Category Archives: Self Help

Fighting Boredom – finding things to do

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is your life boring?

We can all slip into this rut from time to time. Day after day we do the same things. They stop being exciting, they stop being fun. Relationships can get too predictable and then the magic goes out of them. We begin to be bored.

Some people try to cure boredom by taking big risks or making drastic changes. You don’t need to do drugs, get a divorce, or run off to join the circus to put the fun back in your life.

Kids are likely to experience boredom.

Teens and tweens are especially prone to this boredom syndrome. Someday as grownups they will wish they had some downtime, some rest, and relax time. But now they will tell you that they are bored, that there is nothing to do in this town.

It is not just parents in small towns that hear these complaints. One reason they ring true and are so hard for parents to dispute is that we adults can get into some awfully boring routines after a few years of living.

So parents if your kids are saying they are bored, show, don’t tell, them how to shake that feeling. Start by looking at your life and if you are boring, try changing that first.

One quick way to change feelings is by changing habits. Here are a few simple ideas. I have confidence in you readers and look forward to some suggestions from all of you of things you have done or are doing to shake the boredom and start living again.

Artistic types need this a lot. We get in ruts and need to break into new patterns. So do people with very conventional lives. You, accountants, know you need a little excitement also.

Go a different way to work.

Altering paths forces you to look at different scenery. These new sights stimulate you and hopefully your imagination.

Try a new destination.

Change the store you shop at, go to a different library, or a new mall. Many cities have old towns or artist areas, check these out. They are not places you would normally shop but you will see new things and get the thinking and the imagination going again.

Cook or eat a new food.

We have an obesity epidemic. Average life spans are declining and much of this is the result of food being too available. Much of that instant gratification food is unhealthy.

Now is a good time to try your hand at cooking something new, something healthy, or just something you have never tried before. You have to eat anyway. Why eat boring when you can make food an adventure.

Healthy food may be an even bigger adventure because it takes thought and effort and results in a feeling of accomplishment when you get it done.

Meet a new person.

Not suggesting you take up living in singles bars. What are the activates you could get involved in that might bring you into contact with other like-minded locals?

School activates, church or temple, volunteer organizations, or any civic event can lead to making new friends. New friends are energizing and a great cure for the boredom blues.

Has someone ever helped a child do something?

How did that make you feel? Did you feel bad because the kid suckered you into helping them? Not really.

Try finding others you can help so you can feel good.

Also if you are in recovery, get a sponsor and let them feel good about helping you. Needing helps sometimes does not keep you out of the helping crowd.

Make a list and check things off.

Make lists of things you want to do someday, that proverbial bucket list or just things closer to home. Do you have projects that you have been meaning to get to ever since you moved into that house? They still are not done?

Would it surprise you to find that lots of people retire or sell the house and move away with all those projects never done?

If you start doing things around the house or in your own area, you will have some time to enjoy the results of those projects.

What would a tourist to your hometown do?

Many people have never been to a museum or seen the local tourist attractions unless a friend or family member came to town to visit and you had to take them around on a tour. Give yourself that tour.

Get moving, get doing, and see how your boredom runs away.

Now if you try to get into action and you find you can’t, that nothing is fun anymore, then you may have a clinical loss of pleasure. That is a symptom of depression in one of its flavors.

If you find you have depression or persistent sadness or whatever you chose to call it, consider getting professional help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Think your pain away, why meds may not be enough

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Coping with pain.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

If being mentally healthy will reduce your physical pain why is it a last resort?

Prescription drug use in America is at an all-time high. So is the abuse of prescription drugs. With more and stronger medications always being introduced why do so many Americans report chronic pain?

Doctors will prescribe all sorts of medication, sometimes even surgery, but when all else fails they will often refer the patient to counseling or a mindfulness class. Why is working on your thinking a last resort?

We know if you think about your pain, really concentrate on what is ailing you the pain grows in importance. It may even take over your life. This effect is true for both mental and physical pain.

Some simple mental techniques have been repeatedly shown to reduce the impact of pain and lessen the disability caused by those pains.

We know that those old pain involved expressions carry a lot of truth.

You are a pain in the neck – People who fit that description makes us feel sore in the neck region.

You make me sick – People who are disagreeable can affect our sleep and digestion.

We know from personal experience that dysfunctional interpersonal relationships can cause real physical pain. Learning to change or accept things in our life can go a long way towards managing our pain, both physical and mental.

Has there ever been a time when you were in serious pain and then something fun, a happy event occurred? For that brief time, you discover that you forget about your pain. Watching a funny program can reduce the feelings of sadness that are plaguing us.

In an earlier post, I wrote about “Don’t think about Elephants.” The process of trying not to think about a thing actually can make that item harder to forget. We find that rather than trying to not think about the pain, the pain in the back, or the pain in the heart, we need to focus on things that are helpful and positive.

Hospitals with chronic pain clinics have found that classes in exercise, yoga especially, mindfulness, and other calming techniques can reduce pain for patients who had found no relief via the medication or surgery approaches.

Yoga and mindfulness are not some metaphysical hocus-pocus. As it was explained to me mindfulness is nothing more than paying attention to what you are doing. Make sure that you are walking when you walk instead of brooding about your troubles.

And yoga? What about that? One instructor told me that yoga is just exercising while breathing. If you didn’t focus on improving your breathing, yoga would just be another type of calisthenics.

Something as simple as walking each day can have a significant effect on depression.

Learning to breathe, relax, and clear your mind, can be especially helpful in reducing the stress and tension in the body.

So consider including some work on your thinking and your body as part of any pain management program. As always talk with your doctor before making any sudden changes but let that doctor know you are open to some counseling or exercise if that might help control your pain.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why you can’t make up your mind – Decisions.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Choice.

Choice.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why is hard to make up your mind when you have multiple choices?

Choosing when you have multiple options can be difficult for several reasons.

There are two basic methods for making decisions, logical and emotional. As we saw in a previous post about Intuition neither way of making your choices is infallible.

Most choices are not clear-cut, all good or all bad. So we have to weigh the choices and then find some way of evaluating the good and the bad of each choice. When we get all done many of us fall back on our default mode to make our decision.

Not all choices are equal, so a fixed set of decision-making rules does not always work even though some people and some institutions adopt a systematic procedure for making those decisions. Below are some examples of choices

A good choice vs. a bad choice.

Which do you want ice cream or a beating? Ice cream good, beating bad, take the ice cream. Anyone having trouble making that decision?

Good vs. good.

At the party do you want cake or ice cream? This is a matter of preference, may take longer to decide but either is OK. It might be better if you could have both but that was not an option offered.

Good with the bad vs. bad with the good.

Your friend is having a party with cake ice cream and some champagne. You just went on a diet to get in shape for that reunion and you are trying to give up drinking. See friend and go off your diet?

You promised your workout friend that you would join her today at the gym. Last time you made an appointment she did not show.  Go to the gym and work out to lose the weight but risk her standing you up again?

Now add more good and bad.

There is this cute guy from work that may be at the party, so might your ex.

There is this other cute guy that you met at the gym but your ex’s new girlfriend is now working there.

The more pros and cons we add the more difficult it becomes to make a decision.

Remember that whether you try to choose rationally or emotionally you run into problems making that decision.

Rationally you never have all the info you would need. Who will show up where? You can’t know ahead of time and if you attribute probabilities to these events that still does not solve the problem.

Which would be worse? Running into your ex or his new girlfriend or both of them together?

One common approach to solving this dilemma is to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle put the reasons for choosing one in one column and the reasons for choice two in column 2.

Not much help is it. Is the risk of getting ice cream instead of cake more or less important than the risk of seeing your ex or his new girlfriend? Not all reasons are equal. We get into some calculus to solve this equation.

Worst of all by the time you get all the info you need and get the math done, the party is over and the gym has closed.

Also, choice decisions do not always s include all the alternatives. Make sure that the best choice is not left off your list. Also as with the cake or ice cream example, sometimes our action as in asking for both can alter the options available.

One last decision problem – time.

A dollar today is not equal to a dollar a year from now. Neither is exercising or eating cake. You could go to a party now and then exercise next week. A few weeks of that and you will not need your gym membership. You also will not be in top shape for the class reunion and that was the reason for your exercise and get a healthy program in the first place.

Sometimes you need to trust your gut.

This impossibility of getting enough info and then assigning probabilities and so on is why much of the time we humans use intuition. Based on past experiences and the degree of your preference you will choose one way or the other and then have to live the consequences.

One last factor you need to consider is the importance of your goal. You might do something distasteful for money. Say your boss asked you to go to a function and make a speech and your ex might be there. Would you do it to please him? Would you do it for $1.00 how about $1,000,000? The bigger the rewards the more you might choose one option over the other.

But what about the size of the negatives? If one choice might alter your life forever in a bad way would that affect your decision?

So these kinds of choices are very personal and reflect not just the pros and the cons or the chances one thing or the other will work out, they also reflect your personal goals and values.

Your goals and values shape your choices.

To make better choices on difficult decisions you really need to get to know yourself, your goals, and your values. Then pick what is best for you.

Any comments from out there? Have you had to make a difficult choice and how did you finally go about deciding.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

More on how to be happy

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What does happy look like?

Happy is one of those things we talk about, we all say we want it, but when it comes down to the directions on getting from here to happy, we are all fuzzy on just how you get there.

Does this look like happy?

It may well that you can’t get there from here. Maybe you need to first go somewhere else, like contentment and then you turn right, or is it left? And yes happy is right around the corner from contentment.

Happy may well be the last street after acceptance and serenity.

Since happiness is so hard to describe we might do better when we see it.

Here are a few photos that could start you on the road to becoming an expert on happiness. Knowing what to look for couldn’t hurt. We all used to know what happy looked like once, even if we never actually felt that way.

Happy Cat. Maybe, this is a Zen master cat and has mastered no attachment, or maybe this cat just doesn’t care.

Not sure how we would know if a cat were happy. Maybe by the purring?

I asked my cat but she is ignoring me.

Happy child, yes that looks happy.

There we have it. A Happy we can tell when we see it.

Children don’t try to hide happy the way some adults do. They haven’t forgotten what happy feels like yet.

Some people say they never feel happy.

Never feeling happy, that is some form of depression, somewhere between Persistent Depressive Disorder (The old dysthymia) and Major Depressive Disorder. It is the result of something that actually happened then that could be a stress issue, as in Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood.

We, professionals, have all sorts of descriptions for unhappy but nowhere, that I see, are their clinical descriptors for “too happy.”

We will just have to take the risk and try one more picture. Maybe that will help us recognize happy the next time it crops up.

There do you have it? Can you recognize happy the next time it greets you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When your mind magnifies your problems

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By David Joel Miller MS Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mind magnifies your problems.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

My Magnifying Mind.

Pole-vaulting over dust bunnies.

This recurring human habit to make mountains out of molehills, say it any way you like, but the truth is that my mind can make the smallest inconvenience into a major problem. Does yours?

Do you find that a major part of the stress in your life comes from worry and planning for things that never happen? What if the car won’t start? Do you say to yourself “That would be awful, unbearable, I just couldn’t stand it?”

This habit, to focus on the minute and miss the important, is sometimes referred to as “catastrophizing.” Focus on the risks and your depression and anxiety can expand to fill every moment of your life.

Absolutely it pays to plan for possibilities. You need issuance. Car insurance is a requirement in most places and those who do not have it face dire consequences when they get in an accident. Fire or homeowner’s insurance is recommended. So is some form of disaster preparedness.

Do you worry about what will happen if—but do nothing about it?

What if you NEVER get a job again? That is a possibility. But rather than stress on what if’s consider what you are doing to find a job. What are you doing to make yourself more marketable?

Did the boss say he needs to see you this afternoon? Do you immediately think that you are going to get chewed out, maybe even fired and you don’t even know what you did?

When your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t answer your call, do you start thinking they are out with someone else? Do you imagine that they never want to speak to you again? Do you worry that if this person dumps you then you will NEVER have another lover in your life? You will live the rest of your life lonely.

That is your magnifying mind at work.

Some people worry so much about their lover breaking off the relationship that they anger themselves over this possibility. They may become jealous, violent or very often they break up with the partner first.

Their magnifying mind has turned a small delay in hearing from someone into a major catastrophe.

You are running late to work; there is traffic today, like every day. There is that report you still need to finish and if you are late there may be no coffee left in the break room. What if there are messages and emails to return. And you forgot to take something out to defrost for dinner.

Do you think “Today is sure to be a disaster.”

The repeated piling of one worry on top of another can overload the brain and result in an inability to do anything at all. If you abuse substances you may decide to stop for a drink so you can cope. If you suffer from anxiety or depression you may fall apart and decide to skip work today.

All of these things happen when our mind turns the magnifier on those usual problems of daily living and magnifies them to impossible proportions.

If you have a magnifying mind, turn that lens the other way and shrink those problems back down to their true size. Live today in today and leave the worries of later for then.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How you can get more A’s, easier B’s, and pass life’s tests in 9 easy steps.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

abc

Grades.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How to get an A or study less and still get a B.

If you want to get more A’s in school here is a system for improving those grades. This system will also help you get B’s more easily if that is your goal. (Check out the post on Why B students are happier.)  This system, with some minor modifications, will work for aceing other of life’s tests like job interviews.

Most of this has to do with college classes. This is the point where a lot of us really stress. If you do well in college more possibilities, like good-paying jobs, open up to you. If you are still in high school or some other learning environment adjust the ideas to your situation.

Get a running start on the grade you want.

Be on time for the first class; maybe even get there a little early. Getting to class late that first night puts you behind the rest of the time. You may be able to catch up but why take the chance?

Not being on time leaves you looking for a parking space, hunting for a seat, while the others are taking notes.

Also, come prepared, paper pen all that stuff. If possible have the textbook.

Coming late may mean you miss hearing about an important class requirement. What if there is a must go on a field trip later in the semester and you are not able to get off work on weekends. You need to work out the requirements before you find yourself in a bind.

Read the syllabus.

Every semester I hand out a syllabus. Later in the semester people are surprised to learn that they have a major paper due or there will be a midterm next week and that is the week their spouse has planned a trip to see the folks.

Not doing the paper on time or missing the midterm are sure ways to blow that A. They are also easily preventable if you just read the syllabus and plan ahead.

If your instructor does not hand one out, pay special attention to the things they tell you, write them down and ask questions if it is not clear exactly what you are expected to do this year.

Do what the syllabus says.

If there is homework – Do the homework. If you need to read a chapter in the book – Read that chapter. Make sure you write the paper or do the project and turn it in, on time is a good idea.

Amazingly, that when all else fails read the directions approach, does not get you to the finish line on time.

Read assignments before class.

Try to read the chapter before class each session. You may not understand it all but you will find the terminology and the general subject that is about to be discussed. Look up words you don’t know. Most books have glossaries in the back to make that easy.

By reading ahead you can recognize what your instructor is talking about and you can ask more intelligent questions.

Take notes.

Some of you are visual learners, some auditory, some kinesthetic. Reading, hearing, and writing all utilize different circuits in the brain. The more of your brain you involve in learning the better your chances of remembering.

Taking notes helps even if you never look at them again.

Read the material again after class.

Rereading the chapter after class really helps store and consolidate the information. Things that did not make sense or did not stand out now become very important. You now know what your instructor emphasized and you want to make sure you have that material clear.

Review your notes.

Go back over the notes. Do you get it? What you feel unsure about, that part is what you may want to study.

Schedule your life to be there for tests.

We all have lives, especially college students who may be working and have families as well as attending school. Emergencies do happen. Plan ahead to reduce the problems.

Most instructors at many schools do not give makeup tests. Especially they do not give makeup midterms or finals. Don’t just plan to be there. Open up some extra time around the exam.

Tell your boss that you have a big test that night and see if you can make arraignments to leave work a little early. Nothing so blows a semester’s work as getting caught up in a crisis at work and arriving after the final exam is over. Also, tell your family or partner and enlist their support in being to the test on time and prepared.

Yes, traffic is sometimes bad or you get a flat. Planning ahead reduces the chances that this inconvenience turns into a disaster.

Learn test-taking skills to get the best grades.

People who are good at taking tests do better than those who are poor test-takers even when the test savvy students have done less studying. If you are one of those who finds taking tests difficult, learn test-taking strategies, and practice taking tests until you get good at it.

If you have test anxiety – work on getting your anxiety under control also.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How you can beat test anxiety

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxious woman

How anxiety holds you back.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Do you suffer from test anxiety?

Test anxiety is not just a problem for children in school. Want to drive, you need to take a test. Many jobs require tests. Even after you graduate from school many professions require licensing exams or tests to renew your license. Job interviews are another form of test, an oral one.

Dating is also a sort of test and some of you have only been able to do this with some alcohol to help you overcome that type of test anxiety. Sales also involve tests, does the client want what you are selling? Do you take it personally if you “fail to make the sale?” If you can’t stand being turned down you will never make it in sales.

Test anxiety is far more common than most of us recognize.

So today and in upcoming posts, we will look at test anxiety, how it affects us, and how to overcome it.

It is not the people who know the least that get test anxiety, nor is it those who are at the most risk of failure. Often the people who have the highest test anxiety are actually the best students but they consistently make three so-called thinking errors that interfere with their ability to put down on paper or another medium the full extent of what they know.

Don’t make the three key mistakes of people with high test anxiety. Test anxiety, technically called evaluation anxiety, is maintained by three concurrent thinking errors.

Don’t underrate your abilities.

People with high test anxiety consistently underrate their abilities compared to those who do not have test anxiety. You need to believe in yourself.

Learn to give yourself credit for what you know rather than focus on what you might get wrong. If you suffer from “low self-esteem,” work on being able to see the best in yourself.

Don’t overrate the consequences of doing poorly on the test.

One low score will not flunk you out of college. Cumulatively the consequences of a lot of test anxiety will lower your grades. Even then, slightly lower grades will not keep you from graduating if you do all the other work.

Remember in a hundred years no one, not even you, will know or care about what grades you got.

Honest, grades are not all that important. What does matter, is have you really learned the material? People who cram for tests will have forgotten most of what they learned in a week or two. If you really care about the subject you are studying them you will learn this material at a deep level.

Think grades or GPA matter all that much. Unless you are trying to get into a very exclusive school or are taking a once in a lifetime type test most times you score today is not all that big a deal.

Quick, what was your doctor’s GPA? What kind of grades did your lawyer get in school? Every day we trust our lives and liberties to people and have no idea what grade they received in school.

What we do care about is do they know their stuff. Can they get the job done?

Do not engage in negative self-talk that uses up working memory and creates the poor performance you feared.

Repeatedly telling yourself you are going to fail a test, nearly guarantees that you will. Your brain will try to help you out and make your predictions come true. (See the post on the Nocebo Effect in which you can quite literally think yourself sick.)

Good coaches do not solely focus on the athlete’s mistakes. They also give their players encouragement and recognition for things well done.

Be your own coach and encourage yourself. Tell yourself that you are going to do your best and you will.

Do not put off studying until the last minute.

Learn to study well ahead of time. Putting off your study session and then studying under pressure makes it harder for your brain to store that new information. Study early and often.

Even if time is limited, short periods of study each day are better than last-minute marathon study sessions.

When you really don’t know the answers your test anxiety will increase. If you are well prepared and well-rested your chances of doing well improve.

Watch for a future post on “How you can get A’s.” Tips I have learned from my many years in school and my time as a faculty member.

If all the basic tips for reducing test anxiety do not help, consider getting professional help. A good counselor or therapist can work with you on reducing this and many other anxieties.

Chances are that if you suffer from test anxiety there are lots of other anxieties that are keeping you from having the happy life you deserve.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

I got lost again – inside my house

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

looking for directions.

Lost in Life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Wandering again.

Several times this last week I have gotten lost without even leaving my own house.  My roommate describes this as “wandering.” She tells me I wander around the house as if I am lost.

Truth is, I frequently am lost. I do not yet believe this is an organic problem. My doctor does not think I have any dementia – yet. Still, I am getting concerned.

Most of the time I can blame these failings on the doorway effect. I wrote a previous post about how we all experience this memory fault, or most of us do. We go to the kitchen and then can’t remember what we went in there for.

I would like to blame my wandering on doorways, but I know that this problem should resolve if I would just go back to my desk in the office at which point I would remember what I needed in the kitchen.

The problem has become more acute. I find that I have to go to the bathroom, the bedroom, and then the kitchen, and not only can I not remember what I was looking for I am not sure where I am supposed to be going.

What I find has been going on is that I am mentally working on what the next post will be and the result is that there is little or no unused memory capacity for remembering where I am going and why.

We used to call this absent-mindedness. Remember the absent-minded professor? College is out for the summer here and I will not be able to use that excuse again until fall.

I believe that I am suffering from another more insidious ailment.

I have un-mindfulness.

Some of you have heard of mindfulness trainings. The goal is to get you to be fully present in the moment. Experience what you are experiencing and thus remember what is happening to you.

My problem is precisely the opposite. I am consciously unmindful. Wherever I find myself I am thinking about something that is somewhere else. My brain is occupied thinking through the next post even while my bladder is urging a hasty trip to the bathroom.

The result of these mental conflicts is that I end up in the kitchen, not sure why I am here and having an overwhelming urge to urinate.

I trust there is a minimal connection between the kitchen and the urge to urinate.

I remember a teacher who used to urge me to “pay attention to what you are doing.” I do not remember which teacher that was as I was not particularly paying attention.

What I believe I need to do is take a few days off from writing posts and read one of these mindfulness books I bought a while back, if only I could remember where I had placed the mindfulness book.

Hope you enjoyed this post. For the record, it is not my intention to make fun of those with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Just having a little fun realizing that sometimes my mind is so occupied with things somewhere else that I forget to be mindful of where I am now and what I am supposed to be doing.

Learning to be more mindful is not the only self-improvement project on my schedule this year. Remind me to tell you about my experiences with stress reduction, meditation, exercise, and yoga class. I am also trying to simplify my life and cut down on all these activities that are taking up my free time.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is Peaceful?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Calm waters.

Calm and Peacefull.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is Peaceful?

Peaceful: quiet, undisturbed, not in commotion, possessing or enjoying peace, mild, calm

Adapted from The Century Dictionary, 1890

Anger and Depression beat Contentment and Serenity.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

How fast do you have to drive to reach Serenity?

The advertisers’ version of contentment and happiness is a car, preferably a convertible, and a supermodel of your preferred sex, driving down the highway going as fast as you can. Despite repeated efforts, most of us find no matter how fast we go we never make it to happiness or contentment.

We don’t start to look for positive emotions like contentment, serenity or happiness until we are overwhelmed by all those negative emotions. Swamped with anger and disappointment we realize we can’t run or drive fast enough to reach contentment.

What if we started the other way around?

Is it possible that the really happy person is sitting in their car in the driveway, not having anywhere they have to be? Better yet, is true happiness sitting on the grass under the tree, not having to make the payment on that new car?

Until we become so busy that we can’t do it all, we do not recognize the benefits to be had from sitting quietly and enjoying our ease.

It is only when we experience the pain of negative emotions that we are able to realize the value of those less charged positive emotions like serenity or contentment.

In the collective, we mostly say we want world peace.  But inside ourselves, whether we admit it or not, most of us are hoping for some excitement, even if it comes at the price of more stress and emotional costs.

Try running a web search for “Contentment classes” and then compare those results to “Anger Management Classes.” You will find that few people are looking for contentment, but many are looking for ways to control their anger.

Is it possible that less doing and more being could have relieved this imbalance?

People who value serenity will tell you that they found their inner peace not by more searching but by sitting still and learning to appreciate where they were and what they had.

One of the great illusions of depressions is that there is something we need to find to make us happy. More things, another person in our lives, may be nice, but that sort of happiness does not last. Learning to be content by yourself, in the situation you find yourself, leads to an inner peace that may not resemble that car ad but will be a lot more valuable in the long run.

Sad to say but it appears that everyone is motivated to flee depression, anger, and anxiety, but not many people are willing to sit still and experience contentment and serenity.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel