Are you successful?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is success – How will you know when you get there?

Lots of people would say success is having some amount of money or material things. We might each have a different idea of just how much that would be.

Some people would say they want to be a millionaire. Other people will tell us that they just want to have enough to get by, though their definition of getting by may vary widely. So how will you know when you get there?

A million dollars you say? Is that “have a million in the bank to spend” or earn a million this year? People who earn more find they have to spend more. This is a cycle that never ends. At $25,000 per year over the 45 years most Americans work, you will earn 1 and ¼ million dollars.  Yet most people will tell you that in America it is hard to live on $25,000 per year.

Still, there are people in other places on earth that live on $500 per year or less. While they are poor and they have to struggle for food and medical care, are we really sure they are any less happy in their lives than we are? Some of you are aware that an expensive cage does not make for freedom; it only makes for a fancier cage.

So besides just an absolute amount of money in life, something else may determine if we consider ourselves successful.

Who is more successful, the man with a lot of money whom everyone hates and disrespects or the man of moderate means who has lots of friends and everyone likes? Do the opinions of others influence your idea of success?

How many home runs do you need to hit to be a success? Does it matter if you had to take steroids to hit that many?

What makes us feel successful may be a gender thing. Men are traditionally considered successful and they rate themselves based on the things they have and the things they have accomplished in their lives. Women traditionally rated themselves on their relationships. Had they done a good job of raising their children? Does their partner love them?

Women have told me that they would be OK living in a car as long as they knew their partner loved them. Men say if their family had to live in a car they would feel like a failure.

What is your definition of success? What things, tangible, and intangible do you need to have to be successful?

Now, as we are starting this new year, might be a good time to sit down and make up a list of the things that you feel you need to make you feel successful. Do you already have those things? What is missing?

The point of writing this list down on paper is to make those thoughts in your head real and tangible. As we go through the year and talk about happiness and success you can pull that list out and review it. Are you making progress on changing yourself and your life? Are you moving towards being a success and away from any other way of being?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Annual Happiness Drive – Please contribute some happiness

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Could you spare a cup of happiness?

Just when you thought the holidays were over and you had seen an end to charity requests, here comes another one.

Wait – don’t go. This one will not cost you a dime.

That’s right, don’t want your money, not now anyway. Later when or if my book comes out you can buy one if you are so inclined. But for now, I am asking –

“Do you have any happiness that you can spare?”

Here is the thing we learn about happiness, when you share it you do not have less. Every time you share your happiness with others there is more until there is more than enough to go around.

So if you can spare a little happiness and send it to me, then I promise to pass it on.

Now you can’t wrap it up and ship it. True happiness is not a thing you can put in a box, it is a feeling. So while you can’t ship happiness to me, you might be able to tell me about it in an email, and then I will be able to share that happiness with you. Then I can pass it on to others.

Now some people mistake things for happiness. They will tell us that they are happy that they got a new car. Sometimes they mistake happiness for having something that is better than what others have.

Please don’t share that “I am happy because I have more than you” with me. Eventually, someone else will come along and have more than you, and then all of us will be unhappy.

What I especially am hoping for during this “Happiness Drive,” are the people who can share with me that one thing that someone said or did for them this year that made them truly happy.

So this might be a kind word or a sunset you shared with a friend. It may be a goal accomplished in your life or a problem solved. For many of you, it will be a new person in your life, a child, grandchild, or friend.

You may have a picture, which is fine if you want to share it. Please keep them small if you can. Not sure how much space we have in this old soapbox. But mostly I would like to hear from you, what made you happy in this last year and how might others be able to share that happiness with you.

As we walk through this year we want to look a lot more at happiness, what it is, how you get some, and how you keep it. It will help us in this task if we know what happiness looks like. That is where those of you who chose to share a little of your happiness comes in. By letting us see how happiness has affected you in your life maybe we can increase it in our lives.

Any contributions of happiness will be appreciated.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

2012 Yearend Wrap up – End of the world, unhappiness and what comes next

Counselorssoapbox.com

12-31-12

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

This has been some year. For good or bad it is now almost over. Some awful things occurred this year and some wonderful things. Hidden in the gloom of the year past there just may have been some seeds of things to come, which were planted this year. We will need to nurture some of those seeds in the years to come.

Some of the seeds from the past, like violence, need to be weeded out of our future.

Thanks to those of you who have been reading counselorssoapbox through this year. This was the first full year of this blog. Over that year I have learned to do a lot of things that we not even on my “to do” list a year ago. Hopefully, this old dog can continue to learn a few new tricks.

Readership on counselorssoapbox has risen from one or two people a day to hundreds. Some of you have “liked” my posts and some of you have disagreed, which is as it should be.

About that end of the world stuff.

Personally, I am hoping that there was some truth to it. Clearly, most of us are still here and the planet is still spinning, but there are a whole lot of things that we need to put an end to. My thinking is that periodically an “age” comes to an end and the course of the future shifts. If we could change that future what would we need to change?

I am old enough now to know that I am not too good at changing others so If I want any change I need to start by changing me.

This last year the blog has focused on a whole lot of problems. There sure are a lot of them. I have written about mental illness, substance abuse, and the struggles involved in overcoming those issues. It seems to me that it is time for a shift.

It is easy to point to the problems, but what do we do now, where do we go from here? Some of you may have taken note that I have been working on a couple of books that I hope to release before the end of 2013. The focus of those books is on how we recover; bounce back from the events in life that knock us down. I also plan to write more about how you go about planning for more resilience and recovery in your life.

So over the next year, I want to focus more on the road to happiness and less on the pain of the past. Regardless of what issue you are dealing with, I believe in recovery. So let’s spend some time in the year to come talking about how to be well, have a happy life and avoid relapsing into the issues that we have all struggled with.

Don’t think I have all the answers. I have learned a few things so far on this journey of life but every day seems to bring new questions. Chime in here from time to time and help me out with both the answers you have found and the questions that matter to you.

So the discussion needs to swing from diseases and disorders to solutions and recovery. From time to time we may need to go back and talk about a particular problem, but I will try to stay focused on how it is that people with this or that issue still manage to have happy lives.

Some of you are making New Year’s resolutions right about now. We will talk about that in the year to come. Me, I am not big on making resolutions. I do try to make changes, always making changes; I am a work in progress, not a done deal. So for me, change happens day by day. It is not always pretty but it keeps happening.

Please stay tuned and let’s see what we find on this journey towards a happier life.

Photo courtesy of Les Lucas.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Sleep and Mental Illness connection

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

sleep

Child sleeping.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does poor sleep cause mental illness or does mental illness keep you from sleeping?

There is a huge connection between mental health issues and insomnia. This fact has been recognized for a long time and its recognition has been built into most of the diagnostic codes.

Some recent studies are making mental health professionals question if have gotten the connections right. Could be there are more connections between sleep and good mental health than we thought.

Sleep disturbances are a diagnostic feature of Major Depressive Disorder. Typical depression includes the inability to sleep. Depression with atypical features is characterized by excessive sleeping. Clients might describe this as hibernating in bed. But depression is not the only mental illness in which sleep features play a role.

Bipolar disorder requires a period of mania or hypomania for diagnosis. One key feature of the “mania spectrum” is needing less or very little sleep and being able to function on reduced sleep. I don’t recall ever reading about a “mania spectrum” but the variability of the way clients report manic-like symptoms is making me think that there is a continuum of manic symptoms just like the continuum of other disorders.

There are specific sleep disorders but as a counselor and therapist, I don’t believe I have ever been called on to work in that area. Most sleep disorders are seen as more medical problems. It is only when a lack of sleep or excessive sleep begins to affect someone’s overall mental health that we counselors get to talk with them.

One health concern has become that increasing weight, the epidemic of obesity it has been called, can cause poor sleep. So we need to wonder if inactivity, excess calories, and weight gain are harming our mental as well as our physical health.

There is also a connection between poor sleep and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) Nightmares, as well as daytime intrusive memories, are considered symptoms of PTSD. We probably should observe a distinction between bad dreams and nightmares. With bad dreams, people do not awaken until the morning and may or may not have detailed memories of the dream. Sometimes others around them are aware they had a bad dream even if the dreamer is not aware.

Nightmares are much nastier creatures. They are characterized by strong negative emotions and frequent “awakenings” from the dream. People who have nightmares are much more likely to remember them because they keep waking up.

We also know that having nightmares will prolong the symptoms of PTSD. In a previous post, I wrote about the way in which nightmares play a role in maintaining PTSD symptoms. Nightmares and dreams, good or bad dreams are strongly connected to spiritual, religious, and cultural values. Some people also see nightmares as warnings about the future and as a source of intuition. Given that past experiences are a basis for dreams and that what happened in the past may happen again, dreaming about worries would seem to be a normal phenomenon.

What if we have this all backward? Could a sleep disruption be a cause of mental illness rather than a symptom or a maintenance factor?

One study of veterans of the Iraq war looked at the relationship between insomnia and PTSD. Now this is just one study so the results are preliminary and more studies may not get the same result, still, the results were surprising.

What they found was that for these veterans insomnia came BEFORE the PTSD symptoms. Insomnia 4 months after returning from deployment predicted the development of PTSD symptoms at 8 months post-deployment (Wright, Et al., 2011.) It seems likely that an increase in anxiety resulting from being in a risky situation could cause sleep disruptions and the result, much later, would be episodes of mental health problems.

Their suggestion and there was a lot more to this study was that sleep functioned as an emotional regulator. So insomnia may be both a symptom of, and a cause of, mental illness. An increase in insomnia predicted who would develop depression as much as three years later.

Good self-care, including a healthy diet, exercise, and good sleep hygiene has long been an integral part of relapse prevention in substance abuse. We are also seeing that relapse prevention is an important part of mental health recovery.

What if sleep changes could be an effective predictor of mental health relapse? In what ways might we be able to improve our sleep and thereby improve our mental health?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The question why? – In therapy

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The question why in therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does it help to know why?

More than half the time in most therapy sessions is spent on the question of why? Most of the time the focus of the why question, is not on the client but on some other person in their life. Clients spend a good deal of time asking me why their partner did this or that, why did their parents do something, and so on.

It would be reassuring to know why. Most of us think if we just knew “why” then we could prevent something bad from happening. The great illusion of most relationships is that we can somehow control the behavior of others. Most of the time we can’t control the others in our lives, and except for teaching our children good behavior, controlling others is probably not healthy.

The questions we should be asking are not about others. More helpful questions are the ones we ask about ourselves. What do I really want out of life, what are my values? How much am I willing to invest in reaching my goals? Can I accept this situation? What am I willing to do to change?

Sometimes we focus on others to avoid looking at ourselves. It is easy to upset yourself about things happening in the next apartment, across the street, or across the country.  Looking at what is happening in your own life is more productive. It is also more challenging.

People like to vent about their partner, their boss, or their children. It would be easy to devote a lot of therapy time to talking about others. Conversations between friends often turn to talking about others. We call that practice gossiping. It is easy to do. We may even think that by discussing others, we can gain some insight into the situation, some way to improve our outcomes.

One thing we tell clients in therapy is that it is not productive to talk about people who are not in the room. Taking about your conflicts with your partner may make you feel better, temporarily, but it won’t change the situation. There are two ways to improve this relationship situation, get the other person in the therapy room, or change yourself.

Marriage, Child, and Family Therapist’s work from a “systems” perspective, to change a family situation it helps to get all the people involved in the room. Often the “identified patient” is not the one with the problem. Let’s look at some examples of this situation.

The mother comes in with her teenage child. The child has a severe weight problem. The child has become depressed as a result of being overweight. Despite mom’s best efforts to put this teen on a diet, make them exercise; the teen continues to gain weight. The teen comes to therapy; they don’t want to talk about their weight. What is on their mind is the way their parents have been fighting and every time they go to visit Grandma, she runs mom down the whole visit.

Turns out that because of the marital conflict, every time dad takes this teen out they stop somewhere for something to eat. Dad always says “don’t tell your mother, she is way too hard on you,” which the teen tries to respect.

When the teen visits grandma, she does the same thing, makes excuses for why the teen does not need to lose weight, and rewards the teen with food treats. Grandma does not like her daughter-in-law and gets even with her by being the teens “friend” and sabotaging the mother’s plans for the teen to lose weight.

Working with the teen around weight loss may not be very effective. One approach is to get the whole family together at once and talk about how they are all colluding to use the teen’s weight as a way to try to control or get even with other family members.

Sometimes we can’t get the whole family to therapy. We have to work with the teen on what they really want. If the teen is impacted by this weight issue, we may need to help them to learn how to say no to dad and grandma’s efforts to sabotage their diet. Some teens can’t resist the family dance and are stuck.

Boys escape this family dance by joining the military or running away from home. Girls try to escape by getting pregnant, moving in with a man, or some other way of having to leave the family. Both genders may also use drugs and alcohol to escape intolerable conflicts.

Another situation that results in a lot of talk about a person who is not in the room is the spouse of the alcoholic or addict. They are likely to want to spend a lot of time on how to make their partner stop or on what they did to make them drink and use.

The spouse did nothing to make their partner abuse substances.  A bad relationship may have contributed, but it is not the cause. People drink and use to change the way they feel. Eventually, they lose the ability to cope without the substances. Some people can use and drink a little or even drink a lot and then stop when they want. Other people find that when they try to stop, they can’t. We consider this an example of the disease of addiction.

There is not much the non-using partner can do to stop the other person’s substance abuse.  They have a choice. End the relationship, say that this is more than you signed on for and you are done, or you can accept that the other person is the way they are and go on from there. Spending time talking about the person who is not in the room is not helpful here either.

Do you spend a lot of time asking why others do what they do? How much time have you spent looking at yourself? What do you really want? What can you accept or not accept?

Don’t waste time on the why; work on the “what and how” of the changes you need to make to have a happy future.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why they don’t finish college.

School classroom

School.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The prize does not always go to the fastest, the best, or the brightest.

Recently there has been some pressure on the college system, especially the community colleges, to account for the large number of students who start college but do not finish and of those that do frequently take far longer than the recommended number of years to finish up that degree.

This pressure makes sense when we think of what it takes to run an institution of higher learning. The public resents subsidizing students who want to keep going to school and yet never finish and start working. The objective of the community college among other things is to help people learn skills that will lead to employment so students who just keep on going but never graduate seems like an abuse of the system.

Having been one of those students and then having had the opportunity to return a few decades later to teach some classes, let me try to explain what is going on here.

So let me tell you a story. This is a story about an athletic scholarship but the principle would be the same regardless of the student’s goal. And since you may remember that I am a story-teller at heart forgive me for any inadvertent embellishment.

There was this kid, Jess was his name or so they tell me, that lived up in the mountains. He liked to go out along the trail that led down to the old country store. He liked the hill so much he would find almost any excuse to run down that hill to that store. Jess would run every chance he got just for the pure pleasure of it. Every day people would see Jess running, there goes that fool boy running again they would mutter, and off he would go.

Running up and down those hills was the best thing in Jesse’s life. He did not try to run real fast, no point in that, cause he just like being out there in the woods on the trails. But he was getting stronger and stronger. Real strong runner the people in town would say.

Now down in the valley, there were these bunch of people and a whole parcel of schools. One school, in particular, they had this great big fancy running track. They had some track club run there almost every weekend. This kid’s name of Arnold, Arnold T. Spingate, his dad took him there all the time. Arnold’s dad was a runner and he wanted his son to be one also.

So starting at age 5 Arnold T Spingate, his father signed him up for a running club. By six he was running in competitions most everywhere. And was that boy fast. He won most times he ran. Only one problem Arnold did not like to run, he only did it cause his dad pushed him. The more dad pushed the harder Arnold ran and the harder he ran the more he won. You would have thought that this would make dad proud, but no matter how much Arnold won dad pushed him some more.

Now on the other side of town lived a kid name Lee, you were expecting the poor side weren’t you? Well, they weren’t exactly poor, not poor like Jess up in the mountains but they did not have the money like Arnold’s family. But one thing Lee had, was parents that loved him, and that encouraged him. He also had an elementary school P. E. teacher that told him the way to be something someday was to go to college and the way to do that was to get a scholarship, an athletic scholarship if you could.

So Lee decided in one of the early grades he was gonna win a scholarship to a college. He wasn’t real big, no good at football and not real strong like the wrestlers, but he was passable at running and so day after day, week after week, while all the rest of the school did them team sports Lee just kept on running. He was not for sure the fastest but that did not stop him he just kept running.

So you can see where this is going, can’t you? This big fancy college down at the end of the valley, they had them some leftover athletic scholarships so they set up this race and they invite the runners from anywhere about that want to come to try out. Their plan was to find the best runner and offer them a scholarship to come run track for their school.

Now the week before the big race, last-minute like Jess hears about this race while hanging out at the country store. He gets some teasing bout how he was always running so he decides to give it a shot and signs up for this big race.

Arnold never had a say in it. His dad had the application all filled out and ready to sign before Arnold T. Spingate ever saw it. Arnold does not want to race, getting tired of this. His friends are all going to a party the night before the big race and he wants to go. His dad wants him to race.  So they strike a deal. Arnold can go to the party he just needs to be home by ten P. M. so he can rest up for the race.

Now Lee hears about this big race from his school coach. This is what he has been waiting for. He keeps on training as hard as he can. Lee’s family didn’t have much money so he doesn’t even ask them for help, but Lee does mow a couple of lawns to earn that bus fare to the school where the big race will be.

Well, the day of the race Jess shows up in a pickup driven by his uncle who bright him down from the mountain. Lee rides the bus and gets there just in the nick of time. And Arnold, he shows up in his dad’s fancy new car. Arnold does bring along this great big hangover to keep him company. His dad is of course furious.

Seems Arnold was so used to winning, the way he figured it, he could stay out as late as he wanted and on this occasion, he tried drinking like his buddies. Arnold has won so many races he figures he will win hangover or no.

So who do you like to win this race? The kid whose father has had him running and winning since he could walk? Or the kid who runs day and night all over the hills, who does it for the fun of it. Or that kid who no one thought had any talent, including him but he has stuck with it for all these years working and practicing for this shot.

So if you were thinking at this point that I picked those names, Arnold and Lee and Jess because of some big-name politicians, why you would be wrong. If you were figuring these were their real names, well you’d be wrong about that too.

What I hope you got is that the people who finish college are not the smart ones, they usually get sidetracked and start partying. We know F students drink twice as much as A students. The ones who go because they like to learn, they don’t always finish school either. They get bored with all those required subjects and many times they don’t know how smart they are cause they have never been told they could do anything and so they quit before long. The ones who finish college, why those are the ones that just keep going class after class till they get it done.

Who won the race you ask? How would I know? I never did hear that. You will need to figure that one out for yourself. But keep asking yourself how many others never got to race. Cause if college is only for the winners how do we know who should get the chance to race?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Has our diet of self-esteem spoiled?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Low Self-esteem

Low Self-esteem.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is self-esteem making us sick?

We have reached the point, in much of this world, where everyone needs to be above average. What this means for us and for our future is yet to be determined. But it is possible that this constantly forced diet of having more self-esteem is starting to make us all sick.

First, we need to figure out what above average means. Average used to be a mathematical concept, take scores, add them up and divide by the number of people. We also had mathematic concepts for the most common score and the score in the middle.

I have never heard any individual referred to as being a “modal” or “median” person. But lots of people get referred to as “average” and this is customarily used in a derogatory manner as if being average was somehow to be less than acceptable.

There are some huge consequences of this “everyone needs to be above average” theorem.

First, we need to lower the standards until at least half of us can get above that score. So it has become common practice for some years now that everyone in a class needs to get an A. Anyone who did not get an A is now considered a failure. That requirement for perfection has resulted in a culture of giving out lots of A’s. Everyone gets an A now.

Now when I was in school a perfect GPA was a 4.0. If anyone was getting a grade better than that, they never told us. Yes, some really smart kids when over to the college for a few classes the last year in High school but they might get a B or even a C in that college class and we will all very impressed that they were taking college classes.

Today I hear that kids are taking AP classes in high school. This has been going on for a while now. So the good colleges now will not look at a student with a 4.0 GPA which used to be a perfect score. Now you need a 4.2 or 4.3 to get considered.

The result, more kids get A’s but the “average” kid can’t read or write and they get their education from watching television.

We are in fact distorting things so that reality is no longer real. Everyone is above average and anyone who is not perfect is a failure. Life has become a virtual adventure. Homes include virtual pets and virtual parents.

Thank god for prisons. Because the prisons are our great housing project for people who are not above average. Many prison inmates are in fact illiterate. So we are close to making being below average a qualification for being a permanent member of the incarcerated class.

Now if you are above average always, even if they have had to lower the bar so you can always be above it, you might come to think of yourself as better than average, superior, even entitled. We used to call this narcissistic. We have stopped thinking of people who feel superior as narcissistic and we now evaluate them as either “average” or a political candidate. Those who have refined narcissism to a science get to lose other people’s money on Wall Street.

Now if you are above average, and everyone is above average and to be below average means you are a worthless failure, what do you do when you fail to be above average at something.

Why you get angry, very, very angry. You blame the test, the teacher and the whole school system. And if no one agrees with us that being less than average is not fair then we could sue or get violent.

This whole need to be better than others to be OK is at the root of a lot of this world’s problem. My religion needs to be more correct than yours otherwise I may be wrong and less right than you and that would mean that I am defective somehow. So if you do not believe like I do I need to kill you to make me more religiously correct. See how this whole need to always be better than others and more correct can be a rabbit hole down which society may disappear to never be seen again.

Mr. Ellis liked to remind us, I kind of miss that guy these days, that the problem was not low self-esteem. The problem is this whole notion of rating ourselves as if our whole life were some sort of televised bowl game and we needed to die with the highest score.

Rather than this whole truckload of self-esteem and how we need to be better than everyone else, we need to be talking about how to be more accepting, of ourselves and those who are different from us in so many ways.

Higher levels of compassion are desperately needed and the place that most needs an increase in compassion is right in our own homes. Start by having more compassion for yourself and those around you and then when you have some excesses of compassion spread that around. Unlike self-esteem where you dare not give it away or you will run out, compassion has a much better flow rate. You can spread compassion around and it seems to go on forever.

Want a healthier world? Switch from a high self-esteem diet to a high compassion diet.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel