Tag Archives: Mental illness

Why looks matter.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

dirty hand

Want him cooking your food?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is it fair to judge others by the way they look?

Repeatedly I hear and read that we shouldn’t judge people by the way they look. I know people say that because I have said that myself. But the truth is that most of the time, most of us do judge others by the way they look and there just might be evolutionary reasons why we should go on doing it.

Men and women with tattoos or piercings say it is not fair that they do not get jobs because of their body art. In the 1960’s we said that about beards and long hair. Still, people judged anyone who looked different then and now.

Women complain that we judge women by their bodies and not by what is in their heads. Still, we, men and women, spend a fortune on trying to look good to attract and impress the other sex.

When you wander through the jungle it is helpful to seek out other humans and avoid non-humans like bears or lions and tigers. It is not just humans that do this. Birds flock together by species, looking for a mate, looking for protection.

Consider these times when you might want to judge someone by their looks.

You go for a first appointment with your new doctor. The person at the front desk is sipping on their beer and looks like a homeless bag lady. What is happening here? You get into the exam room and the nurse who comes in to take your vitals is wearing some torn, bloodstained scrubs. When the doctor arrives he has on an old sleeveless tee-shirt and some cut-off shorts. He has grease all over his shirt and hands like maybe he was working on his car between patients.

So how comfortable are you feeling now? From the diplomas on the wall, this person went to a big name medical school. Still, his appearance is not too reassuring. Is it fair to judge him by his looks? Are you willing to risk your life and your medical care to someone who looks like a part-time doctor and a full-time auto mechanic?

Lots of clients tell me it is not fair that they get judged by the way you look. But if you want a job at that bank you might want to lose that “but-wiser” tee shirt and the sagging pants for the interview.

Psychological studies tell us that people tend to like others who are like themselves. This is not specifically related to race. It applies to a lot of other characteristics.

Say you walk into a bar and you are wearing your favorite team tee-shirt. Everyone else in the bar is wearing the shirts for the other team. How safe are you feeling now? Want to hang out and give them a chance? Maybe. But consider that humans, like most other animals, are constantly looking around to see how others look and how they behave. Then we either copy those others or we leave. Staying and not conforming risks being attacked, verbally, emotionally, or physically.

Consider another example.

You move into a new neighborhood. All the kids there seem to be wearing red shirts. You take your teen shopping and they insist on buying a blue shirt. They say they love Navy Blue. So you give in. Then the problems start.

Gangs use clothing styles and colors to identify who is “in” and who is “out.” I am not saying this is right, but do you want your child killed in a drive-by just because they insisted that they wanted to wear what they wanted to wear, and others should accept them.

I am not endorsing this judging behavior, just that there are a whole lot of situations where you can and should judge people by how they look and rest assured that others will judge you that way whether you like it or not.

So if you want to stay safe or get that job, consider that sometimes you need to conform if you want to get along. The older we get the less satisfying it is to say others should or should not do something. I can’t change other’s attitudes but I can put on a suit and tie before that job interview.

Sometimes how people look can tell you a lot about who they are on the inside and whether you want to be around them given the choice.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When talk therapy fails – other learning styles

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Lessons of childhood

Child learning.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Not everyone learns things the same way.

Therapy is often conducted as if everyone learned in one way and only one way. In traditional therapy, we copy Freud, the client talks and the therapist listens. Eventually, the client says something, and then hearing their own voice they have this insight moment and suddenly they know what is wrong and what to do.

If only it was that simple. Sometimes just talking does not help everyone.

Several other methods of counseling have been developed to help those who learn or communicate best in another way. Unfortunately, those other styles of therapy do not always get the respect they deserve.

The three learning styles and therapy.

Some people are good at learning by listening to verbal directions. Verbal learns can reach decisions from listening to themselves talk things out.  Some people learn best by seeing things, they are visual learners. Some people need to be guided through the motions to learn. We call that kinesthetic learning. Some people learn best through a combination of methods.

While talk therapy may work well for verbal learners it is not always equally helpful if you have a different learning style.

Some people can’t find the words.

What if you can’t find the words to describe how you feel? There are a variety of reasons why someone would not be able to communicate about their experiences or feelings in words.

Young children may have been the victims of abuse or neglect; they may have grief or loss that is troubling them. What they do not have is the words to talk about those problems. That does not imply that a nonverbal person is not troubled by their problems.

People with a disorder on the autism spectrum may not be adept at verbal communication. Those who dissociate or are disconnected from their feelings have the same issue.

One method of working on those issues is to employ art therapy.  Art therapy does not mean the therapist and the client sit around and color or draw pictures. There is a reason for the art and it is therapeutic. The child who could not explain something bad that has happened to them can often draw a picture of that experience or of the feeling that event created. Once the picture has been drawn they can begin to describe the things they pictured. Amazing insights can develop as a result of using visual methods to supplement the client’s vocabulary.

Sometimes you can express yourself best by moving.

kinesthetic learners need to move and feel the situation.  One technique that I have used in a group setting is to have a client who is unable to describe how they feel about their family create a “family sculpture.” They make up a list of family members that we display on a whiteboard. Then other clients are asked to play the roles of those family members and positioned around the room. The client tells each “family member” where to stand.

The group then asks the client why each person is standing where they are. Clients discover that they always felt that one person was closer to them than another or that two family members stay apart from the rest and excluded them. This becomes a topic to talk about and sometimes exercises to do at home to improve relationships with those family members they saw as distant from them.

Other clients may find dance therapy or physical activity to be helpful in learning to understand and regulate their behavior.

Why other therapies?

The intent here is not just to engage in fun activities with clients as therapeutic as that can be, but to help the client to grasp their thinking, feeling, and behavioral issues in a way that fits their essential learning style.

To apply these alternative therapeutic modalities the clinical counselor needs to be trained in assessment and diagnosis of mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders.

For more on Clinical Counselors and the things you do please look at past posts on LPCC’s and check out the CALPCC (California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. website.

Two books that I find especially helpful in working with young children or less verbal adults are:

Windows to Our Children: A Gestalt Therapy Approach to Children and Adolescents by Violet Oaklander

The Healing Power of Play: Working with Abused Children by Eliana Gill

For the full list of recommended books check out the listings over on counselorfresno.com at Recommended Books 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

You’re creating your bad days

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5

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

People fighting

Bad behavior.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Bad days don’t just happen sometimes we create them.

There are days when bad things happen. There is an earthquake or a hurricane but that doesn’t always add up to a bad day. Sometimes in the midst of all the chaos that Mother Nature sends our way we can find the good in that day. Everyone lived, No one is seriously hurt, life goes on.

Sometimes the universe doesn’t send any calamity our way but we have a bad day anyway.

Ever had a day like that? Things should be going well. Nothing out of ordinary but somehow you hit every traffic light. At work nothing goes right, everything takes longer than it should and you hate every moment.

What if you were creating these “Bad Days?”

If you were to discover that you are creating these bad days would you be willing to do something new? You don’t necessarily mean to create bad days but if you are doing something that gives you this result, would you be willing to try something different?

If you have somehow learned to behave in a certain way and the result of that behavior, the actions you are taking, are creating those awful days then you have some choices. Anything you have learned to do can be unlearned.

You may have slipped into a habit that is causing all these difficulties. Habits are entrenched. We aren’t always aware that we are doing something in a habitual manner but if you start paying attention you can change those habits.

Your brain believes what you tell it.

What you tell yourself becomes the basis for your actions. You don’t have to say the words out loud but if you repeat that thought enough it becomes an automatic thought. Thoughts become beliefs and your brain does its maximum to make your beliefs a reality.

Your brain will make things go wrong if that is what you are expecting, it wants to please you. Say over and over to yourself that “I can’t do this” and all the energy will drain out of you.

Tell yourself that “I am going to have a bad day” and you create it.

On some level, we all know this stuff. You have heard about the power of positive thinking but you can’t bring yourself to disregard those feelings that you are having that today is going to be a bad day. The more you think that today will be a bad day the more likely you are to create one.

You can’t change this by lying to yourself.

You wake up and you are on edge. Things are going to happen at work today and you are expecting this to be a problem-filled day. Your appraisal of the situation is that today will, despite your best efforts, “Be a bad day.”

Being a Pollyanna and telling yourself that life is perfect when you, in fact, know that there are troubles ahead will not fix this one.

This is one reason people will say that positive affirmations do not work. They pick things that they wish were true, that they would like to have happen or qualities they wish they had, but they have picked something that is so beyond where they are that they do not believe this affirmation. The result of these unrealistic affirmations is that you feel more hopeless than before.

The words you use to describe your challenges matter.

Mostly our thoughts are words. Our memories are largely stories saved by using words. Our nervous system can store pictures or emotions but when you think, say to yourself “This is going to be a bad day.” You are telling yourself a story using words.

Change the words and you change the story.

If you were to tell yourself that today will be difficult, could you believe that? What if you say today I face challenges? These ways of expressing what is ahead are not rose-colored glasses but they are a lot more optimistic than saying you will have a bad day.

Telling yourself that today will be hard is not the same message as telling yourself that today will be a bad day. Especially if you also tell yourself that you will find ways to cope.

Move from telling yourself that “this will be a bad day” and try saying to yourself “this will be a challenging day” and watch failure turn to opportunity.

Difficult times you can handle, you will get through this and you may grow or prosper.

Try this way of changing your life story and see what happens. If you find a set of words that helps you please share that with the rest of us. I am always on the lookout for anything that will help move me along the road to happiness.

Your self-talk does predict the future. 

Remember Self-talk and affirmations change your life. 

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can you talk to your therapist on the internet? Online dual relationships

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Online dual relationships.

Computer

Internet.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Update.
This is an older post from 2013. As a Rural result of the COVID pandemic counselors and therapists have had to learn to do a lot more online, distance counseling work. This post reflects the thinking back in 2013 but I feel sure the use of the Internet in counseling will continue to grow, and change in the future.

Has the internet changed relationships between clients and therapists?

A member of an online group to which I belong sent in this question

“Is it ever proper for a life coach or therapist to invite their clients to an online group, or for a client and therapist to be in the same group, or work on online projects together?  Can that cause a lot of problems?”

How this affects life coaches and how it might affect therapists and counselors are miles apart.

This is a problematic area for therapists and counselors. We are taught to avoid “Dual relationships” with clients. Some of these issues are pretty clear, dating, sex, borrowing money, and so on. Some dual relationships are easy to see and clearly, can cause problems.

The goal of avoiding dual relationships is to avoid harming the client, once you see the client outside the office there are risks for the client and the therapist.

We do not want to do or say things outside the office that identify this client as a patient in a mental health treatment setting. Sometimes there is just no way of avoiding the client when we are out in the community, so in those settings, most therapists will not say anything to the client and wait for them to say something first. That way they do not identify this person as a patient.

The smaller the town the more the risk of a second relationship. I live in Fresno; my clients live in Fresno, so far no problem. They shop at the same grocery store as I do.  I do not need to stop shopping there but I do need to not make the first move to say hi and especially we do not talk about their therapy in the store.

Then let’s say I go visit a new church. I run into a client there. Now can I talk to them? Maybe. I do not think I need to avoid churches or schools or civic organizations because my client might attend. What I do need to avoid is getting into a close friendship relationship with a client.

What happens when we both belong to a local group, say, NAMI and then we end up on a committee together? This may begin to create problems. I need to remember what they said in therapy and keep that separate from what they told me at the group meeting.

In that kind of situation, I might consider not being on the committee or ending therapy with the client so we do not have two separate relationships going. At this point, no matter what I do there are ethical implications. Dropping a client to be on the committee is a problem, being on together is a problem, telling the client they can’t be in this group is a huge problem.

Therapists need to consult.

Once these problems begin, or that possibility crops up, we therapists should get an opinion from our colleagues, maybe from a lawyer, and we may talk this over with the client.

Some therapists try to avoid these things by not joining or attending meetings, but you can only go so far with that before you give up your right to have a life.

Some therapists have tried to avoid these problems by not being online or having a social media account. While this may prevent some problems it can create others.

The hard part is keeping all your separate roles or “hats” separate.

Lots of therapists teach classes. We may see current or former clients there. I do trainings, Mental Health First Aid for example. Good chance that a former or current clients could show up there. I do not cancel the class or throw the client out of the training because they have seen me for therapy, but it can be a challenge if they start asking questions and I know this is an issue we have worked on in therapy.

The internet has changed all that.

Millions of people all over the world are now connected. I can run into clients current and former and not even know it. So we need to work on making sure that while we all engage in those activates nothing I do might harm any client’s current past or even a potential future client.

So here are some suggestions for both therapists and counselors and clients on the multiple relationships that can form on the internet. Let’s get specific with this reader’s questions.

Is it ever proper for a life coach or therapist to invite their clients to an online group?

Therapists should not be maintaining email lists of clients and then start mailing anything to them. If they happen to subscribe to my blog or a list of trainings or classes I treat them just like any other subscribers, not like clients.

For a client and therapist to be in the same group or work on online projects together? 

If they join a group and I join, so be it. I do not suggest this as a rule but if they are interested in homelessness and so am I, then I might give them the information about an online group. What they do with that web address is up to them.

Working together on an online project sounds like something I would not do until a lot of time had elapsed between them being a client and the project. If I had a client who was a web designer I would not pull out his file and call him for some help on my website.

If someone who worked with me got a list of designers and called him, then next session I would need to discuss this with him and we would need to decide if we were going to end therapy or he would not be able to also be working for me.

Can multiple relationships cause a lot of problems?

Yes having multiple relationships can cause lots of problems. I do not let that keep me from writing a blog or teaching classes but I am always looking out for these possible conflicts and avoiding them whenever I can.

Therapists and clients do run into each other, in the community and on the internet. The rules are essentially the same.

Do not get into a second relationship that will harm the client. Do not do things to identify them as clients or to violate their confidentiality and treat you various roles professionally and appropriately.

About life coaches.

There is no licensing for life coaches that I know of. Some have taken classes, anything from a one hour webinar on up. Some join coaching associations and they may or may not have codes of ethics. But coaches do not get confidentiality and you get no privilege in talking to them. They can say and do what they want and they may engage in all sorts of multiple relationships. If they hurt you really badly you have to sue them. It is common for coaches to keep mailing lists of former clients and to keep trying to sell you things and they can use your name or story in their materials or trainings. While there are some good coaches out there, coaching is not meant to help you with emotional problems that might include a mental illness.

I am sure that this will not be the last time we need to look at how the internet, blogs, and social media are changing relationships and how that might affect clients and therapists, but at least it is a start.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When you should not make a child go for therapy.

Posted on by
6

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Children Playing.

Children Playing.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Forcing your child to therapy.

There are times when no matter how firmly you believe that there is something the matter with your child you are making a mistake forcing them to go for therapy.

Most of these reasons fall under the heading of they are thinking or doing something you do not approve of and you want them to go for therapy to convince them to see things your way.

In a previous post, I wrote about the practical aspects of “Can you force a child to go for therapy.” The older they get the harder it gets to make them do much of anything. By 17 or 18, they either agree with you or not. You can get them to follow your rules but not to agree with your views.

There are a few things that are so important that whether a child or an adult wants to go they will be required to go for counseling. Suicidal actions are one reason. Drug use that results in illegal behavior is another. If your child’s life is at stake the need help whether they want it or not.

If a child has been abused or there has been violence in the family, therapy may be offered and sometimes it may be required.

In yesterday’s post we looked at some of the times you need to be a parent and insist your child see someone professional.

But there are times when you really wish your child would change. You know they are going to ruin their life and still, you should not make them go for therapy.

Here are some of these reasons. (Tongue-in-cheek so as to offend no one or everyone.)

Your child favors a political party you think is evil.

Some parents are frightened when their love child comes home spouting Republican doctrine. Sorry folks, the sixties are over and we have to make peace with the Republicans. Regardless of your political leanings, a therapist should not be trying to force a child to agree with their parent’s political leanings.

Political indoctrination is something that is practiced in totalitarian countries. We therapist-types have codes of ethics that keep us or should keep us, from trying to force people to change these sorts of beliefs.

Your child has picked a girlfriend or boyfriend and you are sure this person will ruin their life.

It is unlikely that any therapist can talk your love-sick teen out of loving the one they are madly in lust for just now. What we might be able to do is help them learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships and then if they begin to show some doubts explore those doubts and what they are learning.

This bad-person-for-you problem is often coupled with that person your child fell in love with being a member of the wrong race or religion.

There is a difference between an unhealthy relationship and getting together with someone who is different from you.

What we need to be able to do is help children see the possible negatives as well and possibly convince them to make no irrevocable changes like getting pregnant or running off to Antarctica.

Your child rejects your religion or adopts one you do not agree with.

You are firmly convinced the way to salvation is to shave your head, wear robes, and spend your days handing out flowers in the airport. Your child decides to grow out their hair, discard the robe and become a Lutheran.

Please do not look for a counselor who advertises that he specializes in getting apostate robe wears back to the airport.

Counselors, most of us, would consider this sort of practice as unethical. This even includes counselors who self-identify as being of the religion in question.

What a “Robed-Bare-headed-flower-airport child” Therapist would be willing to do is work with this child on their spiritual doubts, what do they believe, and why. What we should not do is collude with the parents to convert this child back to wearing their robes.

The parent of this child becomes upset when I tell them I will not help them convince their child they are following the wrong religion.

“Those Lutherans are a cult” that parent says. Maybe so. Maybe all Christians are cult followers, but that still does not justify me ganging up on that child and forcing them back into the robes.

Aren’t there some cults that can harm people and that we need to help children avoid? Probably so. My way of seeing this is that if the group seems to be taking a departure from reality then I think some good old fashion reality testing therapy is in order.

What kind of cults are a problem?

If the group bases their practices on unquestioning devotion to a living leader then I get really worried. Try to live up to the ideals of Buddha or Jesus; I’m good with those kinds of faith. Turn your will and your life over to the control of William Bernard Esquire III and you are getting me worried. That rule about having living leaders who think too much of themselves applies also to groups that give one or a very few people the right to decide what the dead leader meant.

Then again that worry about one person misinterpreting scripture may just be a part of my protestant hangover showing.

If this leader starts telling you to do things that are illegal or most people think is harmful be very suspicious.

This post has gotten a tad more sarcastic than most but I hope you get my point. Therapy should not be a way of trying to get children to change their thinking and agree with the parent’s preferences, even deeply held preferences.

Part of growing up is trying new things, new behaviors, and new beliefs. Kids need to take some risks to grow up and parents can’t protect them from everything.

What you can do is try to help them when they fall and scrape their knees. Sometimes you have to bear the brunt of the pain and hope they will eventually get it, but that is part of the parent’s job.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When should you force a child to go to therapy?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes you need to insist they get help.

Parents seem to be concerned about when to force a child to go to therapy. Making children go for counseling shows up in search terms to counselorssoapbox.com from time to time. This is an important topic.

In a previous post, I wrote about “Can you force your child to come for therapy.”  Parents know that forcing a child to do almost anything is difficult to do. Sometimes you need to enforce rules and decisions and sometimes the battle is not worth the effort. When it comes to getting your child into therapy which is which?

Most of the “Can you force a child to go to therapy” post was about the practical problems of coercing someone to go for therapy. Therapy works best when the person in session wants to be there. Sometimes they only “want to be there” because their parents or their parole agent made them come. Either way, if they have some incentive it increases the chances therapy will work.

There are times when you the parent are worried about your child, you can offer to get them therapy but “forcing” the child can make things worse. In a future post, I want to tell you about those times you should resist the urge to force your child to see a therapist.

We also need to look at when, for what problems, parents should be so worried, so concerned that they absolutely insist their child see a counselor.

Here are some of the reasons to put your foot down and insist that your child sees a counselor other professionals outside the family. Families who have a good, open relationship, find their children will talk to them about more, but there are still those things that are just too embarrassing to tell mom or dad about.

Your child says they are suicidal.

Suicidal statements, talking about death, or starting to say or acting like they do not want to live anymore are not something to ignore. Children of any age can and do commit suicide. Do not brush this off as just a ploy for attention. Kids get embarrassed and do not tell their parents the truth.

If there is any chance they will try to self-harm get them to go see a professional who can assess for the risk they will carry through on this thought. This is one area where kids will often tell a professional the things they will not tell their parents.

If you suspect your child has been the victim of abuse, rape, or molestation.

If you think this your emotions may run the gamut. You will be angry, fearful, and just plain want justice. The danger here is that by questioning the child too hard you will scare them, and make them close up and stop talking.

You can also run the risk of asking the wrong questions or asking them in the wrong way and then thinking their answers mean something they did not mean. You can end up taking the wrong action. Repeated questioning can also make a young child think something must have happened even though they did not realize it and they will start “remembering” details to please you. You want the truth not a story made up to please you.

These sorts of problems need professional intervention and please let the authorities deal with identifying and punishing the person who may have done something to your child.

Asking for too many details about abuse can also make the child feel it was their fault. The last thing you should do is to put the child through a second trauma when they are being interrogated about what has already happened.

You see evidence that they are becoming addicted to a drug.

The longer you wait to interrupt a substance use disorder the more likely it is to become a permanent addiction. Seek professional help.

This does not mean that if your child is smoking weed or drinking a few beers that there is someone who can lock them up to prevent them from doing drugs.

In most areas, there is no way to detain a kid for very long even when the parents want them locked up. A few places may let you turn them in as incorrigible but the number of places that will do that is getting very small.

Watching a child full-time is a difficult job. If they are abusing substances keeping them locked up and away from drugs is a complicated task. The faculty can’t just hire anyone to do this and paying a professional for 24/7 treatment gets expensive.

For drug treatment, the most effective methods include involving the parent in the treatment. Most treatments are outpatient and the child comes home at night. If you want help with this problem you will need to be part of the solution.

Locking your child up will not take away the desire to do something. The second they get out they will run to do what you tried to keep them from doing. What they need is a “head change” not incarceration.

If there are sudden dramatic behavioral changes in your child.

If they are stealing, need money, cut classes or their grades suddenly drop through the floor, these are all warning signs. Look for help fast. Do not make the mistake of thinking they will “grow out of it.”

This may mean drugs, may mean depression or the beginnings of another mental illness or could just be a problem with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Either way, once the changes are in play it may take the help of a counselor or therapist to find out what is going on and formulate a plan to help your child navigate these issues.

As hard as it may be there are sometimes you need to put your foot down, be the parent and get that child in to see a professional.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should you vent? The dangers of venting

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Should you vent?
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do you need to vent?

Have you ever felt you just needed to vent?  Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think.

It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Keep in mind, there are a whole lot of problems that result from venting.

When people talk about “Venting” they are almost universally talking about expressing negative emotions. Even when people act out on supposed positive emotions there can be violence. Venting as a way to celebrate your team’s victory can end you up in jail if you act out.

When people talk about venting they are not talking about the slow letting off of pressure like when the teapot starts to whistle. Most people, when they vent look more like a stick of dynamite going off than a little steam from the teapot’s spout.

Here are some reasons that venting may make things worse rather than better.

Rehearsal for violence.

There was a time when we had couples in therapy hit each other with those sponge rubber bats and yell at each other to “get it out.” Some therapists discovered that after venting in therapy those same couples went home and then the next time they argued they started hitting each other for real, with solid bats.

Venting can increase your sensitivity to anger and violence. You are in effect practicing getting worked up and acting out.

Yelling, screaming, and jumping around does not serve to get a football team calmed down before a match, it gets them worked up and they go out there and become more aggressive. We will leave the issue of whether watching violence increases your propensity for violence alone for now. What is clear to me is that practicing aggression makes you more aggressive not less.

Venting increases your anger or other negative emotions.

Once you are extremely angry it is hard to control that anger. The most effective solution is to learn to not get upset in the first place. As hard as that sounds to do, once you get the idea that you can choose whether to get angry or not, avoiding anger is much more effective than venting once you get there.

The idea behind venting is that you are not in control of yourself, once you get angry you need to let it out and it is OK to subject others to your release of anger.

Anger management classes teach us that it is not what someone has done to us that creates our anger, it is our beliefs about that other person’s actions. Quite often the reason they did that thing which upset you was not the reason you think.

This does not imply you just need to take things. You have choices in your responses. The problem with venting is that we almost always go overboard and become excessively expressive of our anger.

The result is that after venting you end up regretting how far you went. You may even vent and then apologize. Once you have to apologize or get bailed out of jail, you have lost all the advantages of releasing that anger. You are now in a weaker and more helpless condition after venting than before.

Venting does not make you a stronger person. It leaves you making amends for the things you have done while venting.

Venting Damages relationships.

Even if you can vent and discharge those unpleasant emotions, that does not help the person you vented at. Often venting involves saying and doing things that may be hurtful to others. You vent, you feel better but the person you cussed out or hit may harbor a grudge forever.

Venting with a partner can damage a relationship beyond repair.

One reason venting is so attractive to so many people is the human tendency to store up complaints, sometimes called Gunny Sacking, and then let the other person have the whole load of our wrath all at once. This is an unhealthy way to deal with ongoing problems.

So before you let yourself vent consider other ways to handle those negative emotions or to prevent upsetting yourself in the first place.

Additional posts on this topic are under feelings and emotions, related topics are listed in the categories list to the right.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Higher Power Listening Skills

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Waterlily

Mindfulness and meditation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

So you pray, but do you listen for an answer?

We read lots of things about the power and value of prayer. As far as I know, every religion out there has a practice that looks like that thing we would call prayer. While these various styles of praying have their differences, most have at their core a person making a request of their higher power.

What I do not see much written about is – how exactly is this Higher Power supposed to get back to you with an answer?

Seems to me, that a lot of people are placing their prayer requests the same way they place their online merchandise orders. Give me one of those in blue and ship by Friday. Here is my credit card number, or a reminder of the good deeds I have done that entitle me to priority shipping on my request.

What I do not hear people talking about is how they leave their email addresses so that this Higher Power guy or gal can get back to them.

Meditation?

A few people have mentioned the values of a practice called meditation. This is supposed to allow that higher power of yours, to get back to you on those requests and also allows responses to those rare times when you leave an online 5-star rating of the Higher Powers fabulous success in filling your order speedily and with just the right size.

Mention mediation to most western religions and you get a negative response, something to the effect that meditation is some Pinko-hippy-freak-subversive practice. Now while I am not convinced that being a “Pinko-hippy-freak-subversive” is a bad thing, still I know that calling meditation by some derisive term turns a lot of the faithful away from that practice.

So the question remains, you ask for things in prayer, how does God or your Higher Power get a chance to say anything back?

Back a while, religious people, and that includes some of these “old-time Christians” had a practice they called “listening for that still small voice.” Not sure that Higher power always uses his small indoor voice, but I think we would all be benefited by spending some time listening for “Knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.”

Frankly, if you do all the talking and God never gets a chance to say anything that is not much of a conversation is it?

However you do it, sometimes it just might pay to turn off the entertainment center, put the Angry Birds to bed and sit a spell and listen to see what that Higher Power of yours is trying to tell you.

If the term mediation bothers you, try “thinking on it” a spell and see what God may be trying to tell you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do you tell them you have a mental illness?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you tell someone you have a mental illness?

Should you tell people about your mental illness? When and how? Is there a stigma around having a mental illness? You bet there is!

That stigma impacts your decision about when to self-disclose and to whom. Whether to tell others about your mental illness is one of the tougher decisions anyone in recovery will have to make.

Your mental health conduction is mostly confidential.

Generally, medical conditions are protected by confidentiality. Your doctor is not going to tell people about your condition unless this is a “reportable by law” condition. Even then the person at the communicable disease center is going to keep it confidential as much as possible.

It is a whole lot harder to keep your mental health condition a secret and once that information gets out it can change your relationships forever.

Ask people if they would be OK working at a desk next to someone with cancer and many will say yes. There was a time people with cancer were avoided for fear it might be contagious. We know more now about most diseases.

Many people would be willing to work with or next to someone with an HIV infection or AIDS.

When it comes to someone with a mental illness the picture changes.

Most people do not know much about mental illness and still think it might be contagious, or that the mentally ill are “crazy” and dangerous. Many people do not know what to do or how to react when they encounter someone having a mental health crisis. Here is a great program called Mental Health First Aid to help people know how to respond but this program has not been available to nearly enough people.

Even among professionals working in social service agencies, there is a sizable number who would not want to have a person with a mental illness working alongside them. We have talked so much about the problems of the mentally ill, the message that recovery from mental illness can and does happen has not even reached everyone working in social services agencies, let alone the general public.

We have a long way to go to defeat the stigma around having a mental illness.

One way stigma has gotten broken down is by having people in prominent positions tell the story of their struggles. This has been powerful for reducing stigma against AIDS, Homosexuality, and a great many other conditions.

High profile people talking about their mental illnesses has not had nearly as much effect.

Some people who have talked publicly about their mental illness have said if they had known how much prejudice they would experience, they might not have been so open about their problems.

It is not just the mental health consumer who experiences discrimination. Their family members may be discriminated against or persecuted also. Some people do not want to have the mentally ill in their neighborhood even when they have a mentally ill member in their own family.

The result of this prejudice keeps the mentality ill hidden and forgotten and the families find they may need to pretend that no one in their family would be “crazy.”

The route forward for those who self-disclose mental illness does not look easy.

Sometimes the self-disclosure is inevitable. When you are in a relationship your partner needs to know. If you are on a job and have to take time off for treatment or end up in a hospital then your boss needs to know. You may have to tell your family also.

Some relatives, friends, and coworkers are more understanding than others. Some companies follow the letter of the law and look for other reasons to terminate a mentally ill person. Other employers follow the spirit of the law and recognize the contributions the mentally ill can make to this organization.

Mental Health is on a continuum.

It is important to note that even in writing this post I slipped into talking as if there are two groups, the mentally ill and the “normal.”

People who are knowledgeable in this area will tell us that the boundaries between these two groups are porous and that people move from being mentally ill to being mentally well. Some mentally well people will also discover they have a mental illness this year when they had never had one before.

Life stresses can impact most anyone’s emotional well-being.

The road to reducing prejudice around mental illness runs through the places of education. That education needs to take place well beyond the confines of professional training programs. We need more understanding of what mental and emotional illnesses are like and how they can be overcome in our schools, churches, and workplaces.

Along the way to stigma reduction each person with a mental illness, their friends, and family will need to consider when and to whom they will self-disclose.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Top 10 counselorssoapbox.com posts

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Counselorssoapbox.com

Top 10 counselorssoapbox.com mental health posts.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Just in case you missed one of these. Here are the top 10 counselorssoapbox.com blog posts for the month of August.

How much should you tell a therapist?                     

Do therapists have to report a crime?            

Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder               

Do people really forget what happened when drinking? – blackouts                       

Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder                   

Are you Hyperthymic?                      

Which border is Borderline Intellectual Functioning on?                  

Do therapists tell parents what kids say?                   

Reasons Counselors and Therapists Lose Licenses               

Can you force a teenager to go for therapy? 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel