Why is love so hard to find?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Feeling of love

Looking for love.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Everyone looks for love but not many find it.

Of all the topics to write about why love? Nothing comes up more in therapy that the subject of love. Despite all the books on love, all the love songs, and the poems about love, few of us seem to be able to find the love we are looking for. Why?

Love is big business. There are dating sites devoted to finding your one true love and books on how to attract that love into your life, but still, so many people are starved for love.

The 1960s were full of expressions about love, love generation, summer of love, love child. One quote from long ago seemed, to sum up, the problem with a shortage of love.

“How come half the world is crying when the other half is crying too? Why can’t we get it together?” I remember hearing that, something close to that, from Janis Joplin shortly before she died.

One of the Jefferson Airplanes most remembered hits – Somebody to love. Despite all the looking for love there still seems to be a shortage.

There are several reasons we can’t seem to find enough love is this life.

If you don’t know what you are looking for how will you know it when you find it? Many of the things we say we want out of life are in short supply for just that reason. In psychology, they have a term for this phenomenon – The expert effect. Sometimes we don’t recognize we have something until it is gone.

Possible if we all worked harder on loving others, not the lusting kind but the real caring for other people sort of love, we might be less hungry for love.

Where do you find love?

The greater problem, the reason love may be so elusive is that we have been misled about where love could be found. When we are young we think love comes from someone else. Parents love, caretakers love and the love of friends and associates these things seem to make us “feel loved.”

For many out there that “love” was contingent on doing or saying what that other person wanted from us. We began a lifelong search for someone who could love us enough for us to feel lovable.

The problem is confounded for those who learned to substitute sex for love. If you just had the right kind of sexual partner then you might feel loved. So we look for lovers and friends that can make us feel loved.

Humans are social creatures; there is no denying we need other people. But finding someone who can love us so completely that we will never feel unloved and unlovable again, that is a futile search.

The place we need to look for that fullness of love is the last place most people would ever think to search. If you are to ever feel really loved, you need to begin by loving yourself. For if you are not able to love yourself no other person will ever be able to fill you with love.

What if you are so far down that you can’t even love yourself?

That is the time we need to look for that higher power, that thing beyond ourselves and those other failed human relationships. Look for someone greater than yourself and by that, I do not mean some earthly person.

Some find that unconditional love in a religious institution or in a recovery or 12 step group.

A saying around those tables is that other recovering people will love you until you are able to love yourself.

You can’t fill up that love-shaped hole in your being by rushing around looking for the right person to love you. First, you need to learn to love yourself and feel worthy of love, and then you will be able to accept other’s love into your life.

Just my thoughts. What have you found out about solving this love shortage?

“Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is a blog? Why are you writing a blog?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

blog

Blog.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

So you ask: “What is a blog and why are you writing one?”

Probably 5 years or so ago, I asked a friend “What’s a blog.” Just recently she commented on one of my posts, an in-person comment by the way not an “at the end of post” comment. Seems she gets my blog delivered to her smartphone daily.

She informed me, back then, that a blog was a “Web Log” a sort of public journal where people talk about things that are important to them and hope those ideas are important to others. This intrigued me.

Finding that people I actually knew were receiving my blog, hopefully occasionally reading it, has me thinking about how I learned about blogs, why am I writing this one, and more importantly why people read these blogs. Clearly, for most of us, it is not about becoming rich or influenzal (Influential?) Bloggers keep hoping their post will go viral right?

Back then I kept running into blogs and occasionally reading about them on the internet. Mostly I seemed to be reading about how people made a lot of money blogging and how if I would just sign up for their program I to could become a world-famous advice-giver blogger. I almost added Blogs to my allergy list at that point.

I am clearly old school. Learning that a computer is something that fits on my desk, not a person to contract with took me some adjusting. But somehow I have learned a thing or two about blogs.

One reason I wanted to write a blog was that there were all these thoughts in my head and that I wanted to get them down on paper (electrons?) and hoped that they would be useful or of interest to someone else. Also, I want to write a book or two and all the writing sites say you need to have a blog and let people know what you are about if you ever want to get them to read your book. So I took the plunge.

Most of my posts are about substance abuse, mental health, counseling and therapy, and the whole recovery process. I wanted to share what I had learned about creating a happy life and about that journey.

The cool thing about this is that I get to write about what interests me and then see if any of you want to read that post. Sometimes I am really surprised. Things I thought were just an oh-by-the-way, have gotten a lot of readers and other posts, ones I worked on really hard, did not get many hits. Clearly, I am still learning.

Reader questions and search terms have gotten me thinking, made me do more research, and spawned some posts. I have learned a lot.

Learning the technology part has sometimes been painful. Anything labeled user-friendly should not include docs (documents) that are longer than a Tolstoy novel.  I am glad that I discovered WordPress since this site has been easier to use. They still have way more features than I will have the lifespan to learn to use, but it is nice to know that I could do more if I was so inclined.

If you who are from a post-big-war era find technical problems or care to make a suggestion please leave a comment. Just make your comment in intelligible English as I still have mastered only third-grade computer speak.

In the process of writing this blog I have read and subscribed to a lot of other blogs, some were really good ones and some not so good. Some blogs strike me as very uneven. One day they are so great and the next post is not so much. I think my blog has that same issue. Coming up with a new topic on a regular basis and then turning out a post takes time and effort and not everyone is a hit.

This blog (counselorssoapbox.com) is now in its third year with over 500 posts published so far. The book has turned into several books and they are all still works in progress. My current plan is to put more emphasis on the books as we head towards 2014 so I may have to miss posting a day or two on the blog.

So there you have it: What a blog is and why I am writing one. Any questions?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Therapists have therapists – Who do pastors and priests see?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Church.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Who is helping the helpers?

Therapists are encouraged to go for their own therapy. Rather than being a sign that there is something wrong with this professional, having someone you can talk to about your problems is recommended practice, and for good reason.

This got me thinking, wondering, which professionals who help others are encouraged to get help for themselves and who are too embarrassed, ashamed, or arrogant to get help for themselves.

Counselors need to have counselors. 

First, let’s talk about the counselor or therapist who goes for therapy, and then we will inquire about other professions.

Beginning counselors are encouraged to see another professional both as a part of the training process and ongoing after they are licensed. Being a helper is a stressful job and you would have to be pretty arrogant to think that once you become a professional you will not need to see someone for your own stuff.

Clients sometimes ask about this. I see it in the search terms from time to time. There is no reason to avoid a therapist who is going for personal counseling and in fact, we think this is a good thing. Many licensing boards feel it is so important that the counselor work on their own stuff that they allow us to count a certain number of hours of personal counseling towards licensure. This process is so important there is even a bonus of extra credit for some hours of personal therapy.

Many schools require counselors in training to go for their own counseling. Doctors see other doctors. Teachers take classes from other professionals and it just makes sense to take good care of yourself.

Drug counselors need help staying sober.

Substance Abuse Counselors have recognized this for a long time. They are at high risk of relapse by virtue of spending all day talking about drugs with their clients. Sponsors should have sponsors and therapists need to see another mental health professional.

In substance abuse counseling it is common, almost universal for the counselor to be in recovery and often they are still attending meetings.

Mental health staff needs self-care also.

What we do not hear nearly enough about is the number of mental health professionals who are in some form of mental health recovery. Our professional schools are still too under the influence of those Freudians who never self-disclose anything to anyone. But a whole bunch of mental health professionals has told me privately that they have struggled with or are in recovery from some mental illness or other. If not them then they have a relative or friend who has that issue.

Why else would you want to work in this field if you or someone you knew had not had to overcome an issue?

Incredibly that mental health professional who entered the field because someone helped them create a happy life, once they are in the field, becomes too embarrassed to talk about their own issues. Some have even been threatened with the loss of job or friends if they self-disclose this item. Peer counselors and members of self-help groups are at a special risk to think that having “fixed” themselves they can now stop working on themselves and just help others. This is a relapse waiting to happen.

If you work in this field, as a professional, a peer, or even a volunteer, you need to stay connected to a support system that can help your recovery and that may mean you need to continue to go to meetings or see a professional.

So what about other profession’s self-care?

It is Sunday, I wrote this on another day and scheduled it to appear later, but it is being posted on a Sunday. Which brings up the question – who – mostly works on Sundays?

The first thing that comes to mind is what about religious leaders?

One way of understanding churches and similar institutions is that they are hospitals for the spiritually sick. Many recovery programs include spirituality or religion as parts of the life that need to be included in your recovery plan.

So do religious leaders, pastors, priests, rabbis, Imam and so forth ever need spiritual guidance, or are those guys and gals that close to spiritual perfection? Far as I know there are relatively few perfect people on earth and the ones who think they are there, that they have arrived at perfection, they are at the highest risk of taking a wrong turn into thinking that they need to take over and do the job of being God.

Does anyone out there know – do pastors see other pastors? They can’t very well go to church can they, what with having to work every single Sunday.

I know that some denominations have a hierarchy and that the local pastor or priest has to report to a superior. Mostly that looks like running a business. How many viewers did your sermon get and how much was in the collection? What about real spiritual guidance?

Given the number of cases of child sexual abuse and the affairs of the clergy, one has to wonder. Pastors and Priests do, for the record, end up in rehab. We can’t tell you which ones. That is about confidentiality. It would appear that religious leaders have the same prohibition on self-disclosure therapists are encouraged to observe. They just seem able to hide it better than depressed psychotherapists.

What is up with us not wanting to admit that the caregiver sometimes needs help and that needing help sometimes does not disqualify you from being of service to others?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to fail –Getting F’s may be harder than you think

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure sign

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

All F’s are hard to get. Consistent repeated failure is harder than you think.

Every semester we who are teaching, have to put together a syllabus that describes the things the class will cover, what you have to do to get a particular grade, and the other things you need to know.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the rest of life came with that sort of clear directions?

How come we get a syllabus in college but not in life?

I have become convinced that many of the same factors that result in successes or failures in school also apply to life in general. There are certain things that will result in good grades and others that will result in consistent failure.

What surprises my students each semester is when I tell them that most of the time getting an F is more work than getting an A.

Here are things you will need to do to fail in school and these tips can help you fail in life if you so choose.

Drinking a lot of alcohol and doing a lot of drugs ensures failure.

Studies have consistently shown that the more drugs you do the lower your GPA. Drink enough and you will stop coming to class. Not showing up helps in your quest for failure.

There are lots of other escape mechanisms to let you run from your problems. Once you avoid a problem by using a crutch the problem gets bigger and you become more dependent on that crutch.

To avoid learning do not read the book or take notes.

Avoiding any new information assists in the art of failure. While you may not know enough to succeed you already know more than enough to fail.

This aversion to new knowledge can increase the chances of failure where ever you apply it. Jobs change so do relationships. The person who does not learn new job skills will become obsolete. The person who does not put anything into a relationship eventually finds the affection account has run dry.

Do not do the work and you are on the way to failure.

Work is an interference in the failure filled life. Do too much work and you might get something right. Those who do best at failure try the least.

Continue to insist that things should come your way by luck or as something you are owed. Never consider that effort could be necessary.

If by accident you did the homework, do not turn it in.

This is a sure-fire method for grabbing failure from the jaws of success. Leave the homework at home; keep that report in your desk until it is past the deadline. Never start anything until it is too late and you can avoid even the semblance of success.

If you do make some effort, minimize it, discount it, and avoid letting anyone see what you have worked on. In a failure filled life, it is necessary to keep your efforts a secret.

Miss as much class as possible; don’t show up for anything in life that matters.

Nothing so improves the probability of failure as to not be there when things are being done. Miss enough work and you will not need to come in anymore. Salesmen if you stop making calls you will be assured of a sales-free month.

Do not take any tests and you can’t ever pass one.

Avoiding any midterms or the final is a way to get the total points down below the passing level. Don’t show up for job interviews and you will not need to go to work. Avoid any evaluation and you will never have any big successes.

The consistent application of these principles will radically increase the chances you will have a life full of failure.

For maximum failure stop trying.

Still having a life full of deliberate failures may not make you a failure. To assure that you and others will consider your life a failure it is necessary to give up trying anything and everything and avoid all success no matter what the cost.

To begin to have a successful life do the opposite of these tips and begin to live your life by making the efforts needed to succeed. You might be pleasantly surprised how an occasional success can result in a positive attitude and that new improved attitude can result in a progressively longer string of success.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do several failed relationships mean?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family torn apart

Divorce.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do you have multiple failed relationships?

There are several things you should be looking at if you have repeated failed relationships.

Here are some possible reasons that this same thing keeps happening to you.

Take a look at this list and see if any of these applies to you. This may be your chance to learn a needed lesson.

It could be bad luck, maybe.

This to me is the least likely possibility. Sure it is possible that someone can have a bad outcome from an effort several times. But the more often things happen “again” the more we need to start looking at ourselves rather than blaming this recurrence on bad luck.

You get with people thinking you will change them.

This is a more common problem. You get with a new romantic partner thinking all they need is someone who cares about them and they will straighten up and go right.

Having a supportive person in your corner is wonderful, but if you have started thinking that this potential partner will suddenly change if you just love them enough you are headed for heartbreak.

Snakes remain snakes and addicts rarely give it up just because you want them to. Lots of us have capes hanging in the closet just waiting for the opportunity to become Captain-Save-a-bum.

Ladies if he cheated on his last partner or has multiple babies’ mama’s these are all bad signs.

Your incompatibility detector is not working.

In the early stages of courtship, we see what we want to see. The red flags and the bells and sirens are all there we just chose to ignore them.

If you do not invest a significant amount of time getting to know who this person is under normal, non-dating circumstances, you have no idea who you are getting. Despite having a host of bad experiences do you tend to keep doing it over and over? You know you do!

Can you spot the “perfect partner” across a crowded room? They never look or act so good when you get to know them up close. Make sure you checked this person out well.  You always need to allow for shrinkage and spoilage. Guys – expect her perfect figure to disappear in the light of reality.

You expect relationships to be easy or 50 -50.

No, 50-50 relationships do not work. It takes something like 80-80, to make it work. If both of you do not think you are doing more than your partner you will never meet in the middle.

If you are keeping score that is a bad sign also.

So very often we think we need to do all the work on the front end to catch that great person. Great partners are not caught. You do that and they keep trying to get away. They have to be nurtured and that means it takes more effort to maintain a relationship than to get one started.

You keep looking in the wrong places.

A very common scenario in counseling. The woman has been abused; he is an alcoholic or addict. She may have had a father who came from that mold. So she gets loose from this abusive man.

What do you think happens the day after the divorce?

Her girlfriends take her out to celebrate and they hit the club. That very night she meets this new – wonderful guy. A year later, now pregnant – again- she finds he is an alcoholic abusive cheater. What went wrong?

If you meet them in crack houses the chances are they are drug users. If you meet them over alcohol they may be already married to their bottle.

Where you meet people often tells you a whole lot about who they are and who they will become. I know there are exceptions but not every plant in the weed patch turns into a rose.

The problem is you-you need to work on yourself.

When you are sick, emotionally, or mentally, you tend to attract other people who have those same problems. Two people who have a mental illness can meet and have a great relationship.

What they need to do, for that to happen, is for both of them to work on themselves. As you get healthier you attract healthier people into your life.

You do not expect relationships to work.

You got into this relationship thinking it would be OK for now. If it didn’t work out you could always get a divorce. Start out thinking that way and you are highly likely to create those situations. This is extra messy if you thought this might end but you went ahead and had children with this person anyway.

Remember the rule, you can break up with a romantic partner but baby’s mothers and fathers are in your life one way or the other, for the rest of your life and beyond. How have you been doing in the romantic relationship department? Do you keep making the same mistakes – getting the same result over and over?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should your daughter’s therapist be talking to you?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

child

Child.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When should your child’s therapist include you in the conversation?

Sometimes the therapist should be talking to the parent and sometimes not.  Which is which and what factors are in play?

The child’s age.

If your child is 4 then yes, most of the time the therapist should actively engage you in the conversation and in participating in the process of therapy. You need to be a part of what is going on. You are with the child 24 /7 and you will need to do things to maintain any progress that is made in therapy. Mostly, if the child is young, the parent needs to be involved. Most of the work will focus on helping the parent to manage this child’s symptoms in the home environment.

When your child is older will the therapist talk to you?

What if your child is 44? Sorry folks, I know that you parents think of this person as your child, you care about them and want to help them. But once they pass 18 they get privacy and confidentiality. Unless they are severely disabled and you are their only caregiver it is unlikely you will be included in the conversation at all. Even then most of the conversation will stay confidential between the client and therapist. Your child will need to tell you what you want to know or you will not get the information.

Between four and 18 years of age the “including parents” part gets iffier. The older the child the less that parent will be included in the therapy.

The more the parent pushes to know every detail of what the child is saying in therapy the more this intrusion can interfere with making progress. As the parent pushes more to control the therapy we therapists also get progressively more suspicious.

I love it when the parent cares about their child and wants them to get well. But the parent who insists on being present at every session and wants to know everything that the child says and the therapist does – what is up with that?

Is the parent the solution to the child’s problem or the cause?

Most therapists have stories of parents who seemed overly interested in what their child said in therapy. One reason this happens is that the parent is the cause of the problem.

Parents who are abusing their children are afraid the child might talk about that abuse. Some parents have their own secrets they want to hide, drug use, alcoholism, criminal activity, all manner of things.

Even if the parent is not the proximate cause of the problem, the family’s situation may be what is making this child depressed. Most parents want the conversation focused on the child and they do not want any discussion of the domestic violence or other problem behaviors that take place at home. Some parents do not want the therapist to find out that one parent has been missing for a few years in prison or that there has been a whole string of step-parents.

When parents are present, or when the child thinks the parent will hear what they say, they don’t talk about the embarrassing things.

Most kids do not talk about the pressures to have sex or the urges when parents are present. They know what their parents have told them about drugs, alcohol, and sex. They also know what the parents are doing in these areas and that what parents say and do are often at odds. So lots of embarrassing things get left out of conversations when the parent is present in the therapy room.

The fear that the parent will disapprove or the risk of embarrassment should the parent know what is going on might keep the child from talking about things that really need to be discussed.

Even that fear of failing algebra may not get talked about with mom in the room. The kid knows mom will just rag on them to study more rather than hear that this fear of failing algebra is giving them test anxiety and making it harder to finish the test.

Therapists help families through role changes.

During those late teen years, the parent’s role moves from protecting the child to teaching them how to make choices and learn from their mistakes. Parents, if your teen’s problems are severe enough to need the services of a professional then you probably will not be involved in the discussion until the teen has worked the problem out.

One thing a therapist should do is help the teen work up the courage to tell their parents what is wrong. Sometimes we even facilitate the teen telling the parents embarrassing things.

Many a child is surprised to find that when they do work up their courage and tell the parent this secret, the parent is more understanding and supportive than the teen expected.

Lots of problems could be worked out if a family could just talk about the issues in a supportive; “we are all in this together” atmosphere. But for family’s who can’t do this or have lost the ability to talk with each other, there are professionals that can help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Will therapy work even if you don’t believe in it?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is therapy and how do you know if it will work for you?

Interesting question, this came in as a search term and that always gets me thinking about what was on the reader’s mind and what did they want to find. As a therapist, I believe that therapy works, sometimes, for some people, but at other times people tell me that they went for therapy and it did not help them.

Why does therapy sometimes help and sometimes not? Maybe this depends on what therapy really is. I think there are ways it works and ways it doesn’t.

Let’s try some similar questions and see if it helps understand this dilemma.

Does gravity work if you do not believe in it?

Most of us would say a conclusive yes; gravity always works, at least here on planet earth. So if therapy is a force that produces change yes it should always work regardless of whether you think it will or not.

Do cars work whether you believe in them or not? If you just hang around them, but because you do not believe in cars, you never get in one, then no for you, they will not work.

If you think that therapy is a process of change; then for it to work you will need to do some work.  If you do not do the work, your disbelief will prevent the process from taking you anywhere. Disbelief will keep you stuck where you are.

We know that you do not have to be a therapist for what you to do to be therapeutic. We even talk about therapeutic environments. So if you have supportive friends who can listen to you and help you think and talk things out, that might be therapeutic.

The most effective therapy occurs when you believe that the therapist wants to help you and you feel comfortable talking about your problems. The short answer is that counseling works best if the client believes it will. But like gravity, counseling or therapy can work for you if you just temporarily suspend your disbelief and give it a try.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

2013 Midpoint – Top 10 posts

Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

First 6 months of 2013 most read counselorssoapbox.com mental health posts.

David

David Miller. LMFT, LPCC

Can you believe it? 2013 is half gone? Seems like only yesterday we were talking about resolutions, goals, values, and what we might all do to have a happy life.

This year the plan was to aim to average one new post each day. No one has been more surprised than I that a new post has appeared every day.

The theme for this blog has been and will continue to be mental health, substance abuse, co-occurring disorders, and having a happy life.

Along that road to a happy life, however, you might define that, we have talked about a lot of other life issues, the senses, feelings, success and failure, and the like.

Always popular have been the posts around about therapy and counseling, can it help, can I trust them, what will they keep secret, and the like.

Posts on specific diagnoses, depression, Bipolar and the like, substance-related disorders, relationship issues, and parenting have also gotten some attention. For the balance of the year, we will try to fill in some gaps in the topics.

My aim is to cover things that might be helpful in your recovery, successes, and happiness. In that spirit, the goal, not quite a resolution, is to post another 180 items, roughly one per day. Forgive me if I miss a few days here and there, but I will try to make up for that with some extra answers to readers’ questions.

You can all help me out here by leaving comments or asking questions.

Here are the top 10 posts for the first 6 months of 2013, a few new posts are moving up the list but have not made the top 10 yet.

  1. How much should you tell a therapist?  
  2. Do therapists have to report a crime?
  3. Are you Hyperthymic?
  4. Do people really forget what happened when drinking? – Blackouts
  5. Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder
  6. Is nicotine a stimulant or a depressant?  
  7. Why can’t we forget the painful past?
  8. Which border is Borderline Intellectual Functioning on?
  9. What is the difference between depression and Major Depressive Disorder?
  10. Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder

Best wishes on your journey towards the life you want to be living.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is a therapist? What do therapists do?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why this word therapy might be confusing.

When I used to tell people I was a therapist they kept giving me blank stares. I got the feeling that they did not understand what I do. Personally, I tend to call myself a counselor more often than I call myself a therapist despite the fact that I am licensed here in California as both a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC45390) and as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPC15.)

One intern asked me why in so many blog posts I seem to use the word counselor rather than the term therapist. I think there are two reasons, I think of myself as doing more “Counseling” and the word therapist seems to need more explanation than the word counselor to avoid misunderstandings.

Both of these words can involve activities outside mental health. Lawyers are referred to as “counselors” for example. There are other professions, financial and lifestyle workers who get to use the words counselors or therapists when appropriately attached to some other description. What we need to do is prevent the term from becoming so generic as to mislead people.

What about Substance Abuse Counselors?

Substance Abuse Counselors also do similar work but they are restricted in most places to only working on the substance use disorders. Mental health issues are outside their “scope of practice” meaning the things they can legally do.

Correctly used both counselor and therapist should be part of a license title rather than standalone names, as in Licensed Counselor, Licensed Clinical Counselor, Mental Health Counselor or Marriage and Family Therapist.

To add to the confusion many School counselors or School Psychologists are often not licensed and work on issues surrounding graduation requirements, getting into college or school behavior rather than treating mental illnesses that are more common than previously thought among school students.

So how did mental health practitioners come to use the title of therapists?

Originally this term was psychotherapists. Many mental health practitioners, Marriage, and Family Therapists, for example, practice “applied psychotherapy.” This is a reference back to the time when most mental health work was being done by psychiatrists who did some form of talk work with their “patients.” Most of this work was psychodynamic or Freudian type work. Today most therapists do briefer more directive work and do not choose to emphasize the “psycho” part of the psychotherapist name.

What about other kinds of therapists?

Two types of therapists,  occupational and physical, get confused with the psychotherapists that do mental health work.

Physical therapists, as the name implies, work on the rehabilitation of the body. So if you are in a car accident and lose a limb they could help you regain your abilities, adjust to a prosthetic limb or strengthen remaining muscles. This is my understanding and if there are physical therapists out there who would care to add to that understanding feel free to leave comments.

That same person, grieving and depressed over the loss of the limb might also see a rehab counselor who would help them with the psychological adjustment to living without that limb. That rehab counselor might also help with career counseling to find that person a new job they could do despite the loss of a body part.

In California rehab counselors as well as Career counselors might elect to get licensed as Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors providing they meet the requirements for that license.

There are also people who function as “occupational therapists.”

This one still confuses me a bit. Per the Bureau of Labor Statistics “Occupational therapists treat patients with injuries, illnesses, or disabilities through the therapeutic use of everyday activities. They help these patients develop, recover, and improve the skills needed for daily living and working.” Most occupational therapists have master’s degrees and work in the offices of physical therapists.

So when I tell someone that I am a therapist they sometimes ask if I know of an exercise that will help their shoulder mobility. No, I do not. That is not the type of therapy that I am licensed to practice.

So has that cleared up the confusion? Or have I just added another layer of mud to the waters?

The point is that you need to be sure that the type of counselor or therapist you are seeing is doing the type of work you need.

Best wishes on your journey to a happy life. (I think of myself as a happy life therapist or counselor but can’t find that listed in any of the statute books.) I do try to stay well within my scope of practice.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do women only want one thing? Men think so

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Money.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do men tell me that the woman they were with only wanted one thing?

Men are convinced that women only want one thing. There may be some truth to this assertion; every good lie has a grain of truth in it.

Men are convinced that the primary reason women get into relationships is to get the man’s money. Women seem to be far more concerned about what a man makes and how much they will be able to spend than what kind of father he will make.

Some scientists and not a few feminists still assert that the primary needed characteristic for a mate and father should be his ability to be a good provider. The man does, after all, make a relatively small contribution to the creation of the child and he is more than willing to make those contributions multiple times with multiple women.

The woman, on the other hand, has to carry the child for about 9 months and then raise that child for the next 18 or so years. It makes sense for a woman to look for a man willing to make the commitment to stick around for all those years and one with the potential to carry his share of the weight.

Some women appear to be concerned not about getting a good provider but about picking a mate the same way they buy a lottery ticket. Pick the right man and I am set for life and will never have to do anything I do not want to do again.

The changing social landscape has changed a little of this, more women than ever can and do work and many do not want to be dependent on a man. There are also prenuptial’s that might limit the ability of the woman to cash in so big. Most of the time the man knows that he will still get the bill.

Men report with varying degrees of truth that the ex and kids are living in a nice house with a new man and still she is determined to squeeze every last cent in child support and alimony from him. This can happen even when the man is staying at the homeless shelter and child support has taken his driver’s license for not paying his ex.

When they were together she could work and help out but let the relationship end and this formerly loving woman will use the money as a weapon to punish this man as cruelly as possible.

Men tell me that should they fail to accede to the smallest request of this ex-partner or her new lover then they will be denied the chance to see their kids. This is frequently contrary to the court order but a crafty woman can find all sorts of ways to evade that order, schedule the trip to the theme park on dad’s weekend and then tell the kid’s dad does not care about them, he only cares about getting his visit. You can, of course, imagine a host of other scenarios.

This is a really bad idea, women. First, it is customarily contrary to the court order. Second, keeping your children from their dad can backfire. When they turn 18 they are off to meet, maybe even live with the dad you never let them know. You become the bad, selfish person in your child’s eyes. That love you were trying to guarantee by keeping the child from their father, your selfishness may cause you to lose that love. If you really love your children, almost all women say they do, then letting them have a relationship with their father is in the child’s best interest.

There is another reason for allowing your child to see their father. Men who stay connected to their children, who see them on a regular basis, are way more likely to spend money to help care for this child they love and know. But once you and the new father figure start playing house and you keep the kids from seeing their dad, what man feels inclined to support you and Sancho and still not get to have a relationship with those kids?

It looks like a really selfish woman who keeps her kids from this man she once said she loved and made these children with but still wants him to send money.

This punishing dad financially for the relationship is fairly easy to see in retrospect. The woman is angry. She wants revenge. But men tell me and so do women that the woman expected this to happen, even planned the relationship so she could maximize the payout.

Women have been known to consult a divorce attorney to see just what they can expect to get if they leave dad now. Then they stay a longer period of time; occasionally even have more children so they can maximize the payout. Some women seem to think of the relationship as their version of a pension. Put up with this guy as long as you have to and then when you can get the cash bail.

Is it any wonder these men think that all the woman ever wanted was a stream of cash flow?

Some women have said that they would prefer if their spouse lived somewhere else, another country preferably, and then just deposit the money in her bank account.

So women, is what men say true? Do you only want their money and if they can’t produce the cash then no sex and no love? Are you really aspiring to be the kind of woman who only had sex with this man for the money? You know what we call that relationship, and if that was your motivation, how do you feel about yourself now?

Are men right? Do women only want one thing – the money?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel