Tag Archives: recovery and resilience

Flavors of motivation – Personality traits and factors

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation.

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is there one best motivation technique?

So far we have been talking about what it will take to get from where you are, wherever that might be, to the place you want to go. I have defined that place as having a happy life – whatever that might mean to you.

Last year I also posted a series of pieces about stages of change, how it is that we think people go about changing. While each of you may be in a different stage of change and we may all be in different stages of change for different problems, the focus of the posts this month is on gathering information so you can decide for yourself what, if anything, you want to change.

One aspect of making these changes we will need to talk about is motivation. This post is meant to be an introductory post on the topic of motivation. In “Motivation Month” there will be a longer series of posts on other aspects of motivation.

There is lots of material on the web about motivation, plenty of motivational speakers, and books on motivation. Some motivational methods work well for some people, some of the time, but no motivational program seems to be a clear success all of the time.

One consideration in designing a motivation program is who you are trying to motivate. One set of techniques may be more effective for self-motivation and another set works better for motivating others.

Psychologists have been studying the way in which personality factors – sometimes reported as the “big five” factors influence motivation. They influence other parts of your behavior and feelings also. There is some disagreement as to how much of personality is genetic and how much is learned. I think both factors play a role and therefore you start where you start but you can learn to be otherwise. Here are the big five factors.

Extroverts want the money or fame.

People who are extroverts are more likely to be motivated by more tangible status-related rewards than introverts. Extroverts want to raise their status. Fame, attention, high salaries are all likely to motivate the extrovert. Bosses will find tangible rewards, money, a corner office, or a prime parking space are likely to increase the extrovert’s motivation.

If you are looking to raise your status and need to self-motivate look for activities that will bring you into contact with lots of people. Networking, speaking before groups, making an increased number of calls, all these things are likely to motivate you and to increase your productivity.

Agreeable people need friends.

People who are high in agreeableness are motivated by getting along. They value communication. Not the kind of communication that is aimed at getting someone to do what you want them to, but the sort of communication that involves really understanding and being understood.

Agreeable people will work for less money if they feel that their coworkers are friends. They are excellent candidates for morale or social committees. They may be more motivated by working in an altruistic setting like a nonprofit even if the money is less.

Conscientious people need to get things done.

A person who is high on conscientiousness is task-oriented. They like to be able to work on a project where they can see the results of their efforts. They are big on self-discipline.

They show up for work on time, not because someone is watching them but because it is the “right” thing to do.

They are likely to be internally motivated. If you need to motivate a conscientious person, make sure they know the rules and expectations of the job and why these things are important.

Anxious people need security.

People who are anxious are sometimes referred to as being low in emotional stability. They will be motivated by results that improve their security. Anxious people will be more motivated by a long-term promise of secure employment or a pension fund than by current high salaries.

If you are high in anxiety you can increase your motivation by planning ways to increase your security.  Most people are one paycheck away from being homeless; saving up 6 months or more in living expenses can be very motivating to an anxious person.

Personality type is not the whole answer to motivating yourself and others but it is one point to begin your thinking about the role of motivation in your journey towards having a happy life.

Throughout this year there will be more on the topic of motivation. Stay tuned as we help each other design and move towards happier, more rewarding lives.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Afraid to say pray? Spirituality, religion and a happy life

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Praying.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The role of Prayer, spirituality, and religion in creating a happy life.

I have held off on discussing this topic as long as I can. It is with great trepidation that I even put the keywords, prayer, religion, and spirituality into my blog.

But there is a connection between what you believe and your ability to have a happy life. We find that people who have a spiritual belief are more able to create the changes needed to improve their life. Having friends is helpful and having somebody with a whole lot of pull in the universe would be even better.

Nothing has been so effective in human history at dividing us up into in and out groups and becoming an excuse for war or general mayhem, then what we call our particular spiritual belief. If you have a particular aversion to Religion in general, please read on, I believe that for you, recovery is possible also and you don’t need to sign on for my particular religious belief system in order to have a happy life.

I, like so many others, have from time to time referred to myself as a recovering —— (fill in name of several religions here.) I came from a region where at one time the “Regular” Baptists and the “Separate” Baptists used to get guns and shoot at each other. It was the 60’s, the 1860’s. But the idea is still in play.

Further north and a little east of there some of my ancestors tried to kill each other and then had to flee because somewhere Catholic and others were Protestants. Descendants of these faiths and a whole lot of others end up marrying each other and I am one of those results. I find it increasingly difficult, no impossible, to take sides in all these sectarian disputes.

So what does that have to do with recovery?

The hard part for many people in recovery, recovery from any and all of life’s problems, has been to separate those old religious rituals and dogmas from reconnecting with some sort of deeply felt beliefs.

Prayer is one of those useful beliefs.

Now it would appear that there are a whole lot of different understandings of who we pray to and what prayer is, but the results tell me that those that pray have better and happier lives.

Twelve-step groups in their early days had to come up with a solution to this God and belief problem. They use the term “God as you understand him” So that includes all the various denominations as well as the various other names by which people may call their “higher power.”

I will try to avoid those old sectarian disputes, though at this point I suspect I have already wandered into the minefield and shortly my comments and inbox will fill with comments from people saying “If you don’t pray the way we do at the First Church of —- then God hates you and you are going to —.”

Prayer is too important to our recovery from unhappiness and a whole lot of other issues to be left out of the equation.

Wholly sectarian philosophies often incorporate practices that look and sound suspiciously like prayer. Creative visualization, meditation, the law of attraction, all these things try to put us in touch with something greater than ourselves. So does “wish-craft” and psyching yourself up to create better performance.

As we take this journey towards our happy life, whatever you may define that as being, we will need to talk about the role of faith, belief, prayer, and meditation. I don’t expect to write anything that intentionally offends anyone and I do believe that what I say will not contradict anyone’s current religious practice.

I have not studied religion in any professional capacity and don’t presume to tell anyone what they “should” believe. What I do know based on my training in counseling and psychotherapy is that believing in something is helpful in creating a positive, mentally healthy life.

This raises a bunch of questions we need to consider.

Does God, your higher power, the forces of the universe, or whomever, hear and answer your prayers? Even if it is your own subconscious that hears and responds, what might be the advantages of giving some prayer a try?

Why do some people say they get answers to their prayers and others say they don’t? What improves the chances that you will get an answer? How many different ways could your prayer be answered?

What is all this meditation stuff and why do people talk about “prayer and meditation?” Don’t you do one or the other?

This material on prayer, meditation, and spirituality will get sprinkled throughout the year so as to avoid giving anyone spiritual indigestion.

From personal experience, I have concluded that my Higher Power (as I understand them) has not one or two ways to answer my prayers. I am quite convinced that I have received at least four different answers to my requests. Your answers to prayer may vary from that number depending on your actual situation. I have also learned that I was not very skilled at praying. I have needed to change the technique I use.

Let me tell you in a future post about those four different answers you may receive and why we may all be amateur prayers.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Finding your Quest – what life challenge will define you?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Meaning.

Meaning.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Have you found your life’s purpose?

It is my view that each and every person has a reason for being – beyond that night their parents spent together. Some of us find our purpose easily and the rest of our life leads in that direction. For others of us, we can’t see that purpose till late in life after we have accumulated a vast collection of experiences.

We are all the heroes of our own lives.

Every great epic story involves a hero and a quest. In the heroic drama, there is a customary sequence of events that sets up the required quest. Good fiction writers know this and give you plenty of quest elements to make their stories interesting. When I write fiction I try to incorporate those elements. In my counseling practice I find that clients have been on personal quests, searches for life’s meaning, that rival any I think up for a work of fiction.

The epic begins with the hero being asked to undertake some great and meaningful task. They are thinking of doing something to save mankind or prevent a great global disaster.  Interview a group of first-graders and ask them what they plan to be when they grow up and you will get a list of those professions that try to make a difference. Somewhere along the line, we decide not to embark on that quest.

In the hero story, the protagonist usually says no. I don’t want to devote my life to helping the homeless or some other noble undertaking. Here the hero goes off on his own and tries to have a lot of fun. Sound familiar. We may suspect we have some special purpose but no, we decide to live our lives for ourselves and let others worry about the homeless and world peace.

Now in the hero story, the main guy finds he can’t escape his destiny no matter how hard he tries. The war comes to his town, the shelling destroys his home and now he is one of those homeless refugees of war. He has to do something to end homelessness and war if only to save himself. Maybe in the process, he puts on a white helmet and tries to save a few children.

Notice that most people in the helping professions have had to overcome some issues, in themselves or their families, the quest to improve their world was thrust on them whether they wanted it or not.

Counselors in substance abuse facilities have historically been people in recovery from alcoholism or addiction. They have to save others to save themselves. I have also seen people who grew up without parents who were moved from caregiver to caregiver, who made it their life work to be super parents or to work with other parentless children.

So in this epic we call our lives we may get distracted, sometimes for years, but eventually, we need to face the task of finding a purpose for our lives. We embark on this quest or we waste away never knowing that our life could have had a purpose and a meaning.

We may stumble along in life, endure pain, and suffer a little. Hopefully, learn that the pain may be a requirement but the suffering is optional. Eventually, we find our life purpose. Right?

Wish it were that easy.

The way this heroic quest plot plays out in the movie theater or the novel is a lot easier to see than in our own lives.

In the novel version, once the hero sets off there are all kinds of obstacles put in his way. He may encounter dragons and demons and all sorts of stuff. He will be arrested and thrown in a dungeon and then have to find the magic key that sets him free.

A writer’s expression that fits with this scene is “when the hero reaches for the key, cut off his hand.” This sounds cruel I know, but in the giant epic, there is never a point where the hero knows things are getting better. Not till he gets to the end and looks back.

So what does this have to do with our personal recovery? Sometimes recovery is not pretty. This is a real-life and bad things can keep happening even when you are trying to do the right thing. The thing that will give your life real meaning, will make your quest worth undertaking, is to find that thing that says to you it needs doing no matter what it takes.

If you can find that quest, your life will have meaning no matter how hard the struggles.

Are you willing to undertake a great heroic quest to become the best person you can be?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do you do when nothing is working? – Problem solving.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Problem-solving.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When the old solutions do not work – then what?

How about you? When your best effort to solve your problem has not worked what things might you try?

It surprises many of us that there is a relatively simple, standardized process, for solving problems. This procedure is not a onetime find a solution but a continuous feedback loop that works for companies, governments, and dare I say, families and individuals.

1. Gather information about the problem first.

What exactly is the problem? Are there other ways of looking at this? If you define the problem as someone else’s behavior you are at an impasse. If you define the problem as your response to their behavior then lots more options open up to you

2. Whenever possible get outside expert advice.

Look for the person that might have the most information and the best insight into your problem. If it is a money problem consider advice from a financial adviser or tax person. For mental health problems or relationships consider at least one visit with a counselor or therapist to see how they might be able to help you.

For a family problem, try to get information and insight from other members of the family. This does not mean that you need to agree with them or do what they tell you, but it is beneficial if you can get their insight. Asking them and then really listening to their opinion is a long way from what most of us do, which is ask, and then argue with them. That old, Yes but, and No but, game will kill the value of any advice you might receive.

3. Generate a list of possible solutions to your problem.

Akin to brainstorming, the goal of this process is to get a list of all possible solutions. They do not have to be realistic solutions. The wilder the better. It is a lot easier to take a wild suggestion and tame it down then to take a timid suggestion and breathe life into it.

4. Evaluate that list of potential problem solutions.

Combine ideas where possible, modify the outlandish ones to make them practical, or find ways to make the more creative ones work. The ones that will not work do they suggest an alternative that might work?

Which potential solution has the best chance of success?

5. Implement this solution.

This requires a plan for implementing the solution. Who will do what when? How will we know if the solution has been implemented?

Give it a fair trial. Decide at the outset how long you will give this solution. How will you know if it is working? Just saying you will do it and then, “there, we did it” are not enough. How will you genuinely know if the things you did improved the situation?

Make sure you actually do the work required.

6. Plan from the beginning a time to evaluate your progress.

Has your efforts to change things made a difference? Has there been enough change to justify your efforts? Do we really think that if you keep on in this direction things will get better? Should you change and try idea number two?

7. Continue to modify the things you are doing based on the evaluation and improvement until you can see a significant improvement in the problem.

So a brief practical example of this approach. The family finds that they are behind on the bills, the credit card is maxed out and the cell phones and cable are about to be turned off. After a lot of arguing and yelling they decide to sit down and talk this over.

Some ideas are developed. They consider bankruptcy. Mom suggests she could get a job, dad could get a part-time job or they could try cutting the bills. The kids scream they will just die if they don’t have phones.

The decision, for now, is that they will make up a list of how much they are spending, on what and look for things they can change.

They talk to a bookkeeper and the helpful man at the credit union. They make up that list of bills and payments and see just what dad is making every week. On paper, it just does not add up. Bankruptcy will not work, it would cost some money and even after they file, dad will still not be making enough to pay all the current monthly bills.

Dad could get some overtime. Mom offers to look for a job. They try this solution.

A month later things are not much better. Dad has not been getting that much overtime. Mom has not found work and the cable and cell phones, they are now turned off. Additionally, mom has had to pay for babysitting for the little one so she can look for work.

The revised solution? One of the older ones will watch the little one, saving the baby’s sitting money. Mom will try an employment service at the college where she was taking a night class and dad offers to give up his Saturday golf game until they are back on track. The oldest asks that when mom gets a job could she have the first chance for a phone since she is doing the babysitting.

Each month as they go along they find the things they can’t pay for, well they are getting by without them so they can come off the budget. Mom begins to work and eventually things stabilize.

Here comes the critical part. They can now revert to their old pattern of spending more than they have until they get in trouble again or they can adopt some new habits and start paying that credit card debt off and having something left over. It will be interesting to see what they do.

Now I gave you an example of a financial problem but this problem-solving approach can be used for almost any problem including relational ones. It just needs some adjusting to make it work on some problems.

So have you used this method or something like it to solve problems? Care to share what worked and what didn’t?

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Danger at the crossroad – changes you can’t take back.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Road

Road to a happy life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Linger at the fork in the road – you won’t come this way again.

So you have reached that fork in the road. You have been in pain or unhappiness too long and have determined to set off on a quest for the happy life you want. You know you do not want to go back and if you wait too long that is exactly what will happen, you will get sucked back into the quagmire of pain and misery. So you are anxious to set off.

Which way should you go?

This is a common problem for people in recovery. People in recovery from depression, anxiety, a bad relationship, or an addiction all reach this place of the crossroad. You will need a warning about the potential danger before you make a choice.

Forks in the road don’t lead off in just two directions. There are three. You could go back the way you came. Given the choice between two potential new lives, many of us will avoid the uncertainty and turn around and return to our misery. Going back is the most common choice and also often the worst one. But that is not the only danger here.

I will not argue with you which path you should take. That is your choice and yours alone. Some people prefer the well-trod path and go that way. Clearly many others have gone that way. Some of you may pick the road less traveled, for better or worse you decide to strike out and explore that route.

Some few of you in the rush to reach a new destination will head out across the wilderness looking for a shortcut. There are no shortcuts to happiness. Occasionally someone tries to make a new path and they are successful. You might be that one, but we find a lot of skeletons in the desert, people who wandered off the trail and got lost far away from civilization.

If you are fortunate there will be an information booth at this fork in the road.  This is one time it pays to ask for directions. The people at the booth can’t tell you which path is right for you, but they can tell you the reports from up ahead on the roads.

Recovery groups will suggest that you linger a while at the fork in the road. They don’t call it that but that is the way I see it.

What you are likely to be told is that during the first year in recovery; do not make any changes that you can’t take back. If you have a job, don’t quit it. If you are in a relationship don’t end it precipitously. And for sure do not jump into a new relationship. Give yourself time to figure this out.

The reason for this advice is that having left where you were before, a place of pain and unhappiness, you will begin to feel all sorts of feelings. One way our emotional memory protects us from pain is to shut down feelings, sometimes called dissociation. I think there are levels or variations in the experience of dissociation.

Having been through a period of time where you tried to avoid feeling because of the pain, or where your mind helped you out and did this for you, you will suddenly begin to feel all kinds of feelings and you may not know what to do with them.

People in substance abuse recovery frequently find that they have suppressed their appetite for all sorts of things and they go seeking to fill those cravings. Sudden sexual feelings are common. So are cravings for excitement and novelty.

So if you are coming from a place of a bad past, linger before committing to an uncertain future. Don’t quit the job that has been stressful right away, but begin to explore ways to make this job less stressful or what else would you want to do.

If you were married young and never got to date be especially careful of the one who comes along and you say they are what I have been missing out on. In this highly emotional state of early recovery what we see in the opportunities are what we want them to be not the reality of what they are.

That new job on the other coast sounds perfect until you give up everything to move there. That new partner, there is a reason their last ex left, and you need to take your time to check this out. Make sure you see things and people as they are not as you want them to be. Explore your options and keep options open as long as you can.

So here you sit, at that fork in the road ready for a whole new life. You are lingering to think things over and getting back reports on the road ahead. You are anxious to be off on the trip to a happy life. Just one thing.

That trunk you are sitting on is full of a lot of very heavy baggage.

What to do with that baggage is the focus of our next post.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you successful?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is success – How will you know when you get there?

Lots of people would say success is having some amount of money or material things. We might each have a different idea of just how much that would be.

Some people would say they want to be a millionaire. Other people will tell us that they just want to have enough to get by, though their definition of getting by may vary widely. So how will you know when you get there?

A million dollars you say? Is that “have a million in the bank to spend” or earn a million this year? People who earn more find they have to spend more. This is a cycle that never ends. At $25,000 per year over the 45 years most Americans work, you will earn 1 and ¼ million dollars.  Yet most people will tell you that in America it is hard to live on $25,000 per year.

Still, there are people in other places on earth that live on $500 per year or less. While they are poor and they have to struggle for food and medical care, are we really sure they are any less happy in their lives than we are? Some of you are aware that an expensive cage does not make for freedom; it only makes for a fancier cage.

So besides just an absolute amount of money in life, something else may determine if we consider ourselves successful.

Who is more successful, the man with a lot of money whom everyone hates and disrespects or the man of moderate means who has lots of friends and everyone likes? Do the opinions of others influence your idea of success?

How many home runs do you need to hit to be a success? Does it matter if you had to take steroids to hit that many?

What makes us feel successful may be a gender thing. Men are traditionally considered successful and they rate themselves based on the things they have and the things they have accomplished in their lives. Women traditionally rated themselves on their relationships. Had they done a good job of raising their children? Does their partner love them?

Women have told me that they would be OK living in a car as long as they knew their partner loved them. Men say if their family had to live in a car they would feel like a failure.

What is your definition of success? What things, tangible, and intangible do you need to have to be successful?

Now, as we are starting this new year, might be a good time to sit down and make up a list of the things that you feel you need to make you feel successful. Do you already have those things? What is missing?

The point of writing this list down on paper is to make those thoughts in your head real and tangible. As we go through the year and talk about happiness and success you can pull that list out and review it. Are you making progress on changing yourself and your life? Are you moving towards being a success and away from any other way of being?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

2012 Yearend Wrap up – End of the world, unhappiness and what comes next

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Counselorssoapbox.com

12-31-12

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

This has been some year. For good or bad it is now almost over. Some awful things occurred this year and some wonderful things. Hidden in the gloom of the year past there just may have been some seeds of things to come, which were planted this year. We will need to nurture some of those seeds in the years to come.

Some of the seeds from the past, like violence, need to be weeded out of our future.

Thanks to those of you who have been reading counselorssoapbox through this year. This was the first full year of this blog. Over that year I have learned to do a lot of things that we not even on my “to do” list a year ago. Hopefully, this old dog can continue to learn a few new tricks.

Readership on counselorssoapbox has risen from one or two people a day to hundreds. Some of you have “liked” my posts and some of you have disagreed, which is as it should be.

About that end of the world stuff.

Personally, I am hoping that there was some truth to it. Clearly, most of us are still here and the planet is still spinning, but there are a whole lot of things that we need to put an end to. My thinking is that periodically an “age” comes to an end and the course of the future shifts. If we could change that future what would we need to change?

I am old enough now to know that I am not too good at changing others so If I want any change I need to start by changing me.

This last year the blog has focused on a whole lot of problems. There sure are a lot of them. I have written about mental illness, substance abuse, and the struggles involved in overcoming those issues. It seems to me that it is time for a shift.

It is easy to point to the problems, but what do we do now, where do we go from here? Some of you may have taken note that I have been working on a couple of books that I hope to release before the end of 2013. The focus of those books is on how we recover; bounce back from the events in life that knock us down. I also plan to write more about how you go about planning for more resilience and recovery in your life.

So over the next year, I want to focus more on the road to happiness and less on the pain of the past. Regardless of what issue you are dealing with, I believe in recovery. So let’s spend some time in the year to come talking about how to be well, have a happy life and avoid relapsing into the issues that we have all struggled with.

Don’t think I have all the answers. I have learned a few things so far on this journey of life but every day seems to bring new questions. Chime in here from time to time and help me out with both the answers you have found and the questions that matter to you.

So the discussion needs to swing from diseases and disorders to solutions and recovery. From time to time we may need to go back and talk about a particular problem, but I will try to stay focused on how it is that people with this or that issue still manage to have happy lives.

Some of you are making New Year’s resolutions right about now. We will talk about that in the year to come. Me, I am not big on making resolutions. I do try to make changes, always making changes; I am a work in progress, not a done deal. So for me, change happens day by day. It is not always pretty but it keeps happening.

Please stay tuned and let’s see what we find on this journey towards a happier life.

Photo courtesy of Les Lucas.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Sleep and Mental Illness connection

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

sleep

Child sleeping.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does poor sleep cause mental illness or does mental illness keep you from sleeping?

There is a huge connection between mental health issues and insomnia. This fact has been recognized for a long time and its recognition has been built into most of the diagnostic codes.

Some recent studies are making mental health professionals question if have gotten the connections right. Could be there are more connections between sleep and good mental health than we thought.

Sleep disturbances are a diagnostic feature of Major Depressive Disorder. Typical depression includes the inability to sleep. Depression with atypical features is characterized by excessive sleeping. Clients might describe this as hibernating in bed. But depression is not the only mental illness in which sleep features play a role.

Bipolar disorder requires a period of mania or hypomania for diagnosis. One key feature of the “mania spectrum” is needing less or very little sleep and being able to function on reduced sleep. I don’t recall ever reading about a “mania spectrum” but the variability of the way clients report manic-like symptoms is making me think that there is a continuum of manic symptoms just like the continuum of other disorders.

There are specific sleep disorders but as a counselor and therapist, I don’t believe I have ever been called on to work in that area. Most sleep disorders are seen as more medical problems. It is only when a lack of sleep or excessive sleep begins to affect someone’s overall mental health that we counselors get to talk with them.

One health concern has become that increasing weight, the epidemic of obesity it has been called, can cause poor sleep. So we need to wonder if inactivity, excess calories, and weight gain are harming our mental as well as our physical health.

There is also a connection between poor sleep and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) Nightmares, as well as daytime intrusive memories, are considered symptoms of PTSD. We probably should observe a distinction between bad dreams and nightmares. With bad dreams, people do not awaken until the morning and may or may not have detailed memories of the dream. Sometimes others around them are aware they had a bad dream even if the dreamer is not aware.

Nightmares are much nastier creatures. They are characterized by strong negative emotions and frequent “awakenings” from the dream. People who have nightmares are much more likely to remember them because they keep waking up.

We also know that having nightmares will prolong the symptoms of PTSD. In a previous post, I wrote about the way in which nightmares play a role in maintaining PTSD symptoms. Nightmares and dreams, good or bad dreams are strongly connected to spiritual, religious, and cultural values. Some people also see nightmares as warnings about the future and as a source of intuition. Given that past experiences are a basis for dreams and that what happened in the past may happen again, dreaming about worries would seem to be a normal phenomenon.

What if we have this all backward? Could a sleep disruption be a cause of mental illness rather than a symptom or a maintenance factor?

One study of veterans of the Iraq war looked at the relationship between insomnia and PTSD. Now this is just one study so the results are preliminary and more studies may not get the same result, still, the results were surprising.

What they found was that for these veterans insomnia came BEFORE the PTSD symptoms. Insomnia 4 months after returning from deployment predicted the development of PTSD symptoms at 8 months post-deployment (Wright, Et al., 2011.) It seems likely that an increase in anxiety resulting from being in a risky situation could cause sleep disruptions and the result, much later, would be episodes of mental health problems.

Their suggestion and there was a lot more to this study was that sleep functioned as an emotional regulator. So insomnia may be both a symptom of, and a cause of, mental illness. An increase in insomnia predicted who would develop depression as much as three years later.

Good self-care, including a healthy diet, exercise, and good sleep hygiene has long been an integral part of relapse prevention in substance abuse. We are also seeing that relapse prevention is an important part of mental health recovery.

What if sleep changes could be an effective predictor of mental health relapse? In what ways might we be able to improve our sleep and thereby improve our mental health?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel