Category Archives: Self Help

Should you vent? The dangers of venting

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Should you vent?
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do you need to vent?

Have you ever felt you just needed to vent?  Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think.

It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Keep in mind, there are a whole lot of problems that result from venting.

When people talk about “Venting” they are almost universally talking about expressing negative emotions. Even when people act out on supposed positive emotions there can be violence. Venting as a way to celebrate your team’s victory can end you up in jail if you act out.

When people talk about venting they are not talking about the slow letting off of pressure like when the teapot starts to whistle. Most people, when they vent look more like a stick of dynamite going off than a little steam from the teapot’s spout.

Here are some reasons that venting may make things worse rather than better.

Rehearsal for violence.

There was a time when we had couples in therapy hit each other with those sponge rubber bats and yell at each other to “get it out.” Some therapists discovered that after venting in therapy those same couples went home and then the next time they argued they started hitting each other for real, with solid bats.

Venting can increase your sensitivity to anger and violence. You are in effect practicing getting worked up and acting out.

Yelling, screaming, and jumping around does not serve to get a football team calmed down before a match, it gets them worked up and they go out there and become more aggressive. We will leave the issue of whether watching violence increases your propensity for violence alone for now. What is clear to me is that practicing aggression makes you more aggressive not less.

Venting increases your anger or other negative emotions.

Once you are extremely angry it is hard to control that anger. The most effective solution is to learn to not get upset in the first place. As hard as that sounds to do, once you get the idea that you can choose whether to get angry or not, avoiding anger is much more effective than venting once you get there.

The idea behind venting is that you are not in control of yourself, once you get angry you need to let it out and it is OK to subject others to your release of anger.

Anger management classes teach us that it is not what someone has done to us that creates our anger, it is our beliefs about that other person’s actions. Quite often the reason they did that thing which upset you was not the reason you think.

This does not imply you just need to take things. You have choices in your responses. The problem with venting is that we almost always go overboard and become excessively expressive of our anger.

The result is that after venting you end up regretting how far you went. You may even vent and then apologize. Once you have to apologize or get bailed out of jail, you have lost all the advantages of releasing that anger. You are now in a weaker and more helpless condition after venting than before.

Venting does not make you a stronger person. It leaves you making amends for the things you have done while venting.

Venting Damages relationships.

Even if you can vent and discharge those unpleasant emotions, that does not help the person you vented at. Often venting involves saying and doing things that may be hurtful to others. You vent, you feel better but the person you cussed out or hit may harbor a grudge forever.

Venting with a partner can damage a relationship beyond repair.

One reason venting is so attractive to so many people is the human tendency to store up complaints, sometimes called Gunny Sacking, and then let the other person have the whole load of our wrath all at once. This is an unhealthy way to deal with ongoing problems.

So before you let yourself vent consider other ways to handle those negative emotions or to prevent upsetting yourself in the first place.

Additional posts on this topic are under feelings and emotions, related topics are listed in the categories list to the right.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can’t find your inner child

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Inner child.
Picture courtesy of pixabay

Have you misplaced your inner child?

The idea of having an inner child, and inner child work, comes and goes. Somehow this idea strikes a responsive chord in people even though there is scientific proof that there really is no inner child in any of us.

By inner child, we do not mean that there is some little creature lurking in us waiting to be fed. That makes for great Sci-Fi movies but not much reality.

All your “parts” do not grow up at the same rate.

What we should be looking for are those developmental stages, those things you should have learned as you grew up that somehow you missed out on. Look also for those good qualities that you left behind in your efforts to be “all grown up.”

Memories can be feeling instead of facts.

Not all our memories are filed neatly away in our heads. Some of those memories are emotional ones and those are kept throughout our bodies.

We know if you act in certain ways you are more likely to have certain feelings. Get a group of people together and have them laugh for no good reason and before long you will all be feeling happy.

So where do these phantom memories, those emotional pains from long ago, come from if not from some theoretical inner child.

Your inner child did not get everything right.

One way of explaining this inner child legend is that many adult problems are the result of things that we learned between the ages of say 5 and 15 that may have worked then but do not work now.

What if the things that you learned emotionally in 3rd grade about the opposite sex or about yourself turn out to not be true?

The person who is repeatedly told they are fat, despite looking perfectly normal, even a little thin, is likely to grow up thinking they are fat and to repeatedly try to diet and lose weight. If you learned the untruth that you were fat as a child you may develop a truly terrible adult eating disorder.

Unfinished business.

Some counselors call this unfinished business, those experiences of pain, sadness acceptance, and rejection that we learned in childhood, but are not able to work out as we transition into adult beings.

One danger in doing too much of the so-called “Inner child work.” Is that the more you go over a lesson of something you got wrong, the more firmly entrenched that wrong answer becomes embedded in your brain.

If you keep telling yourself “I am stupid” because as a child people repeatedly called you stupid or fat head, you may develop a personal story in which you continue to tell yourself that you are stupid. And as we all know stupid is as stupid does.

Pay attention to your self-talk.

For good or bad our brains believe what we repeatedly tell them. So if you tell yourself you can’t, you will not be able to. If you tell yourself you can, you very likely will be able to do so, as every little child learned from that little engine.

Be careful what you tell your brain you will be able to do. If you tell yourself you will fly make sure you head for the airport not jump off a roof and leave the gravity-defying to hard flapping of your arms.

If you sometimes find yourself crying like a little child for no apparent reason. If you have very immature feelings at times, don’t pay for a cat scan to find your inner child. Instead, go back and look at the things you should have learned at each developmental stage and then if there were emotional lessons you did not learn, work on them.

Did you outgrow fun?

One other thing that people mean when they say they have inner child work to do is that they had some characteristics when they were young and they have lost them along the way.

If life used to be fun and it isn’t anymore. If you used to be more creative and you have lost that skill, then get in touch, not with the behaviors of the little child, but the emotions and the ways of seeing.

Practice a child-like mindset.

Try looking at everything in life as if this was the first time you had seen it. Begin each day with that curiosity you once had and you will find that everything will look new and fresh again.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Recovery is getting your mind back

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Brain

Getting your mind back.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

“Recovery for me was I got my mind back”

A client told me that once. It made a lot of sense.

One thing that happens along the way to recovery, whether you are struggling with depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other problem, is that your mind stops being on your side. It seems like your mind can go over to the other side.

You can’t do anything, your mind says. You need another drink, it tells you. And when you try to think about what you should do, your mind just doesn’t want to work.

Losing your mind.

“Lost their mind” used to be a shorthand expression for someone with either a mental illness or a substance use problem. Even their best efforts to think their way out of this problem did not seem to work.

It is not just that your thinking slows down. If you are depressed, or drunk, lots of things that you would never believe otherwise start seeming true. Get depressed enough or high enough and you might start hearing and seeing things no one else is. That should convince you that your mind is lost somewhere.

Recovery is getting your hope back.

When you are in your problem, you might also start thinking that there is no need to try anymore. Why keep trying if you are gonna be like this forever. When your mind goes so does your hope, follows right along.

In twelve-step groups, you hear the expression “my best thinking got me here” by which they mean that they had told themselves all sorts of reasons why it was OK to go on drinking and using despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

Symptoms of anxiety, depression, and a bunch of other emotional disorders include the inability to get your mind to do the tasks you ask of it. Confusion, indecision, and inability to make decisions are all signs that your problem has become a disorder.

Depression makes you confused and indecisive, so do drugs.

As you move into recovery you find your thinking changing, slowly at first, almost imperceptibly. Often others see the changes in you before you do.

The longer you are in recovery the more you find that your thinking will improve. It is as if there was a fog inside your brain and the mists begin to clear.

If you feel like you have lost your mind, get into recovery. Do the work on yourself. Accept the help that is offered and look for the recovery tools that you need.

Getting your mind back is one of the miracles of recovery.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Creating self-healing rituals

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Love

Love better by loving yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What ritual can you create to chase away your depression or anxiety?

Rituals have both symbolic and literal meanings. The customary, usual, routine of things can make you feel more relaxed, calm, and reassured.

Many people who struggle with emotional, mental, or behavioral issues find that creating their own personal rituals can be helpful in keeping them grounded and on the path to recovery.

We talked before about recovery tools, those practices, or rituals that you might do with others or as part of your religious or spiritual practice. It can also be helpful to have very personal rituals that help keep you on the right path.

Make your morning coffee mean more than a jolt of caffeine before the rat race.

Tea ceremonies, I am told, include not just the drinking of the beverage but the process of selecting, arranging, and preparing your beverage. You can create a coffee ceremony for yourself if you chose.

For more American types, you coffee drinkers, consider getting yourself special blends, a fancy cup or mug, and reserving a time to sit and enjoy that morning beverage while you contemplate your life and your recovery.

Some people find it helpful to reserve that time for sitting outside and watching the weather or early morning creatures. I like to sit and watch the birds and squirrels outside my writing window.

Prepare a special food.

Cooking, even on a limited budget can be a ritual in which you go to extra efforts to make your meal special and appetizing. Add that little garnish. Spend time shopping for special healthy treats. Try out new recipes. You deserve to be pampered by someone who cares about you and your health. Become that person and care for yourself.

Do a relaxing form of exercise.

Walk, stretch or practice your yoga postures. Do these things slowly and calmly, not in the pain-to-gain system, but in a mindful thoughtful way. Make a part of your daily ritual a reaffirmation of your worth and the efforts you are making to care for yourself.

Listen to relaxing music.

Find music that relaxes you. Try out new listening experiences. Be your own companion on this musical journey. Music has a powerful influence on the moods of humans. Use that mood impact to your advantage.

Have a date with yourself.

Most of us spend the majority of our time with others. We can find it difficult to just be with ourselves. Consider taking yourself out to dinner, go to a movie, or do something you have always wanted to do.

Of course, if you have a special friend or romantic partner in your life you may want to share some of these adventures with them. Just make sure it is a shared adventure, not a giving up of you for there to be an “US.”

If you are single or separate just now, enjoy that space and work on becoming your own best friend.

By learning to create special rituals for yourself, things that say “I care about me and what the best for me,” you can make your recovery something exceptional and affirm that you are special and deserve to be treated well.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Relaxed or tired?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tired or relaxed?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Can you tell the difference between relaxed and tired – most can’t.

Ever taken a vacation and come back more tired than before you left? Most of us have. Some of us are so used to pushing to accomplish things that a day off is a scary event. Stop running for even a moment and suddenly you realize how tired you are.

We live our life at such a frantic pace it can be a shock to our system to finally slow down.

Lots of people say they would like to be able to relax but when that opportunity finally occurs all they can report is that they are really tired.

This happened to me recently, or more precisely I finally recognized it was happening.

I mentioned a while back that I had taken up Yoga. Not in some fanatical religious conversion way, but just trying to do something structured that might help my flexibility and let me exercise without having to stay out in the heat or the rain. Being able to pick up things I drop on the floor and touch my toes again would be a plus.

Now our particular yoga class ends each session with a guided meditation. How common it is to do this I can’t say. Every yoga group I have ever attended has done it this way. But I can’t be all that confident with any conclusion drawn from a sample size of one.

What I have noticed is that by the end of the class, having attempted some postures, I am either so tired or so relaxed that I can’t remember much of what was said during the guided meditation.

This has caused me to wonder if I really can tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain tired.

Seems that I run from thing to thing so rapidly that I never have a chance to rest. When I finally do relax what I discover is the extent of my exhaustion.

This has led me to wonder if I or many of you are really ever able to relax. Or do we just run ourselves to the point of exhaustion and then when we stop to collapse call that relaxation.

Clearly, relaxation needs to mean more than just running out of energy.

So help me out here. Do any of you have ways in which you relax and if so how can you tell the difference between being relaxed and just plain exhausted?

From the number of coworkers who come back from vacations exhausted and needing a week or more to rest up from that vacation, I am suspecting that most of us, when we say relaxed what we really mean is drop-down exhaustion.

What do you think? Relaxed or exhausted?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Just because you can does not mean you should

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You shouldn’t do everything just because you can.

One place many of us get off track is to start thinking because something is possible, we should do it.

This problem is common in the two primary life problem areas, Romances and finances.

You meet someone and they seem to like you. You feel some attraction back. A relationship is possible. Many people end up in relationships for no more reason than that the other person is interested. We fall in love because we think the other person might like us.   Just because this relationship is possible does not mean it would be healthy to get involved.

Not every potential mate should be your child’s parent.

Many a person’s baby’s father or mother became a part of their and their children’s lives for no better reason than that relationship was possible. We pick partners because we can have this relationship not because you should.

Pick your baby’s other parent carefully. You can break up with your partner but baby’s fathers and mothers are forever.

Don’t take jobs and spend money just because.

It is easy to sabotage your finances or your work life for similar reasons reason.

Lots of people drift into their work lives in the same way. You don’t know what you want to do. You know you need a job so when something comes along, you take that job.  Maybe the job is low pay. Maybe the working conditions are terrible. So eventually we get fed up, maybe even quit.

Just because you can get a particular job does not mean you should take it.

Don’t misunderstand me. If you need money you need to work. So sometimes we have to take a job that is less than the perfect job dream we have in our head. But please do not stop there. Think in terms of the rest of your life. What kind of career do you want? Are you working towards that?

What about you’re spending? Do you buy things because you can?

Many people have trouble with compulsive, emotional spending. You see something and you want it. You have the money or maybe the room on your credit card. The pleasure of the immediate purchase exceeds the happiness you might have from having more money in the bank or fewer, smaller bills.

Some of us drift through life always in debt, owing on cards and loans, for no better reason than that we bought things because we could not because we should.

Do you drift through life doing things because you can or do you focus on the things that you should do or not do?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

Without a dream life’s a nightmare

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dreams and Nightmares

Dreams and Nightmares
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Dreams.

We start off life with all sorts of hopes and dreams, somewhere along the way we lose track of those dreams. The way of life becomes dark and gloomy.

If you don’t have a dream, a hope for the future, your life becomes empty and you feel hollow. Somewhere or other your hopes and dreams turn into the nightmares of adult life.

When life is a nightmare.

Finding your way from the nightmares back to the land of dreams, that is the work of recovery. The dreams you are looking for are not the fantasies of childhood but the solid dreams an adult should have of what can be and what they can become.

Rebuilding hope and recreating dreams is what makes a life worth the effort to live it. If you get nothing else from your recovery program then fully engage in the search for hope, the recreating of dreams.

My own philosophy of counseling is that I am a guide along the path towards that happy life we all need and deserve. I share the things I have learned from taking this walk we call life and I am blessed to be able to learn from others the lessons they have learned.

Sometimes in this journey, we have to walk through some very dark and scary places. We may struggle with monsters or demons. But always keep your eye on the light shining off on that distant horizon.

A colleague of mine recently described it very succinctly. You may have to walk through the valley of the shadows of death, don’t stop and camp there.

While you are walking through your daily struggles, do not get defeated by the dark shadows and the nightmares. Keep your eye on the bright spots.

What makes this journey of life with all the efforts that are required, something worthwhile is the dreams we create, the ones we are able to hold onto, and the companions with whom we share the journey.

Can you see your dreams on up ahead? What are you moving towards? What lessons have you learned about how to overcome the nightmares and make life worth the effort to keep trudging onward?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Fighting Boredom – finding things to do

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is your life boring?

We can all slip into this rut from time to time. Day after day we do the same things. They stop being exciting, they stop being fun. Relationships can get too predictable and then the magic goes out of them. We begin to be bored.

Some people try to cure boredom by taking big risks or making drastic changes. You don’t need to do drugs, get a divorce, or run off to join the circus to put the fun back in your life.

Kids are likely to experience boredom.

Teens and tweens are especially prone to this boredom syndrome. Someday as grownups they will wish they had some downtime, some rest, and relax time. But now they will tell you that they are bored, that there is nothing to do in this town.

It is not just parents in small towns that hear these complaints. One reason they ring true and are so hard for parents to dispute is that we adults can get into some awfully boring routines after a few years of living.

So parents if your kids are saying they are bored, show, don’t tell, them how to shake that feeling. Start by looking at your life and if you are boring, try changing that first.

One quick way to change feelings is by changing habits. Here are a few simple ideas. I have confidence in you readers and look forward to some suggestions from all of you of things you have done or are doing to shake the boredom and start living again.

Artistic types need this a lot. We get in ruts and need to break into new patterns. So do people with very conventional lives. You, accountants, know you need a little excitement also.

Go a different way to work.

Altering paths forces you to look at different scenery. These new sights stimulate you and hopefully your imagination.

Try a new destination.

Change the store you shop at, go to a different library, or a new mall. Many cities have old towns or artist areas, check these out. They are not places you would normally shop but you will see new things and get the thinking and the imagination going again.

Cook or eat a new food.

We have an obesity epidemic. Average life spans are declining and much of this is the result of food being too available. Much of that instant gratification food is unhealthy.

Now is a good time to try your hand at cooking something new, something healthy, or just something you have never tried before. You have to eat anyway. Why eat boring when you can make food an adventure.

Healthy food may be an even bigger adventure because it takes thought and effort and results in a feeling of accomplishment when you get it done.

Meet a new person.

Not suggesting you take up living in singles bars. What are the activates you could get involved in that might bring you into contact with other like-minded locals?

School activates, church or temple, volunteer organizations, or any civic event can lead to making new friends. New friends are energizing and a great cure for the boredom blues.

Has someone ever helped a child do something?

How did that make you feel? Did you feel bad because the kid suckered you into helping them? Not really.

Try finding others you can help so you can feel good.

Also if you are in recovery, get a sponsor and let them feel good about helping you. Needing helps sometimes does not keep you out of the helping crowd.

Make a list and check things off.

Make lists of things you want to do someday, that proverbial bucket list or just things closer to home. Do you have projects that you have been meaning to get to ever since you moved into that house? They still are not done?

Would it surprise you to find that lots of people retire or sell the house and move away with all those projects never done?

If you start doing things around the house or in your own area, you will have some time to enjoy the results of those projects.

What would a tourist to your hometown do?

Many people have never been to a museum or seen the local tourist attractions unless a friend or family member came to town to visit and you had to take them around on a tour. Give yourself that tour.

Get moving, get doing, and see how your boredom runs away.

Now if you try to get into action and you find you can’t, that nothing is fun anymore, then you may have a clinical loss of pleasure. That is a symptom of depression in one of its flavors.

If you find you have depression or persistent sadness or whatever you chose to call it, consider getting professional help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Think your pain away, why meds may not be enough

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Coping with pain.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

If being mentally healthy will reduce your physical pain why is it a last resort?

Prescription drug use in America is at an all-time high. So is the abuse of prescription drugs. With more and stronger medications always being introduced why do so many Americans report chronic pain?

Doctors will prescribe all sorts of medication, sometimes even surgery, but when all else fails they will often refer the patient to counseling or a mindfulness class. Why is working on your thinking a last resort?

We know if you think about your pain, really concentrate on what is ailing you the pain grows in importance. It may even take over your life. This effect is true for both mental and physical pain.

Some simple mental techniques have been repeatedly shown to reduce the impact of pain and lessen the disability caused by those pains.

We know that those old pain involved expressions carry a lot of truth.

You are a pain in the neck – People who fit that description makes us feel sore in the neck region.

You make me sick – People who are disagreeable can affect our sleep and digestion.

We know from personal experience that dysfunctional interpersonal relationships can cause real physical pain. Learning to change or accept things in our life can go a long way towards managing our pain, both physical and mental.

Has there ever been a time when you were in serious pain and then something fun, a happy event occurred? For that brief time, you discover that you forget about your pain. Watching a funny program can reduce the feelings of sadness that are plaguing us.

In an earlier post, I wrote about “Don’t think about Elephants.” The process of trying not to think about a thing actually can make that item harder to forget. We find that rather than trying to not think about the pain, the pain in the back, or the pain in the heart, we need to focus on things that are helpful and positive.

Hospitals with chronic pain clinics have found that classes in exercise, yoga especially, mindfulness, and other calming techniques can reduce pain for patients who had found no relief via the medication or surgery approaches.

Yoga and mindfulness are not some metaphysical hocus-pocus. As it was explained to me mindfulness is nothing more than paying attention to what you are doing. Make sure that you are walking when you walk instead of brooding about your troubles.

And yoga? What about that? One instructor told me that yoga is just exercising while breathing. If you didn’t focus on improving your breathing, yoga would just be another type of calisthenics.

Something as simple as walking each day can have a significant effect on depression.

Learning to breathe, relax, and clear your mind, can be especially helpful in reducing the stress and tension in the body.

So consider including some work on your thinking and your body as part of any pain management program. As always talk with your doctor before making any sudden changes but let that doctor know you are open to some counseling or exercise if that might help control your pain.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why you can’t make up your mind – Decisions.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Choice.

Choice.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why is hard to make up your mind when you have multiple choices?

Choosing when you have multiple options can be difficult for several reasons.

There are two basic methods for making decisions, logical and emotional. As we saw in a previous post about Intuition neither way of making your choices is infallible.

Most choices are not clear-cut, all good or all bad. So we have to weigh the choices and then find some way of evaluating the good and the bad of each choice. When we get all done many of us fall back on our default mode to make our decision.

Not all choices are equal, so a fixed set of decision-making rules does not always work even though some people and some institutions adopt a systematic procedure for making those decisions. Below are some examples of choices

A good choice vs. a bad choice.

Which do you want ice cream or a beating? Ice cream good, beating bad, take the ice cream. Anyone having trouble making that decision?

Good vs. good.

At the party do you want cake or ice cream? This is a matter of preference, may take longer to decide but either is OK. It might be better if you could have both but that was not an option offered.

Good with the bad vs. bad with the good.

Your friend is having a party with cake ice cream and some champagne. You just went on a diet to get in shape for that reunion and you are trying to give up drinking. See friend and go off your diet?

You promised your workout friend that you would join her today at the gym. Last time you made an appointment she did not show.  Go to the gym and work out to lose the weight but risk her standing you up again?

Now add more good and bad.

There is this cute guy from work that may be at the party, so might your ex.

There is this other cute guy that you met at the gym but your ex’s new girlfriend is now working there.

The more pros and cons we add the more difficult it becomes to make a decision.

Remember that whether you try to choose rationally or emotionally you run into problems making that decision.

Rationally you never have all the info you would need. Who will show up where? You can’t know ahead of time and if you attribute probabilities to these events that still does not solve the problem.

Which would be worse? Running into your ex or his new girlfriend or both of them together?

One common approach to solving this dilemma is to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle put the reasons for choosing one in one column and the reasons for choice two in column 2.

Not much help is it. Is the risk of getting ice cream instead of cake more or less important than the risk of seeing your ex or his new girlfriend? Not all reasons are equal. We get into some calculus to solve this equation.

Worst of all by the time you get all the info you need and get the math done, the party is over and the gym has closed.

Also, choice decisions do not always s include all the alternatives. Make sure that the best choice is not left off your list. Also as with the cake or ice cream example, sometimes our action as in asking for both can alter the options available.

One last decision problem – time.

A dollar today is not equal to a dollar a year from now. Neither is exercising or eating cake. You could go to a party now and then exercise next week. A few weeks of that and you will not need your gym membership. You also will not be in top shape for the class reunion and that was the reason for your exercise and get a healthy program in the first place.

Sometimes you need to trust your gut.

This impossibility of getting enough info and then assigning probabilities and so on is why much of the time we humans use intuition. Based on past experiences and the degree of your preference you will choose one way or the other and then have to live the consequences.

One last factor you need to consider is the importance of your goal. You might do something distasteful for money. Say your boss asked you to go to a function and make a speech and your ex might be there. Would you do it to please him? Would you do it for $1.00 how about $1,000,000? The bigger the rewards the more you might choose one option over the other.

But what about the size of the negatives? If one choice might alter your life forever in a bad way would that affect your decision?

So these kinds of choices are very personal and reflect not just the pros and the cons or the chances one thing or the other will work out, they also reflect your personal goals and values.

Your goals and values shape your choices.

To make better choices on difficult decisions you really need to get to know yourself, your goals, and your values. Then pick what is best for you.

Any comments from out there? Have you had to make a difficult choice and how did you finally go about deciding.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel