Tag Archives: Success and Failure

How to fail –Getting F’s may be harder than you think

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure sign

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

All F’s are hard to get. Consistent repeated failure is harder than you think.

Every semester we who are teaching, have to put together a syllabus that describes the things the class will cover, what you have to do to get a particular grade, and the other things you need to know.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the rest of life came with that sort of clear directions?

How come we get a syllabus in college but not in life?

I have become convinced that many of the same factors that result in successes or failures in school also apply to life in general. There are certain things that will result in good grades and others that will result in consistent failure.

What surprises my students each semester is when I tell them that most of the time getting an F is more work than getting an A.

Here are things you will need to do to fail in school and these tips can help you fail in life if you so choose.

Drinking a lot of alcohol and doing a lot of drugs ensures failure.

Studies have consistently shown that the more drugs you do the lower your GPA. Drink enough and you will stop coming to class. Not showing up helps in your quest for failure.

There are lots of other escape mechanisms to let you run from your problems. Once you avoid a problem by using a crutch the problem gets bigger and you become more dependent on that crutch.

To avoid learning do not read the book or take notes.

Avoiding any new information assists in the art of failure. While you may not know enough to succeed you already know more than enough to fail.

This aversion to new knowledge can increase the chances of failure where ever you apply it. Jobs change so do relationships. The person who does not learn new job skills will become obsolete. The person who does not put anything into a relationship eventually finds the affection account has run dry.

Do not do the work and you are on the way to failure.

Work is an interference in the failure filled life. Do too much work and you might get something right. Those who do best at failure try the least.

Continue to insist that things should come your way by luck or as something you are owed. Never consider that effort could be necessary.

If by accident you did the homework, do not turn it in.

This is a sure-fire method for grabbing failure from the jaws of success. Leave the homework at home; keep that report in your desk until it is past the deadline. Never start anything until it is too late and you can avoid even the semblance of success.

If you do make some effort, minimize it, discount it, and avoid letting anyone see what you have worked on. In a failure filled life, it is necessary to keep your efforts a secret.

Miss as much class as possible; don’t show up for anything in life that matters.

Nothing so improves the probability of failure as to not be there when things are being done. Miss enough work and you will not need to come in anymore. Salesmen if you stop making calls you will be assured of a sales-free month.

Do not take any tests and you can’t ever pass one.

Avoiding any midterms or the final is a way to get the total points down below the passing level. Don’t show up for job interviews and you will not need to go to work. Avoid any evaluation and you will never have any big successes.

The consistent application of these principles will radically increase the chances you will have a life full of failure.

For maximum failure stop trying.

Still having a life full of deliberate failures may not make you a failure. To assure that you and others will consider your life a failure it is necessary to give up trying anything and everything and avoid all success no matter what the cost.

To begin to have a successful life do the opposite of these tips and begin to live your life by making the efforts needed to succeed. You might be pleasantly surprised how an occasional success can result in a positive attitude and that new improved attitude can result in a progressively longer string of success.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What do several failed relationships mean?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family torn apart

Divorce.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do you have multiple failed relationships?

There are several things you should be looking at if you have repeated failed relationships.

Here are some possible reasons that this same thing keeps happening to you.

Take a look at this list and see if any of these applies to you. This may be your chance to learn a needed lesson.

It could be bad luck, maybe.

This to me is the least likely possibility. Sure it is possible that someone can have a bad outcome from an effort several times. But the more often things happen “again” the more we need to start looking at ourselves rather than blaming this recurrence on bad luck.

You get with people thinking you will change them.

This is a more common problem. You get with a new romantic partner thinking all they need is someone who cares about them and they will straighten up and go right.

Having a supportive person in your corner is wonderful, but if you have started thinking that this potential partner will suddenly change if you just love them enough you are headed for heartbreak.

Snakes remain snakes and addicts rarely give it up just because you want them to. Lots of us have capes hanging in the closet just waiting for the opportunity to become Captain-Save-a-bum.

Ladies if he cheated on his last partner or has multiple babies’ mama’s these are all bad signs.

Your incompatibility detector is not working.

In the early stages of courtship, we see what we want to see. The red flags and the bells and sirens are all there we just chose to ignore them.

If you do not invest a significant amount of time getting to know who this person is under normal, non-dating circumstances, you have no idea who you are getting. Despite having a host of bad experiences do you tend to keep doing it over and over? You know you do!

Can you spot the “perfect partner” across a crowded room? They never look or act so good when you get to know them up close. Make sure you checked this person out well.  You always need to allow for shrinkage and spoilage. Guys – expect her perfect figure to disappear in the light of reality.

You expect relationships to be easy or 50 -50.

No, 50-50 relationships do not work. It takes something like 80-80, to make it work. If both of you do not think you are doing more than your partner you will never meet in the middle.

If you are keeping score that is a bad sign also.

So very often we think we need to do all the work on the front end to catch that great person. Great partners are not caught. You do that and they keep trying to get away. They have to be nurtured and that means it takes more effort to maintain a relationship than to get one started.

You keep looking in the wrong places.

A very common scenario in counseling. The woman has been abused; he is an alcoholic or addict. She may have had a father who came from that mold. So she gets loose from this abusive man.

What do you think happens the day after the divorce?

Her girlfriends take her out to celebrate and they hit the club. That very night she meets this new – wonderful guy. A year later, now pregnant – again- she finds he is an alcoholic abusive cheater. What went wrong?

If you meet them in crack houses the chances are they are drug users. If you meet them over alcohol they may be already married to their bottle.

Where you meet people often tells you a whole lot about who they are and who they will become. I know there are exceptions but not every plant in the weed patch turns into a rose.

The problem is you-you need to work on yourself.

When you are sick, emotionally, or mentally, you tend to attract other people who have those same problems. Two people who have a mental illness can meet and have a great relationship.

What they need to do, for that to happen, is for both of them to work on themselves. As you get healthier you attract healthier people into your life.

You do not expect relationships to work.

You got into this relationship thinking it would be OK for now. If it didn’t work out you could always get a divorce. Start out thinking that way and you are highly likely to create those situations. This is extra messy if you thought this might end but you went ahead and had children with this person anyway.

Remember the rule, you can break up with a romantic partner but baby’s mothers and fathers are in your life one way or the other, for the rest of your life and beyond. How have you been doing in the romantic relationship department? Do you keep making the same mistakes – getting the same result over and over?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Does the 4th of July need a corporate sponsor?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fourth of July.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Who is the official sponsor of the 4th of July?

The celebration of the Fourth of July as Independence Day is uniquely American. In other countries, they mark their independence on different dates. People in some countries are conflicted or even downright ambivalent about independence day, they may be rid of a colonial or conquering power but they have not yet achieved any meaningful form of independence.

Regardless of the status of your freedom and rights, I suspect that you have seen plenty of commercial enterprises who want to become the official sponsor of most everything. We have Olympic sponsors. There are official beers, shoes, and cars for almost every event.

Do we, here in America, need an official sponsor of our Independence Day? Maybe we could pay off the national debt by auctioning off official sponsorships of this and other holidays. Is freedom insolvent and in need of an infusion of cash to prevent its demise?

The concept that our independence or freedom might be improved by becoming dependent on an official sponsor’s product is a bit confusing, but not much else about freedom makes any sense anymore.

There appear to be official sponsorships for sale on most every place or event that occurs. A sponsor can put their name on the local stadium or festival why not on a holiday?

A concerted effort to sell sponsorships might be extended to almost every social need.

How about an official sponsor for DUI’s? We have a number of unofficial sponsors but why not sell that right to one particular company?

How about official sponsors for prisons?  We seem to have self-proclaimed official sponsors of backyard barbecues and summer fun, though I am unsure who they paid to become an “Official Sponsor.”

I feel very certain that the signers of the declaration of independence had a clear idea of what they were declaring. From this hindsight position, there appears to be some confusion about just what independence means, let alone freedom.

I have my doubts that Samuel Adams or John Hancock expected independence to include a United colonial scribe listening in through their windows and recording their thoughts and words. Today, should those gentlemen have any progeny among us; those descendants routinely expect their government to listen in on their email and phone conversations.

Sometimes to protect freedom and independence you need to give up a lot of rights, or so we are told.

I do not recall any official sponsors of the constitutional convention or the declaration of independence. Perhaps we missed a bet?

In colonial times when the government extends an official right to be the exclusive supplier of something, this right was called a monopoly. That monopoly on tea is reported to have played a role in sparking America’s rebellion.

On my more cynical days, I am inclined to think that the American war of rebellion was also a war to preserve our uninterrupted access to drugs, stimulants in the form of tea.

Since monopolies have gotten a bad name we now call these exclusive rights by other names like “official sponsor” or “bidder’s preference.”

Those who are celebrating Independence Day here in America are not the only group who are moving towards selling official sponsorship rights. Neither the Pilgrims nor the followers of that Jesus guy had any plan, as far as I can see, to sell the commercial rights to their holidays but those days now would barely be functional without commercial sponsorships.

Despite all the apparent opportunities for a commercial sponsor on this Independence Day, I remain unconvinced that we will be any more independent or free for having an official sponsor or two for this celebration.

Having another furniture or used car sale by an official sponsor will not promote or establish anyone’s freedom.

Independence and freedom are bought and preserved by the sacrifices of patriots; however, you understand that patriotism, not bought and sold by the cash of official sponsors.

Here is hoping that each and every one of you is enjoying the blessings of freedom and independence on this day devoted to remembering what it cost to assure those rights.

(Personal aside: I wrote and scheduled this post on 6/30/13. Today while browsing I came across a website ad that said, – celebrate the Fourth of July – shop now. Someone is already into the holiday spirit or is it the holiday spirits?)

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Will therapy work even if you don’t believe in it?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is therapy and how do you know if it will work for you?

Interesting question, this came in as a search term and that always gets me thinking about what was on the reader’s mind and what did they want to find. As a therapist, I believe that therapy works, sometimes, for some people, but at other times people tell me that they went for therapy and it did not help them.

Why does therapy sometimes help and sometimes not? Maybe this depends on what therapy really is. I think there are ways it works and ways it doesn’t.

Let’s try some similar questions and see if it helps understand this dilemma.

Does gravity work if you do not believe in it?

Most of us would say a conclusive yes; gravity always works, at least here on planet earth. So if therapy is a force that produces change yes it should always work regardless of whether you think it will or not.

Do cars work whether you believe in them or not? If you just hang around them, but because you do not believe in cars, you never get in one, then no for you, they will not work.

If you think that therapy is a process of change; then for it to work you will need to do some work.  If you do not do the work, your disbelief will prevent the process from taking you anywhere. Disbelief will keep you stuck where you are.

We know that you do not have to be a therapist for what you to do to be therapeutic. We even talk about therapeutic environments. So if you have supportive friends who can listen to you and help you think and talk things out, that might be therapeutic.

The most effective therapy occurs when you believe that the therapist wants to help you and you feel comfortable talking about your problems. The short answer is that counseling works best if the client believes it will. But like gravity, counseling or therapy can work for you if you just temporarily suspend your disbelief and give it a try.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

2013 Midpoint – Top 10 posts

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Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

First 6 months of 2013 most read counselorssoapbox.com mental health posts.

David

David Miller. LMFT, LPCC

Can you believe it? 2013 is half gone? Seems like only yesterday we were talking about resolutions, goals, values, and what we might all do to have a happy life.

This year the plan was to aim to average one new post each day. No one has been more surprised than I that a new post has appeared every day.

The theme for this blog has been and will continue to be mental health, substance abuse, co-occurring disorders, and having a happy life.

Along that road to a happy life, however, you might define that, we have talked about a lot of other life issues, the senses, feelings, success and failure, and the like.

Always popular have been the posts around about therapy and counseling, can it help, can I trust them, what will they keep secret, and the like.

Posts on specific diagnoses, depression, Bipolar and the like, substance-related disorders, relationship issues, and parenting have also gotten some attention. For the balance of the year, we will try to fill in some gaps in the topics.

My aim is to cover things that might be helpful in your recovery, successes, and happiness. In that spirit, the goal, not quite a resolution, is to post another 180 items, roughly one per day. Forgive me if I miss a few days here and there, but I will try to make up for that with some extra answers to readers’ questions.

You can all help me out here by leaving comments or asking questions.

Here are the top 10 posts for the first 6 months of 2013, a few new posts are moving up the list but have not made the top 10 yet.

  1. How much should you tell a therapist?  
  2. Do therapists have to report a crime?
  3. Are you Hyperthymic?
  4. Do people really forget what happened when drinking? – Blackouts
  5. Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder
  6. Is nicotine a stimulant or a depressant?  
  7. Why can’t we forget the painful past?
  8. Which border is Borderline Intellectual Functioning on?
  9. What is the difference between depression and Major Depressive Disorder?
  10. Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder

Best wishes on your journey towards the life you want to be living.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is a therapist? What do therapists do?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why this word therapy might be confusing.

When I used to tell people I was a therapist they kept giving me blank stares. I got the feeling that they did not understand what I do. Personally, I tend to call myself a counselor more often than I call myself a therapist despite the fact that I am licensed here in California as both a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC45390) and as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPC15.)

One intern asked me why in so many blog posts I seem to use the word counselor rather than the term therapist. I think there are two reasons, I think of myself as doing more “Counseling” and the word therapist seems to need more explanation than the word counselor to avoid misunderstandings.

Both of these words can involve activities outside mental health. Lawyers are referred to as “counselors” for example. There are other professions, financial and lifestyle workers who get to use the words counselors or therapists when appropriately attached to some other description. What we need to do is prevent the term from becoming so generic as to mislead people.

What about Substance Abuse Counselors?

Substance Abuse Counselors also do similar work but they are restricted in most places to only working on the substance use disorders. Mental health issues are outside their “scope of practice” meaning the things they can legally do.

Correctly used both counselor and therapist should be part of a license title rather than standalone names, as in Licensed Counselor, Licensed Clinical Counselor, Mental Health Counselor or Marriage and Family Therapist.

To add to the confusion many School counselors or School Psychologists are often not licensed and work on issues surrounding graduation requirements, getting into college or school behavior rather than treating mental illnesses that are more common than previously thought among school students.

So how did mental health practitioners come to use the title of therapists?

Originally this term was psychotherapists. Many mental health practitioners, Marriage, and Family Therapists, for example, practice “applied psychotherapy.” This is a reference back to the time when most mental health work was being done by psychiatrists who did some form of talk work with their “patients.” Most of this work was psychodynamic or Freudian type work. Today most therapists do briefer more directive work and do not choose to emphasize the “psycho” part of the psychotherapist name.

What about other kinds of therapists?

Two types of therapists,  occupational and physical, get confused with the psychotherapists that do mental health work.

Physical therapists, as the name implies, work on the rehabilitation of the body. So if you are in a car accident and lose a limb they could help you regain your abilities, adjust to a prosthetic limb or strengthen remaining muscles. This is my understanding and if there are physical therapists out there who would care to add to that understanding feel free to leave comments.

That same person, grieving and depressed over the loss of the limb might also see a rehab counselor who would help them with the psychological adjustment to living without that limb. That rehab counselor might also help with career counseling to find that person a new job they could do despite the loss of a body part.

In California rehab counselors as well as Career counselors might elect to get licensed as Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors providing they meet the requirements for that license.

There are also people who function as “occupational therapists.”

This one still confuses me a bit. Per the Bureau of Labor Statistics “Occupational therapists treat patients with injuries, illnesses, or disabilities through the therapeutic use of everyday activities. They help these patients develop, recover, and improve the skills needed for daily living and working.” Most occupational therapists have master’s degrees and work in the offices of physical therapists.

So when I tell someone that I am a therapist they sometimes ask if I know of an exercise that will help their shoulder mobility. No, I do not. That is not the type of therapy that I am licensed to practice.

So has that cleared up the confusion? Or have I just added another layer of mud to the waters?

The point is that you need to be sure that the type of counselor or therapist you are seeing is doing the type of work you need.

Best wishes on your journey to a happy life. (I think of myself as a happy life therapist or counselor but can’t find that listed in any of the statute books.) I do try to stay well within my scope of practice.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you Playing the victim? Breaking free

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The victim role.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How does the victim role feel?

Some people are victimized and others become permanent victims. The more times you are knocked down the harder it may become to get back up. What you need to avoid is assuming that hopeless victim role.

Clients sometimes make sudden remarkable recoveries. Recently I had a client whose whole life seemed to make a sudden shift. One day they were depressed and hopeless and the next they were upbeat and hopeful.

I would love to take credit for this sudden change, but I have learned that ultimately the clients are in charge of their own recovery and I am just a tour guide on that journey.  So when this dramatic shift happens I want to know why.

What do you think they told me?

“I stopped playing the victim role” was the response.

So regardless of how dysfunctional their family of origin, no matter what their ex, had done, this client determined to not fill the victim role for them or anyone else. Starting that day their life was different.

Certainly, life’s troubles leave scars. We walk with a physical or an emotional limp, and those accumulated scars become a part of who we are. All my past experiences have made me who I am today. But what this client had suddenly realized was that those experiences do not need to define them. They can choose to wear that “victim role” hat or they can trade this role in for a “recovered person” hat.

One approach, the being a victim one, is looking back. Staying stuck in the past, arguing that it should not have been that way can keep you stuck for as long as you chose to stay there.

The other approach, looking forward, is full of hope. When we trade in that “hopeless victim” hat for the new “recovering person” hat we can become filled with hope and a positive attitude.

We see this over and over. Some people chose the victim of domestic violence or cancer hat and others pick up the survivor of domestic violence or cancer hat. The difference is one of attitude.

So in what ways have you been playing the victim? Are you ready to trade that part in for a new recovered person role? All you need to do is turn your head and look forward instead of back.

Best wishes on your journey to that happy life you deserve.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do women only want one thing? Men think so

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7

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Money.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do men tell me that the woman they were with only wanted one thing?

Men are convinced that women only want one thing. There may be some truth to this assertion; every good lie has a grain of truth in it.

Men are convinced that the primary reason women get into relationships is to get the man’s money. Women seem to be far more concerned about what a man makes and how much they will be able to spend than what kind of father he will make.

Some scientists and not a few feminists still assert that the primary needed characteristic for a mate and father should be his ability to be a good provider. The man does, after all, make a relatively small contribution to the creation of the child and he is more than willing to make those contributions multiple times with multiple women.

The woman, on the other hand, has to carry the child for about 9 months and then raise that child for the next 18 or so years. It makes sense for a woman to look for a man willing to make the commitment to stick around for all those years and one with the potential to carry his share of the weight.

Some women appear to be concerned not about getting a good provider but about picking a mate the same way they buy a lottery ticket. Pick the right man and I am set for life and will never have to do anything I do not want to do again.

The changing social landscape has changed a little of this, more women than ever can and do work and many do not want to be dependent on a man. There are also prenuptial’s that might limit the ability of the woman to cash in so big. Most of the time the man knows that he will still get the bill.

Men report with varying degrees of truth that the ex and kids are living in a nice house with a new man and still she is determined to squeeze every last cent in child support and alimony from him. This can happen even when the man is staying at the homeless shelter and child support has taken his driver’s license for not paying his ex.

When they were together she could work and help out but let the relationship end and this formerly loving woman will use the money as a weapon to punish this man as cruelly as possible.

Men tell me that should they fail to accede to the smallest request of this ex-partner or her new lover then they will be denied the chance to see their kids. This is frequently contrary to the court order but a crafty woman can find all sorts of ways to evade that order, schedule the trip to the theme park on dad’s weekend and then tell the kid’s dad does not care about them, he only cares about getting his visit. You can, of course, imagine a host of other scenarios.

This is a really bad idea, women. First, it is customarily contrary to the court order. Second, keeping your children from their dad can backfire. When they turn 18 they are off to meet, maybe even live with the dad you never let them know. You become the bad, selfish person in your child’s eyes. That love you were trying to guarantee by keeping the child from their father, your selfishness may cause you to lose that love. If you really love your children, almost all women say they do, then letting them have a relationship with their father is in the child’s best interest.

There is another reason for allowing your child to see their father. Men who stay connected to their children, who see them on a regular basis, are way more likely to spend money to help care for this child they love and know. But once you and the new father figure start playing house and you keep the kids from seeing their dad, what man feels inclined to support you and Sancho and still not get to have a relationship with those kids?

It looks like a really selfish woman who keeps her kids from this man she once said she loved and made these children with but still wants him to send money.

This punishing dad financially for the relationship is fairly easy to see in retrospect. The woman is angry. She wants revenge. But men tell me and so do women that the woman expected this to happen, even planned the relationship so she could maximize the payout.

Women have been known to consult a divorce attorney to see just what they can expect to get if they leave dad now. Then they stay a longer period of time; occasionally even have more children so they can maximize the payout. Some women seem to think of the relationship as their version of a pension. Put up with this guy as long as you have to and then when you can get the cash bail.

Is it any wonder these men think that all the woman ever wanted was a stream of cash flow?

Some women have said that they would prefer if their spouse lived somewhere else, another country preferably, and then just deposit the money in her bank account.

So women, is what men say true? Do you only want their money and if they can’t produce the cash then no sex and no love? Are you really aspiring to be the kind of woman who only had sex with this man for the money? You know what we call that relationship, and if that was your motivation, how do you feel about yourself now?

Are men right? Do women only want one thing – the money?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Men don’t only want one thing! Ladies you’ve been misled.

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10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Sex?
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

It takes way more than sex to keep a man’s interest.

The spring falling-in-love season is about over, the summer wedding season has begun. The divorce and break up season, that season is pretty much year-round.

Women who come for counseling and they mostly come during and after the breakup, repeatedly tell me, and remember I am a man, that men only want one thing.

Women seem to think that all men expect in a relationship is sex. They are so wrong. Men want sex, yes they do. It is a biological imperative for men to make that contribution to the continuation of the human race. But ladies if you think that is all it takes to keep a man happy no wonder so many relationships are in trouble.

It takes more than great sex to keep a relationship happy and functional.

For your edification ladies, men in after-the-break-up counseling, they say Women only want one thing. What they think women want is way different from what you ladies say they want. I will tell you about what men think is the only thing you women want in a future post.

What do men want other than sex?

Women seem to think, some of you anyway, that you spread your legs apart and the man should be happy. Then when he does not do what you want, you withdraw the sex and say he only wanted one thing. He was settling for the thing you offered but many men want so much more than just sex.

Some women use sex to get the man hooked – The old bait and switch.

Try taking your kids to the amusement park, let them ride the roller-coaster once. Then plan to spend the rest of the day looking at the flowers and the decor. How long till they feel cheated and want to go home.

For men, sex is symbolic as well as physical. If you love me you would want to do that. So they find it hard to believe you genuinely care about them if the sex is not happening. They think you should want to give them this gift. Women, on the other hand, want to feel loved before they are interested in sex. So we do the love dance, do you love me or not and each couple finds the time and place to complete the dance and engage in sex.

Some of you start at the end of the dance and then wonder why neither of you knows the steps to keep it going.

What else do men want?

Men want to know that they can make you happy.

In the courting stage, you let him know he was making you happy.  You laughed at his jokes, smiled when you saw him, and talked about the things he was interested in.

One day after you two are together, you stop laughing at his jokes, you don’t want to hear about his team or his interests, and if he leaves his socks on the floor one more time that will be the end of the sex.

Men hang in there for a while, some longer than others, but if nothing he does pleases you and then you stop telling him you love him in the bedroom, you know the rest.

Men want to be with someone who likes them.

All-day they are out at work. People are critical. then the man comes home and what does his partner and lover do? She tells him all the things he is doing wrong.

When you were dating he thought you liked him. Suddenly he is living with a person who thinks he is an SOS (sack of stuff.)

I know you ladies think you are being helpful telling him all the things he could improve on, but he knows he is not perfect. He just would like to come home to someone who could affirm he is a worthwhile person. He needs someone in his house, his castle, who thinks he is a great guy.

So ladies when you decide you no longer need to affirm his worth, that it is your sworn duty to tell him all his flaws, is it any wonder he goes looking for those affirmations from his therapist or his mistress?

So ladies, if you think all men want, is sex, you are putting your man on an emotional starvation diet. Eventually, you will get tired of giving him the sex and then things will be all over.

Men need affirmation to know they can make you happy, they need appreciation for what they do and they need to know that you still like them and want them. It takes a full course emotional meal to keep a man’s love needs fed.

There is that other secret men keep. Many men are convinced that women only want one thing and it is not always something men have to give. Next post the thing men say is “all women want” in the relationship and why this pushes men away.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Success does not cure low self esteem

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6

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Racking up the successes may make your low self-esteem worse, not better.

You would think that people with a string of successes to their credit would feel good about themselves. Often this is not the case.

Olympic caliber athletes get depressed even suicidal; professionals in many fields suffer from low self-esteem.

The cause of this low self-esteem among high achievers is that ancient enemy – perfectionism.

Perfectionism destroys self-esteem.

The highly motivated student, the one with the all “A’s” on their record, if they were to just once get a B that would ruin their perfect record. Needing to be perfect is a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy.

The way this works is one of the sneakiest of all possible manifestations of the fear of failure. Set impossible high goals and then if you fail to achieve them this is not your fault. Who could possibly be expected to be perfect?

The consequence of this setting yourself up to fail but making the goal beyond anyone’s reach is to feel that having not achieved perfection, not being the best at everything, you are worthless and nothing.

We saw in a previous post, it is not the all A student that is the happiest. The good-enough student, the B student, is far happier. So is the student who is self-motivated, who does things to satisfy themselves and learns for the sake of learning not the external motivation of grades.

Dr. Berry at U.C. Berkeley wrote an interesting paper on the causes of failure (Special Feature: Fear of Failure in the Student Experience, Personnel/ and Guidance Journal, 1975.) As I understand this article he understands perfectionists as being high in Fear of Failure.

Refusing compliments lowers self-esteem.

In my experience people who suffer from a strong case of perfectionism discount all compliments. They find it impossible to accept that any form of praise can be sincere and they find themselves unable to accept compliments. The inferences here is that for them to accept an accolade means they are in some way in control of and responsible for their success. If you accept success then you also assume responsibility for your failure and the one thing any good perfectionist does not want to do is set themselves up to have to acknowledge a failure.

Perfectionists do not hear praise, from themselves or others. What they do hear is the criticisms, real or implied. Since good is never good enough and nothing but perfect is acceptable any mention of a success risks being heard as a back-handed compliment. Yes you did well this time, but what did you expect, the task was easy. Or more importantly, what will you do next time? For the perfectionist, failure is nipping at their heels and success is a distant target off on the horizon.

They dismiss out of hand all compliments by hold onto and cherish the negative message that even they are not perfect and eventually will fail.

Dr. Berry tells the story of his experiences as a child, participating in a contest with friends to throw snowballs at a post. They picked a post that was extremely far away. The consequence of setting this impossible target? If you hit it, then it was just luck. If you miss it, it was so far away no one could be expected to hit it. Either way, you were expected to miss and therefore could not fail.

Perfectionists set up just such tests for themselves.

The purpose of aiming for perfection, so this theory of psychology and others goes, is to establish such unreasonably high standards that no one could be criticized for not meeting that goal. The perfectionist keeps on trying to reach perfection until one day they give up trying as impossible and drop out of school or other activities or they finally do fail and then ascribe their lack of success to the impossible expectations of others.

Do you fear failure? Are you setting yourself up with excuses that result in creating the failure you fear? What would it mean to you to set realistic goals and actually meet some of them?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel