Tag Archives: self-esteem

Creating self-healing rituals

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Love

Love better by loving yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What ritual can you create to chase away your depression or anxiety?

Rituals have both symbolic and literal meanings. The customary, usual, routine of things can make you feel more relaxed, calm, and reassured.

Many people who struggle with emotional, mental, or behavioral issues find that creating their own personal rituals can be helpful in keeping them grounded and on the path to recovery.

We talked before about recovery tools, those practices, or rituals that you might do with others or as part of your religious or spiritual practice. It can also be helpful to have very personal rituals that help keep you on the right path.

Make your morning coffee mean more than a jolt of caffeine before the rat race.

Tea ceremonies, I am told, include not just the drinking of the beverage but the process of selecting, arranging, and preparing your beverage. You can create a coffee ceremony for yourself if you chose.

For more American types, you coffee drinkers, consider getting yourself special blends, a fancy cup or mug, and reserving a time to sit and enjoy that morning beverage while you contemplate your life and your recovery.

Some people find it helpful to reserve that time for sitting outside and watching the weather or early morning creatures. I like to sit and watch the birds and squirrels outside my writing window.

Prepare a special food.

Cooking, even on a limited budget can be a ritual in which you go to extra efforts to make your meal special and appetizing. Add that little garnish. Spend time shopping for special healthy treats. Try out new recipes. You deserve to be pampered by someone who cares about you and your health. Become that person and care for yourself.

Do a relaxing form of exercise.

Walk, stretch or practice your yoga postures. Do these things slowly and calmly, not in the pain-to-gain system, but in a mindful thoughtful way. Make a part of your daily ritual a reaffirmation of your worth and the efforts you are making to care for yourself.

Listen to relaxing music.

Find music that relaxes you. Try out new listening experiences. Be your own companion on this musical journey. Music has a powerful influence on the moods of humans. Use that mood impact to your advantage.

Have a date with yourself.

Most of us spend the majority of our time with others. We can find it difficult to just be with ourselves. Consider taking yourself out to dinner, go to a movie, or do something you have always wanted to do.

Of course, if you have a special friend or romantic partner in your life you may want to share some of these adventures with them. Just make sure it is a shared adventure, not a giving up of you for there to be an “US.”

If you are single or separate just now, enjoy that space and work on becoming your own best friend.

By learning to create special rituals for yourself, things that say “I care about me and what the best for me,” you can make your recovery something exceptional and affirm that you are special and deserve to be treated well.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do therapists tell the police?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What will your counselor tell the police?

Short answer – Almost nothing!

For counseling to work, you need to talk about what is troubling you. For you to be able to talk like that, we professionals need to make it safe for you to do so. Enter the concept of confidentiality. What you tell your therapist is mostly confidential and may also be privileged patient psychotherapist’s communication.

There will always be someone who thinks we therapists need to protect society and tell something or other. Say you tell the therapist you are scared because you are driving without a license. Do we call the police about that?

No way. That does not happen in any place that remotely resembles a democracy or a republic, probably not in a lot of other forms of government either.

So how come the police sometimes show up at your door anyway? What did get told to them and how?

Sometimes a situation is so very dangerous that the police get notified.

Your house is on fire, the neighbor calls the fire department, and here come the police to control the crowds and traffic. I suppose some people get caught doing something illegal, like running a meth lab, because the police arrive at the fire and they find it. But the neighbor did not report you to the police, your secret slipped out because of the fire.

A similar thing happens when you tell a therapist about a very dangerous situation and we need to figuratively call the fire department.

There are certain things we just have to report, mostly to try to save lives.

I have talked about exceptions to confidentiality in a few other posts. Still, this topic continues to show up in questions and search terms. So, here is some reiteration specifically about exceptions to confidentiality and the police.

A danger to yourself is an exception to confidentiality.

If you plan to kill yourself we have to report that so you get help. This is not just a wish or thought, we should check if you are just thinking of dying, or are you planning to kill yourself and when?

We call someone to get an ambulance and take you to a psychiatric hospital. Usually, the police get called to manage the situation.

Do you get a police record for this? Generally no. Not unless you are breaking some other law, like shooting at the police when they try to take you to the hospital.

Danger to others gets reported.

If you are planning to kill someone we need to prevent that. This is not just doing something reckless. This is planning, intending to hurt others. This can get complicated. If you plan to burn the mall down while it is packed, could people die? So yes that sort of thing, in most places gets reported.

Abuse of a person that can’t protect themselves gets reported.

Child abuse, Elder abuse, disabled person abuse has to get reported. The goal here is to get the abuse to stop. But as in the care of the fire exposing your meth lab, stopping the abuse may leak out the fact that you have been committing a crime.

Sometimes these reports go to child protective services or adult protective services. In some areas, these reports go to the police department to check out.

Therapists only keep your secrets if they are your therapist.

If you see your doctor in the grocery store, don’t rely on his opinion of the produce. He is not being a doctor when you talk to him.

If the judge makes you talk to a therapist or CPS sends you to one, check if this is going to be confidential or if their report, warts, meth lab and all are going to the judge.

Even here consider the therapist is not calling the police on you. But if the judge gets the report on your mental state and you casually mentioned a couple of murders you did, the judge may be required to pass that on to the police.

So most things, even past crimes, we therapists do not report to the police. Honest, that is the last thing most of us want to do. Because once we make that call you stop trusting, stop telling us things, and then we can’t help you.

But occasionally because of something that we are required to report, some of your secrets could slip out. We do not necessarily call the police, but once we tell others to protect you or society that information is no longer strictly confidential.

When in doubt ask the therapist to tell you more about confidentiality. And if you have secrets that need to come out, let the therapist help you with the telling in the right way to the right person.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How can you tell if someone is normal?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Normal.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is normal anyway?

How can you tell if you are normal? How could you know if someone else is normal or just faking?

What if “normal” is having a whole lot of problems just like the rest of us?

Some days I start thinking either everyone is “normal” or none of us is. If by normal we mean no problems, emotional, mental, or behavioral. So far I haven’t found any such people.

Remember that I spend all day, most days, seeing people who need counseling and in that process, I need to assess them and give them a diagnosis. You might think that because I only see people who have issues, I don’t see the really “Normal” people.”

I am starting to doubt that.

Everywhere I go people seem to have one problem or another. Celebrities get drunk and do bizarre things, athletes do drugs and countless Facebook pages report mostly complaints about how rotten life is and how everyone they know is crazy.

The harder I look the fewer almost-normal people I can find.

This has started me thinking that we have set the bar for normal so high that no one can make it to almost normal let alone the full measure of normalcy.

If we expect normal people to be close to perfect then we are likely to be severely disappointed. Frankly, we all have our issues. Life happens, things happen and then we have to cope, for better or worse.

Some people cope better than others, but so far no one seems to be able to go on being “normal” every day for extended periods of time.

Frankly, I have given up on being normal. I will take “not certifiably crazy” any day.

From time to time when asked about how normal people do things, I have threatened to capture one of them and put that “normal person” on display at a zoo. That way the rest of us could observe what it would be like to have finally achieved normalcy.

After thinking about that a while I have to conclude that normal, is a long way from what most of us expect normal to be. Normal is, after all, living life in spite of having a whole lot of problems, issues, and untamed emotions. It may even be perfectly normal to have wild and crazy thoughts every now and then.

Given that, go ahead and enjoy being normal, even if you need therapy and meds to cope with a normal life.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Relaxed or tired?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tired or relaxed?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Can you tell the difference between relaxed and tired – most can’t.

Ever taken a vacation and come back more tired than before you left? Most of us have. Some of us are so used to pushing to accomplish things that a day off is a scary event. Stop running for even a moment and suddenly you realize how tired you are.

We live our life at such a frantic pace it can be a shock to our system to finally slow down.

Lots of people say they would like to be able to relax but when that opportunity finally occurs all they can report is that they are really tired.

This happened to me recently, or more precisely I finally recognized it was happening.

I mentioned a while back that I had taken up Yoga. Not in some fanatical religious conversion way, but just trying to do something structured that might help my flexibility and let me exercise without having to stay out in the heat or the rain. Being able to pick up things I drop on the floor and touch my toes again would be a plus.

Now our particular yoga class ends each session with a guided meditation. How common it is to do this I can’t say. Every yoga group I have ever attended has done it this way. But I can’t be all that confident with any conclusion drawn from a sample size of one.

What I have noticed is that by the end of the class, having attempted some postures, I am either so tired or so relaxed that I can’t remember much of what was said during the guided meditation.

This has caused me to wonder if I really can tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain tired.

Seems that I run from thing to thing so rapidly that I never have a chance to rest. When I finally do relax what I discover is the extent of my exhaustion.

This has led me to wonder if I or many of you are really ever able to relax. Or do we just run ourselves to the point of exhaustion and then when we stop to collapse call that relaxation.

Clearly, relaxation needs to mean more than just running out of energy.

So help me out here. Do any of you have ways in which you relax and if so how can you tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain exhausted?

From the number of coworkers who come back from vacations exhausted and needing a week or more to rest up from that vacation, I am suspecting that most of us, when we say relaxed what we really mean is drop-down exhaustion.

What do you think? Relaxed or exhausted?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why do therapists stop seeing you if you aren’t getting better?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why would a counselor stop seeing you?

Sometimes the counselor will tell the client they need to stop seeing them because the client is not getting better. Why would they do that?

There is one major reason and a few smaller ones why this might happen. Honestly most of the time this does not happen. We, counselors, want to think we can help people and sometimes we go on seeing them past the point at which we should have noticed that the client is just not getting any better. But if your therapist does say they need to stop seeing you here are some possible reasons why.

Ethics tells us not to see people we can’t help.

It is considered unethical to keep seeing a client once you realize that you are not able to help them. Once the counselor realizes this, they first look at what they are doing, is there something else I could do to be helpful? Then they consider referring the client to someone else who might be able to do something differently.

Just a lack of progress on the client’s part does not mean the counselor is not being helpful. Sometimes the issues the client has may require help just to keep them stable. If the therapy sessions keep the client from getting worse and ending up in the hospital that may be a reason to continue therapy even if the client is not seeing their problems get smaller.

What would be unethical would be to keep seeing the client, taking their money or the insurance company’s money if the sessions were not helping the client.

A new problem emerges that needs special care.

Sometimes we start off seeing the client for one problem, say depression and during the process, the client starts talking about some other problem. Say the client now tells the counselor that they have a severe eating disorder they have never mentioned before.

Treating eating disorders is often considered a specialty. Not all counselors have the extra training needed to be able to help you with that. So they might need to refer you to an eating disorder specialist.

This should happen more often with clients who have a substance abuse issue. Unfortunately, some therapists are uncomfortable talking about substance use issues. They keep on working on the depression and ignore the substance use problem. The result is that the client fails to get better.

Sometimes the client wears the counselor out.

Some clients get stuck in an issue. They are angry or hurt because of something that happened in their past. What they might like to do is erase the event so it never happened. That or punish the person who harmed them.

The therapist wants to help them move on and get working on creating a new happy life. If the client is not ready to move on it can get tiring to listen to them. If the counselor runs out of steam in the listening department they should make the referral.

I do recommend to interns that if they start feeling this way they need to talk to the client about this. It is possible we professionals get impatient and try to end treatment just about the time the client is ready to make some changes.

Don’t ever stop just before the miracles happen.

If the counselor becomes impaired they shouldn’t see clients.

If the counselor gets sick, or they have a sick family member, then they can’t give helping you their full attention. Counselors who are going through a divorce or a custody battle may find they can’t give a client who reminds them of their ex their full attention.

Other professional impairments can include excessive or problematic use of substances, drug and alcohol abuse can be problems for counselors too.

You think you are not getting better but the counselor sees improvement.

Clients can start getting dependent on their therapist. Sometimes they look forward to the weekly session so much they can’t see how they can give it up. They feel they are not all better yet.

Counselors and insurance companies are not expecting you to be all better at the end of treatment. What is expected is that the symptoms will be reduced until they no longer interfere with your ability to work, have friends or family relationships.

If your symptoms seem stable, the counselor may decide that they can’t justify billing your insurance anymore and that means they need to terminate therapy with you or you will have to pay yourself.

Even in this circumstance counselors may need to revert back to point 1. When does the counselor’s seeing you become more for them, to make a profit, than for you?

Those are some of the reasons a counselor may say they have to stop seeing you, they may be others in particular cases. Hope that helps explain the process.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do counselors report rape?

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By David Joel Miller.

When might a counselor report a rape?

Do counselors report rape?
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

If the victim is an adult – counselors do not report rape. Rape is a crime. We do not report crimes unless there is a legal exception to confidentiality that requires us to report something. As far as I know, rape is not one of those crimes that get reported.

If the victim is an adult they should report it. We will try to help them, walk them through the process.

After seeing how rape and abuse survivors can be treated and the way reporting trauma can re-traumatize them, I can understand why they may not want their rape or abuse reported.

If the client is the perpetrator we do not report that either. It is up to the victim to report. What we should do is tell this client to stop doing that. They are ruining their lives and the life of their victim. That is if we even chose to continue to work with a rapist.

What if the victim is a child? You report the rape then, don’t you? No, not really. Not the way I understand my reporting responsibility. I do not report crimes. I do not report rape.

Wait a minute – the victim was a Child? What we do report is abuse. This is child sexual abuse. See the rape part is not what triggers the report. It is the abuse of someone with power and control over a weaker person that makes this reportable as abuse.

This sexual abuse does not need to be rape or intercourse. Depending on the laws of the jurisdiction all sorts of inappropriate sexual contact between an adult and a child might be reportable.

But the victim does not need to be a child to make this a reportable occurrence. If the victim is a senior citizen that is reportable in lots of places. Or if they are disabled, that abuse gets reported.

Financial abuse of the elderly, that gets reported most of the time. There are rules about when but remember it is the abuse, not the financial crime that is getting reported.

So while counselors do not report crimes, yes we do have a responsibility to protect those who can’t protect themselves by reporting abuse.

I am sure this will not be the last time a question about when a counselor will report something will turn up in the comments or my email.

The basic rule is – crimes – no report.

Abuse of a disabled person, senior citizen, or child – report.

A person intending to kill themselves or others – report.

At least that is the way things work here in California and most other places I know about. If in doubt consult a lawyer or ask your counselor about the way it works in your jurisdiction or situation.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Just because you can does not mean you should

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You shouldn’t do everything just because you can.

One place many of us get off track is to start thinking because something is possible, we should do it.

This problem is common in the two primary life problem areas, Romances and finances.

You meet someone and they seem to like you. You feel some attraction back. A relationship is possible. Many people end up in relationships for no more reason than that the other person is interested. We fall in love because we think the other person might like us.   Just because this relationship is possible does not mean it would be healthy to get involved.

Not every potential mate should be your child’s parent.

Many a person’s baby’s father or mother became a part of their and their children’s lives for no better reason than that relationship was possible. We pick partners because we can have this relationship not because you should.

Pick your baby’s other parent carefully. You can break up with your partner but baby’s fathers and mothers are forever.

Don’t take jobs and spend money just because.

It is easy to sabotage your finances or your work life for similar reasons reason.

Lots of people drift into their work lives in the same way. You don’t know what you want to do. You know you need a job so when something comes along, you take that job.  Maybe the job is low pay. Maybe the working conditions are terrible. So eventually we get fed up, maybe even quit.

Just because you can get a particular job does not mean you should take it.

Don’t misunderstand me. If you need money you need to work. So sometimes we have to take a job that is less than the perfect job dream we have in our head. But please do not stop there. Think in terms of the rest of your life. What kind of career do you want? Are you working towards that?

What about you’re spending? Do you buy things because you can?

Many people have trouble with compulsive, emotional spending. You see something and you want it. You have the money or maybe the room on your credit card. The pleasure of the immediate purchase exceeds the happiness you might have from having more money in the bank or fewer, smaller bills.

Some of us drift through life always in debt, owing on cards and loans, for no better reason than that we bought things because we could not because we should.

Do you drift through life doing things because you can or do you focus on the things that you should do or not do?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

Does US mean no more ME? Relationship strain.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple not talking

Unhappy relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can your relationship survive?

The client comes for counseling, sometimes it is a couple, sometimes they have already spit or divorced and the client comes alone. The complaints are remarkably similar.

In the beginning, this relationship was so perfect. We spent a lot of time together, couldn’t wait to be together, and then things started to change.

Starting a new relationship sets off a series of changes in everyone’s life. Some of these changes are enjoyable, falling in love is better than most drugs. But that new relationship also sets off stress. Those seeds of change planted at the start of the relationship become the weeds of disappointment later on.

In the process of creating an US, the couple finds themselves distancing from people who have been in their life before the relationship. Most of us have full lives, even when we say that there is something missing, like love, still to make room for the new partner something has to go.

The picture I get of this person entering a new relationship is sort of like my desk. It is full. No matter how much I clean it off more stuff appears and fills it up. So anytime I add a new thing, a book I want to read, something else I planned to look at gets covered up or if I push that new book onto the desk something falls off the other side.

Is your relationship overly full like that?

So to make room for that new love, you see less of old friends. Maybe your new partner doesn’t like some of your friends, so you stop seeing them. There may be conflicts between your partner’s interests and expectations and what your family expects. So you change a little and then your relationships with family and friends, those relationships change in response.

As the relationship progresses all sorts of conflicts arise. Where do you spend the holidays? Do you go to activates with your friends and family or your partners?  As your new love takes you away from your established relationship your family and friends may push back.

You may be expected for a holiday meal with one part of the extended family and another part is angry because they expected you. You can see how the conflicts mount up.

You may decide to adopt the customs of one person or the other or you may compromise. Either way life activities outside the relationship will change. You have to stop doing some things to make way for others.

Creating an US in your relationship.

At this stage, couples come to counseling for help in creating space for an US. They need help in setting boundaries with people outside the relationship. They may also need help setting boundaries within the relationship.

The resentments may accumulate. You have given up a lot to make this relationship work and now you wonder what happened to ME since we became US?

Not losing ME in your relationship.

He came home from work after a hard day and she wasn’t there, out with her girlfriends again. She used to call him about every little decision now she calls her mother and tells him what her mom said she should do.

He used to want to be with her all the time. Now he spends Friday night out with the guys. Soon Friday turns into 3 or 4 nights a week. He starts going to the gym or running every day.

The time they used to spend together each now wants time apart. Often one or the other partner thinks the other is having an affair, sometimes they are, but most of the time they just decide to go back to doing the things they did before they got into this relationship before WE and US started to obliterate the “ME.”

Rarely does a couple both start the US to Me change at the same time.

So as the process of reestablishing ME begins to take shape, The relationship undergoes a new strain, creating separateness within togetherness.

Relationship counselors have looked a lot at the progression of relationships. We are seeing that relationships and the people in them go through a series of changes. If one partner’s changes are out of step with the others then there can be problems in the relationship.

Sometimes that first embrace gets too tight and one person may push the other away.

This is a time to look at how the relationship is progressing not to think you picked the wrong person. Healthy relationships change over time.

There can be ME’s for both partners within the US. It takes time, understanding, and effort to create that space within the loving relationship.

Frequently the two of you become three or more and then the relationship stress mounts. Do you have to give up being that loving couple to be a family? Can there still be a ME and US and an ALL OF US?

Making it a Family.

Family can and do make these transitions. It helps if you know they are coming. If these inevitable relationship strains and changes are making you wonder if you made the right choice in the first place, consider relationship or family counseling.

All relationships continue to change and starting over with a new partner means going through these relationship changes all over again. Couples who are willing to work at navigating the changes that always come, end up navigating those changes together.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why you can’t make up your mind – Decisions.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Choice.

Choice.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why is hard to make up your mind when you have multiple choices?

Choosing when you have multiple options can be difficult for several reasons.

There are two basic methods for making decisions, logical and emotional. As we saw in a previous post about Intuition neither way of making your choices is infallible.

Most choices are not clear-cut, all good or all bad. So we have to weigh the choices and then find some way of evaluating the good and the bad of each choice. When we get all done many of us fall back on our default mode to make our decision.

Not all choices are equal, so a fixed set of decision-making rules does not always work even though some people and some institutions adopt a systematic procedure for making those decisions. Below are some examples of choices

A good choice vs. a bad choice.

Which do you want ice cream or a beating? Ice cream good, beating bad, take the ice cream. Anyone having trouble making that decision?

Good vs. good.

At the party do you want cake or ice cream? This is a matter of preference, may take longer to decide but either is OK. It might be better if you could have both but that was not an option offered.

Good with the bad vs. bad with the good.

Your friend is having a party with cake ice cream and some champagne. You just went on a diet to get in shape for that reunion and you are trying to give up drinking. See friend and go off your diet?

You promised your workout friend that you would join her today at the gym. Last time you made an appointment she did not show.  Go to the gym and work out to lose the weight but risk her standing you up again?

Now add more good and bad.

There is this cute guy from work that may be at the party, so might your ex.

There is this other cute guy that you met at the gym but your ex’s new girlfriend is now working there.

The more pros and cons we add the more difficult it becomes to make a decision.

Remember that whether you try to choose rationally or emotionally you run into problems making that decision.

Rationally you never have all the info you would need. Who will show up where? You can’t know ahead of time and if you attribute probabilities to these events that still does not solve the problem.

Which would be worse? Running into your ex or his new girlfriend or both of them together?

One common approach to solving this dilemma is to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle put the reasons for choosing one in one column and the reasons for choice two in column 2.

Not much help is it. Is the risk of getting ice cream instead of cake more or less important than the risk of seeing your ex or his new girlfriend? Not all reasons are equal. We get into some calculus to solve this equation.

Worst of all by the time you get all the info you need and get the math done, the party is over and the gym has closed.

Also, choice decisions do not always s include all the alternatives. Make sure that the best choice is not left off your list. Also as with the cake or ice cream example, sometimes our action as in asking for both can alter the options available.

One last decision problem – time.

A dollar today is not equal to a dollar a year from now. Neither is exercising or eating cake. You could go to a party now and then exercise next week. A few weeks of that and you will not need your gym membership. You also will not be in top shape for the class reunion and that was the reason for your exercise and get a healthy program in the first place.

Sometimes you need to trust your gut.

This impossibility of getting enough info and then assigning probabilities and so on is why much of the time we humans use intuition. Based on past experiences and the degree of your preference you will choose one way or the other and then have to live the consequences.

One last factor you need to consider is the importance of your goal. You might do something distasteful for money. Say your boss asked you to go to a function and make a speech and your ex might be there. Would you do it to please him? Would you do it for $1.00 how about $1,000,000? The bigger the rewards the more you might choose one option over the other.

But what about the size of the negatives? If one choice might alter your life forever in a bad way would that affect your decision?

So these kinds of choices are very personal and reflect not just the pros and the cons or the chances one thing or the other will work out, they also reflect your personal goals and values.

Your goals and values shape your choices.

To make better choices on difficult decisions you really need to get to know yourself, your goals, and your values. Then pick what is best for you.

Any comments from out there? Have you had to make a difficult choice and how did you finally go about deciding.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is the Drug of choice among the homeless?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Homeless person

Homeless.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

So which drug does the majority of the homeless use?

Being homeless is one problem. Most of the homeless have a whole raft of problems. It would be nice to think that if they just got a place to stay, move them into a shelter, then their problems would go away. It is more complicated than that. Drug use also plays a role. You may be surprised at the relationship between drugs and homelessness.

It is more complicated than that. Drug use also plays a role. You may be surprised at the relationship between drugs and homelessness.

Homelessness, mental illness, and drug use run in packs.

Among the homeless, there is a disproportionate number of the mentally ill. These are people with serious and persistent mental illness. By serious and persistent mentally ill, I do not mean that they are beyond hope and incapable of recovery. Many very seriously impaired people do recover. But being homeless and having a mental illness makes the road of recovery that much more difficult.

The question is “Do we as a society have the collective will to help them recover?” Can we create the path back to society that they need? I fear that as a society most of our efforts are to keep them out of sight rather than to welcome than back to society.

People who are mentally ill, homeless, or not, are more likely to do certain drugs. They use them to control or manage symptoms and the use to forget and to cope. The mentally ill use one drug in particular more than the rest of society.

Beyond mental illness, there are other problems for the homeless. Drug use yes that is one. I’ll get to that in a moment. They also have a host of medical problems. The mentally ill die significantly sooner than the people who are not symptomatic. Their most preferred drug shortens their lifespan dramatically.

Note that I did not say the non-mentally ill. (Or the normal, who knows what is normal?)

We know that there are many people with less severe emotional problems who when put under enough stress can show signs of a mental illness.

As I have said before, I do not get fearful working around someone with schizophrenia. What makes me really scared is the “normal” person who is served with divorce papers or has just found out their partner is cheating and then this enraged person shows up at a workplace with a gun.

These adjustment disorders, untreated are a lot scarier than the persistently mentally ill. But I digress.

The homeless, often with a mental illness, and being homeless can cause depression and anxiety in the most stable of people, they have severe medical issues. The only source of treatment for many is long waits in hospital ER’s, at a huge effort for them and a huge cost to society. Their drug of choice makes their medical issues more acute.

By drug, I do not mean prescribed medication. Most homeless have difficulty getting a prescription and if they do have one taking it consistently is unlikely.

The homeless and the mentally ill everywhere are more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrators. When they do have prescribed meds they are likely to get lost or stolen during the course of life on the street. Lots of things get lost or stolen when you are homeless.

So which drug is the drug of choice among the homeless?

Tobacco, nicotine is the drug of choice among the homeless, followed arguably by alcohol. They pick these drugs because they are cheap and readily available.

The numbers with respect to smoking are staggering.

Three of every four homeless smoke, you heard that right, 75% of the homeless smoke. Rates of smoking among those with psychosis are very high.

A homeless person is FOUR times more likely to smoke than someone who is not homeless. The homeless are dying from smoking-related illnesses at rates far above the rest of the population.

Helping the homeless with smoking cessation, alcohol abuse treatment, and treating the health-related problems these two legal drugs are creating might go a significant way towards helping the homeless on their path to recovery.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel