Category Archives: Relationships

Why your life’s going nowhere.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Life out of balance

You can’t get very far with a flat tire.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You can’t get very far with a flat tire.

The circle is a very ancient symbol of a balanced life.  To keep your life in balance, you need to keep all the different parts of your life in their proper size.  It’s easy to focus on one part of your life and neglect the others.  It helps to think of a well-functioning life as a wheel with many spokes. Look at each of these life segments and see if there are areas of your life that need improvement.

Instead of starting this new year off with a lot of resolutions that are likely to be quickly discarded, try making some small improvements in each of the major areas of your life. Take small steps repeatedly, and you will go a long way.

Physical health affects your life.

Your body and your mind are not two separate things.  They are interconnected.  When people are in the problem, mental illness, substance abuse, or any other issue, they tend to neglect their physical health.  Attend your physical health is an important part of recovery.  Working on your physical health may include going to a doctor, improving your diet, drinking more water, and getting more sleep.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can’t be happy because you have health challenges. Make every effort to do what you can to take good care of your physical body.

Emotional and mental health are important.

Problems in your emotional life will interfere with all the other areas. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, anger issues, or a drug and alcohol problems you need to attend to those issues. Trying to struggle through life with one of these weights on your back is not a virtue. You can only drive your car so far on a flat tire. Being willing to get help for your emotional problems is a sign of strength and a first step on the road to a happy life.

Your Financial Life shouldn’t cause you unhappiness.

When life’s not going the way, you want it to; it’s very tempting to try to make yourself feel better by treating yourself. Those little splurges add up over time. The majority of Americans, then this is true of many other developed countries, have little or no savings. In the short run, it’s hard but over the lifetime learning to earn more money, spend a little less, pay off your bills, and develop a financial cushion results in a life that’s in much better balance.

Job and career activities should be more than just income.

If you don’t have a job getting one is important. Somehow everyone needs a source of income. If there’s any way, you can work, you will feel better about yourself earning your income. If you have a disability that prevents that working look for a volunteer opportunity or some other way to be productive. Going each day to do something you enjoy filter life with happiness. Once past that initial job, it’s important to look at your career. Where will this job take you in 10, 20, or 40 years?

Family and friends can support your success or your failure.

Humans need positive, supportive relationships. Try to resolve differences with those that are close to you. Work at creating friendships that support you and in which you’re able to support your friends. If you have family members who have their own emotional problems, you may need to limit your time and exposure to them. Invest some time in creating new friendships. Time spent in enjoyable activities with friends is not wasted time. It is time invested in having a quality life.

Your spiritual or religious life is important.

Having a spiritual or religious belief can be a source of strength and support in difficult times. If you have a faith or tradition that enriches your life, invest time in your practices. Many people find they need to re-examine their religious beliefs. If you’ve adopted a faith because it was what your family or someone else believed you need to ask yourself this is what you believe?

A spiritual or religious belief should make you a better person and a happier one. If you find that the religion you are following makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you angry and hate others, you may need to take another look at whether this is what your higher power wants for you.

Many people find that they benefit from time spent with other people who have the same faith. Just as it’s often helpful to get financial advice, see a counselor for emotional help, or get career guidance many people find that their lives are enriched by having a spiritual adviser.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Free gifts your child really needs.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Being a parent is difficult, give your child what they really need.

tin box

Holiday Gift your child needs.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Christmas is almost here, but then it could be any day and this principle still holds. Parents want to be good parents. Even when you are struggling you still would like to think that you are doing the best you can for your children. Many people have been out shopping the whole season trying to find the just right thing. If you could just buy them the perfect present, then that would mean you were a great parent.

Don’t try to be the perfect parent. No one has ever been both perfect and a parent. The perfect gift will not mean you have arrived as a parent. Work on being a good enough parent. The really important gifts you will give your children are ideas and values, not physical things. Concentrate on the gifts that will last a lifetime.

Here is my list of wonderful gifts you can give your children which cost nothing in terms of dollars.

The gift of love.

Make sure you give your child the gift of feeling loved.  Teach them how to love themselves and love others.  Don’t make your love conditional on anything they need to say, be or do.

Acceptance.

Make sure your children know that you accept them.  Let them know they are worthwhile just the way they are.  Don’t insist that they be stronger, faster, or smarter, in order to win your approval.

Personal Boundaries.

Teach your children to have and to respect boundaries.  A cardinal rule of parenting is that parents need to be parents and they need to allow their children to be children.  Don’t try to make your children into your best friend.  Don’t encourage them to grow up faster than they need to.

Life skills.

Teach your children life skills that are consistent with their developmental level.  Don’t expect them to do adult things when their small but don’t continue to do things for them when they’re old enough to be able to do them themselves.

Consequences.

Teach your kids the consequences of their actions for good or for bad.  It’s not healthy or good for your child to let them get out of the punishment they have coming.

Responsibilities.

Allow your children to grow into responsibilities.  Knowing your responsibilities and being able to fulfill them gives children a sense of accomplishment.  To build their self-esteem and self-efficacy children need to do things that can make them proud.

Reality.

Help your children to learn the distinction between what’s real and what’s fantasy.  Allow them to have their dreams and be creative.  Don’t encourage them to pretend that things are other than as they are.

A listener.

Give your children the gift of being a really good listener.  Having you listen to them teaches them how to listen to others.

Your time.

To a child, particularly a small child, the gift of your time and attention is far more valuable than the presents you will buy.

Happiness and Joy.

Encourage your children to become happiness experts.  Teach them to live a joyful life.  Please encourage a positive, can-do attitude.

A good example.

Be a good example for your children.  Teach them the rule do as I do. They are going to copy your behavior anyway.

The difference between their needs and their wants.

Help your children to see that happiness does not come from getting everything you want.  Not all needs are physical, material ones.

Words, reading, and writing.

Make learning an important part of your family life.  The more words your child knows the better they will do in school.  When they are small read to them.  As they grow, encourage them to read out loud.  Help them to write communications which convey what they mean.

Curiosity.

Give your children the gift of curiosity, help them to explore the physical, natural, and mental worlds.

Knowledge about work.

Don’t leave your children unprepared for the day they become adults.  Teach them about what it is to work and the types of jobs that they might be able to do as they grow.  Encourage them to research some of the careers that they dream about doing.

A clean slate – don’t saddle them with your baggage.

Don’t give your children the job of settling old scores.  Don’t bring them into adult quarrels.  If you have baggage from the past work on unpacking your own suitcase.

The chance to be them. Individuals, not a mini-me.

Make sure your child knows that they will be different from you.  Let them explore what it means to be them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Parenting.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Raising good children. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Raising good children.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Parenting.

“If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.”  Abigail Van Buren

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”  James Baldwin

“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.”  Marcus Tullius Cicero

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

9 Ways to make new friends.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

group of friends.

Friendship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Getting good at making new friends.

Many people find that it’s very hard for them to make friends.  Very few people tell me that they have too many friends.  Making friends is a skill and like any other skill, you can learn or improve your ability to do this.  If you have ever thought that you would like to have more friends take a look at the list below of ways to improve your friend-making skills.

1.  Friends are made around shared activities.

Want friends, you need to get out there. Most friends in life are the result of things that you do with others.  People make friends and schools from kindergarten all the way through graduate school.  Sometimes we make friends at work.  The who join a club or have a hobby often make friends as a result.  If you decide that you would like to have more friends than the first step is to get out there and be in places where you will meet people who might become friends.

2.  Introduce yourself if you want to make friends.

If you want to make friends don’t hold back waiting for others to approach you.  The fastest way to break the ice and create friendship opportunities is to be the one that puts your hand out and introduces yourself.  Remember there may be other people there who would like to find new friends also.  They’re waiting for you to be the one to make the first move.

3.  Asking people about themselves starts friendly conversations.

Most people’s favorite topic is themselves.  One really quick way to get a conversation started is to ask someone about themselves.  Try to avoid overly personal questions.  Ask simple and easy questions that might get the conversation rolling.  Good conversations develop and strengthen friendships.

4.  Give others sincere compliments.

Make it a point to give sincere compliments when you see someone or something that you like.  Avoid overly sugary and insincere sounding compliments.  Letting someone know that you like are appreciate what they have done is a great way to open up a conversation.  Don’t be stingy with sincere compliments.  Develop a reputation as someone who appreciates what others do for them.

5.  Hear them out to create friendships.

Make it a point to listen to what the other person is saying.  Make sure they’ve finished their statement before you interrupt and begin to comment.  People who are good communicators develop friendships.  The key to the art of communication is to understand what the other person is saying, not to force them to understand what you mean.

6.  Get clarification.  Don’t assume you know what they are talking about.

In any kind of conversation, it’s very important to be sure you accurately understand what the other person is saying.  Ask for clarification.  Sometimes it helps to summarize what they are saying.  Pay special attention to the feelings behind the facts.  Knowing why someone feels what they feel will help you to understand them as a person.

7.  Ask potential friends about their opinion.

In the beginning of a relationship, it is more important to ask other people about their opinion that it is to express yours.  Find out what this other person thinks about things.  This will help you decide if this is someone you want in your life or someone who you should avoid.

8.  Stay in contact to strengthen friendships.

When you meet someone you think is a potential friend don’t let it end with that first meeting.  Make an extra effort to get their phone number or other contact information.  Find a reason to make a second contact.  Look for other opportunities to do something together again.  It takes repeated contact to turn an acquaintance into a friend.

9.  Give as much as you take to maintain a friendship.

At the beginning of new friendships, it is important that they be reciprocal.  Make sure to avoid relationships with people who may be out to use you.  Be careful about pursuing friendships when you’re only desire is to get something from that other person.  The best friendships are ones where you would feel comfortable doing for them and expect that they would do the same for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Top regrets after the breakup.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family torn apart

Divorce.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Relationship regrets you may be able to avoid.

When your relationship ends there are often lots of regrets.  Some of those regrets are simply unavoidable.  Things happen, things change and some relationships need to come to an end.  There are lots of different kinds of relationships.  Friendships, working relationships, and most importantly romantic relationships.  You would expect that the closer the relationship, the more careful we would be when getting into one.  Unfortunately, close relationships often start with the smallest amounts of preparation.  Turns out there are some relationship regrets that can be avoided.  Take a look at the list below, the things that people have said they should have done in order to avoid the regrets that come with ending a relationship.

Investing the time at the start of the relationship.

A great many relationships begin with almost no thought.  You meet someone and since you are not currently in a relationship, getting with that person seems like a good idea.  It’s important to spend some time getting to know that the other person before you are so far into the relationship that you can no longer see the exit.

The things you didn’t talk about damage relationships.

Many people fail to talk about the most basic and important things at the beginning of their relationship.  Did you and your partner discuss what your expectations were?  Couples often come for relationship counseling because one of the people has done something the other person finds totally unacceptable.

Did the person you’re in a relationship with a flirt when you met them?  The picture you had was that together you would expect them to stop been friendly and outgoing with members of the opposite sex. The picture they had was that you liked their flirty outgoing personality.  Most couples never discussed what their expectations were.

What you didn’t listen to comes up again in your relationship.

Many people do hear their potential partner saying things.  They just choose to disregard what was said.  Don’t think that once you are well into the relationship that partner will automatically forget about some of those things they said were important to them.  If you start off a relationship believing that once you two are together you will get them to change their mind, you are creating a giant regret.

Not trying hard enough on your relationship.

A great many people, after the breakup of their relationship, report that their major regret was not trying hard enough.  When things are difficult it’s easy to believe that the problem is your partner.  But what we discover is that when you change partners you get a new set of problems.  Relationships are hard work.  Be sure that you’ve tried hard enough that there will be no regrets should this relationship end.

Trying to change them instead of understanding them.

An incredible number of people get into relationships planning on changing their partner.  Turns out that changing other people is considerably more difficult than it looks.  Investing the time at the beginning of a relationship to genuinely get to understand your partner eliminates a whole lot of regrets later on.

Being unwilling to change. Expecting them to change.

When relationships fail it often is because one or both parties expected the other person to do all the changing.  In life we all change.  Sometimes that change is for the better and sometimes it is not so good.  Once that relationship has come to an end many people come to the realization that they’ve been unwilling to change.

Making your relationship a win-lose contest.

Relationships of any kind should not be a win-lose contest.  Unfortunately, too many people come to believe that life requires that one person has to lose for another to win.  Successful relationships discover that when conflicts arise the best solution is always finding one in which both parties win.

Not owning and fixing your part undermines relationships.

No matter how much the other person is at fault in a relationship the only part you are able to change is your part.  What people in successful relationships discover is that fixing themselves first often produces exactly the kind of change they wanted to see in their partner.

Attacking your partner as a person damages relationships.

When conflicts arise it is important to talk about the differences.  Make requests of your partner for what you would like to see changed.  Attacking your partner, using put-downs to attempt to get what you want, can cause irreparable harm to a relationship.  Asking for what you want is much more productive than blaming your partner for what is wrong.

You will regret not making relationship repair efforts.

Relationships that succeed over the long haul are the ones in which people make repair efforts when there’s been a disagreement.  Relationships, where people hold onto resentments, are headed for trouble.  Make sure that when you’re having conflicts in your relationship you are the one that makes the repair efforts.  Don’t be the one that has to have the regrets that they never did make the needed effort.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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14 Ways to Become Your Own Best Friend.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Best friend.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Start healing by becoming your own best friend.

Don’t like yourself, start by becoming your own best friend.  If you are plagued by low self-esteem, one of the things you need to do is become your own best friend.  Many people say that they are not able to love themselves.  You will spend more time with yourself than with any other person on earth.  Work on getting to like yourself.  Think about the things that you do with friends and how those relationships develop over time.  Start feeling better about yourself by becoming your own best friend.  Here are 14 ways to become your own best friend and improve your self-esteem.

1. Don’t beat yourself up.

It’s OK to make mistakes.  Mistakes are improvement opportunities.  Think about how you act with a friend.  If you consistently criticize them and put them down you’re not likely to maintain that friendship.  Make sure you’re not beating yourself up.  It’s OK to make mistakes.  The only people who don’t make mistakes are people who never try to do anything.

2. Don’t insist on perfection.

We don’t expect our friends to be perfect.  You shouldn’t expect to be perfect yourself.  Some tasks may require your very best effort, but many other things in life simply need to be good enough.  Be gentle with yourself and embrace you, flaws, and all.

3. Celebrate your successes.

Make sure to stop and recognize the things that you have done well.  Give yourself a round of applause when you succeed at something.  Not recognizing your successes will make the next effort that much harder.

4. Nurture yourself.

You can’t make a plant grow by beating it.  You don’t develop friendships by being harsh and critical.  Develop the relationship with yourself by taking good care of yourself.  Look for ways in which you can be kind and gentle to yourself.

5. Enjoy being with you.

Being alone should not mean being lonely.  When life gets hectic we often wish we could take a break.  When you do get that break from other people, learn to savor and enjoy it.  That alone time should be a time to rest and recoup.

6. Make “you time” an adventure.

In the early stages of developing a friendship, we do a lot of new, novel things with that potential friend.  To nurture the friendship that you have with yourself make sure that you do innovative things.  Make your time with you exciting.

7. Want the best for yourself.

Learn to picture what a perfect life would look like.  Want that best of all possible lives for yourself?  Practice believing that you deserve the best in life.  Best does not necessarily mean the most expensive or the latest fashion.  It does mean that you want those things that will make you truly happy.  Don’t settle for a second-rate life.  Focus your efforts on creating the life of your dreams.

8. Stop judging yourself.

You don’t need to judge yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to judge you.  When you have a good friend you accept them just the way they are even when you know their faults.  Do the same for yourself.  However, you are is perfectly OK.  Accept yourself just the way you are.

9. Let things go.

Holding onto the past keeps you stuck in the pain.  Keep your eyes on the present and the future.  Avoid rehashing old injuries.  Let bygones be bygones.  The less baggage that you have to carry from your past the more you can live in the present.

10. Surround yourself with things that make you happy.

Make the place that you spend the bulk of your time your place.  Have a few little mementos that will make you smile close by.  The isn’t time or space in your life the things that don’t add to your happiness.

11. Please yourself.

Make sure that you are living your life to please you.  A life that is lived trying to please others often pleases no one.  In friendships, we often do things because we know it will make our friends happy.  Do those little things to make yourself happy.

12. Live in the now, plan for the future.

Good friends don’t spend a lot of time rehashing the difficulties from the past.  They enjoy the present and look forward to the things they will do together in the future.  As your own best friend spend the bulk of your time looking forward to what you want to do in the future.

13. Can the negativity.

It’s not much fun being around a friend who is constantly negative.  To be happier cut the negative people out of your life.  To be happier with yourself cut out the negativity that is coming from you.

14. Embrace your differences.

We know our friends are different and we liked them because of those differences.  Learn to celebrate the ways in which you are different from others.  Stop wishing you were just like everyone else.  Improve the things you can, accept the things you can’t.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Family.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Family.

Your family

Family.

“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”

― Walt Whitman

“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”
― Deb Caletti

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Belonging.

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Sunday Inspiration.          Post by David Joel Miller.

Belonging.

Belonging

Belonging.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“How could you ever feel comfortable if no matter where you went you felt like you belonged someplace else?”

― Mark Peter Hughes, Lemonade Mouth

“I didn’t belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I’d known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier.”

― Bette Midler

“The desire to belong is in every mind.”

― Debasish Mridha

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Love better by loving yourself.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Love better by loving yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

It is hard to love others when you are starving for self-love.

You grow love in your life by daily creating small actions that nurture that love, for yourself, and for others.  If you don’t love yourself no matter how much others love you it will never be enough.  Enlarge your feeling of being loved by working on the ability to love yourself.  Below are some tips on how to feel better about yourself and develop that self-love.

Give yourself a round of applause. Recognize your accomplishments.

In order to feel better about yourself, you need to recognize the things you do well.  Learn to praise yourself.  You do not need to do great things to feel well about yourself. If you pay attention to the small things that you accomplish each day, over time this will add up to large accomplishments.

Unfortunately, many people were taught to be suspicious of recognition for their accomplishments.  People used to think that the way to get better behavior from children was to constantly point out all their flaws.  The result of this practice was to create non-affirming homes.  If you grew up that way you are likely to find it difficult to recognize when you do things well.  There’s no evidence that beating yourself up will make you a better person.  There’s plenty of evidence that recognizing positive qualities improves your ability to feel good about yourself and raises your self-esteem.

Invest in your support system.

Having a team of people who support you will make you feel better about yourself.  Developing that support system requires the investment of time and effort.  Make sure that each day you spend some time calling or talking to a friend. Good friendships revolve around shared activities.  Get out there and make friends.

Humans need other humans.  When you don’t feel good about yourself, it is hard to be around others.  Developing friendships requires an investment of time and effort.  Make that investment in developing friends and creating a support system and it will pay dividends in the form of you feeling better about yourself.  People who spend time socializing with other people feel more loved.

Make friends with your feelings.

Learn to make your feelings useful friends.  Feelings provide you with information, don’t try to ignore those feelings.  Somewhere along the line people got the idea that to have feelings was a bad thing.  If you do not acknowledge what you feel when you feel it, then it becomes very difficult to recognize the feelings of love when you have it.

Sometimes in life, bad things happen and we need to be sad.  Just because you feel bad does not mean that something terrible will happen.  Accept that feelings change.  Learn to surf those feelings and wait for the next round of happy, loving feelings.

Plan a better future.

Don’t get stuck in the belief that the way things are, or the way they have been in the past, is the way they must always be.  Envisioned a better future for yourself and begin to work on creating it.  Design plans for where you want to go in life and begin to do the work to get there. Set goals. As you make progress towards those goals give yourself credit for the successes you have created.  Creating, planning, and working toward a better future are ways to love yourself and to feel more loved.

Invest in yourself.

It’s hard to understand someone who loves a partner but is unwilling to ever give them a gift or spend time with them.  To increase that feeling of love make it a priority to invest in yourself.  Invest by spending time with yourself.  Also, invest in things that make you feel good or meet your needs.

Make developing skills and continuing education a part of your ongoing investment in yourself.  Developing interests and hobbies is not a waste of time, but an investment in creating a better quality of life.

Allow yourself to enjoy life.

All work and no play not only makes Jack a dull boy, but it also makes him a very unhappy and unloved person.  Doing things to make yourself happy is not being selfish.  Life is not all pleasure sometimes there’s work to do.  But if all you ever do is work and can never enjoy yourself, life loses its meaning.  Look for ways within your budget that you can make your life a more enjoyable experience.

Recharge your batteries. Rest and food.

Being overtired, hungry, or thirsty creates feelings that will interfere with feeling good about yourself and with your self-love.  You wouldn’t think someone loved you if they were unwilling to ever let you rest or to allow you time to eat and drink.  Treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you.

Look for the good parts in every challenge.

If you approach everything in life as a terrible chore, all the pleasure goes out of your existence.  Look for the good parts in every challenge.  What strengths is this difficulty producing?  What lessons do you need to learn from this? Practice spotting hidden happiness.

Talk nicely to yourself – Self-talk.

People in love talk nicely to their beloved.  To feel more love by yourself and by others practicing saying the kinds of loving things to yourself that you wish others would say to you.  Negative, critical self-talk decreases your self-esteem.  Positive, loving self-talk increases your self-esteem.  What you tell yourself becomes the way you feel. Feed your mind healthy thoughts.

Develop positive habits.

Get into the habit of doing positive things for yourself.  Take the view that you deserve the best in life.  Treat yourself in the best possible way to increase your feelings of self-esteem and make you feel loved.

Budget some time for fun.

Fun is not a waste of time.  Sometimes even hard work can be fun.  Make sure that you are including in your schedule things that are enjoyable or will recharge your batteries and make you feel good about yourself. It is important to include some time for having fun in each day’s activities.

Let yourself feel good by doing for others.

One secret that people who are happy and loving have discovered is that doing for others is not an inconvenience. It is a great way to make you feel good about your life.  Don’t cheat yourself out of the opportunity to do little things for those you love.  Practice loving yourself by doing random acts of kindness for others, even those you don’t know. Filling your life with loving gestures for yourself and others increases that loving feeling.

Do what you love – love what you do.

It’s been said and repeated often, but it’s still true if you do something you love, it is not work.  Make it a point to do things that bring you joy.

Think about these ways that you might increase your ability to love yourself and how that might make you feel more loved by others.  Which of these loving expressions will you practice?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Unhappy Relationship Surprises.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple not talking

Couple’s problems.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why your relationship won’t turn out the way you thought.

We humans have lots of relationships and no relationship is more important than the primary sexual, love relationship.  So many people enter into this relationship with great, wonderful hopes for how well it will turn out.  The truth is the majority, more than half of all marriages end in divorce.

For those who choose to live together without the benefit of marriage or who produce children even before they’ve gotten into the relationship, the chances of staying together are even lower.  How come everyone thinks their relationship will be different?  There are a few reasons why most relationships are full of surprises.

Some things will not “just work out.” Love will not conquer all.

The common premise is that we’re so in love our relationship will be better than other people’s.  The truth is some relationships just will not work out.  A great many of these relationships end in the first five years.  The early ending relationships usually were not good from the beginning.  There was an attraction but not much more.  Often these relationships were conflicted, with verbal and physical fights.  With that much conflict, no amount of love can overcome the difficulties.

What used to be cute will become annoying.

People who decide to work on their relationship, try to fix things, often come to marriage counseling with a long list of things about their partner they find upsetting.  It’s common for those things that are upsetting to be the very things that attracted the two people in the first place.

He was exciting, but after a few months, that exciting becomes irresponsible.  She was stable with a level head on her shoulders, that stability becomes a stick-in-the-mud who never wants to do anything fun or take any chances.

Your partner will not change the way you want.

There is an old saying, men choose women and hope they will never change, women always pick men and hope they will change.  Getting into relationships expecting that once together your partner will change in some particular way is a recipe for failure.  While your partner likely will change, it is likely to be in any direction other than the one you hope for.

They will change in ways you wish they hadn’t.

Lots of the change your partner will undergo will be in directions you didn’t expect.  The partner who used to buy things for you will become the one who doesn’t want to spend any money.

That guy they used to be so much fun and joked with you is likely to turn into the one that flirts with every other girl.

Fifty-Fifty relationships do not work. It will be more like 80-80.

Couples who expect their relationships to be 50/50 are usually in for a shock.  Both partners in a relationship typically think that they’re doing far more than the other partner.  Someone estimated that successful relationships are more like 80 – 80.

There will be a lot more pain, trauma, and grief than you expected.

The one thing you can expect for sure is the unexpected.  Movies and fairy tales always end with a wedding.  What they don’t show are the hard times, the times when things go in the wrong direction.

The real world of relationships involves pain.  There may well be, losses and grief.  That happiness ever after quickly turns to after.

Your partner will do and say things you don’t expect.

The first rush of getting together you thought you knew each other so well.  Once the initial attraction wears off you’ll be surprised at the things your partner does and says that you never would have expected.

Your partner won’t see “obvious” things.

Even when you think both of you come from the same culture, you will find that you are mistaken.  Each of you came from a family and that family had traditions, ways of doing things which may well seem strange to their partner. The things that are obvious to you, things that need to be done, things that shouldn’t be done, may come as a great surprise to your partner.

Your partner will shapeshift. Prince charming is really a troll.

Remember the end of the movie, after what you see on-screen comes real life.  The princess doesn’t look so royal six months pregnant with a cold, runny nose and dirt all over her.  Somehow that man you thought was prince charming, a few months later will begin to look like he was really that troll from under the bridge.

You will have to put more in than you take out.

Lots of people get into relationships expecting to get their needs met.  Relationships are kind of like bank accounts. If all you ever do is take out and never put in, that account gets overdrawn.  You will find that over time you put a lot more work into this relationship than you ever imagined when you began it.

Relationships need maintenance.

After the relationship comes life.  Jobs come.  You have work responsibilities.  One or both of you may try to further your education.  Very often, way before anyone is ready, there are children.  It’s easy to neglect a relationship in the process of all the other things that happen in life.  Couples who fail to maintain the relationship wake up one day, look at each other and wonder why they ever stayed together

It is hard for the “US” to coexist with the “ME.”

In the early days of a relationship, it is all about us, us, us.  Eventually one of you starts to wonder, now that there is an “us” is there still a me?  Where before you used to want to spend every possible minute together, now you begin to wish for time to do the things you used to do before you were part of a couple.

Your finished relationship house won’t look like the blueprints.

The beginning of a relationship is kind of like planning that dream house, it all looks great in your head.  Once you get that dream house built you may well find out that there are lots of features that didn’t work out the way they looked on paper.

You can find more on this topic under Relationships.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel