Tag Archives: feelings emotions

Going nowhere fast? When you want something and you’re not getting it.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Questions to ask – things to do when your dreams are not happening.

Some people seem to be able to make everything come their way. Others of us seem to keep struggling, the only thing coming our way is an oncoming truck. Here are some things to look at if you just can’t get things to happen.

1. How bad do you want it?

For several years now I have been saying I wanted to lose some weight. Every time the choice between exercising and sitting down to read a good book or write another post comes up – the weight loss goal losses out. I am just not that committed to losing the weight.

Motivation plays a role here and later this year there will be a series of posts on motivation, how you motivate yourself, and others. But no amount of motivational efforts will help if you just don’t want it enough to put in the effort.

2. Do you believe in yourself and in your ability to reach this goal?

This is really about two different things. Do you deserve to be successful? If you have doubts in this area you need to do some work on that issue. I believe that we all deserve success and happiness. What success means to you, that is a different question.

The second part of this is do you think that if you set out to accomplish something you will be able to do it? If you have doubts about your abilities, you need to get more skills training. Work with a good counselor or coach may help establish or improve the skills you will need to get where you want to go.

3. Have you identified your objectives, short and long-term?

Saying you want a more successful, productive, or happier life is a start, but we need to operationalize those goals. What will it look like when you get there? How will we know you are headed in the right direction? Are there any markers along the way that will tell us we are headed in the right direction?

4. Are you taking action?

All progress begins with taking action. You cannot succeed at something if you do not try. The first step in reaching more goals in your life is taking more action.

No one hits one hundred percent of the shots they take but you have to keep putting the ball up in the air to make any baskets.

5. Are you cheering yourself on?

People who keep telling themselves they can, they often do. Tell yourself that you can’t do this, that this will never happen and you create the failure. Are you urging yourself on or holding yourself back? Positive self-talk contributes to success, negative self-talk ensures failure.

The highly successful keep telling themselves they can. They also look at results that fall short of their mark as improvement opportunities rather than failures.

6. Have you learned the technology of success?

Success is rarely the result of some sudden stroke of luck. Some people do win the lottery but we have repeatedly seen winning does not produce happiness. There is a process for technology, involved in moving from wishes to results.

Learn the technology of success and practice it. Become good at reaching goals, small and large. More on the technology of success in a future post.

7. Keep on the success path.

People who are highly successful are “single-minded” meaning they are not easily distracted. They do not change goals frequently and they do not put reaching those goals aside on any kind of regular basis. They do keep reevaluating their progress, am I on track, am I doing what I need to do, and is this still something I want to accomplish?

Very successful people do reexamine goals and change them from time to time. They also may have several or many goals they are working towards. What they do not do is vacillate. They are either in or out.

8. Enjoy the journey to your goal.

If you hate the process, the things you have to do to reach a goal, then it is not likely to be meaningful when you get there. People who have the greatest success are working at things they enjoy doing. The more you like a subject the better you will learn it. The more you enjoy an activity the more likely you are to repeat that behavior and the better you get at it.

Sure every worthwhile endeavor involves some sacrifice and some difficulty. Remember the old saying “no pain no gain.” I think pain, in that sense, means effort and struggle, not suffering. People who are highly successful learn to enjoy the struggle as well as the result.

Is your life the way you want it to be? Do you have goals that are not coming to pass? How are you doing on goal setting, motivation, and creating your happy life?

David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Growing up mentally ill effects every part of your life

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Confused brain

Mental illness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The high cost of growing up with a mental illness.

Lots of attention has been focused on how the severely mentally ill may be different from others. Very little attention seems to be paid to how the experience of having a mental or emotional problem in early life changes who that person becomes.

The prevailing myth is that childhood is a happy time; life problems and the resulting emotional distress come later, the cost of growing up. We would like to hold onto this Peter Pan fiction despite the fact that more than a few of us have our own memories of childhood emotional or mental difficulties.

Who we become as an adult is shaped by our experiences and what we learn about the nature of the world we live in. The life events of the mentally or emotionally challenged child are significantly different from those others undergo. These early emotional experiences create the adult they will become.

The challenge of growing up with a mental illness changes every aspect of your experience. Those life experiences contribute more to who the mentally ill child becomes that the particular emotional illness they have.

For the child with an emotional problem, all relationships are fundamentally altered. The cranky from birth child is hard to care for. Interactions with the caregiver depending on the extent of the child’s mental illness and the age at which the symptoms first develop. The problem child gets labeled and learns the role of Black sheep, the creator of the family’s dysfunction.

Peer relationships are likely to be distorted. The depressed or emotional child is more likely to be bullied and rejected by peers. They grow up alone, unaccepted, and victimized.

Their symptoms call down the wrath of teachers and adult authority figures. They are more likely to be judged by their symptoms than for themselves.

As difficult as the teen years are for the “typical” teen they are extra difficult for a teen who is struggling with mental illness. They may find it difficult to establish supportive friendships and have fewer resources to draw on to navigate the developmental tasks of growing up.

When and if they develop an intimate partner relationship that connection will be heavily influenced by the person’s mental illness. They are more likely to enter relationships with other mentally ill partners or to become the victims of partners who take advantage of their weaknesses. Being involved in relationships with other mentally ill people adds a double strain to the process of establishing healthy relationships.

They also have more difficulty staying in school and finishing their education. As a result, career options are more limited and the emotionally challenged youth is more likely to be unemployed or underemployed.

The mentality ill leave home and school to become a permanent member of an unnoticed minority. Regardless of their race or ethnicity, the emotionally challenged child grows up to be a victim of discrimination.

The mentally ill child is often scapegoated and blamed for the family’s problems. Some of them have grown up as the caregivers of mentally ill parents.

They come to question who they are when they are depressed, when they are manic or when they experience other symptoms.  The question becomes which part of their experience and their behavior is them and which is the result of their illness.

They often experience adults who view their symptoms as a matter of choice rather than illness and who tell them to just snap out of it and act normal. They wonder why others can cope with life and they find it such a challenge.

Growing up mentally ill can result in feelings of self-doubt and negative beliefs about the self. They come to think that they can’t do anything right. Not liking themselves is common.

Even when they enter the system they are likely to be viewed as incompetent rather than uneducated. They are likely to be assigned case managers who see their job as permanently managing these people who form a drain on society’s resources.

The professional that believes in recovery and a full and happy life for the mentally ill has long been the exception rather than the standard.

The cumulative impact of these experiences can easily lead to an adult mentally ill person who has come to accept that they are somehow defective and unwanted. They become marginalized unable to work, dependent on scanty government and family handouts and convinced by years of learned helplessness that they would not be able to succeed if given the chance.

We as a society create these angry depressed and isolated adult mentally ill by our unwillingness to recognize and help these youths who are struggling to overcome an emotional issue.

What is critically needed is more emphasis on early detection and treatment of mental and emotional challenges. We also need social service systems that believe in recovery rather than permanently marginalizing the mentally or emotionally ill.

David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Mentally Ill keep Big Tobacco profitable – dying to smoke

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Cigarette

Cigarette smoking is addictive.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Mentally ill and substance abusers are major consumers of tobacco products.

Those with a mental or emotional health problem continue to be major consumers of tobacco products.

A recent government study reported that 40% of those with a mental illness smoke cigarettes.

This is almost double the rate of smoking among the general public.

There was a time when the rate of smoking among those with a DSM diagnosis, that is either substance abuse or mental illness was reported as topping 50%. While this most recent study suggests a slight decrease in smoking by the mentally ill their rate of tobacco consumption continues to be far above that of other Americans. This decline however slight may well reflect a change in attitude among providers of services to the mentally ill.

We have discovered that having a mental illness can reduce your life expectancy by twenty years or more. On average those with a mental illness live shorter lives than those without similar challenges. Despite the existence of treatment that significantly reduces the impact of having a mental illness, we continue to have long-term health problems associated with having developed a mental illness.

In the past, many professionals took the position that with all the challenges the mentally ill had why were we trying them to get them to give up smoking or other things they found pleasurable even if those practices were impairing their health. The attitude of professionals is changing.

Recovery includes not only recover from their mental illness or substance abuse problem but from other unhealthy lifestyle choices. It is not the role of professionals to decide for our clients how they will live. Sometimes they make unhealthy choices. But they deserve the same care and advice about the dangers of unhealthy practices that other people receive. Long-term effects of substance abuse can increase mental health symptoms while impairing health.

Some things, like smoking cigarettes and abusing street drugs, are so high-risk any recovering person should consider giving them up. Recovery is not just about giving things up. It should also include positive steps to improve health and activity. Putting away the cigarettes may be a start on your efforts to create a new healthier and happier you.

Till next time, David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What’s the big deal if a therapist smokes a little dope? Ethical Loopholes Part 2

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Cannabis

Marijuana’s effects. 
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What if your counselor does drugs when they are off work?

The series on “Ethical loopholes and why these can strangle you” started in a previous post (last Friday) when I talked about the dangers of counselors talking too much about their clients and then violating confidentiality, this is a violation of most codes of ethics and illegal in most places. I also said there are three other ethical problems for counselors that may be affecting their clients. Here is part two – Counselors who are impaired by drug or alcohol use.

Is it OK to be a casual drug user? Can you just chip a little? Even if someone has a drug problem, should that keep them from working a job?

I think this depends on what that job is and for counselors and therapists, this should be a no.

There are times when working with a client that I do not focus first and exclusively on getting that client to stop drug use. When working with a suicidally depressed client, this is not the time to talk stop smoking, or even about giving up weed.

That is the old approach and it did not work. We used to tell the mentally ill that they had to stop all drugs for 30 days before they could get mental health treatment. Clinicians did not want to diagnose clients until they had a period of sobriety. So they referred them to substance abuse treatment first. The substance abuse treatment provider then refused them saying they were too mentally ill for drug treatment until they got their mental health symptoms under control So the client got ping-ponged back and forth.

The new process is to treat both problems at once and to “meet the client where they are” so if they are not ready or do not want to quit we work on the things they do want to change. So far I am good with this. I believe that any clinician worth their salt substitute can do an adequate assessment on someone who is using, you may have to catch them at a lucid moment but it can be done.

So we help clients work on what they want to work on. But here is where there is a two-part ethical trap.

In being willing to work with clients who are still using we can cross the line into saying that their drug use is OK and that they are entitled to keep doing it. I think we let the client down when we do not at some point mention that their drug use may be causing some of their mental health symptoms and encourage them to stop.

This danger, that accepting their drug use and working with them as they are can turn into advocating for their right to continue to abuse substances.

I am not an advocate of trying to help an airline pilot control their recreational drug use or alcoholism and still keep flying.

The ethical problem for counselors.

Once you begin to advocate for your client’s right to keep getting high and working it is a short hop to thinking that it is OK for the therapist to use and get drunk as long as they do it on their own time.

At what point does this “harm reduction” philosophy move over into it is OK for the therapist to use?

Can you smoke the night before and sleep it off? What if you come to work and are high? What if you come to work and have a hangover?

It is my belief that counselors who started out advocating for the client’s right to keep using can cross the line into being impaired by drugs and alcohol on a regular basis.

Those therapists do not usually get caught because they come to work impaired. They can often hide that. But every time I get my professional magazine it seems like there are more listings for therapists, psychologists, and counselors who got arrested did something violent or delusion while under the influence.

Guess what? Licensing boards do not say “He was off work so the DUI does not count.” Impaired professionals get their licenses suspended or revoked.

Starting to make exceptions for when it is OK to keep on drinking and using includes the risk that the professional will pick up.

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen substance abuse counselor’s crash and burn when they picked up again.

Therapists seem to be able to hide it a lot longer but once they stick their head through that ethical loophole and think that it is OK to abuse substances occasionally when they are off work, then becoming an impaired professional is just around the corner.

Oh my, the word counter is blinking at me again. Seems I have gotten worked up and written more words about this ethical issue than I had planned.

In a future post the dangers of counselors and therapists making exceptions to the “dual relationship” principle.  Getting to be friends with clients and doing things other than therapy with them can hurt clients and therapists. We also need to talk about that sex with counselor thing but we have saved that for last. See you again next time.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Which you is the real you? Life Roles

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Hats

How many hats do you wear?

On the stage of life, we each play many parts.

One way we get confused about who we are deep down is the way in which we play many roles in our lifetime, sometimes in the same day. Each and every one of these you’s is the real you even when they can be quite different.

Changing those roles may feel like an actor changing their costume. Roles each come with an imaginary role hat. People in recovery may find it difficult to move from role to role while maintaining their recovery.

We are all children with parents. Even when we reach our senior citizen years, if our parents are still living we will continue to be our parent’s children. For some of us, this is a good thing. For others of you, you would prefer to not fill that role but somehow after one short phone call, we can get right back into the feelings we had as small children.

Five minutes after getting off the phone with your parent you can be yelling at your own child. You are now in the parent role. While these two roles are very different both are the real you. But your roles don’t stop there.

We also are partners or ex-partners or about-to-be-partners depending on the state of our romantic relationships at the time.

We, many of us, also have work roles. Even those who do not work at paid employment may have “welfare recipient” roles that require you to attend sessions and do various activities to continue to receive your assistance.

The critical factor here is to keep your head straight on what your role is now, in this minute, and to be able to meet all these various role requirements.

Recovering people struggle to keep their roles separate. Yes, you are a person with depression, anxiety, or substance abuse issues but you still need to fill those parent, child, partner roles also.

Your disorder does not define you and neither does those other roles.

Learn to be able to slip from one role to another. Remember to change your role-hat when you need to move from recovering person to employee or parent.

Learn that the you that is present when your depression is troubling you is not the same you that will be present when the depression lifts. Accept all these many you’s with equal love and caring.

Realize that sometimes a very small trigger can move you from parent-you to child-you or from loving partner to an angry spouse.

Each of these roles may require different traits. You need to be an affirming parent at home but may need to be a stern boss at work.

The more easily you can comfortably move from one role to another all the while being the real you the better you will adjust to life’s challenges.

The more skills you develop, the more easily you will be able to move from role to role without feeling overwhelmed or being a fake you.

Sometimes these roles may conflict and the challenge is to keep all these roles in balance without them overwhelming the other you’s.

The skills you may use when a part of a group may be very different from the skills you will need for those times in life that you are alone with only yourself.

How many roles do you fill each day and how do you manage to move between roles that require different skills?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How much motivation is in your tank?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Don’t run out of motivation before you reach your destination.

How much motivation do you have? One mistake we tend to make is to think of motivation as an all or nothing characteristic. It is not true that some people are motivated and others are not. In fact, we find that levels of motivation ebb and flow.

If you have ever found yourself driving along a lonely stretch of road and looked down at the gas gauge to see you are getting low, you know the feeling of anxiety that comes with running out of the resource you need to complete your journey.

Motivation is like that gasoline in your tank. None of us has an unlimited supply of motivation and even the most motivated can run out from time to time. The size of our motivation supply may vary but the most successful people also know all the places to stop to refill their motivation.

At the beginning of most novel tasks, we can all summon up some motivation. Unfortunately, many of us run out of that motivation before we reach our goal.

The way in which your motivation tank gets filled up also makes a difference. Some people are highly self-motivating. They are able to refill their own motivation tank. Others need lots of external motivation.

Students, especially college students are particularly prone to lose motivation. This running out of motivation in your tank has been particularly well studied in college students.

Every year college fills up with hoards of students anxious to get an education and find a new better-paying job as a result. They struggle through registration, sometimes standing in lines for hours to add classes that were full. Books are bought and studying commences. From the long lines and the patience of these students, you would be tempted to believe that they were all highly motivated.

But between that first week and the third something happens. Some find they are going to have to work to pay for their tuition, others are tempted away by the immediacy of a job, usually a low paying job but it is a source of income. Some decide that they may want a degree but they don’t want to attend classes or do homework. At this point, students are starting to disappear.

By the semester midpoint, the class has shrunk. Those students who remain are in for the duration. Dropping a class is no longer an option. This group looks like a highly motivated class. Then something happens.

We find that even the most motivated students begin to slack off.  It is difficult if not impossible to hold that same level of motivation for a full semester. The effective students do their papers early while there is still some motivation in their tank.

Over breaks some students do things that are positive, they rest and replenish their motivation. They will return towards the end of the semester ready to jump in and run the distance to finals. A few students never get their motivation back. The process repeats semester after semester. Some students are able to get refueled on motivation enough times to reach the finish line.

Something else also happens here. Frequently we see a decline in motivation within the same student from semester to semester.  At the onset, they are motivated by wanting to master their subject and become proficient in their future occupation. By the last semester of school, many students are now motivated only to do what is needed to finish school and get that degree.

A significant number of students complete the degree so devoid of motivation, so tired of their field of study that they may never work in that field.

There are two takeaways here. If you want to keep up your motivation to accomplish something, you need to be able to break that task up into sections so that you can reward yourself for completing each section. You need to find ways to replenish your motivation. The other thing you need to be sure of is that you have looked down the road sufficiently to be sure that if you keep up this motivation when you get to the goal you will really be in a place that makes you happy.

Let’s see what else we can do this month to crank up our motivation. Anything that especially motivates you over the long haul? Care to share about that motivation?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Taking stock of yourself. Posts about self-discovery

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self

Getting to know yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Here are links to posts about self-discovery and getting to know yourself.

I decided to post this list to help you find some of the past posts on this important subject. There will be additional posts on the topic of finding out “Who are you?” as we progress through the year.

Eventually, my plan is to pull all these posts together into a longer document, maybe even a book. Only time will tell. If you have other suggestions on how to get in touch with yourself, that old inventory process, feel free to leave a comment.

How sure are you about that goal?

Finding your Quest – what life challenge will define you?

Inventorying your baggage

What do you most want in your life?

Your autobiography as therapy

How heavy is your baggage – Unpacking your baggage

Would a Genie help? Happiness by magic

Who are you? Who do you want to be?

5 things you need to ask yourself about mistakes to avoid making them again

Are you original or ordinary?

Are you successful?

How did you know that? When and where we learn things matters.

Every day is April Fools’ Day when you are fooling yourself

Hope that helps.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

4 Ways liars get away with deceiving us

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Truth or lie

Separating truth from lies is hard work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do they get away with lying?

Ever wonder how chronic liars seem to get away with telling falsehoods while other people get caught when they say the smallest thing that is not totally true.

Here are some of the ways liars get us to believe their falsehoods.

They spend time getting our trust first.

A consummate liar will spend lots of time getting to know you, becoming your best friend, and building trust, all the time waiting for the chance to tell that one big one and get away with it.

Watch out for those who have had relationships go sour in the past and they always have a story to tell about how the other person after a long period of time did them wrong. They usually have not resolved that misunderstanding but have cut that person off.

The chances are that no one is all good or all bad and if this person has a long string of being treated wrongly there is some part they are playing in this. Be wary of someone who is not able to admit that they played a part in past relationship failures.

We want to believe them

If they are offering something that sounds too good to be true it probably is. If they are making a special deal, just for us, we wonder why they are letting us have it. And exactly what are they letting us have.

The more you have an incentive for wanting to believe this person the more you let your guard down and the easier you make it for them to slide that whopper by you.

One way to prevent this is to be sure you watch out for any preexisting desire on your part to believe them. This results in you latching on to the things you want to hear and then tuning out the things that should have warned you that a lie was coming.

A well-crafted lie always needs to contain some truth.

Just because one of the facts you are told is rock solid you know it is true does not mean the rest of the story is accurate. Any good liar will know to embellish their falsehood with as much truth as can be crafted to fit around and conceal the lie.

The trick or treat method.

In this operation the would-be deceiver tells you lots of nice things, things you want to believe, things you think are true, and then as your guard goes down they slip in a whopper.

This technique works best if the chronic liar keeps up a high level of small truths and a relatively few large deceits.

These are only three ways we might be deceived but the repeat liar is likely to know all of these and more.

How have you played a role in letting others deceive you and how might you be more discerning in the future?

Best wishes on creating that happy life you deserve.

David Joel, Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

More problems for the children of Meth users

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs of addiction

Addiction.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Being around Meth users is bad for children.

Just read another study that reports on another problem for children of meth users. Like we needed another study to tell us that using Meth is bad for both parents and their children. We know Meth use is bad, just we may not yet know how bad and in what ways. Still, this study caught my eye for several reasons.

This study looked not at Newborns but at toddler age children of Meth users. It found parental Meth use affected these toddlers in some ways we had not looked for before.

These kids show an abnormal stress response. This will have an impact on these kids for the rest of their lives.

We have long known that the mother’s drug use during pregnancy can and does affect the child.

Alcohol is the easiest case in which to see this. We started out thinking that above a certain point alcohol could damage the fetus. For a long time, we talked about safe levels of alcohol use and how much alcohol consumption did it take to result in “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”

This concept, that some was safe and you had to drink a lot to harm the fetus, has been modified as we found problems in children whose mothers drank smaller amounts of alcohol and still those children showed long-term problems. We now referred to these problems as “Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder” in recognition that any alcohol can affect the unborn child. We also now believe that high blood concentrations of alcohol on anyone drinking occasion, known as binge drinking, can result in damage even if the pregnant woman drinks moderately or not at all. Binge drinking harms both the mother and the unborn child.

What does this have to do with children of Meth users?

For one thing, we believe that the brain of the unborn child is heavily influenced by the chemicals in the mother’s bloodstream. What damage is done depends on which of the various structures in the brain and nervous system are being formed when the mother drinks or uses.

The fetus is experiencing a higher dose of the drug than the mother because the liver of the fetus is not well-developed. The drug passes through the placenta to the fetus and then has to return to the mother to circulate through her bloodstream and eventually be removed by the mother’s liver.

My experience clinically, and there seems to be research that bears this out, is that mothers who used Meth during pregnancy have more children with long-term learning disabilities than women who abstain from drugs during pregnancy.

This brings into question if Meth and possible Cocaine affects the unborn what effects could other drugs have?

Mothers who use depressants like Heroin appear to have children with one set of learning and behavioral problems. Children of stimulant abusers have a different set of problems.

This makes me wonder what the risks are for the children of women who consume these highly caffeinated energy drinks.

We also know that many of these drugs have larger more amplified effects on the unborn if there is alcohol in the mother’s bloodstream. This is a case of 2 plus 2 being 6 or 7 when it comes to creating harm for the unborn.

Where this new study expanded our knowledge of the effects of parent drug use on children was the evaluation of continuing stress on the children who had been exposed to Meth.

What they found was that this combination of pre-birth exposure to Meth and ongoing stress in the family resulted in toddlers who had greatly exaggerated or changed responses to stress even when outside the home.

The implication here is that the cumulative effects of Maternal drug use and then stress in the mother or family’s life after the birth magnifies the problems for the child.

All this argues for the critical need for more drug abuse prevention and treatment for women during their child producing years and for treatment to help parents of young children cope with stress and provide a less stressful environment for the child.

We can help the mother at this critical time or we can plan on building more special education classrooms, jails, prison, and mental hospitals for these kids later down the road.

I know what I think the better and more cost-effective path would be, but I doubt that the people who pay the bills for treatment will see it that way.

Getting tough on sick people is a lot easier to sell than dollars for prevention.

Here is wishing for a better and happier future for all of us and the children who come after us.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What will the therapist tell me about trust? Trust issues

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Trust.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

What if I tell my therapist that I have trust issues?

Here is what I tell clients with trust issues. I am not too sure just what others may say and would encourage both professionals and clients to leave comments about trust issues.

1. Trust is not an all or nothing thing.

The mistake we often make is we either trust too much, trust completely, or do not trust at all. There are plenty of friends that I trust, mostly, with some things, but I do not trust every friend from work with the pin number to my ATM.

Many people who say that they have trust issues have a habit of jumping into a relationship without getting to know the other person, and then when they are let down, they feel this person is not to be trusted.

This pattern of moving into over-close and trusting relationships too quickly sets you up when the other person is unwilling or unable to meet your expectations.

Be sure in getting into a relationship, any relationship, and that includes friendships, that you take the time to get to know the other person, and find how much you can trust them and about what subjects.

This does not mean that you need to eliminate everyone from your life that you are not able to trust completely 100%. If you cut all the people, who are less than total trustworthy you may find yourself very alone. There are days I don’t even trust myself completely, but I like being with me anyway.

2. People who tell you things may believe them.

People say things, they think they are true but what they say may still be wrong. People often say that others have lied to them and as a result, they can’t trust anyone. This often happens when someone in a new relationship repeats things that others have told them. They believe what they say, and they may just be trying to be helpful but if the “facts” they have repeated turn out to not be true the other person who acted on the basis of those facts is likely to feel cheated or deceived.

Consider that the person telling you this may be wrong or mistaken and check the facts before you take action based on what someone else has told you.

3. Counseling is a corrective emotional experience.

For this relationship, to be helpful, you need to be able to trust the counselor. If you don’t, you need to look at why you are having difficulty trusting. Remember that no matter how much you trust that professional there are limits to what secrets they can keep. If you tell them you plan to kill someone they will not keep your secret. If you talk about child abuse, they will probably be required to tell that also.

Trust in this, and any other relationship should build over time based on how the other person handles the things you tell them.

4. Remember that people, even professionals can make mistakes.

Generally, professionals are “trustworthy, ” but occasionally we find one that is not. They may take unfair advantage of you. Take your time to get to know them and then make your judgment about how much you can trust them and with what.

This extends to friends and relatives also. We often have competing loyalties. Withholding facts from one friend can seem like dishonesty. Telling that person can violate the trust of another person. In romantic relationships, we tend to trust a lot when we want things to work. Later when the relationship goes sour, and that partner tells someone else our secrets we will feel betrayed and that our trust has been violated.

5. Most people have trust issues for good reasons.

The reason you have trust issues may well be that you trusted someone too much in the past and they let you down. If you have an experience in life of having your trust betrayed it is reasonable and normal to have trust issues with that and related issues in the future.

Remember that some people make a habit out of lying. They get what they want by not telling the truth. People in an active addiction get their needs met by misleading others. Sometimes the person you believed has lied so much it has become automatic behavior.

Consider who you are trusting and do they deserve your trust. Especially be cautious if this person has violated the trust of others in the past. What makes you expect to be the one person that they tell the truth to?

6. People who are not trustworthy often find it hard to trust others.

The person who tells me they are suspicious that their partner is cheating and who wants me to find out what others in their family are up to is often the person who has cheated or has done other things they do not want the family to know about.

If you are dishonest, it makes it harder for you to trust others.

Build your ability to trust by following these simple rules.

1. Pick people who are generally trustworthy.

2. Get to know them and build trust with them gradually watching what they do with little secrets before disclosing larger ones.

3. Make sure you are trustworthy. The old saying goes it is hard to con an honest person. Liars set themselves up to be deceived.

4. Make sure you are able to trust yourself most of the time. When you let yourself down be quick to forgive.

Here is hoping that you are able to overcome your “trust issues” and begin to trust yourself and others in appropriate ways.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel