Groundhog Day – Why it matters

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self

Getting to know yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes our emotional lives depend on the weather.

Today is Groundhog Day in those places that pay attention to that kind of thing. The day has a lot more significance for our emotional and feeling life than the media accounts report.

In America, this holiday began sometime before 1840. It was celebrated in areas that had large numbers of German Immigrants. To this day it is most observed in places that have many people of German and Irish ancestry. The holiday has roots far back into other festivals throughout Northern Europe. It appears to date from a time when our calendar was more dependent on the cycles of the moon and the sun.

The visible part of the holiday is an event when some animal comes from its hole, tunnel or lair and looks around at the state of the weather. This animal, in America a Groundhog, is clearly a contrarian skeptic. If the weather on Groundhog Day is warm and sunny, the Groundhog returns to its lair, expecting 6 more weeks of winter. If on this day the sky is overcast and there is no sun visible the animal, clearly cynical, stays out expecting the sun to appear shortly.

One reason this holiday continues to resonate with so many people despite the advent of modern meteorological forecasting is that the weather remains uncertain and hugely affects our lives.

Groundhog Day is the point when the sun in the northern hemisphere is beginning to make its return known. From the beginning of February until the end of March, each day the period of light will increase and the darkness of night will decline until about March 20, the Vernal Equinox will occur, marking the triumph of day over night. At that point, spring officially occurs under our modern calendar.

These increases in light trigger numerous changes in our human bodies as any person who suffers from seasonal affective disorder will tell you. Animals and plants, as well as humans, will be influenced by this change in the light level.

One effect of the increase in light is to trigger an increase in energy, especially in the area of sexual interest. Just over two weeks after Groundhog Day on February 14th we will celebrate Valentine’s Day, a day devoted to romantic love.

Animals, particularity birds, begin their breeding season by Valentine’s day and have new-born chicks some 6 weeks later on Easter.

People with Bipolar Disorder are prone to see an increase in Manic or Hypomanic symptoms at this time of year. Increased sexual appetites along with a decreased need for sleep are characteristics of this mood shift. People with high anxiety may also be more inclined to take risks at this time of year that they would not take during other seasons.

In the fall time, this shift reverses as the light of the sun decreases and the weather turns cold and stormy. At that time we become more inclined to stay indoors and there is an increased risk of depression and anxiety.

The sun plays a major role in these seasonal changes in our moods, body, and emotions. The role of the moon is somewhat more controversial.

Good news for those of you who are moon watchers. This year from Groundhog Day to Valentine’s Day the moon is waning or going away. Next year in 2014, watch out. The period from Groundhog Day to Valentine’s Day will be a waxing moon and Valentine’s Day will fall on the day of a full moon that year.

For those of you in the Southern Hemisphere, all these dates are reversed. Beginning Feb 2nd you will see the sun receding and your winter blues may be ready to kick off. You will get to see this increase in light behavior during the time from August to December.

There was also a movie some time back titled Groundhog Day in which the lead character had to keep repeating his day trying to get it right. The ancient view of this, so I am told is that the wheel of the year keeps turning, the seasons keep repeating and we creatures on this planet keep having experiences.

It seems like, for me at least, if I don’t learn the lesson the first time, the opportunity to learn continues to be presented to me. Just like there will be a Groundhog Day again next year.

So much for our discussion of Groundhog Day and the effects of weather on our mood and feeling states. Tomorrow we will resume our discussion of feelings and their impact on mental health.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

February is Feelings Month

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How many feelings can you identify?

For so many of us these things we call feelings are inconveniences we wish we could avoid. Feelings fall somewhere between gas that erupts suddenly and inconveniently when we least expect it and those predictable morning feelings that now is the time to visit the toilet.

What we fail to recognize is that each and every feeling has a meaning and a purpose. These biochemical reactions to things are built into our makeup and they have served a purpose throughout mankind’s existence. Some of these purposes we would rather not think about and others – well we wish we could spend our lives exploring that feeling that sex or chocolate gives us.

One of the things counselors spend a good deal of time working on with clients is the proper relationships we should have with feelings. An excess of negative feelings is the principle reason people go to their therapist. A shortage of positive feelings would be another good reason to do some feelings work.

Happiness is not simply an absence of negative feelings. Contentment does not arise from being in a place of feelings neutral. Failing to cultivate happiness and other positive feelings can quickly take us back to a place of anxiety, depression, or pain and suffering.

Learning to spot feelings, identify them, and help clients explore them is a significant part of a counselor’s training. Don’t let your therapist fool you; most of us had just as many difficulties with feelings as the rest of you, we just devoted a lot of time and study to the subject.

At one point in graduate school, I began to despair of ever having the answers my professor was seeking to my understanding of feelings. I just was not sure about those feelings things, I had come from a family that was so good we didn’t even have feelings, or so I thought. As a result, recognizing and identifying feelings was a task for me.

I was running groups in a substance abuse facility at the time so I took that list of feelings the professor was asking me about and typed up some lists of ten feelings each. Each group that week got a list and we talked about those feelings.

Most groups got so spirited that we never finished the list. What I did find was the group and I both knew a whole lot more about the feelings than we realized. The negative feelings were easier to describe and work with than the positive ones but in every group, there was someone who had experienced each and every feeling on my list.

Importantly we discovered that each and every feeling had its reason for existing and its role to play in human experience.

So I am again going to ask for help with feelings.

This month, February Feelings Month, I am going to start discussions about various feelings, express my thoughts, maybe describe some research on that particular feeling and then ask for your help.

So those of you, who have had feelings, know someone who has feelings or has some general knowledge of the whole feelings mystery – could you help me out here and contribute some thoughts on feelings and the role they play in your life?

To the right, you should see a list of topics from past posts. Please check out some of those posts and feel free to comment.

Most of these are about specific disorders or mental health terminology. None of them are comprehensive as a description of any one disorder could fill multiple books and no two people with a disorder will experience it in exactly the same way. My hope is that my thoughts may be helpful to some of you.

February will not be exclusively about feelings; we need a little variety so some other topics will come up. There are some holidays this month, major and minor holidays. I will comment on a couple of those. Notice how all those other topics may connect with your feelings. I suspect all of you will have feelings about some of the posts.

You have those feelings for a reason and one of our tasks is to learn what those feelings are telling us.

Past Feelings Posts

How do the mentally ill feel?

How many feelings do you feel?

How to be happy

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Mental Health, Self-improvement & Happy life –Counselorssoapbox.com January 2013 Best of Blog

Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Taking stock of where we are in this no longer New Year – January Recap.

One month of 2013 come and gone, time to reflect on where we are and where we are going. So far this month we have talked a lot about taking stock of where you are and deciding where you are going. This happy life journey is all about becoming who you truly want to be.

I noticed that there are still a lot of people coming in to join us that are reading last year’s posts about diseases and disorders. When you are stuck in depression, anxiety, or substance abuse you may not be ready to begin a journey towards happiness. First, you need to define what your issues are.

Occasionally we may need to take a detour to help someone catch up with the direction towards happiness. As we progress I we will continue to examine the research that I come across, things that may explain why some of us have certain of life’s struggles and how you might overcome them.

One goal for this New Year has been to get these blog posts out on a regular basis. That seems to be working. I find I am able to write posts ahead of time and schedule them to appear on their appointed day. This has avoided those times when life and work prevent me from writing a post.

The progress on the book has been slow but I continue to work on getting it finished. The plan is to have a book published by the year’s end. I will mention some other writing projects as we go along.

I will endeavor to keep the shameless self-promotion to a minimum but my writer friends tell me that spreading the word about your writing is a requirement in this strange new e-book universe.

Here are some of the top viewed posts from this month, January 2013:

  1. How much should you tell a therapist? 
  2. Do people really forget what happened when drinking? – Blackouts 
  3. 6 ways to recover from Complex Trauma or Complex PTSD                         
  4. What is the difference between Depression and Major Depressive Disorder?   
  5. Why can’t we forget the painful past?       
  6. Are you Hyperthymic?      
  7. Do therapists have to report a crime?                
  8. Which border is Borderline Intellectual Functioning on?   
  9. Do others harm your self-esteem?          
  10. Is nicotine a stimulant or a depressant?      
  11. Sleep Paralysis – What causes it? Is it related to PTSD or demons?     
  12. Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder

Thanks if you were one of the early readers. If you missed one or want a second look the links are above.

Thanks, folks.

This year we will continue our journey through cleaning up our past, learning to cope with feelings and problems, and designing the kind of person we want to be. As always your comments are welcome.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Becoming wealthy is easier than you think

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Cash

Money.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

In the wealthiest country on earth, most Americans are poor.

What does it take to become a wealthy person? Getting into that top one percent may be difficult but moving up the wealth ladder takes a whole lot less than you might think.

Poor may be easier to define than wealthy. The poor can’t afford much of anything.  By most economic measures the majority of Americans are poor. I will emphasize Americans in this post because most of the rest of the world thinks of us as wealthy, we know better.

Two-thirds of all Americans live paycheck to paycheck.

Most of us are one paycheck away from homelessness. The only thing saving a lot of us is the slow speed of eviction and foreclosure.

Absolutely having an income is important. We will return again later to the theme of the connection between having a job, any job, and having hope and good mental health. But once you have that income coming in, what will it take to start moving up into the ranks of the “wealthy.” Probably way less than you think.

Over one-fourth of Americans have no savings account. Open a savings account of any amount and you move into the upper 75 % of all Americans in wealth. Better open that account with a credit union. In what I see as amazing cynicism most U. S. banks will charge you so much for “maintaining an account” those fees will drain the account dry in a matter of months.

Want to do better than that? Let’s say you want to join the upper 50% of the wealthiest Americans, you need to reach a balance in that savings account of just $500. That’s right folks; to enter the ranks of the wealthiest half of all Americans you need just $500 in savings.

You are saying that it must be more complicated than that. Well yes, there is a little catch. You can’t count yourself wealthy if you don’t pay your bills to collect up that saving account balance. But don’t worry about that one too much. Turns out most Americans have bills that exceed their savings account balance. So yes even with balances on your credit cards you can make the 50 % most wealthy Americans list with just $500 in savings.

Want to bypass all that middle of the road stuff and make the upper crust? The wealthiest one-third is your goal? The amount you need in Savings will need to reach the astronomical figure of $1,000.

This is mind-boggling. Most of us will spend thousands on a big screen or a new computer but can “spend” $1,000 by placing it in a savings account for later use. How much is peace of mind worth? If you lose just one night’s sleep worrying about paying bills having that $1,000 cushion will be worth the effort to save it up.

Unless, big warning here, if you are one of those people who the minute you get some money in the bank you increase your spending to use that money up. To get into the top one-third in wealth is a lot easier than to stay there.

What about credit cards?

We need to talk about the average American now, not the upper or lower anything. Calling anyone average is a stretch, especially when we are talking about money. The average family had 2.3 children at one point. No one has “point anything” kids. You either have two or three or you belong in an institution for the criminally insane.

Take one person walking down Wall Street; he has one hundred million dollars in the bank. Now average his bank balance with the nine homeless people in that Occupy encampment. What is the result? The AVERAGE bank balance will be ten million dollars. No one in this example has that amount.

This trying to average Billionaires and people making minimum wage is one reason Washington keeps getting us into trouble. If you take away everything the Billionaires have and leave them homeless you still won’t get enough to make the homeless into millionaires. On the other hand, if the Billionaires don’t kick in and kick in good there will be no one to buy from their companies and they will not feel safe walking the streets. Trickle-down economics only works when the flow rate increases way beyond a trickle. But I digress.

How do credit cards figure into this becoming a wealthy person?

Credit cards have their place. I am not urging you to return to the depression era economics and go completely without the existence of credit. I keep some in case my car breaks down in the middle of the desert and I need to get it repaired to get out of there. I do not move to the desert and try to live by using my card instead of working.

The way some card companies market their products is the equivalent of that chocolate cake on the healthy eating list. Sympathy for those card companies is like caring for sharks by keeping some in the community pool. I am all for conservation but it does not include a shark in my pool thank you very much.

So what is the relationship between being a wealthy American and credit cards?  Wealthy people do not carry balances on credit cards. If they have them and use them they pay them off as quickly as possible.

This keeps most Americans out of the “Wealthy” club. The “Average American” has $3,800 in their bank account but they have $2,200 on their credit card. If they were to pay that credit card off there would not be even one month’s living expenses left for that “average” American.

The net result is that they will end up using that card again. They get to pay and pay that balance over and over and still never get out of debt.

Want to be a wealthy American no matter how much you make? Save up some money in an emergency savings account, pay off those credit cards and then scale back your spending to match your income.

You can’t afford the bare necessities you say? We need to talk about the difference between necessities and luxuries, between wants and needs. But this post has run over so I will save that for another time.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

5 Rules for Helping and Being Helped

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Helping others.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Can you accept help? Do you help others?

The tug between giving and receiving help can throw you off-balance regardless of your other issues in life.

There are those who are always doing for others. They just can’t help enough. But when the time comes for them to ask for or even accept help this is something really hard for them to do. This over-helping can leave you drained and resentful when others don’t show you the appreciation you expect and are not willing to do for you in return.

Other people avoid doing anything for others but are always so needy then use their friends up. Eventually, a day comes that they need help but no one is available or willing to help them. They become despondent and bitter. Constantly asking for help may be a sign you don’t have much confidence in your ability to handle things.

Getting this helping and receiving help in balance is really difficult. To navigate the helping rapids you need a lot of balance in your life.

Helping rule # 1

Helping others makes you feel good.

Have you ever done something for a small child or an elderly person? Someone who truly needed your help and couldn’t do it or do it as well without your help?

How did that make you feel? Most people have had this experience more than once in their life. The predominant feeling people say they get from helping others was that helping that person made them feel good. We mostly like the feeling of helping someone who needs help.

If you have never had this feeling, don’t cheat yourself out of the chance to feel good. Seek out some opportunity to be of service.

Helping rule # 2

Don’t help others and expect something in return.

Did you expect that child to thank you profusely or be in your debt? Did you expect them to repay the favor? Probably not, because you knew from the start that child or older person was not in a position to do the same for you.

Now, what if you lent your car to a friend, and then later when you needed a ride they would not return the favor? How does this make you feel?

You probably feel bad, hurt, even angry. Why? Because when you helped them you expected that they would someday repay the favor.

If you help others expecting something in return you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Helping rule # 3

Don’t cheat others out of the chance to feel good by helping.

If helping a child made you feel good why would you cheat someone out of any of that good feeling? This comes up frequently in recovery groups. People say that they don’t ask someone to be their sponsor because they don’t want to impose.

That other person wants the chance to help. If not you then they will help someone else. So often in life, we constantly help but are unwilling to let others help us. Being able to accept help is as much a skill as being a helping person.

Only watch out for rule 4.

Helping rule # 4

Giving is giving and selling is selling.

If someone helps you do you owe them? There are some businesses that call themselves helping professions or that like to think they help people but it is clear from the start or should be that someone is paying for this service. Most of the time helping and receiving help are not-for-profit transactions.

If someone does for you and they afterward tries to charge you, there is a good chance you will feel cheated. That gift had strings attached. Makes you reluctant to accept help from that person again and it makes you reluctant to offer them any help in the future.

Make sure what the intent is upfront and feel free to decline offers of help that come with strings attached.

Helping rule # 5

Helping should not be a destination at the end of a one-way street.

People who can give help but are never able to receive it are in an unhealthy neighborhood. If something inside you makes you feel that you need to always be helping others but that you should not accept any help in return you need to look at yourself and see why it is so hard for you to accept help.

Do you feel that you don’t deserve to receive help? Are you not worth it? Then take a look back at all those previous posts about how you deserve a happy life and need to start creating one. Believe in yourself.

If you find that you are mostly on the receiving end then consider what you can do to give to others. Giving makes you feel better about yourself and always taking makes you weaker, more helpless, and selfish.

This is not to say that if you have a genuine disability it is wrong to accept a lot of help. What I am saying is that you need also to look at what you can do to be helpful in return. Sometimes that is as simple as saying thank you or a call to see how the person who was helpful to you is feeling today. This is one of those for sure cases of; it is not the size of the gift but the thought that counts. Just, please, be honest with yourself about how much help you need and what you can and can’t do for others.

Helping is not a fair trade situation. You do not do for them so they will do for you. It is a “you have to give it away to keep it” thing. The more you can do for others the better a person you become. Letting others help you, sometimes helps them to find happiness.

Best wishes on your journey to a happier life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are they laughing at you again?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Laughing.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why are people watching you and laughing at you?

If I started off by suggesting that people were following you around and were out to get you most of my readers would think that this was paranoia and say “no not me.” But a great many of you are convinced that others are laughing at you a lot. I have to admit I have shared that thought also a few times.

Most people worry in social situations. We want others to like us. Being liked and included has had evolutionary survival value. When the tribe likes you they share their food, shelter, and fire with you. If they don’t like you the result may be being banished to the jungle or forest. In some more rural cultures, the mentally ill are still sent out into the jungle to live. The attitude is better they get eaten than the healthy ones in the village.

The more sensitive and insecure you are the more likely you are to be constantly vigilant to see if you are being accepted. People with high anxiety are constantly monitoring the environment to see if others like them. There is a big problem with all this insecure monitoring.

That problem is called confirmatory bias.

If you think that people laugh at you a lot, as you are walking through the mall you hear a sudden burst of laughter. You look around and see a group of people all laughing and they are looking at you. That confirms it. A group of total strangers is laughing at you. Once you catch them at this, they all turn and walk rapidly away. At least that is what you think.

That is not what happened at all.

An independent observer who was sitting on the bench watching this unfold would have a different story. A group of people was standing around talking. Someone told a joke and they all laughed. At that point, someone walking through the mall stopped, turned, and stood there staring at the group of people. They became nervous and looked back. When this stranger continued to stare they decided to get out of there before that crazy person did something and they walked as quickly as they could towards an exit.

See how this confirmatory bias works?

If you think that others are looking at you when you look around there will be some people looking at you. That confirms what you thought. All other evidence gets ignored as you are not currently looking for people who are ignoring you.

One hard thing for people who are anxious or depressed to do is to realize that most of the rest of the world is not motivated by you. Frankly, they are, most of the time, not laughing at you. They are in fact not even looking at you.

This bias comes from the belief that you somehow are responsible for what the rest of the world is feeling, that if they are sad or angry or hurt that it is somehow you doing and therefore your fault.

One thing I have learned from my time here on earth is that most people are way too interested in themselves to pay any real attention to what I am doing. A lot of times that I felt embarrassed or worried because a made a mistake there in public, it turns out no one noticed because they were all too preoccupied with themselves.

So next time you become nervous and think that others are looking at you because of something you did or said, consider that they may be looking at you because they are afraid you just noticed what they did.

One other thing I have learned? To not take myself so seriously. Sometimes I realize I did something that even I should laugh about.

Hope you are learning to accept yourself however you are and moving towards the happiest life possible.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do others harm your self-esteem?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Low Self-esteem

Low Self-esteem.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Who talks badly about you?

If you were on a desert island, with no one around to criticize you, would you still feel bad about yourself?

Interesting question. I saw this question in a book titled “Be Glad You’re Neurotic” by Dr. Louis Bisch, one of the founders of the New York Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. I have paraphrased it slightly. It was a valid question back in 1936 when his book was published and it is still a good question today. This is not the post to go into the whole Neurosis versus Specific Diagnosis thing or talk about the difference between psychoanalysis and the kind of brief therapy in vogue today. We may get back to that later – maybe not.

What is important at this point in our series on moving towards your happy life is the question of how much of what you think about yourself is the result of what others have told you and how much is now a part of your belief system.

In a previous post, I talked about how we may have faulty life blueprints in our heads. One major source of these life-plan errors is the things others said about us that we took for the whole unvarnished truth. Many of these things we believe about ourselves because others told us so are just not the truth.

An example.

A woman refused to eat while at the treatment facility because she was “fat.” She looked normal to below normal in weight. She was not quite underweight but clearly, she did not need to diet. Her reason for believing she was “fat?” Her siblings and her cousins had always called her fatso and teased her about her weight. For the record when I eventually met her family they were all larger and heavier than she.

She believed that she was fat not because of outside objective evidence, like scales or doctor’s opinion, but because it was so painful to be teased about her weight she was resolved to change herself to please her family.

A really stupid man?

One student in my night class confided to me that he did not expect to do well in the class. He was sure he was just too stupid to do college-level work. He had not done well in high school but he was hoping to somehow make it through the program at the community college and earn a certificate in a vocational program.

His first paper was atrocious. But as I reflected on this paper I realized so was many of my early papers. Like many of my students, he was not fully prepared for college but he made up for a lack of skills by putting in more effort.

In this particular class, the requirement was that the students submit the papers early so that I could grade them, and then they were to revise the paper and resubmit it. The grade was based on the quality of the revised paper.

This student’s revised paper was one of the best in the class. Further, he got one of the highest scores in the class on both the midterm and the final.

He had been told so repeatedly that he was stupid, he had lived down to other’s expectations.

Is this an unusual situation? Not really. Many people who return to college in their adult years have underestimated their abilities. They have believed others in their lives who told them negative things about themselves.

Meanwhile back on the desert island.

If you were away from all those naysayers, by yourself on that remote island, would you still feel bad about yourself?

Most of us complain that our family or friends, maybe our Significant Others criticizes us all the time and that undermines our self-confidence. But the truth be told, if we were all alone by ourselves we would still be saying those same negative things about us. We have internalized those negative messages and now, believing them to be true, we act accordingly.

In a previous post (Making friends by calling them names) I wrote about the tendencies so many of us have to escape from negative or abusive people in our lives and then to continue the abuse and negativity by abusing ourselves and call ourselves names.

So consider for a moment Dr. Bisch’s question. If you were alone on a desert island with no one to call you names, would you still feel bad about yourself?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Flavors of motivation – Personality traits and factors

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation.

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is there one best motivation technique?

So far we have been talking about what it will take to get from where you are, wherever that might be, to the place you want to go. I have defined that place as having a happy life – whatever that might mean to you.

Last year I also posted a series of pieces about stages of change, how it is that we think people go about changing. While each of you may be in a different stage of change and we may all be in different stages of change for different problems, the focus of the posts this month is on gathering information so you can decide for yourself what, if anything, you want to change.

One aspect of making these changes we will need to talk about is motivation. This post is meant to be an introductory post on the topic of motivation. In “Motivation Month” there will be a longer series of posts on other aspects of motivation.

There is lots of material on the web about motivation, plenty of motivational speakers, and books on motivation. Some motivational methods work well for some people, some of the time, but no motivational program seems to be a clear success all of the time.

One consideration in designing a motivation program is who you are trying to motivate. One set of techniques may be more effective for self-motivation and another set works better for motivating others.

Psychologists have been studying the way in which personality factors – sometimes reported as the “big five” factors influence motivation. They influence other parts of your behavior and feelings also. There is some disagreement as to how much of personality is genetic and how much is learned. I think both factors play a role and therefore you start where you start but you can learn to be otherwise. Here are the big five factors.

Extroverts want the money or fame.

People who are extroverts are more likely to be motivated by more tangible status-related rewards than introverts. Extroverts want to raise their status. Fame, attention, high salaries are all likely to motivate the extrovert. Bosses will find tangible rewards, money, a corner office, or a prime parking space are likely to increase the extrovert’s motivation.

If you are looking to raise your status and need to self-motivate look for activities that will bring you into contact with lots of people. Networking, speaking before groups, making an increased number of calls, all these things are likely to motivate you and to increase your productivity.

Agreeable people need friends.

People who are high in agreeableness are motivated by getting along. They value communication. Not the kind of communication that is aimed at getting someone to do what you want them to, but the sort of communication that involves really understanding and being understood.

Agreeable people will work for less money if they feel that their coworkers are friends. They are excellent candidates for morale or social committees. They may be more motivated by working in an altruistic setting like a nonprofit even if the money is less.

Conscientious people need to get things done.

A person who is high on conscientiousness is task-oriented. They like to be able to work on a project where they can see the results of their efforts. They are big on self-discipline.

They show up for work on time, not because someone is watching them but because it is the “right” thing to do.

They are likely to be internally motivated. If you need to motivate a conscientious person, make sure they know the rules and expectations of the job and why these things are important.

Anxious people need security.

People who are anxious are sometimes referred to as being low in emotional stability. They will be motivated by results that improve their security. Anxious people will be more motivated by a long-term promise of secure employment or a pension fund than by current high salaries.

If you are high in anxiety you can increase your motivation by planning ways to increase your security.  Most people are one paycheck away from being homeless; saving up 6 months or more in living expenses can be very motivating to an anxious person.

Personality type is not the whole answer to motivating yourself and others but it is one point to begin your thinking about the role of motivation in your journey towards having a happy life.

Throughout this year there will be more on the topic of motivation. Stay tuned as we help each other design and move towards happier, more rewarding lives.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Forgetting things may not be a memory problem

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Brain

Memory.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How well you remember may depend on how you learned.

Memory is important. There is nothing as frustrating as standing there trying to remember someone’s name and come up with a complete blank.

We all blame this on a bad memory. That may not be the problem at all.

How well you remember someone or something may all depend on the very first impression. How well did you grasp the facts the first time you saw or heard them?

We talked in a past post (Why you can’t forget the painful past) about how pain is burned into us and happy memories take time to sink in. But there is more than just your emotional state at work in how well you remember.

That forgetting things, it may not be about old age or the beginning of Alzheimer’s. An example may help explain this.

You attend a social function over the weekend and meet some new people. On your way in past a hoard of noisy people trying to find their dinner table you are introduced to a couple and you shake hands just before you are whisked away to your table. You think that their names are Jane and Tom. Later when you say something to your partner over dinner about meeting Jane and Tom, they say who? You mean Janet and Tim?

Not what were their names?  You are not really sure. Two weeks later you start work at a new company.  The boss, you suddenly recognize him, you met him at the dinner meeting, but what was his name?

The problem here is not that you forgot his name. It is not even that you did not try to remember all those people who you met that night for the first time.

The problem is not in the retrieval part of memory. You never really learned this person’s name in the first place and clearly, you can’t remember something you never knew. You have just learned an important lesson.

How well you remember depends on the first impression something makes on you and on your brain. Hear a name clearly, get a chance to repeat it a few times, maybe even write it down and you will probably remember it. But hear it once, over a lot of noise in a hurried situation and it may well never get stored away in your memory.

Much of what we call forgetting is really a failure to learn things in the first place.

Remember that chemicals in your bloodstream can affect the recording, processing, or retrieval of information. To remember something you need to be able to do all three functions. We have talked in the past about how chemicals in the bloodstream can alter the storage and retrieval of information.

If you need the same chemical in your bloodstream to remember as was there when you learned something this is called State-Dependent Learning. We also talked about Marijuana and how it may interfere both with the storage and the retrieval of information. And of course, alcohol can cause blackouts, the total failure to record information even while you are talking and moving about. See “Do people really forget what happens when drinking.”

You now know that another major source of memory failure is not slowing down and learning things thoroughly enough in the first place.

A good memory is important in life and we could all use some help in improving our memory and our ability to make use of that thing we call our brain. Over the posts to come, I will talk more about how to get the best use and mileage out of that thing we call our brain. Better and clear thinking is a skill that can be learned. It does not benefit from the use of self-prescribed street drugs to boost its functioning.

Oh yes, some memory problems can be organic health problems. If there is a chance of that or you are concerned that this forgetting may be excessive, if you worry about having or getting Alzheimer’s, please see a doctor.

But also in the future work on improving your memory by, slowing it down, letting it sink in, and you will find the things you fully learned you will remember better.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The problem easy button.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

ok

Pushing the button.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Where did I put that easy button that solves everyone’s problems?

Have you seen that commercial where there is an easy button and you push it and the problem is solved?

Do you ever wish there was one of those buttons?

Clients come for counseling and they talk about how bad their life is, how they wish that family member would change, and so on.

What they don’t usually talk about is what they are willing to do to get this situation to change.

So if we had an easy button for your life problems – would you hit it?

Surprisingly many people would not be willing to hit the button.

Say you have a lot of anxiety and you could hit this button and all your anxiety would be gone, a very large number of you will pass on that opportunity. Why won’t people hit the easy button when it is sitting there on the table in front of them?

One reason is that our problems become like old friends. We are used to our particular brand of suffering and we are afraid that if this problem were to be solved then there would be other changes in our lives, changes that scare us. The terror we know is less scary than the one that might be around the bend in the path we have never trod.

For people who suffer from anger, depression, or substance abuse, their problem can become a part of who they think they are. Depression, like Anxiety, keeps you from doing things. That fear protects you from trying and therefore you don’t have to worry about making mistakes. You can’t do it because of Mr. Anxiety, Mary Jane, or Miss Crystal, so it is not your fault. If we take your anxiety from you and you were able to do things – guess what. Some of those things would not turn out well. You might even make some mistakes.

The cost of having an illness that prevents you from doing things needs to be balanced with the risks that if you did those things they will not all turn out perfectly.

With the freedom to make choices to decide how you want to live your life also come responsibilities. You need to own your choices, the good and the bad. Freedom has its risks.

Sometimes it is nice to have someone listen; understand what we are going through. Life can be hard and having a supportive person can be a great comfort. That person should not be someone who convinces you to hold on to your misery because a life free of suffering is just too scary.

I accept that many of us have had to live with pain. Pain may be a part of the human condition, but the suffering, that is optional.

One thing the counselor should not do is become a co-conspirator with the client and begin to tell them that they should give up. That with your problems there is no way you could be successful and so, of course, you should not try.

Despite the reality that giving up is bad advice no matter who tells you to do it, we all from time to time tell ourselves that we need to stop trying. The risks of solving our life problems are just too great.

So if the problem-solving button were in front of you – right now – hit it and your problem will be solved – will you do it? Are you ready to take that chance?

What will it take for you to be ready to leave those problems behind?

That button, that key to solving your problems, it has been there all this time, deep down inside you. You should know by now that your life can be happier if only you chose to let go of the suffering and make the most of your life with or without the pain.

The anger, the anxiety, the addiction, they may have been your long-term companions but they are not your friends. Kick them to the curb and get on with your life.

Every great epic story involves a hero and a quest.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel