Category Archives: Relationships

Friends can be like jumper cables or emotional vampires.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Jumper cables

Energy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Friends either get you started or drain you of all your energy.

Are your friends helpful or do they drain your batteries?

Do your friends help you get going or do they hold you back? This thought, that a good friend is sort of like a set of jumper cables, came to me the other day when I discovered that in my haste to get to work and get going I had left the lights in my car on. By the time I noticed, the battery had gone dead.

Most of us have had this experience. Some people carry jumper cables in order to be prepared. The cables, of course, are not the only thing you need. You need someone with a good battery to help give you a jump.

Not only do you need a willing person to help you jump-start your car but their battery and charging system needs to be strong enough to run their car and start yours.

Trying to find someone who not only had jumper cables but was willing to give me a jump got me thinking. At this point, it occurred to me how much like a jump-start our friends can be.

Some people do nothing but drain you. No matter what sort of help you go to them for, they need you to do something in return or do something before they can help you. The experience of going looking for help is so draining that you leave thinking that you are now in worse shape than when you started.

Some people described these emotionally draining people as Emotional Vampires; they suck all the joy and pleasure out of your life. Asking them for help is like requesting an emotional bloodletting.

Many recovering people discover that those around them, the ones they call their support system are not very helpful. Some so-called friends want you to fail. Others have so little energy left that they drain you rather than recharging you.

Friends should be someone we are close to and we can trust emotionally. Too many of the people, we call friends are in fact acquaintances. People we have to be around because we run into them often, but who are not especially dependable or close.

One of the dictionary definitions of a friend is an “ally or someone who is not an enemy.” From a lot of people’s descriptions of their friends, it is hard to tell the allies from the enemies. Does your friend encourage you to live well and happily? Or is that person in a friend disguise telling you to go ahead and stay in your addiction or disease? Do they build you up and encourage you to move forward or are they telling you that it is someone else’s fault and there is nothing you can do in life?

Does that person encourage you to be a victim or a survivor?

There are those people in our lives that brighten our day anytime we see them. We all need more of those kinds of friends. Happy positive friends are out there but they can be hard to find especially if you don’t look in the right places.

Clients tell me they can’t trust those around them. They have trust issues. Their friends are unreliable. How did you meet them, I ask?

The most common answers I get are in bars, dope houses, a friend of a person they met in jail, and so on. If you look in hospitals you will find sick people. If you want to improve your support system and have friends who energize you then look in places where people are trying to improve themselves.

The word friendship includes not only being on good terms but also giving mutual assistance, approval, and support. That is something we all can use, support in times of struggle. A full dose of approval will go a long way also.

In looking for this supportive friend be sure that the relationship is mutual. Good friends get tired of you if every time they see you, you have your hand out for something. This works in two directions. People who are only your friends for what they can get out of you are abusers, not friends.

Look for people who are full of enthusiasm and love life. People who want to spread recovery and not those who want to stay in their disease.

This does not mean you should avoid other recovering people. Far from it. If you have a mental illness, look for those who have overcome their emotional problems. They have something to share with you. Those who use their diagnosis as an excuse to stop trying will drain your battery. Those who have recovered or are well along in their recovery can help energize you.

What kind of friends do you have? Are they the kind that energizes you or the ones that drain your batteries?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is this thing we call friendship? Being and having friends

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Friendship.

Friendship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Hard to define, easy to know when you have it, this thing called friendship.

Reflecting today on this thing we call friendship that means so many different things to each of us. Today on this day we call a “day off” I had the chance to read some of the posts by other bloggers. A recurrent theme was about friendships, what they mean, and how we know if we are a good friend or if we have one.

No relationship is so important, so needed and so misunderstood as friendship. When we have friends we may wonder if they are worth the effort, but when we are without them even briefly we wish they were here.

Friends are not here on earth like a prepaid credit card to use when we need them. There are those people who treat or mistreat others in the name of friendship by constantly asking from them and then being unwilling to reciprocate.

Friendship is of course not ever fully reciprocal. The more you struggle in life the more you need friends. What is reciprocal is the caring about each other, not the doing for each other.

Anyone who seeks out a friend for what they can do for you is being short-sighted and probably abusive. The things friends do give us are intangibles that can’t be measured in money or acts. A friend cares about you when you can’t care about yourself. They love you, sometimes because of, not in spite of, your flaws.

True friends do not keep ledgers. Friendship is not a trade. They do not do 3 things for you because you did 3 things for them. Friendship is about caring sometimes even when you can’t do anything for that friend except care.

Friendships usually start around shared experiences and time spent together. We go to school together and we become friends. We work together and we become friends. We may have church friends, club friends, or blogger friends.

Real friendship grows beyond those shared activities. Many of us have been blessed to have friends with whom we keep up relationships long after the time to share an activity has ended. People in their senior years tell me about friends they have had since kindergarten. Somehow these friendships survive years of separation punctuated only by an occasional greeting card or email.

Some couples describe their mates as their best friends. The best romantic relationships often include two people who were friends first. Some couples even fall out of love but not out of friendship.

There is nothing lonelier than a person without friends. Family, you are stuck with but friends you chose and they chose you.

Life is a journey. We move along in time as well as space. Along that route, we meet friends. Some friends are with us for only part of the journey and others, their path crosses ours repeatedly throughout our lifetime.

To have friends it has been said, we must first be a friend. Being that friend takes effort. It means investing in that relationship.

If you have friends you know how very important and necessary they are. If you have few or no friends you most likely already know what is missing. What you may not know is how to go about making those friends.

Approach each new person as a potential new friend until they prove otherwise. Treasure those friends you have and nurture those friendships. Keep those friendships safe in the warmth of your heart.

Put your hand out in welcome and see who responds.

To have many friends you must befriend many.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you a Mind Reader?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fortuneteller.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How good are you at reading minds?

I see a lot of mind readers and would be mind readers every day. I also see a lot of people in relationships that seem to believe their partner should be able to read their minds. These folks think they know what other people are thinking. These are amateur mind readers or spouses of amateur mind readers.

We are not talking here about the professional mind readers. The ones who study nonverbal communication and can tell about your feelings from your behavior. Professionals use intuition, that mix of gut felt-sense and small clues, which let them read the person in front of them. They couple that with some standard lines, some stage presence, and a lot of luck and skill.

Amateur mind readers are neither skilled not willing to practice reading others. They just assume that they know what everyone else thinks about them. They are sure that no one likes them; everyone is talking about them and that the world is out to get them.

These would-be mind readers also believe that everyone else can, or should be able to, read their minds. They love to say. You know what I mean – without further explanation. If questioned they are indignant that you don’t know what they mean and will tell you that you should know how your speech and actions will affect them.

Mind readers are also quick to tell you that if they have to explain something to you then you wouldn’t get it anyway. There are also surprised at how often people just don’t get them. Their thinking goes that since you should know what they want and how what you say and do is affecting them, you must be doing things deliberately to hurt them.

Mind readers make serious efforts to guilt people into behavior. When that effort to guilt you into knowing their wants and needs fails to work, they are quick to tell you that if they have to explain it then you wouldn’t be able to get it anyway. You, of course, know what I mean?

Mind reading, the belief that we know what others are thinking about us, is one of those “cognitive distortions” that result in maladaptive or irrational thoughts. As we have seen in previous posts (see – Are they laughing at you) if you believe that others do not like you or disapprove of you, and you look for evidence of that, you just might find it.

These mind-reading problems result in a lot of couple’s relationship problems. One partner believes that the way the other acts or something they say “means” that they don’t like you, don’t want to be with you, and so on.

Occasionally these beliefs turn out to be correct not because of this current situation but cumulatively a person’s behavior and statements can give you that gut feeling we call intuition.

One thing that amateur mind readers fail to do is directly check out this belief about why others are saying and doing the things they do with the person involved. Getting couples to talk to each other and really hear what the other partner is saying and feeling, is a large part of couples counseling.

Despite what most mind readers believe, most partners have no idea what the other partner is talking about a good part of the time. They are often not attaching the same meanings to the words they say. (See post on Denotative and Connotative meanings of words.)

Continuing to act as if the person has the feelings and motives you have assigned to them creates actions that can bring this to reality. Remember when we talked about how thinking you are sick can actually make you sick? (The Nocebo effect) The same thing happens in relationships if you practice this amateur mind-reading.

Your partner walks in the door, there is a disgusted look on their face. You realize that there are some things in the living room that you did not get picked up. You KNOW that they are thinking that you are a slob, they hate you and they wished they had never married you.

Your response to this partner’s look of disgust is to start to cry followed by a loud outburst. “I hate you.” Men skip the crying part and just storm out of the room.

The key problem with mind reading is that we decide what the other person is thinking without getting information from them. We also make the mistake of thinking that what others think and do is somehow about us. Often the others in our lives are preoccupied with their own problems and issues.

That partner of yours, they may have had a really bad day at work. Something went wrong and they are thoroughly disgusted with a coworker. They came home expecting to tell you the story. They were expecting some support from you. But your mind-reading, your belief that everything the partner does is about you, has resulted in your statement “I hate you.”

Mind readers need to learn to check out these thoughts and beliefs at a calm rational time. We also need to stop thinking that everything others do is somehow about us and that others are responsible to do and not do things that might upset us.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Model for unconditional love – your pet

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dog and cat playing

True friends.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

What your pet can teach you about love.

Lovers and partners may come and go, a faithful pet is always there. Pets hear our tales of love lost and wait patiently for a pat on the head or a bowl of food. There is something about the way we love and are loved by our pets that transcends the turmoil of human existence.

Love from another human can be so conditional. Parents love their children when they are good, partners when they get what they want, but that dog or cat by your feet, they go on loving you in good times and bad.

Pets are role models for the way we should love because they love unconditionally. Notwithstanding an occasional poorly behaved pet, most of the creatures that share our lives continue to love us in sickness and health for richer or poorer even after the humans who had promised to do so have come and gone.

Pets are remarkably adaptable and accepting. They adjust to living in mansions and keeping company with their homeless human companions. They never threaten to stop loving us if they do not get a designer food or a certain toy that all the neighbor pets have. They patiently, or not so patiently, wait by the door for our return each and every time we leave.

There are of course great differences in the way pets show their affection for their humans. I have had the good fortune to share my life with more creatures than most. In my early years, I had several dogs as family members. Calling them family members may seem strange to some of you, but they deserved that designation, having been more reliable in their friendship than most of my human friends and family members from those days.

In recent years several cats have agreed to share my home and life. The switch from dogs to cats was quite accidental. A cat somehow finagled her way into the family and gained first the acceptance of the family dog and then later my acceptance.

While the cats and dogs have certainly had different personalities, each and every dog or cat had some particular characteristics that made them unique. For the sake of brevity here I will leave out other creatures, though many other species also exhibit a fondness for their human family members.

Occasional a non-human family member has been poorly behaved, torn something up or used an inappropriate place for a bathroom. But all in all, pets have been consistently more dependable and affectionate than many a human acquaintance.

There were some studies, way back when, which showed that having a pet in your life reduced loneliness and improved mental health.

One of life’s great tragedies is that our pets can be torn from us way too soon. Many a child’s first loss is a beloved pet.  How that child responds to that event can set up a pattern of dealing with loss for the rest of their life. For many, the first time death touches us is when a beloved pet passes away.

Not all losses of pets come by way of death. My first experience was a cross-country move when my childhood dog was left behind. So were my friends.

I know that some of these losses are unavoidable, sometimes we move into a living situation where our pet family members are not welcome. Divorces can sheer away the family pet along with a parent, a school, and friends. Like all losses in life sometimes they need to happen. But we shouldn’t minimize the pain the child feels.

If you open your heart to a pet and let them love you, they stay with you forever in the places of your mind where you remember happy things. If only we could hold lost human relationships in that same place.

That person you loved and had children with, may not be in your life now, but there was something that led you to make a child with them. If only we could hold that memory of our child’s parent fast, separate it from the ex we are now rid of, we might find some of that unconditional love that our pets display.

The cruelest loss of all for many a person is when we reach old age. Partners are lost, along with friends. Children may move away or connections with family are lost. The one thing that remains is their pet. That pet may be a way to maintain a memory of their lost partner or children.

Unknowing or uncaring people have separated that senior from the last creature that regularly shows them affection. More enlightened agencies and providers sometimes see the benefits of keeping that person connected to the emotional benefits that come from sharing your life with an animal.

If only humans could love as constantly and unconditionally as our animal companions do then the world would be a better place.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Valentine’s Day and the search for love

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Feeling of love

Looking for love.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Today is the official day to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

There is some dispute about how Saint Valentine and the idea of love got connected in the first place. The most reasonable explanation appears to be that Chaucer noted that on Saint Valentine’s Day, falling in the spring as it does, the doves were commencing to mate. His poem connected that matting with the idea of romantic love and we have been chasing that connection ever since.

Eric Fromm in The Art of Loving made note that there is no other human activity that is so regularly begun with great hopes and expectations and yet so often fails. He also tells us that we take the intensity of this new infatuation as a reflection of our intensity of love when it is only a reflection of our previous loneliness.

No, I don’t mean to disparage those of you who have or are about to fall in love on or about this annual springtime holiday. Undeniably, there is no other human emotion that is so exciting, so rewarding, or as crazy-making as falling in love.

There have been those couples who have spent their entire lives together in a great love. What many of those couples will tell us is that those initial feelings of romance and attraction were not enough to sustain the relationship and that staying in love is a much greater task than falling in love in the first place.

Having one significant person in your life, most often a primary love and sexual partner has a profound influence on your mental health. A seriously mentally ill person who has that one person, they perceive as loving, living in the home with them is half as likely to end up in a psychiatric hospital. Love has its advantages.

If only love lasted. If only it had a slightly better shelf life.

With more marriages ending in divorce than those staying together these days, it is easy to be cynical about marriage. I fear the out of love spouse who has just found out their partner has been cheating more than the paranoid schizophrenic. Especially if that jilted lover has a gun.

Living together without marrying is even less secure. Unmarried couples are more likely to dissolve the relationship than married ones, particularly within the first year after the birth of a child. Something about not sleeping while being up all night to care for a sick child and the resulting irritability takes the bloom off any flowering love.

There is also an incredible disconnect between those wonderful romantic things that couples say about each other in that first bloom of love and the hurtful things they say about each other in mediation and family court appearances when the relationship comes unraveled.

Most of the time that person we fall in love with is less real than the cartoon characters on the Saturday morning show. We see in this other the reflection of what we want and need and we project back who we think we need to be in order to have them love us. The masks do not come off until the crying child and the stress of earning a living deter us from keeping up pretenses.

Beware listening to that siren sound that tells you, if you could just find that one person who has the things you lack, that person who could complete you, then you two will live happily ever after. Two partial people are not able to create a whole relationship.

Recognize on this day devoted to another love quest that no one will be able to love you more than you love yourself and if you feel empty and incomplete alone you will feel equally lacking when you are with someone.

Those people who like themselves and feel good alone have something to give to another. Two complete and happy people have a chance that two wounded and suffering people never will. If you want a happy relationship, get happy first and get relationshiped second.

Having said all this about caution in the matters of love, I know what is about to transpire. The days are getting warmer. The flowers are blooming. The birds are falling in love and mating and the hormones in we humans are on the rise.

Let the illogical falling in love begin.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

.

That’s not what I meant – Words can interfere with communication – Denotative and connotative meanings

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By David Joel Miller MS Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dictionary

Looking it up in the dictionary won’t help.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why what you thought I meant and what I meant to say get so far apart.

Even when we talk with someone in the same language and we think we should both know what the other one is talking about, we can walk away shaking our heads about how far apart our understandings are of the conversation.

These misunderstandings often get attributed to other people lying to us. It is not unusual for two people both engaged in an argument to accuse each other of lying. To the outside observer, it sounds like they are talking about two unrelated topics.

One cause of these disagreements is the different meanings we ascribe to the words we use. The things we say begin as thoughts in our heads. We can make a strong argument that thoughts are largely mental words or self-talk. Those thoughts are strongly influenced by our feelings before they leave our bodies via speech and action.

Words are symbolic and there is not a direct one to one correlation between thoughts and words. We can and often do disagree about what word best describes a thing or a feeling. Then our thoughts need to be transferred into words sent to the other person and then decoded. There is plenty of room for error in this process.

Consider the common two-finger gesture. Sometimes this is interpreted as a “peace sign” and other times as the sign for victory. Words frequently have multiple meanings.

Four discrepancies in the way we attach meanings to words can result in garbled communication even when we think we are being clear and that we understand what the other person is saying. Those four communication traps are the differences between “denotative” meanings and “connotative” meanings, personal idiosyncratic meanings, and slang.

What slang words mean.

Slang words require both people using them to attach the same meaning to the expression. They change over time and vary between subcultures.

Consider the word “hot.” To a weatherman, it could mean an above-average temperature or a day in the hundreds. To the scientist, this may be a statement about the amount of energy the item contains. To someone else, this may mean something that is new, in fashion, or desirable.

So the person in the shop points to an item on the table and says “that new part is really hot.” The apprentice quickly picks it up and then screams in pain. He expected this new part to be something novel that he might want. His coworker was warning him about the item’s temperature and potential to harm. See how using a word in multiple ways can obscure communication?

Denotative meanings.

Denotative meaning is what the dictionary says the word means. Look up most words in a dictionary and you will find that there are multiple definitions for the same word. Check many dictionaries and you get alternative meanings.

Most of us have learned a large number of words from hearing others use them in speech. We haven’t looked up every word and while we can feel pretty sure we know what we mean when we say the word we can’t be sure someone else has the same meaning in mind.

If I were to say that someone had been staring at the moon too long – what might you think I meant? That they are in love from too much time in the moonlight? That they had gone crazy as in becoming a “lunatic.” Or do we mean that they and their friends have been exposing their naked rear-ends a lot? It would make a lot of difference in our conversation.

What is a connotative meaning?

Connotation is when a meaning is implied or attached to something in addition to its basic denotative meaning. For a long time, black has been attached to bad, evil, or another negative opinion. If I describe someone’s character as black, it makes a lot of difference whether I am talking about someone from the African-American community who exemplifies what an African-American should be or if I were describing a Caucasian who is doing some evil things.

Idiosyncratic meanings.

Sometimes words develop a specific meaning for a person or group of people because of a particular experience.

Say a man came from a family that had a dog when he was a young child. For whatever reason he had difficulty saying the word dog and used its name, Spot to called the pet. From then on all dogs became “Spot.”  To this day if someone uses the word spot in a conversation this family will laugh and think of that dog. This has resulted in some embarrassing moments at the dry cleaners.

Other people might hear the word spot and think of a place they had visited, a stain on the carpet or an ad on T. V. The online dictionary I use listed 21 meanings for the word spot.

So when we consider that words can have so many different meanings, is it any wonder that we can have a conversation, think we have conveyed some meaning and then later find that what we said was totally misconstrued.

The real wonder is that with all this confusion we are able to communicate at all.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Did your goldfish die? About relationships

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Goldfish.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do goldfish and potted plants say about your relationship?

For people in recovery, relationships are a source of huge problems. Early in recovery, we discover that those relationships can be either an important source of support or a cause of pain and suffering.

One area that pops up on inventories, goals, and to-do lists is to create better relationships. People come to think that if they only had that one person that loved them they would be healed.

The result is a lot of people jumping into new relationships way before they are ready.

We can also start trying to fix relationships that have been strained or broken only to find that those first clumsy efforts to repair breaches have resulted in new arguments and slights that leave further wreckage in our lives.

Women in recovery are often urged to take the simple plant, pet test. Men would benefit from taking this test also.
Begin your recovery by getting a simple plant. A flowering houseplant is nice. Pick anything that you like and which fits your lifestyle. Spend some time looking around and selecting your plant. Most of us have selected life partners with less thought and consideration than we take on our plants.

For the next 6 months carefully tend your plant. Is it growing well? Does it need more light and water? Or does it need less water? Too much or too little of a lot of things can cause damage to plants and to relationships.

At the end of the six months grade yourself on plant care. Have you developed a caregiving relationship with your plant? Has the plant thrived? Have you?

If you have been successful at growing your plant then you are ready to move to stage two.

It is amazing how many people who can’t keep a plant alive jump into a sexual relationship and produce a child at a time when they don’t have the strength to care for a plant. This exercise is not just about gardening skills, it is about your ability to consistently day by day show concern and care for something outside yourself.

The next step in the process is to get a pet. This gets riskier. A goldfish is a good place to start. This involves more research. Most of us think we know all about taking care of goldfish but most of our fish die. Learn a little about what makes for a healthy goldfish and what their needs are.

You want to learn how to select a healthy one. Moving fish around can result in some not making it. Too much food or too little can make your fish sick. You may have to try this several times before you get one that likes the place you are keeping them and is healthy enough to be a part of your life.

By now I hope you are getting that this is not all about goldfish. What we are practicing is the skills needed to create healthy relationships. You will need to learn about any potential relationship partner. You will need to learn how to pick a healthy one. You will also learn that lots of things look better in the store window than they do after you get them home.

If your goldfish dies you may be sad or even cry but only you and the goldfish will be affected. If you “hook up” with someone there will be you and them but there will also be their family and yours mixing with you and your family and friends. If this relationship fails you can’t just flush it in the bathroom.

If you have been successful in raising your goldfish or other small pet for at least 6 months you are ready for the next big step. No, don’t rush out and start a family. If your living situation permits get a larger more demanding pet. A kitten or small shelter puppy make good next steps in this process. If where you live does not permit these types of animals, consider a small bird or other, more complicated small animal.

Now you have to balance your needs, do you feel like caring for your “family” today? Can you continue to meet the needs of your menagerie? Your dog or cat needs care every day whether you feel like it or not. You also have to consider the interaction between your previous household members and your new addition.

Does the cat try to get the goldfish? Do you need to move the fishbowl up high? How safe is the plant? Juggling all three creatures’ needs prepares you for juggling conflicts between other family members as your recovery progresses.

This creating a blended family is an important skill for those in recovery from a mental illness or a substance abuse issue. Once you enter a more adult romantic relationship there will always be conflicts between past relationships and the new one. Navigating blended families with step, half, and ex-relationships can put a lot of stress on you and on your new relationship.
This whole process will take about two years.

This step method of practicing relationship skills is not original with me. It has been used and recommended in recovery groups as far back as I know. It has largely been recommended to women who are at an especially high risk of rapidly entering a new relationship. This risk is especially high if you have children and need a partner to help with the financial and caregiving tasks.

In this new modern era, more men than ever are becoming the primary caregiver for their children and they especially need to be good caregivers not expect the replacement partner to take the primary responsibility for children from past relationships.

Some people become frustrated along the way and toss that plant against the wall. Some people forget to feed the fish for a while and the goldfish dies, or they overfeed the fish, pollute the water. and the fish dies from that. This gives you an opportunity to practice your recovery skills. I would rather you toss a plant at the wall then a child.

This discussion assumes that you are not currently in a romantic relationship and many recovering people are either not in one or not in a healthy relationship. If you are in a relationship or are coming home from the hospital or rehab to some children you already have you can modify this as needed.

The emphasis here is on your learning skills to have healthy relationships rather than thinking that if you just fell in love with someone else then your life and your problems will be fixed.
Any comments?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why the therapist doesn’t care about your problems- unit of treatment

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does it feel like the therapist only cares about the other person?

Sometimes you go for therapy, with a person you think of as “your therapist” only to find they don’t really want to talk about you or your problems. They are only interested in your family member’s problems. What is going on here?

One problem for therapists is defining the “unit of treatment.” A good therapist will try to explain this to you at the beginning, but sometimes they don’t, and sometimes in the crisis of the moment you don’t get the details. Let me explain a couple of situations where this may be occurring.

When one member of the family has been seeing a counselor and now they want the counselor to help them with their relationship with another family member. Let’s say the client is a twenty-something woman and she has conflicts with her mother.

Mom gets invited to the next session. Mom wants to talk about how difficult it is getting along with her daughter and how she had to raise the daughter all by herself and now mom’s depression has been interfering with her life. Mom would like more respect and caring from her daughter.

The therapist does not want to hear about mom’s history of problems with depression, her hard life, and all the times the daughter disrespected her mother. The therapist wants to talk about their last fight and how mom could better support her daughter by being more understanding of the daughter’s mental health problems. What has gone wrong here?

The therapist is the DAUGHTERS therapist.

The unit of treatment is the DAUGHTER. They are not going to spend time on mom’s problems. If mom needs therapy then she needs to get her own therapist.

In this situation, Mom is a guest in the daughter’s therapy session. This can sometimes be referred to as a collateral session. A collateral session is all about how the guest can help the identified patient. If you ever get this kind of invite you should ask some questions. Is this for both of you to work out problems or are you only there so that the other party can tell you why you hurt them and they are expected you to do something to help them?

As a guest, you do not get confidentiality. You are not the therapist’s client and if you disclose that time you did something wrong you may get reported even if this is not a mandated reportable situation. Also if the daughter has told the therapist about things she has done in the past to the mother, like steal her money and forge her signature, the therapist can’t break confidentiality and tell mom.

Another situation that causes a lot of confusion is when a person is being seen for individual therapy and then asks their partner to join this. Say the woman above now wants to do some sessions with her husband.

Is this a request to stop individual therapy and begin couples therapy? Or is this an effort to bring the partner in to learn how to be more supportive and helpful to the wife?

This is an awful situation for a lot of men. They have talked with me in individual sessions repeatedly about how they went to a session with the wife and felt bushwhacked. The therapist, sometimes with a very feminist point of view, spent the session telling the husband how it was his fault, that all women are oppressed by their husbands and he is to blame for their marital problems.

Now any good marriage therapist knows or should know, that taking sides is likely to make the conflict between the partner’s worse and is not going to help the relationship. We should always be neutral. But if you have spent months listening to a client tell you all the awful things their spouse does to them, it is very tempting to turn this into a “heart to heart talk” by creating a safe place for your client to tell their spouse off.

This kind of session usually ends up in a blowout argument and possible violence or an end to the relationship. Counselors who do this sort of work should warn their clients to come in separate cars because after beating up on one of the partners there is no way that person is likely to give in say it was all my fault and go home to do as told.

If you go to a session with your partner’s therapist and this is not to begin couples therapy, expect it to be ALL about them and not you. A few therapists can handle this well and help the couple or family work some things out, but just who is here for treatment should be clarified at the start of the session.

The last example I will give is the parent, usually mom, who takes the child for therapy. They expect the therapist to help them cope with raising this defiant, belligerent child. What happens is that the session becomes all about how mom can be a better more nurturing parent and what the developmental needs of the child are at this age. She is instructed to spend more time reading to her child, help him with his homework, and make sure to walk him to and from school to increase his sense of security. The sessions are all about the child.

Never mind that mom does not sleep nights because of the nightmares from the abusive violent relationship or that dad is away in prison for what he did to mom and child. Mom also wants help with how she as a single parent is supposed to work two jobs to support her kids and still do all this with the identified patient child. As much as she loves this child and knows he needs her attention she has three others who also need attention. What has gone wrong here?

The unit of treatment is the child, not the family.

Mom gets only the help that relates to her ability to help her son. Now sometimes the therapist will shift the focus and start helping mom. The risk then is that the therapist will side with mom and spend the sessions beating up on the child, telling him he is a bad person and that everything is his fault. A good therapist will balance all these needs and help the whole family but this is a difficult task.

There are a whole lot more issues around children in therapy we need to look at. Can they consent, do they get confidentiality, and if so how much? Can an 8-year-old really consent to treatment? Is telling him he is the bad child an institutionalized form of child abuse?  And do we sometimes abuse the parent to make the child feel better? This post is running long and I need to leave those issues for other posts.

My conclusion is that there are good therapists who do a great job and not so good therapists who don’t do a good job of juggling these issues. Any time more than one person walks into a consulting room there are conflicts about whom we are helping and how we should be with the others.

Have you ever been to a therapist who just didn’t seem to care about your problems?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Making friends by calling them names.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Friendship

Friendship
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does criticizing people get them to like you?

There seems to be a widely held belief that the way to get people to like and respect you is to criticize them and tell them what they are doing wrong.

Intuitively most people understand that if upon meeting someone for the first time, you began to upbraid them, called them names, and told them how worthless they are, this would not be likely to lead to having a large number of friends. We know this but we often do it anyway.

You would expect that each of us would be striving to treat ourselves well and yet we frequently call ourselves names that we would never, ever, dare call a friend.

Ever call yourself “stupid’ or “dumb?” Think for a moment about saying that to a friend. Not once, when they made an unusually poor choice, but consistently day after day. We wouldn’t do that to a friend, but most of us, most of the time, repeatedly call ourselves names.

The danger of calling yourself names is that you will start believing what you tell yourself.

Pictures of cute little puppies and little children inspire us to want to help. They can inspire us to kindness. It is easy to be kind to others. Most of us are afraid to be kind to ourselves.

Why is compassion reserved for other, unrelated people?

Somewhere we got the idea that it was acceptable to be kind to others but if we were to be nice or kind to ourselves then we would spoil ourselves and thereafter be worthless. So year after year we continue to beat ourselves up for one thing after another.

People, who truly spoil themselves, in a bad way, are not those who are kind and compassionate to themselves. The worst sort of spoilage occurs when we tell ourselves we are no good, worthless, or useless and then use that self-description as an excuse for behaving badly.

If you tell yourself you are a slob and then stop trying to clean up your living space because after all you are a slob and no one should expect a slob to clean. If you say you are stupid and then use that belief as an excuse to never attempt anything, expecting your family or society to take care of you. You are using your self-criticism to excuse poor behavior.

Some people tell themselves they are addicts, and what do you expect from an addict? Why of course I relapsed and used drugs again, I am an addict. But if you begin to tell yourself that I USED to be an addict, look at the possibilities that opens up.

One form of therapy is called “narrative therapy.” The way I understand this is that we tell ourselves and others stories, not untrue stories, just stories, and then as we tell them more and more we begin to believe our own fiction. So if you tell yourself you are dumb or worthless you become less and less able to accomplish anything.

People who say “I am an angry person,” stay angry and convince themselves they can’t change. If we can get them to start saying I USED to be an angry person, but I am changing, then amazingly they change.

Do you believe that the only way to get anybody to do things is to beat them? We find that this is a poor way to motivate either ourselves or others. Yet many people continue to beat themselves up, verbally, day after day.

One thing we tell parents as part of the basic parenting class is to catch their children doing something right. Small amounts of praise, judiciously used are great motivators. If the only way your children get your attention is to misbehave, they will misbehave for attention.

The parent who does nothing but criticizes their child finds that the child may give up. Consider the child who wants badly to please their parent; they study very hard for a big test. When the results come out the child has achieved a score of 99 out of 100 possible points.

What does this parent say? Why did you miss that one? You knew that! The result is that the child stops trying, convinced that no matter how hard they tried they will never be good enough.

Years later we find that person and many others still trying to motivate themselves by telling themselves that how they are is not good enough.

The risk here is that rather than motivate yourself to try harder, you will convince yourself that you are a failure and stop trying.

Ultimately you may become the person you say you are.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What if your loved one refuses treatment?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Helpless person

Helpless.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you do when they get mad at you for suggesting they get help?

It is not unusual for people with a serious mental illness to refuse treatment. They don’t want to admit they need help, they are embarrassed or they don’t think that anything can help them. Sometimes people don’t want to give up their problems even when others around them see the need for them to change.

People with Bipolar Disorder may be especially resistant to getting treatment. They like the way the mania or hypomania makes them feel. When they slip into depression they may be more receptive but the second the depression lifts and the mania returns they are prone to stop taking their meds. This is very difficult for those around them.

People with a drug or alcohol problem are also resistant to change. They like the mood change their chemical friend creates and are unlikely to think the problem is the drug. They will blame others, make excuses, and offer plenty of reasons why they don’t have a problem. The harder you press them to change the angrier they will get.

Other additions, gambling, sex, and pornography are also more likely to be seen as a problem by those around the addict. So what does the family member do?

Unless the person with the addiction or the mental illness wants to change there is little those around them can do to make them change. The ill person needs to decide that this issue is causing them a problem and for a very long time they will insist that the problem is all those other people around them who don’t understand them.

If the person with the problem does not want help I highly recommend that the family member who wants them to change needs to get counseling for themselves. Continuing to insist that someone change to make you happy make us wonder who the mentally ill person is.  Ask yourself a few questions.

If this person never changes one bit will I be happy in this relationship?

Most people who have a mental illness or an addiction will not change until they find that they can no longer go on acting the way they have been. As long as a family member or friend stays in their life, helping them out and caring for them, they are unlikely to admit they have a problem. If you love them you may have to let them go, only to find when they have lost everything and finally get into recovery they may want to be with someone new who has not been through all the pain with them.

Staying with them means you will need to be prepared for whatever ride you end up taking. They may get arrested, become violent; leave you for their addiction or another person. They may think, at least for a while, that you are the reason they drink, do drugs, or are “stressed out.”

Can I accept that this is just the way things are?

Some family members conclude that they would rather put up with an ill family member and stay in the relationship even if the ill person never goes for treatment. Others will conclude they can’t take living with an alcoholic, drug addict, or bipolar person who is unwilling to get help. The choice is not a black or white one; these life choices are very personal. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you stay around long enough and try hard enough your love will change them.

Consider also how far into this relationship are you?

If you have several children together that is one situation. If you have no children do you want to raise a child or children while the impaired person continues to act this way? Is it fair to put a child through this?

Too many people think they can change the partner, that a child will make the relationship better and that the other person will suddenly snap out of it and assume responsibilities when they have to. Occasionally that happens but not very often.

When the ill person will not come for therapy then the rest of the family needs to come to talk through their options and for help in coping with an ill family member.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel