around you in the past supported your addiction or if they were not affirming, or made you feel bad about yourself, being around them can take you back there. Avoiding people who are bad for you is not being selfish.it is being self-caring. In early recovery it is suggested you not make a change you can’t take back like changing jobs or relationships. Surround yourself with people who support your recovery.

Places are another important external trigger to pay attention to. Alcoholics need to avoid bars; drug addicts should avoid dope houses. But there are other places to avoid. People with relationship issues should avoid revisiting places they used to go with a partner who is no longer in your life. Should someone on a diet visit a candy store? I wouldn’t recommend it. Think about places that you may need to avoid if you want to be secure in your recovery. Is there a family member or former friend who triggers your issues?

Things can also reignite thoughts of returning to an old lifestyle. Music can be a powerful memory trigger, so can some smells. People with relationship issues, sometimes we call these people love-addicts, find it hard to let a relationship go. They keep the old moments out. They think about the things they did together. One last call to see how that person is doing is likely to set off a new round of problems. Carrying lots of cash can trigger some people, especially gambling addicts and former drug dealers. Sometimes it is a pipe or a lighter you find hard to get rid of. Is there something that reminds you of your issue but which you find hard to give up?

Internal triggers are the other part of the equation. The things going on inside our bodies and our minds are also relapse triggers. The word HALT standing for, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired is used as a reminder of those triggers.

Hunger, thirst, and many other physical sensations can make you feel restless, irritable, and unleash the cravings. Negative emotions are powerful relapse triggers. Feeling anger fear or resentment, any number of negative emotions can cause someone to catch a case of “who cares.” Loneliness sends people back to their disorder quickly. Being tired is likely to upset recovery also. All of these internal triggers have to do with not taking care of ourselves. It is a short hop from not taking care of yourself to thinking you don’t deserve care, after that why should you hang on? Why not go back to the old life? People who don’t provide good self-care don’t encourage others to care for them. They start believing they don’t deserve to be treated well and then they stop treating themselves well.

Another way of understanding internal and external triggers is to look at the two main causes of relapse, romances, and finances. Romances are all about your feelings, feelings of loving and being loved, self-worth, and self-esteem. Finances, mostly money, is the ultimate thing. Lack of money can sap our will to change. Having a lot of money makes some people feel they are invincible; the rules don’t apply to them. Pay attention to the healthiness of your relationships with things and with people. When one of these relationships gets out of balance, your life is headed out of balance.

These are only some of the things that might cause you to relapse. We each have our own triggers. What are yours? Knowing your triggers and how to defuse them strengthens your recovery.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Maintenance is a part of change

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you stay changed?

How can maintenance be a part of change? Isn’t maintenance what you do, as needed after the successful results of change are obvious? No, not at all. Not including maintenance as a step in the change process is where many improvement projects, public and private get themselves into trouble. Let me give you a more visual example.

The other day I drove through an older part of town. This part of town, built throughout the Victorian era to the turn of the century was really something once. Today this part of town is a poor neighborhood. While there are still a few houses that reflect the old glory days most of them are getting run down now. A couple of houses are slated for demolition. What happened to those grand old houses? There was no earthquake or fire, nothing dramatic, just the slow process of decomposition.

A roof was torn off, the owner had not bothered to get it fixed and the rain had rotted out the lumber. Another has a porch that has fallen down. Lots of homes have not been painted in a while, broken windows are covered with cardboard, and sometimes there is an old blue tarp over the destruction. Realtors describe these homes as having “deferred maintenance.” Last time I talked with you about relapse as the result of the failure to do a maintenance step. Relapse is a sort of deferred maintenance.

What do we hear from people who relapsed on substances? You hear the story so often it starts to sound like a well-rehearsed poem. The recovering person says they, stopped going to meetings, stopped calling their sponsor, and started hanging out at the old spots. The dieter gets the goal pounds off and then eases up on the diet. The change has been a short-term project and now the deferral of maintenance starts. Eventually, when the change is completely reversed by the relapse the person starts to wonder when they tried to make that change in the first place.

We tell recovering people that whatever you did to get better, you need to keep doing it to stay recovered. Most people don’t want to accept the idea that what was needed was not a quick repair but an ongoing plan of preventative maintenance.

One important component of that relapse prevention plan is learning to provide good self-care. Having a good support system is also vital. People who have positive people in their life, people that want them to do well, are more likely to succeed. Never get to busy to call your support system. One study found that schizophrenics with a warm supportive person in the home with them cut their risk of ending up in a psychiatric hospital by almost 50%. People who attend AA drink less even if they don’t stop altogether. Many weight loss programs include a group component. Being surrounded by others who are also working on their own recovery is likely to strengthen your recovery.

Real lasting change has to include a commitment to a different lifestyle. This does not mean that every self-improvement plan needs to take over your life. If the changes you make are hard to do the chances are that you will stop doing them when the urgency is gone. Urgency is an often-overlooked factor. If your doctor tells you to lose twenty pounds or he can’t do a life-saving surgery, that is motivation. If the judge says to stay off drugs or you will go back to prison that is motivation. But if the diet is a lot of work to keep up it will probably be forgotten way too soon.

The end of this tale is that whatever got you better, diet, meetings, a religious practice, or time with friends, keep doing them. Don’t give up these positive things as you see results from your change efforts.

That is the story of my understanding of stages of change. In future blog posts, I want to talk more about relapse prevention and triggers. We should also talk more about the connection between depression, bipolar, and abuse of a couple of substances. There is a huge connection between mood disorders and substances and not always in the direction you might think. I also want to talk about why it seems there is so much controversy, especially among professionals about the diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I read your comments and appreciate them. I also try to read as many blogs as I can that are written by recovering people of all types. The things you say remind me of things I need to talk about.

There is a lot of pain out there and we know how to help more than ever before – so why is it hard for people to find the help they need?  Why doesn’t therapy always work? What makes counseling helpful? I will give you my take on these issues and would appreciate yours.

I also want to talk to all of you, very soon, about how you might find help when you don’t have the money to pay for the help you need. Till then, here is wishing you all a happy life.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change – early action

Posted on by
10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Early Action – the beginning of visible change.

So here we are in that process of change at the point where we start to do some action steps. Up till now, we have had someone or something that created a reason to consider the need for change. No catalyst and probably most people would never embark on the journey. So we were pre-contemplative. Then we started thinking about the problem, gathering information. We called that contemplation. At some point, people get into preparation, join groups, buy books seek out resources. Still, no change has occurred, not real lasting change anyway. But now it is time for the do or die part, – getting into action.

Stage of change four – Early Action.

Some authors only have five stages of change and they have only one stage for action. I am separating action here into early and late stages as we find that the things people do at the beginning of their recovery process is often different from what they do later on. I got this formulation from Ken Minkhoff and Christine Cline at Zia Partners. You might want to check out their website and the Change Agent Movement they have spawned. The difference between early and late action is easier to see when people have multiple problems, like substance abuse and depression, this is a condition we call co-occurring disorders or complex clients. For someone with depression and a drug problem and a weight loss problem, in the beginning, all they may be able to do is get dressed and go somewhere. For them, this may be early action. Later they will be able to do more.

Now on with our story, first the weight loss example and then examples of other possible changes we might want to make.

So remember my story. I discovered others though I was gaining weight even though I hadn’t noticed. I weighed myself and gathering information and decided I needed to lose weight, maybe even change to some healthier habits. I joined a gym and bought some exercise videos maybe even some getting healthy books. Now I am at the point of starting to do something. I am ready to start exercising and eating healthier.

So at the gym, I seek out a trainer or a fellow member he shows me how to use the equipment, the routines, and the whole culture of healthy living. I like the hanging out and the talking about fitness, the exercises not so much but I do it anyway. Right now my goal is to lose that weight, get that old suit to button closed again, and generally shut up my friends who say I am fat.

At first, I wander around the gym. I try out a machine or two. I check out the weights to see what I can lift. I talk with people who show me how to do things. It amazed me how friendly some people at the gym where and how much they were willing to help a newcomer. The same things happen at AA or other self-help groups, people trying to help each other. In gyms and recovery centers there are professionals also, trainers or therapists, and counselors; they can be especially helpful.

So the workouts continue. The weight is coming off, a little anyway, and I am feeling better and better about myself. The scale still is not saying I have lost that much weight but I always suspected it of being out to get me. One thing I noticed was that even when I was not exercising at the gym, just wandering around, the whole time I was not eating. Even if I wasn’t losing weight I had stopped gaining.

If this were a substance abuse example the person would be going to AA meetings, getting a book, and a sponsor. They might start to share at meetings. There is an old adage that a closed mouth does not get feed so you need to talk as well as listening. Now just like the guy at the gym, the person at AA might still be having thoughts of drinking, but they start to notice that while they are at meetings, they are not drinking. If they can make it from meeting to meeting without drinking the periods of sobriety start getting longer.

Each different recovery group, AA, overeaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous, or weight watchers has its own culture. You need to find one that is comfortable for you. There are over 200 twelve-step groups now and hundreds more of peer and self-help groups. Some gyms program is about exercise and flexibility other groups are all about weight lifting and setting records. A group for cancer patients is not much help to an alcoholic unless they have cancer also. Find the group that is right for you.

Eventually I settle into a routine. I am doing the things I need to do to recover, but I am not there yet. I also am not sure I want to keep this up after I lose the weight. Here is where we start to hear the word maintenance and we also start to talk about relapse. The question becomes – is what I am currently doing enough or is there more. Many people quit drinking or take off the planned weight and then they are good with that. Others want a new healthy lifestyle. So what will it be for you?

So in my weight loss example, I have started an exercise routine, lost a few pounds, though the buttons on that suit are still tight. For a substance abuser, they have made it two or three days without their drug, maybe even three weeks. So now what? What will I do next? Next blog we can talk about how my weight loss or substance abuse recovery program may change as my action moves from a few times to a regular routine.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change part two – contemplation

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8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Contemplation, thinking about your problem is the second stage of change.

Last time we began our discussion of the stages of change by describing how someone might be confronted with a situation where others think you have a problem, a need to change, even before we recognize that something is a problem. We called that stage of change Pre-contemplation.

Lots of people end up in the therapist’s office, court, child custody mediation, a Drunk driver program, or substance abuse treatment who never thought they had a problem. Sometimes they are sent with an ultimatum, do this treatment or else. Sometimes it is a spouse or a boss who says change or else. Sometimes it is too late and the or else has taken effect.

Often they resist thinking that they have a problem despite being required to go to some type of treatment. An interesting thing happens too many of these people, sooner or later. They see other people confronting their problems and those people’s lives are getting better. This is especially powerful in group settings where a group member gets a new job or relationship, someone gets to see their kids again or gets a license back, or someone loses a lot of weight.

Sometimes this mental change can occur after they read a book on solving a particular problem and they start to consider if they might need to change. Once the willingness to think about change occurs they have reached step two in the process of change model.

Step 2: Contemplation

In this stage, the person who is on the road to change is gathering information. That does not mean they agree they have a problem, they may, they may not, but they are open to looking at the facts. So let me continue my weight loss story from our last episode.

I get home and I ask my roommate “Have I gained any weight?” She giggles politely. Maybe it was more like a hysterical laugh. So I go looking for the scale that used to be in my bathroom. Not there. I check in the closet, under the bed, I find it on a top shelf in the garage. I weigh myself. That can’t be. I don’t weigh that much! Do I?  This scale must be broken, that’s why I put it in the garage right?

The next day at work I weigh myself on the certified scale. It gives me a bigger number than my garage scale. This can’t be right. I go to another department and try their scale. It gives me a bigger number yet. I go back to the first scale and reweigh myself. Now the truth hits me. I have put on weight. Not a little, but a lot. The weight gain is getting harder to deny.

Some people get this moment of truth when the judge sentences them. Some when their spouse leaves them or the family doesn’t want them around. For some people, it may be the DUI. Some people get to this realization the second or third time their parole officer sends them to a drug program. Maybe they realize it after the fiftieth job interview that does not result in a job. Could it be me? Do I lack the skills? Do I have a problem?

Whatever it takes eventually those who change get to this point. I am hoping that for you all you need is a little number on a scale. Whatever it is we both have a choice at this point. Change or go on the same course as before.

I could get off the scale at this point and just ignore or accept the fact I am now heavier, maybe even fat, or I can do something about it. I am no longer contemplating. But what will I do next?

Do you have any stories about the changes you have made? Want to share them? You can make a comment if you chose.

Check back next blog for the next installment about how people change.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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12 ways to Sabotage New Year’s resolutions

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

the future

Living the Future
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There are hundreds of articles out there about how to keep New Year’s resolutions. This isn’t one of them. This is about getting out of the ones you already made.

Lots of people make New Year’s resolutions, we feel we have to. But then the next morning we wish we had never said that. Here are some easy ways to make sure that your New Year’s resolution ends up in the dust and ensure that no one blames you for not living up to your promises.

1. Set huge impossible large goals. Despite not exercising for the last  60 years or so and having given up my photograph efforts in the late 1970s, this year I plan to make a film chronicling my success at winning twelve different gold medals in sports I had not previously played. Who could blame me for not keeping that one? The key here is to not plan to do anything, just plan to somehow have achieved the goal without effort.

2. Do not write down your goals or tell anyone. Writing things down leaves evidence. You might be tempted to look at your goals during the year. If you can’t remember what you planned to do how can it be your fault? Telling someone only expands the conspiracy. If you don’t tell, they won’t ask. People who blab their resolutions fell obliged to work on them.

3. Hang out with the losers. If you hang out with successful people you might emulate them. Want to avoid weight loss? Hang out at the donut shop or a buffet; better yet look up a donut buffet.

4. Resolve to change someone else. This is a favorite one that works every time. Plan to change your children or your spouse. Who could blame you if your family does not change? It was certainly your ex’s fault or maybe the fault of those rotten kids, wherever they are these days.

5. Embrace boredom. If it is fun don’t do it. Make resolutions to do boring, painful things not something you might actually get to like if you tried it. Nothing will squash a resolution faster than a good reason to avoid it in the first place.

6. Bet the farm on this one. If you are going to not do something, don’t do something big. Make your resolution so huge that your family might end up homeless if you did not carry through. Who could argue with you giving up your dream for the safety of your family? Doing a series of small things might actually be doable and then you would be stuck with a string of successes. Nothing ends your streak of failures like a small unsuspected success.

7. Test yourself constantly. This works well for alcoholics, who test themselves by buying alcohol and hanging out in bars. If your resolution had to do with food, go shopping and fill the house with your favorite foods. Then check the cupboard or the fridge often just to reassure yourself you have not eaten them – yet. Test yourself often enough you are sure to fail.

8. Don’t worry about being emotional. Watch sad movies and cry. Pick lots of fights. Argue with everyone you can. After an emotional day like that, you are sure to not have the energy needed to work on any stupid resolution. Happiness is incompatible with failure. Laughter can ruin a well thought out sorry-for-yourself binge. Stay moody.

9. Stop sleeping. Stay up all night every night and then sleep all day. Worry about your exercise plan, make a list of things you can’t buy. Lack of sleep will make you irrational but who can blame a half-crazed person for shopping online all night.

10. Give up all friends. Nothing so ensures your failure at resolutions as being totally isolated from all human contact. Quit your job, fight with your spouse till they leave, and hang up on your friends. People who are all alone should not be expected to be a success at anything, right?

11. Don’t eat. Being really eat-a-bear hungry can make you grouchy enough to not only stop trying but to be able to tell anyone still talking to you to put that resolution where the moonshine doesn’t- whatever.

12. If you tried before and failed don’t try again. Some people keep trying. If they keep that up they risk an eventual success. Smokers have an edge here. Most need to try to quit five to seven times so they get to talk about their try’s three or four times before giving up. Be careful though if you try too many times you might just end up making that change.

Well, I hope that this was helpful to all of you who are trying to avoid carrying through on your New Year’s resolutions. You could use this at other times of the year for any other change you are avoiding. Despite all my good advice some of you will try to make and keep New Year’s resolutions. Those of you who are successful will probably have passed through the series of steps we call “Stages of Change.” I see some of my former students smiling at that. They knew I couldn’t slip by mentioning the “Stages of Change.”

Spoiler alert – In a future blog I plan to write about how it is that people who attempt changes really do go about doing it successfully. Some of you are anticipating me and are inferring that real change rarely comes from one time resolutions and may involve a series of steps which we counselors like to term “Stages of Change.” If you prefer making resolutions and then not keeping them, avoid those blog posts.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Which foods have joined a group?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Food

Food.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When did Chocolate become a food group? I like that idea. At one point in time, during World War II there were seven groups. Eventual three groups got kicked out when the foods formed a pyramid. For a while, there were just four foods in the group.

What are those four food groups again?

I thought I knew the four food groups, apparently not. This food science major told me that the four main food groups are – this is important now – are you ready? Sugar, salt, fat, and chocolate. This was good to know as I daily consume lots of these items. She explained that these are the items manufacturers add to make food taste better. Why can’t good tasting also be healthy?

One of my clients told me they were making more money these days and could afford to buy all the four food groups now. They are now eating Beef, Pork, Fish, and Chicken.

There are vegans among us. They suggest that there are a variety of ingredients to eat that will increase our health while being humane and healthy. Most of these ingredients are substances I can’t spell or pronounce.

The Plant Protection Society says many species of plants are endangered. The way to preserve them – eat more animals! I just can’t win.

Somewhere along the road to this millennium the powers that be tried to change the four food groups I learned back in school into a taller, shorter, fatter, pyramid. In the process, a lot of people seem to have gotten confused. I am one of those people. The intent, I am guessing, was to convince us that we should eat more of some food groups than others. This worked well for me, I started eating more chocolate.  Then my pyramid typed over.

Worse yet some of the foods on my pyramid have been indicted for assaulting our health. Remember when eggs were bad?  And what about Coffee – is it a food group? I wish it was. For a long time, coffee was on the most wanted list, we were not supposed to drink it. Didn’t they tell us it stunted our growth? I drank a lot of it but my waist grew anyway. Then we heard that coffee had received a presidential pardon because of its efforts in fighting cancer. So far homeland security has not weighed in on the status of coffee. Is it a legal alien?

Well, whatever food groups you chose to engage with this holiday season, try to make peace with them. You will have to live with the things you eat this year throughout most of next year. From looking down at my waist, foods from several decades past still like me and are along for the ride.

Here is wishing you a happy, healthy, and enjoyable year to come.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Don’t think about elephants

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Elephant.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

For the balance of the time you are reading this blog – please do not think about any elephants.

I know this may be difficult for some of you but whatever you do – do not think about the elephants.

No cheating now.

Do not think about African elephants.

Please do not think about those big gray Indian elephants.

It would be especially important to not think about circus elephants or pink elephants or even cartoon elephants like Dumbo.

So how did you do? Did you think about even one little elephant?

Most of you did think about an elephant, didn’t you?

This short exercise illustrates how difficult it is for a person who has a problem, any problem, to avoid the problem by not thinking about it. The very effort to not think about the problem immediately makes us think of – the thing we were trying to avoid.

Lots of people try to solve their other problems in the same way. Let’s not think about them. Substance abusers who try to not think about their drug of choice spend all their day with the thoughts of that drug running through their heads. Dieters have the same problem, the more they try to think about not overeating the more food intrudes on their thoughts.

So what should you do?

You can’t just sit and think about your problems either that is called brooding. The more you ruminate the more depressed and anxious you will become.

There are two approaches to solving the problem of constant unwanted thoughts.

Do something. Many problems grow the longer you avoid them. Sometimes this is described as – while you are inside hiding from the problem the difficulty is outside doing push-ups. The longer you avoid the trouble the large it looms. Financial problems and unhealthy lifestyles are the most likely to grow. The sooner you take action to cut spending, raise your income, take a second job or just accept that your dream house or toy is really out of reach the sooner you can begin making progress towards solving the problem.

The other approach, the one especially recommended for addictions and other habits that seem to own you is stop trying to not think about the bad habit and begin to focus wholeheartedly on positive things. What would your life be like without that elephant you have allowed to live in your living room? Focus on the new pattern or activity you want to replace the unwanted tendency.

How do you decide which method will be most successful?

If you do nothing will the issue you are avoiding eventually destroy you? Addictions will, a mounting debt will. Unhealthy lifestyles, like smoking, will eventually shorten or end your life. Doing nothing should never be an option.

Unhealthy habits like addictions can never be overcome by sitting passively and resisting the urges. As a counselor, I don’t try to take an unhealthy behavior away from someone, which leaves them empty and hurting. Instead, we try to find something desirable, worthy, and uplifting to replace the burden the client is trying to put down.

So, in the end, the best successes for changing your life and improving the self comes not from struggling to avoid something but from finding a new positive goal to move towards.

As many a twelve-stepper will tell you, the greatest progress towards recovery comes in the times when we seek to do something for someone else. Trying to be of services to others, thinking of how we might help them always takes us further away from our own defects of character.

Here is wishing you a happy journey towards whatever happy life goal you decide to pursue.

P. S. The picture is from Wikimedia Commons.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel