Category Archives: Self Help

Finding your perfect job

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Filling out a job application

Job application.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What kind of job would you most like to do?

Looking for work in the best of times can be frustrating; in times of high unemployment, this becomes a horrific task.

There are some things that can help you do better at finding that job and result in a job you might truly enjoy showing up at.

Are you looking for a job doing anything?

You are in the largest possible group of job seekers. Look in the newspaper – under “anything” do you see any jobs listed for people to do “anything?” I don’t see any. If you really want to find a job you need to get a whole lot more specific.

How do you narrow your search and increase the chances of finding a job?

Consider getting help from a career counselor. Career counselors help people find jobs they also help you plan careers. In many areas, Professional Counselors or Clinical Counselors are trained in job placement in addition to their other duties. I do some of this work, especially when seeing co-occurring disorder clients. If you can afford to pay for career counseling think of it as an investment in your financial and emotional future.

If you can’t pay for career help right now, look for online sources, many of which are free. Also, investigate the services of governmental agencies and nonprofits in your area. Some very good suggestions can be found at those free services.

There is a difference between jobs and careers. One puts money in the bank now and pays for food but it may not lead anywhere. A career should have a path that takes you to more responsible and better-paying duties. One is not automatically better than the other though I encourage clients to think in terms of careers.

For today you may need a job to keep the bills played but eventually what career will you really want to do and how will you get there?

One job selection theory (Holland Self-directed search) thinks of jobs in terms of 6 basic functions. Figure out which type of job you would like, maybe a combination of two or three and then look for a job that uses those skills you have or would like to develop.

Say you like working with your hands. You might get a gardening job working outside mowing lawns, or you might become a trained landscape designer. More training, more pay, but it may still involve the same field. Or, still working with your hands, you might get trained as a diesel or aircraft mechanic.

Which gets paid more? The guy who puts tires on your car or the guy who fixes a jet engine? More specialized training and you get more money.

Another skill is working with people. You can work in fast food and say “Want fries with that?” or you can get a master’s degree and become a therapist. Either way, you work with people, but one pays more than the other.

So think about the various jobs you have had, which did you like best? Then look for ways you could do that sort of work but get a degree or advanced training and advance to having a career.

There are things that get in your way when you are looking for a job. What if you have a mental illness or a history of substance abuse? What if you have been convicted of a felony?

Coming up soon in this jobs-as-a-way-to-create-your-happy-life series are posts about those two problems.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

That Jobs thing – Is anybody working?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dream job sign

Dream job.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do we have a system where people can’t work?

The questions and queries about work and recovery keep showing up in the search terms.

Can a mentally ill person work?

What kinds of jobs are suitable to employ the mentally ill?

How can a person in recovery find a job?

How can anyone find a meaningful job that pays enough to live on?

What is the difference between a job and a career?

Looks like most everyone is unable to work anymore. We read that the disabled can’t work, despite the Americans with Disabilities Act. More and more people are being discouraged from working. A lot of non-disabled people are getting discouraged from looking for work also.

Everyone seems worried about the mentally ill. They can’t be trusted to work. This despite the fact that they are us. In their lifetime half of all Americans will experience an episode of a mental or emotional disorder. Other countries may have slightly lower rates, but not that much lower.

The only jobs available to the majority of people who have experienced an episode of substance abuse are to become professional inmates in our jails and institutions.

Those of you who have read my blog before should know that I am a firm believer in recovery. People with grave mental and emotional disorders do recover. That includes substance abuse and yes Virginia, which includes people with Schizophrenia.

The idea that because you are knocked down once means that you forever need to stay down is not one I am buying into.

People with mental illness can and do recover.

One major vehicle for recovery is jobs. Nothing so increases a person’s self-esteem as finding a job that makes them feel useful. For some that is volunteer work, but for many, this is the ability to engage in paid employment.

Those employers who know the value of good mental health include that coverage in their employee benefits. Soon it will become mandatory for most plans to cover some level of mental health treatment.

What we don’t need is a system that traps people in “hopeless programs” and penalizes them for seeking to become meaningfully employed.

Over the next few weeks, I want to put up some posts on the whole subject of work and how you – that includes most all of you – can find meaningful employment. We also may need to tackle the question of why if you accept government aid when you are not working they seem to want to discourage you from ever working again. (That is political I know, but we gotta talk about it anyway.)

So from time to time, I will try to put up some posts on this whole jobs issue.

I noticed that a lot of you read this blog Monday through Friday. I hope you have not come to think of reading my blog as your primary occupation, flattering as that would be. If you are reading this blog at work I suggest that you read it on your lunch hour or breaks but that is your call. Feel free to recommend counselorssoapbox.com at any time of the day or night.

Starting next week I will try to work the series of posts on Jobs, Careers, and recovery into the stream of posts. Stay tuned for those posts. Thanks for reading.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Motivational March

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation.

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Getting yourself and others motivated.

Motivation is a major concern for many of us. How to get motivated, how to stay motivated, and how do you really translate motivation into results.

Whether you have a diagnosed mental illness, a substance abuse issue, or just want to have a more effective and fulfilling life the role of motivation is an important one.

We spent January tidying up some issues related to happiness, what it is, and how you get more. We have also spent some time on ways to take a good look at yourself and your situation and make some decisions about where you are and where you are going.

A list of some of the major posts on getting to know yourself and self-inventory can be found at, Taking stock of yourself.

During February we talked about the role of feelings in your life. There are times feelings can be beneficial even when at the time having to feel them is uncomfortable. We also looked at Alexithymia, that inability to know what you are feeling and to name the feeling.

A list of some of the Feelings February posts can be found at List of Feelings Posts. 

While the major theme this month has been motivation there were some detours as certain mental health issues require addressing. More on motivation and becoming the person you want to be will appear during future posts.

Here is hoping Motivation March was helpful and as always your comments on how you experience these topics are welcome. Please keep your comments on topic and positive. Particularly negative comments may not be approved or may be deleted.

Some past posts on Motivation are listed below.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Emotional Chameleon or naturally empathetic?

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By David Joel Miller MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional chameleon.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you soak up other’s emotions like a sponge?

If you find that the way you feel changes when you are around certain people you may be an emotional chameleon.

Emotional chameleons have difficulty identifying what they feel and as a result, they are at risk to assume the feelings of those they are around. They were feeling fine when they entered the classroom but within a few minutes, they have adopted the sad feelings as well as the behaviors of someone who came to class depressed.

We are all affected by the feelings of others around us but the emotional chameleon is unaware that they are changing emotional states throughout the day as they move around others and adopt the feelings of those around them.

Be careful who you hang with, you might catch their emotions as well as their behaviors.

Some people are naturally empathetic. That is not the same thing as an emotional chameleon. The empathetic person can see and sense what others around them are feeling. The can understand what that person is feeling and behave appropriately.

Some people just are not good at empathy. Someone comes up to you and there are in tears, you might ask what is wrong. They tell you that a family member just died.

Someone with low empathy might make a joke about the funeral home should be running a two for the price of one sale with all the deaths going around. A more empathetic person might respond with some conversation about how this person was handling the loss and how can we all be supportive. The emotional chameleon will start crying and tell this person all about the deaths in their family going back to the turn of the century.

Counselors are trained to be empathetic, that skill of being with the other person, and picking up on how they must be feeling. Humans have mirror neurons that help us understand what the other person must be feeling. This helps us to behave appropriately and promotes social connection if you pay attention to the other.

The empathetic person can understand what the other person is feeling without being swept away by the feelings.

Not so for the emotional chameleon. They quickly take on the feelings of others. It is as if they have no feelings of their own and they need to absorb other’s emotions to know how and what to feel.

If you find that you are particularly sensitive to other’s feelings there are several things that you can do to keep yourself grounded and avoid emotional contagion.

Learn to identify what you feel and distinguish this from what others around you are feeling. This process of work with feelings begins by noticing that you are feeling something, find the place in your body that you feel this thing. Next, identify that feeling. This means studying feelings and developing a vocabulary to identify them when you have them. Lastly, learn to vary your responses and behavior depending on what feeling you are having.

Having strengthened your own feelings system you will be at less risk of catching someone else’s emotion. The more you know about your feelings the better you will be at being empathetic and understanding what others are feeling without having to catch your feelings from others in order to feel.

This also allows you to be with someone who is having a negative feeling without having to take that feeling as your own and take it home with you.

Are you high in natural empathy or are you an emotional chameleon who is at risk to catch another feeling from someone else every time you change locations?

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Pretending to be happy?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How much effort does it take to try to be happy?

Are you one of those people who grew up trying to be happy, trying to look happy for a parent, for friends, or those around you? Were you pretending to be happy but you never really felt it?

After long periods of trying to be happy, of pretending so that you don’t make others sad, you lose touch with how you really feel.

You may have despaired of ever really feeling happy. Happiness for you was something you faked for others, but deep down inside you never really felt it. You began to wonder if you would ever genuinely feel happy the way others appeared to experience it every day.

For this effort to try to feel the way you should, the way others tell you that you should feel, you pay a high price. You lose touch; become disconnected, from how you are really feeling. You begin to doubt that you will ever have a genuinely happy experience the way others do.

You may give up on happiness and opt for not feeling so much pain. You may use drugs or alcohol to numb out or you might disconnect from your feelings altogether.

One cause of this disconnect between your feelings and you, and there can be many causes, is those adults who did not validate your feelings. When you said you were sad they said you had nothing to be sad about. You began to question what you felt and what you should feel.

Most of us know what anger feels like. But you may have been told that it’s not acceptable to feel anger, so you tried your hardest to feel an approved feeling. Before long you need others to tell you what it is you are feeling as you struggle to feel the way you should feel, rather than the way you do feel.

Some of you gave up on the idea of feeling happy or content or accepted. Those positive feelings were beyond your reach. You opted instead to avoid feelings and to try to feel the way those around you told you to feel. You may have thought that you would never get there and tried to accept your lot as one whose role was to make others happy, not to find those feelings for yourself.

Over time this trying to feel the way you should and the denial of what you are truly feeling in favor of pretending to experience the feelings others ascribe to you, these behaviors extract a heavy price. You become increasingly disconcerted from feelings and your inside becomes empty.

There are solutions. You can find happiness. Acting in happy ways, doing things that you find enjoyable can help, but only if you stop pretending and let yourself feel what it is that you truly feel.

The road to happiness runs through you. It requires getting to know you, that fearless and patient path of self-exploration. Finding happiness also requires developing a palate of feelings that bring the color back into your life. With the joy and pleasure, there will also be some pain and discomfort. But accepting that this is a real life and sometimes you will not like it is part of finding out who you are.

Be very cautious when other people tell you who you are, especially family members and those misery-loves-company friends. What they say is only their opinion. You do not have to create the things they tell you.

Other people’s opinions of who you are and what you should feel are things they hand you, nothing more. Like things that they might pass to you in a restaurant, some are worth eating and some are already destined for the garbage. You don’t have to keep everything you are handed in the restaurant for the rest of your life. Some of it goes in the trash on the way out. Some things you use for a while and leave behind. Let other’s opinions of you be like something they pass to you over dinner. You decide if you want this or you will trash it.

Some things others tell us, like a napkin given at the dinner, may indicate they have seen a part of us that needs cleaning up. If two or more people tell you that same thing you may need to look at this part of you. Think about this for a while and see if they are right. But just because they hand you a napkin to wipe the ketchup off your face does not mean that you will have a dirty face forever.

Consider that you determine who you want to be and how you will get there. Along the way you are entitled to feel and think anything you want, as long as you don’t try to impose those thoughts on others.

Get to know yourself, accept yourself as just fine the way you are, but with the potential to be and do more, and you will find that you just might discover that true happiness, the kind you do not have to fake for anyone, around the next life corner.

Are you ready to stop pretending to be happy and begin the hunt for a life worthy of the person you can become?

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

5 motivation skills you should learn

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation.

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Attitude will only get you so far – you need skills to stay motivated.

When people talk about motivation we hear a lot about some people having motivation and others not having it. Having a positive, motivated attitude is good, but that will only take you so far.

To get motivated and stay motivated you need some skills and these are abilities you can learn. Research suggests that simply wanting something is not enough; you need to develop the skills needed to make those dreams a reality.

1. Self-motivated people challenge themselves.

People who are high in motivation have learned how to learn new things. To them, a new situation is a challenge they know they can overcome because whatever information is needed they believe they can acquire it.

Self-motivated people seek out these challenges because they have the belief that if they try something they can accomplish it. This belief is built up over time by trying small things and being successful at them.

Self-motivated people may like applause or recognition from others, they may enjoy the money or recognition that comes their way, but they also are extremely pleased when they are able to do something that they have set out to accomplish.

2. Motivated people make a consistent effort.

Sprints won’t win any distance races and life is essentially a long-distance race. Being highly motivated one day and getting a lot done pales next to the person who day in and day out does a little of what is needed to get the task done.

Lots of people start new projects, new businesses, schools, or relationships, but they fail because they think that you can do it all in the beginning and then no more effort will be required.

To be successful you need to keep doing a little or more every day, whether you feel motivated or not.

Do some work on your goal and it will produce motivation, not the other way round. Every writer hears the way to write is to sit with your rear in the chair and pound some keys. Eventually, you will get something done. The rest of life is like that also. Do a little each day and watch the results add up.

3. Manage your time.

Enough time for that great achievement will never come. Big projects get done one step at a time. Motivated people create a time budget just as they create a money budget. Each day includes some time for working on reaching your goal.

Don’t wait till you have extra time to write that book or start that business. Begin doing the footwork now. If all you have is thirty minutes a day, spend that on moving towards your goals and see what progress you can make.

4. Have a plan to reach your goal.

Great achievements rarely happen by accident. Yes, motivated people can make good use of opportunities when they appear, but they recognize those opportunities because they are already on the path to their goal.

Any achievement becomes more probable when you can break the task up into small steps and work on a little step each day. Make a plan and keep on the path towards your goal.

5. Continue to monitor your progress towards your goal.

If you follow a bad map you can get really lost. Some of us created plans for our lives and left steps out. This does not mean your life needs to be a failure. Any good plan needs frequent monitoring and revision. Keep an eye on the goal but keep checking your map to make sure you are headed in the right direction.

Work on these five skills and you will become a lot more motivated and can keep that motivation strong over the long course of life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

List of Feelings Posts

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Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Here are some of the past posts on feelings and emotions.

Some of you have told me that it is hard to find past posts on a particular feeling. Here is a list of some of them as I find more I will add them. If you notice a post on a particular feeling, mine or another blogger’s, which has been helpful please leave a comment.

Anger – Why Controlling Anger does not work

Anxiety – Fear, anxiety or phobia?

– Nervous constitution or Anxiety disorder?

              – How to turn anxiety into paranoia

Communication –

Contentment – How far is it to Contentment?

Empathy –  Emotional Chameleon or naturally empathetic?

Fear – Fear, anxiety or phobia?

Guilt – Guilt and Shame

Happiness – Pretending to be happy?

– Happy Enough to make your bed? 

Hope – Hope is contagious

Listening – Learning to hear – Do you need to relearn?

Love – Model for unconditional love – your pet

Nervousness – Nervous constitution or Anxiety disorder?

Pain – When Mindfulness makes you feel worse – about pain

Paranoia – How to turn anxiety into paranoia

Perfectionism – Perfectionism – good thing or bad thing

Shame – Guilt and Shame

Trust – What will the therapist tell me about trust? Trust issues

Worry – Why worry may not be a bad thing

How many feelings do you feel? The feelings problem  

That seems to be most of the feelings posts – for now. But we will need to talk more about these and other feelings again in the future.

Hope you are all making progress on your recovery from whatever you see as your challenge and are moving forward on your journey to a happy life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

How to Build a Successes Machine – The technology of success

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Build a successes machine, turn the crank, and out comes another goal accomplished.

How do successful people do it?

Ever meet one of those people who are able to accomplish most anything they set their minds to? They are able to reproduce their successes project after project. I am not talking about the Bill Gates and Steve Jobs; knock one out of the park kinds of success. For that, you need not only ability, but a great idea and some good timing helps.

What I am talking about is that person who is more successful than most. They are the people in the next cubicle or down the block who seems to get a lot done, accomplish their life goals, and manage to be happy doing it. How do those people do it?

They have built a success machine and they are able to repeat those accomplishments over and over. Want to know how to build yourself a success machine? Here is how you train yourself to improve the odds that your next effort will work out the way you wanted it to.

1. Doing your homework increases success.

People who repeatedly accomplish things don’t go off half-cocked. They have done their homework and know which things have a chance of working and which don’t. They don’t jump into doing things because they want them to be possible. No wishful thinking here but sound research.

This does not mean they go along with the crowd. They evaluate things for themselves, do their homework, and once they have the facts make their own decision. They get noticed because they made the effort to check out an opportunity that other people overlooked.

2. Create a plan for success.

Good results do not happen by chance. People who get a lot done have plans; doable, well-researched plans. They also have ways of measuring outcomes and monitoring their efforts to see if they are on track. This does not mean they give up every time they get behind schedule but they do know if they are headed in the right direction or not.

For most projects, these plans are written out in some detail. They have budgets for both time and money and they have criteria for evaluation.

3. Break that success plan up into manageable steps.

Getting out of debt does not generally happen because you get a sudden windfall of money. It happens a few dollars at a time. The same thing holds true for other life goals.

Want a new better-paying job? There will be a series of steps you will need to do to get from where you are to having that job. Do them one thing at a time and if your research and planning were done well then you have a good chance of landing that big one.

4. Don’t set yourself up for failure.

One major cause of failure to get things accomplished is trying to do too much too fast. You decide to go back to school for a new degree, get a new job, lose weight, and get in shape all in the same month.

All of these things are good goals. Over time you can get there, but trying to do too much at one time sets you up for failure. You won’t do well in school if you are out exercising. It is also hard to concentrate on exams if you are looking for a new job.

Break these projects up into small manageable steps. Make small changes in your routine.  Monitor your progress and switch your emphasis to the next phase as you finish each thing.

5. Keep on the path to where you are going.

Excessive, frequent changes in goals are likely to undo all the effort you have made. Spend time evaluating goals before you start on the journey. At some point, it helps to recheck those plans. Some people do annual or even monthly reevaluations. But don’t change those plans from day-to-day without a good reason.

Switching goals from day-to-day ensure that you will not be successful at anything.

6. Enjoy the trip towards your version of success.

People who enjoy the process of exercising lose more weight. Find a form of exercise that you enjoy, maybe walking, maybe join a softball league. If you want to eat healthier consider learning to cook healthier.

If you enjoy the subject you are studying you get better grades. And if you like this new career you are more likely to get hired and do well. They can tell in the interview if you are only taking the job because you are desperate and will plan to leave the minute you can.

Follow these 6 steps. Pick a small goal, do the process, and watch your progress. As one goal becomes a part of your normal routine add another until eventually, you can say you have built the life you want.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that happiness will come from having or accomplishing. True happiness is the result of the pride you will take in your progress along the way.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Going nowhere fast? When you want something and you’re not getting it.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Questions to ask – things to do when your dreams are not happening.

Some people seem to be able to make everything come their way. Others of us seem to keep struggling, the only thing coming our way is an oncoming truck. Here are some things to look at if you just can’t get things to happen.

1. How bad do you want it?

For several years now I have been saying I wanted to lose some weight. Every time the choice between exercising and sitting down to read a good book or write another post comes up – the weight loss goal losses out. I am just not that committed to losing the weight.

Motivation plays a role here and later this year there will be a series of posts on motivation, how you motivate yourself, and others. But no amount of motivational efforts will help if you just don’t want it enough to put in the effort.

2. Do you believe in yourself and in your ability to reach this goal?

This is really about two different things. Do you deserve to be successful? If you have doubts in this area you need to do some work on that issue. I believe that we all deserve success and happiness. What success means to you, that is a different question.

The second part of this is do you think that if you set out to accomplish something you will be able to do it? If you have doubts about your abilities, you need to get more skills training. Work with a good counselor or coach may help establish or improve the skills you will need to get where you want to go.

3. Have you identified your objectives, short and long-term?

Saying you want a more successful, productive, or happier life is a start, but we need to operationalize those goals. What will it look like when you get there? How will we know you are headed in the right direction? Are there any markers along the way that will tell us we are headed in the right direction?

4. Are you taking action?

All progress begins with taking action. You cannot succeed at something if you do not try. The first step in reaching more goals in your life is taking more action.

No one hits one hundred percent of the shots they take but you have to keep putting the ball up in the air to make any baskets.

5. Are you cheering yourself on?

People who keep telling themselves they can, they often do. Tell yourself that you can’t do this, that this will never happen and you create the failure. Are you urging yourself on or holding yourself back? Positive self-talk contributes to success, negative self-talk ensures failure.

The highly successful keep telling themselves they can. They also look at results that fall short of their mark as improvement opportunities rather than failures.

6. Have you learned the technology of success?

Success is rarely the result of some sudden stroke of luck. Some people do win the lottery but we have repeatedly seen winning does not produce happiness. There is a process for technology, involved in moving from wishes to results.

Learn the technology of success and practice it. Become good at reaching goals, small and large. More on the technology of success in a future post.

7. Keep on the success path.

People who are highly successful are “single-minded” meaning they are not easily distracted. They do not change goals frequently and they do not put reaching those goals aside on any kind of regular basis. They do keep reevaluating their progress, am I on track, am I doing what I need to do, and is this still something I want to accomplish?

Very successful people do reexamine goals and change them from time to time. They also may have several or many goals they are working towards. What they do not do is vacillate. They are either in or out.

8. Enjoy the journey to your goal.

If you hate the process, the things you have to do to reach a goal, then it is not likely to be meaningful when you get there. People who have the greatest success are working at things they enjoy doing. The more you like a subject the better you will learn it. The more you enjoy an activity the more likely you are to repeat that behavior and the better you get at it.

Sure every worthwhile endeavor involves some sacrifice and some difficulty. Remember the old saying “no pain no gain.” I think pain, in that sense, means effort and struggle, not suffering. People who are highly successful learn to enjoy the struggle as well as the result.

Is your life the way you want it to be? Do you have goals that are not coming to pass? How are you doing on goal setting, motivation, and creating your happy life?

David Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How much motivation is in your tank?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Don’t run out of motivation before you reach your destination.

How much motivation do you have? One mistake we tend to make is to think of motivation as an all or nothing characteristic. It is not true that some people are motivated and others are not. In fact, we find that levels of motivation ebb and flow.

If you have ever found yourself driving along a lonely stretch of road and looked down at the gas gauge to see you are getting low, you know the feeling of anxiety that comes with running out of the resource you need to complete your journey.

Motivation is like that gasoline in your tank. None of us has an unlimited supply of motivation and even the most motivated can run out from time to time. The size of our motivation supply may vary but the most successful people also know all the places to stop to refill their motivation.

At the beginning of most novel tasks, we can all summon up some motivation. Unfortunately, many of us run out of that motivation before we reach our goal.

The way in which your motivation tank gets filled up also makes a difference. Some people are highly self-motivating. They are able to refill their own motivation tank. Others need lots of external motivation.

Students, especially college students are particularly prone to lose motivation. This running out of motivation in your tank has been particularly well studied in college students.

Every year college fills up with hoards of students anxious to get an education and find a new better-paying job as a result. They struggle through registration, sometimes standing in lines for hours to add classes that were full. Books are bought and studying commences. From the long lines and the patience of these students, you would be tempted to believe that they were all highly motivated.

But between that first week and the third something happens. Some find they are going to have to work to pay for their tuition, others are tempted away by the immediacy of a job, usually a low paying job but it is a source of income. Some decide that they may want a degree but they don’t want to attend classes or do homework. At this point, students are starting to disappear.

By the semester midpoint, the class has shrunk. Those students who remain are in for the duration. Dropping a class is no longer an option. This group looks like a highly motivated class. Then something happens.

We find that even the most motivated students begin to slack off.  It is difficult if not impossible to hold that same level of motivation for a full semester. The effective students do their papers early while there is still some motivation in their tank.

Over breaks some students do things that are positive, they rest and replenish their motivation. They will return towards the end of the semester ready to jump in and run the distance to finals. A few students never get their motivation back. The process repeats semester after semester. Some students are able to get refueled on motivation enough times to reach the finish line.

Something else also happens here. Frequently we see a decline in motivation within the same student from semester to semester.  At the onset, they are motivated by wanting to master their subject and become proficient in their future occupation. By the last semester of school, many students are now motivated only to do what is needed to finish school and get that degree.

A significant number of students complete the degree so devoid of motivation, so tired of their field of study that they may never work in that field.

There are two takeaways here. If you want to keep up your motivation to accomplish something, you need to be able to break that task up into sections so that you can reward yourself for completing each section. You need to find ways to replenish your motivation. The other thing you need to be sure of is that you have looked down the road sufficiently to be sure that if you keep up this motivation when you get to the goal you will really be in a place that makes you happy.

Let’s see what else we can do this month to crank up our motivation. Anything that especially motivates you over the long haul? Care to share about that motivation?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel