Category Archives: Parenting

Children with mental illness.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Crying child

Youth mental health.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How much do you know about children and mental illness?

Childhood is not a happy time for many children.

We used to think that childhood was a happy time and then you grow up and have to struggle with life’s problems. That is the scenario for some people but more and more we are realizing that childhood is the time when these emotional problems begin to develop. There is a whole lot of anxiety and depression in children.

Being anxious is not something that you automatically outgrow, Truth is that most people with adult anxiety disorders had serious anxiety attacks in elementary or middle school. Untreated these kinds of problems can follow you throughout your adult life.

In adult therapy, we discover that many adult issues were things that people experienced, learned from experience, between 8 and 18. These life lessons may have made sense as a child but as an adult, these learned lessons can hold you back. Some of them can keep you in pain for decades.

Part of healing from adult issues is going back and looking at the things you experienced and the lessons learned as a child that are not helping you now as an adult. Anything you learned can be unlearned. I recommend parenting education for most adults even if they have no children. Knowing what is normal at a particular time in life can help you fix the parts of your life blueprint that you have gotten wrong or that you never drew in the first place.

Learning about childhood mental illness can help you, it can help you in raising your children and if everyone knew enough we might not pass on so many emotional problems to the next generation.

Here are some resources that may help you learn more about childhood mental illness and how to keep those issues from following you or your loved ones throughout the rest of your life.

Here are some resources that can tell you more about childhood mental illness.

National Institutes of Health

Take a look at this interesting infographic on children’s mental health issues titled:

Are the kids alright? 

Also:

Mayo Clinic

WebMD

Have you found any other good resources for information about children’s mental health?

Isn’t it time we looked more carefully at this problem?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

11 ways to be a great parent.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Want to be a great parent? Here are some parenting basics.

Many people worry about how good a parent they are and how to be a better one. Those who don’t worry probably need help more than those who do worry. I recommend parenting education to many of my clients, even ones that do not have children.

Learning how to be a good parent can help you with the skills to be a good grandparent, friend or any mentoring role. Knowing something about parenting and how it affects children can also help you if you have unresolved issues from childhood. This is a skill I think of as self-parenting.

Here are some tips gathered from all over on how to be a good parent. My apologies to those I learned these things from as I forget who taught or wrote about which point. If you have gathered some other parenting ideas feel free to comment or use the contact me form.

1. Catch your children doing something right.

There are plenty of people who will point out a person’s flaws. You do not make better children by attending to only those things they do wrong. Too much attention to the mistakes makes the child think they are not capable of doing anything right.

Help them learn that they are capable of doing things and doing them well. They do not need to be the world champion in that endeavor at age 5. It is sufficient that they find their talents to develop and enjoy the process of mastering that activity they love.

Help children develop a sense of mastery. They will feel better about themselves if they can do good things.

2. Make sure your children know you love them.

Many parents think their children know they are loved. The trouble is a lot of adults say their parents never told them they loved them. We show our love sometimes by the things we do, feeding, and caring for family members. Trouble is other people may give you food or tangible things, that doesn’t mean they love you. Doing things or buying things just isn’t enough. People need to hear those loving words also.

Let your children know you love them not just for what they do or the successes they have but that you love them even when they are less than perfect. Love unconditionally, not just for the good times.

3. Parents need to be parents and let the child be a child.

You can have a good relationship with your children but you can’t neglect your duties as a parent. They need friends but that is not the parent’s job. There are times a parent needs to say no. You have to deliver the bad news. There will be times you need to set limits and boundaries. If the parent does not set limits the child begins to think they can’t be controlled. Eventually, they will come to believe that they can control themselves.

4. Take good care of yourself – set a good example.

Children learn more by watching what you do than by listening to what you say. Lots of people talk about what others should do. The lessons of what you do, come through loud and clear. If children see you never taking care of yourself they think that is what they need to do to be like you.

5. Maintain your adult relationships.

Parents need to have other adult friends. If you are in a relationship you need to spend time with that partner maintaining that relationship. Stay in touch with friends. Your children will develop friendships and eventually relationships. The kids can’t be the ones to meet all your social needs.

There will be life after children. If you are in a relationship maintain it. If you are a single parent develop other healthy adult relationships. You will need friends as your children venture out into the world and they will not be able to stay around to meet all your needs.

6. Get along with others. Especially the other relatives.

If you and the other relatives do not get along then you put your children in an impossible situation. You and your ex may not be together anymore but no matter how much that other person hurt you they will always be your children’s other parent. Don’t put your children in the position of having to take sides. If you keep your children from the other parent it is the kids that you are punishing not your ex.

Short of keeping your children out of real danger, it does not pay to inflict your pain on the children and keep them from having contact with a relative because they have angered you.

Having an extended family that the child can learn from and be supported by anchors them and give their life meaning. Don’t let your squabbles and rivalries with other relatives keep your child isolated from having a family.

7. Have good mental health – learn to manage anger and reduce stress.

Having a depressed parent leaves a lasting impression on a child. It is not noble to suffer in silence. If you have issues get help. Mentally healthy parents raise healthy children. Addicted parents raise children who struggle through life. Get healthy for their sake.

Do not alibi that “that is just the way I am.” You say you have always had a lot of anger? There was a time that you ate with your fingers and went in your diaper. If you could learn to eat with silverware and use the bathroom then you are capable of learning to control your anger.

Learn stress reduction techniques. Develop healthy ways of managing your anger.

8. Accept your child’s differences. They will not be small copies of you.

Parents want their children to be all they can be. What is not helpful is to try to overcome your failures by pushing your children to succeed where you did not. Love a sport? You can teach your child that love. They may excel. But don’t try to redeem yourself by pushing them to make the team where you failed or to win the championship you lost out on.

9. Make learning important.

In this world what we know can become obsolete. Any of you still using rotary dial phones? Not likely your children will get far with only that technology. Learn something new every day. Encourage your children to learn also.

Learn for the fun of it and then life becomes fun. The most successful people have interests and knowledge outside the field in which they work. Taking knowledge from one area and applying it to others is where much of the creativity in this world comes from.

10. Keep life in balance.

Life is not all about one thing. We need to work hard but we need to play. Children need to study and they need to laugh. If you do not have your life in balance then your children will have difficulty learning how to keep theirs on an even keel.

We all have many aspects of our lives. You need to eat well, exercise well, and sleep well to live well. Do not neglect the social part of your life. Pay attention to your religious or spiritual needs also.

11. Spend time with them.

Time is more important than money when it comes to raising healthy children. Do things with them. Take them along. Plan activities together. The toy may break and be discarded, the candy is eaten and gone, but the experiences you create together will last a lifetime.

Those are some of my suggestions for being a great parent. What suggestions do you have?

You can find more at  Parenting and Children and Family Problems.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Secrets of the Parents Club.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There are parent secrets you can only learn on the job.

Parenting is one of the most common tasks on earth. You would think there would be better preparation. Unlike most vocations and avocations parenting has no training required and little provided before you start the job.

There are a few parenting classes, I highly recommend them. I know however that most people do not get into a parenting class until after they are actively participating as parents and discover it is harder than it looks.

Seems like parenting is something like swimming, hard to learn in the classroom and most people are learning this skill by the old fashion method of sink or swim. Below are some secrets that the survivors of the real world parenting boot camps have shared with me.

There are no minor leagues for parents.

Taking a class in being a parent is nice. Being raised in a family with lots of children and helping care for your siblings or relatives is helpful. So is having had some experiences as a babysitter. None of that prepares you for the challenges of being a parent, especially if you have to do this while working out relationships and having to work a job to support yourself.

Becoming a parent is the equivalent of going from tossing the ball around in first grade to being drafted into a major league. Some time in school athletics and the minors would have helped. Being “drafted” as a parent gives you nine months tops to prepare. Most of your learning will be on the job and you will get hurt a lot. Still, if you try really hard there may be a few times you do something right.

You will make mistakes.

There are no perfect parents except in the movies. There you do not see what happens when the camera stops rolling. In real life, the role does not end until you are dead and gone. Along the way you just do the best you can.

Studies have suggested if you get more than half of things right your kid will think you did a good job. At least till they become a teenager and decide to try and improve on your efforts.

Do not try to be your kid’s friend.

Having a good relationship with your kids is nice. Remember though that parents need to be parents and kids need to be kids. This precludes you from having the kind of relationship your child has with their friends. If you try too hard to their best friend you stop being their parent.

You have to wait for them to learn things.

Pushing too hard can make a child fall down. The old school way was to constantly push kids to do more and be more. Some of that worked. What you need to be careful of is trying to push your child to do things that developmentally they are not ready for. A three-year-old should not be carrying heavy objects and they are not ready for some mental tasks. Expecting a child to act older than they really are is a bad formula. Spend some time learning what a “typical” child should be able to do at what age. Then cut your child some slack. If they are on average doing things they should, they can take longer to learn some things than others. We all have different skills. If they seem to be falling behind get them professionally evaluated.

Let them be kids.

Drive a car too fast for too long and it will fall apart. I see a lot of clients who were pushed beyond their limits to be perfect as children and then once out of the house they fell apart.

That “playing around” is not a bad thing. Play is a sort of rehearsal for life. Well-adjusted children learn to play so they can enjoy what they do later in life. In your haste to prepare your child for adult life do not take away the joy of living.

Encouraging is not nagging.

Encouragement is pointing out the successes not yelling at them to do more and do better. Saying you believe in them need not convey the message that you will only love them if they win big.

Be slow to point out their mistakes.

If all you ever get is criticism you may think you are incapable and give up. There is such a thing as “learned helplessness” where after a while when nothing you do is adequate, you stop trying. Do not teach your child that no matter how hard they try it will never be possible for them to measure up.

Be fast to recognize your mistakes.

As a parent, you will make mistakes. Accept that. Learn from that. Doing the thing that is not working over and over will not change the child. It will wear you and them out. Learn from your child and from others. Practice your parenting skills and you will get better. The truth is that the youngest children will have very different parents than their older siblings.

They will change.

Children change whether you want them to or not. Just about the time you figure them out, they will have changed. But then often the child thinks this same thing about the parent. The person you were ten years ago is not who you are now or who you will be ten years from now. Neither is your child.

Your answers will not work for them.

You had to find your way in life, hopefully, you are there now. If not keep working on you. Your child will need to do the same. You may be good at music and they have no interest what so ever. Or they may have your interest but like a form of music, you can’t stand. That is the way it works.

Occasionally we see a person that is in the family business or who is a third or fourth generation professional in the same field. That is rare. What is more common is parents who push their child into their footsteps and the path does not fit that child. Let them explore and find their own way.

Once they start to think they will come up with new stuff.

A common parent mistake is to try to tell your children to think for themselves and then be horrified at the things they think. Your children are living in a different world than you did. They will grow up with technology you will struggle to keep up with.

This attraction to and willingness to accept new ideas is not limited to technology. Accept that the next generation will experiment with new ideas. Some will work and some will not. The Old is good but so is new. There needs to be a balance. Rejecting your hobby or your ideas does not have to equal a rejection of you. Do not think that because your child thinks about new things that invalidates you.

The stuff will not make them love you.

A whole lot of adults fell into the trap of thinking that working hard to give their kids the things they never had as children will make their child happier and healthier. That does not work.

Ten, twenty, thirty years from now most kids will not remember the exact thing you bought them. They will remember the time you spent or did not spend with them. Remember to give love and time as much or more than you give things.

Popular does not last, hard work does.

There is a time in school when being popular and with the in-crowd matters. The life lesson we mostly learn is that who is in and why can change in an instant.

That popular person in the senior class in high school may be not so popular three months later when you start college. The in musical group or politician may be out tomorrow. Popularity is a lot about others. Those who stay at the top over the long haul work really hard at what they do. They have talent but talent is hugely about how many hours you practice what you do. Talents grow with use.

Feelings will change.

Feelings can and should change. This is a real life. Some days are better than others. Do not think that the way you feel now will be the way you will feel some other time. We used to think of childhood as a happy time, free of responsibilities, and then as an adult, you had to struggle. Nowadays that is upside down. Many kids struggle with anxiety, depression, or loneliness. Then when we get to be older life is happier. Not because you have everything, may elderly have much less than before, but you just start to appreciate what you have and don’t care so much what others think.

There will be life after children.

From the first day you have a child in your life, or even the day you know you will have one, your life changes. You think a lot about your child all that time. Then one day that child leaves you and you have to think about what will happen next. Some couples go through a crisis then. They spent more than half their life doing things for their children and now they can’t figure out what to do together or with the rest of their life. As important as your children are you need to still have a life that you will want when the kids are gone.

Some of you will try to substitute being grandparents for being parents. Being active in your grandchildren’s life is good, but remember you can’t take over the role of being your grandchild’s parent. You need to let your children parent their children and then the whole cycle starts over.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you at risk for Postpartum or Peripartum Depression?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mother with child

Postpartum depression.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

7 risk factors for Postpartum Depression.

What factors might put you at risk of Peripartum Depression?

When it comes to mental health, why one person gets a disorder and another person does not, is just not all that clear. A life event, something we call a stressor, could push one person into depression and a similar event could leave another person unscathed. Risk factors do not equal getting the disorder. But if you have these factors in your life then you are at more risk of Peripartum Depression than most.

For those not familiar with the term Peripartum depression, it is like Postpartum Depression only it allows for depression that starts in pregnancy rather than restricting the concept to those who become depressed after the birth of a child.

Here are 7 factors that put you at risk.

1. Past Episodes of Depression.

Women who have had episodes of depression in the past are at increased risk to develop Peripartum Depression. The more times someone has been depressed and the longer those episodes, presumably the higher that risk.

If you have had depression and received treatment, think back to what was helpful to you in reducing or controlling that episode of depression and do more of that. If you did not get help for those past episodes of depression or sadness, now is the time.

2. Stress in your life adds risk.

The more stress the woman is under the more the risk. What is stressful to one woman may not be to another. It is far more complicated than just financial stress.

Look for ways to reduce stress. Learn stress reduction and stress management techniques. Also, work on relaxing and being patient. Give your life the time to develop rather than pushing to have everything be done right now.

3. Poor relationship with your partner.

New couples need some time to adjust to each other. Some couples were never meant to be despite getting together and making that baby. Many other couples get off to a rocky start but with work, they develop a good long-term relationship.

Having a second person to share the duties, joys, and trials of child-rearing can be a beneficial thing for all involved. If there are problems in the relationship the sooner you work through those problems the better.

4. Having little social support increases your risks.

One person, your partner, no matter how supportive that person is, will probably not be enough support for the tasks of creating a family and raising children. Being a parent is hard work. Some people make parenting and relationships look easy but for most of us, it takes work.

Your partner will be going through things also. Sometimes you feel and think things your partner is not up to hearing. Work on strengthening your support system to reduce this risk of Peripartum Depression.

There are posts elsewhere on this blog about support systems and how to develop one. Some of those posts can be found here:

How supportive is your support system?

Can one person be a support system?

How do you develop a support system?

5. Your mother’s depression puts you at risk.

A family history of depression, any depression, increases the risk of you developing Depression. Having a mother had Peripartum or postpartum depression adds to the risk that a woman will have an episode of depression during pregnancy and the first year after the delivery of the child.

As with so many other “risk factors,great-grand-mother” a risk factor does not mean that absolutely positively this woman will be depressed, it just means it is one other thing to think about.

We have also seen research that suggests that the life experiences of your great-grandmother and beyond may be affecting your emotions. See the post – Pick your grandmas wisely – their life affects your feelings. 

6. Being poor – low SES.

Along with all the other burdens that come with being poor, living in bad neighborhoods, or being of low socioeconomic status there is the extra risk of developing postpartum depression.

Absolutely there are poor families that are happy and where there is little or no depression. Having money does not deter depression. But all things being equal having some money, at least enough to get by on sure relieves a lot of the stress of being a new parent.

Couples who are able to delay that first child until they have a job or career path do better. It helps if you have stable housing and something saved up. Many young parents have to rely on family, friends, or government programs to make ends meet.

Not having the money to get by on can strip the joy of a new child right out of your grasp.

7. Having a difficult infant.

There are those babies who from day one just are crankier than others. That child may have an illness or just an irritating disposition. Hard to care for children make their parent’s life more difficult. This is an extra burden on young or inexperienced parents.

These are the most commonly recognized risk factors for Postpartum or Peripartum Depression. I suspect there are other factors that up this risk, especially personal life experience factors. When you have come through difficult times or are still going through them, life’s challenges can be more difficult to manage.

If you or someone you know has a lot of these risk factors, look for ways to manage the stress of going through the pregnancy or being a new parent. Support systems can help so can professionals. And if you are feeling overwhelmed just now consider a help hot-line or reaching out for professional help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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What is Postpartum or Peripartum Depression?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Is this postpartum depression or just the baby blues?

Postpartum depression.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

The idea that a woman can get sad, blue, even depressed as a result of giving birth has been around for a long time. Professionals have struggled with what this is and how to be helpful and we continue to struggle with those issues.

We knew that depression around the time of delivery causes a lot of suffering for the mother. Sometimes it becomes a problem for the father and other family members. And yes, we now know that having a depressed mother, immediately after birth, or later in childhood, can affect the child, possible for the rest of that child’s life.

There has been a reluctance to keep creating new disorders for each and every cause of depression. One way out of this dilemma has been to keep the same set of symptoms for depression regardless of what has caused the depression.

For depression, there is a list of specifiers for types. Most of those specifiers have to do with the way the symptoms present. Some people eat more and some eat less and so on.

Only two causes have gotten their own specifiers, seasonal pattern as in seasonal affective disorder and Postpartum Depression. Postpartum Depression is now called Peripartum Depression to also include depression that sets in before the birth of the child.

Symptoms of Peripartum Depression.

Symptoms of Peripartum depression are very similar to the symptoms of other forms of depression. Sleep disturbance, if it is over and above that caused by having a newborn who cries when it has needs, is one symptom. Changes in appetite and loss of interest in things that used to make you happy are other common signs this is depression and not just the normal getting used to being a parent.

Feeling hopeless or like a bad mother are serious symptoms of depression. Some women will become much more irritable or anxious than before pregnancy. You may also feel numbed out or disconnected from life and from those around you. Worrying, excessively about the child’s safety can also be a symptom of a mental health issue.

The new DSM (DSM-5) reports the frequency of Peripartum Depression at 3% to 6% of all women. The sheer fact that it gets its own separate specifiers suggests to me that the rate of women with depression during and after the birth of a child is higher than any 6%.

Some studies have followed women for the first year after the birth of the first child and they find significant stress and higher rates of depression over that year time period.

Research studies have reported that rates of “Baby Blues” those brief episodes of sadness that occur during and after pregnancy can run as high as 80% in some populations.

One reason for the discrepancy in the numbers is that we used to talk about mood disorders and treat Depression and Bipolar as part of the same mood disorder family. These two conditions have gotten a divorce and are now living in separate chapters in the new DSM-5. While Postpartum or Peripartum depression may only get 6% the new Peripartum Bipolar Disorder should also have some numbers. So far I have not seen any statistics on the number of women who develop Peripartum Bipolar Disorder but the new DSM-5 clearly allows for this possibility.

Some of these cases in which a woman develops symptoms during and after pregnancy also reach the point of having delusional or psychotic features. In these cases, the mother may believe there is something wrong with the child, that the child is evil or a similar delusion. Women who develop psychosis after the birth of one child have a risk (from 30% to 50%) of having psychotic symptoms during each pregnancy thereafter.

Another reason the rates of Peripartum Depression may be understated is that some women do not develop symptoms quickly enough to get the diagnoses in the first 4 to 6 weeks. After that, the diagnoses will probably be Major Depression and the Peripartum specific will get left off.

Those milder cases of sadness that happen during pregnancy and after delivery, the things that are popularly called baby blues, they most likely will not get a diagnosis at all. For a while there was a study of something called Minor Depression, there was even a set of proposed symptoms for minor depression in the older DSM-4. That has now been dropped.

While some cases of baby blues may not get the official nod of a diagnosis of “with Peripartum onset,” they need treatment. If you have been sad or depressed during pregnancy or afterward, consider getting professional help. Let the professional worry about what the correct diagnosis code should be.

If you have ever thought that your child was cursed or evil, get help fast before you harm that child and yourself.

What causes a woman to be at high risk for Peripartum or Postpartum Depression? There are at least 7 factors that put you at risk for postpartum depression. More on those factors in a coming blog post.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

18 Ways you are a really bad parent.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Child crying

Ways to be a bad parent.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

18 ways to be a really bad parent.

Here are 18 really bad ways to treat children. Do them enough and you can destroy a child’s life. Some parents do these things out of ignorance, others out of meanness. (Want to be a good parent then avoid these traps.)

How many of these child-warping parenting techniques do you use?

1. Never tell your kids you love them.

Parents are for discipline not love. They should know you love them, you feed them sometimes right?

You can be strict or you can be lenient as long as the kids know you love them. Strict without love is abusive. Lenient without love can turn into neglect.

2. Point out everything wrong with your child.

Point out every mistake they make. Keep at them until they get it right or give up. Over the years I have seen a whole lot of people who came from non-affirming homes. No matter how hard they tried they could never please their caregiver. Eventually most stopped trying. They also developed a concept of themselves that they were incapable of doing anything well. Some of these people had extraordinary talent; just no one ever told them so.

Pick on them every chance you get. Point out the flaws in their face and how ugly they are. Prepare them to deal; with the “real world.”

The result of this sort of bullying is people who develop a victim mentality. They think they deserved to be bullied and they become permanent victims or they get angry and they strike out at anyone and everyone.

Constantly running a child down is a form of child abuse, not good parenting.

3. Belittle children in public whenever possible.

Make sure you publicly belittle your child and you will teach them to avoid others. This can result in a lot of social phobias, people afraid to be in public because they know they will be put down by others.

Break their spirit while they are young and they will never have to attempt anything that might show you up.

4. Do all the things you told them not to.

Remind your children to “do as I say not as I do.” This sets them up to be hypocrites and liars. Do not be surprised when they do sneaky things behind your back. You taught them to say one thing and do another.

5. Never teach them anything, make them find out for themselves.

Remind them you shouldn’t have to explain things to them. Call them stupid if they ask questions. Keep them ignorant and they will be slow to catch onto how lame their caregiver was.

6. Remind them you expect them to be a failure.

Tell them often enough and they will live down to your expectations. Most kids want to be just like their parents.

7. Do not ever talk about the future with them, they have no future.

The best way to repeat the cycle of dropping out of school, early parenthood, and a life on welfare, with no job and no hope, is to set this example yourselves. Let them know that you expect them to be an even bigger failure than you were.

Make sure you never share any of life’s lessons you have learned with them.

8. Remind them constantly you are the king in this castle and they are peasants.

Set them up to be the victims in a controlling relationship for the rest of their life. Undermine their self-esteem and intuition.

9. Tell them how they should be feeling.

Make sure you invalidate everything they feel. If they tell you a feeling tell them no they are not feeling that, they are feeling something else. Remind them that their only purpose in life is to feel the way you tell them to feel.

The expressions “You should not feel that way” and “you should be feeling the same way I do.” Will help undermine their ability to feel what they are feeling.

10. Never let them think for themselves.

Make sure your children do not learn to think for themselves. This makes them easier to control. You will need to control them for a while though eventually they will become controlled by drug dealers, pimps, or abusive partners.

Congratulate yourself you have created an easy to control adult with the emotions of a child.

11. Tell them everything, never ask.

Convince them that their opinions do not matter. Make them doubt themselves and they will never attempt anything worth doing.

12. Never explain anything; it is over their heads anyway.

Create in your children the love of ignorance. This will protect them from schools, learning, and the risk of ever accomplishing anything in life.

13. Family communication means you tell them.

Do not let them ask to have their needs met. Keep all family communication a one-way street. You didn’t talk to their other parent why would you want to talk to them?

14. Toughen them up for the real world.

Make sure you instill a negative dog-eat-dog attitude in your children. You would not want them turning soft on you. People who do for others are soft. You are hardening your children up so they can be takers.

15. Teach them what a bully really looks like.

If you beat the stuffing out of them they will know how to take the beating that others will give them. Make sure that they know the only thing they deserve in life is a good beating.

16. Never tell them the truth about anything, keep them guessing.

You don’t owe children the truth. They wouldn’t recognize it if you told them anyway. Keep them, believing all the stories you tell them for as long as you can.

17. Give them nicknames – stupid, lazy, ugly, fats.

If you call all your kids by pet names you can turn them into animals. It will be fun to watch them quarrel and hurt each other.

18. Forget being consistent, keep them guessing.

Good parents are consistent and loving, two things you would never want to be.

If you enjoy doing all these things to your children you will love watching them do the same things to your grandchildren, should you get to keep them in your life that long.

If these recommendations appall you then make sure you do the opposite and nurture those children.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Tobacco is the ticket to mental illness and addiction

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Smoking cigarettes.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Tobacco and Mental Illness.

Early Cigarette smoking is strongly linked to developing a mental illness or an addiction

The younger you start smoking the riskier it is. In our efforts to teach kids about drugs and addiction we have been neglecting to focus on the one drug that seems to be the ticket to later-life mental illness and addiction.

That drug is nicotine.

Most young people with a drug or alcohol problem began to smoke between the ages of 11 and 13. Early use of alcohol is also a factor. For now, let’s talk about the impact of smoking cigarettes on teen’s development of a mental illness or an addiction.

Among adult smokers, over 80% began smoking in the early teen years.

What has gone unnoticed for so long is the connection between this early smoking, the development of addiction to other drugs, and the development of a mental illness.

Fortuna Et al. reported on a study of adolescents in a residential substance abuse treatment program. You need to have developed a serious problem to get into residential treatment in most places these days. What they found was disturbing.

An occasional smoker, those “social” smokers, can develop a dependency on Nicotine in as little as 4 weeks. Kinney reported in a drug treatment book that after smoking just one cigarette, once they light up that second time, a young person has an 85 % chance of becoming a daily smoker. That is an extremely addictive substance.

Among teen smokers in residential substance abuse treatment, the problems with mental illness were significant. Those with depression and anxiety, both common across the lifespan, they were twice as likely to develop nicotine dependence as those without a mental illness.

People with Bipolar Disorder and or Schizophrenia are three times more likely to be nicotine dependent. Even the rates of smoking among those with ADHD are reported as significantly higher than those with no mental illness diagnosis.

Being the victim of, or being exposed to trauma, domestic violence or other abuse and neglect also correlate with an increase in smoking and nicotine dependency.

It is worth noting that from the design of these studies we can’t be sure of the exact nature of the connection. Does smoking increase the risk of developing a mental illness? It looks likely. It also looks likely that those with a preexisting mental illness are more likely to take up smoking. Either way teen smoking is a whole lot more troubling than anyone recognized in the past.

What Fortune et al. did conclude in their study was that a teen’s cigarette smoking significantly increased the risk of them developing a serious drug or alcohol addiction. They also report that those with co-occurring disorders, addiction, and a mental illness are much more likely to become nicotine dependent if they start smoking.

In this study, the only drug that teens had used first more often than smoking tobacco was smoking marijuana. We have known that route of administration significantly impacts the way the drug affects a user. It seems to me that any drug that is smoked can lead to dependency faster than other routes of administration. Even so, the conclusion that more teens with co-occurring disorders began by smoking marijuana is a concern.

Alcohol use was a close third in the drug that teens who later developed an addiction had used first. This suggests that parent use, societal approval, and ready availability are all factors in teen’s first picking up a drug and then in progressing to a more serious substance use disorder.

Most of this kind of research looks at those who develop problems and then looks back at what route the followed to get to addiction. We can’t be sure what percentage of teens that smoke cigarettes, do marijuana, or drink alcohol will go on to develop a substance use disorder or a mental illness. Still, it seems clear that those who do develop an addiction or a mental illness, most of them started abusing the readily available substance at an early age.

In studies of teens in drug treatment, Fortune et. al especially notes this, smoking is so common, almost every teen is a smoker, it is hard to see the differences between the smokers and the nonsmokers.

Lawrence et. al, looked at the connection between smoking and mental illness in a large sample of youth, not in treatment. Their conclusions were similar. Teens with a mental illness were far more likely to start smoking at an early age, smoke on an everyday basis, and be heavy smokers. They clearly identified a link between teens who smoke and mental illness.

It is important that in addressing teen mental health issues and substance abuse issues we not overlook the role of nicotine and early smoking. We also need to keep an eye out for the emergence of increased marijuana use as the first indicator of a teen mental health issue.

Other research and treatment protocols have looked at the need for a different form of treatment for those whose primary drug of choice was Marijuana and who had self-reported this as being a problem. For more on drug-specific treatment of Marijuana look at the SAMHSA publication on Brief Counseling for Marijuana Dependency (BCMD.) This publication is free.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Without Boundaries your children get lost

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Boundary gate.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Your failure to set reasonable boundaries can be harming your children.

Many parents have weak, almost invisible boundaries. It is easy to confuse having boundaries with being rigid and inflexible. Being lenient with your children and having no boundaries is not the same thing by a long shot.

Consider that we often teach others how to treat us. Not having boundaries or not having appropriate boundaries with other adults in our lives teaches our children that boundaries are not important.

A family without boundaries.

Some families have little or no boundaries. The people in these families do whatever they want. Kids come and go as they please.  Adults behave in inappropriate ways.

If you grew up in a family like that you may have gotten the message that your parents were not able to control you. If they couldn’t control you then maybe you can’t be controlled.

Weak boundaries impair self-control.

The result of growing up with weak boundaries was that you found it progressively more difficult to control yourself. Good boundaries for adults and children help kids to learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It helps them learn self-control.

Weak boundaries can make you part of someone else.

Some families develop a more enmeshed pattern of interaction. Children are expected to think, feel, and act just as their parents do. This results in becoming disconnected from your feelings. When asked how you feel you may respond by telling others how you should feel rather than being able to find a genuine emotion inside you.

If you never had boundaries growing up you can be in for some real problems when you get into an adult relationship.

Not learning appropriate boundaries as a child puts you at risk to get into relationships with people who will not respect your boundaries. The cycle repeats itself.

The other issue that we often see is parents who just can’t let go. Their children, now adults, find it hard to set boundaries with their family of origin.

There is a lot of truth to those old in-law jokes. New couples find it hard to tell their parents no and set boundaries to keep those in-laws out of their new relationship. This can result in unhappy romantic relationships or blow up’s with the families you came from.

Learning boundaries as an adult.

It is hard learning to set appropriate boundaries when you are an adult. Children should learn what is OK and what is not and then as they grow they begin to establish for themselves what things are boundaries for them and what things they find OK.

Remember that as relationships and your life changes you need to strengthen and reinforce your boundaries.

Boundaries with exes.

Another boundary that is problematic is the one you draw with exes. Not keeping good boundaries with your ex’s can ruin your new relationship. Yes, some of you have baby’s fathers and baby’s mothers. You will always have a relationship with them through your children. But don’t let them cross your boundaries and try to continue an unhealthy relationship with you.

Never being who you are and the person who is in charge creates confusion for children and can make your life miserable.

Keep working on setting realistic appropriate boundaries with people in your life and your children will learn from you. Good fences make for good neighbors and good boundaries make for a happy life and a good recovery.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is it a ritual or a routine?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tea cup.

Morning tea.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you stuck in a routine? Maybe you need more rituals.

Families that have specific family rituals often are happy and more cohesive. Nowadays most families have abandoned rituals and are stuck in stagnant routines.

What’s the difference between a ritual and a routine?

A routine is defined as (From Encarta) repetitive, a usual pattern of activity, even part of a computer program.

A ritual is something else. It involves following a set pattern, ceremonies and may include set forms of communication. Let’s look at some differences and why they may be affecting you and your family.

Rituals mark transitions in time and space.

Think of this as the difference between the last day of school each year and a graduation ceremony when you complete your education.

Routine – You come home from work, your kids come home from school. People get hungry so they go in the kitchen and eat. Maybe what mom or dad made, maybe something else. Food in the after-the-work hours is every man or woman for themselves.

The result is often a kitchen that is a mess, dirty dishes scattered throughout the house, and people coming and going as they please. Other results include a family that doesn’t feel like a family. No one belongs and they are each doing their own thing. There is also probably a lot of fighting over who does what and why the kitchen and the rest of the house is such a mess.

For some families, dinner is a ritual rather than a routine.

Ritual

Dinner is served with everyone seated around a common table. No one starts till everyone gets there. (Oh the social pressure if you are the last in and keeping the rest of YOUR FAMILY from eating.)

The meal may start with a prayer or other opening words. There is likely to be a custom of people talking to each other, asking about each other’s day, and sharing what is going on in their life.

The result of transforming evening eating into a family dinner results in some positive benefits.

Families that regularly eat together, 4 or more nights per week, their kids get better grades. People are more likely to feel like they are all connected and belong as opposed to those people who feel more like guests in their own home.

Rituals include some symbolic elements. By doing this and saying that we are affirming we are part of something, belong to something, and that what we are doing has a greater significance than just getting through life.

Dinner, the meal, becomes dinner, the time we all spend together, and affirm we are a family.

Making meaning in your life.

If your life seems routine and boring, consider the meaning behind the things you do. Leave out the meanings and the rest of life is just going through the motions.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel