Category Archives: Emotions and Feelings

Guilt and Shame

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12

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Guilty

Guilt.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Shame and guilt can cause a lot of problems.

Some authors see these two feelings as interchangeable but others draw a distinction between the two feelings. Learning to know the differences can be important if you are a recovering person. One of these feelings can move you forward and the other can keep you stuck in a prison from the past.

The dictionary definitions of shame and guilt are of course quite different.

Guilt is defined as to be aware you had done wrong or to take the responsibility for doing wrong. This can be a healthy emotion. If you genuinely feel guilty the solution is clear, do not do it again.

Guilt can be protective if it prevents you from doing or continuing to do something that is wrong. The emphasis here is on the action, not the person. The legal system uses this word in the sense that someone has done an act that is forbidden or has failed to do something that was required. The person is then guilty of a specific illegal act.

Some people try to use guilt to manipulate others into doing things they want them to do. We hear the expression “guilt-trip” to describe this effort. As in “I can’t believe you wouldn’t want to spend Sunday with your parents.” The effort here is to get people to do what you want by trying to make them feel guilty if they don’t comply with your request.

Shame is about the person, not the act.

Shame, to my way of thinking, is a lot more destructive than guilt. It is also harder to get loose from.

Some dictionary definitions of Shame include things like, shame is a negative emotion. It includes feelings of dishonor, unworthiness, and embarrassment. People who experience shame feel disgraced or dishonored.

The focus of shame is on the person, not the act.

Families may try to get compliance with their wishes by shaming a person, telling them that because they have not lived up to the shamer’s expectations, they are worthless or inherently defective.

While many parents may use shame with their children occasionally, some families are “shame-based” and everyone tries to shame everyone else on a regular basis.

The parent in a functional family might say something like “you did not tell me the truth and that makes me disappointed in you.” The child then can feel guilty about lying but believe they are capable of telling the truth. The shaming parent will tell the child “you are such a liar, I should have known not to believe anything you said.”

With guilt, you have the opportunity to remedy the situation. You stop doing wrong or start doing right. With shame, there is no cure for being a “defective” person.  There is always that nagging fear you are being judged and will not measure up.

Being raised in a shame-based family can result in the child maturing into an adult who is helpless and hopeless. Being taught that who you are is shameful can leave permanent emotional scars.

Believing that you are inherently shameful results in adults that hide their inner selves from significant others. They fear that if their partner ever finds out who they truly are they will be rejected or abandoned. It becomes necessary to avoid revealing yourself to others. They can be profoundly lonely in the midst of family and friends.

People who see themselves as shameful are often shy, withdrawn, and excessively introverted.

Middleton-Moz in her book Shame and Guilt describes people who grew up in shame-based homes as avoiding intimacy and believing that they don’t make mistakes, they are mistakes.

They, like Adult Children of Alcoholics, (see Woititz, 1990) believe they need to be better than others to be any good. Absolute perfection is the goal or nothing at all. The result is fluctuating between being super responsible and super irresponsible.

Those who feel the heavy burden of shame are often defensive and unable to take criticism. They need to blame others in order to feel good about themselves. They may deny responsibility while apologizing profusely.

They may be over-responsible people taking on the responsibilities of others and becoming a parent to their parent. Paretified children are common in most forms of dysfunctional families.

As adults children of dysfunction, they never fit in and feel like they do not belong no matter where they go. They are at high risk to become alcoholics, addicts, or engage in some other compulsive behavior as ways to try to make themselves feel acceptable.

If you have guilt over something you did in the past, clean up the wreckage where you can let it go and move on to do better.

If you came from a shame-based background the sooner you toss that shame and move on the better. If you need help in getting past that burden of shame consider working with a counselor or other helping person.

Letting go of shame is one step on the road to a happy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to turn anxiety into paranoia

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3

By David Joel Miller.

Grim Reaper

Paranoia.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Some days it is a short trip from anxiety to paranoia.

The higher the volume is turned up on your anxiety control the greater the risk that this could lead to paranoia.

Some caveats here. In this context, I am not talking about one of the paranoia’s that are currently diagnosable as a mental illness. Most people say Paranoid-schizophrenia as if it was all one word. There are lots of people with schizophrenia that are not paranoid. There are also people who suffer from paranoid personality disorder who do not have schizophrenia.

This discussion is about people without those two diagnosable illnesses who have some feeling that looks like paranoia during the course of another illness or even without meeting the criteria for a diagnosis. In other words, this is about the dictionary definition of paranoia not the DSM definition of a paranoid mental illness.

Yes, in my opinion, you can have paranoid thoughts and not have a mental illness with the word paranoia in it.

One definition of Paranoia is an unfounded, exaggerated, or unreasonable distrust of others not based on facts. This is fear-based and makes you question other’s motives.

Here is how a case of paranoia might begin.

You are very fearful, sensitive, and worried about what others think of you. You have “trust issues” and are not sure if people are really your friends or might want to harm you.

People who have been victimized in the past are especially at risk for these kinds of trust issues and for good reason. They have been harmed by someone in the past and may feel that they were too trusting.

One day this anxious person, let’s call her Annid. This is one of those made-up names contracted from her mother’s name Ann and her father’s name, David. I don’t know an Annid or an Ann and David combination so I think I am safe here.

One day Annid is walking down the street and she hears footsteps behind her. She walks faster but the footsteps are still there. She looks over her shoulder and there is someone there. Let’s make this person a man. She is afraid of men because she was attacked by a man in an alley. This would be even worse if the man who attacked her was a member of a particular race and the man behind her was the same race.

At the corner, she decides to cross the street to get away from this man. She notices out of the corner of her eye he stops at the corner to talk to another man. She is becoming more anxious.

When the light changes the second man turns and follows her across the street. She walks faster but every time she looks back there is a man back there. She is not sure if this is either of the two men she saw before but there is always one behind her.

Eventually, she ducks into a coffee place and has some coffee. She decides to wait a bit to get rid of those men who are following her. But when she leaves the coffee place there across the street are 5 or 6, men all standing together and one of them looks like that man who was following her. Same sports team shirt and everything.

At this point, convinced she is being followed by a gang of men she ducks back into the coffee place and calls a friend who comes to pick her up and take her home.

Unchecked this fear that men are following her can grow until she is unable to leave the house.

One problem for this woman is that no matter where in this town she may walk there may be a man walking behind her.

Is this an irrational fear? Maybe, maybe not. Having been the victim of an assault once there is proof that a man could assault her. Is this fear excessive? Probably. The chances that every man on the street is following her and plans to assault her are very low, most of the time.

The challenge for this person and other people with paranoid symptoms is to reasonably evaluate the situation, assess for danger, and still keep this fear of another assault from keeping her a prisoner in her home.

Now so far in this example, I have said that Annid has a history of being a victim. What if she has never been victimized?

She might have had a friend who was assaulted or heard a story on T. V. about assaults in her town. If she had a preexisting anxiety disorder even if nothing had ever happened to her she might keep looking over her shoulder believing that constant vigilance will keep her safe. And if you keep looking for something you will begin to see it.

See how easy it is to turn fear in your mind into a belief that there is a real danger. We have even had cases where someone believes they were in danger pulled out a gun and shot a person who just happened to be going in the same direction they were. Family members have killed other family members in the mistaken belief that there was an intruder in the house.

High levels of fear can create a situation in which everything becomes scary.

If you have anxiety issues or feel threatened and unsafe, consider getting professional assistance both in determining if this is a real threat and in learning to manage your anxiety or other issues before that emotional problem turns you into a paranoid person.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Learning to feel

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8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What am I feeling?

Feelings are strange creatures. We are walking along minding our own business and then out of nowhere comes this thing, this sensation and like an attack of diarrhea, we have an episode of feeling.

So before we can even really begin our exploration of feelings we need to establish a habit of paying attention to those times we are having feelings. The expert effect tells us that if you study something you begin to see more of it. If you have ever gone shopping for a truck, suddenly you will see trucks everywhere you go. Same thing with feelings. Look for them and they are everywhere.

There are those people who just don’t feel anything most of the time. This often comes from having been through a serious trauma or having been abused. These people describe their predominant feeling state as “numb.” They may even self-injure or take extra risks in an effort to feel like those they think have feelings. This numbing out appears to be related to dissociation. Even those who are frequently numb can benefit from a careful search for feelings.

So turns out that for most of us, feelings are all around us every day, but if we are not used to looking for them we don’t see them until one of them trips us up.

Mindfulness can be a big help here. Get in the habit of sitting for a few minutes and just observing what is going on with you. You should at this point be working on becoming the world’s expert on you and learning to identify those feeling inside you will help with this.

Some people find that when they try to practice mindfulness or meditation they are overwhelmed with sad or negative feelings. If you have this issue you may need help from a “feelings guide.”  If feelings are overwhelming, a good counselor or therapist can help. In a later post, we will need to talk more about this issue of experiencing intense pain when you try to practice meditation.

The word “Feelings” comes from words that describe the sense of touch. So we feel things with our skin and nerves. The term has become more generally a word to describe all emotional experiences. This makes sense as one definition for emotions is “strong feeling” so the emphasis in working with and experiencing feelings should be on what your body sensations are rather than what your thoughts about that feeling are.

We do find that our thoughts or beliefs are powerful filters that can alter our perceptions of events and affect our feelings.

So a good place to start in looking for feelings is with sensations in our body. That professor who kept asking me about feelings, I talked about him in a previous post; he kept asking us “where in the body is that feeling.”

We use a lot of physical descriptions to help us interpret emotions. People are “a pain in the neck” or we tell someone “you make me sick to my stomach.” This alerts us that if we are feeling a pain in the neck or sick to our stomach we may need to look for a feeling hiding there rather than a physical ailment or injury.

Way too often we humans confuse emotions with physical problems. There is a good reason for that, emotions are real sensations that occur in our nervous system. The problem is not with the feeling but with our inability to make use of the information these feelings are providing.

The first step in this effort to find, recognize, and tame feelings is simply to be aware that yes, often we are having feelings whether we can name them or not.

Remember the moment during the most recent presidential inauguration when President Obama stopped to take in the crowd on the capital mall? He was pausing to let that moment soak into his mind so that he could hold on to it for the rest of his life.

So often we race past those pleasant feelings and don’t allow time to recognize them. The result is that we are left with a life where we remember the negative emotions clearly but the happy ones are lost in the fog.

Take time to stop and recognize the feelings in your life. The good ones hold on tight to them. The negative emotions, learn the lessons they are trying to teach you, and then learn to reduce your suffering. You may need to feel the pain but you do not have to stay stuck in suffering.

Over the next few days make a conscious effort to feel whatever it is that you are feeling and consider what it is that emotion is trying to teach you.

Any thoughts about feelings or emotions?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

February is Feelings Month

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1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How many feelings can you identify?

For so many of us these things we call feelings are inconveniences we wish we could avoid. Feelings fall somewhere between gas that erupts suddenly and inconveniently when we least expect it and those predictable morning feelings that now is the time to visit the toilet.

What we fail to recognize is that each and every feeling has a meaning and a purpose. These biochemical reactions to things are built into our makeup and they have served a purpose throughout mankind’s existence. Some of these purposes we would rather not think about and others – well we wish we could spend our lives exploring that feeling that sex or chocolate gives us.

One of the things counselors spend a good deal of time working on with clients is the proper relationships we should have with feelings. An excess of negative feelings is the principle reason people go to their therapist. A shortage of positive feelings would be another good reason to do some feelings work.

Happiness is not simply an absence of negative feelings. Contentment does not arise from being in a place of feelings neutral. Failing to cultivate happiness and other positive feelings can quickly take us back to a place of anxiety, depression, or pain and suffering.

Learning to spot feelings, identify them, and help clients explore them is a significant part of a counselor’s training. Don’t let your therapist fool you; most of us had just as many difficulties with feelings as the rest of you, we just devoted a lot of time and study to the subject.

At one point in graduate school, I began to despair of ever having the answers my professor was seeking to my understanding of feelings. I just was not sure about those feelings things, I had come from a family that was so good we didn’t even have feelings, or so I thought. As a result, recognizing and identifying feelings was a task for me.

I was running groups in a substance abuse facility at the time so I took that list of feelings the professor was asking me about and typed up some lists of ten feelings each. Each group that week got a list and we talked about those feelings.

Most groups got so spirited that we never finished the list. What I did find was the group and I both knew a whole lot more about the feelings than we realized. The negative feelings were easier to describe and work with than the positive ones but in every group, there was someone who had experienced each and every feeling on my list.

Importantly we discovered that each and every feeling had its reason for existing and its role to play in human experience.

So I am again going to ask for help with feelings.

This month, February Feelings Month, I am going to start discussions about various feelings, express my thoughts, maybe describe some research on that particular feeling and then ask for your help.

So those of you, who have had feelings, know someone who has feelings or has some general knowledge of the whole feelings mystery – could you help me out here and contribute some thoughts on feelings and the role they play in your life?

To the right, you should see a list of topics from past posts. Please check out some of those posts and feel free to comment.

Most of these are about specific disorders or mental health terminology. None of them are comprehensive as a description of any one disorder could fill multiple books and no two people with a disorder will experience it in exactly the same way. My hope is that my thoughts may be helpful to some of you.

February will not be exclusively about feelings; we need a little variety so some other topics will come up. There are some holidays this month, major and minor holidays. I will comment on a couple of those. Notice how all those other topics may connect with your feelings. I suspect all of you will have feelings about some of the posts.

You have those feelings for a reason and one of our tasks is to learn what those feelings are telling us.

Past Feelings Posts

How do the mentally ill feel?

How many feelings do you feel?

How to be happy

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Would a Genie help? Happiness by magic

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2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happiness by magic wand.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Magic is about to happen.

In this quest for a happy life, it is easy to get confused, lost, and turned around. Sometimes we stumble over an obstacle or two or even end up in a deep hole. We lose sight of where we are going and get stuck in just getting by each day. The solution to our problems may be just around the other side of that big rock over there or behind any tree but if you are tired and discouraged, then it is hard to keep going.

Time for the Genie

Genies are magical creatures that can clap their hands, wave a wand, and change things instantly. Wands used to be exclusively for use by fairies but that was back when fairies were predominantly heterosexual. These days Genies have taken up using magic wands. Wands appear to work regardless of your sexual preference.

So imagine with me that you have just encountered a Genie carrying his magic wand. Because you and you alone have seen him he grants you 3 magic wishes. You must use them now or lose them. There are no “do-overs” and wishing for more wishes is not allowed.

What would you want?

This magic wish question is helpful in discovering our real desires. Not the things we say we want or the things we know we are supposed to want, but what do you really want?

I have asked this question of people young and old, on crisis psychiatric units and in residential treatment. The answers I get are amazing.

Some children list things – lots of things, that new video game and a better smartphone and – and –and. Other kids say things like “I wish my parents didn’t fight.” They want a safe place to live or food to eat. They are wishing for the things that are the necessities of life in my book.

So what three wishes do you have for this Genie?

Write those wishes down. Pull out the list of values you made earlier. If you are just joining us we made a list of values, things that really matter to us earlier. You can look back at that post if you chose.

Make sure these wishes are consistent with your values. Now keep that list of wishes. Take it out on a regular basis and see if you are any closer to these goals. Be forewarned that just accomplishing a goal will not make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. But you will never move forward if you don’t have a clear vision of where you want to go.

An example of progress towards happiness may help.

Let’s say that your values were that you wanted to have a better relationship with your kids. Your religious and spiritual values are really important to you. Right now you are stressed out from work and overcome with bills. That financial and job stress is making you so upset that you can’t really be present when you are with your kids. You find that when you are around them you are short-tempered and grouchy. So two of your wishes to the Genie were; that you had a less stressful job and that your bills were paid off.

Now you need to have a conversation with the Genie.

He could eliminate the job stress by getting you fired. No job, no stress – is that what you want?  Or he could give you some magic herbs that reduce stress. Careful here, lots of people opt for the herbs. You say herbs; the Genie has done his work and is gone. Now, what happens when the herbs run out? Lots of people reach for drugs or medications to relieve stress and discover they have become dependent on them. We call that addiction.

He could solve the bill stress. Get you evicted, no home, no more water, and power, or rent bills. Is that what you had in mind?

What else could the Genie do for you? Maybe he teaches yoga and meditation part-time. He could teach you relaxation techniques. Or he might also moonlight as a CBT therapist and teach you how to avoid “stressing yourself out” over work. Learning ways to reduce your stress at work might be just what the Genie ordered.

The Genie could also get you transferred to another department. But you don’t need him for that. You can put in for that transfer all on your own.

So what you have done here is develop a list of things that you would like the Genie to change. You have also thought about the how, the way in which you want him to make the changes.

For each change you want the Genie to make in your life, record the way in which he would do this and the steps that would take.

You might decide you want a new career. You need more education and training to get that new job. That means going back to school, which means applying to get in and taking a placement test. Don’t overload yourself. You did not give the Genie a time deadline to get this done. You just want him to start making the changes and so you need to know what the steps are that will make up those changes.

Wait – before you run out the door and start making all these changes. The Genie is trying to tell you something.

You are at the crossroads in your life and there is always danger at the crossroads. You need to hear what the Genie says about those dangers.

Next post I will tell you what the Genies warning was.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Annual Happiness Drive – Please contribute some happiness

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2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Could you spare a cup of happiness?

Just when you thought the holidays were over and you had seen an end to charity requests, here comes another one.

Wait – don’t go. This one will not cost you a dime.

That’s right, don’t want your money, not now anyway. Later when or if my book comes out you can buy one if you are so inclined. But for now, I am asking –

“Do you have any happiness that you can spare?”

Here is the thing we learn about happiness, when you share it you do not have less. Every time you share your happiness with others there is more until there is more than enough to go around.

So if you can spare a little happiness and send it to me, then I promise to pass it on.

Now you can’t wrap it up and ship it. True happiness is not a thing you can put in a box, it is a feeling. So while you can’t ship happiness to me, you might be able to tell me about it in an email, and then I will be able to share that happiness with you. Then I can pass it on to others.

Now some people mistake things for happiness. They will tell us that they are happy that they got a new car. Sometimes they mistake happiness for having something that is better than what others have.

Please don’t share that “I am happy because I have more than you” with me. Eventually, someone else will come along and have more than you, and then all of us will be unhappy.

What I especially am hoping for during this “Happiness Drive,” are the people who can share with me that one thing that someone said or did for them this year that made them truly happy.

So this might be a kind word or a sunset you shared with a friend. It may be a goal accomplished in your life or a problem solved. For many of you, it will be a new person in your life, a child, grandchild, or friend.

You may have a picture, which is fine if you want to share it. Please keep them small if you can. Not sure how much space we have in this old soapbox. But mostly I would like to hear from you, what made you happy in this last year and how might others be able to share that happiness with you.

As we walk through this year we want to look a lot more at happiness, what it is, how you get some, and how you keep it. It will help us in this task if we know what happiness looks like. That is where those of you who chose to share a little of your happiness comes in. By letting us see how happiness has affected you in your life maybe we can increase it in our lives.

Any contributions of happiness will be appreciated.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Discovering Happiness

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The search for Happiness.

Of the thousand goals, you might have in life, finding happiness sums up that one thing most people are looking for. You might label it love or contentment, success or achievement but whatever you call it we all appear to have the hope if we can just find that one elusive thing we are looking for we will finally be happy.

As a professional counselor and therapist, I like to think that basically what I do involves being in the happy life business. I try to help people create a happy life.

What a happy life means to you and what it might mean to me are probably quite different things. The hardest part of helping people find happiness is being able to not know what they should do to find their happiness and still participating in the journey to help them find that happiness.

Cultivating that “not knowing” attitude rather than imposing our version of happiness on others takes practice. Daily I have to think that I know very little about this person and what will make them happy.  I need to create a safe place for them to explore that landscape and find what happiness would be for them.

Generally, I know the landscape of happiness. I have found some things that make me happy, but the journey of discovery continues. I am honored when a client tells me that our time together has helped them find that place of success, love, or whatever they call their happiness.

I have written some blog posts on things I have learned about the search for happiness and they are listed below. Would you care to share some of the things that have led you to your happiness or the things that take you away from that place of fulfillment?

Past Posts on the topic of Happiness:

Successes, Happiness, and Contentment

Where Happiness Hides

Buying Happiness

Directions to Happiness

Finding Happiness

Happiness or Misery

How to Be Happy

Happy Enough to Make the Bed?

Should you be happy?

There are lots of posts on my blog and other blogs about unhappiness. It seems unhappiness is easier to find than happiness. One thing I am sure of is that things don’t equate with happiness. Things are symbols. Happiness comes from what things mean to you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Discovering Happiness

Posted on by
1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The search for Happiness.

Of the thousand goals, you might have in life, finding happiness sums up what most people are looking for. You might label it love or contentment, success, or achievement but whatever you call it we all appear to have the hope if we can just find that one elusive thing we are looking for we will finally be happy.

As a professional counselor and therapist, I like to think that basically what I do involves being in the happy life business. I try to help people create a happy life.

What a happy life means to you and what it might mean to me are probably quite different things. The hardest part of helping people find happiness is being able to “not know” what they should do to find their happiness and still participating in their journey to help them find their happiness.

Cultivating that “not knowing” attitude rather than imposing our version of happiness on others takes practice. Daily I have to think that I know nothing about this person and what will make them happy.  I need to create a safe place for them to explore that landscape and find what happiness would be to them.

Generally, I know the landscape of happiness. I have found some things that make me happy but the journey of discovery continues. I am honored when a client tells me that our time together has helped them find that place of success, love, or whatever they call their happiness.

I have written some blog posts on things I have learned about the search for happiness and they are listed below. Would you care to share some of the things that have led you to your happiness or the things that take you away from that place of fulfillment?

Past Posts on the topic of Happiness:

Successes, Happiness, and Contentment

Where Happiness Hides

Buying Happiness

Directions to Happiness

Finding Happiness

Happiness or Misery

How to Be Happy

Happy Enough to Make the Bed?

Should you be happy?

There are lots of posts on my blog and other blogs about unhappiness. It seems unhappiness is easier to find than happiness. One thing I am sure of is that things don’t equate with happiness. Things are symbols. Happiness comes from what the things symbolize to you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Where happiness hides.

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3

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How happiness becomes invisible.

Happiness is so much harder to find than pain for the majority of humans. This is not a result of some personal failing. Turns out that this bias, to see the bad and the dangerous and to miss the happy and the pleasant, is a built-in feature, a part of the design of humans.

One particular psychological principle explains a lot about the inability of so many people to see happiness even when it is right in front of you. That principle is the “expert effect.”

Let me explain the expert effect and how it hides happiness with a story from my past.

I once had a friend who was into antiques. We decide to meet up for lunch and check out a few antique stores downtown. After walking through one especially well-stocked establishment we paused outside to talk about what we had seen.

“Did you see that Fenton glass? And the shelf of carnival glass over in the corner?” She asked.

I had to admit I hadn’t noticed either of these glass items. They were right there in plain sight.” She commented.  “How could you have missed them?”

I had to admit I had missed them. There was a good reason why. At that point in my life, I could not have told you the difference between a piece of Fenton glass and a fence. I could easily spot the shelves of old books but the glass, not so much.

So after that experience and not wanting to appear so stupid I determined to solve this problem. The next week I went to the library and checked out, and read, some books on antique and collectible glass.  The next time we went antique hunting I did indeed see all sorts of previously invisible collectible glass.

Not only did I see it, but now I slowed down to take a close look and tried to remember what I had read about this particular type of glass. When we did finally talk about what we had seen there was so much more to the conversation.

The principle here is the “expert effect.” If you don’t know what something looks like it is hard to spot. The more you learn about a subject the faster you will identify it and the more meaning it will have when you see it.

Most of us are hard-wired to spot pain but we have never learned to see happiness. This makes the good things in life invisible even when they are right in front of us.

Most of us are naturally able to spot the unhappy, the painful, and the dangerous. You don’t need to be eaten by a lion to know that avoiding lions is a good thing to do. We can learn from others by seeing them get eaten. We might even learn from hearing others tell tales about lions eating people. Getting eaten has a high importance if you live around lions. In my town, we avoid gang members with guns in the same way.

It is much harder to spot others who are happy. And we don’t often hear stories about other’s happy moments. Even when we do see and hear happiness stories they don’t stick in our brains the way lion stories do. This is called a negativity bias.

Rick Hanson author of Buddha Brain, has written and talked about our ability to learn about the negative quickly and our lack of skill in learning to spot and remember happiness. With time our brains can learn most anything but the less you know about the topic the harder it is to learn and the more we will be biased to learning only scary things we need to know to keeps us alive.

So his prescription for learning about happiness? How do you become a happiness expert so you can spot it at a distance and learn to run toward happiness instead of from lions? Hanson suggests that a positive memory needs to be held and savored for 20-30 seconds before it will sink in unlike pain that registers straight off. He calls this 3 step process “taking in the good.”

The brain does not do a good job of storing facts, especially small or unimportant facts.

Did you know that the bulk of all learning, maybe 80% or more, is emotional, not intellectual?

Want to remember something? Turn it into an emotional experience, not a fact. Here is a happiness example.

You are walking along at a fast clip, trying to get your exercise done before sunset. Nice sunset. Nice flower I just passed. Glad when this jogging stuff is over and I can rest. Is that the way many of us do this exercising thing?

What would happen if you stopped and looked at the sunset? How long can you stare at your neighbor’s flowers before she calls the cops? If you pause and look, for as little as twenty to thirty seconds, give this experience time to soak into your brain, you will greatly increase the likelihood of remembering this experience as a pleasant one. Let a few of these 30-second experiences accumulate and you might become a happiness expert.

What – you too busy to spend 30 seconds collecting happiness?

But wait there is more. Hanson also said that besides slowing down and turning the facts into an experience, holding the feeling for the 30 seconds we also need to make a conscious effort to save the experience.

So if you set out to become a happiness expert, invest the time, feel the feeling when it comes, and plan to hold on to it and capture it in your brain.

You too can become a happiness expert and prevent happiness invisibility.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Scared or Excited?

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1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Scary stuff

Scared or Excited.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is the difference between scared and excited?

Some people live their whole lives in fear. Everything is scary when you live in fear. Being afraid doesn’t make something dangerous but dangerous things ought to scare us. So how come there are those people who seek out the things other people call scary?

People in recovery often are overwhelmed by fear of the changes that need to be made. Fear can be a trigger to take someone back to the old patterns of behavior. That very same person who is afraid of the challenges of recovery may have been constantly seeking excitement via drugs or mania before they began recovery.

What makes some of us attracted to risk and excitement? One theory is that people range between two extremes, scared-anxious and stimulation seeking. As new-born babies some kids are easily overstimulated and need to take breaks and others are constantly seeking more stimulation.

Anxiety and stimulation are considered basic personality traits by some in the psychological professions. So the anxious person sees a situation as scary and a stimulus-seeking person thinks of the very same event as exciting.

Our appetite for risk and excitement can also be learned. We learn from our own experiences and we also learn from watching those around us. What is learned can be unlearned. If you are afraid of a change could you come to view the possibilities of a new life course with excitement?

Transforming fear into excitement is possible.

Consider the case of two clients.

First client, Betty, is 18 about to leave home and head off for college. She is scared to death. She will be leaving her family and friends. She has never been particularly close to her family and does not have many friends but she is terrified that at the new school she will know no one and thinks that they are likely to not like her. Betty is not sure she can do this and wishes she had not let her school counselor talk her into applying to an out-of-town school. What if she fails? She is sure something will go wrong and there will be no one at the school to help her. She is afraid. To cope with her fear she may drink, use drugs, or withdraw and hide in her room.

Client number two, Maria, attends the same high school as Betty, though the two don’t seem to know each other. Maria is also 18 and graduating. She likewise is about to leave home for a cross-country college. The difference is that Maria is excited to be on the go. She looks forward to the new things she will learn and the people she will meet. Maria has high self-esteem, she feels good about herself. She also has high self-efficacy; she knows she can do something if she sets her mind to it. Maria will be the first in her family to attend college and she is proud of what she will be accomplishing.

The primary difference between these two students is not the situation. Both are academically well-prepared students accepted to an out-of-town college.

The real difference between the two students is the way in which they view change. Yes, there are underlying differences in temperament and in the emotional skills they have learned, but either could be taught to see the situation from the other perspective.

As parents, we sometimes need to teach our children to be fearful to avoid excessive danger. They or we grow up and discover that our fears are keeping us trapped. Changing your perspective from fear to excitement can alter the whole experience. Changing your view can move something new from the scary categories to the exciting group.

Performers, actors, comics, and singers often get “butterflies” before they go on stage. They can interpret those symptoms as stage fright or they can think of this as the energy that sends them, to put out their best performance yet.

Athletes try to psych themselves up before a game or match. They transform that nervous energy which could be fear and keep them on the sidelines into the excitement that carries them to their best possible performance.

Is there something in your life that scares you which you need to start thinking of as an exciting new possibility?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel