Tag Archives: Therapy

Are you a Functional Alcoholic?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

AA big book

Alcoholics Anonymous big book.

Alcoholics with jobs, families, and homes – the functional alcoholic.

Do you know someone with an Alcohol Use Disorder?

Most people have a very distorted idea of what constitutes an alcoholic. So much so that the mental health establishment has done away with the label. Like many other of life’s problems the stigma attached makes us avoid the words we need to use to name the problem and the result is that no one calls the thing by the same name for very long.

Today we do not try to distinguish between the person who is chemically dependent on alcohol, psychologically dependent, or the person who just drinks occasionally but when they do they end up with a problem.

How would you spot an alcoholic?

Truth is that the old stereotype of the homeless alcoholic bum is just that – a stereotype. Most of what people think they know about alcoholics is not true.

Of those who under the DSM-4 criteria, who were alcohol dependent, what some would have called an alcoholic, fully 80% of them had full-time jobs.

For the record, it is estimated that 70% of people who are dependent on drugs, drug addicts if you will, have full-time jobs.

So the majority of people who have a severe substance use disorder are still trying to fool themselves that they are not “Alcoholics or Addicts” because they still have a home to live in and a full-time job.

Only the most severely chemically dependent people end up homeless.

There are all sorts of problem relationships you can develop with a substance. Alcohol is one of the harder relationships to keep up. Over time the drinker develops tolerance. They need more to achieve the same effect. If you need alcohol to feel good, solve problems or it is simply required to have fun, you are headed for trouble.

What makes you an alcoholic surprises many people.

You don’t need to drink the hard stuff to develop a problem. Lots of beer and wine drinkers develop problems. You don’t need to drink every day. If you drink once a year for New Years but three years in a row you get DUI’s or end up in bar fights, you have some form of alcohol use disorder.

So consider that you don’t need to be a full-blown Alcoholic to have an alcohol use problem. Some of you can cut down or control your usage. Some of you will be able to quite all on your own if that is what you chose to do.

But if you have tried to control your drinking or quit on your own and find that your efforts are not working. Or if you quit and find you are miserable, consider counseling or another help strategy.

If you do have an alcohol use disorder there is help available.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When your mind magnifies your problems

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18

By David Joel Miller MS Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mind magnifies your problems.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

My Magnifying Mind.

Pole-vaulting over dust bunnies.

This recurring human habit to make mountains out of molehills, say it any way you like, but the truth is that my mind can make the smallest inconvenience into a major problem. Does yours?

Do you find that a major part of the stress in your life comes from worry and planning for things that never happen? What if the car won’t start? Do you say to yourself “That would be awful, unbearable, I just couldn’t stand it?”

This habit, to focus on the minute and miss the important, is sometimes referred to as “catastrophizing.” Focus on the risks and your depression and anxiety can expand to fill every moment of your life.

Absolutely it pays to plan for possibilities. You need issuance. Car insurance is a requirement in most places and those who do not have it face dire consequences when they get in an accident. Fire or homeowner’s insurance is recommended. So is some form of disaster preparedness.

Do you worry about what will happen if—but do nothing about it?

What if you NEVER get a job again? That is a possibility. But rather than stress on what if’s consider what you are doing to find a job. What are you doing to make yourself more marketable?

Did the boss say he needs to see you this afternoon? Do you immediately think that you are going to get chewed out, maybe even fired and you don’t even know what you did?

When your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t answer your call, do you start thinking they are out with someone else? Do you imagine that they never want to speak to you again? Do you worry that if this person dumps you then you will NEVER have another lover in your life? You will live the rest of your life lonely.

That is your magnifying mind at work.

Some people worry so much about their lover breaking off the relationship that they anger themselves over this possibility. They may become jealous, violent or very often they break up with the partner first.

Their magnifying mind has turned a small delay in hearing from someone into a major catastrophe.

You are running late to work; there is traffic today, like every day. There is that report you still need to finish and if you are late there may be no coffee left in the break room. What if there are messages and emails to return. And you forgot to take something out to defrost for dinner.

Do you think “Today is sure to be a disaster.”

The repeated piling of one worry on top of another can overload the brain and result in an inability to do anything at all. If you abuse substances you may decide to stop for a drink so you can cope. If you suffer from anxiety or depression you may fall apart and decide to skip work today.

All of these things happen when our mind turns the magnifier on those usual problems of daily living and magnifies them to impossible proportions.

If you have a magnifying mind, turn that lens the other way and shrink those problems back down to their true size. Live today in today and leave the worries of later for then.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to control your drinking

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7

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

How to control your drinking.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Some easy ways to keep your problem drinking under control.

It is not uncommon for a drinker, especially someone new to consuming alcoholic beverages to overdo and experience negative consequences. If you have had a hangover, been stopped for drunk or impaired driving, or ended up in a conflict as a result of your excessive drinking, you may want to try some of these methods to keep your drinking under control.

If after trying these techniques you still are having problems with your alcohol consumption there are some more advanced suggestions at the end of this list.

Set limits and stick to them.

Drinking five or more drinks for a man or four or more for a woman is considered binge drinking. This is the riskiest way of drinking. The damage to the body from excess alcohol consumption is proportionate to the level of alcohol in your bloodstream.

Even at half these levels, in most places; you can be too compromised to drive and risk an arrest for some form of impaired driving.

The best policy is to limit yourself to no more than one or two drinks on any drinking occasion.

Women if you are pregnant or may become pregnant, that limit should be zero. We know of no safe level of alcohol for a pregnant woman. Sorry ladies.

Do not drink because of negative emotions.

Depressed people who drink alcohol to cheer themselves up, become more depressed. Drinking because you are angry increases the risk you will lose control and act on that anger. Drinking to control anxiety results in more anxiety. Drinking away any problem results in more of that problem.

Do not drink to increase happiness.

If one drink makes you happy two should be better and thirty more so.

The trap here is that if you need the alcohol to make you happy you are already in a risky neighborhood.

Do not drink alcohol when you are thirsty.

Alcoholic beverages do not quench your thirst. Alcohol dehydrates you. Drinking alcohol when thirsty will make your dehydration and thirst worse and result in your craving and drinking more alcohol than you intended.

Do not drink when you are very hungry.

Some people believe that a little wine makes for a better dinner. The risk for many of us who lead busy lives is that we wait too long to eat. The result is that we fill up on alcohol and do not eat the food.

Drinking on an empty stomach increases the risk of overdoing the drinking and losing track of how many you have had.

Avoid drinking in situations where the primary activity is drinking alcohol.

A single glass of champagne at a wedding is not likely to cause most people any problem. One drink at a social party where everyone is planning to get drunk is likely to lead to social pressure to consume more than you had planned on.

Many people can safely have a single drink at an event with a non-drinking purpose. Those very same people who go out with others after work to have a drink are at risk of overdoing. Don’t go to a drinking event and expect to be the one person who drinks in moderation. You may be one of those people who can be at a drinking occasion and not drink. The chances are you are not one of those people if you have read this far into a post on controlling your drinking.

If you have tried all the simple methods of controlling your drinking but still find yourself consuming more than you should, you may be one of those people who has crossed the line between a normal drinker and a person with an alcohol use disorder. You may be a problem drinker.

Characteristic features of Alcohol use disorders include things like, loss of control or drinking more than you intended, increased tolerance, needing more alcohol than before to feel the effects, and the development of negative consequences when you drink. Cravings are another warning sign.

If you have an alcohol use disorder of any kind seek help. Counseling and therapy with a professional that understands substance use issues or self-help groups may be able to teach you to live life without the alcohol and avoid the problem of repeatedly trying to control your drinking and not being able to stay sober.

Alcohol use disorders are a group of real illnesses and like many other medical diseases once you have these disorders you are not likely to ever return to being a person without this disease. If you have a drinking problem of any kind please seek help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Mental Health Monsters – Depression and Anxiety

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19

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional monsters.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Has your life been a struggle with monsters?

As children, many of us had monsters in our closet. Some of you needed night lights or parents to turn on the light and check the closet for us. That light chased away the monsters.

But as we grew older some of us discovered we were locked in a struggle with real-life monsters, anxiety, depression, or another emotional problem.

Rather than fearing the monster under the bed or the one in our closet, we began to try to lock those monsters away in the closet. Slam the door on the depression or anxiety and pretend that if we don’t see that monster then he does not exist. Our family, friends, and society were more than willing to play along in this game.

So now older, we discover that the mental health monster has been living in the closets of our mind and all the while that depression monster, the anxiety monster, and maybe you addiction monster, they have all been growing, locked away in the closet.

So how, after all this time of pretending that you are not troubled by an emotional problem monster, do you open that closet and do battle with the creature that you wanted to deny?

Society has been a willing participant in this process of hiding the monsters of mental illness and emotional problems from us. If we pretend that depression does not walk among us, if we can laugh at the ravages of the anxiety monster then we can all feel safe from this gang of emotional problem monsters.

If you are going to fight the great fight against the gang of mental health monsters you will need a host of emotional tools, the weapons you will need to defeat the monsters of the mind.

Have you put together a toolkit that will help you in your struggle with those emotional monsters?

What tools work for you?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Could you use some help?

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18

Counselorssoapbox.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

David Joel Miller

David Joel Miller

When it comes to physical, tangible, things most of us are able to ask for help. But when it comes to the emotional and mental problems in our lives we find it difficult if not impossible to ask for help.

If you need to move, you ask your friends to show up and help you carry the furniture. You may even borrow someone’s truck to move you. It is not uncommon for people to borrow money when they can’t pay the rent. Why not ask for emotional help?

Is there some special reason we don’t like to ask for help with our emotional problems like depression or anxiety?

Why avoid help for relationship issues?

Lots of these panic – need to move this weekend, situations, are the result of relationship breakups. Frankly, most of those relationships had problems that could have been treated if one of the people involved would ask for help. That is what marriage and family therapists do every day.

Why is it easier to justify borrowing $1,000 to move, but so very few people will spend $100.00 to work on salvaging that marriage in the first place?

Need help with an addiction?

The same is true of other life problems. Someone has a drinking problem. They resist going to treatment, can’t ask for help for that. But after the arrest or they lose their job they will ask to borrow money to pay the lawyer, bail bondsman, and the fine.

Help, for the record, comes in all styles and colors. Friends can offer help for emotional problems if you let them. There are self-help groups and there are self-help books. Most of these work on yourself solutions are a lot cheaper than neglecting the problem and then paying the consequences.

Professional help is also often a good investment.  CPA’s are known to refer management of family-owned companies for family counseling. It is a whole lot cheaper to work out the conflicts between family members than it is to liquidate the family company.

Self-help groups recognize the need to be willing to accept help. The third step in the twelve steps is, to my way of thinking, primarily about being willing to accept help. So is sponsorship.

Everyone has times in their life when they need help with emotional problems. The smart people are not too proud to ask.

Related articles

What is Serenity? (counselorssoapbox.com)

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Yoga of pain

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3

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

I did not realize that yoga could be so painful.

Yoga postures Parshvakonasana

Yoga postures Parshvakonasana (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some people are able to do all the postures with little or no discomfort. I, on the other hand, have perfected the art of suffering through Yoga.

Absolutely I am not an expert on Yoga. Not unless three sessions over a two month period make one an expert. I have however learned a large amount about what not to do while practicing Yoga. If any of you out there know more than I do about this subject, feel free to leave a comment and help us, newbies, out.

First a little about how I came to be attending a Yoga class in the first place. I am not too much interested in the religious aspects. I value my hair too much. Once long ago I was tempted for several days to join the Krishnas, cute girls, and all. But the robes and the shaving the head, that cured me of that thought.

So why Yoga? First off my doctor has been urging me to get more exercise. I briefly tried an aerobics, calisthenics, and weightlifting program.  The instructor was of the no pain – no gain school. He was home on leave for the summer and was making a little extra change before resuming his primary job, something about waterboarding on a remote Caribbean island. This was a painful experience.

A second reason to consider Yoga was when I dropped my pen on the floor and had to lay down to get it. My old body no longer bends all the way to the floor.

The first session of Yoga went great, well maybe acceptable would be a better description. By the third session, I was in pain, again. Thereupon I set about trying to ascertain what Yoga and pain might have in common. Was pain really needed for gain in the Yoga arena?

Yoga is defined as “a system or set of breathing exercises and postures derived from or based on Hindu yoga.” I do not think there is anything predictive of pain in that description.

The only common feature that my practice of yoga and I have in common, is  – well – ME!

Clearly, there were things that I was doing incorrectly. I will not give you the full list of the things I do incorrectly, that would require the assistance of a family member. But here are a few of the errors I made in doing my Yoga.

You must continue to breathe while doing yoga postures.

Who knew that breathing was all that important? Turns out that the muscles need oxygen to function properly. If you have the tendency, as I do, to hold your breath while exerting yourself you will stop breathing while in those long poses and the result will be, muscles deprived of oxygen can become painful.

It is not necessary to strain to benefit from the exercise.

Forcing yourself to twist the way the person next to you does is not a good idea. Especially if they have been practicing Yoga for 20+ years. Go as far as you can, using the resistance of your own muscles to help you strengthen. If you are feeling pain this is BAD.

The little booklet we got when I signed up for class said, once I read it, the newcomer benefits from going partway until they can become flexible enough to bend farther. The more experienced person needs to bend a lot farther to get the same benefit.

This is the first time I can remember that being unable to do something was a plus.

Work around your injuries.

Do not force a part of the body that won’t bend, go as far as the part that does bend will go and then stop. The objective is to improve your breathing and ability to move, not to develop a full inventory of past injuries.

Doing a little each day is better than a marathon session once a month.

Between the last two group sessions, I have been doing a few stretching exercises each night before bed.

Guess what I discovered? If I gently stretch while breathing each night, by the end of the week I was able to reach my toes. OK, I was lying down at the time, but look, just being able to reach them, that is like a good thing, right?

Have any of you out there started on a fitness program as part of your recovery? Anybody do Yoga or a related exercise. Could you help an old guy out with any suggested ways to get the benefits without the pain?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The voices in your head – depression, anxiety and fear – they lie

Posted on by
18

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The voices in your head, depression anxiety, and fear – they lie
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Should you listen to those voices in your head?

You know the ones I mean, the doubt, the discouragement, the thoughts of depression, and anxiety. Those voices that tell you things will never be better. They say you can’t do this and you must do that. Those voices are maintaining your emotional and mental problems.

We all have those voices in our heads at times. The ones that tell us we must do something or that we will never be able to do something. How we interpret those voices makes all the difference.

Those voices in your head and you do not need to be psychotic to hear them, they arise from all sorts of things. They can be the voices of negative people from your past. Remember that those adults that told you depressing, hurtful things, they may have had an emotional problem also. It is not unusual for a depressed parent to pass those voices of despair down to their descendants.

Not all voices in our heads are negative. Sometimes they are telling us valuable information, memories from our happy experiences. But remember other times what they say are outright lies. How can you tell the difference?

Frequently, that thing we call a voice in our head is our own thoughts, thoughts heavily influenced by our emotional state.  When we are in a bad mood, down and dejected, those voices talk of doom and gloom, the tales of the depressed.

Some people take this to be the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Our thoughts are telling us we should or shouldn’t do or think a particular thing.

If you are more philosophical than religious you might frame this as a conflict between your conscience and your desires. If that voice in your head is telling you to go ahead and do it, you can get away with it this one time. That is probably your desires. If the voice says that what you are thinking about is wrong – that might be your conscience. But there are exceptions.

Others of us will interpret those “voices” in our heads, those thoughts that sound so convincing that they must come from somewhere else, as messages from God or our higher power.  If you get that thought, be careful to check out this message with your spiritual adviser. The God talking to you may be a function of your emotional problems.

Another source of those “voices in your head” is the things you have been told in the past. Under times of stress, and most of life is stressful, memories of what we have been told come back.

What we constantly need to ask ourselves is – are these voices telling the truth?

Believing that because you have a sudden thought, that you must do a particular thing, can result in a lot of problems.

More cognitive humans might interpret these “voices” as automatic thoughts. Over time the things we tell ourselves and are told become so a part of us that we think these thoughts as if they were facts. Those ideas are our automatic default ways of believing even when they do not match the facts of the current situation.

These voices in our heads become problematic when we lose the ability to dispute what they are saying. We do not need to believe everything that we think. What we tell ourselves may only be true because we say it.

If you find that those voices will not be silent even when you command them. If those voices take on a personality of their own, then it is time for professional help and probably medication.

But short of a true psychotic experience, we all have those recurring thoughts that might at times sound like voices telling us things. Whether those voices are the memories of what you were told as a child or are your own imaginings, remember that sometimes the voices lie.

Not only are some of our self-talk lies but what those old voices in your head are telling you, that may be lies also.

What has your depression, bipolar, anxiety, or other emotional problem been telling you? Are your internal voices telling you the truth or has your depression been telling you lies again?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do emotional problems, depression and anxiety, time travel?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do your problems follow you around?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Is time on your side?

When you go for counseling exactly what time period should you be concentrating on?

Some people want to spend a lot of time working through the past. If you have been the victim of abuse or neglected you may find it difficult to move forward until you make peace with the past. Depression or anxiety may have their roots in the past, but at what point does continuing to relive the past interfere with the present and the future?

Staying in the present.

For people in recovery, however, you define that, the emphasis is more likely to be on the present, how to cope with that present, how to live life on life’s terms.

In changing your life, for me, the emphasis should be on the future. How can you get where you want to go without looking at where you will be when you get there? You know about your symptoms, your depression, or maybe you have anger issues or anxiety, what is important is how you move beyond those emotional problems.

Couples who come in for relationship counseling, we used to call that marriage counseling, often want to rehash the past, who did what to whom and why. Often this need to establish whose fault it was or who is right and who is wrong, gets in the way of establishing how that couple will develop the skills they need to create a happy relationship in the future.

Does it really matter why the homeless person is homeless? Say you figure out why you are depressed, has that changed anything. You are still depressed and now you have to pay for therapy to tell you what you already knew.

It might be more important to learn the skills they need to find and hold a job and then to get and maintain a place to live. In looking at why people have a particular emotional problem, I find it is only productive to look to the past when we are looking for ways to prevent this from happening again.

The same is true of break-up counseling. You separate, get a divorce, and now what? Do you stay stuck in the blame them or even blame yourself mode or can you see how there might be something you need to learn or something you need to do differently if the future is going to be different from the past?

Some counselors and this includes relationship counselors, want to work their way through the past. Sometimes you need to do this if there are things that you have not finished with, feelings you are not ready to let go. But isn’t looking forward to the future a whole lot more important than staying stuck in your problems?

The longer I have been involved with the counseling process the more I find myself focused on the future and how to create that happy life that I want for myself and for the client.

Lots of us have our stories, problem saturated or even problems soaked tales of how our life got this bad. We know why we are depressed, anxious, or even addicted. What we find it difficult to talk about is what we want for the future.

In counseling, I like to use the “miracle question.” I ask the client if this problem you have were suddenly gone tomorrow, what would your life be like? If you had your dream job, what would you be doing? Many of them can’t imagine a life without their problem. Some are not willing to give that problem up just yet.

Some will downright refuse to press that happy button.

Some couples therapists find that the ability to imagine a good relationship predicts the success of relationship counseling. If you are in counseling to find out whose fault it is and then to punish them for your unhappiness, you are wasting your time.

Whatever you do, strive to leave those emotional problems from the past in the past and spend the present making plans and preparations for a happy, contented future.

Your depression, anxiety and other emotional problems can only time travel if you refuse to let go of them as you take this journey we call life.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anger and Depression beat Contentment and Serenity.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

How fast do you have to drive to reach Serenity?

The advertisers’ version of contentment and happiness is a car, preferably a convertible, and a supermodel of your preferred sex, driving down the highway going as fast as you can. Despite repeated efforts, most of us find no matter how fast we go we never make it to happiness or contentment.

We don’t start to look for positive emotions like contentment, serenity or happiness until we are overwhelmed by all those negative emotions. Swamped with anger and disappointment we realize we can’t run or drive fast enough to reach contentment.

What if we started the other way around?

Is it possible that the really happy person is sitting in their car in the driveway, not having anywhere they have to be? Better yet, is true happiness sitting on the grass under the tree, not having to make the payment on that new car?

Until we become so busy that we can’t do it all, we do not recognize the benefits to be had from sitting quietly and enjoying our ease.

It is only when we experience the pain of negative emotions that we are able to realize the value of those less charged positive emotions like serenity or contentment.

In the collective, we mostly say we want world peace.  But inside ourselves, whether we admit it or not, most of us are hoping for some excitement, even if it comes at the price of more stress and emotional costs.

Try running a web search for “Contentment classes” and then compare those results to “Anger Management Classes.” You will find that few people are looking for contentment, but many are looking for ways to control their anger.

Is it possible that less doing and more being could have relieved this imbalance?

People who value serenity will tell you that they found their inner peace not by more searching but by sitting still and learning to appreciate where they were and what they had.

One of the great illusions of depressions is that there is something we need to find to make us happy. More things, another person in our lives, may be nice, but that sort of happiness does not last. Learning to be content by yourself, in the situation you find yourself, leads to an inner peace that may not resemble that car ad but will be a lot more valuable in the long run.

Sad to say but it appears that everyone is motivated to flee depression, anger, and anxiety, but not many people are willing to sit still and experience contentment and serenity.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Picture is worth a thousand words? Not always

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Picture.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Picture or Words?

Sometimes pictures work better than words, but sometimes pictures have a decided disadvantage.

When we need which and how to keep these two memory systems in balance is one of the challenges in building a happy recovered life.

So do you really think a picture is worth a thousand words?

Can you imagine the Declaration of Independence Picture?

OR

What do you think would have been the result of Lincoln unveiling the Gettysburg Picture?

Anyone want to go to court and plead the “Fifth Picture?”

The memory of pictures and the memory of words.

Humans appear to have at least two different memory systems. One, the emotional intuitive system, largely uses emotional sensory data. The other system is the rational word-based system.

Feelings can be conveyed well by pictures, often better than by words. I can write thousands of words about cute but that single picture of the baby or the kitten and puppies, those pictures tell you instantly what cute is at the most basic emotional level.

More complicated things, those need words to map out the concept. Abstracts like ethics and justice those need words.

Some of us get all up in our heads and we forget to make use of our feelings. In a past post, I wrote about the value of intuition based on experiences in making good decisions.

When it comes to figuring out right and wrong those emotional pictures do not seem so dependable. That’s where we need to use our reasoning and thoughts some of the time.

We therapists, like everyone else, struggle with this dichotomy. One school of counseling says you need to talk about your feelings, get in touch with how you feel, and have someone genuinely hear what is going on inside you. Those therapists spend a lot of time asking you “How do you feel about that?” Some people really can’t answer that question as they are way out of touch with their feelings.

Other therapists, I included, tend to believe that the way to be most helpful is to help you find the flaws in your thinking, get a new viewpoint and your feelings will begin to change.

A good therapeutic connection is about the relationship and that means we need to provide you with the thing that you need.

People are not required to pick one thinking style over the other. Some people are high in one style, maybe logic, maybe intuition and they are low in the other way of thinking. There are those folks who are high in using both rational thoughts and in intuitive thinking. Other people appear to be low in using both forms of thought.

Which works best for you – trust your instincts or think it through carefully? Are their times you switch up and use the other approach? Or are you one of those people who just try to avoid thinking about things and making decisions period?

In the posts to come, I plan to change it up, offer you some in-the-head logical reasons that you are the way you are, and also offer you times to get comfortable with your feelings. Let me know which works for you and what you think of the possibilities using the other approach might open up to you.

Photos courtesy of Flickr

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel